The Complainer

Let me just say and acknowledge that I used to be the one that got on everyone’s nerves with complaining.  I mean as much as I blamed everyone else for the inability to deal with it, the truth of the matter I was the Debbie Downer that no one wanted to be around.  I used to sit around and say well if “they” can’t deal with me that’s on them, this is who I am.  Sound familiar?  You can’t blame folks for no longer wanting to be in your space when your space is dampened by negative vibes and foolery. It’s like hey, you don’t ever have a good day? What does it take for you to smile? Is your life hanging in the balance, no?  Are you ever going to be okay? I can only imagine the things my own husband thought even if he never said it. I get it when I hear others do it because I hear my old responses.

So fast forward to these last few years, I have one, gut bunched myself.  I checked me.  My mom always taught me everyone ain’t telling the same lie.  They may variations but when you hear the same exact thing, there’s truth in that story.  So instead of dragging those around me with misery I checked myself and quick. I one went to counseling to deal with those underlying issues we think is dormant until they aren’t.  Secondly I looked at life from a different perspective.  There are a thousand and one things that can go wrong in your life, but my responses was the only thing that mattered.  So the blame game stopped. I took stock even in the worst of an argument, I took stock.  What did I do?  How could I change me instead of having a laundry list of the things the other person could have done?  For the record this is years of change, not last week.

I got happy or should I say I found real joy in life.  How can I be the best mother and wife if I am consistently draining those in my own home first?  A good gut check will align you in the way you should go.  So now it’s humbling and annoying at the same time when I hear people complain.  I get real quiet and begin to make space.  I can’t entertain those negative people.  In the last few months I have had one friend that I have hung around that has even challenged my interactions with friends.  I can’t do the friends that have a negative response to the most mundane thing.  For instance I sent a friend a card, they were like why did you send it to me.  I had already made it personal with lovely encouraging words, etc but instead of just reading it, they got it, didn’t open it and was like why this and why that.  I immediately took a mental note.  Listen, my friend I’ll call her K has shown me that friendships should be light.  You should be able to send messages back and forth and enjoy the company.  You should be generally happy instead of the “I wonder what issue this person will bring,” type of relationship.

Image result for complainer

So I want to first thank my husband who brought up my negative talk to me.  Our mates know us.  When your mate says your annoying, a complainer, a nagger, you can be mad all you want the truth is in the message, learn to receive it.  I took the message and instead of getting mad, and complained some more I got it together.  There is more laughter in our home than disagreements.  Even disagreements don’t last that long. Trust me even I am have taken notice to it.  Also there is a lightness that makes things flow better even in the most difficult situations we have faced.  People think that trouble doesn’t come to us but that’s the furthest from the truth, we are just handling it better. Secondly I want to think K who has been so refreshing and not just K but a lot of my friends I wasn’t able to receive real love back and forth the way I needed to because of my own hindrances.  I feel like my relationships have gotten better for those who are on the same wave length and the others need work.  Some of that work may be from me and some from the other side as well.  We shall see.

Image result for complainer

The time you spend complaining and living in a complaining state takes too much time off of your life.  I think to be honest is where I started doing the daily days that I post on my personal Facebook page.  There is something to be grateful for, something to celebrate, something to be better for.  Learn to tap into that.  I now have to be sure my kids don’t take on any of negative behaviors. I make sure to call it out and show them rather than tell them what gratefulness looks like.  I think our home has been in a better place.  As a wife and mom it’s up to me to set a tone as a covering over negativity in it. I hope that my own blunders will help a person to be the best version of themselves.  I know that negativity is a learned behavior and you are ultimately responsible for what comes out of your mouth.  People do NOT want to be in your presence when you are a cess pool of complaining.  Life and death are in the tongue and even the death of the closeness a relationship can be is in your tongue.  FYI just because someone has been around you for so long, is not a good enough reason to continue in your ways.

Let me leave you with 5 examples and if you meet these 5; do some inside work:

Example #1:

You get a text, do you just go with the flow or question why a message was sent without checking the message first? (reading is fundamental, question what needs questioned but you don’t have to question the sender on every thing it could be just informational)

Example #2:

You get invited to a dinner, instead of going with the flow you make comments on restaurant selection, talk about yourself the whole time, etc (PS you could have stayed home and not come)

Example #3

You are in a group text, you make the church announcement that you don’t do group text and that you are tired of being in them but you get mad when you are no longer invited to the next group text or no longer privy to the information in it (you could have muted the conversation to check back later)

Example 4

You get a gift with no card, your first response is “no card” instead of saying thank you and then the next response is “why would you come with no card” (the card could have gotten lost in transit, or the gift may have not needed one)

Example 5

You are getting a group gift and instead of stating how much you wanted from others, you offer to them for them to give what they can.  Your friend gives 10 your response is “I seen how you been spending lately, this is all you have? (you can’t clock other folks money and what they should or shouldn’t be doing with it)

 

These types of responses over time will not get you invited to the next function.  You can’t get mad when you are constantly left out after the continual rude, insensitive, negative vibes are being given.  FYI outside of the gift one I have used these responses in the past in one shape or form.  This way no one will get in their feelings of you used what I did or said.  However if the shoe fits, please wear them and adjust.  No one and I repeat NO ONE has time for any of the above mess.  No one wants to be drained of negative space when around you.

Be better not to save a relationship but because deep down even you get sick of you.   Continue reading The Complainer

Advertisements

Ask Toi: How Do you Tell your Friends to Watch their tone with you?

You have to just tell them.  This notion of allowing folks in the name of friendship speak to you anyway suggests that you are keeping them even in an unhealthy state just to keep them around.  That’s the same notion used in some romantic relationships just for the sake of not being alone. I know you want to preserve relationships and of course blowing up at everyone is frowned upon but real friends should be open enough to speak the truth in love.  I think sometimes we forget that keeping real can go left sometimes and you must have a little finesse when you deal with other humans.  People have things in their life and on their heart that not everyone needs the in your face approach or the let everything happen approach.  There is a balance but you are the ONLY one who control that.

From what I gather you have allowed a build up go on way too long and you need to address the relationship as a whole. It sounds more to do with if that friendship should stick than it does with tone.  As adults you aren’t going to necessarily get it right all the time, but friendships are a choice unlike family.  If you choose this relationship in more than one way, then you need to find out what attracted you to it in the first place.  Keep in mind that not everything can remain.  So that means that there are times when relationships can run its course.  You don’t sound as if you are just someone in a tiff with a friend but more you are recognizing the unhealthy part of the relationship.  You have two choices, keep some control of how you allow folks to speak to you, or let it continue while you get frustrated and mad that you didn’t speak up.  I would suggest you speak up when things are being said and if that doesn’t work, you may need to figure out the extent of the relationship and let it take its natural course.  Also you have to own some responsibility.  I have had friends who for various reasons have crossed lines, but it’s not the habitual line stepper that was the issue it was my issue for not making others respect me.

Everything Ain’t About You

Listen I know that there are times when you can have sensitive spirits.  It could be that you are going through a rough patch but please know that everything ain’t about you. There are times when you have to attempt to get your emotions together and place them in the right category.

Image result for ain't nobody talking to you gif

For instance this morning I am talking to a friend. She is going through. I am trying to listen to her, give her hugs, reassure her that things will fall into place when an associate comes and is like what are you talking about, me? Now I am looking puzzled and trying to find the right way to respond because my friend is normally outgoing and had she been in the right frame of mind she would have been the one to tell her to go and keep it moving.  I also didn’t want the friend who is going through to be so upset in her own emotions to lash. So I give the girl the “look.”  The look is girl you see she is upset, this ain’t your fight, relax.  So she gets it but it reminded me so many times we have whatever going on that we push those emotions through to others and there is no need. We were not having a conversation about the associate whatsoever.  She was thinking that because of whatever is on her mind and heart. No one wants to hear someone prejudge them when they haven’t even given thought to that person.  That comes from the person having something on their mind and heart and pushing that on to others.  As adults if you have an issue with someone speak up.  There isn’t a class on mind reading.  Discernment goes a long way.  Had the associate had some or just looked at body language she would have kept on moving.  My friend could care less at that moment what she thought.  Neither could I if I am honest and I am sure my face let her know that.  There is no need to take others who haven’t given you the green light to an issue through an emotional roller coaster.

Image result for ain't nobody talking to you gif

So today, if you have something tugging on you that makes you think something is happening that isn’t-ask.  Everything about you. People generally don’t wake up attempting to find out how to mess your day up.  How they are going to talk about you today.  The folks that do that have no life or for sure have a lot in their life that is out-of-order. Ignore the emotional pull of these people. Giving into them only fuels them.

 

The Gift of Friendship

When I was deep in my postpartum depression I would cut off my friends.  Right after the birth of my son after moving from Lancaster to Philadelphia I felt isolated.  I was isolated because in my mind I had told myself that this move was only less than 2 hours away and that it wouldnt’ change anything. I was wrong.  I was blinded by having my family under one roof that I didn’t consider a few things.

One of the biggest things was the lack of support. I had my immediate family and one of my best cousins and my friend that I didn’t think that would change. I thought I have a car I and I could get in it and see them anytime I wanted.  My oldest was super easy in how I traveled with her that I never took into account how much more harder it would be to travel with 2 kids would be.  For a day trip it took me the day before prep and an hour just to get them into the car with everything that was needed that often times I elected not to travel.  That in itself also made it hard on me because then I would be upset that I couldn’t travel as often.  So after getting past that blow I would get the kids together and go. Trust me the come back was harder.  I felt comfortable being in Lancaster and I would take a day or two to adjust to the pressures that I was under and having these little people who needed me.

Image result for black stressed mom

The other issue is that I didn’t have a network of my own friends in Philadelphia.  I love my husband’s friends but they were his not mine. I didn’t want to have them as my friends on the strength of them being nice to me because of him. He and his friends had history that I didn’t have.  I didn’t want to be the wife of his and they extend some type of olive branch because we were together. I am the type of person who has friends on mutual respect, great closeness and I no longer felt that way since my access to my network had changed. I pushed the long distance ones away too because it didn’t feel the same.  I learned through this season that this was the wrong way to approach things.  Not only that so was sitting in the house day in and day out wasn’t the best way to meet anyone. So I was stuck and miserable for years like this.

Image result for kandi gif

Thank goodness my friends were forgiving and understanding as only one ever knew what was happening.  Only one of them had the sense to address me on it and call me out. I appreciate that.  That isn’t a dig to anyone so don’t take it as such.  Not many of them saw me when I would have outbursts. I did well in open environments and to this day this is one of the reason why I do NOT like pop ups.  I need to prepare for visits.  It’s not personal it’s that I know what I need and I make others respect it even if they don’t like it. I am not ashamed of that.

Image result for black women celebrating

I learned how to love myself, how to show love and most importantly how to let others in.  I learned that I didn’t have to carry everything alone and that support looks different when you don’t hold on to the ideologies of what its supposed to be.  Change is hard but in change you find that the ones who have your back won’t change.

Cherish your friendship.  As you progress through various stages of life, some friend will drop off.  There’s nothing you can do about that.  Show love and support no matter how far and near your friends are who have been in your corner through it all.  Know that disagreements and bumps in the road are to be expected.  Remain respectful at all times. If a friendship does end make sure you try to work it out.  Don’t throw a whole friendship over an emotional off the bat without calming down, talking it out, and attempting to make peace.

To all of my girlfriends who have nurtured me and have stood the test of time, I salute you!!!!! Thank you for being amazing women to me during these years.  I pray I can continue to sprinkle the same love your way for the years to come!

Image result for black girl magic

Weekly Recap: Friday October 13, 2017

Happy Friday the 13th.  Cue in the scary movie noise! I do not, let me repeat like scary movies but I am going to a scary movie premiere tonight for an amazing artist with Basement Bartle Productions; You Die First so y’all just pray my strength in the Lord.  I am a PK (preachers kid) to the bone and just recently got the courage to go out on Halloween night.  I know it sounds crazy but any of my other PKs would totally understand.

So let’s recap this week!

Personal Goals

This week has been fulfilling and tiring to say the least but that’s how life hits when you’re having fun, right?  Right. So as you know and should have read I spent one amazing weekend in Miami with friends.  I had the time of my life.  Read about it if you haven’t done so already.  However what I forget to say is that I also sprained my ankle. My husband says it happened while standing on tables dancing. I say let’s go with that if it will make it more interesting.  My dancing on table days are beyond over, but I did have a great time.

Shout out to my little brother who celebrated an amazing 29th birthday.  Yes he is my little brother even at 29.  He’s still my little baby boo and I wish him an amazing year as he ends his last years in his 20s.  Oh to be young again!

I was able to catch up on my dental appointment which as always is A1.  Which brings me to a few questions for my readers-its almost the end of 2017 and if you haven’t had the following (where applicable) you need to get on it:

  1. Physical/Check up
  2. Dental Exam
  3. Eye Exam
  4. Obgyn/Gyncological Exam
  5. Urology Exam
  6. Mammogram
  7. Blood work up
  8. Nutritionist
  9. All follow-up exams/appointments

Do not make an excuse.  Your health issues or potential ones you don’t know about doesn’t go away just because you don’t go and see about it.  Your health is your wealth.  Healthy bodies and minds are necessary to navigate in this world.  Often our failure to attack things head on prolongs our ability to fix it or get an answer.  So be vigilant and get those in your home and you care about to do the same.  I have a calendar to keep my family on track.  Everyone in my home after this month will be up to date with everything to end the year healthy.  Also if you believe in them get a flu shot especially for the elderly, the young, and those with compromised immune systems.

Blog Goals

So we had a busy week. I love blogging, it’s never a chore to me or for me.  I get asked how do you blog as often as you do, take care of you and your family, work a full-time job and still find time to socialize?  It’s called balance and perspective and saying no when I can’t do anymore.

This week we covered a lot, my blogs overwhelmingly positive, what is support, my Miami girls trip, the Blackish episode on postpartum, sexting, and finally keeping it clean-and it’s not what you think.  Catch up ToiTime

Upcoming Events

I have another 5k coming up in November.  So the training doesn’t stop.  I had to wrap my ankle and be creative with working out but I look forward to getting back into the gym and now the track with some fellow runners starting this weekend.  Won’t he do it?! I have been feeling heavy sitting during my lunch period.  It’s weird how I never wanted to be a gym rat until I became one, but gym really is life.

I also will be full swing into my blogiversary prep.  Can you believe it?  3 years is coming November 1st and we celebrate all month-long.  So be on the look out. I want to do it bigger and better every year.

Just like in the last update its time to shift into holiday mood. I have so many blogs on what to do during the holidays that I will be doing a lot of reposting and focusing more fresh blogs on the mental and emotional aspect of how to survive the holidays.  Fall and Winter are the crucial times for depression I want to make sure you are covered with ways to handle that and the anxiety that comes along with all of that over what sweater to wear and what not to drink at the holiday party.

So stick around. Follow me on Facebook 

Follow me on Snapchat as ToiTimeblog

Follow me on Twitter

 

 

 

Welcome To Miami

Well as promised here is my recap of an amazing girls trip.  I have been to Miami several times and not once have I ever had a bad time.  Let ms say that fun was had by all.  We went to celebrate my friend Cheryl’s 37th birthday. I think she had a good birthday.  Shout out to the friends who weren’t able to make it this time, I am sure there will be other opportunities.  You were missed!

So I wont detail every moment but I will hit you with the highlights.  One this was my first time traveling on Jet Blue Airways.  They have the best snacks.  Southwest used to be my go to for flights with their snack boxes but as you know they switched out the snacks for free luggage.  Now yes I paid the 25 for the luggage on Jet Blue but the flight attendants were awesome and the snacks were even better.  So it was a win-win for me. The airlines are rolling a new program that for the folks that want to fly budget, it will cost you.  For one you have to pay for your luggage to be checked and you are ONLY allowed one carry on that must fit under the seat.  Which means like a handbag or one small bag not a suitcase of any sort.  Do not be fooled when I tell you they mean business.  If you show up trying to go through with a bag larger than a handbag or more than one they will immediately check it at a price to you.  So either get that above budget seat because the use of overhead compartments for budget seating is not happening.

IMG-4438

Once off our flight, the humidity hit us so super hard.  It was a bit overwhelming.  It’s been years since I have had to use an asthma pump but I thought I might need it.  No stopping team no sleep was in full effect. We were all over the South beach strip eating, drinking and laughing.  Later that night we ventured off to Liv Miami.  The guest of the night was none other than Dj Khaled.  We were in the front of the action.  Let me say, he really is his own hype man.  It’s not just something he does on television.  He believes in his brand and makes others believe in it too.  I also had the pleasure of meeting @Lalasizahands89.  She was super nice.  If you don’t know her follow her on Instragam at that handle and you won’t be disappointed.  Word to the wise she ain’t for the stuffy so head over at your own risk.

margaritas

dranks

The next day after we got in at 6am, yes 6am we got some rest and started up for another adventure. It’s been years definitely prekid days of coming in before the sun came up.  I had a blast.  We decided to do one of those double-decker bus tours of Miami Beach area. It was great.  We zoomed past Usher and Diddy’s house. I did my little “take that” dance as we rolled past.  It was good to see the city so high up off the ground. It definitely gave a better perspective than just walking.  The tour guide was super awesome.  We had to rush home because after stopping at Bubba Gumps restaurant, shopped and did some more walking and drinking we had to hurry to get to our reservation for Drinkhouse Fire and Ice Lounge.  This was probably the highlight of my trip.  It was hella cold in there.  Of course we had the fur coats, socks, and fur boots because let’s face it, frost bite is not of the Lord but the dancing, drinks and fun was super amazing.  However the entire room is full of ice.  It was magical with the lights changing colors and the drinks out of you guessed it, ice cups.

miamiice9

ice

Overall the trip was fun. It was good to get away.  It’s always good to celebrate daily and why not take a trip to celebrate a birthday if you can.  I definitely would recommend going to Miami. The culture is amazing.  I learned a lot more on this trip than in previous years.  You could see minimal damage from the Hurricane but they are making it better. We had nothing but great hospitality, great food, even better drinks, and a renewed sense of friendship.  To the next girl’s trip!!!!

Weekly Recap: October 5, 2017

So let’s recap what has been going on in the last week.  I want to send a special love and prayers to all of the victims and their families of the Las Vegas shooting.  I can’t begin to imagine what families are doing to wrap their minds and hearts around all of this.  This is being called the worst shooting massacre of all time.  That is crazy that in 2017 we have people having the ability to get ahold of that much high artillery and murder.  I am not anti guns I am for some type of reforms to change.

Personal Goals

I want to think every single reader who read my two blogs from the past weekend.  I raised good money for the Light the Night Foundation as well as had good time in my 5k race.  That in of itself is a blessing.  This time last year I was overweight and miserable in my own skin.  This year through hard work I am keeping my weight under control and running more races.  Thank you for all of the support. It’s important for me to be transparent throughout this whole transformation.  Losing the weight on the outside isn’t anything compared to losing the weight on the inside.

Shout out to my kids’ school for celebrating 100 years opened.  They go to a Catholic school and in Philadelphia where schools are closing left and right, that is a huge ordeal.  My kids enjoyed being on live television and the celebration will continue into this month.

Blog Goals

We are still pushing content even with a busy life.  Won’t he do it.  I am gearing up for next month’s blogiversary.  Trying to continue securing prizes, etc and deals for my followers.  If you haven’t already it would be in your best interest to be following me on my ToiTime Facebook Page

This is where a lot of my updates will be.  I will not be making each update via a blog.  Announcements and things to watch will be on the page and you don’t want to miss a thing.  We gave away a lot of prizes last year as well as had discounts on great products to help set your new year up.  I try to focus on every area, single, married, parent support, weight, and job searches so that we can be a better version of ourselves.  So click the link, and follow along.

If you missed any of this week’s blogs than you missed about the Light the Night walk, the Sweat with your Sole 5/10K, how to ace your job review, adult but not grown, emotional health, an Ask Toi about being too positive and lastly about being grateful.  So as always you need to catch up at ToiTime

Upcoming Events

I will be traveling this weekend and am making myself limited.  I have set up on my Facebook page some alerts and things to be mindful of ahead of time.  I will be away on a girls trip that as always I will blog about.  In the meantime make sure you enjoy your weekend and if you are off for the Columbus Day holiday, remember to set your goals for the week.  The hustle doesn’t stop on vacation.  It gets stronger so there are more vacations to be had.

I am also still very much working out and getting my life.  I have a race in November to prepare for again and remember my small goals one being Halloween costume fitting.  Halloween is at the end of the month so I will be ready to slay this year.  No more crazy looks from last year.

As the holidays began to roll in I will give my suggestions on how to stay sane.  Another issue with the holidays is being booed up or if you’re being cuffed during cuffing season.  It’s a thing. Let me remind my married folks on a side note, please stop acting as if you don’t remember the days when you were missing the embrace of a fine woman or man.  Married folks kill me at times with their amnesia.  People want to be in a relationship but haven’t found one they want to invest in.  Let’s not look down on them because of that.

 

With that in mind I am leaving this blog here for your memory on this #TBT:

Oldie but goodie
Have a great weekend and more blogs to follow next week and we will start out with a Sunday message.  I missed last week because the pain in my legs was messing with me to the point where recovery was my only option!