ToiTime Celebrates Father’s Day

I love my dad.  There is no debate about that. I think that all dads should be celebrated. The issue with Father’s Day is that we don’t honor them. I know I am not blind to the fact that many dads don’t step up. I get it.  I get that some homes only have mothers and grandmothers and women taking care of what should be a two parent job. However, does that mean that as a woman who has an outstanding father I should diminish my love for great dads? The answer is HELL NO!

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I see the amounts of money spent on moms and I am like where is the respect for dads? Growing up I could be in the classroom where only a handful of us talked about having one. I felt bad for the ones who didn’t and I still do. However my dad is just a great man so you’re going to have to cry thug tears today if you don’t want to hear about it.  Let’s start with my grandfather. Hands down the hardest man I know. I could care less what anyone says, that man is the best.  He is over 80 years old and still does odd and end jobs to take care of my grandma. He gets up at like 4 in the morning to start his day. He is the last to go to bed sometimes.  He travels and sings and he is the one that feeds everyone and is super helpful.  There isn’t anyone in the family that can say a bad thing about him. I am sure he has flaws but as a grandfather he covers everyone married or not. He is there and is consistent.  So no wonder my dad is definitely a chip off the block.

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My dad is the type that I can call crying and he would stop the world to come to my rescue. Growing up he was hard on us but he definitely showed love.  He is THE BEST dad ever. Not just because it looks good to say but off social media and this blog he is there.  So when Father’s Day comes around I like to make sure that I give what I can to show him how much I love him and respect him.  He has seen me in my worst, still loves me.  He has yelled at me when I needed it, still loves me.  He has taken me out on our little dates together, still loves me.  This man has done it all.  He has worked hard at jobs he didn’t even like to support us all. He has stayed up late hours if we were sick and went to work like it has never bothered him.  He is the one that everyone knows and respects no matter what.  He is just a great dad.

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Then go from my dad to my husband. He is the best dad to our kids.  He plays with them. He does whatever is necessary.  He is the total opposite of what his dad was to him. That’s not a knock to his dad but it is facts.  He works hard to make sure that he isn’t giving our kids what he was given growing up.  People say that we are a product of our environment but that is a choice.  My husband is the dad that sneaks the kids stuff behind my back.  Like most dads he gets to play good cop for the most part.  The girls have him wrapped around his finger.  They give him them eyes and they get what they want.  My son is his twin and I swear he uses that to his advantage often. So they have a great dad.  I wanted them to have the same experience that I did growing up and I believe they do.  My husband is hands down the best dad the kids could have asked for.  I want to publicly let the world know how much of a great dad that my dad, my husband, my grandfather and my uncles are to their families respectfully. It is super empowering to know that these men have our families back.  I love you all!

So those who have great dads, please celebrate them. Give them the same love you would give your mom. It’s a dual job.  They are both equally important.  For the ones who experience pain during this holiday, I pray peace and calm.  It is hard not knowing what it is like to have your dad take you out as a daughter and show you how a man is supposed to treat you. To know that a man isn’t supposed to hurt you.  To know that when the world is crazy that your dad’s voice and actions are to be protecting.  If the world gets to crazy that your dad is supposed to raise hell.

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Happy Father’s Day to all of the amazing dads in the world.  To the ones with secret super hero capes, you will never go unnoticed here at ToiTime.  Enjoy your day!!

 

 

Ask Toi: How do I get my husband to step it up and help parent our kids?

Simple you ask him.  You also let him step in.  He is grown.  Those kids were not made alone.  If you are saying he needs to step it up that means to me that he does do something but not all that you want.  Have you voiced this?  Not just said you don’t do a,b,or c.  Often times we really don’t express what we want from our mate especially when it comes to parenting.  What do you want him to do?  What will parenting together look like not just from your view but his too?  Are you willing to let him step in fully?  Will you support him as he is to support you?  Yes these are questions to ask yourself.

If you always take over, he may be reluctant to help.  Recognize if that is something that you are doing and step back.  The way men and women parent is different.  Often times as a mother you are expecting it to look like your way and it won’t and vice versa.  Step back. Once you do and you are still not getting a result and this is after you have told him your concerns, than you need to know that you are dealing with someone who is checking out. It could be that he doesn’t know, however that excuse will only take him but so far. Women are expected to know and do while men if they are in the physical home are praised.  Simply coming home at night is not enough.  We are not the generation of our parents and grandparents.  Men can and are vital parts of the home.  Simply just being is only half of what is needed.  We need men to engage even in the things that naturally they wouldn’t for our sons and our daughters.  Parenting is a full-time job.  It requires both sets of parents to be engaged.  Yes your husband may not know what fatherhood looks like, but if you have and start a family, its your responsibility to go after the skills that don’t come naturally to you.  There are way too many parenting classes, resources for the I don’t know excuse.  So find out what it is and make it happen TOGETHER.  One of the greatest challenges a married couple will have is when you have children.  This is why it’s important to really know a person, their background, how they were raised, and what they believe when it comes to raising children BEFORE you marry.  Even if you never met your mate’s entire family please believe me when you have children you will.  Your child/children are a mix of both of you and therefore it is not uncommon for children to bring out the best in you and the worst in you as well.

Work together.  It’s hard as a woman when you naturally are more nurturing to let go. Parenting isn’t easier but there’s something in us that makes us step up in ways that only if you allow will allow a man to not have to take his rightful place.  Your husband and you should always have a united front as you work out things in your parenting styles. Remember you are bringing in two different experiences into your unique home.  That in itself takes a lot of finesse.  Talk to your husband and LISTEN and not just hear.  This isn’t a point the finger time, but a time to establish some goals, create a space of healing, and unite to make your children great and productive citizens in this world.  Your children deserve to have both of you in their lives.  Make sure both of your ideals are heard.  Also make sure to never hit below the belt.  You don’t need to signal every negative thing about each other’s upbringing, parents, etc to make a point.  You can communicate better than that and still get things done.