The Complainer

Let me just say and acknowledge that I used to be the one that got on everyone’s nerves with complaining.  I mean as much as I blamed everyone else for the inability to deal with it, the truth of the matter I was the Debbie Downer that no one wanted to be around.  I used to sit around and say well if “they” can’t deal with me that’s on them, this is who I am.  Sound familiar?  You can’t blame folks for no longer wanting to be in your space when your space is dampened by negative vibes and foolery. It’s like hey, you don’t ever have a good day? What does it take for you to smile? Is your life hanging in the balance, no?  Are you ever going to be okay? I can only imagine the things my own husband thought even if he never said it. I get it when I hear others do it because I hear my old responses.

So fast forward to these last few years, I have one, gut bunched myself.  I checked me.  My mom always taught me everyone ain’t telling the same lie.  They may variations but when you hear the same exact thing, there’s truth in that story.  So instead of dragging those around me with misery I checked myself and quick. I one went to counseling to deal with those underlying issues we think is dormant until they aren’t.  Secondly I looked at life from a different perspective.  There are a thousand and one things that can go wrong in your life, but my responses was the only thing that mattered.  So the blame game stopped. I took stock even in the worst of an argument, I took stock.  What did I do?  How could I change me instead of having a laundry list of the things the other person could have done?  For the record this is years of change, not last week.

I got happy or should I say I found real joy in life.  How can I be the best mother and wife if I am consistently draining those in my own home first?  A good gut check will align you in the way you should go.  So now it’s humbling and annoying at the same time when I hear people complain.  I get real quiet and begin to make space.  I can’t entertain those negative people.  In the last few months I have had one friend that I have hung around that has even challenged my interactions with friends.  I can’t do the friends that have a negative response to the most mundane thing.  For instance I sent a friend a card, they were like why did you send it to me.  I had already made it personal with lovely encouraging words, etc but instead of just reading it, they got it, didn’t open it and was like why this and why that.  I immediately took a mental note.  Listen, my friend I’ll call her K has shown me that friendships should be light.  You should be able to send messages back and forth and enjoy the company.  You should be generally happy instead of the “I wonder what issue this person will bring,” type of relationship.

Image result for complainer

So I want to first thank my husband who brought up my negative talk to me.  Our mates know us.  When your mate says your annoying, a complainer, a nagger, you can be mad all you want the truth is in the message, learn to receive it.  I took the message and instead of getting mad, and complained some more I got it together.  There is more laughter in our home than disagreements.  Even disagreements don’t last that long. Trust me even I am have taken notice to it.  Also there is a lightness that makes things flow better even in the most difficult situations we have faced.  People think that trouble doesn’t come to us but that’s the furthest from the truth, we are just handling it better. Secondly I want to think K who has been so refreshing and not just K but a lot of my friends I wasn’t able to receive real love back and forth the way I needed to because of my own hindrances.  I feel like my relationships have gotten better for those who are on the same wave length and the others need work.  Some of that work may be from me and some from the other side as well.  We shall see.

Image result for complainer

The time you spend complaining and living in a complaining state takes too much time off of your life.  I think to be honest is where I started doing the daily days that I post on my personal Facebook page.  There is something to be grateful for, something to celebrate, something to be better for.  Learn to tap into that.  I now have to be sure my kids don’t take on any of negative behaviors. I make sure to call it out and show them rather than tell them what gratefulness looks like.  I think our home has been in a better place.  As a wife and mom it’s up to me to set a tone as a covering over negativity in it. I hope that my own blunders will help a person to be the best version of themselves.  I know that negativity is a learned behavior and you are ultimately responsible for what comes out of your mouth.  People do NOT want to be in your presence when you are a cess pool of complaining.  Life and death are in the tongue and even the death of the closeness a relationship can be is in your tongue.  FYI just because someone has been around you for so long, is not a good enough reason to continue in your ways.

Let me leave you with 5 examples and if you meet these 5; do some inside work:

Example #1:

You get a text, do you just go with the flow or question why a message was sent without checking the message first? (reading is fundamental, question what needs questioned but you don’t have to question the sender on every thing it could be just informational)

Example #2:

You get invited to a dinner, instead of going with the flow you make comments on restaurant selection, talk about yourself the whole time, etc (PS you could have stayed home and not come)

Example #3

You are in a group text, you make the church announcement that you don’t do group text and that you are tired of being in them but you get mad when you are no longer invited to the next group text or no longer privy to the information in it (you could have muted the conversation to check back later)

Example 4

You get a gift with no card, your first response is “no card” instead of saying thank you and then the next response is “why would you come with no card” (the card could have gotten lost in transit, or the gift may have not needed one)

Example 5

You are getting a group gift and instead of stating how much you wanted from others, you offer to them for them to give what they can.  Your friend gives 10 your response is “I seen how you been spending lately, this is all you have? (you can’t clock other folks money and what they should or shouldn’t be doing with it)

 

These types of responses over time will not get you invited to the next function.  You can’t get mad when you are constantly left out after the continual rude, insensitive, negative vibes are being given.  FYI outside of the gift one I have used these responses in the past in one shape or form.  This way no one will get in their feelings of you used what I did or said.  However if the shoe fits, please wear them and adjust.  No one and I repeat NO ONE has time for any of the above mess.  No one wants to be drained of negative space when around you.

Be better not to save a relationship but because deep down even you get sick of you.   Continue reading The Complainer

Advertisements

National Compliment Day

Today is national compliment day.  I am sure you knew that right?  Well let’s talk about them.  I know we all love to get them.  They make you feel warm, beautiful and confident.  However there are a few things to consider:

  1. Be okay with receiving them. If someone says nice shoes, don’t say oh, these old things. This is taking away from the compliment.  You are worthy of it. Do not deflect and bring in any negativity to overshadow the gesture. This is harder than you think. Notice how often you do this.  Your special someone in your life, you can’t just say thank you.  You have to say thank you and deflect.  Things like you have to say that, or you’re playing games, stop this behavior.  This 2018 and everyday accept compliments.
  2. Be okay with giving them. Ladies especially it doesn’t take away from you to give another woman a compliment.  It doesn’t matter if you are alone or in a crowd, show another woman just how brilliant and beautiful she is. If you’re going to rally about women’s rights and I truly support that movement then be okay with being a little more sisterly in how you treat others around you at ALL times. We as women especially are connected in some way whether you want to receive the message or not. What you are going through someone else has so we don’t have time to look down on others.
  3. Give them often.  This doesn’t mean you have to be extra with it, but a compliment does something to the receiver AND the giver.  This world is already filled with so much hate, you don’t need to add to it.  Show love
  4. Be courteous to your fellow-man/woman. This should be common place.  Slow it down.  Do not think that it takes anything away from you. Did you walk past someone and not say hello?  Stop that, it don’t add or take away from your credit score to say hello.  Did you not allow a person to cut in front of you while driving?  Stop that.  Be courteous.  If you’re that much in a hurry you should have left the day before.  Slow down. Did you hold the elevator for your co-worker? No, stop that.  You aren’t that much in a hurry that you couldn’t wait.  Be courteous, give compliments to whom they are due and spread love!

Image result for beyonce gif

Ask Toi: How do I encourage the love of my life to do the old things they once did?

This is a very sensitive subject.  Often times women and men can lose their way when it comes to keeping the spark lit.  One of the things to keep in mind is to look at what may have happened that has your baby not being what you want them or expected them to be.  Has there been a lost of any sort?  What about changes in atmosphere?  These are things to consider.

One thing to do is communicate.  Long gone are the days when a mate, a boo thing, your love, your bae is supposed to just know.  That isn’t fair. Things change and if you are in the middle of a miscommunication the best way is to get on track with realistic expectations.  This means what do you want?  Be clear but also be prepared to give. You may find that you have stopped in an area(s) as well.  While you are focusing on what you aren’t being given it may be that you too got some giving to do as well.

Talk about it.  Tell them what you need.  Don’t use words like you fell off, you aint, you suck, I can’t stand… This should be understood but trust me when I say that there are folks doing the most and it’s so super true.  Be careful what you say and how you say it.  Then get to the root of the problem.  If your bae is really a good bae and you approach it right you both can come from this with a sense of renewed love.  Love is beautiful and it can give those lovey dovey feelings that everyone has told themselves is supposed to happen but if you aren’t careful you will forget how much work it takes to get the light of love burning.

So whatever you were doing for your bae, keep doing.  Dinners, do them. Flowers, do them.  Date night monthly, do it.  Also be the change you want to see.  Encourage your partner to be the best version of themselves by you doing the same.  A solid individual that feels like they got their act together personally can contribute to the “we” part of their life too.  So get back on track by using tact and work through together.  Also be sure that you and your bae physical, emotional and especially mental needs are being met.  This doesn’t mean that they need to be met by you.  The idea that we need to put on or perform for our mate has to be dispelled. I read a comment where a young lady asked for others to pray for her that her boyfriend will keep liking her and accept her.  Although I believe in the power of prayer, your boo to continue liking you is a bit much. Relationships do change.  However someone having to be prayed to accept is not the will.  Acceptance should be how you and your bae got together.  This is why I never encourage men or women to change themselves for their mate.  This will create something for your loved one that isn’t going to be kept up because it may go against the very core of who you are.  It’s like wearing heels everyday trying to kill yourself when you are a real sneaker girl is crazy. However sliding your pretty feet in a pair of heels every now and again and especially on date nights is a better compromise.

Stress Awareness: Emotional Stress

Emotional stress is one of the stressors that attaches itself to one of the other stresses we discussed.  If your mind is all over the place, allowing you to think about all kinds of thing it will affect your emotions and can cause physical stress.  You can’t really be mentally or physically stressed and it doesn’t mess with your emotions.  They are sidekicks to yourself.

Image result for emotionally stressed gif

However you can calm your emotions to began to handle things and alleviate the other stresses.  One of the reasons is that out of your mouth your heart speaks.  What you talk about, give life to shows where you are.  When you say you are over something and you think you are but keep talking about it still has you.  When you aren’t phased by something is when you let things go.  So how do you handle emotional stress?  Getting to the root of what is tugging at your heart.  If you are hurt you tend to hurt others in your words, deeds, etc. Lashing out sometimes only reveals what is really going on.  However don’t expect the world to give you a pass just because something is bothering you. Everyone around is having a hard time and only really mature people even take the time to weed out your mess and want to assist you.  Others will tell you that they are here for you but aren’t.  These types of heart issues have to come from you doing some work on the inside out.

Image result for emotionally stressed gif

I have said it before sometimes writing things down or even saying it gets it out.  Once out you can own it and then find ways to fix it.  Not everything can be fixed.  There will be tines when apologies will never come from the very ones who are fully aware that they did you wrong.  There are so many people in the grave who have power on those of us who are living because we won’t forgive.  And although some take it as cliché, forgiveness is really for you.  It frees you.  It makes you whole.  You can be whole without someone apologizing to you when you learn to drop the charges against them.  It doesn’t mean that they deserve it.  It doesn’t mean you will forget about it.  It just means you don’t need to carry the weight of what others have done.  Let’s be honest, people are rude People are inconsiderate and people say and do mean things.  You don’t have to like it but nothing that someone else has done should make you not live the best life that you can. It’s like being miserable while the others around you continue their life.  This happens all the time.  It’s hard to forgive and move on but its worth your peace to do it.

Take some time not to mask what you feel but to deal with it.  You may not be able to get closure but you can close the books to your heart and move to a positive place in your life.

 

Ask Toi: My boyfriend is calling me little cute names and its irking me but this is a new relationship and I don’t want to mess it up, what should I do?

The very point of new love is to get to know someone. If you telling your boyfriend that you don’t like something is an issue this relationship will not last.  Relationships are give and take.  Sometimes you have to speak up.  Best believe your boyfriend will have zero problems stating what he likes or doesn’t like.  I get that the first semi difficult talk seems to be happening, but you have to let him know.  Why let this man call you a little pet name that you simply don’t want to hear.  When he calls you this name its supposed to have you grinning from ear to ear not irritated.  Communication is key in any relationship.  Women feel like they can’t speak up unless all hell has broken loose and now you’re in full complaint mode.  Men think that all women do is complain because often times we let things go unchecked and then we confront after many times before we didn’t simply just be an adult and hash it out and leave it alone.  You don’t like it, sit him down and say hey I would prefer a different name.  Reality as simple as this situation is the bigger issue isn’t in a pet name but the reality that you are already feeling like you need to tip toe around him and that needs to change.  If you are in a relationship open and honest communication with yourself and then him is necessary. Any relationship where you can’t do both needs to be reevaluated.  Is the name the issue or your lack of ability to feel comfortable speaking up the issue?  Is it that you are afraid that rocking the boat?  Is your relationship in a good place or this a drop in a bucket? Sometimes the small things that irritate you about someone can reveal much bigger issues.  If the romance has died early on than you can either do the work to rekindle it or decide if its worth it all together.

 

 

T.I.-Marriage is a distraction

I love T.I. but my love for him will never cloud my judgement on whether or not I think the words coming out of his mouth is right or not.  His marriage has been under fire for many years.  Recently it has come under fire when his estranged wife “Tiny” Tameka Harris filed for divorce.

I try not to believe everything in the tabloids.  For instance the reported infidelity on both sides no one really knows for sure but Tiny and TI.  However one thing that has been circulating is TI’s most recent interview where he states how he can be a better best friend to Tiny but not a good husband to her.  Now let’s explore this statement since I am a married woman if I heard that I was a distraction after giving my husband the best of me, having children and building a life regardless of what was going on I would be devastated.  I feel for Tiny in that aspect.

Should he stay just to save face?

However I wouldn’t have an issue with TI feeling and expressing the way he feels if he had this conversation with her privately and before the alleged affairs that took place. We tend to take the honestly out of marriage out. If your husband can’t come to you and be transparent even if it hurts that is an issue.  I know for my husband and I struggle in this area to be 100% vulnerable because we still feel the need to hold a person’s feelings when you discuss difficult situations.  It doesn’t mean someone is withholding information it just means that some things are difficult and may take time to bring to one another’s attention.

If TI feels that he can be a better friend over a husband as hard as those words are to hear, it’s better to have the words said than to prolong the inevitable.  However I do believe that tact should always be considered.  The timing on something like that is everything.  This means to Tiny that even if she thought they could reconcile things, he is not in the place to do so.  He no longer wants to do the things that husbands do.  She has to get pass that type of gut wrenching hurt. She could be doing that in her own way.  I think she is still struggling.  If my husband and I had that conversation and I saw him or thought he was entertaining someone I know for a full fact I would be okay to see that or have it thrown in my face all the time.  It would take some time to heal that the marriage was over.  Have my husband had some extremely hurtful things that hit and cut like that?  Absolutely if I am honest.

We tend to romanticize marriage.  We tend to think everything will just work out.  It doesn’t.  I do not like the ideal of divorce.  I didn’t marry to divorce but it happens.  You have to understand that going into it.  No you don’t look for it to happen but understand when it comes to the matters of the heart and will, things will never remain if the person you are working with stops working with you.  TI shouldn’t just stick it out for the sake of the kids, to make Tiny happy, or to prevent from divorcing altogether.  Somebody has to realize that a broken toy doesn’t always get fixed.  Women are lining their opinions on the matter and some not understanding what its like to be married.  Some are on team Tiny and reality is there is no need for Team anybody.  The team members that matter the most, one party doesn’t want to be married.  It sucks, it hurts, but I am sure like most strong women she is shattered but her pieces can be put back together.

I can’t imagine what it feels to be in Tiny’s shoes.  She can’t even grief the marriage because she is in the public eye.  I am sure that Tiny and TI have had good moments.  I am sure they keep things together for the children.  I am sure that they are trying to work on things to get them to the point where they can be cordial.  I am also sure that is not without pain and not without hurt.  Tiny has been there for TI even during the time of his incarceration.  He I am sure has been there during difficult times as well.  They lost a child together, they have been through Hell and back.  People think that in marriage you won’t change but marriage changes people.  Some for the better and some it can go left.  I know couples who take years to get to this point still holding on to what was. Loyalty is pricey.  This is why its hard for people to give it to just anyone.  They know that you put yourself out there and the return on investment can be everything or nothing at all. Marriage is work but it takes both partners willing to make it work for it to work.  I wish them both well.

What your Married Friends Won’t Tell You

So I am going to a wedding today.  I know without a doubt this union is just going to be a beautiful celebration of two people who really do love each other and who are both committed to being there for one another.  Going to weddings when you are married is supposed to remind you of your own vows.  You get that rush of feeling when you think of the nervousness of both individuals and you remember how you felt doing the same thing.  Marriage is a lifetime committment and that committment can be easy-going but filled with the ups and downs of life.  So here are a few things that married people don’t share but its true.

  1. You will get on each others nerves-I know in the fairy tales the man and woman marry and then they live happily ever after but in planet Reality, it’s not true all the time.  Your mate will get on your last nerve and then resurrect that nerve and get on it again and again and again.  Yes and some more.  This is the closest person to you and they know all of your ups and downs as well as your triggers.  Love is forever but staying in that forever moment take works.
  2. You will not be in a blissful state of euphoria every minute of your marriage.  Cue in the flowers, lingerie, and happy smiles marriage is work.  I think I said that before but marriage is work.  You will have to be intentional in creating happy spaces of your marriage.  You will also need to be prepared for the down times as well as make sure you are already on a stable foundation.
  3. Your first few years are the hardest.  You may find that your temperament will change as you ride the waves of this new life.  You may argue for the first time since you called your little baby boo, teddy bear, love muffin yours.  This will pass.  If you notice that you are having more trouble than most than seek counseling.  But know its normal to disagree.  Don’t stress and if you can’t find a solution than let an argument settle and come back to it.  Take a time out.  It’s okay. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither do all arguments.
  4. Sometimes you will crave your own space.  You got married to be one, but you don’t have to be joined at the hip.  However there will be time when life pushes you more and more together and if you aren’t careful can push you away from your own dreams.  You have a help mate which means someone to help you along the journey of life but not to be your life.  Make time to love on each other and still have to cultivate your own passions.
  5. Life changes.  This has to be said.  Marriage is not just a piece of paper.  It binds you in spirit and love.  That changes the game altogether.  You are no longer on an island you are responsible for each other and the family and life you have.  Going with the flow isn’t easy for everyone that is why the person you pick to spend your life with is super important.  You want to be sure that the person is willing to take care of you if you lost all of your limbs, lost your mind, or got severely sick.  Why pick a person who will run at the slightest sign of danger.  You are wasting the time you could be with the one who really wants to be just be there.  They should want to be there just because they love you and love doing for you and with you.
  6. Sex is important.  I know you hear stories of wives who only have sex 3 times a year: birthday, Christmas, and anniversaries.  Although it’s not my place to say how often a couple should be having it, if you ask the couple separately there will always be one that wants it more and the other who wants it less.  Whether you believe in sex before marriage or not, talking about sex and the expectations should be discussed before hand.  Why be married to the one person who is to fulfill your needs and find out that they aren’t going to or have no intention of doing so.  This is crushing, especially in lines of honoring your vows.  If you are to honor your vows and that means not sleeping around than you should be able to be sexually free with your mate.  This takes time and being on the same page outside of the bedroom.  Also be realistic.  Once babies, sickness or anything else life swings your way will change-up the rhythm.  It takes two to tango.  If you hear from a married friend that something is wrong in the timing of sex in their lives, always remember there are always two sides and in the middle is always a big misunderstanding. Communication and the lack thereof is always the culprit.
  7. Communication is a big issue in marriage and it can make or break the relationship.  Money is tied or sometimes seen as number one but communication is the culprit before money.  If you can’t communicate and if you struggle like I do at times than you must have someone willing to help you close that gap or is patient. You have to be able to open up.  Men you will definitely know you are marrying or have married the right one when you don’t want to communicate but its something about the lady in your life that pushes you past your comfort level of opening up. How you say what you say is actually more important than the words you say. Saying hey you lost yourself and you look horrible is way off track than saying hey what is going on and how can I help you get back to your happy place.  See the difference. I tell my husband all the time you can the same thing and use tact and tact will get you everything with me.  Its super true.  I love that man and if he comes correct 99% he can get whatever he needs within reason.
  8. Money is something to be on top of. I don’t like money talks. I hate them to be honest.  I always feel like I am being talked to like a child when it comes to money.  I am the type that is like just tell me what I need to contribute to and move on but it doesn’t always work that way.  You can’t be afraid to know where you stand. I encourage every woman who is reading this blog if you are in a marriage to know the ends and outs of what is coming in and what is coming out. You should have copies of every important financial document and know the status everything concerning you and your households.  Do you know how many women just because they are stay at home moms or aren’t working that don’t know this information.  If something happens to that man you can’t write a check, drive, or even know if you can bury that man-nothing. Change that.  You need to be partners in life which means that you must be partners who have full rights.  Every partner should have all the cards facing up.
  9. Happy wife, happy life is a lie and a truth at the same time.  Happy wife starts with a happy wife than you can do things to make her happy after her happiness is fulfilled.  Let me share a little confession, I am not that happy wife all the time.  This takes practice. I would encourage all soon to be wives and those wanting to be wives to do some work on yourself before you join yourself to someone.  It takes a lot of out of the marriage to constantly try to make a miserable person happy.  You can kill a person trying to do the most.  Once you have a happy wife than men its up to you to make sure you keep her love bucket full and vice versa the same applies to the ladies.  Love on yourself and never forget the reason why you got married is the key to keeping you as an individual happy therefore making a happy marriage.
  10. Marriage isn’t for everyone.  I know we know about the divorce rates but that isn’t supposed to scare you.  Marriage is what you and your mate put into it.  What people don’t tell you is to never judge your marriage off of what others around you do.  What makes one marriage work never applies to all marriages.  So be careful comparing and water your own garden.