Ask Toi: What are my rights with my boyfriend while he’s in the hospital?!

To be honest girlfriends don’t have rights! I know that sounds harsh but….. it’s the truth!

Even if you two live in the same house won’t matter in you making decisions because end of day, you’re not his wife. What I can say is going forward if he feels that he wants you to have more of a say he should have a power of attorney and health directives done and notarized that states you are the one to be in charge. You can’t just simply be in love and not have proper paperwork in place

Same as if you’re living together, check laws of your states. If you’re name isn’t on the lease you may find yourself in a sticky situation should he change his mind. Legal documentation should be the name of the game when you’re single or even engaged and feel as if you want to have marital responsibility without the actual marriage. Being engaged is not recognized as marriage regardless of how you feel. Feelings and legality do not always go hand in hand! People don’t think about that when you’re so in love and not thinking about protecting yourself. Also be sure your boyfriend even wants you to have that much say should he not be able to speak for himself. Your relationship might not have gotten to that level as you think.

Being a girlfriend or life partner is nice but if this is the notion you and your man choose be sure to get paperwork so that it can’t be disputed or else his actual next of kin will be the one making those decisions even if it’s not the decisions that the one incapable to make those decisions want! Your boyfriend needs to be clear that as an adult he does what he wants done for his own life and having the proper paperwork will help! Protection is the name of the game and I hope your boyfriend makes a speedy recovery!

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Sunday Message: That’s Just How they Are…

Listen there are a number of folks that do not like me. I am okay with it. The feeling may even be mutual. However what I won’t tolerate is mistreatment of kids whether they mine or not. Kids will forever be off-limits for eva. I don’t understand why any adult thinks it’s okay to involve kids in the midst of adult issues?! Besides kids is the inability for those who like to start issues and play mannequin when you don’t want to deal with their excuse of “that’s how I am” anymore, be vigilant.

I’ve had some bold ones use the excuse of that’s just how so and so is. I’m looking at them like ok ma and? (In my Jayz voice) Just because you are of a certain age is not the prerequisite to be disrespectful. I know the older you get the more your give a care is alerted, but out right nastiness is not going to be tolerated in this day and age when folks is trying to be on the do better. Be aware of those who won’t change and meet you in the middle especially when they are the culprit or the initiator of an issue. My mom used to say they “throw rocks and hide their hands.”

These are the same types of folks that get amnesia after they have done something and can’t understand why you don’t want to deal with them. They will make themselves the victim after offering up a petty apology and then tell others that at least they said sorry. Watch them. They are the same ones who generally are found in drama. Remove yourself from them.

If that’s how you are and you’re:

Mean

Ignorant

Uncaring

Selfish

Drama filled

These are the some of the things I don’t want to just deal with! It’s not up to me as a receiver to deal with. This is a personal issue that you can leave alone and force those around you to either take or take off. You don’t get to spew foolishness on others and then hide behind that’s apart of personality and dare someone to stick with you when you aren’t attempting to change!

Let me say I found this hard lesson a few years ago within myself. I had to come to grips even when the mirror was being held to me from a source I could have easily dismissed. I had to realize that the person’s tactics was wrong in their delivery but the truth was in the middle. So I separated myself and did my own work. Sometimes it takes that to get things right. However continuing to defend my own bad behavior or those around me isn’t being accountable either.

Be accountable for you! You know what was said about you was true! You know you have things that rub folks the wrong way in your home and outside of your home. Your personality can take you places and it can also deny you entry to places as well. Be honest with yourself. My mom always said “everyone ain’t telling the same lie.” So if you’re hearing recurring messages about you, it may be time to take inventory.

Do not be discouraged. It will hurt when you accept the things about yourself. But push through it. Trust me when you do stop taking excuses from yourself its super easy to hold those around you to the same standards. When I hear excuses I just mark people. I realize they aren’t at the point of receiving. I don’t necessarily cut them off about it until their behavior becomes toxic. Once it becomes toxic I don’t have to entertain it on the strength of any relationship.

I’ve been reading blogs by other bloggers about toxic mothers lately. These are men and women who believe that their mothers are toxic. I don’t think there is a higher relationship outside of a love interest on Earth than a mother. If people are willing to separate the toxicity that a mother can bring I think you can separate from a friend, associate, coworker or any other family relationship. No one is worth your peace. No one is worth that level of stress.

We have to be careful of what we project. Sometimes you can mean well and think you are being true to yourself and come off with attitudes, stuck up etc. Being who you want to be is crucial in self-development. If who you are coming off is not what you want others to take away from an interaction with you than it’s time to find a better delivery or do an inward search. Our delivery around certain people could be nervousness. Like when you go on your first date and you’re super nervous and awkward. If it’s that, you can work on it. If you’re always show boating, speaking ill of others, demeaning, or rude that is all about who you are inside. Those things need worked on.

I pray this Sunday message that you look inward and deal so you can deal with those around you. In dealing with those around you do not allow the excuses of “this is just who I am take it or leave,” sway you. You may have to take them up on that offer and simply leave it, and leave them alone. It doesn’t have to be a final chapter close. It could be seasonal. Don’t accept the excuses from yourself or those around you!

Love is….Forever?

Whew!! How Derrick gon show up on the scene like that! I mean typical man who is out here doing his thing and now Derrick wants to get back and came with a ring! My mouth dropped! Like how in the world?! Closure with an ex is tricky. It’s nice to get but not always necessary. Ex girlfriends and boyfriends relationships can be so messy. I think for the relationships that at the time I felt I needed closure I’ve had it! The ones that I haven’t I surely do not need so if there is an ex reading this, this isn’t an open invitation, I’m good love, enjoy!!

The Come Up

Yasir is making moves sort of! He is at the place where he wants to be on his own and he has found a spot. The only issue is it may not be the place he needs to be. Yasir in this new environment may not be good for his overall journey!

Yasir said one line that made me pause:

Some women over clean their environments as a reflection of how they didn’t have control over their bodies! I can see one control over another! This is simply one observation so don’t shot the messenger!

Back to Proposals

Nuri asked Yasir to marry him. I was thinking is this cause Derrick has now shown up with his ring?! It’s super normal to be over engulfed in love and think this means you never want to be apart but let me give a little caution to others, be cautious of taking this plunge. I know some couples who have been married for more than 20 years from these types of encounters and others who have been divorced quicker than the ink has dried on the paperwork!

Ex Factor

Yasir goes back to his “place” with Ruby! And once there he sees Ruby getting on with someone whom they were supposed to meet up with for business in the morning. Yasir didn’t call before he came over. This is a number one rule. Never show up uninvited!! Yasir asked or should I say knocked on the door while Ruby was handling her business about his prayer rug! I kept yelling at the television Sir, you ain’t have this rug this whole time and you were coming over in the morning so why?! Ugh all this drama!!

Rings and keeping of rings….all I have to say is you gotta watch this because I’ve never seen nothing like this….

Love is….an alarm to wake up?! Not necessarily…..

Love is season one and done! See you for season 2!!

Meatless and Surviving

So I decided to go meatless this week. Like for real no meat this whole week. I did so great that now the debate is will I add meat back in?! I decided to do this once a month in preparation for my fall runs and races. However between a few friends and a few blogs I follow and I have been fulfilled and eating too good.

I think when you tell yourself you aren’t going to have something the more you want it. All the food I’ve made this week has had me in my bag. Everyone who knows me knows I meal prep all year long. Even my family meals, because it ensures that we can eat dinner and meals within reason. I would encourage everyone to meal prep. Although it’s a lot of work to cut and prep and cook food ahead of time the wins during the week surpass anything I could think. I’ve been meal prepping since I returned to work from being a stay at home mom a few years ago! It started with wanting my kids to have the same level of home cooked meals they had when I was home with them all day!

So how strong has the meat demon been on my back?! Hella strong. I was making my family’s plates like Lawd let me touch just one piece but nope I would just say no and fix my plate with my selections and I was fine. My kids asked me if I was going to be a vegetarian all my life?! I let them know I’m not sure but I’m not dieting at all just replacing things to live a healthy lifestyle and of course I offered them a few bites but nope they wouldn’t bite. I’m going to tell my other food is super healthy and see if they leave me selections alone. It’s worth a try!!

So the reason I decided I was going meatless is it was a suggestion from a friend of mine who is training for her Fall runs. We run together and I was talking to her about my goals. I have so many on my calendar that I want to make sure I’m super ready. When I’m preparing for runs I find my body weight won’t change but how lean I appear looks more refined in the Fall then the Summer!!

So instead of allowing the meat demon roll up on me, I listened to a few of my friends and my meals have been great. I’ll keep you updated should I continue this journey more than one week in a month but for now I reign victor!!

Shout out to Quorn I swear there food was awesome all week I had such variety and I know meatless shouldn’t taste good or at least I thought, but this brand hands down can take all my money it’s so good!!

Never Skip A Nail Appointment

Now let’s keep it real, one not everyone can go to the nail salon on the regular basis. Two those who can go will miss an appointment from time to time but………never miss a nail appointment. The reason is simple, you miss out on your self-care, me time and a word from time to time. You can be creative and get your time in for yourself even if you have to be creative to make it happen!

I remember the days when I was a stay at home mom complaining about getting my nails done. First of all my fiancé at the time always encouraged me to go. However during that time in my life I was on my complaint mode. Everything was more than it needed to be and nothing was super serious. So I skipped a thousand times over. I would then complain about missing and to be honest I was just a miserable human!

Today I went and got my nails done and I laughed when an older woman came in. She sparked conversation and she was telling me about how she’s 85 years young and she has yet to skip. Can I tell you, she was fly?! She said to me never forget who you are. Everyone knows when you go to a nail or hair salon there’s either tea or a word there. Today was a word. She told me about her husband who had passed away 5 years ago. She said that he encouraged her to have balance. She told me to do the same! She said her life was more fulfilling not because she got her nails done every 2 weeks but because she took the time out for herself to make sure she was good. She asked me how often did I come. I told her every 2 weeks she asked, faithfully?! I let her know that yes I do! She said take care of you because no one will pour into you like you! I stopped sipping my wine and she said no baby keep sipping this is your time! I usually go on Saturdays but I switched it up today and was met by the most encouraging woman ever!

Before I left she told me to keep doing what I am doing and that all things would work out!! She also said make sure you take care of you! I said yes ma’am! Listen she put a lot of young women to shame. It made me think of how that’s how it really should be when you come into the presence of an older woman. You really should always get a word but we need more women being examples instead of trying to compete! That woman was a beam of beauty, poise, and light! May she be blessed!

So ladies, never miss a nail appointment!

Wholeness in all levels of life

It’s Summer time.  Ladies you are going to be hit on even more than before.  I don’t care if you have on a dress that looks like a curtain its coming. With Summer fling in the air let me help you wit a few reminders. We women are trying to “live our best life.” With that being said the concept that as long as you are connected to someone you have won mentality needs to be adjusted.  Single is not a death sentence and everyone you see married isn’t happy.  Wholeness is the move no who you are connected to.

Single and Satisfied

Ladies not being attached is a beautiful thing. However there is a lot of things that we need to be doing while you are single.  Let me help you now these are not the list of things to help you secure a man.  If you want to be with someone in due time it will happen.  There is no get a man quick theory to apply.  You will most likely find him as you live.  You have to get out of your home to find him or as the good book says he will find you.  You need to be out here living.  You not having someone to share moments with can be annoying.  However the one thing about being single is that you don’t have to check in with another person. You simply desire something, make a plan and execute that plan. Something that married women forget about.

If you haven’t traveled, gone on non church conferences that are simply about bettering yourself, taken a girls trip, solo trip, or just carved out “me time” you are living your single life wrong. The most common reason people complain about being single is because they are only focused on living this “life” attached.  Yes you get tired of being around your girls, or doing things on your own,  but half the time if you are only staying local I could see why. Change your environment. Go where the water is blue, explore your city, get out. Single doesn’t have to be boring unless you choose that for yourself. I’ll come back to my single lades in a minute.

Married and Miserable

News flash, not all married folks are miserable.  Married folks got struggles just like the single folks do.  People think, well you may have 2 incomes, a warm person to lie down next to you and bam life is solved.. Wrong. Some individuals spend so much time on getting with someone and less on themselves that they join just for joining sake. Just to have a new last name. Just to have a wedding. Just so they can be on social media frauding.  They have no sense on what it means to really join to another human.  They have no concept of being there for someone in their lowest state. They have no concept when the sex goes left and they start wanting more.  They have no concept when one person stops working or is unable to work. They have no concept of when you have kids in the midst and how hard it is to make this family structure work.

How about the times when you want kids and can’t?  These are the things that when you are single you think you are strong enough to handle until life happens…. Marriage is beautifully flawed. Most folks only see the glitter and gold but they have no idea the fire that goes to make gold shine. If you aren’t ready to commit to the bad then pause your desire to enter this lifelong commitment.

Ride or Die

When you hear Beyoncé tell Jayz that she’s her ride or die, does it make you feel warm and fluffy?  The concept of ride or die needs revamped.  Sometimes we ride for things that we shouldn’t.  You are not a rider in a marriage if you constantly deal with a cheating spouse.  You are not a ride or die just because you know he or she is lying but you stay just to show loyalty.  Things do happen.  Relationships are hard.  Sometimes you riding for the wrong team mate.  Let me say that real loud for the ones in the back, stop riding for the wrong team mate.  If you are unmarried the list of what you tolerate should be small.

Marriage sometimes makes you take  step back but even in that don’t be no fool.  How many times have I heard of a single person taking a boyfriend or girlfriend back and the question is why?  What have they done to earn that spot in your life?  What are they doing behind doors that makes you tolerate that?  Please understand that this pattern won’t get better over time.

Single, married, divorced, and separated the battle to move around in these statuses are overwhelming a lot of people.  Married people suffering all kinds of stuff in silence, single people losing their minds literally to be married, divorced people trying to do all kinds of things just to make their wife or husband they claim they don’t want suffer, is all too much.

Being with someone is great when you put the energy into being in your own skin that much better. Whole people coming together with another whole person makes a bomb power couple.  Being a whole person makes one bomb woman or man regardless if you are connected or not.  Being whole and getting over the hurt in your failed marriage will make you a better whole person instead of finding the mate you left in another form and complaining as if its everyone else’s fault that you haven’t done your inner work. Wholeness takes work.  It is a daily job.  The undertaking moves past doing only to attract.

The work goes into being happy all

around. This is why in some marriages one person can’t carry another miserable person. This is why in life, miserable people need not be overwhelmed with status but in inner peace.

National Girlfriends Day

Happy national girlfriends day to all of my girlfriends. Girlfriends make life that much better! They are understanding, real, and dependable. They are the glue in your life that you never knew you needed.

When I was in my 20s I used to say things about keeping my circle small because I didn’t want to deal with drama from other females. Truth moment is that the one who was about the drama was me. My relationships with females had more to do with me than what others were capable of doing. Family you don’t choose but friends you do. Anyone I attracted was a reflection and is a reflection of who I am! I’ve taken full responsibility of that today. I was warned many a day about it and was super blind! However as I mature some relationships don’t carry that much weight as they did back in the day!

My girlfriends mean the world to me. Each have different functions but all of them are super dear to me. They are some of the most encouraging people I’ve met. They make me feel like I can do anything. They keep me accountable. I am a better woman, because of my girlfriends. I would like to thank them and they know who they are!

If you are lucky to have good girlfriends nurture those relationships. Spend time, remember special days, be there for them, celebrate them, hold their hand when they need it, and be their biggest cheerleaders! Girlfriends are like diamonds in that they are truly rare! Cherish them and send them a message today of all days letting them know how much they mean to you! Don’t take for granted their place in your life!

Happy National Girlfriends Day!!!