Moments of Frustration Day

Today is Moments of Frustration Day. We all have gotten frustrated or upset over something. The key is to not allow this temporary moment allow you to make permanent decisions. This means in your frustration where you are more inclined to speak out of turn, practice the art of dealing with your issues before you spew things onto others. The fallout could be more than you wanted to take on.

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Let me give you an example, a husband and wife have situation where life throws a curveball.  They are upset and frustrated. Instead of being mad and finding a solution or taking a temporary step back, they say things to one another that damage each other. They do this so often that one or both may think it was no big deal. Little do they know that one of them has reached their breaking point. So now they aren’t interesting in reconciling as if nothing happened. They aren’t willing to move past the words this time and now their marriage is in a long-term mess. Our words have life and death attached to them.

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Moment of frustration can happen over anything. It doesn’t have to be a person. It could a circumstance as well. Do not allow yourself to take that leap into negativity where you find yourself unable to get out. I know life is hard. I have had too many times when things have happened where some of the issues were out of my control and some  were a direct correlation of what I had put out into the universe. End of day, how you respond to it matters. You can’t always make an excuse and hope for forgiveness when you speak out of context or out of character. You may not always get that back in return. You can attempt to take a mental time out. This may mean walking away and addressing something later on when you have had time to cool down. This is necessary at times. Remember when you were a kid for those who had time outs?  Those were times to teach you to cool off and think about the situation at hand. Adults need them too. You need to keep your cool and not do something that can cause mental, emotional, or physical harm to themselves or others around you. Think in the moments of frustration if you would be okay after you have calmed down with the outcome of your decision.  If no, then stop! Don’t keep talking. Don’t keep pushing. Don’t keep the same response that will dig you further and further into potential trouble.

If you find that in moments of frustration you have crossed the line, ask for forgiveness. Find ways to eliminate the crossing of the line to begin with. For instance if something is being said or done that is triggering me, I am more prone to ask for a few minutes. I am an arguer by nature. However some arguments and hitting below the belt I find is not worth the pain and the apologies later. So I work on what I need in those active moments.  I hope you can do the same.

 

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Counseling Days

I know I am going to say a few things that may come off of a few folks.  Whenever it rains it makes me pull out my journals.  I have been in counseling on and off for a few years. So when rainy days it takes me back to that moment. I believe in counseling by licensed counselor.  I am not all for folks running to everyone with their issues.  The reason is everyone don’t have the license and mindset to rightly divide where a person is.  So it’s not that you can’t run to a friend, or a pastor but you just got to be careful.  I do love licensed pastors because they can be a jewel to the community having the spiritual understanding with the licenses can be super helpful. So for some they get so upset the second you say don’t run to the pastors. I didn’t say don’t I said be careful. It could be from my level of hurt that I am openly saying I am still working through since my old pastor tried it.  I will say is some folks will talk to you and then have their message be your life on Sunday. Some folks like to do that prayer list conversation and reality your life becomes the tea of the week.  So be careful. People are messy individuals in real life no matter what their title!

In counseling I noticed that my days that I would go in was on rainy days.  It wasn’t that many sunny days. It really could just be that during those times I noticed the rainy days because of the down place that made me go there in the first place.  I can admit that made a lot of sense.  However today’s rain made me pull a few lessons for my current life. Not that life has totally went left, but emotionally I really want to respond to those around me in the proper way even when my petty, smart assed mouth yes I said smart assed mouth is ever-present.  I really struggle with balanced my life in those regards.  I really am sweet but if pushed or provoked or I just want to let loose, I can and will and I know deep down in my heart, that life will not bring me any good down the line.  So I dusted off a few techniques so I could find the place where I needed to be.

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I was asked  in my Facebook message what reasons have I gone to counseling a few weeks ago and I acted like I hadn’t seen the message, but I seen it. I have gone initially for postpartum.  So a few years ago after the birth of my son, moving from one city to another and being a stay at home mom of 2 under 2 my life was under pressure and after almost calling the police at my fiancé at the time, I called me a counselor who saw me stat.  Ever since then I have gone for various things. If I feel triggered about something in my childhood, issues within myself, or issues with motherhood or being a wife, I stroll right down.  My last session was almost 2 years ago with a counselor in person.  I also have done some pick me up sessions with a mobile counselor meaning I call them and they say hey Toi, what’s going on how can I help.  I prefer in person counseling but it is hard to do with working full-time, and being a wife and a mother that the mobile counselor is what I rely on.  Now I don’t call every time something gets on my nerves. I only call if I feel like I am overwhelmed and reaching out to strategic friends and family who are not the cause in my head of the trigger doesn’t help, I will call my mobile therapist.  They are wonderful. Always warm, and if they are judging you it’s in their head and not out their mouths. They give you real life tips and they have been helpful to and for me.

Now growing up the general message was that you don’t share your business. I now know that is wrong information. You have to be strategic in who you share. If I am not comfortable and for me I choose male or female depending on what’s going on.  So shout out to my counselors because altogether they have been super bomb. Let me encourage a few of you who have never gone but are super on edge on if you should go.  Consider asking your insurance who to go to so it’s covered.  Watch your coins. Sometimes it ain’t free and you need to know that.  You can get services through your job at times.  Even them free 6 sessions can be the difference between bail money, suicide, a fight, or a mental meltdown.  Trust me-no shame at all.  If you know of someone in your inner circle who is getting counseling unless they tell you to give that information out to others its imperative to shut your mouth and let people be great.  I had that happen the first year that I went and someone super close to me told others how I was in counseling and taking meds at a time where I wouldn’t have shared the information with anyone.  I hadn’t even told my momma and two its super personal and set me to trigger even more. But counseling is necessary for those who need it. I honestly think that everyone can benefit going at least once.  Even the super happy folks have things inside of them that need worked out.

Benefits of Therapy

  • Having a 3rd party call you out without having a personal relationship
  • Healing whether mental or emotional healing
  • Consistent sessions give you something positive to look forward

Pitfalls of Therapy

  • Opens other wounds as you process
  • Emotionally down for about an hour after session and having to recover
  • If not taken serious or stopping too soon can make things work, so commit

The pitfalls aren’t anything that is super detrimental but needed to be said.  You may go to counseling and think you will leave skipping and jumping and that may not be the case. I have left therapy mad more times before because of the assignments given after you leave make you think.  That is what the counseling is supposed to do.  So be aware that its work.  It’s not a great high time like the movies show you.

The other day I wrote about national family day and then this week I felt like just unblocking folks, and walking in full healing I just wanted to be sure that it was for the right reason. I called my counselor and letting him/her know about it.  She was so happy about it but the reality is I have been walking in but these last steps of speaking openly about my family was super good for me even if no one else felt what I was trying to say. Not to say that no one does because I love reading your comments as well as your emails about some of the issues you may have had in your own family.  That made me feel good knowing that I wasn’t the only one who had to be tried in that area.  Also today the rain allowed me to write.  It allowed me to share with my therapist about a few things that transpired and helped me to find ways to be a help to those around me and not give into things I know will trigger me.  Also I find that a lot of techniques I end up practicing on those around me even if they don’t know I am.  But the results is the only thing I am looking for. I am looking to be the right that I want or need in my life.  I really don’t want to be a hinderance to myself and especially the ones I live with. If I am walking around mad, pissed off, yelling, testy, what will that do for anyone?  No!  So although I am not perfect I am very grateful for balance and attempting to balance me in all areas.  I am really not working towards perfection.  That perfect life for me just doesn’t exist.  However if I can balance things better than that works for me.

Shout out to all of you who like me are a work in progress and rely on therapy or ever had it to make you whole!

Our hearts ache…

Good morning

I am still fine tuning some of the articles and women that we will show case this month. There are a few things we must talk about that kind of are back bones of us all male or female.  Our parents.  Yes the parents that you have and the atmosphere for how you were raised sets the forever tone of your existence.  Don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be what your environment says you are but those who break from it do it because they work hard. It’s not something that you just do and its super easy.  Only those who know better will do better.  Those who know better and don’t make that choice.  We all have choices.

What I love about this women’s month s that women are realizing more and more everyday that they are capable of anything.  One of the things is left unchecked is our hearts.  You can be a CEO of a big company and still have missing pieces of your heart that never really get filled.  Let’s explore this more in detail.

Parents

How you’re raised says a lot.  If you were in a single parent home you can be strong but admit that there was a few things that you missed.  Having 2 involved parents is key. Involved parents who care about their children give children a level of confidence that can’t be described.  They are usually more adjusted than those who are not.  That doesn’t mean that 2 parent home kids are perfect and don’t have struggles because we ALL know they can.  Having one of your parents absent for whatever reason is a struggle. You long for their presence.  A child feels like they are the reason or feel unloved.  That unloved feeling can have them reach for things in their life that isn’t healthy but it can also have them replace things too.  For instance, a child could possibly turn to drugs to fill it but what is the difference between a person who reaches for drugs, sex, relationships or even things like education which seem to be good.  Yes even things that come off as being a better option can be damaging as well.  A person who school becomes their solace may get so wrapped into school that they aren’t even going for reasons to better themselves but just want to go to keep busy.  What happens when they can’t get any more degrees? They end up substituting something else in its place. There is nothing wrong with education. The point is that lack of one thing can make you gravitate towards anything to fulfill a need. Parents are needed to help develop everyone.  There are men and women out here needing the love of their parent and hurting in their lives because of it.

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One of the other things surrounding parents is when a parent passes away.  The hole that is left is indescribable.  There are some wounded people walking around.  Parents passing feels like you yourself have passed away and especially if it’s a mother.  That void never is right.  Some people respond to death in different ways.  Some people seem fine but literally are never back to their usual selfs even years later.  What you see as someone “acting out” could be them showcasing their hurt.  What we label people does matter.  I know of plenty who called others all kinds of stuff but had no idea that the one they were talking about was in deep hurt. If you do NOT know a person. I mean the  type of know where you know their blood type and you see them being whatever in your mind to help, remember two things: you aren’t perfect and you need to attempt to aid in their healing and not in their down fall.  To many times the ones that want to help aka talk behind people’s back especially in the name of prayer are the ones who need the deepest of knee time.  Stay in your lane if you aren’t equipped to assist those in real love.

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Past relationships

You can break things off with someone and still feel like you don’t have to go and collect pieces of you all over the country.  However some bad breakups can leave people so super wounded that they cut off a new budding love from even coming into their lives. We all have seen the super jaded person.  They seem so super closed off, bitter, and every negative thing you can think of.  I know some people who have called women especially everything from hoes and bitches.  The reason that irks me is for a few reasons, I’m not going to lie I have wanted to call another woman a bitch.  It isn’t right but depending on what took place that is how I felt.  However this is why I check myself.  Calling another woman out of her name won’t fix the problem.  So if I say it or a man says it, does that make the person saying it feel better?  No.  That woman can be a lot of things but I attempt to stick to the situation inside of defaulting to bitch.

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When you break up and the “gloves” come off is when either that woman can move forward and began healing or get caught in the back and forth of labeling. Same for men who women want to call everything but what they momma named them.  Break up sucks.Keep this rule in mind, if you don’t want to be called out your name refrain from doing the same.  The second thing is yes the pain is strong but knowing you walked away without having to stoop to the other person’s level means a lot.  It helps in your healing so while sorrys need to be given you won’t have to dish any out on the basis of an argument gone sour especially when 9 tines out of 10 first breakups result in getting back together.

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Choices

There are a million ways a heart can be broken.  We obviously didn’t talk about them all.  There is one person responsible for our healing is that is us.  YES, us.  It seems unfair that others can be the cruelest and leave scars that we have to work through but the reality is that no one will come in and fix it but you.  You can say that you are one way due to all kinds of factors but trust me when I say even the most supportive get tired of hearing the same stories.  People check out.  We often think they shouldn’t but they should.  People don’t know how to do deal with broken pieces.  People are dealing with enough even if you think that aren’t.  Even in a marriage we put emphasis on them to be there but reality is they can’t fill your broken parts.  You will never get the full response from them.  If you try to keep pushing for it you and you alone will be looking crazy.  Someone love for you can’t be measured in terms on how much junk from your pass you can dump ob them and they push the layers off of you.  Even if you are doing your work to get it off of you, keep going. Your partner can have empathy but they aren’t built to be a fixer upper.  This walk may have to be walked alone.  Stop destroying your relationships by giving people the title of Mr. Fix it that don’t want it.  They were designed to walk with you not hold your bags and love on you two.  They are also not to use your bags or baggage against you either.

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Check you.  It’s not an easy thing.  Professionals help people heal but again they assist not do the work, how much less pressure do we need to talk off those around us who have not one degree?  Ladies especially we have to fight through the garbage that has been dumped into and on our lives.  No it’s not fair but life isn’t fair. Would you rather be whole or walk with your holes where you and everyone can see? Take charge and know that life hurts. Know that things aren’t going to be easy.  But you can take charge of your life.  DO it today.

 

Cleaning Up

Now I know some people are either on team resolutions or they feel like it’s the dumbest thing ever to do.  With that being said, we still need to take the time to finish some loose ends.  If you are against resolutions that’s fine but to be truly successful you must have the mindset of making goals even if its daily and making it happen.  Nothing happens by accident.  Things that you want and need out of life do not simply just fall out of the sky. You have to work hard.  It has to be in your mind and heart and often times will need a little elbow grease to take off.

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We just celebrated and are still celebrating the holidays.  It’s also time to change focus. Yes the new year is coming, it comes the same time every year.  What I have been doing is tying up loose ends of 2016.  Making sure the things on my vision board that I actively been working towards achieving are all lined up.  Checking over the family goals and seeing what I can put in place NOW not waiting until January 1st.  Yes I know the new year is coming in a matter of days, but honestly the mindset for change has to be renewed daily.  There is at least one thing that can be done daily to reach your attended goal. No one is perfect so that means with goals there is going to be good and bad days.  The bad days aren’t the end all be all, failure is only when you don’t make any moves.

So what are you needing to clean up besides some holiday decorations?  I am focusing on paperwork.  I am a stickler for organization and to be honest its honestly just a down send when you have papers all over the place.  It’s not necessarily a trait that my husband and I share.  So often times it takes me going in and making sure things are very organized to get things done.  I plan on making sure I know where I stand in the most important areas of life.  Paper in the way is usually in the form of bills, or things for the kids.  So my plan is to reorganize it all so a plan can be in force.  You don’t know where to begin if you don’t know what is on the table to get done.

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Another area that I am always tweaking is relationships.  It  is so much harder to navigate holding onto dead relationships.  Regardless if its romantic or not, some things and people need to be let go.  If the relationship is making you negative, hurt, or angry re-evaluate the level by which you have placed the importance.  Sometimes we do things out of habit or comfort.  Sometimes it may take you being uncomfortable to make change.  When I was dating my husband in college he was my first.  You couldn’t tell me there wasn’t another man greater than him.  I wouldn’t have believed you.  It had nothing to do with sex.  I was totally infatuated with him.  I wasn’t willing to see what was out there.  The men that I dated after him became a comparison game.  It wasn’t until I decided to knock this behavior off.  How could I know for real if my ex-boyfriend was my dream guy if I wasn’t willing to take the breaks off and try.  So I did.  I can say that when my husband and I came back together this last time that it was because he was the ONE.  I had to venture out and do some self-love, travel, enjoy my days of being single.  I had to stop looking at being single as a death sentence.  I met some great men that have and will make great husbands but they weren’t the one for me.  Also dating even when you are wanting to settle down doesn’t have to be looking at everyone and evaluating when you will get proposed.  I was never that extreme but there are some that first dates turn into interviews for rings.  Stop. You put too much pressure and not able to find out all you need to know about a person. Do you know how many men are great for giving rings but it doesn’t mean they are the ones that make great husbands.

What about some of the bad habits.  If you picked one bad habit to stop, that in itself can cause great change.  We all know about the outward ones like bad eating habits, etc.  They are great ones to change but the ones like lying, talking about folks in the name of prayer for my church babies, or keep up drama.  These are the things that a lot harder to break especially if you have “always” indulged.  However these bad habits evoke the most change.  These changes help to place you in the right place in your life.  These are the ones that make the difference in your life.  Once you make several of these changes, it will bleed into other areas too.  It changes how you respond to others, it causes you to definitely be more calm, and it in general will be the stopping place for why some people can’t excel. Take more inventory to your inward person when you keep trying your hand at positivity and it seems to not work.

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As we embark soon on 2017, began now to put an action plan in place for your goals.  Don’t just let this year come and go with the same excuses and lack of plan like in years past. Make the difference between a normal resolution and jump into life changes,

Chug, Chug, Chug-College Style

So yes as I stated in my other college related blogs I didn’t start drinking until at least end of sophomore or early junior year.  I won’t name my supplier since I wasn’t of age. Now this is where all parents fear comes in the most.  Kids and alcohol don’t always mix.  Let me say off the bat that drinking responsibly is drinking of age and not to get drunk.  Let me say I didn’t follow those rules so let me tell you some of the things that I got into as a result of that. This is anti drink message. This is a make your own choices message.  This is a be in control of yourself message.  I’m not about to tell folks what they should or shouldn’t and I know me and my freinds have stories for days about the things we all did while drinking.  Drinking is a personal choice but be prepared like with all things to handle the responibilities and consequences of drinking.

Let me reassure any friends that this is not a time for me to drop dimes.  Keep in my mind this will come only from my perspective but for the rest of the world I didn’t drink alone. Now that we got that out in the air, drinking at first was to taste the alcohol.  I really did enjoy alcohol.  I was a baby drinker.  I would order when it came time for me to order and ask for pina coladas, rum and cokes because it was something I could order and not look inexperienced even though I really was. The first time I drank I was on campus and the intention was for me to get someone else drunk and it didn’t work.  She kept her cool and to be honest I don’t even think she drank that night.  Me and another friend did and did and did.  We weren’t sloppy drunk but we were drunk.  Now let me hip freshman and newbies to what could have happened.  We could have been caught drinking under age in a campus dormitory and gotten into serious trouble.  Thankfully we didn’t.

There were many stories of times where I drank to get totally wasted.  I mean like couldn’t fully remember what happened.  That put me so many bad situations.  Shout out to my friends who definitely had a system where one of us had to be semi sober to keep the others in line.  I hadn’t heard too many stories between friends where women were being raped while the other friend was there and was too drunk to see what happened.  Drinking and over drinking to the point of getting drunk seems fun to a certain extent.  I never needed alcohol to have a good time.  Let me be clear I enjoyed dancing and socializing without out.  However I played many a beer pong games, and other college related drinking games so I’m not about to front on that.  As I got older I still drank but it wasn’t the same level.  I  as an adult can’t remember the many times I drank to get drunk like I did in college. Again it was my choice and a choice where I had to be sure I could handle the responsibilities of that choice.  Looking at it now I could say yes but reality is if I was arrested or put off campus I would have been devastated.

If you are a parent talk to your kids about being safe while on campus.  You won’t be there to stop them from drinking but you can instill in them the dangers that can happen if they do.  If you are a student make it up in YOUR mind what you want to do.  Never drink to please a man or a woman.  Trust me if someone is pressuring you to drink they are going to pressure you for other things such as sex.  So be careful.  Be your own person.  I was with friends who didn’t drink because that wasn’t their thing.  Outside of us attempting to get our one friends drunk, we didn’t push the issue.  If you were one who went to college and didn’t drink kudos to you.  Drinking or not drinking is a personal choice.  I wouldn’t look down for either choice.  However there are many pitfalls such as getting addicted or drinking to have fun.  If you have to drink to have fun that’s just whack.  You are a wonderful person.  You don’t need drinks to make you more beautiful, more energetic or to be more social.  Learn what you like before you allow alcohol to enter the picture.  Then it becomes a choice and not something you do just to be fun.  Fun is in your mind and how you engage. Remember beer goggles are real.   Beer and alcohol goggles are what you use to see things and trust the vision is always distorted. Many men for my ladies will prey on you.  They see easy written on your face.  Always have a system in place.  Never let yourself get too wasted.

One important thing is date rape.  I spoke briefly on this before but please ladies realize that a man can and will take advantage of you.  I’m not saying all men but some will.  Do not take drinks from someone who didn’t make that drink in front of you.  I don’t care how much you can trust them.  I know on college there is always big tubs of drinks already mixed so you take a risk but be careful.  I went to a party that served Ever Clear in a baby pool.  No lie it was in a baby pool where people were just dipping their cups into it and drinking.  I literally watched as some people appeared to just drink and then others were adding things.  How do you add anything to Ever Clear?  Like it seriously was already a strong drink.  So be careful.  I drank what I wanted and moved right along.  Keep in mind too that baby pool had everyone’s hand in it.  What I told myself and my friends know that my rule is alcohol kills the germs.  I don’t know the realness of that statement but it’s what I lived by.

College is designed to encourage drinking.  There are many specials on campus that cater to students.  I remember many wonderful drinking establishments that only my Penn Staters would know and I still go and get even to this day and they are nice and cheap. College kids are broke people.  So that is why many get together to combine funds to get the alcohol.  That doesn’t mean just becuase you put in with someone that they have to be the ones that pour.  Also on campus will have drinks for like $2 a piece.  On Penn State campus alone if you got $10 you can get a pitcher of long island and some Pokey sticks and be good for the evening.  Drinking does add up so be aware of that.

Be aware that you must know where you stand on this topic before you go.  You can and will change your mind if you want but always keep safety as your number one forefront.  I would suggest the following:

  1. Always have cab fare or now Uber and Lyft.  Be aware of your surroundings at all times.  You can still be assaulted even in a cab.
  2. Get drinking friends who are accountable.  Meaning its more than just a designated driver but a designated watcher that kind of keeps everyone in line.  It’s almost like the Bad Boy movie, we leave together we come home together.
  3. Drink and know your limits.  I would attempt to overindulged when I was in a safe place that if I did fall asleep it was with close friends that we had already discussed their house being the safe haven before hand.
  4. Watch who you take drinks from.  If possible get your own drinks.  Do not allow anyone to make you drink anything you do no want.
  5. Safety is first.  Always have your own back.  Make sure you are ready to accept the responsibilities of drinking before you start.  Don’t think it can’t happen to me because it can and will.

 

Women’s History Month: Lisa!!

Your past definitely doesn’t define your future.  You can overcome any challenge if you want to make it.  Women have been dealt a hard blow at times, but it’s not the cards, it’s how you play your hand.

My most difficult challenge was starting a new life 1500 miles away from everything I knew after having to leave my job of 13 years due to illness, facing foreclosure and separating from my husband. I left with a 10 year old, a dog and about $2000 and moved to a place I had visited once for 8 days about 3 years prior. I stayed with my older sister for two months until I was able to get a place which I paid for with two pieces of a job while still going to college online.

Now for the people who say that changing their environment is hard, how hard would it be to pretty much start from scratch?  Sometimes the very thing that seems to be painful can gives us the best challenges we need to get to our destiny.  We often complain about the things around us not realizing that it may take a leap of faith but we have what we need inside of us to complete it.

The legacy I would want to leave for my family and my community is that your past does not dictate your future. Growing up in a poor neighborhood on welfare with a drug addicted father and eventually landing in foster care, being a single mom, losing almost every material possession I owned, I had plenty of excuses I could use to fail. But I had my boys watching me. Failure was not an option. They couldn’t come to me and say they were too tired to do homework when they saw me working two jobs and then coming home to do mine. If I could get my degree after being out of school for 20 years and everything I had to deal with during my time at school, what could they say? Two words: No excuses.

If I could go back and right a wrong it would be generally not to judge people so harshly. Life is hard. We all make mistakes. I don’t think people (at least for the most part) intend to hurt you. The phrase, “Hurt people hurt people” is so true. Judging is easy; being understanding is more important.

The one thing I would like to see change with today’s women is a sense of empowerment. No matter what may or may not have happened to you, you still have choices. Take an online class (many are free), start a business. Everything doesn’t take money. But you’ve got to be willing to reach out and ask for help and then be willing to implement it. I love my Alma Mater’s slogan, “You can. You will”. I can say now with pride that I did.

I have a Facebook group designed for people who either currently are or are seeking to work or go to school online. I share tips on how to be successful doing so. The link is https://www.facebook.com/groups/1653183814948552/

So when you hit the very bottom of your life it doesn’t have to be the end of your life.  You can even without resources push through and change.  No one said it would be easy but nothing worth it is.  Ladies, our legacies depend on our will to not quit.

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