Operating In Offense

So today I was reminded of what it looks like to operate in offense. Operating in offense is when you are so offended by someone or something that you can’t hear what others are saying to you. You are snippy, rude, loud and angry. Not one thing is heard from that moment. You aren’t willing to see someone else because you have taken the focus off of the issue and made it about self.  This is a self-righteous stance. There is nothing that will be gained walking in offense.  The world is really walking in offense. A lot of it is real and some of it comes from a deep seeded place that needs to be healed.

Now I wasn’t the person operating in offense today but I was able to see the old me through the eyes of the other person’s offense. Like many who have attempted to speak to me in moments of rage, anger, etc. in the past,  I saw what its like talking to a wounded person. You can’t heal that situation or person until you deal with their pain. Period. I don’t care how many cute quotes, speeches, etc. you give, they aren’t going to listen. I think about some of my past hurt prior to counseling and I seen how extremely closed off I was. Not willing to hear a person because all I kept focusing on  was myself.  Today I was hit with that same reality. I was humbled and blessed to see that for one I had real growth. The old me would have dipped into offense and gave folks a run for their money. My mouth is for sure a sword. I know this about me and with that mindset I do all I can to check myself first before handing out a 2 piece!  I listened to them and saw them for their pain and gifted them grace.  Isn’t it funny how you will confront yourself in another form down the line?

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Photo by Demeter Attila on Pexels.com

I gave the person the grace that wasn’t extended to me. This is probably the part that I struggle with the most. Not giving of grace, because my life is a grace walk, but knowing that lack of maturity didn’t allow or wont allow people to see my past issues as simply me walking in offense. My ability to see myself works wonders for me NOW.  My biggest challenge is feeling like I have to apologize a thousand times and do emotional backflips for folks to see growth. I have now come or am coming to peace with the notion that after you take a step back some folks won’t see you for your growth because they never wanted to see you grow in the first place. They saw the offense and used it to get off their chest what they had in them the whole time.  As I watched the situation unfold this morning and while I stayed calm I just said let me gift this grace. Let me not get offended at their offense. Let me let time, maturity, and step back. It will be fixed eventually. We all have to check ourselves and walk without sometimes getting the apology that we think we need or want. I couldn’t get through to the person this morning.  I probably wont for some time. I can’t do anything past their offense. That is a hard pill to swallow but such is life.  Eventually I pray they have their moment like I had to have mine. Hurt people or offended people can’t operate with your best interest in mind until they deal with their issues.  It doesn’t matter how old or young, how smart, etc. We all have a responsibility to do our daily work and check ourselves.

My message for anyone  who is  walking in offense, you will not grow and heal until you deal with you. I could give you a virtual high-five over your offense. You could be like YASSSS SIS I was right to be offended. I did that to and justified my responses, but the truth is that the offense was there to help you grow. It wasn’t so you could prove anything. It was there to make you whole. Once you tap into that you really will have deep seeded change.

 

I know this sounds super deep on Wednesday when you were just grateful for simply surviving your week but it is a necessary nugget. Sometime you are fighting a person and its like punching air. You are attempting to get through to someone who isn’t ready to receive because they cant get past their offense or even their general disdain of you to keep it real. This is across ALL relationships. Even romantic ones. If you and your boo is always up in arms its because instead of hearing you are defending your offense. You are coming to the table of communication with your guard up so high nothing is reaching past this imaginary wall of offense. That’s what happened today. (FYI I am not talking about my husband) That wall was so high it would have taken Olympic size strides to overpower it.

Today was interesting to say the least especially since it’s not even noon but remember when you head is on right, your at peace in your life, its not just so you can be in a peace bubble.  You will see you and either be grateful for change or have to say ouch and be the change. To the person I encountered today that was and is walking in offense, I pray that you have your moment of inner clarity. I wish you the best as my peace remains!

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Power in the Clouds…..

So I am feeling a lot better. I was under the weather taking care of my sick husband and I ended up getting what he had.  I do not think it was the flu as I was able to recover a lot sooner than he did.  I am grateful for being able to have a little down time but now as I get better its time to work.

There has been a lot going on in the world. So let’s dive in. I  was able to catch the 60th Grammy Show this past Sunday. There were a lot of great performances and of course the Me Too movement continues on as it should.  I haven’t made a public statement on it but it’s about time that these men who are using their power against women be stopped.  So many women endure so many things ranging from sexual harassment to rape to get ahead or simply exist. I wish above all that young ladies and women weren’t subject to this type of behavior.  It sickens me to think of my own daughters having to endure such abuse in any form.  However the down side to it too is that there will be a few women use this movement for the wrong reason. My prayer is that all women would be safe no matter where they are.  Shout out to all the ladies in the world taking a stand in public and in private! May the fight continue!

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So I wasn’t able to do a Sunday message or a Monday motivation message due to me not feeling well.  Let me say that discouragement is always around us no matter what.  It’s hard to do but we must all constantly check the messages we surround ourselves around.  What we listen to and entertain is super important.  No matter what type of journey in life you are on, discouragement is always in our faces.  Look at how the world is shaped, you log onto your computer and negativity is always present.  I try my best to be sure that I change what I take in and especially what my kids take in. I shield my spirit first.  This way I can assist them in what they need.  Be careful to clean up your social media actions.  Stop debating with everyone. Everything ain’t a fight. Sometimes letting someone have that last word is necessary for your own growth. Do you know how many people get off on saying they told you off? A LOT. Let them eat cake! You got enough time on your hands to build you.  You don’t always have time to build others.  I am not saying don’t be inspirational, I am saying your cup has to be full.  Drink from your cup.

I find that the mind is the playground of excuses too.  Sometimes you are having a bad day not because of the outside elements but because your mind is telling you something is going to be a certain way.  Doubt and fear are festering in an unchecked mindset.  You and you alone have the power to check that.  So check it! This may be a Tuesday but to someone they struggled hard during their Monday not because it was a Monday but because they are overwhelmed emotionally and spiritually and feel lost. Feeling lost is real.  It’s a feeling of despair.  It robs you of joy and happiness and it makes you scared.  Fear is debilitating. I have felt that pain many times.  That pain that makes you want to stay in bed and cry.  Getting up is easy but hard at the same time but you have to get up.  This isn’t just in the physical sense but the mental and emotional sense of the word too.  Whatever you lack can be fixed.  It can be achieved.  It is there inside of you.  Just do what you feel you must and try. If you woke up your answers are going to come to you as you make moves.  You were given a unique opportunity to make today better than yesterday.

I have had times when trying was all I had and then something happened, I got stronger. I had one situation line up and then slowly sometimes like a crock pot slow, things lined up.  It wasn’t a fast fix.  It wasn’t a microwave, convenient fix, it was a slow fix. The light didn’t shine when I woke up, sometimes only a few clouds move. If you are there you know what I am talking about.  The same power that comes in the sun is the same power in the clouds. never forget that!  Be encouraged today and everyday!

 

Ask Toi: How Do I Work Through Loneliness?

Its hard.  Let’s acknowledge that.  Sometimes we dive into things so I wanted to acknowledge that frustrating feeling. It can be an uneasy feeling to feel like you have no one in your court. In order to work through it you have to work on it and do it actively.

So let’s help you:

You have to be clear what you mean when you say you’re lonely.  Do you lack friendships?  Do you lack companionship?  Is it both.  Knowing what you lack will help you attack the problem and at least become less lonely.  There is no way to fill all voids and some people would tell you to make yourself busy but I find that is only a very temporary fix.

The key to being lonely is to find out if you’re willing to take the steps to become less lonely.  It’s 2018 and a lot of folks say they are lonely and do not really want to fix it.  They like to be lonely and miserable.  You don’t have to be both.  You can have lonely moments but not have a miserable existence. So if you want to be around where people are, you have to get around the people.  This takes courage.  You have to be willing to try new adventures and new places.  You can’t simply wish and pray about it, you have to get up and get to where new things are.  Have you tried a new place in your city?  Taken a trip to a place you have never been? Gotten a hobby?  Any of these things will give you a step in the right direction.  You have to be willing to be open.  You can go to a new location and keep yourself secluded.  In order to have a friend or a romantic interest you have to come off as someone approachable.

Another issue is to deal with what lead you to being lonely.  There are seasons of our lives that won’t allow us to be able to be attached to a lot of people. You also need to look at what having others around you looks like.  Is it that you only have a few friends and you want more?  Have you outgrown where you have been in the past?  Think about these things.

  1. Get out: do not overbook yourself but try to do two activities that make you step out of your norm.  Be engaging while there!
  2. Get to the bottom of what you really want. Sometimes the loneliness will make itself known but reality its unfulfilled issues within yourself that you need to deal with.
  3. Are you just a talker or a doer?  If you simply want to complain about the boredness or do you want to resolve the issue?
  4. Are you boring?  Sometimes we want others to make activities for us and we aren’t willing to set our own activities or follow through any of them as well.

Loneliness hurts.  It sucks at times.  You have to be willing to do some looking in to ask yourself a lot of the key question.  You may need to be real as to what your goals really are? You may have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone.  You need to lighten up and step out and be willing to take a few risks.

No Accounts

So one of my favorite cousins had a conversation about no accounts.  When we first started talking it was about no account mammies.  Yes I said mammies.  No account mammies are the moms who have kids and don’t take care of them.  The moms who drop they babies off to big momma’s house and be in the club every weekend.  The ones that don’t ever even check on big momma to make sure she need anything.  Always expecting somebody to raise their kids but don’t raise them themselves.  The no account mammies are the ones that have kids and expect the state to take care of them.  These are the kids that get fished into homes other than the one they should be in.  No accounts have a reason for why they do what they do but most don’t take into consideration that at the end of the day a choice was made and a choice was taken.

My cousin and I have these talks all the time.  However the no accounts can really apply to anyone to be honest.  it’s not an attack on women or mothers.  It’s the reality of what happens when people who are too selfish to care about how choices and actions actually interfere with others.  So for the sensitive you might as stop reading now.  I will not sugar coat no account people.  They are all around us.  They could be in your close circle.  This is not to say that you must have a perfect life.  I know myself and others who have had lives that have been filled with tragedy, regret, etc but the choice to end up as a no account person is a personal choice.  I had a conversation with a person yesterday.  They said something that clicked to me.  Without getting into the details it boiled down to level of relationship.  Some people appear to be no account with you because they don’t even value you as anything worth doing better by.  Is that the person’s fault?  Some of it can be.  However could it be the way you allow certain things to be said or how you carry yourself in that relationship that makes the difference?

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We give the no accounts so much credit.  For instance the cash me outside chick.  She is a no account.  Sorry not sorry.  She is slated to make millions of this ghetto vernacular that black folks been accused of acting like but we get the wrong end of the stick.  To be honest she is a disrespectful child that needed her behind kicked  a long time ago.  Yes I said it.  I will not watch a reality show that glorifies her bad behavior.  She needs the right set of parents.  Now she making club appearances.  How?  She isn’t even 21 to enter these premises and making more than most hard-working citizens.  But the dummies of the world put their stamp of approval on her and bam she’s an instant hit.  Miss me with her and her antics.  I am not a hater.  I am on team make your money but if the only claim to fame is because you out here threatening to hit folks but every other time you getting your ass beat than I am in the wrong field.  She is out here making disrespect and foolishness cute.

No accounts care but mostly about themselves.  Have you dated a no account?  The one who every time you bring up stuff they disregard you?  The one that can’t seem to be on time except if it affects him or her?  The one who seems distant but you still working on him?  How much working on him or her do you need to do before you clock out permanently?  Even doctors get in and do what they have to do in surgery.  If the person you like has that much work to be done it may be time for you to consider that surgery time is not even worth it.  Like what are you really going to do with this person?  Convince them?  How is that working out?  Even in marriage the piece of paper that governs and holds your benefits of marriage together can’t make a husband or wife do what you want them to do.  After awhile working on the marriage becomes just exhausting but I know we aren’t supposed to say that because the ones striving towards marriage will feel some type of way.  This is real life.  The glitter and gold of all things eventually wear down.

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Let’s talk about the no account job you have.  Who makes it no account? Does working at McDonald’s make it no account.  Absolutely not. I really have to say this.  Nothing in this world irks me more to hear people who finally get a piece of job saying the most demeaning thing about fast food workers, or janitors.  Do you realize that people need to work.  Where they work has no bearing on who they are or what they can or can’t do.  I hear people say when people don’t have a job that they could have worked at (insert job) but the minute they do they have to deal with the most uppity attitudes because they sold you a burger.  Stop this mess. You have no idea where you can be doing what you have to do for yourself and your family.  This uppity mentality of telling people “he or she better pass me my damn sauce” needs to stop. No matter where you go you will find folks with bad attitudes that’s from the high-rise job to the lowest as well.  So don’t attribute raggedy to someone just because of their job title.  If you treated others well no matter what they do or who they are you yourself would be a lot further in life than where you are and that’s the truth.

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No account friends exist.  I am struggling in this department.  The reason for the struggle is that it has nothing to do with cutting people off.  It’s seeing the shift of friendship and waiting for the shift to complete itself.  No account friends are the ones who never have nothing nice to say.  You bring up something they make it about them.  Or tell you that they been there and then go into the ME fest.  Sometimes you need to just hear “let me know how I can help you.” Just because you did it one way doesn’t mean you have to speak ill about something and someone you call a friend.  No account friends start when friends forget to treat each other the way you want to be treated.  Not just when you feel needed and have a god complex that you are now saving the world.  No account friends have to be dealt with by cutting them out of your life.  Getting cut hurts.  So the emotions you feel behind it is real.  However what can you do with a no account friend? Nothing if your honest.  They don’t serve a purpose but frustrate the gifts, talents, and love you could be giving to another human being and get the same in return.

You have the power to end the no account cycle.  It doesn’t matter what your title in life is trust me being a no account person or continuing to deal with a no account person will only lead you into a place of continued frustration.  You will be dark and angry without knowing why and all along it was because you had all of the negative energy around you.  Take your life into your own hands in that you do what is absolutely best.  You have a right to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind.  However your struggle with the factors that you don’t think you can change.  Its going to hurt.  You will miss the negativity.  Yes you will.  You are used to it. Like for instance I was used to certain behaviors from others.  So the minute I took charge and ended it I still longed for it.  This is the part about change people don’t talk about.  They make it seem as if you change and then you just keep on trucking.  That’s not true especially when you been around something for so long.  However like my grandma would say to hell with it and folks.  You have to keep walking away, stay away, and command respect in your own life and how you deal with others and especially in how you allow others to handle you.  How you allow others to handle you is super important.  Often times when you allow folks to do anything the only one mad is YOU.  You know better.  You feel it’s not right.  You know you don’t like it than stop it.  It can be on a little scale or large one, end the mess today.  Take into account the no accounts in your life.

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People are walking around full of sorrow.  Some of it is from what they have done.  Let me give you a nugget for your past.  If you DID it already and have made strides to do better and changed your life around know two things.

  1. It’s over
  2. People do not have to validate your change.  You do not need an amen corner to push you along to the best parts of your life.  Walk alone if you have to but stop waiting for acknowledgement of change that may not come.

If you are walking around with sorrow in your heart because you lack friendship and you want to be connected as most of us do, put out the very personality and love you want to receive.  When it comes back to you tainted know that who you attempted to connect with or have been connected to is the wrong one. Another free nugget of wisdom, the amount of time you have been connected with a person or group of persons is never a reason to stay in a no account relationship.  Why do you think that people who have been married for 25 years end? It could be they held on for selfish reasons like making the kids happy.  It could  be that they weren’t financially in a place to end things.  This happens more often than you think.  Walking around in the wilderness of any relationship being faithful to it because of amount of years knowing it no longer served you is craziness.  Don’t get discouraged.  Keep on going. The right ones with the right spirit will link up and it will be like being thirsty in a desert and finding water for the first time.  Your issue is in the mean time of that happening.  Continue on your goals, fine tuning your crafts, finding your gift to the world and taking care of your home. Your home also means your spirit, your well-being, and what makes you whole.

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Ask Toi: My husband cheated and now wants to go to counseling after months of asking. I don’t want to go now because I feel like it’s after the point. I also don’t want to sit and hear about how sorry he is now when I don’t believe him….

Well first of all let me say how sorry I am that you have been put in this situation.  First of all let me acknowledge that how you feel is real and honest.  I am quite sure that was your rated G version that you expressed.  Cheating is horrible.  It hurt.  It cuts.  The wound that cheating brings is not easily fixable.  My thing is for you is not just not simply not go. I would go ONLY if you really want to.  You may not want to hear the sordid details of what happened.  That may be just how you feel now.  Cheating can and will give you so many emotions at one time and then those emotions will be ever-changing.

I would go just to see what he wants to put on the table.  Him not going before now and now wanting to go means that he believes this will save your marriage.  If you have a good counselor they will let you both know that simply showing up for the sessions will not fix your marriage.  Counseling doesn’t erase pain.  It actually takes the band-aid of your relationship off and makes you look at it.  You can after you do that decide that cheating is a deal breaker.  You may decide that you don’t want your husband back.  Cheating changes the person who does it but also the one holding the emotional bags afterwards.  That’s why usually the one who cheated wants you to hurry up and process this and move on.  It’s easier to say you want to be done with it after you create it.  I will tell you one thing if you can’t get over it and after time has gone by and you still feel the need to bring it up due to real unforgiveness you have to do what you have to do.  We tell women to forgive.  We tell them that they should deal but reality is that NO ONE deserves to be cheated on.  To men it’s simply an act, to women it’s an act of betrayal.  There are relationships that claim they forgive but bring it up all the time because they think they are in the right to do so because they are hurt.  You can forgive and love still and still want to be out of that type of disrespectful relationship.

I can’t say I know his why.  He knows his why and maybe he finds a way to communicate that to you.  I would say what you feel is real.  It’s like having to watch him pour out his heart NOW but didn’t want to do a lot of communicating that could have saved this pain from your life before it began.  It feels as if you are being punished.  Relationships are hard but the one thing you did when you say you are marrying another person is to find a way to be an adult and communicate and if you can’t stay married for the right reasons, speak up to those sentiments.  One thing I can tell you is that counseling can help you heal even if that means healing together is not going to take place.  I pray for your healing.  I pray that you and your husband can get to a better place together even if you don’t end up together. This journey is yours as much as it is his.  Feel what you need to, this too is a part of the process.  NO one can tell you how to go through this.  You will feel alone, angry, hurt, sad, and sometimes at the same time.  You may not even be able to tell those that are closest to you how you feel or what is going on.  Be careful in who you confide in.  Remember that those who you speak to will push you one way or the other.  You hold your own spirit.  It doesn’t matter what others think, you ALONE have to stay in this or leave.  No one will be there to get you through the way you are going to want them to be.  Friends say they will be there but have their own lives.  Do not make a decision based upon what your friends say they would do because when they get it in they have no idea how they will really respond.  Love on yourself.  Regardless of what took place, his cheating was HIS doing.  He alone is wrong and you don’t have to take on HIS cheating as your own. He is grown and made a choice.  This didn’t happen by accident.  He is wrong.

 

Self Love

Self love will look different, sound different, taste different, etc to different people. Self love means by the very definition is about loving yourself.  The broadest definition of self-love is learning how to care for you, what you need, how much you need, and being okay to not limit how often you love on yourself. How you achieve the goal will be the unique marker for each individual person.

If you are in a relationship and you are finding that the person that YOU selected isn’t loving on you the way that you want, do some things about it.  For instance, if self-love looks like you taking some me time, that’s what you need to do. In relationships we all need our own time but when you don’t have enough self love and aren’t being active in your self love, the second your mate isn’t doing what he or she needs you get upset.  What you haven’t recognized is that you may not have loved on yourself and therefore what you lack isn’t love from an outside source but from yourself.  Your personal love cup is empty.

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This is a new journey that I am taking.  When you start to love yourself even the mundane everyday interactions that you tolerated before will cause your eyes to open.  You start setting limits on how much time you are in one place because you see that the person or location no longer serves you.  This is the by-product of loving you.  Our society always seems to put more on an emphasis on what others do, how they do, and when but not enough on what you require, how often, and when.  Change the way you look at yourself.

When you self-love you can see your flaws, work towards making them better, but still embrace them. Self love isn’t always a come to Jesus moment either.  Self love also involves making some drastic changes and changes that sting and hurt in the beginning. For instance, how can you love on you but don’t care what you consume?  These type of bad habits have to stop when you love on you more. Tap into what YOU need and not what people have set limitations for what THEY think you need.  If a part of you needs to finish school so that can be a goal that you cross off for you, than do that.

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I was walking in the store this morning.  I heard a woman tell the cashier how her husband doesn’t like it when she reads.  First thing that came to mind was what in the unholy hell is that?  How can a man tell his wife that he doesn’t like her reading. Then I stopped because I have no idea what is going on in their home, if it’s a cultural thing, or if she really is in an unsafe environment.  What I did hear is that she said that what he wanted didn’t stop her. She gets up early almost an hour before he does and reads anyway in another room.  She takes books to her job and uses her lunch time.  She uses her E-reader to read and he thinks she is web surfing.  I could go in on her oppressed like home, but she did something about it that made her happy in spite of the environment she was in. What about you who aren’t living in an oppressed environment.  Are you willing to get up early, stay up late, change your schedule, make yourself temporarily uncomfortable to give YOU what you need?  I mean apart of the process of self-love is learning how to tune out the negative thoughts that come from you and those who you seem to want approval from.

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Self love should be the first love you master and re-master over and over again.  This will take loveless relationships and end them fast.  You can’t dip yourself in love and allow someone to give you less than what you give yourself.  Maybe you need to re-check your self-love meter.  If you compromise on you than don’t go off on someone else who does what you allow them and you to do to yourself.  Have you ever been asked what makes you happy but don’t have an answer to give?  I am not talking about winning the lottery.  I am talking about the type of things that make you happy that money can’t buy yet when asked you go blank.  Your self love bank is empty and you need a refill.  What makes you happy? What are your passions?  What makes you at peace when the world is going to hell in a handbag?  I am going to clue you in even as a wife and mom although I love my titles, it’s going to have to be more than changing some diapers and loving on my husband to make me happy.  Relationships change and kids grow.  Simply and only being caught up in either title will leave my self love meter empty.  Why do you think the divorce rate is high when couples get into the empty nest phase.  One they may have not put in enough energy in their relationships or themselves.  However it rolls out to be, self love is the MOST important love you will ever encounter.

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Lazy Ass Friends

So let me make my disclaimer early.  This is not to be used to have a bunch of friends texting, emailing, or calling me to find out what they may or may not have done.  If it don’t apply let it fly.  But in general there is always a few friends you have to fall back from.  Like seriously do some matrix type stuff from.  They are always so super self-absorbed to give two damns about what is going on in your life but have the laundry list of things to tell you about theirs.  Some of these I like to call lazy asses.  I know this isn’t the language you are expected but let’s be real, we all know a few of them and to be honest there really isn’t a better way to describe.

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Real friends bend over backwards for one another.  That means the tables don’t always tilt one way or another all the time.  Depending on the way life sets your or your friend’s life, things can go any way it needs to be.  These are friends who are tried and true.  The ones you don’t have to speak to for months and you can pick up as if nothing ever happened. Then insert the lazy ones.  You either hear from them all the time or never.  They haven’t proven to be anything but miserable people to begin with.  They don’t ever have nothing good going on in their lives.  You think my God you mean even if its been months nothing has gone your way?  Yes sadly some people draw the attraction of drama into their lives.  I used to be a lazy ass friend and a lazy ass period when it came to others so I know what I am talking about.  The issue isn’t being a lazy ass its in changing it.

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How would you like to have someone flaked on your ALL the time?  To have someone always telling you how miserable they are as a person and you have to endure countless hours of foolishness?  Oh not so much.  This isn’t appealing.  It’s not what you signed up for?  Oh my bad.  Yes life sucks.  I too have been hit a few million times but to be honest no one wants to be the friend of a Debbie Downer.  It’s actually draining.  If they say to inspect the friends you have and that the company you keep speaks volumes, than we all need to do some self inspection.  You know why the memes friend goals is such a thing, it’s because we aren’t used to having dope friends around us.  I have a group of associates and these girls come together and keep each other in their lives.  They do holidays, they take trips, they talk to each other and generally like each other.  They are single, some married, some with kids, some with demanding careers, but no matter what they are there.  If you look at your friends and can’t say they are dope something is wrong with you. A lot of my friends don’t live in the same city.  We talk all the time.  We catch up.  We make time.  We send cards to each other to encourage each other.  We conference call and are active.  They traveled states to be with me and my husband when his mother passed. They made food.  They were there.

Family can’t be chosen.  I have tried but I keep coming up short in the prayer department to replace a few of them.  However with friendships it’s a personal choice.  You personally chose Debbie Downer to be someone you can confide in.  How does that work?  Debbie Downers usually won’t even have a compliment to give.  They tear themselves down so how much more you?  You say you are pregnant and they say good for you I wouldn’t want to have a child with your sorry husband.  You say you got a new job and they say well it’s not mine.  If you are a Debbie Downer please listen up there is hope but YOU have to want to change.  When someone is telling you of their accomplishments let them have their moments. Friends don’t try to steal the spotlight.  They let you have your own and truly celebrate YOU.  They don’t bring you down or try to compete.  A friend is a support system. If you can’t be relied on in good and bad times than do NOT be mad when you get cut off.  I have had to cut a few friends off.  They weren’t real friends or their time in my life had expired. Everyone isn’t meant a permanent ride in your life and it doesn’t matter that you have known them your whole life.

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So the question becomes is your friend in a different season but overall is a good friend then a simple conversation and change can take place.  Good friends can admit where they are wrong and move forward.  You will know if friend is a bad friend because the second you talk to them, they will confrontational.  They will tell you if I am no good for you than bye. Really?  Yes.  This friend’s expiration date has already ran out.  The writing has been on the wall.  It’s time to clear out who you call friends this year.  You will find that negative energy costs too much to maintain anyway.  Get rid of it no matter what form it comes in.

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