Sunday Message: Being Aware

One of the biggest things that we don’t always do is make ourselves aware of ourselves. This week I was super agitated. It wasn’t anything that anyone had done. I had to find a balance between the news and all of the events surrounding myself.  It was hard to balance. I found myself semi-triggered at times. Thinking to myself how hard it was to not be upset because whatever was going on around me was triggered.

I had to remove myself from conversations with certain people this week. I had to walk away and say I can’t do anymore than I am doing. As someone who is an ultimate care giver, I find myself in that mode all the time.  My kids can be at school all day and I am still over thinking about what has to be done as soon as I get home. It’s a part of my personality honestly to be on top of it all.  With wanting to stay up to date with current events especially with the elections around the corner, researching candidates so I can make an informed decision, self-care, eating right, working out, and training for this half marathon has been mentally draining. I swear my wrist got tired just typing all of that. Nonetheless taking a moment when I took a step back to see when I was breathing heavier trying to prevent myself from reacting, or watching my kids laugh instead of just walking around like a stress bomb made me take more account of myself.

close up photo of a woman listening to music

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What do I need? It’s always okay to step out and grab what you need in the moments but we pretend that we have to have it altogether and we don’t. Being aware of my husband and the things he is processing is a learned skill. To know when he needs me to just let him talk so he can vent and I just listen has been a task this week.  It is hard because we all have stuff pulling on us.  Being aware when my kids just want more hugs instead of me so excited for their bedtime so I can decompress.  It was a challenge this week. It wasn’t this natural happy flow. I had to work at it. I had to step back and make myself be in the moments.

What are you needing to be aware?  What can being aware help you accomplish?  You will be surprised of the inspiration that comes from it. You will be more zen to handle your life instead of your life handling you. Take a moment and be in the moments of life. Don’t let time slip by and you don’t even know how you got there!

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Monday Motivation: Small Nugget Lessons

So if you’re lucky to have odd today on this supposed holiday kudos to you. To the rest of us grabbing our life line I mean coffee cups, we out here surviving! Today I decided to give you some little nuggets to help your Monday progress!

  • Mute on your phone works-there are people you don’t feel like entertaining on your phone mute them. This way you can answer their shenanigans on your time
  • Saying no is just as powerful as a yes
  • If you are involved with someone or something that is a point of anger or issues, end it (it’s your choice to stay)
  • Happiness is a personal job! Stop making folks pay a bill that God gifted you with the sufficiency to pay
  • Step out of faith. Just cause you are scared doesn’t change it being a faith walk nonetheless
  • If you need help ask for it
  • Strength is in finding your purpose not staying in dysfunctional situations
  • Take social media breaks; even if you need to set a timer to help. Too much of it isn’t good
  • Write this week’s goals down-you can’t achieve it without being clear in what the it is
  • Limit foolishness this week
  • Reduce your reality television trust me it does something for you
  • Instead of wishing you had something someone had, find out what you really like or need and focus on that
  • Don’t like your job? Get your resume out there and actively search
  • Work week feels overwhelmed; what can you do to organize the things around you?
  • If you’re a mom and you’re ready to pull your hair, gather your edges and break down your stress to find small solutions until your bigger solution comes
  • If you’re dating someone and the red flags are mounting, don’t ignore them
  • If you’re married and it seems like you’re off base, find ways to change you and pray for your mate. Sometimes small changes in you will inspire them
  • If you’re divorced know that finding a new life isn’t easy but it’s doable!

Enjoy your week! Take control of the things that you can control! Don’t feed into negativity. Drink your water. Work out. Take the steps instead of the elevator. Dedicate to healthier eating habits. Mind your business. Grow your business. Spend time laughing. Find the joy in the bad!!

All of the mentioned above will give you an awesome day and week!!

2018 Light the Night

9 years ago I met this bubbly personality in my girl Jen! We met at work. We quickly clicked. We were even pregnant at the same time and a bond was made. I got a call that Jen was diagnosed with cancer! I was in such disbelief. There was no way she had cancer. She didn’t seem phased she went right into let’s fight it mode. Everyone around her took on the same mindset. It was time to fight!

The family organized to provide food for her while she went through her treatments. Everyone was full hands on deck. She pulled through while losing all of her hair, being tired, being sick but she did it while raising her boys and being a wife. Lymphomanics was made! We came together and we have been walking for at least 5 years! Friday October 5, we came together and walked to help stomp out cancer!

If you don’t know what Light the Night is take some time to read up on the blood cancer, the various types, and how you can help the cause. It is not only dear to me as it was a source of support for Jen, it is also an organization I will probably be behind for years to come!

White lanterns are for survivors.

Red lanterns are for supporters and care givers

Gold or yellow is in memory of someone who unfortunately lost their battle with cancer!

When it’s night the lit lanterns are carried to be a symbolism of the fight that so many are there to stand behind.

One day as we continue to raise money there will be a cure so that people of all ages will never have to get that call that cancer has come calling. It’s a beautiful sea of lanterns walking together!

Thank you to organizations like Light the Night for supporting families like Jen push through. Thank you to the Lymphomanics for still answering the call to continue and forever stand behind Jen and her family. Thank to all who have supported this year and the years of the past. Thank you to my family for supporting me as I travel to attend the walks every year! Thank you Jen for your continued love and support!

Ask Toi…..Marriage and Divorce Edition?

So its been a minute since I have openly answered my Ask Toi segment although I have privately given the asking party their answers.  Keep in mind that if you want to Ask Toi; please send your email to toitimeblog@gmail.com

I will answer your question and keep you completely anonymous.  Feel free to ask any question that you may want. If it’s about me or if you’re asking something about me or my family I reserve all rights not to answer.

Ask Toi: my husband wants a divorce but I want to work it out, how can I proceed?

Well there is this old saying that it takes two to tango and that is true in a marriage. It takes two people who are willing to do the work to make a marriage work.  We keep believing that this lovey dovey feeling is all we need to live on to sustain a marriage. Real life hits in marriage because you have a mirror up to you being reflected from your partner. They know all of your dark secrets. They know who you are offline and online.  They know the little things about you that make you tick or make them tick too.  However what makes folks stay? Some say its the willingness and knowing that no one is perfect and that the flaws present isn’t enough to send them packing. If your husband wants a divorce has he given you a reason? If you say yes, than you know why he wants out and you know if its workable situation. You can ask him if he’s willing to go to a few counseling sessions prior to filling. Let me help you with some advice on counseling.

When you go if he’s willing to go, keep in mind that not only will this space give you answers its going to make you mad. You will hear all kinds of things being said. It may not stop the divorce. Let me repeat that, it may not stop your husband after counseling from filing for divorce.  Your objective is to listen and pour out. Sometimes it may give you closure.  Divorce is messy at times even when its amicable. Love hurts. However if you come to the conclusion that your husband is either unwilling to go to counseling, or once in counseling still wants a divorce, you can either fight him on it or give him what he wants. As a married woman this is a personal decision that my advice can’t give you. This is a battle within yourself and with him where you go from there. What I will say is there is life after divorce. I know that you can pull through it and gather yourself and make a great life for yourself with or without a husband. Don’t let this define you but know this is going to a bumpy ride. Also know some men or women say they want a divorce to inflict pain they aren’t willing to address with their partner. Please never use divorce as a way to punish but only use it if you are ready to go through it. Also be clear in who you let in during this time. Don’t speak on everything with everyone around you. They can’t push the decision one way or another. You do not need everyone in your ear influencing you. Be clear with your husband as much as you can. Start finding ways to practice some extra self-care. Regardless of how it goes, this is a hard hit to you and your emotions. I really hope things work out for you and his best interest.

Ask Toi: My Husband is different online than he is in real life? Its draining me and I don’t know what to do, how do I handle it? He is gone for days at a time and comes home with gifts….

Well just to let my readers know the wife stated that the husband appears to be super romantic online towards her but in real life he is the polar opposite.

Now that we got that little disclaimer out the way let’s proceed. We all want to put our best foot forward online. Online is a mix of real life with touches of filters. Some of those filters only filter pics and some of them distort who we really are. This is why it’s always to reverse the situation and show nice pics but be real so that your online and your offline can meet.  Your husband wanting the world to know that he loves you online but is distant in real life, can go days without speaking is an issue. I would suggest that you bring it to him. I would take him out where you can change the atmosphere. Tell him you are glad that he paints the relationship online as beautiful. Keep that in mind because your issues isn’t in what he puts online it’s what he does toward you offline.

Down right not talking for a week, or leaving the house for days as you suggested is disrespectful. No husband can just up and leave for days talking about he’s mad. His behavior is suggestive to say the least. I have a lot of married male friends and at no time has any of them rolled out for days at a time unless that wife and them were in a separated lifestyle. This leave and go where is my question? Cause if every time it gets hard, he runs is showing you he isn’t equipped to handle this and somebody got to be clear that they still want to be married. He is making himself appear that he’s doing more in the streets if nothing else leaving without being honest about his whereabouts. Nobody should have that type of relationship in a marriage. That is the type of thing, a boyfriend does not a husband.  He either wants his cake and eat it too or wants it to appear that way. I mean that is my being nice about it but in reality no man would think he could come home bearing gifts unless this has been how its been and you have accepted it. Just because you have before the only way to let him know that he can’t would be to show him better than you can tell him. I would talk to him about it and when he rolled out again I would have met with my attorney to draw up the paperwork for a legal separation. I would present it to him (ONLY IF I PLAN TO PULL THE TRIGGER). Please don’t this on a I hope that he won’t do it. Be prepared to file if you are serious. This whole thing of playing games has to stop with you. If you one of these women that like to bark with no bite, this plan isn’t for you. You can do the whole reason with him and plead with him until you are sick AND tired of this. Like my momma would tell me, you can be sick one day. Tired the next day, but when both sick and tired comes together for real, it evokes change in you.

How much are you worth?  If you are only worth some flowers and trinkets that’s what he is going to keep giving. If you are worth more than he can give by doing the right thing, than you do the right thing for you. It may mean that the loving husband online is going to have to be without you. Expect backlash. He has created an online persona of the supportive loving husband. Your peace is worth you leaving. There is not an ounce of you that should be more concerned over what folks outside of your marriage think while you take on the impact of his real life persona. You are stressed out, and in an unloving marriage. No woman is deserving of that treatment.  I pray you protection and love as you go through this. It’s time to get a plan and work that plan!

World Gratitude Day

Everyday is a day to be grateful! Not some days when the chips are up but everyday single day! It takes so much to forget gratefulness but it’s important!

Let me tell you what I am grateful for:

  • Life: a few years ago I should have been gone a few times but I’m here so I’m looking forward to living
  • My kids: nothing is more important than them. They are my world and I treat them as such!
  • My husband: he irks me to no end but he’s mine and I’m grateful for the portion of being married
  • Employment: so many folks want to be working and can’t and to have the ability to gain money is a blessing
  • Blogging: the ability to enjoy what I do and consistently in it
  • Family: I have so many awesome family members who are super supportive and caring
  • Fall coming: I can’t wait for sweaters, sweats
  • Fitness: I have a race per month the ability to run and work out I do not take for granted
  • Friendships: my circle of girlfriends have gotten so much tighter and I love them and grateful for the sister-ship

So what are you grateful for? I could list a thousand things because everyday that you wake up is a blessing. I choose to wake up and find joy into anything. Sometimes it’s hard. There are trials and tests that I don’t pass daily. I can admit that. But I am grateful for the ability that if I do mess up, I can always try again.

Monday Motivation: Healing with no Cheerleaders

Remember that we are all going through something. While you’re healing others around you don’t always recover as fast as you. While it would be great that as you continue to crush the very things that used to hold you captive, others around you may not fully be on board but don’t let it stop you!

We love strength in numbers! However when dealing with personal struggles those numbers may not always be the way you want them. You might find that you’re cheering squad may decrease. You got to keep going. Don’t wait until a boyfriend, husband, girlfriend or friend believes in your change the same way you are attempting to live! Remember they have seen you at your worse. You’re one day, of change can be a catalyst for permanent change. The folks around you only see you as what they are used to you being. It will suck! You will get mad and then play the blame game about the level of support you believe you should have. However your change was for you and will benefit you the most. No one is going to be as happy for you like you. This doesn’t mean those around you can’t be happy for you! It’s only means that if you’re the type that has to have your squad to propel you, this will be an issue for you and could hinder your progress if you let it.

Press when you have no one like you would when you have an army behind you. Choose yourself instead of being held down by the lack of people in your corner. Sometimes when the dust clears, the folks that were an hinderance won’t be there. The pain of your squad changing will hurt like no other. But you can get through it. Your squad can be replaced, but staying the same as you were shouldn’t be on hold until that takes place. Keep pushing! Keep striving! Keep the same energy even with tears in your eyes. Choose you!!

National Blame Someone and National Positive Thinking

How do these two days go together?  They don’t but they do. Positive thinking can change how you see what others have done and although its easier to blame someone sometimes you have to take a look in the mirror at yourself.  We are sometimes our biggest enemy.  The way we talk to ourselves, handle ourselves, and do for ourselves can come from how we think.

Today I am encouraging every reader to take some stock.  I have said so many times in many blogs and it is true that sometimes my ability to blame others stopped me from being able to call a spade a spade in my own life.  I was caught up more in who the message was from instead of the message itself.  However I feel like my life took a turn for the better when I took the time to address myself.  How I was thinking wasn’t healthy for me and those around me.

black and white person woman old

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Positive thinking is hard for some who only have a negative mindset.  We all know them.  You can say the sun is bright and they will say it’s too hot.  You can say I can’t wait to hang out with friends and they say ugh I don’t even have any.  This is draining depending on what stage of life you are on.  If you find that you constantly are high fiving and in agreement with a negative Nancy in your life, its only because you are just as negative in your own life.

toddler with red adidas sweat shirt

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I find when I forget to be grateful about my life its easy to dip into negativity.  All of sudden I get less patient, my temper is flared, and then my speech changes.  I start doubting myself and simple tasks are hard.  Negativity has a way at eating at productivity.  You cant attack your goals with a negative mindset and although you want to blame circumstances and situations the person that is at fault is you.

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So lets take charge of ourselves and not point the finger out but point the finger in and change our mindset!