Hurt People Hurt People But You Can Do Better

It would be nice if we lived in a world where we all could uplift one another.  This is simply and unfortunately not the case.  We live in the world where with the change in political climate we spend hours of a date arguing and tearing one another down. Even politics aside the nature of the human spirit is tested to do the right thing and help one another.  Listen outside of religion and race we are do really share a lot of common experiences.  Think about a new mom who is struggling with life for those first weeks. I don’t know a mom who either experienced or not doesn’t understand what that feels like. What about a new marriage?  A couple unites and struggles with the fusing of this new life.  This is a common experience.

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We need to do a better job in uplifting one another not just when things go wrong like for instance the example of Hurricane Harvey.  Although it’s a beautiful thing to see and is needed, we need to learn to not allow a disaster to come along and THEN we step up.  We have a human right to extend the very best to our fellow sisters and brothers all around the world.  Let me also put things into perspective.  I have some folks that I have a general disdain.  I do not like them, they do not like me, but I give them and anyonelse respect.  I do not have to break bread with some folks to show respect. This costs me nothing. However at the end of the day if I was in a fire, or sick, or drowning would it matter at that moment who saved me?  Most likely not.  My disdain would only come into play when I can control the playing field. With that in mind, I try to make sure that although I may close the door of fellowship based upon personal experience with others that I do not do that with people who have done nothing to me.  Meaning for some when they are hurt they take out on the rest of the world their pain.  Pain is very overwhelming.  However pain I am having with family doesn’t need to spill into my social life.  It’s hard too when that pain resembles and is reminded.  It’s like having a band-aid on and having it peeled off temporarily and the wound hasn’t healed.

I win when I show in spirit, thought, and deed in others’ winning with me or around me. I can’t tell you the countless times as a blogger that I have been asked questions about what to do in a situation.  I am about to celebrate 3 years I don’t even consider myself to be the best, YET, but helping someone get to where I am in hopes that they take off with their site, makes me happy and fulfilled.  Uplifting and wanting what’s best even for those that I may not know is important.  To the ones I don’t vibe well with, I never practice ill will towards them.  It’s a hard balance at times when you have been hurt but me holding onto hurt does nothing but brings me down.  I am not perfect in that category but I am definitely working towards being a better version of myself.  With this in mind, there may come a time when I get to a place where I can sit in their presence and enjoy it.  I can sit in anyone’s presence when I have to and not let it get to me but to be willing to do so when I don’t have to is called personal choice.  I feel that it shouldn’t be forced.  It should be natural.  I can be in a room and say hello, and keep it moving. However to be in the room and chat it up unnecessarily is a personal choice.  I can uplift them and want what’s best for them without interacting outside of the need.

As I see stories of families, friends and strangers coming together during Harvey I am hoping that this continues to spread after the effects of Harvey dies.  I hope this continues in how we interact with one another even on social media.  I am a professional debater but I refuse to tear someone down just because we don’t agree.  Now I may decide to keep it real and not interact with someone who I don’t have to, wish them well and move on but I am at a point that I am not going out of my way to be malicious.  I am going to show support of who you are and your right to be who you are.  No different from knowing a person who is nasty in their spirit.  From a far I can not interact with you, show you respect, but make a personal choice that the vibes you send isn’t right for my spirit and not interact on a personal level.  However I have no right to dislike you and treat you badly, and then say I am a positive person.  Closing a door to a person who means you ill will doesn’t mean you are wishing them ill will either.  You have a right to protect your spirit.  You don’t have a right to be indirectly or directly mean and bash a person for being who they want to.  So I pray for all of those who is reading this blog, that they would be in a place to deal with hurt but don’t continue to hurt others or tear them down.  You have a responsibility to do the right thing towards even your enemies even when you choose to not interact with what they bring to your life.

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I am practicing these things and I am constantly checking myself so that I don’t respond when it’s not pure in heart.  I trust that even if I get it wrong that I can make it right by just doing what works for me and allowing others to do the same.

Life Lessons from a Former Stay at Home Mom

Listen having a child is a Christmas miracle. It is not to be taken for granted. Every time I hear of a Mom who lost their life-giving birth it hurts my heart. Women and their bodies go through the most to bring forth children that you hope will be productive citizens.

As a former stay at home mom I got lost many days. Between food on my clothes and wipes in my hand I had no idea what days were what at times. I learned so much about myself that I thought I had mastered until I was home with tiny humans who needed me for everything and I STILL apply the lessons to this day.  Even if you don’t have kids these are all lessons we can gleam from:

1. Time outs are not just for kids

Yes it’s okay to take a mental time out. I found I got mine when the kids went down for a nap. Now that I am back to working full-time I find that I have to push to get a time out but they are super necessary. You need to sometimes unplug and catch your breath. Life throws curb balls and in order to be ready I need a clear mind. Take a break and catch your sanity.

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2. Keep yourself fabulous

This is hard in this age at times as body issues and time can sometimes not be on our side but the years I spent complaining about what I looked like I could have done better by getting my entire life together. Listen in my stay at home days I couldn’t afford nail and salon appointments so I had to get creative. There are alternatives but keeping yourself “up” isn’t about a spouse or the world. It’s about you. It’s also for the little people who are watching you and taking in what you say and more of what you do. Hard times don’t have to show up in our appearance. My mother and I lived in a shelter and everyday she spoke over us to not look like where we lived. Has anyone not known we didn’t even look displaced. That takes strength even with your strength is depleted. Thank you Mom for that lifetime jewel.

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3. Exercise your NO muscles

Do you know how many times you have to tell a child no? Too many to keep track. Why do you get as an adult and feel like you on a yes choir?! No is powerful and one of the first words we learn as a child but is sometimes the hardest to exercise.  Your no is valuable but you have to use it. NO you can’t get up and do for another able-bodied adult. NO you can’t be used today. NO you can’t be a punching bag physically or mentally. NO! Use it! It will save you time, stress, and heartache.

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4. Have a plan and work a back up plan

All moms know what I mean when you have a toddler with a soiled outfit but no extra outfit. In life you will need the same plan. Things fall but you don’t have to fall with it. Failure isn’t failure until you give up or in whichever you allow first. Get up and work!

5. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Life is life.  Its designed to change at a moment’s notice.  Do not waste your energy or time on things that you can’t change.  Unless you are a breastfeeding mom, don’t cry over spilled milk.  If you take the hurt and pain to channel that into positivity your day will be that much better.

There are times when life will be super rough. Like 3.36 in your account, Ramen noodle eating, marriage on the brink, need a vibrator, and deadlines at work type of tough.  It will seem to be closing in at any given moment. However it’s not what’s happening to you that is the issue it’s what you allow in your response that matters. Get up, get dressed, care about life, work your plan, back it up and if your back is against the world well stand and make something happen.

Weekly Recap: April 28, 2017

Well I hope all is well.  We are ending April on a pretty good note I think.  I hope whatever you didn’t get to accomplish that you take some speed into May.  It’s a new month around the corner. In addition to that it’s time to see where we did well and where we could have done better this week.

 

News

  1. It’s been a full 100 days in office for President Trump.  No matter if you like him or hate him there has been more going on with his first 100 days than most full presidencies.  For one we have had so much threats and rumors of wars.  This is not something that we can act like won’t affect the world because we all know it will. So I don’t know what the next few years will look like, but you can best believe we will remain prayerful, vigilant, and woke.
  2. This week has been filled with sports hysteria.  We are in the middle of the 2017 NFL draft weekend.  I live in Philadelphia and let me say the buzz is not an overkill. People are out enjoying the full weekend events and it has been going well.  If you haven’t already catch up on the picks and events.
  3. There has been more children being abducted in this week than before.  Now that’s not saying I am supporting that statement with full facts.  But there has been an increase of children all over my social media, in the news, and its getting crazier day by day.  No matter how great of a parent anything can happen but please be more vigilant with your little ones now more than ever. Do not leave them unattended not even in the backyard.  Keep them close to you when you are in stores and do not let them walk behind you on the streets.  Grab your little ones hands.  This may require that you take phone calls and text messages later but it’s better than putting up flyers.  Pay attention to them.  Some people are so evil that they watch how interactive you are with your children only to scoop in when they think you don’t care.
  4. R.I.P Robert Godwin Jr.  If you do not know who he is he was the man who was walking home from an Easter dinner with his family and was shot at point-blank range by Steve Stephens who chose him randomly and killed him on Facebook live. It ensued a national manhunt that ended when he took his own life as police pursuit.  I know this has story is slowly becoming yesterday’s news but out of respect please stop sharing these videos and videos like it.  These are real life people who families would appreciate that you find a piece of morality and care.

 

Personal Highs

This week I am down another 3.5 pounds.  Won’t He do it?!  Yes!  I am super excited.  I also did one of my own suggestions in a previous blog about keeping your mental sanity by buying flowers and placing them right on my night stand by my bed.  When I have gotten up this morning I smell them.  Let me tell you how much a store-bought 7.99 bouquet has done for me.  Amazing things for my entire mood. Every morning after I have smelled them things have gone immediately crazy.  I have little kids from bathroom accidents, to refusal to get up, to finding missing items it hasn’t affected me one bit.  The flowers aren’t magical in the least bit.  They just provide a place for me to go to my happy place as I start my day.  Try it!

Blogs

As always if you have missed a blog you are missing out so get caught up.

  1. How to deal with a jerk.  It’s a quick reminder that adjusting your attitude can go a long way.
  2. Ask Toi: pet names and how speaking up can work wonders even in new relationships.
  3. Keep your knee pads-this was the #tbt of the week and we were talking about equality and the things that some men expect but wouldn’t do for themselves
  4. Dragging Lala: the internet was having a field day with the actress because in spite of Carmelo being wrong for infidelity she was supposed to forgive and forget.  That is craziness.  No woman should be cheated on and take it and especially when rumors of babies being added in.
  5. Single and married is the response to Carmelo’s rumored line that Lala was married he wasn’t.  If you’re married you know right well you can’t openly cheat and that be okay unless you have an established open marriage that both parties agree on.
  6. Stress management-emotional stress can be a killer.  All stress tugs on the matters of the heart.  Deal with that to deal with the stress.
  7. Leave the kids out of it goes out to the rude comments made about if Serena Williams who we now know is pregnant while still competing.  No her baby is not going to be made of chocolate milk but if it was it was be the best chocolate milk.  Never talk about kids regardless of how you feel about their parents.
  8. Weigh in: 04/26/2017 this is where I share my newest update on my weight loss journey.  PS. I also drank a unicorn frap, donuts and some wine.  Learning to be normal and balance working out, eating right and indulges is a great tool.

Personal Lows

I have dedicated to getting 2 days a week of sleep and I haven’t done well with that. I have run on empty a few times by doing the most when I get home since I am still doing mandatory overtime and not enough of slowing myself down.  This upcoming week I will be able to slow down and take a much-needed vacation with my girls.  However I will not run myself to the bone before I get there.  I have done a lot ahead of time and look forward to a much semi slower week,

As always I love you all.  Get out this weekend and pour a little back into your cup.  Do not do more for others and leave yourself depleted!! Have a great weekend and I will blog soon!!

 

 

Stress Awareness: Emotional Stress

Emotional stress is one of the stressors that attaches itself to one of the other stresses we discussed.  If your mind is all over the place, allowing you to think about all kinds of thing it will affect your emotions and can cause physical stress.  You can’t really be mentally or physically stressed and it doesn’t mess with your emotions.  They are sidekicks to yourself.

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However you can calm your emotions to began to handle things and alleviate the other stresses.  One of the reasons is that out of your mouth your heart speaks.  What you talk about, give life to shows where you are.  When you say you are over something and you think you are but keep talking about it still has you.  When you aren’t phased by something is when you let things go.  So how do you handle emotional stress?  Getting to the root of what is tugging at your heart.  If you are hurt you tend to hurt others in your words, deeds, etc. Lashing out sometimes only reveals what is really going on.  However don’t expect the world to give you a pass just because something is bothering you. Everyone around is having a hard time and only really mature people even take the time to weed out your mess and want to assist you.  Others will tell you that they are here for you but aren’t.  These types of heart issues have to come from you doing some work on the inside out.

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I have said it before sometimes writing things down or even saying it gets it out.  Once out you can own it and then find ways to fix it.  Not everything can be fixed.  There will be tines when apologies will never come from the very ones who are fully aware that they did you wrong.  There are so many people in the grave who have power on those of us who are living because we won’t forgive.  And although some take it as cliché, forgiveness is really for you.  It frees you.  It makes you whole.  You can be whole without someone apologizing to you when you learn to drop the charges against them.  It doesn’t mean that they deserve it.  It doesn’t mean you will forget about it.  It just means you don’t need to carry the weight of what others have done.  Let’s be honest, people are rude People are inconsiderate and people say and do mean things.  You don’t have to like it but nothing that someone else has done should make you not live the best life that you can. It’s like being miserable while the others around you continue their life.  This happens all the time.  It’s hard to forgive and move on but its worth your peace to do it.

Take some time not to mask what you feel but to deal with it.  You may not be able to get closure but you can close the books to your heart and move to a positive place in your life.

 

How To Deal With a Jerk

So the other day I was driving behind a jerk.  I was on my way to work and I didn’t have my kids in the car which is a rarity in the morning.  Usually when I have the kids in the car I usually do an out loud prayer to prevent me from using “adult words” in my  kids’ presence and they get a kick out of it because they think I am trying to be a comedian and I’m really not.

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So this day I was able to get my car washed before work and make a Wawa stop which for me is under a Starbucks stop and I am in a good mood.  The man in front of me is going at least 15 mph in a 25.  So at first I turn my music up and rock out until he is going several blocks looking back at me in his mirror.  So the music is no longer loud to me because my focus was on the irritating man. I don’t want to tap into full road rage because in this day and time people are taking lives over this type of stuff. So a few deep breaths.  Than at some point I lose it and I am hollering at the car.  Why am I hollering as if this man can hear me?  I am all in my feelings.  The man sees it and drips down to 10mph.  Everyone is beeping their horn but he’s smiling in his mirror seeing the agitation and getting off on it if you ask me.  I couldn’t get around him at first.  So I am like Toi, what are you doing?  Don’t feed into his foolery.  So I realize I can make a turn and get around him so I do.  I turn on my Beyoncé and I get my smiles on because I know that its going to irk him to see me happy.  It works, he is waving at me as I get around me all besides himself as he catches the light.  I was able to get me together and not given into this brief encounter.  There was a way out.  There is always a way out when dealing with idiots.  We don’t look for ways out we like to indulge  into what jerks are doing. There’s a spot in us that likes to let others see that we are mad at them.  To be real folks don’t care.

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Don’t subscribe to their channel.  When someone sees you are ruffled you let them know that you are irritated and what spot to keep hitting.  Guess what?  They keep hitting. Stop allowing people who do not matter to have a front row in your life. This is easier said than done but once you shut out the extra folks and their mess that they create you will notice a peace in your own life.  Some baggage comes from our own minds, things we create, and some come from deposits that we allow others to drop off and then they walk away feeling fine and we are irritated, mad, sad, heated, and hateful.  Drop folks and their stuff off with them and makes waves to secure your own peace.  Peace is sometimes better than just having a solution to an issue.  You can solve a problem and still have no peace.  So today, to hell with a jerk…..

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Why Am I Pushing Self Care/Self Love?

If you follow me on Twitter and you should (Toitimeblog) I am really pushing others as well as myself to really think about what it is they need to make them see, feel and know that they are loved.  This is the essence of self-care.  Knowing you are loved and doing the things necessary for your love moves beyond waiting on someone else to love and pour into you.  Whatever someone else does for you becomes a bonus instead of the only source.

So what can you do for self-care/self-love?  The first thing you need to so is find out what you like and need.  Do you really love flowers?  Do you just need some me time?  Do you need a little getaway?  Are you trying to figure your life out and need inspiration or direction?  Do you need walks to clear your mind?  Whatever YOU need you need to find ways to pour into your own spirit.  I know I have some single, dating, married, parents, etc readers.  This means that all of our lives are being pulled in a million directions.  It’s super easy to get caught up in making sure everyone around you is taking care of and less of a priority to make yourself your number one.  However when you are attempting to balance your life you really have to learn that its okay to do so.  Why do you feel that you can’t have the best love life of your life?

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Self love is super important.  So what does one do?  After you figure out what you need you simply take some time out daily to complete it.  Self love as I stated on Twitter isn’t just something you do on Sunday, after a break up, or every now and again.  This is a daily venture.  Everyday you should be doing something that uplifts your spirit.  You should be buying yourself weekly flowers if you need it.  You should be taking 15 minutes to pray or mediate.  You should be reading a good book or magazine.  You should be making a spa day at home because you need it.  You should be finding ways to get the things you want by being creative. You should be doing all of this on a daily basis.  It doesn’t have to be super expensive.  Last Summer I took a beach day.  It cost me a tank of gas, a few snacks, money for food, some adult music and sun screen.  I plan to do this on my own this Summer as well.  You want to go somewhere but you are balling on a budget, find deals.  Research. Don’t look to always have an entourage.  If you can’t go anywhere on your own you are going to have a hard time even in crowds too.  Be self-sufficient and see what this world has to offer.

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So I could give you self-care ideas but the ideal is for YOU to figure it out and do them.  Yes on days when you are tired.  Yes on days when you have had a bad day.  Yes on days when you don’t want to be bothered.  These are the best days to do them.  You want to build a bank for the days when you aren’t feeling your best.  You want a bank that you can draw from when you want to just snap out on everyone for everything and nothing at all.  Are you worth it?  Absolutely.  Even if you think you aren’t trust me you are.  Make your own days your best day.

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Oh and lastly one of the best things you can do for yourself is to exercise that NO muscle. Sometimes you need to let folks NO you aren’t going to do and walk away.  If you are grown you don’t always owe others an explanation.  This way of thinking can be damaging.  You are NEVER going to make others around you happy.  They will never always like what you say or do.  So stop doing back flips in the area of acceptance.  You need to work on accepting you with all of the flaws you have.  It’s okay we all have them.  Embrace them but still love on yourself.

Flex Your No Muscles

I have to share a little battle with ya’ll.  One because I need to get it off my chest and the other is because I just want to.  I don’t get it.  I have some really great friends.  It’s the associates that sometimes misinterpret their place.  For me the line is clear.  If I am not the one to have you around my kids, most likely you are an associate.  I take my kids and who they are around very seriously.

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So I got 2 invitations to do some things this weekend. The one is from a friend.  They are someone who knows how I am.  Asks me and my husband at the same time and can be around my kids by themselves because the trust levels are high.  The other is an associate. He or she has never been around my kids or in my home.  That in itself speaks volumes. It’s the holidays so I am all for gathering together.  It can be fun.  However don’t pull a stunt telling me anything.  I think it’s a glitch in how I work in general.  Respect lines can’t get crossed with me.  Once you do it’s an issue that I struggle with resolving. I am working on it which is why I also am direct.  It helps people and myself to stay in a certain place.  So as this associate told me she’s coming to my home.  I wanted to verbally bury her.  What house?  Whose house?  Clearly not mine.  This is how it was worded: “hey girl I want to see you so I am coming to your house and if you could make me some dinner that would be good since I will be getting off of work late.  How is 7?”  So I stepped back mentally.  Is this person joking.  So I straight up asked.  The associate said that they was tired and had me on their mind and knows I cook because of the kids.  I was baffled.  My best friend wouldn’t have even done that she would have at least asked.  Word choice matters to me.  I am quirky like that.  Take it or leave it.  However I barely know you.  I barely see you.  Catching up is a beautiful thing.  How about set a date up and make it happen.  This invite yourself thing doesn’t and will never work for me.

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I kindly informed the associate that no they would not be coming to my home.  They can’t simply invite themselves and it’s during the week which means we have a nightly routine that won’t be interrupted.  I asked why they felt like they could be so intrusive.  The response was because you seem like the person who wouldn’t care. I informed them that to come over unexpected especially during our week schedule to eat and we don’t have that type of relationship seems intrusive.  I barely know this person’s last name.  I also informed the associate that we should definitely have a built relationship before I start inviting them around my children.  I didn’t mean any harm but I do NOT let random people around my children.  Anybody I generally have around them are people who I have personally tested their spirits and are comfortable with.  I don’t even allow certain people in my own family access to my children let alone someone who can’t vouch for.

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The moral of the story is that some people believe they can occupy your space and they simply can’t.  I am okay with backing people out of my space.  We do not have drama in our home and if it is someone who I don’t know that is openly inviting the potential.  My kids are very open and welcoming and I will not allow them to be tampered with in their spirits by anyone.  Be careful who you invite in your space and their motives.  This associate may turn into a great friend but until that day happens, back up.