Ask Toi: How do I know if I should Give an Ex another chance?

Hi Reader,

Any ex that you would even give 5 second of consideration should be held at a higher standard than anyone you date. You have history together. There is a reason they are an ex.  Remember that!!! For you to entertain them and cut off potential quality people for your future, that ex has to already demonstrate growth that isn’t connected to the potential of a relationship with you.

This means not lip-service of IF we get back together. It has to be an already they are already walking in the light. They should be walking in a certain higher level of growth that is catching your eye and not just them “old feelings” coming back. My husband is an ex, he demonstrated after some years apart that he was walking in growth that was not attached to the idea of us being an us. Can your ex or does your ex walk in growth that if you and him/her do not reconnect he or she will continue to walk in? If you are doubtful of that, the answer is move on. Thank God for the memories, remain cordial, but continue growing so you can walk and find the one whose growth is enough to speak to the growth that you are walking in.

Dating is hard. Going back to someone you once was with is easy but hard to separate the past.  It’s never good to not have a vision for what your life should be. Sometimes an ex doesn’t fit that. Let me give you an example. Before getting with my husband two ex tried to come back. One was married so you can tell the level of integrity that showed on my part to entertain it had I and his for pushing the issue. The other one was homelessexual meaning he had no place and needed resources. They both were great men back in the day for the period of my life I had entertained. They didn’t fit my life anymore. They have both last time I seen them are better or at least I hope they are. Not everyone on memories alone is suitable for your life. When I think about the hardships and the ways I have gotten through them with my husband there is no way it would have worked out with those other men. That’s not shade towards them at all. Do not go back to potential or to what could be. There’s many relationships that come together on what could be that end up in what the hell is….

 

Good luck and make some decisions not based on history or potential.

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Kevin Hart: The Pull Up Chronicles

Every woman is different.  What one woman will put up with doesn’t apply to all.  You never know what you will do until you are in it.  Let me explain why I would be ready to do a pull up edition on Kevin Hart.

The cheating or the act of having sex outside your marriage isn’t the full issue for me. Maybe it should be, but it’s not.  My issue is that Kevin wanted to prove so much to the world that he was the poster boy for changed behavior and KNEW he had been slipping and tipping around with another woman.  For me that is cause for a pull up.  I would be ready to get him on that alone.  He wanted to act as if this new wife was so much better than his last.  He wanted us all to believe he had changed his mind-set so much yet in reality he was doing the cheating in plain view.  Cheating in plain view is when you have a conversation with your mate and denounce people who would do the same. They stay visible.  They are on social media talking about you being the light of their world.  Then without warning the light must have dimmed because they get caught with another person.  Nothing irks a woman more than being embarrassed.  I can say the same for men too.  It’s the type of hurt that won’t go away with flowers and jewelry.  It’s the type of hurt that burns your soul.  You go all out telling others how wonderful your mate is and then you are blindsided.

Listen what Kevin doesn’t understand is his kids are older.  When he cheated his kids may have been unable to read or know what is going on.  However they are in private school.  One thing about private schools is they are usually smaller in attendance and everyone knows everything about each other.  They have to walk around where other kids ask them if its true.  They may feel the need to defend their dad even in his wrong doing.  Once you involve kids in your messy affairs that’s when the gloves comes off as a mother for me. I feel bad for Eniko that she is being embarrassed.  I feel bad that she thought the same way you got em, wasn’t going to be the same way she would lose him. That is a principle in life that doesn’t care about your economic status.

So to Eniko who is pregnant and doesn’t need this stress, have your baby and work in your own mind what you want to do.  We all have opinions but YOU have to live with his cheating and that will always overshadow your relationship.  To other women who are going through this or will, know that cheating is horrible but make your next steps a decision you can live with daily.  Don’t do what others think you should do as they will forget the cheating you can’t!

Any of US Could be Kenneka?

Unless you live under a rock you have heard the story of Kenneka Jenkins, the young lady who was found in a freezer in the Crowne Plaza hotel in Chicago.  This story has had twitter and social media in a frenzy.  She left with a group of friends to attend a party and never came home.  Follow any of the hashtags to follow the story.  Regardless of the distorted facts one fact remained is that she had some extremely horrible “friends” and that she was being brought there to be raped.

Now I have seen the memes floating about how her death and rape has sparked the whole be careful of your friends movement but it makes it seem as if the rapist and murdered of Kenneka deserves a pass?  My thoughts are on what planet?  Just because people are using this story to remind others about their choice of friends that doesn’t mean that the rapists and murder whomever they may be are fine.  The way the information is spilling, the rapists and murders can be her friends.  Everyone in that hotel room should be charged.  Hands down.  I will not dispute that.  It’s not a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Everyone who live streamed it, turned the music to muffle Kenneka’s cries, participated, set it up, and carried it out should be charged.  AND you should STILL watch your friends.

I placed myself in the place of a mother.  I am a mother in real life.  I have two daughters. My oldest child is very lovable and already possesses the thoughts that her friends are great.  However as her mother teaching her right from wrong I am the voice until she has a voice on whom is not for her.  Yes, even at 8 I have had to call out a few of the mean girls.  My daughter goes to private school which means for the most part her classes are small and most of the kids in her class have already been together since Kindergarten.  They hang together in and out of the classroom. If you think that I as a mother am not in her ear telling her, pointing out, and calling out her fake friends you are sadly mistaken.  We ALL have had to deal with those who we thought was real and found it wasn’t remotely true.

I was asked this week have I ever had to deal with fake friends and the answer is HELL YES.  My eyes were opened AFTER something went down.  Whether that was hearing of stories being said tabout me, being left at a party, etc, it has happened.  Or the times I have had a circle of friends who were really friends because we had one mutual friend involved and heard some crap about me that I didn’t tell the group.  These are the very recipes for fake friends.  I do not think Kenneka realized that until her unfortunate death.  I said on my SnapChat and I will say it again, its not just the teenagers we need to worry about it’s the young girls that are my oldest daughters age that already show mean girl attributes.  It’s the grown women who keep stuff going well into their 40s and up. This mean girl mentality can begin at any age.  It doesn’t discriminate so while others are pointing their fingers at Kenneka, remember to re-evaluate your own circle.

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Listen cutting off friends is hard.  It hurts.  It makes your circle smaller.  Here are a few things to watch for:

  1. The “leader” that likes to control off the cards aka the information that is given to the group.  My rule of thumb is that just because we share a mutual friend don’t bring me no news about someone I don’t pick up the phone and call myself.  Do you know how many people talk that let’s pray for her crap and ain’t been in church a month of Sundays.  Stop believing the that’s my sis crap. That same sis is the same one when you get on hard times will give your information to people who don’t even know you.  Rule of thumb even in a group setting, let others tell their own business.  Stop giving in the name of friendship other’s information unless you have permission.
  2. When one or more lie about inviting another but talk about how that one don’t come.  I had that happen recently.  I found out that after all this talking about one “friend” went down the girl wasn’t even invited but the “leader” told everyone they were and then talked bad about them for not coming.  IF they will do it to one they will do it to all
  3. Be still sometimes.  We go to things without asking the right questions.  If you feel something isn’t right, trust what you say and have your own mind.

These are the lessons that even at 8 I have had to share with my daughter.  These will NOT solve fake friends problems but it will open eyes.  We believe anything.  Just because you know someone for a long time don’t always mean they have your best interest in heart. Also to my men you play a HUGE part in some of this.  For the men who use women as bait, stop.  Start having conversations with your son and other young men about respect. Too many women trying to protect each other but not having men stand and rally behind them to do the same.  Sorry your fragile egos can’t take a no but remember at some point, this could have been your daughter, mother, cousin, etc. Keneeka is all of us and I have the deepest sympathy for that mother and family.  I pray that the ones who did this, will come forward and take responsibility soon.  R.I.P Kenneka Jenkins!!

No Accounts

So one of my favorite cousins had a conversation about no accounts.  When we first started talking it was about no account mammies.  Yes I said mammies.  No account mammies are the moms who have kids and don’t take care of them.  The moms who drop they babies off to big momma’s house and be in the club every weekend.  The ones that don’t ever even check on big momma to make sure she need anything.  Always expecting somebody to raise their kids but don’t raise them themselves.  The no account mammies are the ones that have kids and expect the state to take care of them.  These are the kids that get fished into homes other than the one they should be in.  No accounts have a reason for why they do what they do but most don’t take into consideration that at the end of the day a choice was made and a choice was taken.

My cousin and I have these talks all the time.  However the no accounts can really apply to anyone to be honest.  it’s not an attack on women or mothers.  It’s the reality of what happens when people who are too selfish to care about how choices and actions actually interfere with others.  So for the sensitive you might as stop reading now.  I will not sugar coat no account people.  They are all around us.  They could be in your close circle.  This is not to say that you must have a perfect life.  I know myself and others who have had lives that have been filled with tragedy, regret, etc but the choice to end up as a no account person is a personal choice.  I had a conversation with a person yesterday.  They said something that clicked to me.  Without getting into the details it boiled down to level of relationship.  Some people appear to be no account with you because they don’t even value you as anything worth doing better by.  Is that the person’s fault?  Some of it can be.  However could it be the way you allow certain things to be said or how you carry yourself in that relationship that makes the difference?

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We give the no accounts so much credit.  For instance the cash me outside chick.  She is a no account.  Sorry not sorry.  She is slated to make millions of this ghetto vernacular that black folks been accused of acting like but we get the wrong end of the stick.  To be honest she is a disrespectful child that needed her behind kicked  a long time ago.  Yes I said it.  I will not watch a reality show that glorifies her bad behavior.  She needs the right set of parents.  Now she making club appearances.  How?  She isn’t even 21 to enter these premises and making more than most hard-working citizens.  But the dummies of the world put their stamp of approval on her and bam she’s an instant hit.  Miss me with her and her antics.  I am not a hater.  I am on team make your money but if the only claim to fame is because you out here threatening to hit folks but every other time you getting your ass beat than I am in the wrong field.  She is out here making disrespect and foolishness cute.

No accounts care but mostly about themselves.  Have you dated a no account?  The one who every time you bring up stuff they disregard you?  The one that can’t seem to be on time except if it affects him or her?  The one who seems distant but you still working on him?  How much working on him or her do you need to do before you clock out permanently?  Even doctors get in and do what they have to do in surgery.  If the person you like has that much work to be done it may be time for you to consider that surgery time is not even worth it.  Like what are you really going to do with this person?  Convince them?  How is that working out?  Even in marriage the piece of paper that governs and holds your benefits of marriage together can’t make a husband or wife do what you want them to do.  After awhile working on the marriage becomes just exhausting but I know we aren’t supposed to say that because the ones striving towards marriage will feel some type of way.  This is real life.  The glitter and gold of all things eventually wear down.

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Let’s talk about the no account job you have.  Who makes it no account? Does working at McDonald’s make it no account.  Absolutely not. I really have to say this.  Nothing in this world irks me more to hear people who finally get a piece of job saying the most demeaning thing about fast food workers, or janitors.  Do you realize that people need to work.  Where they work has no bearing on who they are or what they can or can’t do.  I hear people say when people don’t have a job that they could have worked at (insert job) but the minute they do they have to deal with the most uppity attitudes because they sold you a burger.  Stop this mess. You have no idea where you can be doing what you have to do for yourself and your family.  This uppity mentality of telling people “he or she better pass me my damn sauce” needs to stop. No matter where you go you will find folks with bad attitudes that’s from the high-rise job to the lowest as well.  So don’t attribute raggedy to someone just because of their job title.  If you treated others well no matter what they do or who they are you yourself would be a lot further in life than where you are and that’s the truth.

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No account friends exist.  I am struggling in this department.  The reason for the struggle is that it has nothing to do with cutting people off.  It’s seeing the shift of friendship and waiting for the shift to complete itself.  No account friends are the ones who never have nothing nice to say.  You bring up something they make it about them.  Or tell you that they been there and then go into the ME fest.  Sometimes you need to just hear “let me know how I can help you.” Just because you did it one way doesn’t mean you have to speak ill about something and someone you call a friend.  No account friends start when friends forget to treat each other the way you want to be treated.  Not just when you feel needed and have a god complex that you are now saving the world.  No account friends have to be dealt with by cutting them out of your life.  Getting cut hurts.  So the emotions you feel behind it is real.  However what can you do with a no account friend? Nothing if your honest.  They don’t serve a purpose but frustrate the gifts, talents, and love you could be giving to another human being and get the same in return.

You have the power to end the no account cycle.  It doesn’t matter what your title in life is trust me being a no account person or continuing to deal with a no account person will only lead you into a place of continued frustration.  You will be dark and angry without knowing why and all along it was because you had all of the negative energy around you.  Take your life into your own hands in that you do what is absolutely best.  You have a right to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind.  However your struggle with the factors that you don’t think you can change.  Its going to hurt.  You will miss the negativity.  Yes you will.  You are used to it. Like for instance I was used to certain behaviors from others.  So the minute I took charge and ended it I still longed for it.  This is the part about change people don’t talk about.  They make it seem as if you change and then you just keep on trucking.  That’s not true especially when you been around something for so long.  However like my grandma would say to hell with it and folks.  You have to keep walking away, stay away, and command respect in your own life and how you deal with others and especially in how you allow others to handle you.  How you allow others to handle you is super important.  Often times when you allow folks to do anything the only one mad is YOU.  You know better.  You feel it’s not right.  You know you don’t like it than stop it.  It can be on a little scale or large one, end the mess today.  Take into account the no accounts in your life.

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People are walking around full of sorrow.  Some of it is from what they have done.  Let me give you a nugget for your past.  If you DID it already and have made strides to do better and changed your life around know two things.

  1. It’s over
  2. People do not have to validate your change.  You do not need an amen corner to push you along to the best parts of your life.  Walk alone if you have to but stop waiting for acknowledgement of change that may not come.

If you are walking around with sorrow in your heart because you lack friendship and you want to be connected as most of us do, put out the very personality and love you want to receive.  When it comes back to you tainted know that who you attempted to connect with or have been connected to is the wrong one. Another free nugget of wisdom, the amount of time you have been connected with a person or group of persons is never a reason to stay in a no account relationship.  Why do you think that people who have been married for 25 years end? It could be they held on for selfish reasons like making the kids happy.  It could  be that they weren’t financially in a place to end things.  This happens more often than you think.  Walking around in the wilderness of any relationship being faithful to it because of amount of years knowing it no longer served you is craziness.  Don’t get discouraged.  Keep on going. The right ones with the right spirit will link up and it will be like being thirsty in a desert and finding water for the first time.  Your issue is in the mean time of that happening.  Continue on your goals, fine tuning your crafts, finding your gift to the world and taking care of your home. Your home also means your spirit, your well-being, and what makes you whole.

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Our hearts ache…

Good morning

I am still fine tuning some of the articles and women that we will show case this month. There are a few things we must talk about that kind of are back bones of us all male or female.  Our parents.  Yes the parents that you have and the atmosphere for how you were raised sets the forever tone of your existence.  Don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be what your environment says you are but those who break from it do it because they work hard. It’s not something that you just do and its super easy.  Only those who know better will do better.  Those who know better and don’t make that choice.  We all have choices.

What I love about this women’s month s that women are realizing more and more everyday that they are capable of anything.  One of the things is left unchecked is our hearts.  You can be a CEO of a big company and still have missing pieces of your heart that never really get filled.  Let’s explore this more in detail.

Parents

How you’re raised says a lot.  If you were in a single parent home you can be strong but admit that there was a few things that you missed.  Having 2 involved parents is key. Involved parents who care about their children give children a level of confidence that can’t be described.  They are usually more adjusted than those who are not.  That doesn’t mean that 2 parent home kids are perfect and don’t have struggles because we ALL know they can.  Having one of your parents absent for whatever reason is a struggle. You long for their presence.  A child feels like they are the reason or feel unloved.  That unloved feeling can have them reach for things in their life that isn’t healthy but it can also have them replace things too.  For instance, a child could possibly turn to drugs to fill it but what is the difference between a person who reaches for drugs, sex, relationships or even things like education which seem to be good.  Yes even things that come off as being a better option can be damaging as well.  A person who school becomes their solace may get so wrapped into school that they aren’t even going for reasons to better themselves but just want to go to keep busy.  What happens when they can’t get any more degrees? They end up substituting something else in its place. There is nothing wrong with education. The point is that lack of one thing can make you gravitate towards anything to fulfill a need. Parents are needed to help develop everyone.  There are men and women out here needing the love of their parent and hurting in their lives because of it.

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One of the other things surrounding parents is when a parent passes away.  The hole that is left is indescribable.  There are some wounded people walking around.  Parents passing feels like you yourself have passed away and especially if it’s a mother.  That void never is right.  Some people respond to death in different ways.  Some people seem fine but literally are never back to their usual selfs even years later.  What you see as someone “acting out” could be them showcasing their hurt.  What we label people does matter.  I know of plenty who called others all kinds of stuff but had no idea that the one they were talking about was in deep hurt. If you do NOT know a person. I mean the  type of know where you know their blood type and you see them being whatever in your mind to help, remember two things: you aren’t perfect and you need to attempt to aid in their healing and not in their down fall.  To many times the ones that want to help aka talk behind people’s back especially in the name of prayer are the ones who need the deepest of knee time.  Stay in your lane if you aren’t equipped to assist those in real love.

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Past relationships

You can break things off with someone and still feel like you don’t have to go and collect pieces of you all over the country.  However some bad breakups can leave people so super wounded that they cut off a new budding love from even coming into their lives. We all have seen the super jaded person.  They seem so super closed off, bitter, and every negative thing you can think of.  I know some people who have called women especially everything from hoes and bitches.  The reason that irks me is for a few reasons, I’m not going to lie I have wanted to call another woman a bitch.  It isn’t right but depending on what took place that is how I felt.  However this is why I check myself.  Calling another woman out of her name won’t fix the problem.  So if I say it or a man says it, does that make the person saying it feel better?  No.  That woman can be a lot of things but I attempt to stick to the situation inside of defaulting to bitch.

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When you break up and the “gloves” come off is when either that woman can move forward and began healing or get caught in the back and forth of labeling. Same for men who women want to call everything but what they momma named them.  Break up sucks.Keep this rule in mind, if you don’t want to be called out your name refrain from doing the same.  The second thing is yes the pain is strong but knowing you walked away without having to stoop to the other person’s level means a lot.  It helps in your healing so while sorrys need to be given you won’t have to dish any out on the basis of an argument gone sour especially when 9 tines out of 10 first breakups result in getting back together.

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Choices

There are a million ways a heart can be broken.  We obviously didn’t talk about them all.  There is one person responsible for our healing is that is us.  YES, us.  It seems unfair that others can be the cruelest and leave scars that we have to work through but the reality is that no one will come in and fix it but you.  You can say that you are one way due to all kinds of factors but trust me when I say even the most supportive get tired of hearing the same stories.  People check out.  We often think they shouldn’t but they should.  People don’t know how to do deal with broken pieces.  People are dealing with enough even if you think that aren’t.  Even in a marriage we put emphasis on them to be there but reality is they can’t fill your broken parts.  You will never get the full response from them.  If you try to keep pushing for it you and you alone will be looking crazy.  Someone love for you can’t be measured in terms on how much junk from your pass you can dump ob them and they push the layers off of you.  Even if you are doing your work to get it off of you, keep going. Your partner can have empathy but they aren’t built to be a fixer upper.  This walk may have to be walked alone.  Stop destroying your relationships by giving people the title of Mr. Fix it that don’t want it.  They were designed to walk with you not hold your bags and love on you two.  They are also not to use your bags or baggage against you either.

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Check you.  It’s not an easy thing.  Professionals help people heal but again they assist not do the work, how much less pressure do we need to talk off those around us who have not one degree?  Ladies especially we have to fight through the garbage that has been dumped into and on our lives.  No it’s not fair but life isn’t fair. Would you rather be whole or walk with your holes where you and everyone can see? Take charge and know that life hurts. Know that things aren’t going to be easy.  But you can take charge of your life.  DO it today.

 

Ask Toi: My ex got in contact with me to tell me that I am miserable its messing with my head,what can I do?

There’s something I learned I believe from my mom, you can’t stop people from calling (back then you couldn’t) but you can choose who you answer.  You do NOT need to entertain your ex’s shenanigans.

Even if that was true why are you listening to an ex?  Why are you keeping the doors of communication open?  I have ex boyfriends that I wish them well, however we aren’t anywhere sitting up chit chatting about my life in the least way.  I am good.  It’s not just because I am married that I don’t entertain an ex.  I did the same for the most part when I was single. I married my ex so I can’t say I totally cut them off.  However I didn’t allow any type of defeating and negative talk.  If you don’t like what your ex says don’t answer your ex.  Now back in the day when my mom told me this advice we didn’t have the fancy cell phones that we have now.  Now we can block calls and text messages with a simple push of a button.  You can block on social media.  You can block on emails.  So if you continue to take in the garbage that your ex is spewing you have to take the responsibility of saying that although negative there is a part of you that likes it.

No one should be calling you up with drama.  However the more you feed drama it only gets worst.  Cut it off and see what happens.  A real cut off is inviting peace back in your space.  FYI an ex that told you how miserable just wants to get under your skin and is miserable themselves.  Remember misery loves company so don’t feed into it.  Also if you are really in love with this ex and this ex has a soul tie or is a person you can’t seem to shake out of your spirit, here’s my advice:

  1. Cut them off-you need space and clarity no matter how long its been since you two were an item.  If he or she is truly the one for you then later on down the line and some time apart will help determine that
  2. Seek counseling-sometimes what we seek in others whether positive or negative isn’t really supposed to come from others but you.  You have to be strong and whole no matter what you do
  3. Take some healing time-get over this ex.  That doesn’t happen overnight.  The person you once were before you met this person may not ever come back fully but find out what you like or don’t like.  Date yourself.  Motivate yourself.  Love yourself so when love comes knocking you can recognize.  Love doesn’t hurt in the physical or emotional sense either

I hope this helps.  Good luck!