Ask Toi: What should I do if someone from my past or new love interest knocks and I’m already connected?!

If you’re already connected and the interested person doesn’t know you need to tell them. If they know but still pushing up than know they just like the chase and want to see if you will take the bait.

As an adult it’s your choice who you are with period. This means even if you just want a one night or one time physical relationship as an adult it’s up to you. Not everyone wants a commitment but be true to yourself. Don’t say you don’t want a commitment in hopes that you can later change a person’s mind. 

If you are already connected either by dating or marriage than you know that the answer is a no for now. With that being said it’s best to thank the person for the interest and move along. In a dating situation boundaries need to be made. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t have anything to entertain another person.  If you’re married the boundary was made on your wedding day and you end it. 

The past is the past. It can be a beautiful reminder of what was but it takes a lot to dig the past up, revive it and make it work. Ask anyone including me how much work it takes to date someone from your past.  It’s not super easy.  It’s never a good idea to open the door to a past or new interest because if you do it says more about you than the person knocking. People don’t realize that a person who will cheat or entertain someone else but expect loyalty from the person they were originally connected to shows they have NO loyalty at all. You want what you can’t or won’t give. This goes for men and women. So if you’re connected say thanks, nice talking to you, and seal the door of communication. 

Let me guess you can handle it right? Wrong. You start catching up. Then you exchange emails at first, then phone numbers, than social media and now you can’t get this person off your mind.  You absolutely not giving the person you were connected to any of your valuable time because your sharing space with someone else. Now if your just dating and no commitment with anyone than that’s your right. However don’t mess over another individual while taking space with another while connected or committed to a person. You might lose on both relationships. 

When Basics are Celebrated

Please do not get me wrong.  I think anyone doing anything positive is good news.  I love that people are attempting to move past the backward thinking that has seemed to take this world over.  However, can we just be real for about a few seconds?  When basic behavior is like the best thing since sliced bread than we have a problem.

You are in a dating situation the man of your dreams is wining and dining you and pulls your chair out, etc now you are like see my man loves me?  I don’t doubt he does.  In a world where men and no not all men are too busy getting caught up in the negative things, playing video games and no job, making babies with no responsibility this could seem like a breath of fresh air.  However the issue isn’t in the mere manners, it needs to be our own personal standards that have gone on a decline. Even when I dated the most thugs of boyfriends they pulled my chair out.  It was the way I carried myself that lead them to know from the gate that if they never pull a dime like myself they was going to step it ALL the up.  So opening up doors is normal for me during my dating processes. Opening doors was basic.  It wasn’t because I carried myself in a stuck up way, I didn’t I was laid back but my mere demeanor said hey buddy, this is going to be a classy outing. Now this didn’t always mean I was at 5 star restaurants all the time either.  I could go to a night of dancing in the hole in the wall but still be treated like I wasn’t living in the hole of the wall.  I set the standard!

Image result for basic gif

If you are married and your husband is super caring, we uplift them. We start labeling relationship goals right off the bat because a husband kissed their wife.  Okay I get there are sexless and boring marriages (all by choice) but a simple kiss even a romantic passionate one making relationship goals only means that there are a lot of married couples who do not enjoy the union they are in. Kisses are done simply at the altar or union as a seal of commitment.  So….yeah we have got to raise the standard.  I had a conversation with my own husband and we acknowledged the highs and lows of our relationship and how outside things and distractions are often celebrated when we lack the self-sufficiency to love on each other and ourselves in the way it should be.  A husband who simply comes home is celebrated as if he isn’t supposed to return home after his outside of the home obligations are done.  He is celebrated and the phrase, “well at least he’s not cheating” comes into play. Like is he supposed to be cheating?  I know cheating is big but let’s not give more respect to the cheater than the faithful?  We live in a messed up world.  The only way to make the world smaller is to learn to leave the outside world OUTSIDE. Spend more time making YOUR world what YOU want it to be.

Image result for basic father gif

If you are married and have kids and your husband doesn’t lift the finger to assist you with the kids some of it on you because you won’t speak up and other reasons is because he doesn’t think he should, I hear well at least he’s in the home.  So many men are locked up or leave after they make the babies.  This is true.  However him being in the home still living like an absentee father is even more crazy.  You do know they exist.  They are simply bodies but they don’t do a thing but get the greatest father in the world book just because they stayed.  Um, if you have a baby and make a baby it is YOUR responsibility to be there, provide, and dare I say interact and assist in the raising of that child.  It is simply not okay to come in the home, say hi, watch tv and send the child to bed and think you have arrived in parenting.  NO you need to be a force in the home.  You need to be helping with whatever it takes to make sure you have healthy, loved and supported children.  Ladies, if you have a man who is simply there don’t expect it.  Also speak up and don’t berate him because he doesn’t do things like you do either.  It’s give and take once ALL parties pay their part.

Image result for basic gif

I believe in rewarding kids but kids are supposed to do good things if they are influenced in the right way.  For instance every time your child does something he/she will NOT always be rewarded.  Teaching integrity means that at some point they learn to do the right thing simply because it’s right and not because someone is watching them or will give them something.  This is why some kids feel a sense of entitlement because you love your little love muffin and use rewards for everything.  Reward systems are awesome.  It can be used to motivate but should not be in the place of all parenting techniques. These little angels grow up and think the world owes them something and you and I both know that really isn’t how it works.

Like I have always pushed, balance is key.  Never do more on one side over another. I know this whole not wanting to be “basic” is a thing but the reality is there are times when going back to the old landmark really does still work.  The standard you set in your life and how you work through it should still be set by a measurement.  If a person is worth your time they will know what your standard is.  That is why some people go ga ga over things like good sex.  Is sex supposed to be bad?  Yes there are some sexual partners that don’t always do it right off the bat and you have to set the standard even in that on what you will accept or not.  However some folks get one strong sexual partner and will throw caution to the wind over some wet sheets and weak knees.  It’s like having a stack of cards and as long as one suit is good, you don’t pay any attention to anything else.  Set the standard.  Know you are worth to be treated the way you want and make no excuse for it.  In time once your basic needs are met the other items will line up because you are looking through balanced eyes.

No Accounts

So one of my favorite cousins had a conversation about no accounts.  When we first started talking it was about no account mammies.  Yes I said mammies.  No account mammies are the moms who have kids and don’t take care of them.  The moms who drop they babies off to big momma’s house and be in the club every weekend.  The ones that don’t ever even check on big momma to make sure she need anything.  Always expecting somebody to raise their kids but don’t raise them themselves.  The no account mammies are the ones that have kids and expect the state to take care of them.  These are the kids that get fished into homes other than the one they should be in.  No accounts have a reason for why they do what they do but most don’t take into consideration that at the end of the day a choice was made and a choice was taken.

My cousin and I have these talks all the time.  However the no accounts can really apply to anyone to be honest.  it’s not an attack on women or mothers.  It’s the reality of what happens when people who are too selfish to care about how choices and actions actually interfere with others.  So for the sensitive you might as stop reading now.  I will not sugar coat no account people.  They are all around us.  They could be in your close circle.  This is not to say that you must have a perfect life.  I know myself and others who have had lives that have been filled with tragedy, regret, etc but the choice to end up as a no account person is a personal choice.  I had a conversation with a person yesterday.  They said something that clicked to me.  Without getting into the details it boiled down to level of relationship.  Some people appear to be no account with you because they don’t even value you as anything worth doing better by.  Is that the person’s fault?  Some of it can be.  However could it be the way you allow certain things to be said or how you carry yourself in that relationship that makes the difference?

Image result for raggedy people gif

We give the no accounts so much credit.  For instance the cash me outside chick.  She is a no account.  Sorry not sorry.  She is slated to make millions of this ghetto vernacular that black folks been accused of acting like but we get the wrong end of the stick.  To be honest she is a disrespectful child that needed her behind kicked  a long time ago.  Yes I said it.  I will not watch a reality show that glorifies her bad behavior.  She needs the right set of parents.  Now she making club appearances.  How?  She isn’t even 21 to enter these premises and making more than most hard-working citizens.  But the dummies of the world put their stamp of approval on her and bam she’s an instant hit.  Miss me with her and her antics.  I am not a hater.  I am on team make your money but if the only claim to fame is because you out here threatening to hit folks but every other time you getting your ass beat than I am in the wrong field.  She is out here making disrespect and foolishness cute.

No accounts care but mostly about themselves.  Have you dated a no account?  The one who every time you bring up stuff they disregard you?  The one that can’t seem to be on time except if it affects him or her?  The one who seems distant but you still working on him?  How much working on him or her do you need to do before you clock out permanently?  Even doctors get in and do what they have to do in surgery.  If the person you like has that much work to be done it may be time for you to consider that surgery time is not even worth it.  Like what are you really going to do with this person?  Convince them?  How is that working out?  Even in marriage the piece of paper that governs and holds your benefits of marriage together can’t make a husband or wife do what you want them to do.  After awhile working on the marriage becomes just exhausting but I know we aren’t supposed to say that because the ones striving towards marriage will feel some type of way.  This is real life.  The glitter and gold of all things eventually wear down.

Image result for raggedy people gif

Let’s talk about the no account job you have.  Who makes it no account? Does working at McDonald’s make it no account.  Absolutely not. I really have to say this.  Nothing in this world irks me more to hear people who finally get a piece of job saying the most demeaning thing about fast food workers, or janitors.  Do you realize that people need to work.  Where they work has no bearing on who they are or what they can or can’t do.  I hear people say when people don’t have a job that they could have worked at (insert job) but the minute they do they have to deal with the most uppity attitudes because they sold you a burger.  Stop this mess. You have no idea where you can be doing what you have to do for yourself and your family.  This uppity mentality of telling people “he or she better pass me my damn sauce” needs to stop. No matter where you go you will find folks with bad attitudes that’s from the high-rise job to the lowest as well.  So don’t attribute raggedy to someone just because of their job title.  If you treated others well no matter what they do or who they are you yourself would be a lot further in life than where you are and that’s the truth.

Image result for raggedy people gif

No account friends exist.  I am struggling in this department.  The reason for the struggle is that it has nothing to do with cutting people off.  It’s seeing the shift of friendship and waiting for the shift to complete itself.  No account friends are the ones who never have nothing nice to say.  You bring up something they make it about them.  Or tell you that they been there and then go into the ME fest.  Sometimes you need to just hear “let me know how I can help you.” Just because you did it one way doesn’t mean you have to speak ill about something and someone you call a friend.  No account friends start when friends forget to treat each other the way you want to be treated.  Not just when you feel needed and have a god complex that you are now saving the world.  No account friends have to be dealt with by cutting them out of your life.  Getting cut hurts.  So the emotions you feel behind it is real.  However what can you do with a no account friend? Nothing if your honest.  They don’t serve a purpose but frustrate the gifts, talents, and love you could be giving to another human being and get the same in return.

You have the power to end the no account cycle.  It doesn’t matter what your title in life is trust me being a no account person or continuing to deal with a no account person will only lead you into a place of continued frustration.  You will be dark and angry without knowing why and all along it was because you had all of the negative energy around you.  Take your life into your own hands in that you do what is absolutely best.  You have a right to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind.  However your struggle with the factors that you don’t think you can change.  Its going to hurt.  You will miss the negativity.  Yes you will.  You are used to it. Like for instance I was used to certain behaviors from others.  So the minute I took charge and ended it I still longed for it.  This is the part about change people don’t talk about.  They make it seem as if you change and then you just keep on trucking.  That’s not true especially when you been around something for so long.  However like my grandma would say to hell with it and folks.  You have to keep walking away, stay away, and command respect in your own life and how you deal with others and especially in how you allow others to handle you.  How you allow others to handle you is super important.  Often times when you allow folks to do anything the only one mad is YOU.  You know better.  You feel it’s not right.  You know you don’t like it than stop it.  It can be on a little scale or large one, end the mess today.  Take into account the no accounts in your life.

Image result for raggedy people gif

People are walking around full of sorrow.  Some of it is from what they have done.  Let me give you a nugget for your past.  If you DID it already and have made strides to do better and changed your life around know two things.

  1. It’s over
  2. People do not have to validate your change.  You do not need an amen corner to push you along to the best parts of your life.  Walk alone if you have to but stop waiting for acknowledgement of change that may not come.

If you are walking around with sorrow in your heart because you lack friendship and you want to be connected as most of us do, put out the very personality and love you want to receive.  When it comes back to you tainted know that who you attempted to connect with or have been connected to is the wrong one. Another free nugget of wisdom, the amount of time you have been connected with a person or group of persons is never a reason to stay in a no account relationship.  Why do you think that people who have been married for 25 years end? It could be they held on for selfish reasons like making the kids happy.  It could  be that they weren’t financially in a place to end things.  This happens more often than you think.  Walking around in the wilderness of any relationship being faithful to it because of amount of years knowing it no longer served you is craziness.  Don’t get discouraged.  Keep on going. The right ones with the right spirit will link up and it will be like being thirsty in a desert and finding water for the first time.  Your issue is in the mean time of that happening.  Continue on your goals, fine tuning your crafts, finding your gift to the world and taking care of your home. Your home also means your spirit, your well-being, and what makes you whole.

Image result for raggedy people gif

 

Ask Toi: Do I tell my husband his perfect friend is hitting on me?

Yes.  There’s no way around it.  Perfect in whomever eyes he still is perfectly wrong.  Now to my readers the back story is this perfect friend of my reader’s husband adores his wife publicly on social media and appears to be the best husband in the world but is still sliding into her emails, etc

I call foul. I think some men like the chase.  He appears to be the best husband but that’s the tool that he is using to see if you will take the bait. I would tell your husband. I would show him the emails so he can see it for himself.  You have no reason not to tell and trust and believe if you don’t that it can be turned on you.  I have seen men try the whole your wife tried to seduce me bit.  Always protect yourself.  No one has you like you.  Also let the friend know that he needs to stop.  Don’t mention anything now if you have NEVER responded.  Now even more of a reason to show your husband what has been going on so he can check his friend.  Perfect husbands are not a real thing.  People are people.  If your husband’s friend was so loyal to his own wife, he wouldn’t have the time to be in your email.  This is why I caution people not to go by what they see on Facebook and other social media. Everything that glitters isn’t gold.  Some people over compensate their love on social media to appear to be good and fight like cat and dogs at home. The real test of a marriage should be between that husband and wife and he drew you into their stuff by stepping out on his marriage.  Lastly if he feels so comfortable talking to you like he than what type of husband and friend is he really?  You aren’t the only one he is doing this too trust me.  I wouldn’t even be surprised if he was living a double life.  Some men like to tell their boys that their lives are the worst so it justifies that they want to have other women on the side.

Ask Toi: How do I resolve an argument with my husband regarding holiday traditions?

Simple. When you are married you both are coming from 2 different backgrounds. Even if you have similar backgrounds, the way you are both used to things will be different. 

Find out what means the most to the both of you.  Try to incorporate them into your new life as well as make up a few new traditions together. My husband is Catholic and I am more Baptist but in my later years I went to a non denominational church.  We both have the same core values but when the holidays come along the way we worship is greatly visible. 

I don’t go to church or mass at midnight like he grew up doing but I wrap gifts and wait up for him and we have a glass of wine and talk about how grateful we both are of each other and our family. So the new is the wine and talk mixed with his old of attending mass and Christmas day we hang with my family.

Also I like to do just about every Christmas cliché thing to be done.  It’s just how I am.  My husband is more laid back.  He however indulges in what I like and often times he purchases whatever I want to make it happen. We play the chipmunks Christmas CD that is to us both the signal that Christmas is here. Again instead of one trying to overtake and get all of their wants met, we compromise. There has to be give and take. 

Find a middle ground. No need to make the holidays more stressed than they need to be.  You two got married to walk through life. Sometimes life is complicated and has disagreements. Make the best of it and enjoy both of your loves during the holidays. The important things that mean so much to you both should be celebrated. Enjoy each other.  Remember there is someone who would love the portion of even having a mate to argue over egg nog vs. hot chocolate. 

Fake Marriages and Why?

So every last relationship on this planet is different.  Not one is the same no matter how many similarities may exist. So my thing is that women do NOT need to be married.  I know men are measured by their careers and women by their relationship status but this is crazy.  The number of spiritual ceremonies and fake marriages is getting out of hand.

Now let me tell you where this is coming from.  I read a blog that stated that Yandy and Mandeecees from Love and Hip Hop New York after the lavish wedding they had on national television is actually not real.  I don’t know if it is or not but let’s say for argument sake it’s not.  I don’t get the point.  It’s technically not my point to get but let’s draw on a few things.

Image result for mandeecee

Do we have to have these fake marriages?  It’s one thing if you have a spiritual ceremony and everyone knows hey we don’t want the necessary papers but we doing this because it feels right.  The other flip is to attempt to make it appear that you are indeed married when you are not.  Like what are you proving to others?  I have never felt the need to do things for an audience.  Like for instance the terms wifey and hubby irks the hell out of me.  I know its cute to say but let’s keep it real.  There are a number of couples that believe in their little hearts that they are that man’s wifey when in reality you are indeed not.  You are a girlfriend that likes pet names.  I don’t mean to burst your bubble but that’s how it works.  Let’s give a scenario, you are in an accident and your “hubby” dies, you are not the one they seek to make decisions .  Sorry you are not.  They are looking for next of kin. Bummer all that hubby talk doesn’t give you legal rights unless you were smart enough to get power of attorney and other legal documents lined up.

Image result for no power gif

I love when I hear people say they don’t care about a piece of paper but be the same ones posting memes about how men get licenses for their dogs and won’t do the same for their relationships while laying next to their “hubby.” If you don’t want to be married than so be it.  It’s not for everyone. I can respect it.  I am married and I don’t ever paint this happily ever picture like I lay in bed of roses and balloons all day.  Marriage is work and not everyone is cut to make it work.  So stand by it.  Please stop sending out messages to people to make it appear that your relationship is more than it needs to be and then want people to respect you as such.  Just stop.  Now Yandy and Mandeece may decide to be married after his stint in jail is over.  Business wise it makes sense but it poses a very important question.  If you can’t fully take on your mate’s issues on paper because it will cost you than what does it show you about the cost of your relationship for real.  Like I get it.  Legally Yandy would be held liable for paying back his fines and cost possibly for the financial responsible for his kids too.  However they paint this picture like she is more than able and wants to take on his kids.  I can’t wait to see how this comes out.

Image result for where they do that at gif

As a woman who want to be a boss, can you just be in a relationship and satisfied or have you already given into the societies desire for you to be married so faking it gets others off your back?  It in all reality says you love a man but at the end of the day legally you are no different from any other woman in that man’s life.  I am sure she has gotten her paperwork in order that if she needed to take care of his affairs she can, but for the average woman how long you gonna play house if you really want to be a permanent house mate?  This isn’t for the women who swear off men and would NEVER marry.  This is the ones that lie to themselves and are just okay to be entangled with a man.  This is for the woman who is marriage hungry to take on a man’s name.  Be smart.  Find out what works for you and stick to it.  But stop the lies.  Stop lying to yourself as if you are more to that man than the pretty picture he has painted.  He just wants that milk for free and is “trying to get his shit together.”  How long that takes?  Let me guess its 10 years and you are crying inside and lying to your mom and girlfriend just like he lies to you.  You want marriage but don’t want to rock the boat or “hubby” will leave.  You better get in your own spirit what you want and take the fake mask off.  If you want marriage, make sure is for YOUR right reasons.  However don’t waste a quarter on a fake ceremony. I have said it before and I will say it again if it’s a ring you want, buy yourself one.  Do NOT however stop feeding a bunch of lies about that paper you really do want.  Be smart.  Be honest. Be clear.

Women shouldn’t have to fake it in 2 places and that’s the bedroom and to an audience of folks who could care less.  Speak up about what you need in and out of the bedroom.  Too many woman having to fake a lot of things and let with empty shells and dry sheets.  Do better.

Ask Toi: What is the Worst Part about being Married?

Well let me put some thought into that question.  Marriage is beautiful but since I stay on the keep it real train, I have to say there are some drawbacks.  A lot of women can’t wait to be married.  They have no idea that it’s work.  They have no idea that often times it can distract you from what you want to do.  The days of just getting up if you remove the kids from the equation and just doing my own thing don’t fully exist. I miss the days where I didn’t have to have a plan.  I miss the carefree days of not having to wonder did I feed another person let alone myself.

Marriage makes you have to think of another person and their needs and how it will all fit in a larger setting. This isn’t something that I would want to exit my marriage for but it does make it hard when you want to do just do you and you can’t.  I don’t have a worst part but I can highlight some of the challenges we faced during our marriage that we have overcome.  One of those challenges was in the beginning we lived with his mom to do a 5 year plan to pay off bills.  In one regard it benefitted us financially to save and pay bills. The draw back was that we were in someone else’s home.  It didn’t mentally or emotionally work out in our favor.  I know now that I am unwilling to live with another person outside of my husband and kids.  The mental anguish that it gave was too much and in order for us to stay married that’s how it has to be.  Again others have done the same thing and have survived and have even liked it.  I have been an independent flower all my life. I watched my mom has us in shelters and from other folks’ home.  Once you get your own going backwards to someone else’s rules and the way they do things just doesn’t work for grown people.  Most people will act on the surface that it works but since people are people will always push their agendas.  The same happened and because of it, I now know that if we should be in the same situation it could be a breaking point for us.  I know that isn’t something to say but he and I are honest about that.  We won’t sugar coat it.  One thing I appreciate now that we are out is now my husband is more aware of my needs.  He is one to be sure that if I am even going into a challenge to check on me often.

Another challenge that I know I personally had in my marriage was not communicating well.  I think most couples go through it.  There are better days but some days are truly the type of days where you have to really push yourself to keep entering your home.  Its like having all this love for a person but still wanting to slap them and their parents at the same time for having to deal with whatever the issue has thrown.  I am sorry but that’s about as real as its going to get.  Everything in marriage ain’t lingerie and smiles.  There are times when fights occur.  You will have moments where you have to stop dishing the silent treatment and deal with things.  Those moments make you cry.  It can make you mad but it will produce growth.

Lastly the use of the word divorce.  We had moments when that was our reality.  I would caution all couples that are married or planning to be married to NEVER use that word unless you ready to sign that day.  Being mad is one thing, but being mad enough to threaten the word or the use of divorce is never a good thing.  We were headed for disaster. We had to come to the realization that the kids weren’t going to hold us together.  Either we were in or continue being out.  There was no middle.

I have nothing but love for my husband.  He is my college sweetheart.  The love is there but the knowledge that the work lining up with the love is more apparent.  I was one of those sugar cookie kids who got married and had all of this high hopes of what my first year would be. I imagined me leaving love notes all over the place.  I imagined myself just skipping off to the sunset.  I can’t say I didn’t leave  notes in that first year but I probably said more curse words than I had ever before too.  We fought and we fought hard.  I had moments when I thought I would have been better off with an ex.  He and I have talked about this so don’t act like you getting a fresh brew of tea.  You aren’t.  We are human and flawed but perfect for one another.  We have made it through things most people would have been packed up and left. Did I mention my suitcase of clothes for me and the kids that stayed in the car?  Yeah I found myself being a runner.  I run naturally but I found myself running for every little thing.  He came home late, I’m out.  He spent more time with his friends than me, I was out.  Any excuse would tip me over the edge.  I wasn’t ready and if you are like I was, you better count up the cost.

Please know that you can weather the storm through babies, depression, lost of jobs, etc. It will happen.  There’s no escape.  But if you love and truly have love for the woman or man of your dreams, you can do it.  Our motto is “its he and I against the world.”  We know that and live by that.    We had to learn that we were and are on the same team.  Instead of trying to win all the time and seeing the person as an enemy we had to change the mindset.  If you are married you know what I mean.  You know that moment that you ASSume everything.  You know what that usually leads to.  Assumption can lead to more martial strife than anything.  You think you know the person so well that you use what your mind has already told you about what “may” happen and then you go off on that.  I have had plenty of I thought you said arguments than a little bit.  Be clear on what your goals are.  If not than you will find yourself battling for days, weeks even months for something that wasn’t even to be.