Since the days have been a little crazy and I haven’t blogged in a few days I figured why not today? So if you read my last recap than you know that I am preparing my house and myself for my hysterectomy. I figured since I have now had my gall bladder and appendix removed and outside of child-birth would be done with surgeries, but I am not. As I handle the logistics like meal prepping, laundry and cleaning (as if that will ever be done) my mind is all over the place.
Another issue that has come up is that I had to get a mammogram. I have never done it before until yesterday’s appointment. Let me dispel all of the horror stories and say that it isn’t life changing in the fact that you hurt so bad you can’t think. It is uncomfortable. It feels what ladies feel at the first few days of your menstrual when you are sore. It was painless and didn’t take long. I was pretty optimistic that things would go well until I got the results 30 or so minutes later and now I have to go back next week and have the procedure redone. Now before I allowed my mind to take me there with a grandmother and mother who have had their dance with breast cancer, the technician warned me since it was my first time I most likely would be called back. The reason is simple, there are no images to compare if there really is something wrong. So next week I will be back. Until there is a reason to worry I won’t.
One of the things I can’t stress enough is for ladies, please do monthly self breast exams. They are yours-touch them and make sure all is well. Breast cancer is devastating but what’s more devastating is having a line of defense to feel when something isn’t right but not use it. Be vigilant about your reproductive health as well. There aren’t a lot of do overs in the reproductive world. You need to care about yourself enough to check yourself.
So in the next week things are going to get crazy. My kids will be starting camp and finishing their last week of school. I will have had the surgery and my husband will be the one that the kids run to the most until I heal. I am okay with it. I have talked to many women that have all suggested a few things and one of the top things that all of them have stated was to be good to myself during this process. It’s a bit nerve-racking when I think and wonder if I will have to do hormone therapy and how that will affect me and my family mostly. I will be talking to the doctor about that in-depth.
Emotionally one of the things that I have felt was like wait I really can’t have anymore kids. It went away but it was a bit overwhelming. It wasn’t something I felt when I got my tubes tied after my 3rd child. I had no sadness in me until I found out about this hysterectomy. I can’t explain it but I know that other women have gone through it. It was like I was at a funeral. You know me and funerals never get along. So after about 15 minutes of this semi despair feeling I was okay. I got myself together. I was able to move on.
On a happier and lighter note, my son, my bubs graduates from preschool today. If you know me know nothing else I make all celebrations big. Now don’t get me twisted I am not inviting the masses or throwing a party. I do things like decorate his room, and just make him feel overall special. He has picked where he wants to go out to eat, just a day of showing him how super proud of him we are. He moved from one school to this amazing school and since he has been super happy. Seeing how unhappy he was before and now is such a relief. Listen let me say on a side note when you have good kids and they start getting into trouble, do your research. Find out what is going on. I noticed with my son he would tell us things and we would ask things and it wasn’t adding up. However what I should have done months ago was moved him. I felt it inside of me and didn’t act. I was more concerned with having all 3 kids in different schools. It’s a lot trust me but his happiness is worth it. He is smiling everyday at drop off and pick up. He has friends who parents are more geared to how we raise our kids. That matters trust me.
My job as a parent is to correct him when he needs it and celebrate him always. We are going to do that. He is super ready for kindergarten but I am not sure if kindergarten is ready for him!! This beam of light is going to be something amazing and not just because he is my child, but because he is determined to be great! Super congrats MJ!!
Happy national donut day!! I had one and I mean only one donut and couldn’t really eat much of anything else. I forced myself to have a healthy lunch because that donut was definitely a lot of empty carbs. Well I hope you all had a good week. We are coming off a 4 day weekend some of us anyway from Memorial Day. I hope you had a great holiday weekend. We celebrated my daughter’s birthday and had a really good weekend. No complaints. So as far as this short week it has definitely been filled with a lot of ups and downs. So let’s get into it.
Personal Highs/Personal Lows
This week I am going to put these two categories together. There is a lot going on and I told you lovelies I would update you. One we had a great time celebrating my now 8-year-old. Time is flying when you’re having fun right? We are also gearing up for my son’s preschool graduation. I know some people make a big deal that these types of graduations are pointless but it just gives the little people something to look forward to. I personally feel like celebrations are what makes life great. Those who know me know I will make his day special. That’s what I do. I feel like life is about making memories that they can look back on. It’s better than buying a bunch of material things.
Also this week I have been vigilant with my doctors to get me an answer. I have been suffering with migraines for quite some time. I am also anemic. However with the new diet my doctor made sure I had all of the supplements that one would need and I increased all of the iron enriched foods so you would think I was good right? Wrong. I am not. My doctors and I have decided that it was time to get a hysterectomy. I know for some they get it done when they have fibroids. I do not have them. I am losing too much blood. My blood volumes and levels are one step to more transfusions. For some they would say, why not start a pill that would decrease your period. However the thing is that I have already done that. I have been on pills off and on. I got my tubes tied when I had my 3rd and last child. I know some would say why put this out there? One its MY BODY and my page. Secondly being a woman going through women issues is not a place of shame and I refuse to hide like I did something wrong. That is pure craziness. Why would I keep it hush-hush when there are millions of women like me going through the same thing.
I am no wonder. I won’t be the first or the last. Ladies my decision was about what was best for me. I have to do what I need to do for ME. Was my husband there? Absolutely. I know my decision will have an affect temporarily on my home but I had to do what was best for me. No need to lose this weight, do all of this work and still be underlying unhealthy. That is sheer madness. I know what I need to do and I know what can happen if I don’t. I love me and I need to be here as well as I have little people who need to have a healthy mom. So with that in mind in the next week that is what I will be doing. Have I researched all of the options? Absolutely. This has been an ongoing back and forth thing. I am prepared for the steps after. I do NOT claim to know it all. However I am fully aware that the steps towards self-love will help me through the down side of this procedure. So with MY family’s support we will be fine. I have learned to tune out some of the naysayers. They will say don’t let them take nothing out. Meanwhile I can’t count on them to watch my kids when I am somewhere bleeding out. I can’t slide them a bill when I am off of work and missing time off. I can’t count on them to pick up a phone call to say how is it going. You see that was a free nugget right? I refuse to give folks who show you they are more concerned with their bottom line than mine make my health decisions. Got to keep pushing towards what will work for me and the ones that have to live through all of this.
So with that in mind you may see an increase in blogs. I will have more down time. Whenever I have downtime, I write and I read so be on the look out. I plan to blog the hell out of this situation. Not to get sympathy. I am one strong cookie. But to raise awareness. My heart goes out to the women who are medically forced to make this decision and desire to have children and can’t. I have 3 kids and already put in place the parimeters not to have more already. There is no child birth loss for me. So for the ladies with this loss, it is a loss. I researched this and I find comfort in reading other blogs of women who have gone through this. And with life we are all connected. Keep me in prayer and stay logged on twitter (toitiemblog) and facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/toitimeladies/) as I will update.
- Kathy Griffin out here with a replica of Donald Trump being beheaded and it has set off this major storm on insensitivity. I think for me and this is where MY opinion comes off. It was a bit much. However if the same ones were upset when the nooses was being shown with imagery of Obama was shown and not because he is Black alone but on the principle of right and wrong than okay. If not than you just being extra. What people don’t get is that your argument is more valid when it’s based on principle. Meaning you would extend the same sympathy to another like you want it done for your favorite than you have merit.
- Ireland will have its first openly gay prime minister after Leo Varadkar was elected into the office.
- Withdraw of Paris climate agreement.
- Continuation of the Russian influence of the election. Continue to stand by for breaking news of this ongoing legal battle.
So I pray you all enjoy your weekend. There are some good movies. I saw Wonder Woman and as I thought without giving things away, I walked away feeling great about being a woman. I may see it again if you’re looking for a quick should you go or not-there you go. I am taking the kids to see Captain Underpants tonight. Summer movies are really heating up. I plan on some me time and I have to work. So find an activity that you enjoy and make yourself feel like the beautiful gem that you are.
So life of a single mom has usually a few things tied to it, stress and time. There isn’t anyone that can help lighten their load. They play the role of both parents which is almost nearly impossible. They have to do it all and smile as if it doesn’t bother them. Let me say that is foolishness. Single moms are not happy about their state of singlehood. I haven’t found one however not being happy in singlehood doesn’t mean you can’t do a few things to change your personal perception.
I was born to a single mom. My dad well he had the ability to check out like so many other men who make that choice. The children are caught in the middle of it all. Every child needs both parents. However when life serves up the craziness, you have to find ways around it and make it work regardless. So it was a little later on that my mom would find real love and my dad aka my step dad although I never call him that entered our lives. What was life-like before that? Full of adventures. No two days were alike. Sometimes my mom look effortless and other days you can see the struggle in her eye. I have said it once and I will say it again no mother is perfect but my mom got us through displacement, homelessness, and struggle and she doesn’t even appear to look like what she came through. No mom ever wants this life. However let me tell you what lessons I learned from the best to do it:
- Don’t look like what you are going through. It doesn’t mean that you won’t have bad days but my mom not only told us this she showed us too. We lived in a shelter and our clothes were always pressed and clean. She made sure every time we stepped out the door we looked right meaning hair done too. She made sure she had her make up done too. Did that mean we were to the 9s all the time? No but definitely most times. It was about looking good and feeling good past the craziness behind the scenes. No mother wants to have children in a shelter its a sign of not being able to provide. However my mom told us it was temporary and that in life you have to be able to go high even when things got low-trust me this was before Michelle Obama.
- Things work out when you work hard. In life things get hard. There will be times when you want to pull your hair out. The kids will not make it easy either, however you can do your best and make moves instead of excuses. You have 24 hours to cry and die like my mom would say but when you are done, wipe your face and handle it. Keep searching even if you get a NO, keep going.
- Get help-if you have one person willing to help don’t cut them off. Do not try to do it all yourself. It takes a village. Someone is ready and willing to assist let them. It doesn’t make you less of a super mom to get the help you need and that means in all forms.
- Smile- yes your heart hurts. You may have watched the sadness in your child face over a disappointment of the lack of the other parent, but your smile let’s them know that things aren’t perfect but they will make it. I know for a fact that watching my mom do the same in her life, when life gets hard she won’t one sugar coat life for me and she definitely taught me to smile through it all.
- Journal it out-everything ain’t for everybody. You have to be able to have an outlet. Single moms don’t always have time for hobbies and meeting up with friends but you have to be able to get it out. Keeping things in will do more harm than help.
- Never let anyone come between you and your kid. Listen to them because kids see and know more than you think. Don’t let them dictate your life but don’t want a “life” so bad that you throw caution to the wind.
- Take care of your children. Stop the dropping them off to momma and nem so you can be at the club working on your next kid. A break is a break it’s not forever. It’s not weekly. It’s a break-a brief moment. The concept of dropping responsibility is not going to work. You had them, you raise them. Help is one thing, damn near walking away and visiting your kid is another. Its one thing if you can’t take care of them but if you are in the picture than be in the picture. Give your kid 100% instead of them not already having one parent and then only having 10% of you because you are fed up with the life you created. No you didn’t create it yourself but at some point the focus needs to be off of you and more on the children who didn’t ask to come here.
I was watching a video of a judge that was reprimanding a couple. The mother of the child that was brutally beat and killed was held responsible too for the heinous death as she should be. However the part that stuck out to me is the fact that while the mother was working the man was home not working. Now do not confuse this with men being stay at home dads because the wife has a higher paying job. I understand that. I was a full-time stay at home mom for many years. The cost of daycare can be a person’s whole salary or very close to it. Sometimes it’s not cost-effective to have two people working if the income coming in will not put a dent to anything. If the man is the one making the less money it makes sense to have him stay at home and keep his kids no different from it is for a woman. I do not think it makes him any less than a man to do so. I would rather somebody be financially responsible than struggle any day when you don’t have to.
My issues aren’t with the stay at home dads but the fake stay at home dads we have in the society is who I am coming for. You are not a stay at home dad because you don’t want to work and are comfortable with your woman taking care of you. I don’t know where we strayed with the next generation but if there was ever an epic fail like it is today, men are missing it. This is not a hate men blog. No this is hey get it together blog. There is no need for any man sitting at home waiting on his woman to bring home a check while he does nothing. You not even selling lemons on the highway? Not flipping a burger? My husband has worked 2 jobs to make things work. Not because he wanted to but because he had to. You won’t be able to convince a real woman to a man not working is a good thing. I have a wonderful father who barely took 5 days off of work since I was a preteen. That speaks volumes. My grandfather is in his 80s and he is “retired” but still works and does odd jobs like busting concrete and ground work. For lazy men let me school you that means the government says you have earned your keep you can relax and he says naw son let me get out here so my wife can relax and make sure she good. His kids are grown. He is still out here doing what needs to do to make sure there is steady money coming into his home. I spoke to him last week and told him he really could give a few young cats a lesson on what hard work looks like. So from where I sit I am not here for no non working, sitting on his ass, don’t want to work but would rather play video game man.
The toddler was mostly in this do nothing man’s care as she endured over 50 injuries and most of the injuries were brutal even for an adult. So this man didn’t work was a monster and decided to beat the hell out of a child. Too much idle time on his hand. A job would have not given him that much access to that child. Would he still be a monster? Most likely but damn he literally day in and day out over a short period of time beat a child. I can’t even fathom that baby’s last moments. I look at my kid and they frustrate me like no one can. To think I would lose control and inflict pain is unimaginable. I barely beat their behinds let alone abuse them. We have to step it up. Both the mom and dad was wrong if that was her dad. The amount of men who are beating and killing our kids don’t even be the dads. It’s usually a no account boyfriend that we freely turn over our kids to so they can rape and hurt them. Let me school you like my momma would school you, there ain’t that good of the D to allow me to put my kids in harm’s way. I will not turn a blind eye to my child over a man. These babies are defenseless and we are the ones leading them to the foolishness. We already have to wonder if a stranger is going to manipulate and mess with our children however its the monster you know. Let me say I can’t tell you as a woman how long you should date a man before you allow them around your child. I do say you need to spend some seasons with him before you leave them unattended. Watch how he looks at your child. Watch and see what he does when he gets angry. Listen to your child. Check your children. Be prayerful. Stop getting a new man and being so head over heels that you leave caution to the wind.
What can you say if you aren’t mindful of your child when something happens. Yes its the monster who did wrong but if you didn’t pay attention you bare the responsibility. The mom knew that the child had at least one serious head injury. This man with blunt force hit this baby so hard that she had at least 10 dents in her skull. Think about that for a moment. She was hit that hard and no one noticed negative signs from that? Or it was noticed but the care level wasn’t there. I shutter sometimes when I read these headlines about abuse and death of children. Everytime one of these precious babies die it only shows the potential the world loses for these beautiful lights to have given something back to it. We need our babies but the only way to guarantee that is to do better and screen who we allow them to be around. Let me also tell you that you got to watch friends or family. There is not one member of my family or set of friends that I would put anything past. That doesn’t mean I have them pegged as anything that simply means that I will never allow my relationship with them cloud my judgement. If my child said something happens I got their back first and foremost. I will never take anyone else other them as they were given to me to protect. I won’t even allow them around folks who I have tested myself and see they don’t add up. I do not make one apology for that. I could care less about your spoiled adult feelings on that. They are mine and my husband and there are no do overs.
So it’s no surprise that this world is cruel. As adults and now some of these grown behind teenagers seem to “pop” off at any given time. There has always been an unstated rule that you don’t come for children. I could care less what you feel about a child they are off limit. Even in the most heated debates talking about a child is the quickest way to make that conversation go left.
Kids don’t have anything to do with adult mess. You don’t have to even like how an adult chooses to raise a child but to say the meanest, ugliest things to and about a child may get you a two piece and I’m not talking about fast food. Just stop. I don’t care if you are family, friend or an enemy leave kids out of your raggedy mouths. This week Ilie Nastase found out the hard way. Even if you are the most racist prick and proud to be you don’t get to talk about someone’s unborn child. That is taking things WAY too far. I blame the Nastases of the world. We co-sign some of the most down right wrong behavior. We go into comment sections of stories and leave the most unearthing things. We have no filter. We “come” for folks all the time but best believe if you step out of line and act like a habitual line stepper in my Charlie Murphy voice over a child and especially mine I am done. The reason being is that you will do and say anything if children aren’t sacred. You can’t be trusted and I can’t trust my response to your foolishness. Leave folks and their kids alone.
Like my mom always said don’t say what you wouldn’t want said to you and yours. It’s that simple. I know a lot of folks that dish out a lot but can’t take it. You better be sure which rock you stand on if you talk about somebody’s kids. I can’t change what you think or what you say but you can best believe we won’t be breaking bread talking about kids. Even if I hear you talking about someone else’s kids that’s a problem. Have some respect. Nastase is a 70-year-old fool. Nothing worst about a fool than an old fool. You should have way more class than to be talking out of turn about a child. However what I am learning is that just because of your age it doesn’t give ANYONE a right to be that gutter. Your age doesn’t automatically earn you respect but how you treat others matters. I have seen more old fools that think they can use title and relationship to be disrespectful. I had someone in my life make a comment about my kids in my presence and my husband and I haven’t been in their presence nor have we entertained them a second more. That is a no-no. Nastase and any other raggedy adult that acts like this should be shame. But guess what they won’t. Some folks don’t get it until someone steps out of line and talk about and down to their precious little one. I still believe karma is a beast and I hope for the sake of Nastase that an apology is made and is sincere. Karma gon come and give you what you serve-believe that!
By the way congrats again to Serena Williams who is out here killing the game while even being pregnant. That in itself shows the strength that she has physically but to address Ilie in such a classy way kudos to you. Ilie and all the others like you, grow the hell up.
So the tea is circulating that Carmelo Anthony may have gotten another woman pregnant. I could care less her profession. My thing is why are you dragging La La for not staying with him? Did I miss where in the vows it states to honor? Where is it honorable to sleep on your wife with anyone regardless if you get them pregnant? Now I know a lot of basketball players and people in the industry get blamed for cheating but it sort of comes with the territory. Look at all of the examples where these women who marry into this deal with the ups and downs of the many women who just want a piece of the action and slide into the hotel rooms of these men? Everybody ain’t telling the same lie!
If and I say if because as much as these stories hit the airways, at the end of the day marriage is between 2 people, that this is true than she shouldn’t have stayed and high-fived his raggedy behavior. I do however believe where there is smoke there is fire. So something other than the stress of his NBA career is happening. The reason I say that is simply due to the fact that when kids are involved people are more than cautious to not play games with separation with kids in the middle. Even if it’s just this one public story do you know the other things that have taken place between them? No you don’t but like any married couple who is real and honest, I bet you it was more than just one thing. It’s never one thing. If you want to make a marriage work, it boils down to give and take, and going through the mess and wiping it off, working it out and trying. However when enough is enough you walk away. Marriage is forever when both parties are in it for the forever.
You not going to convince me that it don’t still take 2 to Tango. So we gonna need the ones dragging La La to just stop. Stop the foolishness of this misconceived notion that wives are supposed to be dumping bags for junk. She didn’t leave Carmelo high and dry. She did what was best for her and her child after the many sacrifices to her had been taken. Carmelo will be fine. It’s unfortunate that after so long with the Knicks but career stress isn’t a valid excuse to be out here slipping. The most disrespectful thing you can do to a wife is to cheat and have a child with another woman. Some women deal fine with it and others only deal because they have to but that don’t mean they stay. No different if the shoe was on the other foot. La La would be called every hoe and bitch there ever was. You won’t be able to drag her for leaving a cheating man over here at ToiTime. I am a wife and I don’t play those games. I will never go on record talking about what my husband won’t or will do but I will snatch your edges if you try to drag me for walking away from some crap like cheating like that’s supposed to be happening in a marriage.
The best thing that can be done is one, make sure you ain’t still with Ray Ray that has been knowingly sleeping with your friend for years. It amazes me the amount of hate within women who have been in the same situation or worst that tell others what they should do, talk about them, and then go home to do the same thing. We are women we can be better than this. I know it a bunch of men blogging and dragging La La and making comments. Not that men don’t talk because they do, but this is some insecure women crap. My thing and my stance is you don’t know what is going on behind doors and until you have been in the trenches, leave folks alone about what they do with their lives. Secondly there is a child in the middle of this very adult situation that will get older and have to read about both of his parents. How they handle it needs to be handled with delicacy.
So I am having a pretty good week. My weekend focuses will be a wedding I am attending today, the Phillies game, and some much-needed TLC for me. I love when I have my pamper time. It gets me super focused on me for a little bit and always me to slip back into mom and wife mode a little happier and easier. So this has been a little bit of a week with the news and such so let’s recap it all.
- Syrians were attacked by the chemical Sarin which is a nerve agent. It killed countless innocent victims both young and old. My prayers to those affected and their families in this senseless tragedy.
- U.S. launched a missile strike against the Syria chemical attack. We will have to give time to see the ramifications of what this could potentially lead to.
- Bill O-Reilly has had several endorsers pull away from his brand due to allegations of sexual harassment.
I lost another 3.4 pounds this week bringing my total weight loss to 32 pounds. My clothes are still getting bigger and I am not ready to buy anything new just yet. I am close to my goal and when I get there as promised I will update with a full body picture. I also had a good week closing the relationship I had been struggling to find a common ground with. It was a bit of a tough situation that had too much gray area than most things I deal with. I also was able to get some things organized. I have had a lot of over time this week so I had to really get things in order to make sure nothing went slacking at home.
- What your friends won’t tell you about marriage-this was released today and it deals with 10 things married people struggle with or know that they don’t always talk about. People have this souped up idea about what marriage is and sadly it doesn’t always pan out the way the mind thinks.
- This has got to go-talking about my continued weight loss journey. Are you interested in making some changes? Are you trying to be Summer time or lifetime fun but find it challenging? I talk about the piles of clothes on the bed and floor because the clothes you want to wear and what you actually can fit or don’t want to fit in are too much.
- Losing your mind-its stress awareness month and this week we talked about the mind and what to do if you are having a setback. We talked specifically what to do if once you are attempting to change your way of thinking but are feeling overwhelmed and need help.
- Mental setback-dealing with the little ways we can reset the mind so the thought process doesn’t take over our minds to the point where we struggle to function.
I am dealing with an issue with my daughter. I obviously won’t go into yet but working on responses to your children that are appropriate and mirror what you are used to do vs what should be done for the betterment of your child. I am not a perfect parent actually no one is. The balance of making sure everything is done to uplift a little person is a great task. Often times it’s not as clean-cut as we hope in our minds it would be. So if you are a parent just know there will be some lows but the key is to pick yourself up and try to continue to love.
So enjoy your weekend. I am hearing in Philadelphia there may be a little warm up next week and after this week of rain and cold I sure could use a little sun on my skin. Be safe and continue to check in-blogs drop without warning sometimes.