Ask Toi: What should I do if someone from my past or new love interest knocks and I’m already connected?!

If you’re already connected and the interested person doesn’t know you need to tell them. If they know but still pushing up than know they just like the chase and want to see if you will take the bait.

As an adult it’s your choice who you are with period. This means even if you just want a one night or one time physical relationship as an adult it’s up to you. Not everyone wants a commitment but be true to yourself. Don’t say you don’t want a commitment in hopes that you can later change a person’s mind. 

If you are already connected either by dating or marriage than you know that the answer is a no for now. With that being said it’s best to thank the person for the interest and move along. In a dating situation boundaries need to be made. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t have anything to entertain another person.  If you’re married the boundary was made on your wedding day and you end it. 

The past is the past. It can be a beautiful reminder of what was but it takes a lot to dig the past up, revive it and make it work. Ask anyone including me how much work it takes to date someone from your past.  It’s not super easy.  It’s never a good idea to open the door to a past or new interest because if you do it says more about you than the person knocking. People don’t realize that a person who will cheat or entertain someone else but expect loyalty from the person they were originally connected to shows they have NO loyalty at all. You want what you can’t or won’t give. This goes for men and women. So if you’re connected say thanks, nice talking to you, and seal the door of communication. 

Let me guess you can handle it right? Wrong. You start catching up. Then you exchange emails at first, then phone numbers, than social media and now you can’t get this person off your mind.  You absolutely not giving the person you were connected to any of your valuable time because your sharing space with someone else. Now if your just dating and no commitment with anyone than that’s your right. However don’t mess over another individual while taking space with another while connected or committed to a person. You might lose on both relationships. 

The Dirty Mirror

Well good morning.  We are all coming off from either a good Mother’s Day or one we would not rather talk about. It is evident in the posts I saw on social media. However let’s shift our gears a bit to relationships this morning.

You ever found yourself admiring another couple?  You love how they love on each other.  Love is supposed to be inspiring.  However inspiration is only a small part in life. I have found myself really admiring a couple to the point where you forget that people are human and just like you are working stuff out on your end they are too.  So here is the dilemma. How much can you take in for face value?  How much of what appears to come from someone or a relationship can we take as the real?  Up to this point I thought I had the whole premise of admiring from afar down pact but I found out that I may not.

So here I go my emotions all over the place in what I thought another couple was showing me.  So here’s today’s nugget, the grass is never greener on the other side.  Yes water your own but stop looking at the grass altogether.  I have to admit often times when you are looking at someone else, what others have, what you don’t have is because of your own insecurities.  How many times had I argued with my husband on what he doesn’t do when in reality I could do it myself.  Not on the level of I don’t need him but doing it for myself to show what I needed from him or anyone to be honest.  People treat you the way you treat you.  So during this new focus on myself I have changed that about me.  I am not looking at what someone can do for me.  I am not looking at other couple and picking at the parts that I like about them because their struggle to get to what I think I see may be flawed.  That is the lesson that I learned over the weekend.

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I have asked myself before I got married what I wanted.  However I never really explored the actual question past fantasy and whimsical things.  The things that I had set up in my head never went as planned.  Nothing has gone as planned.  I could use that as an out and say well it wasn’t meant to be and there is someone else for me.  The reality is no one knows if there is someone else out there for me.  I am not looking let’s be clear.  I am not taking applications.  I am simply noticing that if I treat my mate the way I want to be treated that if he doesn’t treat me in the same high regard than that alone will be what I will use to determine any changes in my marital status and not because he isn’t doing what another man is doing for his wife for me.  That other man can be showing the world all this love and literally could be going through hell behind the scenes.  Same with the woman.  I am learning to have my own expectations.  I am finding out what I do like and what I don’t like.  How about I am doing all this NOW.  This is something I encourage the ones that are not married to do while single.  This is dangerous to do while married but its better to do than to keep going and lying to yourself.  I am not suggesting that while I am doing this, I am finding that my husband is not measuring up. Right now he and I are fine. We are stronger actually than we have ever been and that speaks volumes.  This is about me.  However some other couples can go through this and find that they are no longer suitable.  Please single people figure this out before you get married.  This will save you some time.

What happens if I get to the end of this and find out that my husband and I don’t mesh, I don’t need to worry about that right now.  I believe we will be fine.  We will be fine because this is an important part of maturity. I would hate to have been such a nag, and prolong this out without knowing myself.  Relationships will change. I used to be upset at the thought but they are supposed to change.  I am not the same as I was when we got married almost 5 years ago and 3 children in.  I am different.  I am expected to change. The work gets harder in love.  Love and lovey dovey feelings aren’t the glue to hold it together. It’s about knowing yourself and working things out inwardly.  It requires faith to believe that love is meant to be.  It’s being okay and not falling apart just because it may not. I am not overly concerned about getting to the end so I can feel as if we are okay.  We are okay and that is all that matters.

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So for the other couples that are finding themselves in this wave, ride it out.  Through the ups and down you will find out that the person you looked starry-eyed at will be there and maybe they won’t.  If you are really doing the work on yourself you will find that if things do end it can be amicable and you can move on without carrying the weight of the what ifs.  You will know in your heart that you loved hard and did what you needed to do.  I am not scared in this process.  Oh and for those looking for cracks in my marriage, there are none. My husband and I talk about this more now than ever before.  I am not looking to get out, this is just how it needs to be.  Is it uncomfortable? In the beginning it was because I kept thinking the worst was going to happen. Not that we were or are going to divorce.  Divorce wasn’t the issue, being miserable in my own skin was. Not because I was unloved but because I needed to set my personal parameter on what respect, love, etc looked like for me.  I thought no one can go through this shift and survive it.  No one can began to question marriage and still be okay.  However life is what it is.  Questioning is not an issue, doing nothing and simply existing is the issue.  I needed to take charge of my love life and I am.  I have had moments where I wanted to talk to my friends about it but I choose not simply because there wasn’t any advice they can give me.  Even my married friends this wasn’t about getting everyone’s opinion. This was about my voice, my issues, handling this OUR way.

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For any couple in this shift, it’s okay. Every fear you have someone else has had.  For every question you ask, someone has asked those same questions.  You can love someone to infinity and beyond, but you have to be able to know you are giving that same love to yourself.  This will either propel your husband or wife to do the same or show you that they aren’t and never was.  Could I honestly say that my husband was doing all he can if I wasn’t?  No and there was the issue it started with me not him.  I don’t have all of the answers but I love that I have someone who sees the shift, embraces the shift, and we are doing our work together and although it seems as if it may being done separately it’s not.

Why I am not being nice to Side Chicks

Today is side chick appreciation day.  This is the day when the memes come out hard.  I heard someone say that we should be nice to a side chick and this is my response to that, hell naw I won’t.  I know that came a bit left but that is my real life rated G version of my response.  Why should anyone feel sorry for a side chick.  Often times side chicks can be side blinded.  The men who side line a side chick really are a piece of work. This means that not only do you not respect your wife or girl but you don’t respect the one you messing with to come correct and at best tell them they are a side chick.

Now the issue with the side chick first let me deal with the man first than I will bring this thing back to full circle.  You have NO game.  Its sad but the reality is that some side chicks will play their “part.”  Yes you can find a raggedy woman who is patiently waiting on the sidelines for any love before she turns up with no love.  This I will address when I swing almost literally to the side chick herself.  If you as a man really had it like that you could tell that side chick that she’s a side chick and she may go for the okie doke.  But often times that side chick is lied to just as much as the lie the man is keeping with his committed girlfriend and wife.  Um let me just say you don’t have enough dick or money to entertain one woman let alone more than one.  Straight like that, no chasers today.  I am not coming from a bitter been burnt by side chick games either but the truth is the truth. So while you may get away with the game of hurting the one you are with you will find out sometimes when it’s too late that it’s not worth it.

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The chances of your woman taking you back is slim or at least it should be.  Ladies I know some men go to counseling and attempt to do better but you better be 1000% sure you can handle that.  The amount of distrust that is done after someone cheats is unimaginable.  If you are the type that brings that back up a million times, you would be better off leaving that cheating man and sending him a clear message that this type of behavior is not acceptable with you than to stay and drag yourself and him through it.  If one of you should go through the ringer shouldn’t it be the one who committed the offense?

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Now to the actual side chick or side dude especially the ones who know.  Why?  Like legitimately why? There isn’t another man who isn’t already connected?  This one that appears like a good catch is the one?  What makes him or her a good catch?  Cheating is a turn on?  He or she won’t do that to you right?  Like for real, what is your motivation.  You are dipping yourself sometimes literally in the same pot.  That doesn’t seem sexy to me. So the nights like Valentine’s Day when a man or woman can’t make a viable excuse for not being home, what do you do?  Hold your pillow tight?  Look at your gifts he had to send to you because he’s not there loving you.  Let me guess, you think he’s not with his wife or her husband?  I know that’s what they told you.  How come he or she hasn’t left their wife or husband?  Your stuff not bomb enough to make him roll?  Oh yeah the kids, yeah that’s called an excuse.  No one should ever stay for the kids.

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Listen if being second to the main is good for you, than you will never have much.  No one cares about your place.  You have none.  Once that wife and husband finds out trust me they are going to make your side boo’s life hell.  Once that happens the spark you once saw won’t be as strong as you think.  They the wife and husband and your boo will blame you. This isn’t anything new that you haven’t heard its just time out for being the sloppy second to another woman or man’s main.  Let people figure their relationships out without being the one sliding in between them.

So not I don’t sorry for a side piece today.  You get what you deserve.

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How to Have the Best New Year’s Eve…

First of all this is one busy night.  There are a lot of preparations to make it perfect, but let’s keep it real there’s no such thing as perfect.  You have to set aside what goals are most important to you.  They say how you bring in the New Year is super important and it is.

Here are some of the ways you can bring in the New Year:

For Couples:

It’s important to attempt to spend it together.  Yes some people have to work and that is totally understandable.  However if you are a couple there are a million ways to spend it. You can go to a hot party and get all dolled up.  This would require that you and your partner book ahead of time.  Going out on New Years means having a party plan.  Will you use a taxi, Uber, Lyft?  What are the prices?  Everything is super expensive on that night. Do you even want to go out and deal with other party goers?  Decide early because after Christmas if most clubs and establishments haven’t already posted prices they definitely will.  Remember anything where you can pre-pay ahead of time is better.  At the door the price will usually go up from $20 to 100 per person.  Ouch.  So plan ahead.

If you and your boo do NOT want to go out, opt hosting a party get together.  You can do this by having other couples come and share in the purchase of food and drinks.  This will cut cost down dramatically.  You can have a great night in.  You can do things like play games, watch movies, whatever you want to do.  It’s all your choice.  This is a great option for a laid back night with others.

If you say Toi, I really just want a quiet evening, than do that.  I know couples who dress up and cook a meal together.  This can turn into something if you want it to trust me. Nothing is sexier than your partner in the kitchen.  Make a meal that you both can try that you wouldn’t have normally tried before.  This way its something out of the ordinary than your normal pasta dish at home watching tv.  You can do a vision board together as a couple as well as an individual.  You can play games and make it fun.  Spice it up.  You can just spend some quality time with the one you love as you bring in another year.

For Singles:

You can do the same thing as above as far as going out but make it a great group effort. You aren’t the only single one in the whole world no matter how much your mind tells you. Get together and reconnect with friends that you may not have been able to catch up with during Christmas.  This is a great time to travel.  Some of my friends are out of the state so if I was single you could travel to their state or pick a new destination altogether. The same rules apply, have fun and be safe.  If you want you can have the ultimate girls night.  There are a million and one ways to have a group of women come together and have a great time. You can pick a theme.  It doesn’t have to be just the New Year.  You can have a makeover night.  Everyone brings make up, wear cute pajamas, etc. The sky is the limit. Be open-minded.

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Travel

Like I said I remember hitting Miami up one year.  I had the BEST time with my girlfriends. We went to a great club that had open bar for a price and food.  We danced so much I can’t tell you how bad my feet hurt.  However when I look back at the pictures I smile.  We really had a great time and even walked a little on the beach.   You’re single not dead.  Enjoy life. There is so much to experience that is beyond your backyard.  Now that I am married a few of my single friends have even gone out of the country.  Imagine that.  If you have a passport, isn’t it time for some new stamps?

For Parents:

My husband and I have been parents for 7 years and the ONLY time we have had a night out for New Years has been this past year.  We ended up going to Chickie and Pete’s.  We had no immediate plans.  We made none.  We decided to just get dressed up and head out. As we went to a few places, we noticed how super crowded and how limited space was open to be out.  So I did what any woman would do, I goggled.  I found that Chickie and Pete’s had a special for a flat rate you could eat and drink top shelf liquor all night. I said let’s give it a try.  Let me tell you, it was worth every penny.  Not only was the crowd hype, there was dancing, our own table, and did I mention all you can eat and drink on food we knew would be good?  Yes we had hit the jackpot.  It’s hard to get a sitter and last year we lucked up.  So what do you do when you have no sitter and you have little people?  You make your own party. I have always done a party at home.  I had adult drinks and kiddie mock drinks, New Year’s gear, and we had a full party.  Dancing, music, the countdown all of that. Guess what it was low-key, loads of fun, and I didn’t stress bed time either.  I let them stay up until they fell out.  It was a great time.  Oh and my kids can hang.  They loved every bit of it.

Another option for parents is to invite other parents that are in the same boat.  You can have a kid and parent party.  This is a good idea for parents who want to interact with others but can’t find a sitter.  Everyone can come together and split food and drinks. Everyone can have a great time in a safe location.  Parents can interact with other adults and the kids can get some time out as well.  Trust me the ride home will be quiet, your little ones will be knocked out no matter how late or early you go out.  Also during the day on New Years places like aquariums etc will have specials for the little people and a special count down too. This way if you are venturing out you can tire them out before you go and have some fun too.  Check prices and get tickets early as well.

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New Year’s night can be as much fun as you want it to be.  You have to be willing to step it up no matter what your status in life is.  Yes I didn’t mention church, but you didn’t think this fellow PK (preacher’s kid) would forget.  Yes watch tower or midnight services are fun too.  It does depend on where you go.  I am sorry church folks but you can make New Years fun.  Yes have a good message, preach, have choirs but have some fun too.  Nothing is worst is dragging your family out in the cold to church and having them wanting to gnaw their arms off because the service is no different from any other day.  It’s a fun night of celebration.  Just because you in the church you don’t have to cut the fun out. Incorporate something into the service. Have food.  Do something out of the box and bring folks into the church.

I do not have my plans set yet.  Whatever I do it will be fun.  Whether that’s out and about, a night at home, with friends I will have the same joy of beginning the New Year as I have always have even if I have to create it.  That should be a part of your new goals.  Creating happiness in your circle. Trust me the situations I was in I should have been sad but I turned them around and made the best of it and so can you.  Enjoy the New Year celebration as well as make your own mark going into 2017.

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Bling and Foundations

As you know the holidays are a magical time.  Everyone is buzzing around and being in the best moods for the most part.  Gifts are getting purchased and wrapped.  Egg nog is being enjoyed.  This is also the time that as we go into the New Year couples who are dating and not yet engaged get antsy.

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Now I have blogged several times about ultimatums.  I hear many women tell their friends how they are not going into the New Year being nobody’s girlfriend.  Either the man they are with needs to propose or else they are out.  What usually happens is he doesn’t and they don’t leave and it’s really about you the woman who wants to be engaged to set the tone.  Now how you set the tone is not to give the man an ultimatum but give yourself on. Set your own date within yourself and be prepared to stick with it.  If you can’t honor yourself and what you will or won’t tolerate how can you expect someone else to do the same?

Foundation Cracks

Now as much as you want him to “put a ring on it ” consider a few things.  Does this man have his own place?  Like not a spot in a basement somewhere but a place where if you two were to marry you and him can lodge together?  If not what is his plan?  When I say plan it can’t start off with one day, I would like but there hasn’t been any action like a savings plan, etc.  He has to be able to be a provider not just get a nice ring.  So the question you need to first ask yourself is why do you want to be entangled with a man with no active plan.  You can’t sex your way through a marriage when its time to pay bills or eat. Speaking of bills, how do you pay them? I know with money but are you on time?  What is on your credit report?  If its bad are you working with an organization to rebuild it.  What is the man you want doing about his bills?  Do either of you save?  Do you have a nest egg saved that if one of you lose a job you have a back up plan?  Let’s be real there many people who marry who don’t have this in place but that doesn’t mean its right.  Get clear the foundation you want to build. Is that foundation strong.  If there are cracks than one or both of you have work to do.  So an ultimatum is not necessary, you aren’t ready.  Contrary to popular belief my husband had a spread sheet plan which means he had numbers and what he needed in place and as our life took shifts he shifted the numbers around and he still does.  He has taught me a lot but that’s one of his strengths that I was aware of before we married.  He also knew of anything financial that I had whether good or bad and we devised a plan together to make it stronger.  He nor I ran away from these important conversations.  Please make sure you do the same.

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Ring Wars

Yes women actually compare themselves to one another.  Oh the shock.  So when the time is right for you and your man to talk about rings be clear.  Every big rock doesn’t mean stable marriage.  Every little rock stays strong for 20 years or more either.  Ring size and choice have so many dimensions.  There are women walking around with rings looking like mountains but if you know your diamonds you can see that the actual diamond is cloudy. Get to know rings.  Don’t just leave the knowledge up to that man.  If you are the type that would have an issue with a certain size than speak up but beware that your man may not take too kindly to it.  Rings are supposed to be tokens of his love and what he can afford, what he saved, etc.  Do NOT try to get what your best friend has.  My best friend and I are both married but my ring has a story of its own and was made by my husband to the likes he knew I would like.  Her ring has her own story.  The stories do not need to match.  Your friend and your marriage will  not be the same so stop the comparison game now.

New Year, No more the Girlfriend

If your due date for that ring is Christmas, than what happens?  Are you prepared to leave this man the day of or the day after?  I would really take to heart what I said about the foundation of your relationship and more importantly yourself.  Where have you traveled to?  Do you have a passport?  Do you have a business action in plan for a business venture you have been trying to get off the ground?  What does your personal empire look like? Have you completed school?  These dreams need to be either in motion or completed. Marriage is not the end all be all.  Your title or new last name is not the only thing you need in life.  You need a life goal and to be able to have a life that can be joined to someone else as well as a life that you can have even after you married.  How many wives stop working out who were super active before?  How many were in school than stopped?  We all get in ruts but you must have the mindset to continue to grow as a person while you grow as a couple.  Life is about balance.  You can’t tip the marital scale and then fail in your work or personal life.

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Listen relationships are gray.  There is no cookie cutter pattern that you can model and then have a “perfect” relationship.  What I think is too long may not fit your time line. However make decisions on ultimatums be about what you want, what you will settle for or put up with.  No one has to live with your decisions but you.  As much as you love who you are with be sure that the love and effort matches on all sides.  There is no need to have wasted years with someone in your gut and actions says they aren’t on the same page as you.  With a few days left in the holiday season take some time out with YOU and figure out what you want than you can see if the boo you have been loving on all year-long and beyond is capable of giving you the love you deserve.

“My married friends are worst than my single ones…”

I want to knock on wood, pray to baby Jesus the Black and the White one, go in a trance that I never have to know the betrayal of a husband in the form of another woman having my husband’s baby.  We have planned not to have any more children.  By we I mean I made the decision and my husband supported it.  I don’t know what would have happened if we weren’t on the same page.  For me it came down to the lack of wanting to go through the newborn phase, being pregnant in the first place and my health.

Cheating is not an option to me in marriage let alone a baby.  I feel like everyone has a right to their list of what they will or will not tolerate and for me cheating is a deal breaker.  I think you end up pouring salt in the open wound if by cheating whether male or female and a baby is formed from that sexual bond.  I can’t even begin to explain the level of disrespect and how that would send me into a fit.  Have I been cheated on before? Yes. Am I with the man who cheated?  No.  It is just not tolerable for me.  I keep seeing stories on television, and in real life of this happening.  Let’s keep it real, men and women been cheating since Jesus was a baby.  I try my best not to judge as I don’t really know what I would do if I was in the same situation.  Can people change? Absolutely they can if THEY want to.  I watched a woman go off on a man who fathered a child outside of their union. The way she was giving him the business I had to remember that it wasn’t my issue because I was on the low feeling some type of way. The type where I had to put down my own pitch fork and not attack my own husband on sight for another man’s discretion.  The hurt in her eyes and voice was enough to break me and I am not even in a relationship with the woman.

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How can a man or woman who sees this devastation continue the pattern of hurt and abuse.  I know the answer is hurt people hurt people but the reality is we have to call a spade a spade.  People once they see you will tolerate certain bad behaviors will continue to do the same as they have always done.  A baby is nothing to play games with.  Think about the couple who has been trying and then that man or woman goes and gets pregnant or impregnate another woman leaving the one in the relationship feeling hurt and empty. A baby is a lifetime bill, and lifetime responsibility.  I can’t say even with all of my knowledge I  would be able to just blend another family to mine like that?  Call me Petty Wap because I just can’t see it. Babies cost money so that means that the child fathered or mothered outside of the marriage or relationship is taking away from the central home. It’s never the child’s fault. However I have heard people jump on others for not willing to accept the child and go on like it’s all good.  Some can’t get over it to the point where they function as a unit and just simply move on.  I think every situation is different.  I mean in times where this even comes up in the back of my mind I hear whoop ass.  I would hear divorce papers.  I would hear taking the kids and rolling.  I mean you can’t tell me you wouldn’t think of at least one of those scenarios.  Its human nature.

Why do we tend to forget that especially ladies?  We judge harshly if a woman stays but often times we are dealing with our own issues and stay even when things don’t look or sound right in our own situations.  How do we forget that?  Love is simple but the repercussions of taking and engaging in love aren’t always so black and white.  When you love you take on some gray from time to time.  This is not an argument to just take whatever is dished.  I think we all have our breaking points and at some point we end things.  It may take a few frogs to get there.   For my ladies as much as we want to blame the other “heifer” remember there were two people involved.  If you are married the one to go after is your husband.  You have no idea what lies were told to her to get her in the bed.  Men will say things like I am leaving my wife. Ladies, its cheaper to keep her always remember that.  Most men aren’t going to elect to break up their home for a side piece. They just wanted to know if they still got it and for most men ain’t nothing better than some new……

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Yeah i am trying to spare the church mothers who may read this the ending of that last line.  I am not saying that if you have a friend that betrayed you and slept with your man you wouldn’t feel a certain way.  However I am saying we give men passes and go straight for the woman involved.  Why give your man a pass?  Why? So he gets off free and only sustains a few silent treatments, arguments, and a few yelling matches, and he’s good?

Marriage is respectable.  I really would rather my husband divorce me to be with someone else than to cheat on me.  I really would.  Like hey come tell me you want out and let’s get you out than for me to find out that you out here making romantic getaways, bending some woman over in a car or some sleazy hotel or even in her home while I am at home with your kids.  I can say that for me because that’s how I would feel.  I am not the built-in sitter while you go and do your thing and leaving me with the possibility of a baby or even worst a STD.  Let me warn some of my men and women who play dumb. A condom is a barrier which is not 100%.  Let me repeat that, condoms will not protect all of your sexual organs.  I want to live a healthy life so if my husband put my life in jeopardy that’s the disrespect.

I was on a social media one day and a newly single friend of mine made the comment that his married friends were “worst” than his single friends while they were out.  I believe that. It makes me nervous because in love there’s always room for betrayal.  I am not suggesting they should go hand in hand but I do believe you open yourself up to that hurt by loving someone. Married men or women to be honest feel the need to fight to be free. Why not just get out?  Oh yeah you don’t want to pay to play. You don’t want to figure out child visitation schedules.  You don’t want to have your family ripped up because your clit got hot or your penis got stimulated.  Interesting.  You would rather roll the dice and hope the love of your life is just one of the ones willing to play Russian Roulette with you?

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Let me speak on reconciliation.  Even though cheating is my deal breaker it doesn’t mean that I don’t have 5 seconds belief that people can work hard from the point of divorce and make it work.  It can happen.  Trust me it can.  However that is a lot of work. Most people will not be willing to do the work.  I spoke to a friend who I won’t mention by name but she told me that her husband cheated.  She said that in the beginning, he was all in.  They were in counseling.  He took the lock off his phone. He wined and dined her.  He brought her gifts.  Then when he felt like he had paid his debt and she should be over it, he went back to the same things that lead to the infidelity in the first place.  He no longer opened up in counseling.  He locked his phone tighter than a national bank.  He began taking calls on his cell away from her.  He went back out and coming home at 6am with no calls as to his whereabouts.  If you cheated on someone if you really mean to change you keep the change.  You don’t get to put an expiration on it.  If you do it only shows you were attempting to give a band-aid instead of the necessary surgery to provide real healing. She said it was at that moment that she filed for divorce and let it stick.  He came back with the same tactics when she filed.  He wanted to be a better man. However better wasn’t in him. You can’t get what’s not in a person to give.  Every actor has to lay their part done.  He laid his down and she left.

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IF you are a cheater and haven’ been caught please understand the old saying, nothing hidden that won’t be revealed.  It simply means what’s done in the dark will come to the light.  If you think you are above slipping you are sadly mistaken.  When you get caught if you know you have no intentions on changing with real change than say that and give that man or woman who so they can then do what is best for them.  Do not bring your mate on a journey wasting yours and their time when you know you still want to do your dirt.  Do your dirt and figure out a way to be a family under the new terms of a separate house.  If you cheat it’s not meant for you to live harmonsly like nothing happened.  You have to suffer.  For every action there is a reaction.  You can’t be looking for a loving response after that.  Both spouses need to be willing to work.  If you say you forgive but you still bring it up than you haven’t forgiven.  Let me break one thing down on the forgiveness talk, if you are the one who cheated and you are still doing questionable actions than YOU can’t use the whole forgive me response when you know you still acting suspect.  Align your actions to be honorable that way when it comes up you have an answer that is satisfactory.  You can’t still creep and tell your mate stop treating me like I cheated but your actions say you are cheating.  Accept that.  Stop trying to win the fight when you already lost the war.  Do better and knock it off or decide to part ways and then find someone if you can find them who will be okay with you having more than one sexual partner.  That is key.  You can’t just find someone who is okay with you being newly single and not committed.  They have to understand that you intend to be in other sexual relationships and be okay with it too.

Ask Toi: What is the Worst Part about being Married?

Well let me put some thought into that question.  Marriage is beautiful but since I stay on the keep it real train, I have to say there are some drawbacks.  A lot of women can’t wait to be married.  They have no idea that it’s work.  They have no idea that often times it can distract you from what you want to do.  The days of just getting up if you remove the kids from the equation and just doing my own thing don’t fully exist. I miss the days where I didn’t have to have a plan.  I miss the carefree days of not having to wonder did I feed another person let alone myself.

Marriage makes you have to think of another person and their needs and how it will all fit in a larger setting. This isn’t something that I would want to exit my marriage for but it does make it hard when you want to do just do you and you can’t.  I don’t have a worst part but I can highlight some of the challenges we faced during our marriage that we have overcome.  One of those challenges was in the beginning we lived with his mom to do a 5 year plan to pay off bills.  In one regard it benefitted us financially to save and pay bills. The draw back was that we were in someone else’s home.  It didn’t mentally or emotionally work out in our favor.  I know now that I am unwilling to live with another person outside of my husband and kids.  The mental anguish that it gave was too much and in order for us to stay married that’s how it has to be.  Again others have done the same thing and have survived and have even liked it.  I have been an independent flower all my life. I watched my mom has us in shelters and from other folks’ home.  Once you get your own going backwards to someone else’s rules and the way they do things just doesn’t work for grown people.  Most people will act on the surface that it works but since people are people will always push their agendas.  The same happened and because of it, I now know that if we should be in the same situation it could be a breaking point for us.  I know that isn’t something to say but he and I are honest about that.  We won’t sugar coat it.  One thing I appreciate now that we are out is now my husband is more aware of my needs.  He is one to be sure that if I am even going into a challenge to check on me often.

Another challenge that I know I personally had in my marriage was not communicating well.  I think most couples go through it.  There are better days but some days are truly the type of days where you have to really push yourself to keep entering your home.  Its like having all this love for a person but still wanting to slap them and their parents at the same time for having to deal with whatever the issue has thrown.  I am sorry but that’s about as real as its going to get.  Everything in marriage ain’t lingerie and smiles.  There are times when fights occur.  You will have moments where you have to stop dishing the silent treatment and deal with things.  Those moments make you cry.  It can make you mad but it will produce growth.

Lastly the use of the word divorce.  We had moments when that was our reality.  I would caution all couples that are married or planning to be married to NEVER use that word unless you ready to sign that day.  Being mad is one thing, but being mad enough to threaten the word or the use of divorce is never a good thing.  We were headed for disaster. We had to come to the realization that the kids weren’t going to hold us together.  Either we were in or continue being out.  There was no middle.

I have nothing but love for my husband.  He is my college sweetheart.  The love is there but the knowledge that the work lining up with the love is more apparent.  I was one of those sugar cookie kids who got married and had all of this high hopes of what my first year would be. I imagined me leaving love notes all over the place.  I imagined myself just skipping off to the sunset.  I can’t say I didn’t leave  notes in that first year but I probably said more curse words than I had ever before too.  We fought and we fought hard.  I had moments when I thought I would have been better off with an ex.  He and I have talked about this so don’t act like you getting a fresh brew of tea.  You aren’t.  We are human and flawed but perfect for one another.  We have made it through things most people would have been packed up and left. Did I mention my suitcase of clothes for me and the kids that stayed in the car?  Yeah I found myself being a runner.  I run naturally but I found myself running for every little thing.  He came home late, I’m out.  He spent more time with his friends than me, I was out.  Any excuse would tip me over the edge.  I wasn’t ready and if you are like I was, you better count up the cost.

Please know that you can weather the storm through babies, depression, lost of jobs, etc. It will happen.  There’s no escape.  But if you love and truly have love for the woman or man of your dreams, you can do it.  Our motto is “its he and I against the world.”  We know that and live by that.    We had to learn that we were and are on the same team.  Instead of trying to win all the time and seeing the person as an enemy we had to change the mindset.  If you are married you know what I mean.  You know that moment that you ASSume everything.  You know what that usually leads to.  Assumption can lead to more martial strife than anything.  You think you know the person so well that you use what your mind has already told you about what “may” happen and then you go off on that.  I have had plenty of I thought you said arguments than a little bit.  Be clear on what your goals are.  If not than you will find yourself battling for days, weeks even months for something that wasn’t even to be.