How Long Should You Continue to Make Excuses for Adults?

I saw this question posed and it intrigued me. So examples of excuses for adults could be that family member that is always in and out of jail. The notion to say well they had a rough up bringing so that is why they are like “that.” I do agree your childhood and upbringing if left not dealt with will constantly come back to your memory and life. Butttttt when is enough, enough? When is that family or friend held responsible for their actions? Does everyone have to make excuses to soften the blow of the act committed? I would say no. I would say adults should be held accountable for thier actions and if you choose to make excuses due to your heart strings being attached that is fine. Please don’t make that a matter of fact for others to follow suit.

So let me dip into myself because its safer to speak on me than for me to give examples of others. If I have been dealing with issues in life and continue to make excuses and rebuttals for bad behavior, eventually the man-made grace that we extend to those around us will run out. This simply means that my friends and family will to a certain degree get tired of the mess that I continue to implode on others. As an adult I can have validity in my past as reasons to go back and mark a yes check mark on my actions. However as an adult it is also my personal responsibility to deal with myself so that what is going on inside of my life doesn’t spill out to others.

Many people believe that their issues are contained and it doesn’t spill out to others. This is false. Often times whatever you have on your heart will always spill out. This is why I personally take accountability now regarding what I say and do. I try to teach my kids the same. Instead of saying I didn’t mean it say I meant what I said and I apologize that I haven’t dealt with my issues. Everyone I know literally hates when you don’t take responsibility for mean things said. I think its insulting to others not to. So adults if you can read this we ALL have things that we need to deal with. Its our responsibility to deal with them. You can not continue to walk in absurdity and make everyone the scape goat for your issues and problems.

How long do you give an adult accountability for their problems? Immediately. How long do you make excuses for them is your heart issue. Sometimes you defend out of love and embarrassment. You can make that decision for how long you want to give, but the world is giving age to adulthood for understanding of right and wrong. I read a story of the daycare worker who smothered a baby and killed the baby because she was frustrated and didn’t have help that day. She can be forgiven I am sure. We all want and need it in some form, but she forever changed a family and an innocent child is no longer here. She is responsible for her actions. How the family chooses to forgive her is their right to take. However she bears the responsibility for that precious life that she took. So if you heart chooses to give your family and friends many excuses but after a while the reality is we can’t expect those around us to be willing to accept excuses just because another adult choose to give the “that’s just how they are excuse.”

It is imperative that you have to be able to understand that the stand you take with other adults in what they do may not be the same stand that others will support you on.  If i have hurt a friend and that friend chooses to forgive me and another one doesn’t, its their right. I can move in forgiveness and show a turned life by actions. My actions require me to accept responsibility because there was a part of me that in whatever was done I knew better. We teach kids to say sorry for wrongs. We then wait for them to be adults and then think now we have to atone for them. We don’t. It takes a lot to forgive and we should be working towards forgiveness. However you can forgive and not make excuses for the behavior too. Forgiveness may not always mean reconciliation. It may mean peace to live without staying in an offended state.

Lastly whether we want to admit to it or not, we all have the ability to make the necessary changes that we need. We all have the same 24 hours in a day to choose to walk in negativity, positivity, old habits, or make new choices. We all have the ability to know that we are wrong and make right living solutions. So when you see someone wasting them, know too that is also their choice. Know that you can cover them in grace but you don’t have to a blind eye to their mess. I think that’s the biggest thing you can do is be honest with yourself even if you choose to not openly tell others that they were right about their choices. A few years ago I came to grips with myself in so many forms. I had to take responsibility for my actions and in addition to that I had to be willing to change. Even if I never personally thank the people, places and things that were used to hold that mirror of reality up to me, I know that it exists and I choose to take actions daily to support a better mental, emotional, and physical way of being better in my own skin.

 

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National Day of Forgiveness

This is a topic a lot of people like to avoid. It makes people extremely uncomfortable. No one wants to extend grace to a person who doesn’t deserve it. None of us really has earned grace. We are all messed up and flawed but when someone does something that personally is off-putting the first response isn’t to move on and act like nothing happened.

Forgiveness like I’m sure you have heard is for you. It does more for you then it will ever do for the other person. It releases the sting of the offense. It frees you. But why if it’s so good for you is it so hard to do? Hurt feelings is like a knife. It will continue to cut if you allow it. So although the person may never give you an apology or even admits that what they did hurt you, just know that the journey towards forgiveness is healing and healing can be messy.

Let me not paint a picture that you get hurt and immediately have the mindset to just say it’s ok forgive and walk away. I would be lying. I think it’s the biggest lesson to date for me live out each day. You can be hurt, upset, and angry and sometimes all at the same time. Pain sucks! It should also be known that it’s a reminder too. Sometimes the ones I didn’t want to let go has caused me the hardest pain so I knew better than to go back and set myself up again.

I don’t have a magical list of how to get over it! I know that even if I did and you followed that list you still may find yourself struggling to forgive. I’ve said it before sometimes you have band-aids on and when something happens it opens the scar right back up. This is why for me it takes a minute to even have the conversation of forgiveness let alone do it. I’m super petty and will be the first to admit it. As I’ve gotten older I’ve finally realized that I can just forgive for real and not allow people in my space and it’s okay to do so.

Having the offender in your circle doesn’t give you a sense that you are fine no more than walking away and closing the door. It’s usually someone who has offended a person that says we should be able to sit amongst each other. They are both right and wrong. You can be in someone’s presence if you had to but you can also choose who has a seat of your life. The person who was offended makes the call not the offender who wants you in their circle so it erases the sting they caused.

I had a friend I cut off a few years ago reach out and wanted to know if we could just pick up like we had before. I had to let them know no and that I’m not the same person I was years ago. I asked them for forgiveness for what I had caused them, wished them well and re-shut the door. Do I believe people can change? Yes. I feel like I’ve changed. However she had to understand that I wasn’t going back to make her feel better about what was done no more than the many people I’ve pissed off that won’t do the same for me. You see how that works?! I too have done, said, and acted and there are folks out there even with my blog that wouldn’t spit on my me if I was on fire. If I had an opportunity to say sorry or for the ones I have, I do understand that relationships may never be like it was. I am okay with that and continue to live my life the best I know how.

Forgiveness is a gift that makes you whole. I do not expect people to run to me and apologize. People are people. Just like I am a person who probably has things I need to square away. Some opportunities may not happen because mutually it’s understood and neither party is in distress. Value in relationships matter and the ones you value you work harder to mend.

I hope that you take stock on your own life. Hurt and pain can mess a person up. Forgiveness is hard but necessary. Every sorry isn’t heartfelt. Every sorry will not mend a relationship. Forgiveness is a journey but see the value in what it releases in your life even if the value in whom you are up against seems less worthy!!