Be Coachable

The word coachabity usually is something you hear from small business owners or entrepreneurs. It’s the ability to sit and learn how to perform or get results. I’ve had a long history of sitting under coaches for various fields and here’s how you can apply the same method in life:

No one wakes up and is Denzel Washington. Even Denzel had to learn his acting craft and fine tune it. He is now one of the best actors of our time. So one way to be coachable is to listen. Drop the “I know what to do mantra” and listen not just hear. You can hear someone tell you how to do what you do but to listen means taking things in and applying.

Think about it in terms even if you’re not in business of your own, when you do go to a new job even with skills you must learn how the new job handles things. You don’t go in there declare you got this and just start working! You have to sit, listen and receive instructions. Don’t jump the gun! Learn and listening is the key to being coachable. You can have the desire to be number one all day but in order to do that you better gleam what the one who is in the number one spot did to become number one!

Another aspect of being coachable is having the ability to understand that you will fail in the beginning. I think even well talented folks need this crushing blow to the ego to be better! It’s life and you are going to have to have thick skin. So expect hardship and have the mindset to move beyond it! If you easily give up you are indeed not coachable. Failure is a setup for success. Think about the businesses that start in a person’s house, they have an idea but the prototypes usually are flawed until they persevere through them. You too will see your greatest potential and reward once you don’t give up or give in!

So get in the game of life, know you may get knocked down, let someone teach you a few things and be successful!


Daily Women Crushers

As we continue to celebrate women’s history month, I want to shout out all women who are crushing their dreams.  Wednesdays are designated as #WCW or women crush Wednesday.  However daily women are failing, dusting themselves off and getting back out there and making it all happen.

Single women who are lonely and longing for relationship and finding ways to enjoy their single days and taking trips, starting businesses, becoming sound individuals without someone in their company. Those are daily women crushers.  They want to be with someone but aren’t allowing the lack thereof to stop them.  Until love finds them, they are out here making life happen for them under their own guidance, salute.

To the married woman who gives daily to her husband and attempting to be united, you are a daily woman crusher.  People think that marriage is a cure-all but it’s not.  It’s hard work to put someone else above your own.  It’s a union that actually makes you confront a lot of who you are or who you think you are.  Marriage is being there for someone and trying to keep the spark going regardless if that woman is tired or not, salute.  FYI the same should be done from her husband towards her.  If you find you are in a one way marriage, there are a few talks you and your husband need to have.

To the mother who is tired and feeling overwhelmed and still continues to get up before her house, getting things in order, and making it look effortless, you are a daily woman crusher.  To the days when those around you takes you for granted, and forget to say sorry or appreciate what you done, salute to you.  Salute to you when you lose yourself and literally have to pick yourself up before you can give again, salute to you.  Salute to you as you endure your body going through hell and back to deliver, salute to you.  Salute to you as you almost sometimes die on those tables waiting to hear that first cry, salute to you.  Salute to the women who have lost life many times and feel like their worth is tied to being a mother and can’t.  We salute you.  Just know that is a real pain. A real fear.  A real cry.  A real emptiness and I stand behind you and with you.

To the business woman who has to have her work checked twice just because she doesn’t have the same “member” as those on her team, salute to you.  Salute to the woman who is making moves after she was denied financing, salute to you.  Salute to the woman whose ideas failed many times before it took off, salute.  Salute to the woman who while accomplishing her goals, had the very folks who now want to stand with her after the fact and those same ones laughed, talked about, and ridiculed for that venture to pop, salute!

To the woman who has or is facing many demons and finding herself alone as she pushes towards getting her life together.  The ones that seem and feel like constant failures while others around her is flourishing.  The ones who say why not me too but they seem to be saying this only to themselves and there is no one around who understands you.  We salute you.  We get it.  We understand because as a woman regardless of what we have all accomplished we have all been public goals and secret failures.  Trust the process, understand that it will work out. Even in the dark, there will be light.  At the second you go to fail, you find a solution. At the moment you decide today is the day you will give up, light shines.  You are purpose and you were created for purpose.  The world has something that you have inside of you.  We salute the process of growing in the dark with limited water and resources.  The best flowers sometimes have thorns but are the prettiest in the end.  Don’t give up!

Martin Luther King Jr. would be Disappointed

So today is MLK day. The day we remember the teachings and words that Dr. King’s legacy was supposed to enlighten us to do. Dr. King faced adversity and his message was clear that we change how we interact with others for the chance for us all to live a life of equality.

On paper it’s the best message that we ever could have. The problem with Dr. King’s message is that it with all of its national and worldwide playback the message can only go so far if we don’t just recite them on today. There will be people who recite it just for the moment but don’t apply his words and how he lived each and every day to their every day life.

Another issue that we have to talk about is racism. The ability to hate and show hate to a group of people who do not look like, nor do they align with your personal measurement of acceptance based on race. So yes even those who state they have a black friend how can they be racist, yes you too can be racist. Having acceptable Blacks but hating the other Blacks isn’t about preference. This is hatred and this is racism. That acceptable black person you have welcomed into your fold still has to deal with the same overt racist actions that others like them have to face. Black folks don’t get to claim they have an acceptable white friend and dodge racist reactions.

Dr. King didn’t want us to have the Travon Martins of our time. He simply wanted any child and adult to be judged on character and not color of skin first while their character was used to later justify the hate. He didn’t want our young black men or women to be assaulted before they could even be determined to have been a criminal first or not. You do realize no one has made signs that our black men or women can carry that identifies whether or not they are good or bad when approached by cops.

I think about my own son. He’s 6 years old and is taller than most kids his age. Hopefully he will make good choices, but even if he does the way the world is set, what makes him so different that he won’t face racism?! I was called a Nigger by a child in elementary school and was told that I wouldn’t be anything even though I had maintained a 4.0 from practically 2nd grade.

Dr. King’s message of acceptance and equality is necessary. We need to hear it and live it. We have come far but the way history shows itself it’s definitely repeating. That makes me scared. My great grandmother before she passed away was able to live to see a Black president. That is hope and dope at the same time. (Dope means awesome FYI!) However we need more hope in order to raise our kids and the kids that come behind them to do more then repeat Dr. King’s speech. We need the Dream to be our reality and we need it now. The increase in race based deaths and hate speech is no longer secluded events. They are no longer happening to a select few. It’s common place. As much as we don’t watch the news with our kids to control a little bit of what they take in, they still are getting the negative messages. We as parents are still having to have more adult conversation due to questions surrounding inequality.

If you’re reading this blog today, make a declaration to do better. Please treat yourself and others around you with dignity and respect. Respect the differences of those around you and embrace people’s uniqueness. Spread love but make each other respect one another. This is a unified message. If not the very pain that our ancestors was killed for and shed blood for will continue to spill today.

Dr. King didn’t just give you a day off. His message was greater then just an awesome African American lesson. This lesson is and should be the very spirit of our own lives. We are connected regardless of how much we want to fight it! Don’t let Dr. King be disappointed that he may if he was here think his fight was in vain. Don’t let his good work be taken advantage of. The times his wife and kids didn’t know if he would return home, or the times all of their lives was questioned for nothing! We are the Dr. Kings of our time! Let’s do our best to spread love! Lets also continue to call those out who spread hate. Why? The ones who hate but are undercover are more dangerous then the evil you know, acknowledge and are prepared for.

So do community service today and everyday. Get out and learn about others history. Get out and extend your services without discrimination to all regardless of race, sexual preference, etc.

Don’t snub your nose at people because you had one bad experience with one person. Allow a sea of different people into your neighborhood without them fearing retaliation on the back end. Let your children play with one another without fear. For those in high power jobs and responsibilities, do your job without these prejudices making your judgement a top priority over your oath of office.

Let’s remember Dr. King everyday!

How many days for Your Yes?

So I wanted to get this blog all ready for motivational Monday but life is funny. Between the kids being out of school for all but one day last week, they ended up with a half a day yesterday. This left me time to get to work to get some crucial items accomplished and then back home in preparation for the icy conditions that was on the way. Now I’ve been sick lately with some type of cold or mini flu like symptoms. Depending on how severe the symptoms it can be a cross better that and SARS.

Yes I work with medical professionals and I am aware I don’t really have SARS but I call any coughing, sneezing etc SARS.

I was reflecting and looking back on my 2017 fitness planner. I have several planners I’m sort of a planner junkie. In my planner I kept track of all the days I worked out and which ones I didn’t. The ones I didn’t thankfully didn’t outweigh the ones I did but any fitness goal that wasn’t completed could be found in my no workout days. I’m not talking about the rest day. I’m talking about the days I set out to workout and didn’t. It could be I was too tired, the kids, whatever but they were days I didn’t honor my own dedication. Those are the days where I didn’t put me first. Those were the days where I have no excuses!

How many of those days do you have? You can say I’m just too tired but let’s keep it 100, you didn’t go to bed on those supposed tired days. You were up watching television or scrolling on your phone or device. It wasn’t the kids because eventually they went to sleep. It wasn’t sickness because even in sickness unless you’re in the bed for real you’re doing things that are contrary to your condition. So why so many no days? Is it laziness? Is it that your goal is in the back of your mind but not in the front? When it’s in the front you’re always actively doing something that contributes to that goal? If you were getting married in 6 months you would be daily, weekly, and monthly about your business. You wouldn’t just sit and then wedding day wake up crying about what’s not done knowing you put no energy to getting it done.

What about finding a new job? Looking for a new job is a full time event. How much are you really working towards that goal? How about travel? How much have you saved? Are you searching flights? Set alarms for flights? Researching how much it will cost once you reach your destination? Letting go frivolous spending to offset your cost? What about finances? Are you pulling or subscribing to getting your scores monthly? Are you paying bills off accordingly! Are you leaving your credit card at home and only using it for emergencies? Are you saving towards an emergency fund?

Each question asked is about you. You set the tone in how your body responds to you. If you have diabetes you can’t eat and drink what you want and then wonder why you can’t get off of insulin. You set the tone for health complications. You set the tone for a rise or decline in your credit score. You set the tone in how others treat you. Change the tone. Even if you have fall off days if you set the tone it won’t outweigh the on point days!

How much is your goal worth? Will you be happy or disappointed in each month or quarter of this year? Some may still be walking in the disappointment of last years failed goals! Shake that off and make daily choices to step into the right goals!

It’s true you have the same 24 hours as the next person. What you do with them sets you apart!!

If it ain’t funny, ain’t no LOL!!

So let’s dive right in. Sometimes you are stuck between being yourself which may include being vocal or direct and then when you’re working on yourself to be a better person you second guess yourself. Something so simple can make you think or watch that you’re doing more than you need. Balance is key but folks are going to deal with their stuff!

I saw a meme about putting lol on the end of your statements. It made me seriously think about it. LOL is supposed to be laugh out loud but I too have been guilty of using it after statements to come off less direct mostly due to not wanting to be perceived as having an attitude etc. The only time in life I feel that I watch my tone is when I’m at work or when I’m talking to my Mom or Dad. One they taught me to be direct but I know my place. Outside of that I don’t mince my words. So ever since I started seeing that meme as we got closer to the end of the year in 2017, I’ve taken notice to my LOL.

Let me help you out. If I’m online and I read a story about something instead of just making a statement I find myself using LOL to soften the blow. Why? That was the inner conversation I’ve been having with myself. So I’ve stopped that mess quick. I don’t use it as much in text unless something actually made me laugh. I’m checking my own passive aggressive behavior with it. LOL is a way to deflect. It’s not necessary!

Have you ever been in an argument with someone and they “tell you off” but to soften the blow they hit you with I was just playing but they meant that ish. That is the same type of reasoning I had to evaluate with my use of LOL. For instance I had a few packages that didn’t make it to me during the holidays. Some I’m sadly still dealing with. The one company I publicly let them have it. I didn’t think about their feelings, their online identity nothing. However I started to feel bad for the seller on Etsy who screwed me over. I gave a review that said she messed up but tried to be “nice” about it. I ended up going back and taking the LOL out of it and gave a real to the point review. Why am I less direct with the seller from Etsy then I was with the more well known company? I didn’t need to feel sorry for either one. Had it been me that messed up no F’s would have been given. So half review to spare her feelings. No mincing my words. No LOL girl you tried. If you make something it should be what you said it would be. If there is a delay I should be notified by you not me chasing you down. No I shouldn’t have to be nice to you to make you feel okay about yourself. No sis I’m not LOL, I meant what I said-deal with it!!

Although the meme may have meant to be funny the reality is that when it comes to life you have to tone it down when you have to but never tone it down so much that the essence of the message is watered down. If something that is being done or said is funny then LOL but if you are placing a LOL when someone owes you money and you’re asking for it back, just simply ask. What the person gon do? Get mad? They wasn’t mad when they asked for it nor was they mad when they was stunting on the Gram knowing they owed you with their new purchase either.

Check your LOL. Check if you are watering down your message to appease someone else’s ego. It’s no different then being in a relationship. The man or woman you’re with is being all kinds of disrespectful but in order to tone down your tone and your message you water yourself to save the relationship. You are supposed to be in a relationship with an adult and adults should be able to handle the truth both ways. This is not the green light to be ignorant and say mean things to cut. However you have to be true to yourself at all times.

So no more LOL for stuff that ain’t one bit funny. Say what you mean. Be clear when you say it. And know when you say it that whatever weight it needed to be said without it being disrespectful, you are more than capable of holding the weight of your words. They and you will be fine!! Save your LOL for real comedic relief instead of emotional relief for others!

How I Started My New Year

So we have officially made it into 2018!! That in itself is a blessing! There are so many that didn’t see it! With that gratitude in mind is how I started the New Year!

Yes I had a lot of family time! I cook every year, and we have our traditional New Year kid friendly gathering but more importantly I was just ready for a reset. Do I have resolutions? Yes and no. I’m continuing with my fitness journey, I plan to travel but I have my action plan set. So with all of the things I want to do I actively researched what I will need to do to get there or accomplish the goal. How much will it cost? What will I do once I get to where I want? How much time will I need? What can I do daily to get there?

For instance even though I’ve been doing well with working out I haven’t been doing well with meal prepping like I did in the beginning. So although I’ve maintained I haven’t always been eating the right things. I’ve been doing more working harder to compensate the bad food. This is not a good thing because the weekly weigh-ins have had more ups and down then normal. So I’ve got my action plan ready, bought new containers for my food and went to Produce Junction to get my fresh veggies, fruit, and herbs. So I finally got my personal meals prepped in addition to my family’s meals. In the past I would eat less of the things I made for them. They do not subscribe to my fresh veggie plan so as you can imagine although healthier it wasn’t as healthy as I should have been eating.

I did do a workout but it was more because it was a Monday and my normal workouts are on a Monday anyway. My kids who joined me had a lot of fun and I got in my hour with no problem! It was definitely necessary!!

I also took the longest bath ever!! Equipped with my bath bomb, candles, music, and wine glass it was the most refreshing bath time in a long time. It was everything and more. I had all intentions of reading a good book afterwards but by the time I finished my wine, and got on my pajamas I soon read the back of my eyelids. It was super good!!

I have bought more equipment for the colder months. As it gets colder it’s hard to motivate yourself. I bought new resistance bands and I’m sort of obsessed with them. I also got a new mat and training gloves which I actually already needed! Along with my kettlebell I should be good to go. I think that’s why having the gym at my job is easy! I’m already at work and can spare a few second walk to the gym!

My husband and I got some rest and watched some good television. And you know of parents who had a preschooler and two school aged kids, our home for the most part is super rated G! It felt good to watch a little adult television!

All in all my start wasn’t fueled by trying to push myself into a traditional mindset. It was about relaxing and doing what we do with a clearer mindset for action. My travel plans are just about set so I can’t wait to be able to talk about it. I got a lot of short term and long term goals and with action and planning this will be an awesome year!!

I hope you’re start was a good one and if you already feel a sense of pressure tone it down a bit. You don’t have to complete a year’s worth of goals in a days. You just have to do one thing per day to get you to your goals! Happy New Year again make your year what you want it to be!!

Ask Toi: End of the Year Edition

I am going to end my Ask Toi with a few that I have yet to publish and answer.  I pray that as we close this last month out and this week that you will go into the New Year with clarity.

How do I tell my wife that speaking ill about my deceased mother bothers me?

One she knows better.  I don’t care what she says, she absolutely knows better.  She don’t need to be told but since she’s not using her common sense, please talk to her. I get that mother in law situations are and can be a lot.  However when your mom passed, whatever issues that happened should have died with her.  There’s no point in your wife fighting a one-sided battle.  If the two of the couldn’t get it right when she was here, then your wife needs to deal with her issues on her own or with a therapist.  She should be sensitive to your needs and your pain.  That doesn’t mean suppress her feelings, it means that she needs to actually deal with them.  It is utterly disrespectful to speak of the dead.  There’s no way around it. I would tell her how you feel and tell her that you won’t entertain such talk.  Your wife can be all the way in her feelings because you asked her not to speak of your mom regardless but common courtesy should be followed in someone’s passing.  She wouldn’t want to hear it if it was the other way around and it doesn’t matter if her mom treated you well.  This is why people need to understand that forgiveness is for you.  If you don’t learn to let things go this is how people can have power over you from the grave.  Let it go! She needs to let it go!

Side note: if you are on this Earth and have an issue with someone on Earth, then do what you need to do to forgive them even when its something that they didn’t ask for.  Some debts will probably not get paid.  You may never hear the words of sorry but it’s for you.  It releases you.  Had this young lady released this she wouldn’t be burdened with talking about her deceased mother in law and bringing pain to an already painful situation.  Let it go! Drop the charges.  As we go into the New Year, if you keep bringing in old dirt, you will not benefit from it at all.  Learn to let it go.

Side note of the side note: what you talk about and give power still has you.  Watch your conversations.  What you keep bringing up you haven’t dealt with.  Learn to deal not bandage or mask healing.  Deal!  The matters of the heart, flow out of your mouth!

How do I go into the New Year with positivity?

This starts with your thoughts in your mind. If you don’t change that you will be the same you that you encountered in 2017.  You have to be willing to see things the way you want them to be.  If you want to be a better person, break down the areas of your life. Write down where you are now and where you want to be.  What can YOU do to get there?  Focus on those things even when you have doubtful moments or days enter in.  Focus and be about action.  There is always one thing a day we can do to get you to your goals.  What are those daily things?  Maybe its working out to get you to weight loss.  Maybe its taking one class a semester and studying daily to get a degree.  Maybe its about negative thoughts, so saying daily affirmations is your go to.  Whatever it is it’s never happening without an action plan.  Be about your daily business to your ultimate goal. You got this, know that, believe that, and then work it!