Ask Toi: How to Forgive a Cheating Parent?

Reader’s father cheated on their mother and reader needs help….

It’s hard to not have your parent on a peddlestool especially a father. As a kid you may have been sheltered from the things that were really going on. That’s understandable, that’s what adults should do. They shouldn’t be as open as they want with their lives for the sake of children. We know in these times some folks don’t care and do whatever they want to do. With that in mind, you’re an adult now. The wounds don’t hurt any less by finding out about your dad’s infidelity. Keep things in perspective. It’s okay to feel like you have lost respect for him. That’s actually quite normal. You’re not a kid you can express how you feel. You can also make a decision if you want to continue a relationship. I am not on team cut him off in any way. I don’t know him enough. I know in time it can be repaired if he’s willing to do the work to do so. If you’re willing to forgive and move forward is going to be key as well.

Also keep in mind that at the end of the day, your dad has to live with his decisions and most importantly your mother is dealing with it mostly. Take some time to process it. Deal with it and do not wave it under a rug like it’s no big deal.  As an adult it may help to speak to your dad one on one. Remove him from your mom and have an adult conversation. Speak candidly and maybe even go to a public place to keep you in aligned to attempt to remain calm when you speak. Remember you don’t have to take his issues on as your own but you can be verbal about where you stand.

You may hear, I am your father respect me. You can respect title and lose respect for your dad. He has to work through earning respect as harsh as it sounds.  Keep in mind that his pain doesn’t just sit with your mom and him but the kids adult or not feel the brunt of the betrayal of the family too. I don’t get why people don’t see the other side of it. Talk to someone you trust that can be a sounding board to help you through and not just someone who wants the details of what happened. If your mom and him work it out that’s great.  If they do not, that’s their marriage to work through. Support your mom in what she needs too. She is hurting too. Take a break from trying to fix it all. You are their child but not a child. You do not need to bandage this in any way to make it okay. It’s not your fight.  Be firm when you speak, say what you mean but don’t be mean when you say it.

I pray you receive closure. I send love your mom’s way and clarity to your dad. I pray he is remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to restore balance in the family structure without taking offense to the responses. I find men tend to think that once the cheating comes out, the children and women are to GIVE this level of instant respect without ever acknowledging the pain. I find it hard to understand the lack of understanding of the pain of the betrayal. Your dad can’t shrug this off like no big deal. The family ideology has been broken. He needs to be in the forefront to fix it. Everyone will need grace during this time!

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Monday Motivation: Work Jealousy

Jealousy can be super ugly.  When someone is jealous of you they do not have your best intention in mind.  They do not wish you well.  This is why you have to be aware of these allegiances you make at work and be sure that the folks you work with our pure.

Work and Roll

It’s okay to work with folks without having work and life cross.  For one not everyone you work with needs to have access to your social media life.  For one if you are like me who blogs my blog life is an open book.  I blog mostly about me. My thing is if my momma can read my blog than anyone can.  All of my messy past, all of my failures are out there.  It is what it is.  However when it comes to my kids I am super locked on them. For that reason alone my personal pages are locked.  I do everything with them.  If you are on my personal pages its clear as water.  However the drawback of having a co-worker on your page is giving them access to the side they don’t see.  Be careful who you open yourself to.  The very ones you open up to could be a problem.  You can actually work and roll.  This means be a team player, be involved in work fun but know when not to blur the lines of professional and personal.  Sometimes people box you in at work to a “she’s just (insert title) and would be amazed at how dope you really are outside of work.  Leave that space for folks who you would genuinely hang out with outside of work.  I peep people before giving them front rows to my life.

Jealousy is Stagnant

If you find that you have someone on the team who is jealous of you, note them. Stick to the script of work. Do not engage them past the basics.  If you do you actually feed and fuel them further.  Be careful.  They will “sit” on you and stall your performance.  They will try to outwork you.  They will delay giving you what you need to finish a project.  Be prepared to work smarter around them as they work harder to bring you down.

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Photo by Alexander Dummer on Pexels.com

Block

One thing that a jealous person or anybody else for that matter can’t do is block your blessings.  Even if they temporary think that they got you it won’t last.  The one thing you should always do in life when at work is be vigilant, on time, and be that star employee.  It doesn’t matter if others think you are doing it for a reason.  Since when did excellence become an issue? If it highlights something they aren’t doing they need to step up their game, not you step down to mediocrity.

Do not let others who people’s jealousy of you frustrate you to the point where you stop being who you need to be.

Side Nugget: if you are always late, never getting things done, and not dependable please stop saying folks are hating on you.  They are not.  They see you as the weakest link and therefore expendable.  Trust me they are waiting for management to get rid of you.  Step your game up.  Its frustrating when folks think that others are hating on them when their negative attributes are just sticking out like a neon light.  It’s not hate, its wish.  Its wish you would get it together, wish you would do your job, or wish you would be fired.

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Photo by nappy on Pexels.com

Happy Monday and lets all step it up either in front of the jealous ones or just in general!

 

 

Monday Inspiration: The Protection of No

Happy Monday to you.  Today I want to talk about the pain that comes along with NO.  Like children when we hear no we may experience a plethora of feelings.  From being disappointed, to hurt, to anger.  What you wanted and where you are in that journey makes your NO levels different.

If you were in what you thought was a loving relationship and you felt the next step was marriage only to find out that the person you held so dear to you is a fake, that NO that he failed you and the pain of starting all over again can be devastating. What about the pain in the NO when you are job searching?  Job searching is a numbers game at times.  You may hear several NOs in your lifetime where that is concerned.  Trust me.  When I got laid off of my job in 2010 right after having my premature daughter I was devastated.  I was thinking what in the world am I going to do?  I moved to Philadelphia and found out I was pregnant again.  Out of my element and new to a city I decided to take some time off and do the stay at home mom thing.  It was harder than I anticipated.  The time I decided to go back to work, I heard so many NOs my heart actually hurt.  I felt like I would be at home forever.  No after NO after NO began to chip at my spirit.  I am human I thought I have a college degree and experience why is this happening.  But it did.

During those difficult times of hearing NO and the mix emotions I felt, I got stronger.  I felt like I was taken a thousand steps back but I got stronger. I got a job and then began to progress to where I am now but the story wasn’t an easy one.  I have had moments where I second guessed myself. I cried.  I cursed from being so angry. I was miserable. I had to get it together.  So if you woke up and all you can do is hold onto the pain of NO, I get that.  Hear me clearly, when you let it go and walk with the sting of the pain and move forward you may not get that YES the same day, but you will if you don’t quit. At the very moment of quitting you will get a YES.  Put the work in.  Take moments along the journey of NO to renew your mind.  You may have to do this daily.  Whatever it takes, don’t faint and don’t quit.  There is protection in NO.  NO means something else is out there for you.  No means that the journey you paved for yourself wasn’t the journey YOU needed to be your best self.  Shocking how we think we know everything we need until life throws something our way to prove that we don’t.  Strive for excellence.  You can walk through the pain without the pain knocking your will to live out of you.  The protection is making sure you don’t walk further in pain.  There are people in places God never intended because instead of listening to the NO and letting it protect them, they let their personal desires walk them willingly into some mess and now they are miserable.  They shouldn’t be in that place and they know it.  Sometimes that stubborn will have you walking in circles.  When things don’t work out there is a reason.  If you are running late to a place, there is reason.  It’s protection.  Yes its frustrating but you don’t know what you are about to walk in.  Trust the process.  Have faith and walk in the sting of the pain don’t let the pain of NO overtake you.

Action Do Something

So let me just say that I have about had all I can take but I know that is not true because as time goes especially in the next day or so the complaints are going to take off.  I am referring to the swearing-in of Donald Trump, which artists or celebrities will be in attendance and even those who aren’t.  This is about the family and friends that are about to go into social media war…. Do Something!

Yes I said it.  There.  There will be countless of those who will have just about every complaint in the world but that will be where it stops.  You don’t like one of your celebrities or artist who is performing or going, than have an action plan.  One of the best ways is to stop following them on social media.  It’s like the Kardashian affect, people say they hate them but they have over 1 million followers a piece.  Yes some folks just follow to get the tea to someone’s life but you aren’t getting how that makes you the person look. You are literally watching a person you wouldn’t even otherwise care for and you aren’t even benefitting from it.  That is a sad part of life.  We ALL have better things to do than to allow the cycle to continue.  Although the media sometimes controls the images that are out, you personally can control what you take in.  I followed Chrisette Michelle an artist that has agreed to attend and sing at Donald Trump inauguration celebration.  Now whether or not I agree with her reasons or not, I sat and watched all the comments made and thought to myself, we have the power to evoke change.  The best way is in the pockets of any artist, socialite, etc.  They thrive on media interaction, and financial backings of their product.  It doesn’t just apply to this now political storm that has been brewing for quite some time now either.  This is a principle.

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If you have people in your own personal life that you don’t deal with don’t just block them on social media but block their access to your spirit and life.  I have done this and trust me the peace to just live and not worry about the foolishness is priceless. So before you go gangster social media arguing, just end it and cut you out of it.  I had a disagreement with a family member.  I found myself getting all upset and going back and forth via social media than I thought, what is the point?   Just stop it now and deal with them on a personal level if you need to and move on.  Or not and just keep on pushing.  We give our energy to do many things and wonder why we are zapped out.  Even in your emails, you can unsubscribe correct?  Unsubscribe in real life.  There is no need to have things and people pulling on you to the point where you are up in arms.  Will Donald Trump being in office cause issues even for those who supported him?  I am sure it will. Learn to deal with what is for you and leave the rest.  If you are going to make a stand I say go for it but do it with more leg work and action and a lot less mouth.  We need a world of doers and not just good ideas alone. Protect your spirit and especially if you are a parent or help in the parenting of your children.

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Evaluate my life when I feel in Shambles…

Self evaluation of your life should happen often.  How often is up to you.  For me I always have a plan so I may look at things weekly if not daily.  It’s not that I am attempting to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder.  For me it’s always keeping things fresh and always working toward my goal.

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Today is national evaluate your life.  So no doubt many will take the time to think about what they are doing and need to do and haven’t done.  Let me say before you cue in the sad choir, that evaluation can take a lot of mental stimulation.  I know there have been plenty of times in my life where I would evaluate my life than I would go into a deep depression. All I could see was the negative things.  It was a slap in the face of what my potential was and what was actually happening.  I would in my mind want to find the ugliest of clothes and just walk around with nappy hair and sadness.  However in the real world while I was in my pity party, life was moving forward.

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I had to go to work for fear of not paying my bills and the fear of having to come home and say to my parents I couldn’t cut it. So even at my most lowest moment when even Ramen noodles seemed like Red Lobster, I had to keep going.  So how do you pick up the pieces of a shattered life or the life that was meant to be but still hasn’t shown up to greet you?

  1. Make bigger tasks smaller.  You have a plan of what you want.  Always know what it will take to make that plan pop and then find ways to make that happen daily.  If you aren’t doing one thing daily towards your goals you are already losing.  Small goals give you a mental relief until the main goal is achieved.
  2. Give yourself a break.  It is true that those who hustle hard win.  However even in hustling there are days when you are burnt out.  You have to find some time to be gentle to yourself.  You will beat yourself up harder than a fight in the boxing ring.
  3. Know that failure is when you stop not when you get knocked down.  If your goal is to workout 3 days a week and you only made it to 2 days, be grateful and try again.  If you allow your mind to have its way next thing you know you are back to no workouts at all.
  4. Focus man.  Yes that’s for the ladies too.  So many times you focus on what others got, what others are doing, etc and you are losing because you keep comparing.  It’s great to find someone who is at a place you want to be. But let’s keep it real you spend more time comparing yourself to people you never want to be like just because they seem to be temporarily prospering right now. All gain ain’t good gain.  Focus on you.
  5. Learn to find an activity that reduces stress. Let me just say that its hard to do that if you are seconds from losing it all. However its important.  I know plenty who are on their seemingly last leg but they ran, walked, journal, listen to music, etc something to keep their wits about them.  Most of the issues we face in our life has to do with her mind. If you can change your mind and how your mind has you seeing the things around you, half the time you can make more happen for yourself.

So today while you are evaluating all that life has thrown and feel like you too are being thrown, take a few steps back.  Do NOT quit.  Quitting is the biggest result of failure.  You could fall a thousand times before reaching your goal and have others consider you as a failure but when you believe it and allow it to happen you have failed yourself.  I know plenty especially in the relationship category could use this nugget.  They date a few frogs and meanwhile their friends are married, engaged, and having babies, so they immediately they cry when is it their time?  One re-evaluate yourself from the inside out.  We spend a ton of time and money on the outside and very little on the inside. Then we wonder why we attract what we attract. If you won’t date you than no one else will.

Take some time to get a plan and work your own plan.  You can’t simply say I want to move out of my family member’s house but didn’t include a savings plan, haven’t looked at your real budget and not your wish I could budget. You have to do all of those things and more. Step out and work your plan.  Be strategic.  I mean winging it hasn’t served you so get more of a definitive plan in motion.

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I have shared this before but let me say it again if you want to win you will.  I watched my mother who had my twin and baby brother and I as she walked us to the sitter.  She then walked to work and then back to the sitter and then we got the bus  home.  If the bus was late we walked.  We did whatever was necessary.  I also remember being in a homeless shelter for women and kids and thinking to myself how lucky I was.  I didn’t know that we were living below our means.  I had no idea that this wasn’t okay.  My mom never allowed us to believe that.  She never allowed us to be ashamed.  She took on that shame.  So now when I see bratty kids or even worst bratty adults who complain I just smile.  I know how to live and make things work when things were at nothing.  Some people around you have no idea of the things you been through that will get you to your destiny.  I am grateful for being on welfare as a child.  I don’t take for granted. Although I don’t have that in my pathway now, I never will get too big to remember those low days.  I remember when I had done some of the worst things in my life and knowing that at the time I didn’t see a way out and everyone was talking and saying I am this and that and how even with all of that I just kept on and keep on going.  The times you had or will have is preparing you for what is to come.  I don’t allow my very blessed children to take for granted what they have.  I make sure that they give back constantly.  Trust me it’s apart of the bigger picture of their life.

While re-evaluating things today, write some things down.  Don’t just keep it in your head.  Ask questions to the right folks that can help you get to where you want to be. Sometimes the life you think you want isn’t even the life you are supposed to have.  Stop forcing a square into a circle hole.  Sit quiet and know that the plan you are forcing may not be working for you for a reason.