ToiTime Celebrates Father’s Day

I love my dad.  There is no debate about that. I think that all dads should be celebrated. The issue with Father’s Day is that we don’t honor them. I know I am not blind to the fact that many dads don’t step up. I get it.  I get that some homes only have mothers and grandmothers and women taking care of what should be a two parent job. However, does that mean that as a woman who has an outstanding father I should diminish my love for great dads? The answer is HELL NO!

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I see the amounts of money spent on moms and I am like where is the respect for dads? Growing up I could be in the classroom where only a handful of us talked about having one. I felt bad for the ones who didn’t and I still do. However my dad is just a great man so you’re going to have to cry thug tears today if you don’t want to hear about it.  Let’s start with my grandfather. Hands down the hardest man I know. I could care less what anyone says, that man is the best.  He is over 80 years old and still does odd and end jobs to take care of my grandma. He gets up at like 4 in the morning to start his day. He is the last to go to bed sometimes.  He travels and sings and he is the one that feeds everyone and is super helpful.  There isn’t anyone in the family that can say a bad thing about him. I am sure he has flaws but as a grandfather he covers everyone married or not. He is there and is consistent.  So no wonder my dad is definitely a chip off the block.

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My dad is the type that I can call crying and he would stop the world to come to my rescue. Growing up he was hard on us but he definitely showed love.  He is THE BEST dad ever. Not just because it looks good to say but off social media and this blog he is there.  So when Father’s Day comes around I like to make sure that I give what I can to show him how much I love him and respect him.  He has seen me in my worst, still loves me.  He has yelled at me when I needed it, still loves me.  He has taken me out on our little dates together, still loves me.  This man has done it all.  He has worked hard at jobs he didn’t even like to support us all. He has stayed up late hours if we were sick and went to work like it has never bothered him.  He is the one that everyone knows and respects no matter what.  He is just a great dad.

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Then go from my dad to my husband. He is the best dad to our kids.  He plays with them. He does whatever is necessary.  He is the total opposite of what his dad was to him. That’s not a knock to his dad but it is facts.  He works hard to make sure that he isn’t giving our kids what he was given growing up.  People say that we are a product of our environment but that is a choice.  My husband is the dad that sneaks the kids stuff behind my back.  Like most dads he gets to play good cop for the most part.  The girls have him wrapped around his finger.  They give him them eyes and they get what they want.  My son is his twin and I swear he uses that to his advantage often. So they have a great dad.  I wanted them to have the same experience that I did growing up and I believe they do.  My husband is hands down the best dad the kids could have asked for.  I want to publicly let the world know how much of a great dad that my dad, my husband, my grandfather and my uncles are to their families respectfully. It is super empowering to know that these men have our families back.  I love you all!

So those who have great dads, please celebrate them. Give them the same love you would give your mom. It’s a dual job.  They are both equally important.  For the ones who experience pain during this holiday, I pray peace and calm.  It is hard not knowing what it is like to have your dad take you out as a daughter and show you how a man is supposed to treat you. To know that a man isn’t supposed to hurt you.  To know that when the world is crazy that your dad’s voice and actions are to be protecting.  If the world gets to crazy that your dad is supposed to raise hell.

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Happy Father’s Day to all of the amazing dads in the world.  To the ones with secret super hero capes, you will never go unnoticed here at ToiTime.  Enjoy your day!!

 

 

Single Moms Survival Kit

So life of a single mom has usually a few things tied to it, stress and time.  There isn’t anyone that can help lighten their load.  They play the role of both parents which is almost nearly impossible.  They have to do it all and smile as if it doesn’t bother them. Let me say that is foolishness.  Single moms are not happy about their state of singlehood.  I haven’t found one however not being happy in singlehood doesn’t mean you can’t do a few things to change your personal perception.

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I was born to a single mom.  My dad well he had the ability to check out like so many other men who make that choice.  The children are caught in the middle of it all.  Every child needs both parents.  However when life serves up the craziness, you have to find ways around it and make it work regardless.  So it was a little later on that my mom would find real love and my dad aka my step dad although I never call him that entered our lives.  What was life-like before that?  Full of adventures.  No two days were alike. Sometimes my mom look effortless and other days you can see the struggle in her eye.  I have said it once and I will say it again no mother is perfect but my mom got us through displacement, homelessness, and struggle and she doesn’t even appear to look like what she came through.  No mom ever wants this life.  However let me tell you what lessons I learned from the best to do it:

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  1. Don’t look like what you are going through.  It doesn’t mean that you won’t have bad days but my mom not only told us this she showed us too.  We lived in a shelter and our clothes were always pressed and clean.  She made sure every time we stepped out the door we looked right meaning hair done too.  She made sure she had her make up done too.  Did that mean we were to the 9s all the time?  No but definitely most times.  It was about looking good and feeling good past the craziness behind the scenes.  No mother wants to have children in a shelter its a sign of not being able to provide. However my mom told us it was temporary and that in life you have to be able to go high even when things got low-trust me this was before Michelle Obama.
  2. Things work out when you work hard.  In life things get hard.  There will be times when you want to pull your hair out.  The kids will not make it easy either, however you can do your best and make moves instead of excuses.  You have 24 hours to cry and die like my mom would say but when you are done, wipe your face and handle it.  Keep searching even if you get a NO, keep going.
  3. Get help-if you have one person willing to help don’t cut them off.  Do not try to do it all yourself.  It takes a village.  Someone is ready and willing to assist let them.  It doesn’t make you less of a super mom to get the help you need and that means in all forms.
  4. Smile- yes your heart hurts.  You may have watched the sadness in your child face over a disappointment of the lack of the other parent, but your smile let’s them know that things aren’t perfect but they will make it. I know for a fact that watching my mom do the same in her life, when life gets hard she won’t one sugar coat life for me and she definitely taught me to smile through it all.
  5. Journal it out-everything ain’t for everybody.  You have to be able to have an outlet.  Single moms don’t always have time for hobbies and meeting up with friends but you have to be able to get it out.  Keeping things in will do more harm than help.
  6. Never let anyone come between you and your kid.  Listen to them because kids see and know more than you think.  Don’t let them dictate your life but don’t want a “life” so bad that you throw caution to the wind.
  7. Take care of your children.  Stop the dropping them off to momma and nem so you can be at the club working on your next kid. A break is a break it’s not forever.  It’s not weekly.  It’s a break-a brief moment.  The concept of dropping responsibility is not going to work.  You had them, you raise them.  Help is one thing, damn near walking away and visiting your kid is another. Its one thing if you can’t take care of them but if you are in the picture than be in the picture.  Give your kid 100% instead of them not already having one parent and then only having 10% of you because you are fed up with the life you created.  No you didn’t create it yourself but at some point the focus needs to be off of you and more on the children who didn’t ask to come here.

Moms Week: Single Mom

I’ve said this my times before, no one wakes up and decides to be a single mother.  Life happens and when it does adults have to make the best of the situation.  Unfortunately it’s the women who are left with children to raise.  Being a single mom isn’t a death sentence that society wants you to think. However it is hard and kudos to those who do it with grace. Kudos to those who do it and may not like the situation but don’t let their kids feel every pain and hurt because of it.

If you’re single mom you already know the struggle.  Unless you have a tight village than most if not all the things that need to happen for your child or children fall on you.  There is usually one income pulling into the home.  That alone causes enough stress. Kids cost. They need everything and that unfortunately for many single moms means they are over worked and under paid and making pennies out of no where.

Single moms aren’t the degenerate of the world, yet many look down on them all the time.  A single mom has many issues she’s dealing with.  Single moms are expected to play the role of both parents and that’s virtually impossible.  They make the best out of what they have.

If you’re a single mom you know the loneliness that is experienced. Holidays and birthdays when it should be shared with two parents are often not.  The loneliness of not having a whole complete family to help you navigate through this parenting journey is overwhelming to some.  For the most part no one wants to be alone no matter how hard their exterior is.

The first thing a single mom should know is that you don’t have to hold onto the anger that parenting alone can bring. Yes it’s hard there will be days that are worst than the other however you must not allow the situation to break you so far that you can’t be a good mom to your child. Your child will pick up on your anger and although there is a real anger your child will have on its own, don’t push your issues onto your child.

Be a solid foundation for your child. Above providing clothes, shelter, etc you are going to have to make sure that as a single mom your provide emotional development to keep your child grounded. It’s much harder to do and you may have to do some outsourcing but it can be done.  This may require you asking for help. You are not an island and no one expects you to be either. It’s not weak to ask for help.

Find happiness in yourself as well as your child. There are many children still paying for their single mom’s mistake because they look or remind the mom of your child’s father. Some moms take that out on the child because of the broken promises made. Your pain, your hurt needs to be addressed. Why? Children pull on our patience when that patience is tested and it will, you don’t want the normal stress to mix in with unchecked and deep rooted pain.

Realize that your child’s existence was ordained. No it wasn’t meant for you to be a single mom but now that you are accept the role that was given and be the best mom you can be. Challenges are ever arising but don’t let it stop you from showing yourself and your child that you can arise from it all and make great things happen. Turn the negative around even when you are walking alone to the bus stop with your child’s hand. Turn it around everytime your job is on the line because you had to take off for your sick child. These are real issues that you will face.

Even with tears in your eyes, while you attempt to make daily decisions know that you’re child will see your heart and will one day understand. As Mother’s Day comes around many single moms don’t have someone who gives them gifts and says good job. However everytime you think of the time when you couldn’t see a way out and one came to you, that’s your blessing.

I pray that if you’re a single mom and no ones gives you one flower or card, ToiTime understands. I was birthed to a single mom. She walked those lonely walks to the sitter’s house. She had those bills and had to make life decisions. She cried many days. She was angry at times, but she always let us know we were more than what we saw. She made sure she was the strength we needed even if we were all we had. She showed us that even if we didn’t have the best of things that we had to take care and not look like what we were in. Single moms I salute you, honor you, and in prayer with you. Happy Mother’s day to you all!!

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