So I was watching Starz’s Survivors Remorse and on the show Missy Vaughn played by Teyonah Parris and Reggie Vaughn played by RonReaco Lee are married. It came out after Reggie was playing cards and lost $123,000 with “big wigs,” that Missy’s father had him sign a prenuptial agreement since Missy comes from money before they were wedded. Now the issue was the signing as well as the fact that as a married woman she didn’t work. Her claim is she keeps the house together aka a stay at home wife. By the way they have no kids. The father once he sat down with Missy and explained that the reason he made Reggie sign a prenuptial agreement is so that if the marriage failed, her husband wouldn’t be able to take her money and leave her high and dry. Her mother interjected that she needed to work too.
So the issues that stirred:
- Prenuptial agreements. Are they a thing to get if you have money or property?Some would argue that you are setting your marriage for failure. Some would say it is in everyone’s best interest to get one. Marriage is a partnership and apart of the partnership includes money. Love is beautiful however being broke is ugly. We need to talk about the importance of being financially sound before marriage.
- Stay at home wife-contributions and withdraws of said money-I was a stay at home wife for many years. For me it was the best solution to paying high daycare fees. It was more cost-effective to be at home.
- The Pros:
- Get to be the COO of your home. You are the one that organizes and get the home together
- You if you have kids don’t have to wonder what your kids are doing cause you are the ones doing it for them
- You save money in the long run
- The Cons:
- Not having your own money comes with the challenges of having to depend on your husband to give you money or allowances. This works for some and not for others. It depends on the husband that you have to be honest. Most men talk a good equality talk on the surface but you have to get to the real nitty and gritty if that man means it. Sorry to say most do not but they pretend to. You have to be able to talk about it and be clear on what that looks like. Does the wife still get to get out and do things women like to do such as keeping herself up, shop, or get a coffee if she wants? If so what does the budget look like.
- Not having adult interactions because you are in the home most of the time.
Now let me put this is terms where my life fit in it and what I got from this. Money in our home has always been an issue. I am going to be transparent because I KNOW for a fact that a lot of women go through this. I love things. I like the ability of being able to get the things that I like or want. The drawback to this when I was a stay at home mom is that my husband rarely said no. However what he had to do in the background to make sure that every time I swiped was part of the conversation that I didn’t want to have to have. I got to the point of not having of my own and having to rely on him. This is a dangerous place for most women including myself.
Who puts it back if its gone?
The ability to do for myself is a beautiful thing. I know some women do not care, but for me I do. I am striving to be the type of women that if my husband does it is a bonus and not out of need. The reason is my husband plain and simple is not the husband from the 1950s who takes shoveling out money on the chin. That doesn’t mean he has an issue giving me the things I need and some of the things I want. However there has been times when in conversation he would say it. In the beginning I would read messages he would text on his phone. AKA get into his phone and find negative messages about what I was doing on all fronts of the relationship not just money by the way. These are the things they don’t tell you about marriage or relationship especially ones that have only one partner being the only bread-winner or the main bread-winner. If you have one that is constantly spending and not putting it back-who puts the money back? The working husband and sometimes the working wife since men stay at home too. If the husband or wife is stressed trying to figure it all out than the issue isn’t in the spending its in balancing. I think both partners should be honest about that. However ladies I know I have heard it and if you’re not careful go back to doing whatever at no respect for his hustle too. The man may want to do more but if he stressed trying to put it back all the time maybe that’s the issue in your spending and not just in him giving or not giving.
Now back to Reggie and Missy I could relate to the shock when Missy mom told her to get a job. It’s the life of Riley when you can swipe and kick off to wonderland until you realize your mate doesn’t respect the fact that you have him working harder than ever to put the money back you keep using. I know, it would be east to blame the man until you take your emotions out of it and come to reality that at the end of the day, money is made not wished upon. She had the look of disgust when it came to the fact that she needs to work and secure her own so her father or her husband couldn’t make any issues with money. I am realizing more and more and maybe it’s because of my personal dealings that there really is no real we. To be honest, he that makes the gold makes the rules. Its frustrating but it matters on who you are with to be honest. And regardless of who you are marrying to recognize the financial state that your family is in. Red bottoms when you are saving may not be in the cards. Asking for them and getting but not caring if that man has to work extra hours or cut back in another area to get them is an issue.
Get your hustle on too
I would encourage every woman to know the financial dealings of your home. You should know the ins and outs of what accounts are in effect. Know the numbers, know where the important documents are in the home. Please use one of your gifts to make your own money even if your money isn’t as long as your husband. Every now and again say no to your husband’s swipe. This means that you will have to have something of your own to swipe with. I know this world would tell us that we are women hear us roar, that’s cute too but roar with some dollars it’s one of the ways to keep respect in the finances of your marriage. To those who do not have that issue, kudos to you. For the rest of the world, always securing your own bag is best. Trust and believe these men will respect you more when you can do a few things independent of you. Even the ones who claim they are here for your personal growth lie constantly so get your coins all the way up.
The big issue is to ask questions and be transparent with your spouse about money. This goes for both parties not when and after your completely frustrated. Money was always scary to me and I never wanted to take the time to get the full picture. I do not want to paint my husband into a tyrant that by no means is the reason of this blog. It’s to highlight an area that causes more divorce in the country within marriage. Not having a conversation and having expectations that don’t match with reality. Men you must have a conversation and be honest too. Ladies we have to be willing to listen without emotion. Most husbands want to see their wife happy they just don’t want to die killing themselves to get you to that point. Come to the table with something or find ways to always reinvent the wheel to bring things to the table, coupon to cut corners. Then when you cut the corners don’t spend that too, save. Help the household not just you or your bottom line. Also shout out to my dad who before marriage ALWAYS then and NOW drills the importance of having your own. He would never want me to be totally dependent on my husband. It has zero to do with my husband controlling me it has to do with being free to make decisions on my own and being totally depenedent is and will never be healthy. Shout out to my husband who has behind the scenes has helped me be financially debt free, and to make sure that I am empowered to have my own. He doesn’t stop me but encourages me to be my own woman. Some can’t say that. Work out the dealings of your home and if you feel like things aren’t being heard on any side, than I would suggest getting someone who will not take sides to be a mediator. As much as people think the issue of money is no big thing, it is a huge part of living with another person and working things out.
Also know that things will NEVER make you happy. Get your spirit together as well. Sometimes the desire to excessive spending could reveal something on the inside that you are dealing with that shopping bags can’t fill.