Let me just say and acknowledge that I used to be the one that got on everyone’s nerves with complaining. I mean as much as I blamed everyone else for the inability to deal with it, the truth of the matter I was the Debbie Downer that no one wanted to be around. I used to sit around and say well if “they” can’t deal with me that’s on them, this is who I am. Sound familiar? You can’t blame folks for no longer wanting to be in your space when your space is dampened by negative vibes and foolery. It’s like hey, you don’t ever have a good day? What does it take for you to smile? Is your life hanging in the balance, no? Are you ever going to be okay? I can only imagine the things my own husband thought even if he never said it. I get it when I hear others do it because I hear my old responses.
So fast forward to these last few years, I have one, gut bunched myself. I checked me. My mom always taught me everyone ain’t telling the same lie. They may variations but when you hear the same exact thing, there’s truth in that story. So instead of dragging those around me with misery I checked myself and quick. I one went to counseling to deal with those underlying issues we think is dormant until they aren’t. Secondly I looked at life from a different perspective. There are a thousand and one things that can go wrong in your life, but my responses was the only thing that mattered. So the blame game stopped. I took stock even in the worst of an argument, I took stock. What did I do? How could I change me instead of having a laundry list of the things the other person could have done? For the record this is years of change, not last week.
I got happy or should I say I found real joy in life. How can I be the best mother and wife if I am consistently draining those in my own home first? A good gut check will align you in the way you should go. So now it’s humbling and annoying at the same time when I hear people complain. I get real quiet and begin to make space. I can’t entertain those negative people. In the last few months I have had one friend that I have hung around that has even challenged my interactions with friends. I can’t do the friends that have a negative response to the most mundane thing. For instance I sent a friend a card, they were like why did you send it to me. I had already made it personal with lovely encouraging words, etc but instead of just reading it, they got it, didn’t open it and was like why this and why that. I immediately took a mental note. Listen, my friend I’ll call her K has shown me that friendships should be light. You should be able to send messages back and forth and enjoy the company. You should be generally happy instead of the “I wonder what issue this person will bring,” type of relationship.
So I want to first thank my husband who brought up my negative talk to me. Our mates know us. When your mate says your annoying, a complainer, a nagger, you can be mad all you want the truth is in the message, learn to receive it. I took the message and instead of getting mad, and complained some more I got it together. There is more laughter in our home than disagreements. Even disagreements don’t last that long. Trust me even I am have taken notice to it. Also there is a lightness that makes things flow better even in the most difficult situations we have faced. People think that trouble doesn’t come to us but that’s the furthest from the truth, we are just handling it better. Secondly I want to think K who has been so refreshing and not just K but a lot of my friends I wasn’t able to receive real love back and forth the way I needed to because of my own hindrances. I feel like my relationships have gotten better for those who are on the same wave length and the others need work. Some of that work may be from me and some from the other side as well. We shall see.
The time you spend complaining and living in a complaining state takes too much time off of your life. I think to be honest is where I started doing the daily days that I post on my personal Facebook page. There is something to be grateful for, something to celebrate, something to be better for. Learn to tap into that. I now have to be sure my kids don’t take on any of negative behaviors. I make sure to call it out and show them rather than tell them what gratefulness looks like. I think our home has been in a better place. As a wife and mom it’s up to me to set a tone as a covering over negativity in it. I hope that my own blunders will help a person to be the best version of themselves. I know that negativity is a learned behavior and you are ultimately responsible for what comes out of your mouth. People do NOT want to be in your presence when you are a cess pool of complaining. Life and death are in the tongue and even the death of the closeness a relationship can be is in your tongue. FYI just because someone has been around you for so long, is not a good enough reason to continue in your ways.
Let me leave you with 5 examples and if you meet these 5; do some inside work:
You get a text, do you just go with the flow or question why a message was sent without checking the message first? (reading is fundamental, question what needs questioned but you don’t have to question the sender on every thing it could be just informational)
You get invited to a dinner, instead of going with the flow you make comments on restaurant selection, talk about yourself the whole time, etc (PS you could have stayed home and not come)
You are in a group text, you make the church announcement that you don’t do group text and that you are tired of being in them but you get mad when you are no longer invited to the next group text or no longer privy to the information in it (you could have muted the conversation to check back later)
You get a gift with no card, your first response is “no card” instead of saying thank you and then the next response is “why would you come with no card” (the card could have gotten lost in transit, or the gift may have not needed one)
You are getting a group gift and instead of stating how much you wanted from others, you offer to them for them to give what they can. Your friend gives 10 your response is “I seen how you been spending lately, this is all you have? (you can’t clock other folks money and what they should or shouldn’t be doing with it)
These types of responses over time will not get you invited to the next function. You can’t get mad when you are constantly left out after the continual rude, insensitive, negative vibes are being given. FYI outside of the gift one I have used these responses in the past in one shape or form. This way no one will get in their feelings of you used what I did or said. However if the shoe fits, please wear them and adjust. No one and I repeat NO ONE has time for any of the above mess. No one wants to be drained of negative space when around you.
Be better not to save a relationship but because deep down even you get sick of you. Continue reading The Complainer