Let’s Get Physical, Physical

Got the song in your head now?  You should.  It’s time to move.  We discussed the reasons why physical movement can help to cut down the physical stress.  So let’s figure out some fun ways to make it happen.

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Let’s keep it real I am a full-time mom, wife, I have a full time job and in between life and balance it isn’t easy.  My work outs do not ever look the same day-to-day or even week to week.  So what are the ways you can increase your physical activity?

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  1. Move-yes if you work you can go to the bathroom on different floors, take the stairs, do some chair exercises.  Whatever you choose to do, move.  Sitting is the new smoking so you can’t afford to just sit all day.  Even if you are one who isn’t all into the gym, you can’t deny how much better your mood and your joints feel after some movement.
  2. Take a lesson-this is the best time now that the weather is breaking to take a class.  If you don’t know how to swim take a lesson.  Want to take a class you were too scared to take before or used the cold of the winter as your excuse, dump the excuse and take a class.  Taking a class aids in your healthy well-being as well as it can be a great way to network.
  3. Get involved-there are a lot of ways you can get things done in your community.  If you feel the opportunity isn’t there what better way than to create it?  Get out and motivate others.  While doing this you can help your physical and mental being as well as get involved and meet some dynamic people.
  4. Form groups-it doesn’t even need to be something super elaborate.  It could be a walking club.  Get a few or more of you together that can share in a common goal and walk.  It’s that simple.  No money involved and super easy that will only require some time and some dedication.
  5. Love -did you know that the more and your new boo or your old boo work out together and get involved in an activity that it helps in your relationship and takes stress away to the max.  No one pushes buttons together like a couple.  So if you find something you can do together its an automatic win.  Don’t want to go out?  How about fixing things in your home together?  You get to move about, get things done, and the both of you can connect, argue, and love your way to the completion of your task.
  6. Dance-you can burn a lot of calories dancing the night away.  You don’t have to be the best dancer either.  If you live alone, turn the music up and get in the zone.  You can pretend to be any dancer or entertainer you want to be and have a great time doing it.

It’s time to get out and enjoy your life.  A few things I do to get moving:

  1. Soul Cycle-you can read both of my blogs on my experience.  I am not a pro but I definitely can say I am so much better than before.
  2. Free-yes I use YouTube to my advantage when I can’t get out of my house.  I do not allow too much time to elapse where no physical activity is going down but nothing makes me smile more than a free YouTube video work out.
  3. Gym-I do still try to do at least bare minimal 2 days at the gym.  I typically get my 3 days in since I do my workouts during my lunch time at work, shower, and then continue with my day.
  4. Use my kids-do you know how solid my kids are?  Them little nuggets is like big mac babies when it comes to using them for weights.  I usually aim for my son but I have them doing all kinds of stuff with me.  They think its mommy and me time and I’m like come beat that donut off of me time.  I get a kick and they do too.  They line up waiting their turn and its always makes the time go fast and a good laugh is always a good thing in my book.
  5. All of the things above that I mention I incorporate into my life.  I am on the road to being well-rounded and as much as I feel like an island I am embracing the idea of including and allowing others in my life appropriately.  You know I ain’t letting just any old body around me.  However I am finding some great friendships along the way and embracing them.

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Bling and Foundations

As you know the holidays are a magical time.  Everyone is buzzing around and being in the best moods for the most part.  Gifts are getting purchased and wrapped.  Egg nog is being enjoyed.  This is also the time that as we go into the New Year couples who are dating and not yet engaged get antsy.

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Now I have blogged several times about ultimatums.  I hear many women tell their friends how they are not going into the New Year being nobody’s girlfriend.  Either the man they are with needs to propose or else they are out.  What usually happens is he doesn’t and they don’t leave and it’s really about you the woman who wants to be engaged to set the tone.  Now how you set the tone is not to give the man an ultimatum but give yourself on. Set your own date within yourself and be prepared to stick with it.  If you can’t honor yourself and what you will or won’t tolerate how can you expect someone else to do the same?

Foundation Cracks

Now as much as you want him to “put a ring on it ” consider a few things.  Does this man have his own place?  Like not a spot in a basement somewhere but a place where if you two were to marry you and him can lodge together?  If not what is his plan?  When I say plan it can’t start off with one day, I would like but there hasn’t been any action like a savings plan, etc.  He has to be able to be a provider not just get a nice ring.  So the question you need to first ask yourself is why do you want to be entangled with a man with no active plan.  You can’t sex your way through a marriage when its time to pay bills or eat. Speaking of bills, how do you pay them? I know with money but are you on time?  What is on your credit report?  If its bad are you working with an organization to rebuild it.  What is the man you want doing about his bills?  Do either of you save?  Do you have a nest egg saved that if one of you lose a job you have a back up plan?  Let’s be real there many people who marry who don’t have this in place but that doesn’t mean its right.  Get clear the foundation you want to build. Is that foundation strong.  If there are cracks than one or both of you have work to do.  So an ultimatum is not necessary, you aren’t ready.  Contrary to popular belief my husband had a spread sheet plan which means he had numbers and what he needed in place and as our life took shifts he shifted the numbers around and he still does.  He has taught me a lot but that’s one of his strengths that I was aware of before we married.  He also knew of anything financial that I had whether good or bad and we devised a plan together to make it stronger.  He nor I ran away from these important conversations.  Please make sure you do the same.

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Ring Wars

Yes women actually compare themselves to one another.  Oh the shock.  So when the time is right for you and your man to talk about rings be clear.  Every big rock doesn’t mean stable marriage.  Every little rock stays strong for 20 years or more either.  Ring size and choice have so many dimensions.  There are women walking around with rings looking like mountains but if you know your diamonds you can see that the actual diamond is cloudy. Get to know rings.  Don’t just leave the knowledge up to that man.  If you are the type that would have an issue with a certain size than speak up but beware that your man may not take too kindly to it.  Rings are supposed to be tokens of his love and what he can afford, what he saved, etc.  Do NOT try to get what your best friend has.  My best friend and I are both married but my ring has a story of its own and was made by my husband to the likes he knew I would like.  Her ring has her own story.  The stories do not need to match.  Your friend and your marriage will  not be the same so stop the comparison game now.

New Year, No more the Girlfriend

If your due date for that ring is Christmas, than what happens?  Are you prepared to leave this man the day of or the day after?  I would really take to heart what I said about the foundation of your relationship and more importantly yourself.  Where have you traveled to?  Do you have a passport?  Do you have a business action in plan for a business venture you have been trying to get off the ground?  What does your personal empire look like? Have you completed school?  These dreams need to be either in motion or completed. Marriage is not the end all be all.  Your title or new last name is not the only thing you need in life.  You need a life goal and to be able to have a life that can be joined to someone else as well as a life that you can have even after you married.  How many wives stop working out who were super active before?  How many were in school than stopped?  We all get in ruts but you must have the mindset to continue to grow as a person while you grow as a couple.  Life is about balance.  You can’t tip the marital scale and then fail in your work or personal life.

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Listen relationships are gray.  There is no cookie cutter pattern that you can model and then have a “perfect” relationship.  What I think is too long may not fit your time line. However make decisions on ultimatums be about what you want, what you will settle for or put up with.  No one has to live with your decisions but you.  As much as you love who you are with be sure that the love and effort matches on all sides.  There is no need to have wasted years with someone in your gut and actions says they aren’t on the same page as you.  With a few days left in the holiday season take some time out with YOU and figure out what you want than you can see if the boo you have been loving on all year-long and beyond is capable of giving you the love you deserve.

It’s a Process!

I can’t say that I have been my usual on top self.  I have had bursts of my normal self but since the passing of my mother in law, life hasn’t been the same.  One thing I can say is that children really keep you grounded when you are dealing with a tragedy.  My kids are brutally honest.  I guess I can’t complain about that part.  My son specifically have been very vocal about what he thinks is right in regard to his “mom-mom.:  I know this is all apart of the process.  My kids have asked things like “did the doctors kill their mom-mom?” I have had to be honest and of course say no but attempt to paint the picture we kept them from and allow it to make sense.  I told them they can ask questions any time they want to.  They can have moments of sadness, cry, or even be angry.  My son is the one I am watching very closely.  They all had different relationships but since he’s my husband’s mini me I saw how his mom-mom gravitated towards him more.  He feels the pain a lot more openly than my oldest daughter.  So I find ways to meet them both at their need.

The hardest part is watching my husband struggle.  He is getting more sleep now but in the beginning he wasn’t.  He has had a cold for weeks now and it’s really just due to his immune system being compromised.  How can he fight off this cold when his own personal defenses are not where they need to be?  His emotions are ranging from sadness to clueless.  As a wife who hasn’t lost a parent there’s no words that can make this better. I just listen.  I don’t offer advice.  I don’t try to fix, I just listen. Nothing I will say will make anything right.  I make sure he eats.  He rests. He is not overwhelmed.  Right now that may means me be the primary parent in many aspects.  He has spoken to his mom everyday of his life.  He looks at his phone often times and I can tell he is still waiting for a call that will never happen.   It breaks my heart.  I sometimes find myself taking calls with my mom and dad when I am not around him.  I do feel a slight guilt that they are still here and she’s not.  He has told me that I don’t have to do that but a part of me is still struggling.

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My own emotions are all over the place.  I have videos of her in her last days and moments that still sting.  I was told that the videos and pictures would give me peace but I can’t feel that feeling all the way yet. I do have peace that she is no longer suffering but selfishly I want her to tell my kids give “mom-mom a hug.”  Tomorrow is grandparents day at my kids daycare.  My parents live almost 2 hours away and work.  So we have asked her best friend of over 40 years and aunt (she married my mother in law’s brother) to step in.  I know that will enjoy the time with them but it still makes me upset that their grandparents aren’t there.  However life is about making the best and I don’t know of someone who is better to step in then her best friend.

I just got the Christmas tree up this weekend.  Yes I know it was before Thanksgiving but the reality is that our house needed an extra dose of joy.  I allowed the kids to do whatever they wanted to do to their tree.  I usually do.  There will be a time when they are too big to want to participate in these activities.  The one thing that the passing of my mother in law isn’t just the cliché that time is short its to love and show love with everything I have. I have thought about what my last moments will be.  What stories will my children share? Will they remember the time I invested, the love I have shown, the cookies we make, the fun holidays we make and we celebrate them ALL.  That means more to me than what others outside of my home think of me. I am not perfect but each day I find myself asking myself what I can do to make sure that my kids are solid individuals.

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I am more interested in making sure that every time they leave my presence that I was loving towards them even though parenting means I have to be stern.  I can love with a strong hand and still be gentle enough to apologize when I miss the mark with them and smart enough to shower them with kisses.  As the holidays draw near, and we surround ourselves with loved ones, my husband’s mom will not be in attendance.  I won’t be able to hear her ask me if I am going to smile today.  I won’t hear her ask me a thousand things to get her, go to the store, or help her in the kitchen.  I can still hold on to the warm memories, keep the not so pleasant ones in mind, and love on her grandbabies and make sure her son is okay as well.  I hope that as you all convene with your family that you remember to make each interaction meaningful.  Do not take for granted that you will have a re-do.  Life is about living and living the best life you can.  Love intentionally.  Do not slack due to what others seem to give you.  When you love it’s already a risk.  Choose to take the risk to love passionately.  When you leave your loved one especially if you’re in marriage or committed relationship make sure you have no regrets because an argument can be just that an argument.  We all have them but I make sure that my last moments are not filled with words that don’t matter.  Be clear even when solutions aren’t found that the general love is still there.

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You may not be dealing with a loved one’s death.  You could be dealing with frustration, an end of a relationship, etc.  Whatever it is that you are going trough make sure you take the time to be clear in your actions.  You don’t need to add-on to the situation. Life will unfold.  You can make sure that you find your joy and if it’s no there create it.  I have found ways in these last few weeks to take care of me while I take care of those in my home.  It can be things like a little me time, relaxing, delegating and allowing others to assist. Either way the process will not be up and have happy tones all the time.  However when I can get those happy moments I have learned to take them.  I have also learned to shut the world out too.  I have probably shut my phone off more in the last few weeks than I have ever had in the past.  The reason is simple, I can’t help me while everyone is in my ear.

The Thanksgiving Rush

So I am usually one for celebrating the holidays.  However my days have been super long and I just realized that Thanksgiving is the next week.  We have so much to do with closing out some of the items from my mother in law’s passing that I haven’t really tapped in. Normally his mother would cook until she got to the point where she couldn’t and my husband’s uncle would do all the cooking.  I haven’t heard word on whether or not he will be resuming things so my husband and I will just cook something at home and enjoy our little family. Now if the uncle decides at the last minute to cook, I will still prepare a meal at home because that’s how I grew up.  My mother didn’t care whose house we went to she made her own dinner that way we would always have something to enjoy for later. Remember you can’t go to folks house trying to take leftovers for the week and when you barely lucky to get a plate.

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So either way I find myself focusing on the big day.  I know we are to be thankful for everything all the time and trust me I am but the anxiety of trying to pull a menu together is a bit much right now but I know I will do just fine.  So with that being said I had to dust off a few of my recipes and start my master Thanksgiving list.  You know that no matter what happens somebody will be hitting that grocery store the day before.  I am trying to be one less of those folks.  I will be going this week before the weekend.  I have a lot of events this upcoming weekend on top of some extra cleaning in my own home that I need to work on as well.

So how will I get through? I will try to pre-prep as much of the items I can.  This weekend I will be getting my cookie dough all together.  Mind you I usually do this in the beginning of November but I didn’t have enough time.  Preparing the food that I can earlier such as cutting up ingredients, etc will save me time and stress.  I will start making things on Wednesday.  I am off super early so without the little people in the way I can get one or more items in the oven.  Another way is to have some fun.  My kids love helping me and I will be letting them in the kitchen.  Music will be there as well to get me through.  Not to mention with Thanksgiving means I can start decorating for Christmas and I really do look forward to it.  A little adult juice will be had as well.  So a stop to the state store to get me some wine is in order.  The holidays as stressful as they are at times depending on the situation.  There are some who have no one to spend it with.  A lot of people miss significant members of their family. This year it will be my mother in law and my great-grandmother.  This is the time to call and check up on everyone.  This can be such a low time for some of our neighbors or even the elderly.  If you have a sick member in your community if you don’t want to invite them over pack them up some good treats that they can enjoy.

Call a friend whom you haven’t spoken to in a while.  I know we are an Instagram, text, snap world but people’s voices are just as much important as being on social media.  Call a loved on whom you may have an issue with and work it out.  Let me just say for the disclaimer, since I have so many family and friends that read this I have nothing but peace for all.  I love the holidays and I think everyone should be together but I still also believe that you don’t have to force your feet under other’s table to make a point.  Love is love and love don’t always mean forcing relationships to fit where they don’t fit.  You can however call and be cordial to your family members.

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Also to note, the holidays also start a lot of drama. So for the men and women that are juggling more than one man or woman and neither man or woman knows that they are being juggled, good luck.  You know how this works, whomever you spend your holidays with will feel like the main chick or boo.  You can’t be at the same place at the same time. For my single readers, enjoy your holiday.  I get it you don’t want to be alone but its better to be alone than sitting with the one that is eyeing your cousin and your mom.  I get it. Being single feels like it sucks but everybody in matching outfits and broken smiles ain’t happy.  Also back to families not all families are built like the Cosby’s.  So often times old things come out or things that shouldn’t have come out too.  Don’t mix so much alcohol at these events when you know Aunt Sue going to show her ass.  I mean that literally too.

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Take your time.  Try not to have so much hypness over the holidays.  Be gentle with others and remember the most important part, being thankful for the little or the much you were blessed with .

“My married friends are worst than my single ones…”

I want to knock on wood, pray to baby Jesus the Black and the White one, go in a trance that I never have to know the betrayal of a husband in the form of another woman having my husband’s baby.  We have planned not to have any more children.  By we I mean I made the decision and my husband supported it.  I don’t know what would have happened if we weren’t on the same page.  For me it came down to the lack of wanting to go through the newborn phase, being pregnant in the first place and my health.

Cheating is not an option to me in marriage let alone a baby.  I feel like everyone has a right to their list of what they will or will not tolerate and for me cheating is a deal breaker.  I think you end up pouring salt in the open wound if by cheating whether male or female and a baby is formed from that sexual bond.  I can’t even begin to explain the level of disrespect and how that would send me into a fit.  Have I been cheated on before? Yes. Am I with the man who cheated?  No.  It is just not tolerable for me.  I keep seeing stories on television, and in real life of this happening.  Let’s keep it real, men and women been cheating since Jesus was a baby.  I try my best not to judge as I don’t really know what I would do if I was in the same situation.  Can people change? Absolutely they can if THEY want to.  I watched a woman go off on a man who fathered a child outside of their union. The way she was giving him the business I had to remember that it wasn’t my issue because I was on the low feeling some type of way. The type where I had to put down my own pitch fork and not attack my own husband on sight for another man’s discretion.  The hurt in her eyes and voice was enough to break me and I am not even in a relationship with the woman.

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How can a man or woman who sees this devastation continue the pattern of hurt and abuse.  I know the answer is hurt people hurt people but the reality is we have to call a spade a spade.  People once they see you will tolerate certain bad behaviors will continue to do the same as they have always done.  A baby is nothing to play games with.  Think about the couple who has been trying and then that man or woman goes and gets pregnant or impregnate another woman leaving the one in the relationship feeling hurt and empty. A baby is a lifetime bill, and lifetime responsibility.  I can’t say even with all of my knowledge I  would be able to just blend another family to mine like that?  Call me Petty Wap because I just can’t see it. Babies cost money so that means that the child fathered or mothered outside of the marriage or relationship is taking away from the central home. It’s never the child’s fault. However I have heard people jump on others for not willing to accept the child and go on like it’s all good.  Some can’t get over it to the point where they function as a unit and just simply move on.  I think every situation is different.  I mean in times where this even comes up in the back of my mind I hear whoop ass.  I would hear divorce papers.  I would hear taking the kids and rolling.  I mean you can’t tell me you wouldn’t think of at least one of those scenarios.  Its human nature.

Why do we tend to forget that especially ladies?  We judge harshly if a woman stays but often times we are dealing with our own issues and stay even when things don’t look or sound right in our own situations.  How do we forget that?  Love is simple but the repercussions of taking and engaging in love aren’t always so black and white.  When you love you take on some gray from time to time.  This is not an argument to just take whatever is dished.  I think we all have our breaking points and at some point we end things.  It may take a few frogs to get there.   For my ladies as much as we want to blame the other “heifer” remember there were two people involved.  If you are married the one to go after is your husband.  You have no idea what lies were told to her to get her in the bed.  Men will say things like I am leaving my wife. Ladies, its cheaper to keep her always remember that.  Most men aren’t going to elect to break up their home for a side piece. They just wanted to know if they still got it and for most men ain’t nothing better than some new……

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Yeah i am trying to spare the church mothers who may read this the ending of that last line.  I am not saying that if you have a friend that betrayed you and slept with your man you wouldn’t feel a certain way.  However I am saying we give men passes and go straight for the woman involved.  Why give your man a pass?  Why? So he gets off free and only sustains a few silent treatments, arguments, and a few yelling matches, and he’s good?

Marriage is respectable.  I really would rather my husband divorce me to be with someone else than to cheat on me.  I really would.  Like hey come tell me you want out and let’s get you out than for me to find out that you out here making romantic getaways, bending some woman over in a car or some sleazy hotel or even in her home while I am at home with your kids.  I can say that for me because that’s how I would feel.  I am not the built-in sitter while you go and do your thing and leaving me with the possibility of a baby or even worst a STD.  Let me warn some of my men and women who play dumb. A condom is a barrier which is not 100%.  Let me repeat that, condoms will not protect all of your sexual organs.  I want to live a healthy life so if my husband put my life in jeopardy that’s the disrespect.

I was on a social media one day and a newly single friend of mine made the comment that his married friends were “worst” than his single friends while they were out.  I believe that. It makes me nervous because in love there’s always room for betrayal.  I am not suggesting they should go hand in hand but I do believe you open yourself up to that hurt by loving someone. Married men or women to be honest feel the need to fight to be free. Why not just get out?  Oh yeah you don’t want to pay to play. You don’t want to figure out child visitation schedules.  You don’t want to have your family ripped up because your clit got hot or your penis got stimulated.  Interesting.  You would rather roll the dice and hope the love of your life is just one of the ones willing to play Russian Roulette with you?

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Let me speak on reconciliation.  Even though cheating is my deal breaker it doesn’t mean that I don’t have 5 seconds belief that people can work hard from the point of divorce and make it work.  It can happen.  Trust me it can.  However that is a lot of work. Most people will not be willing to do the work.  I spoke to a friend who I won’t mention by name but she told me that her husband cheated.  She said that in the beginning, he was all in.  They were in counseling.  He took the lock off his phone. He wined and dined her.  He brought her gifts.  Then when he felt like he had paid his debt and she should be over it, he went back to the same things that lead to the infidelity in the first place.  He no longer opened up in counseling.  He locked his phone tighter than a national bank.  He began taking calls on his cell away from her.  He went back out and coming home at 6am with no calls as to his whereabouts.  If you cheated on someone if you really mean to change you keep the change.  You don’t get to put an expiration on it.  If you do it only shows you were attempting to give a band-aid instead of the necessary surgery to provide real healing. She said it was at that moment that she filed for divorce and let it stick.  He came back with the same tactics when she filed.  He wanted to be a better man. However better wasn’t in him. You can’t get what’s not in a person to give.  Every actor has to lay their part done.  He laid his down and she left.

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IF you are a cheater and haven’ been caught please understand the old saying, nothing hidden that won’t be revealed.  It simply means what’s done in the dark will come to the light.  If you think you are above slipping you are sadly mistaken.  When you get caught if you know you have no intentions on changing with real change than say that and give that man or woman who so they can then do what is best for them.  Do not bring your mate on a journey wasting yours and their time when you know you still want to do your dirt.  Do your dirt and figure out a way to be a family under the new terms of a separate house.  If you cheat it’s not meant for you to live harmonsly like nothing happened.  You have to suffer.  For every action there is a reaction.  You can’t be looking for a loving response after that.  Both spouses need to be willing to work.  If you say you forgive but you still bring it up than you haven’t forgiven.  Let me break one thing down on the forgiveness talk, if you are the one who cheated and you are still doing questionable actions than YOU can’t use the whole forgive me response when you know you still acting suspect.  Align your actions to be honorable that way when it comes up you have an answer that is satisfactory.  You can’t still creep and tell your mate stop treating me like I cheated but your actions say you are cheating.  Accept that.  Stop trying to win the fight when you already lost the war.  Do better and knock it off or decide to part ways and then find someone if you can find them who will be okay with you having more than one sexual partner.  That is key.  You can’t just find someone who is okay with you being newly single and not committed.  They have to understand that you intend to be in other sexual relationships and be okay with it too.

Relationship Overhaul: Asking for too much too soon

Well here we go with more relationship questions from my Ask Toi.  Again if you want to ask an anonymous question please do so on toitimeblog@gmail.com

Today’s question comes from a young lady who wants to know how to deal with a man who wants her to put her cards on the table but refuses to do the same.  This is relationship sabotage.  You can’t keep asking and never giving no matter the relationship status.  You have to understand that if you want to receive you can’t be selfish. There’s no such thing as a one-sided relationship. A lot of people think that’s how it works but it doesn’t.

I have a friend she is dating a guy who doesn’t have his stuff together.  He always wants for her to do things for him.  He doesn’t initiate things and he doesn’t do anything for her. Wants her to call him but doesn’t call her.  Wants to borrow money from her but never has a dollar for her.  This is a relationship disaster.  A relationship should be fun, make you feel secure about yourself and be safe and healthy.  A one-sided relationship is an Atm machine.  You only “tap mac” when you need something.  You only tap your mate when you want something.  There are no flowers.  There is no romance.  There is no hey how are you doing I just wanted to hear your voice.  Nothing.  Only the one voice saying hey boo, can you feed me, cloth me, give me, take me, want me, me, me.  Only grown folks should be in a relationship.  Grown isn’t depicted by your age it’s depicted by how much you can handle responsibility.  If you are male or female and ready to embark in a relationship there are a few things to consider.

Can you handle the responsibility of a relationship?  Are you ready to look out for another person’s well-being?  This is emotional, physical, and spiritual.  If you can’t safely answer then its best to be upfront with someone and casually date.  Enjoy dinners, walks in the parks, but don’t start building when you don’t have the tools to make anything work nor if you don’t have the desire to.  You can get what you temporary want from several places. I’m not advocating people go out and screw everyone but let’s keep it real sex ain’t hard to get.  If you are wanting something meaningful do the work on you before you lock another person’s life with yours.  This is way before you can even get to the marriage stage.  If you are dating to be exclusive that means the person you were dating has shown you that they have the qualities that you are looking for and you ready to invest exclusive time to take it to the next step.  Why give all that time, love, and support to someone who you don’t plan into really taking things serious with.  Why should a man or a woman give of every resource they have and you just sit there collecting and never leaving a deposit?  If you don’t want to do the work, don’t mess over a woman or a man for the next one.

How can you proceed if you find you have invested and the person you were dating seemed like a winner but now they are a dud?  Simply cut back.  Stop giving.  When people can’t get what they want whether that be in responses, attention, resources, etc. they tend to show you who they really are.  A lot of actors can pretend but every actor got to lay his part down.  However this is the biggest key.  If you are writing in then the back of your mind you know the answer.  It’s easy to have knowledge of what to do but harder to implement it.  You are going to have to pull back.  The person you are dealing with has shown you their true colors.  How much more time and money do you have to invest in the one-sided relationship that you know isn’t going to work?  It doesn’t matter if every now and again they are nice.  Nice and being who you need is another thing.  Sometimes we excuse nice moments and forget about the tears you cried.  Your pillow shouldn’t be soaked with tears more than your happiness jar.  If a person is making you question their intentions, maybe the person to need to question is you.  Do NOT settle.  Yes its hard.  I can’t imagine dating in 2016 I honestly would be single and keep batteries.  I know that’s deep but that’s the reality of how it would be.  However choose yourself above another person’s leftovers. You are more precious than to receive trash and you given out the very best of you.

 

 

Vent Letters

There’s a new way to de-stress in a way and throw caution to the wind and that’s through Vent Letters.  They have pages on just about every social media platform.  FYI, I’m in no way endorsing them.  They are a social media that states that you can vent about anything and everything without anyone knowing it was you who did it.

Although in theory it sounds good for me personally it sounds too good to be true.  This is the most screen shot age so my faith in a website that allows you to talk no bars held about folks doesn’t send me to logging on.  Have we not learned from all the recent hack jobs lately?  I vent, but I try to do it in other ways.  The one thing that I do like about the vent letters site is that it does offer resources for things you may be dealing with.  For that it’s a great tool.  So if you are feeling like you want to low key let some folks know how you really feel but don’t want to take ownership or maybe you’re not as bold to say it to one’s face ventletters.com is the place to be.

Some of the things I read on there have been ruthless.  It’s been that type of take to your grave comments that even with my very bold demeanor caught me off guard.  If I could be red in the face trust me I would have been.  The one benefit on the surface with the site is that it’s like having a someone to talk to about an issue with no feedback without having to pay out of pocket fees. So if you want to see some of the vents that have been posted head over to their social media platforms on Instagram and Facebook.  In case you are wondering, no I haven’t used it but if I did, how would you even know?