Love is…..First Take

Sooooo so much to unwrap. Let me say that I hate to be the one to ruin the first episode because maybe you wanted to watch it later. This show although you may read it on the blogs is worth your own watch. It can’t really be placed in a box although I will do my best to give you my first thoughts.

Messy

So my thoughts even though I watched the preview show is that it was messy but not in a ratchet way. No disrespect to any reality show. This was real but it wasn’t the man finds a woman, falls in love and then bam they run into issues, solve it and live-in bliss. This was based on two individuals, Nuri and Yasir who were already connected with other people and other energy coming together. Connected is code switch for they had other men and women they were already messing with!

A few nuggets Nuri, is connected to several men and at the same time. She is dating the way dating should be where you juggle but you don’t have to give up and the goods. This was super refreshing. Most times women are told that this is taboo but Nuri is doing what she wants. She has a mother who supports her and encourages her to do what she will until she is ready to settle down. Nuri’s mom walks in on Nuri while she’s laid up with one of her work boos. She’s better than me. Say what you will but as a grown woman I’m not about to be dry humping a man who I’m dating! This might be why I have 3 kids?! 🤷🏾‍♀️. Momma as encouraging as she was needed to have her key taken since she came in that house while Nuri was laid up and spills the tea and gets all in their sexual or lack of sexual relationship. The only issue I had was with Nuri wasn’t that she was messing with too many men but that some of them was one of her work buddies. Dating a man where you work can be an issue and super delicate. It’s not for everyone. I too dated a man at work back in the day and talk about super slippery slope?! Don’t do it!

Nuri meets Yasir while at a bookstore by Yasir’s friend who first found Nuri attractive. They go their separate ways until one year later they meet up at the exact bookstore. Timing is everything and the reality is that everything that Yasir is everything a mother would have taught her daughter not to fool with. Like my mom Yasir got too many “ain’t gots.” He is literally walking around in his drawls. He ain’t got nothing but a dream and most women aren’t willing to unpack that type of baggage. We are conditioned to keep it moving and avoid the Yasirs of the world. I think that is good advice except when the connections is this strong and you try to make it work. I want to see how this dynamic alone continues.

Nuri on the other hand seemingly has her stuff together. So how this breaks down will be interesting. Both Nuri and Yasir do have amazing mothers. I’ve already touched on Nuri’s mom but Yasir’s mom is equally a force to be reckoned with. Immediately I didn’t get mama’s boy vibes but the love that most mama’s boys are known to share she gives him that without overstepping. She lets Yasir know that he’s going to have to keep working hard and that she believes in him and his dreams.

Timing

As I stated above their timing couldn’t be more off but so magically right. Yasir is living with his live in girlfriend and baby mom Ruby. He gives Nuri his number to the house and this was before cell phones and even so if they had been out he was too broke to have one. Nuri calls the house. Wait!! What?! Yes. Listen please inject every black woman clap because no way you can call the house for someone’s man and then said man leaves the house and comes back home at 4am and live to tell your story! Not a one!!!! So I knew at that moment Yasir was going to be put out and that it would not end well.

There are a lot of deep things to unroll such as statements about light-skinned women and long hair and God forbid they cut it. Men and their standard of beauty. It is definitely brought up. This thought process of beauty and what is acceptable I will definitely unravel as time goes on.

Love is Highlights I Related to

  • The newness of love when you talk for hours and loss concept of time is so magical. Just that heightened sense of new love is nostalgic
  • Having conversations with your girlfriends trying to get clarification only to turn around and do what you want or feels is right for you is something most have been through
  • Trying to figure out dating and feeling lost in the sauce
  • Realizing in dating and in life that what you make time for is where you are
  • Love can be a saving grace

So this is legit a surface reaction to the new series Love is. As this series continues there will be many more moments. I will say that the story is relatable and has real moments that if you just live or have lived a little you can find yourself in.

Can we shout out the playlists and shout out to those 90 classics television shows and music?! Downloads will be up tonight! To help you here is the playlist to Love is on your favorite stream:

Love is weekly playlist

Also I said I would live tweet so to my surprise I would get a reply by Will Catlett who is none other than Yasir himself!! Night made!!

So if you haven’t watched it. Watch it! Let me know what you thought and of course stay with me as I will be live tweeting each episode! It’s that good so trust me you won’t be disappointed!!

Love is…..you fill in the blanks weekly by tuning into Own on Tuesdays at 10/9c

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Acting Real Focused

Why is it that people tell you to reach for your goals? Simple if you keep going even if you fall, one day it will pop! The second you do you’re acting funny, cute, or like you got it like that. No the part your missing is I’m acting real focused. I know where I am going and I’m striving to get there. I can’t stop to make you feel better that I stayed in your lane. Either get a new lane or come up! Simple and plain! Also you have no idea what a person goes through behind the scenes in order to make their dreams come true. Hard work and dedication comes at a price always!

Who is going to push for your dreams more than you? Not one soul. Not one person is in charge of your journey like you are. You have to keep trying and keep going. There is an idea inside of you so keep on pushing until someone who needs to hear it does.

Do you know even in blogging there are moments when you snag that national account and moments when you don’t. There are moments when thousands read your work and days when they don’t. Never give up! Persistency is how you win! So this is why I keep going. I started my blog 3 years ago to a crowd of a few and now that crowd has grown and continues to grow. I’m more determined to keep going until I get to work with the likes of Essence or Mother Oprah. Why? I know I can reach the goal and I know that goal it’s attainable.

So whatever goal you have, crush it! Don’t quit or let the folks see you sweat! Use your voice to get the folks together and press on!Your yes is on its way!

Self-Care Your Week

So I told you about how last week was pretty rough. Between me not realizing that camp was delayed for a week to working from home, last week was tough. So I looked at what I did that worked and what didn’t work and came up with a few things we all can do to self care our week:

1. Drink plenty of water: today in Philly it will be almost 100 degrees no need in not taking care of your health so drink up!

2. Take a break: go outside that’s the one saving grace that made the difference last week. Being outside helps your mood

3. Go offline: I love social media but take a break even if it’s for an hour

4: Mind your business: this should be done often but the amount of negativity that we take on always stirring the pot of someone else’s lives can be better used in focusing on ways to improve ours.

5: Work out: you will lose some unwanted pounds as well as relieve stress

6: Get some sleep: watching television is great but sitting up every night while it watches you is not. Going to bed earlier a few nights a week does amazing things for your morning

7: Eat Right: overeating or even under eating is a problem. Make sure you also eat more fruits and vegetables your body will thank you

8: Read: take a magazine with you or a book and when you have down time while you’re taking that social media break, read!

9: Favorite Drink: sometimes having your favorite drink will make a great difference. Now that it’s hot Pintrest some Summer drinks and enjoy something cold and refreshing

10: Plan-setting brings into place will not make your week magical but it can cut down on a lot of stress of having to find things

Whatever you do make sure that you find little things that make your day and week that much better. You can do a thousand one things such as lighting candles, going to a favorite spot, etc

Choose to set the bar high on making sure you aren’t simply getting through the week but that you spend some time being good to yourself.

Have a great Monday and a great week!!

Father’s Day Pain

As we approach Fathers Day we must talk about the pain of the day. There are a lot of amazing fathers that have passed away. It makes days about honoring a father hard just like it was for Mother’s Day. It’s unbearable feeling for many. The pain of the day has to be talked about because it’s unsettling and real.

Absentee Father

Unfortunately the way life is set up it makes it easier for men to be absentee fathers. Like the old folks would say mamas baby, fathers maybe! This is the time to note that not all men run from their responsibilities. There are some outstanding men who not only honor themselves and their children but some men who are stand up men and father and raise children who are not theirs biologically. Kudos to you wonderful men and we will be celebrating you all week. However there are children who regardless of having male influences in their lives or having a mother who attempts to play both roles still need and long for their fathers love, admiration, and respect.

I don’t know why a man would leave. I can’t answer for men in that regard but I can answer for the children who are stuck between this adult world and child life. Normally there is never an explanation. They have no choice to rely on what they are being told. Depends on their mother if they are told the real story without bias. I hear men saying well that child is being tainted by their mother. You are right to a point except often times when the father leaves it opens the door. Let’s not act like there are mothers who use their kids as pawns. You can open your local paper and read how some kids are even being murdered because the father won’t comply to the mother’s demands. We know it exists. However a child can’t understand and as that child gets older they will continue to see the absence of the father as something that is about them. The child thinks I’m not good enough! Kids need both parents!

Fathers raising other families

This could mean that the original set of parents have broken up, the father has left, etc and instead of that man keeping and maintaining a relationship with his kids, he leaves and starts a whole new family. This is the ultimate disrespect to a child. What was it about that new family that made it okay for you to leave and never look back. No calls on birthdays. No time spent on holidays. Nothing. But a new life with a new family and the father that your child longs for is now being done elsewhere. It’s heart breaking. Even grown kids feel a sense of pain.

Single moms as fathers

I will say this and I know a small amount of folks will get mad. Kudos to the single moms doing all the work. You are not mom and dad you are mom doing it alone. Your child may respect the hustle but they still want their father. You can give a child everything but it will never erase the void of that father. The child can even live a settled life but hear me clearly my sister, your child will still want their dad. It’s hard. The pain of trying to make sure that child doesn’t miss a beat only to think your child is not affected by the absence of that father is setting yourself up.

Salute to my single mothers. You get a bad rap! There are a million reasons why you are single and raising a child or children alone. You have the world on your shoulder and you’re doing the best you can! My hat off to you but do understand your child needs their dad. You might try all you can to get the father to participate and he won’t. You can’t make him! Love on your child but do understand how your child feels. I heard a mom tell her child “you don’t need that fake ass father of yours. I’m all you got.” I understood the pain. I get it! That’s how you feel when that father makes promises and leaves you with the pain from that child and the pain you feel everyday with no help! That child even if he or she understand will still want their dad. It’s natural. Thus the pain on the day!

What can fathers who have placed pain do?

Attempt to be there! Apologize and show up. I would rather know my dad cane and tried and was stopped than to think he just knew I existed and just kept living a life as if I was never apart of it. If you have a child then do right by that child. Do not tell me that the mother of your child makes it hard so you stopped only at her. Yes the courts do make it easier for women then men but if you stop at that you are to blame. Does it cost? Yes! But stop at nothing to be apart of that child’s life. There are organizations that assist men in being in their kids life. If you can google the little dumb stuff that we all google, google information to assist in being involved. Any reasons you try to give me will never be acceptable not to me but to your child. End of the day that child is the one losing.

As we continue to celebrate Father’s Day we will talk about all of the pain associated around the day. We will hit it strong and make sure we balance the pain along with the joys of being a father. I know how being loved on by your father and how that love pushes you through relationships or even with your own kids.

Sunday Message: A Different Light

Good Sunday morning to you all. I hope one you had or are having a great weekend and two you are finding ways to renew. One of the things we are talking about today is the phrase “I see them in a different light.” This is to suggest that whomever you were or are dealing with has changed and is no longer the way you remember them. It’s almost like the person has done a “switch.”

I would suggest that some people could possibly switch or that maybe you were unwilling to change the focus of your lens. You may not have been willing to see the special person in your life in a certain way and therefor excused their behavior. I have had this happened too many times to count. You simply don’t even consider the opinions of others and will only see them how you like them. So regardless of their negative qualities you simply bypass them and continue until…… they bite you, hurt you, show “their true colors,” etc.

Their true colors were on display the entire time your willingness to be blind is what handicapped you. If you have someone tell you about how a person is, take what they say into consideration of the potential of the person. This means be aware they may behave this way but do not simply say they aren’t capable. Doing this allows you to be honest about the person you are dealing with and make the decision to remain in their life. This also makes for when the “switch” happens for you to take the responsibility of not playing victim. You saw the negative potential and you still entreated or trusted them. Trust can be broken. It hurts. It’s devastating depending on the level of relationship, but sometimes we play victims to things we were willful participants and we need to be honest with at least ourselves.

The same light that drew you to a person was there to shine the light on them as a whole. You chose not to see all of their sides. You connected to the parts that benefited you. That is the honest assessment. So now that you have been bitten by their full personality you must make the decision to withdraw or continue. Do not let the ones who stand by saying I told you so push you and don’t let your pride of not wanting them to be right make you continue either. I’ve been wrong about friends. I’ve been guilty of continuing relationships with people I knew wasn’t right. These are choices. Honestly the longer you stay the worse the bite will be. True colors are always present you just have to take the sunglasses of selection off. The more you blind yourself into acceptance the worst the hurt will be.

Now the flip is you can just be friends or relationship with bad folks and you see them clearly and you just going to ride it out. This too is a choice. I am finding too if you make this choice and then person doesn’t belong in your life, events will continue to happen that will push your hand. You can’t improve yourself and not take accountable the circle you keep. Either you and your circle are going no where or one or more in that circle is in constant inner turmoil until they weed out the negativity. It’s like fighting yourself to be with a person or group of people and it WILL bother you until you do yourself a personal justice and end things.

You can let nature take its toll. Nature will always give you a way out. You can naturally end a relationship. You no longer like the same things so when the opportunity comes simply decline the invitation. The more declines let’s the person know you’re not feeling them. Also conversations will began to lack. One of the things that irk me but have been a blessing is “k.” You are in a relationship with someone and all they give is a k or one word answers and you’re trying to talk via text or even regular conversation is my ultimate pet peeve. There’s blessing in it. The more irritated I get by it the more I just communicate less. How can you be a friend and you’re excitedly attempting to talk to a person who is dry? That is a turn off and eventually I just share less. Nature will take its course!

So if you’re in constant inner struggle over a person who’s true sides have been showing you lack luster relationship or they have been “switching” take the time to be honest with yourself about what part you have played and how long you have allowed this to continue? Don’t stay just to prove someone else wrong. Don’t stay just because starting over would be an issue. Let nature take its course. Also you may have to end it too. You may have to do what you should have done week, months or years ago and that’s walk away!! It’s no longer serving you! You deserve to be in relationship with like minded folks. People who when you speak to them make you feel inspired. When you are around make you happy about life even when life is not only giving you lemons but feels like it’s giving you spoiled lemons.

The Importance of Preserving Yourself; Burnout Edition

Call it self-care or the ability to not lose your mind in this crazy and sometimes evil world! The way things are setting up you better figure out how to be your own best friend, confidant, and master cheerleader.

Trust me the opposite of mastering the above skill sets will have you drained. You will have given to everyone and everything and never really reach your own personal plateau. Life will be so mundane. You will look around and ask yourself why?! This my friend is called burn out. Burnout is failure. Burnout is devastating. It doesn’t mean you can’t turn it around but it’s a temporary “L.” You will feel it! It’s hard not to if you have allowed yourself to get to the point of a burnout! The range of emotions that are felt at that moment of burn out can go from sorrow to anger and even a combination of a gambit of stuff in between. What’s the solution?

Acceptance

This is the stage where you realize the snapping out, the anger, the moodiness is for a reason. Usually you would have to be willing to even entertain that maybe deep down maybe everyone ain’t telling the same lie. You have given a reason to everything that points away from you but then you realize maybe what people are saying is true. Maybe I am hard to deal with! Maybe I am being a nag! Maybe just maybe I should look into me and work my life so maybe instead of living a life of calamity I may be able to muster up a better situation.

Make a Plan

You have accepted that you have a little work to do now you need a plan to help you overcome. This means that you will need to be clear in what you need to be successful and turn around this burn out. Often times it may mean unplugging from social media. You could be spinning out of control due to you comparing yourself and your life to others. Also often times especially family who you know their lives off-line and knowing they don’t match their online persona actually can tail spin you. The frustration alone can make you burn out.

Another plan is to take a break. Did you know even the most on point person needs a break. Oh I know you can’t afford it. Money or the lack thereof is the number one reason to not plan a vacation. I know for a fact that if you sat down with your money and looked at your spending by writing things down you can find some areas to cut. If you’re going to be broke at least be broke saving money for a purpose. Also you can plan an amazing staycation. There are ways to be creative and get a break, take a nap, and refuel. I love a good to do list. However with learning balance I’ve learned is that you don’t have to solve all of problems in a day. Start your list but don’t be overcome by one. You will see the light if you keep pushing! However push and take a breather too!

Whatever you decide to do. Take a break and make a plan! People are over worked and underpaid fulfilling the desires and needs of those around them all while operating from an empty bank and I don’t just mean money. One of the things that my new boss has stressed is the importance of balance. He makes sure his team understands that. There is no need to make a sick day, just take day and refuel. This means that he supports self-care for his team and he believes it’s the one way to increase productivity. It’s true!! Apply the same principles to your life. Sometimes the dishes can wait. You can tell a family member no. You can pickup things and leave things too!

Good Reports: My Hysterectomy Update

So I’ve blogged about having a full hysterectomy last year. Although it might be quite private for some, this was one of the best things that happened to me. It helped me to push my life in the right direction.

I’ve been super honest about the journey. I’ve talked about how I started to attempt to lose weight and then hit a wall. I found that I was getting a lot of the areas of my health in line and then bam I was sick, having horrible headaches, and my cycle was so off it made no sense.

After losing so much blood and my blood being so low and at the point of having a second dose of iron infusions, I decided to have a complete work up. I went to two specialists who worked together and came up with the plan and because of them and always God my life has improved tremendously. My hematologist walked me to my OBGYN specialist in person and we all sat down together and came up with a plan. They were hands on and made sure I didn’t feel stuck.

Yesterday I went to the doctors and was told that everything looked great. I had lost the weight and more, my body had healed, and that I was the model patient. I also had a note from the nurses who said I was a joy and made them laugh even though I was in so much pain. To be honest that had to be more pain medication induced than anything. I also was told that I would still need to come back to have my exam done but that I didn’t need to send off anything to a lab since go figure there is no uterus. Such a great turn from last year when I was at my wit’s end, sleeping all the time, etc.

Sleep Patterns

So let me tell you real of what I had to get used to while I healed. There are a lot of women who have had and will have a hysterectomy for various reasons. I personally had already had my tubes tied before the surgery and yet I felt a weird sense of lost after the surgery. I had various dreams of babies quite often and if you add that my body’s clock was off, the insomnia took over the first few weeks. I was sleeping like a baby. No not let men do (some) when a new baby comes home, the kind where day is night and night is day type of sleep. I didn’t regulate my sleep pattern until well over 2 months and I had been back to work by then. It may have been well into 3 months after the surgery.

Sex

Please like I’ve said if you’re coming to read this part to hear about my bedroom secrets let me stop you now! Sex does change after surgery. Some women experience dryness that makes sex super painful. Some have no drive. A lot of that depends on the healing process. Let me also note if your doctor hasn’t cleared you don’t try it. That means do NOT have any form of sex or place anything in your vaginal area. If you do you will regret it. Get a new hobby as you heal. Make your partner wait a minute too. It’s either that or find yourself back in the hospital or injured! It ain’t worth it! Sex was the last thing on my mind during healing. I was trying to master things like getting in and out of bed, going to the bathroom, and pain management! I had zero issues waiting. However my paranoia did creep in once I was cleared. I did have to find a good rhythm and relax. I was scared that there would be a lot of pain. My husband and I waited 1-2 more weeks after I was cleared.

Hair Growth/Hair Falling Out

My hair didn’t fall out. That is a blessing. I honestly thought it would since I had braids AND when I was postpartum with my kids my hair was falling out in clumps. I figured hey this surgery is sending me into menopause surely my hair is going to hit the floor! It did not!! However I found hair in other unwanted areas. It has leveled out and I personally think it had a lot to do with me being on hormone replacement therapy patches for a while. I got off of that soon after the hair discovery subsided and also it caused me to have heart palpitations. I thought there’s no way I’m going to look like a Chia Pet and feel like I’m having a heart attack too!

Weight Gain

After I had lost quite a bit of weight before the surgery I was paranoid that I would look pregnant as I recovered. I had a plan! I ate what I wanted for the first few weeks and by few I really mean 2! Uber Eats got all my money after my husband went back to work. Standing to prep food or cook was team too much! However I could use my strength to track those deliveries answer make my way to the door. After that food fun was over I stuck to the portion size and types of food for the remainder of the time since working out was out of the question.

Do I still get hot flashes? Yes. I think they honestly started back up in the last month. I had several months where it didn’t happen at all. I do think with the start of the new job and adjusting is contributing to the increase of the flashes. I am confident I will level out soon!

Overall I would do it again. I had 3 c-section with my 3 kids and I felt like I was prepared for the surgery and knew what to expect. Thankfully due to a little prep I had everything ready after I came home too. Shout out to Dr. M for all that he has done. I’m glad of the support of my family and friends during the journey. Now I’m just glad to be able to live a true healthy life! I’m glad that unlike many women who find themselves having to have a hysterectomy that I have my 3 kids. Not every women will experience childbirth and I’m grateful. Again I encourage all to be on top of their health. If something isn’t right or doesn’t feel right then speak up. I don’t even want to think would could have been had I not put myself first!