Surgery update 2.0

So thank you to all who tuned into my first update. I have read your messages and trust me I can feel the love and support. It’s love and support that gets most surgery patients of any kind through.

Since my first update I have gone back to the doctor. He has found a few things. One they did the pathology and concluded there was no cancer. Can we say amen?! However what he did discover is that one I had a few fibroids that I wasn’t aware and never showed up on any ultrasound I have ever had. Another issue is that my uterus would hemorrhage every time I would have my cycle. So when I would have a period I would bleed out and internally as well.  So that would explain why I was having blood issues and couldn’t figure out after I had done all the lifestyle changes it was still messed up.

These are issues that my Obgyn before him didn’t push and I being my own advocate didn’t until 2017 and I was determined to end all of these issues. So to my ladies or to the men who have special women in your lives push them to take their feminine health very seriously. This could be the wake up call. If something doesn’t add up as it didn’t when I changed, I refused to leave until we figured it out. That is how we came to my personal and medical choice to have a hysterectomy. I’m not saying run out and get it done but for someone who was in my health crisis and already had her tubes tied this is what was best for me.

So he of course encouraged me to work out. I have no problem with that except it ain’t going down until I am no longer in pain to the touch. I am not doing the most during this healing time. He has encouraged me to walk 3 times a week for 30 minutes and that’s more doable than straight workouts. I am still managing pain. So one goal at a time.

He has me on hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  For me the choice was in the form of a patch. I absolutely hate taking pills. Plus with the patch it’s the lowest dose possible.  I like the idea of that. The second I put it on I could feel the medicine. Not like some time warp machine type of feel but like a slight rush of medicine.  My hopes is that it will stop my hot flashes and night sweats.


The pain has become more manageable in the last few days. I have switched over to full Motrin.  I am more comfortable with that as I do not like the way that Percocet makes me feel.  I am hoping to have less pain and begin to get back to my normal life. In the meantime I am enjoying my husband and kids make sure I am good. It’s almost like when I was pregnant except without the lifetime responsibility of a child in the end.

I have driven since my doctor has allowed me to. It’s not something I want or will just do to do. I’m talking about a few minutes from the house type of driving.  Again my pain levels need to be better before I drive off into the sunset.

A few more things I am noticing:

1. I was about to schedule a pap when I thought wait, I don’t need to come back to see my doctor for a year. This will take getting used to because my yearly appointments are usually made in July.

2. Mood swings are less right now.  I don’t feel that rush of emotions that takes place as my cycle would be normally about to start. Ladies you know right well what I mean.  I did cry when I dropped my frozen coffee but I think I would have done the same without the surgery. If you have had one from Dunkin you know how amazing they are. No I’m not cheating on Starbucks but there isn’t a close one around me like it was near my job.

3. I have a lot of sanitary pads that I will be giving away to family. I don’t need them and no need to have a bunch not being used.

4. During this process my kids haven’t been able to be super close to me. The one affected the most is my 3 -year-old is struggling with the most. She is used to snuggling every night. She has asked me when this is over? If you remember in my birth story of my 3 year old, my son who was barely 2 at the time jumped on my belly when I had her. This was after my c-section. I was in the hospital and the now 3 year old was with her dad until I recovered. Once home she wouldn’t go to anyone including her dad. She is super close to me especially at night but to avoid another internal bleed we kept the kids at bay.

5. It’s much harder to parent from the bed or from the chair.  I am used to doing it all and working full-time. However my husband has had to step up. So now I can’t say a thing about what he is doing even though I want to. Right now my vote isn’t a veto but it is more silent.

6. Sleep. I haven’t slept this much in a long time. My mom told me sleep was the best way to heal. I get up and get cleaned up and walk around but other than that I have yet to be up a full day. Sleep is my new bestie. I am getting okay with that.


7. Phone calls-they have been limited to my family. I have texted more to my close friends. The reason is I’m not used to having free time to talk. Before all of this I wasn’t one to be on the line outside of my husband and mom.  Now I have time to be and everyone is doing their normal things and I’m okay with the lack of calls.

8. Hair I haven’t seen hair falling out and I pray I don’t. I have researched that some people’s hair thins out. If it should happen I’ll update but now it’s still curly and thick as it was when I went to have my surgery.

9. Stomach-ladies if you ever had a baby and remember leaving with that bulging baby belly that irritates you that is what I am working with. Again with several cuts on my upper belly, and all the work below that it is still tender and very bloated.  So ice packs and warm compresses have been helping.  So loose clothing works. Since I lost weight it’s been shorts and a t-shirt type of life.  I’m not going places. Other than that I use my night-gown shirts that my girlfriend sent me. No need to have anything touching me if I don’t have to.


10. I have lost about 5 pounds even with my extended swollen belly. So yay for that. The one thing my husband said the day after surgery is that I looked skinnier and my doctor said the same thing when I saw him the other day. So win for me!

Let me continue to give a shout out to my husband for all he’s done. For all of the food runs and hand holding. Listen I have wanted to do more and he’s given me the side eye like you better lay there and no get up for stuff you don’t need. So I don’t. I’m grateful that he has gotten me just about whatever I have wanted and has ignored me when I say I don’t need medicine.

The recovery time for this surgery is 2-8 weeks. So I will see how long it takes me. Every woman is different and how their bodies reacts is different. However for basic recovery that is the standard and it’s really around 6-8 weeks to be honest. The same as when you have a child. And to be totally healed like when you have kids can take more around a year to really know where you are.  We tend to rush back to life and most like me, work is calling and life doesn’t just sit and deactivate just because you have had surgery.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I have gotten from women from different walks of life who have been through this is that you will immediately feel better but take the time to heal. Feeling better and being better takes time.

Ask Toi: What should I do if someone from my past or new love interest knocks and I’m already connected?!

If you’re already connected and the interested person doesn’t know you need to tell them. If they know but still pushing up than know they just like the chase and want to see if you will take the bait.

As an adult it’s your choice who you are with period. This means even if you just want a one night or one time physical relationship as an adult it’s up to you. Not everyone wants a commitment but be true to yourself. Don’t say you don’t want a commitment in hopes that you can later change a person’s mind. 

If you are already connected either by dating or marriage than you know that the answer is a no for now. With that being said it’s best to thank the person for the interest and move along. In a dating situation boundaries need to be made. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t have anything to entertain another person.  If you’re married the boundary was made on your wedding day and you end it. 

The past is the past. It can be a beautiful reminder of what was but it takes a lot to dig the past up, revive it and make it work. Ask anyone including me how much work it takes to date someone from your past.  It’s not super easy.  It’s never a good idea to open the door to a past or new interest because if you do it says more about you than the person knocking. People don’t realize that a person who will cheat or entertain someone else but expect loyalty from the person they were originally connected to shows they have NO loyalty at all. You want what you can’t or won’t give. This goes for men and women. So if you’re connected say thanks, nice talking to you, and seal the door of communication. 

Let me guess you can handle it right? Wrong. You start catching up. Then you exchange emails at first, then phone numbers, than social media and now you can’t get this person off your mind.  You absolutely not giving the person you were connected to any of your valuable time because your sharing space with someone else. Now if your just dating and no commitment with anyone than that’s your right. However don’t mess over another individual while taking space with another while connected or committed to a person. You might lose on both relationships. 

Ask Toi: How do I handle if a person highlights one child over another one of my children in public? 

I’m trying to understand. If you are talking about in the example of saying maybe how cute or how whatever one child is over another than there’s only one real way of handling it. Build your children up at home. Children only notice differences if they are blatantly outrageous like if someone says one child is cute and then makes a statement that the other(s) aren’t. I would speak up in that instance. However in general I don’t see an issue with strangers saying something about one child over another.  This is my personal stance on it.

I have 3 kids. People stop me to say things to them but generally speak to all of them. My kids are outspoken in that if and when someone speaks to one they make their own point to say hello back especially if they see me engage with a person. Not one time to my knowledge have my kids ever said or shown signs of being intimidated or less confident when interacting in public. They can hold their own. I believe in teaching them they will not be everyone’s cup of tea but that makes no bearing on what they bring to this world and who they are. We teach them to acknowledge how they feel but not to let it dampen their light. Someone saying how cute one child is doesn’t take away the beauty of my other 2 children. We stress how confidence, being true to themselves, and finding out who they are makes them the most beautiful even in a crowded room.

I would suggest the same. Strong people have feelings but they can only be broken by a stranger’s quick interaction if you the parent let it go too far. Take charge in how they are encouraged and loved on at home and they will be quick witted in public.

Our hearts ache…

Good morning

I am still fine tuning some of the articles and women that we will show case this month. There are a few things we must talk about that kind of are back bones of us all male or female.  Our parents.  Yes the parents that you have and the atmosphere for how you were raised sets the forever tone of your existence.  Don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be what your environment says you are but those who break from it do it because they work hard. It’s not something that you just do and its super easy.  Only those who know better will do better.  Those who know better and don’t make that choice.  We all have choices.

What I love about this women’s month s that women are realizing more and more everyday that they are capable of anything.  One of the things is left unchecked is our hearts.  You can be a CEO of a big company and still have missing pieces of your heart that never really get filled.  Let’s explore this more in detail.

Parents

How you’re raised says a lot.  If you were in a single parent home you can be strong but admit that there was a few things that you missed.  Having 2 involved parents is key. Involved parents who care about their children give children a level of confidence that can’t be described.  They are usually more adjusted than those who are not.  That doesn’t mean that 2 parent home kids are perfect and don’t have struggles because we ALL know they can.  Having one of your parents absent for whatever reason is a struggle. You long for their presence.  A child feels like they are the reason or feel unloved.  That unloved feeling can have them reach for things in their life that isn’t healthy but it can also have them replace things too.  For instance, a child could possibly turn to drugs to fill it but what is the difference between a person who reaches for drugs, sex, relationships or even things like education which seem to be good.  Yes even things that come off as being a better option can be damaging as well.  A person who school becomes their solace may get so wrapped into school that they aren’t even going for reasons to better themselves but just want to go to keep busy.  What happens when they can’t get any more degrees? They end up substituting something else in its place. There is nothing wrong with education. The point is that lack of one thing can make you gravitate towards anything to fulfill a need. Parents are needed to help develop everyone.  There are men and women out here needing the love of their parent and hurting in their lives because of it.

Image result for parents gif

One of the other things surrounding parents is when a parent passes away.  The hole that is left is indescribable.  There are some wounded people walking around.  Parents passing feels like you yourself have passed away and especially if it’s a mother.  That void never is right.  Some people respond to death in different ways.  Some people seem fine but literally are never back to their usual selfs even years later.  What you see as someone “acting out” could be them showcasing their hurt.  What we label people does matter.  I know of plenty who called others all kinds of stuff but had no idea that the one they were talking about was in deep hurt. If you do NOT know a person. I mean the  type of know where you know their blood type and you see them being whatever in your mind to help, remember two things: you aren’t perfect and you need to attempt to aid in their healing and not in their down fall.  To many times the ones that want to help aka talk behind people’s back especially in the name of prayer are the ones who need the deepest of knee time.  Stay in your lane if you aren’t equipped to assist those in real love.

Image result for parents gif

Past relationships

You can break things off with someone and still feel like you don’t have to go and collect pieces of you all over the country.  However some bad breakups can leave people so super wounded that they cut off a new budding love from even coming into their lives. We all have seen the super jaded person.  They seem so super closed off, bitter, and every negative thing you can think of.  I know some people who have called women especially everything from hoes and bitches.  The reason that irks me is for a few reasons, I’m not going to lie I have wanted to call another woman a bitch.  It isn’t right but depending on what took place that is how I felt.  However this is why I check myself.  Calling another woman out of her name won’t fix the problem.  So if I say it or a man says it, does that make the person saying it feel better?  No.  That woman can be a lot of things but I attempt to stick to the situation inside of defaulting to bitch.

Image result for bad relationship

When you break up and the “gloves” come off is when either that woman can move forward and began healing or get caught in the back and forth of labeling. Same for men who women want to call everything but what they momma named them.  Break up sucks.Keep this rule in mind, if you don’t want to be called out your name refrain from doing the same.  The second thing is yes the pain is strong but knowing you walked away without having to stoop to the other person’s level means a lot.  It helps in your healing so while sorrys need to be given you won’t have to dish any out on the basis of an argument gone sour especially when 9 tines out of 10 first breakups result in getting back together.

Image result for relationship gif

Choices

There are a million ways a heart can be broken.  We obviously didn’t talk about them all.  There is one person responsible for our healing is that is us.  YES, us.  It seems unfair that others can be the cruelest and leave scars that we have to work through but the reality is that no one will come in and fix it but you.  You can say that you are one way due to all kinds of factors but trust me when I say even the most supportive get tired of hearing the same stories.  People check out.  We often think they shouldn’t but they should.  People don’t know how to do deal with broken pieces.  People are dealing with enough even if you think that aren’t.  Even in a marriage we put emphasis on them to be there but reality is they can’t fill your broken parts.  You will never get the full response from them.  If you try to keep pushing for it you and you alone will be looking crazy.  Someone love for you can’t be measured in terms on how much junk from your pass you can dump ob them and they push the layers off of you.  Even if you are doing your work to get it off of you, keep going. Your partner can have empathy but they aren’t built to be a fixer upper.  This walk may have to be walked alone.  Stop destroying your relationships by giving people the title of Mr. Fix it that don’t want it.  They were designed to walk with you not hold your bags and love on you two.  They are also not to use your bags or baggage against you either.

Image result for choices gif

Check you.  It’s not an easy thing.  Professionals help people heal but again they assist not do the work, how much less pressure do we need to talk off those around us who have not one degree?  Ladies especially we have to fight through the garbage that has been dumped into and on our lives.  No it’s not fair but life isn’t fair. Would you rather be whole or walk with your holes where you and everyone can see? Take charge and know that life hurts. Know that things aren’t going to be easy.  But you can take charge of your life.  DO it today.

 

Cat Fight Chronicles

You know there’s a thing about women being catty.  Not all women but quite a few.  The reason in my opinion as to why there are so many catty women in the world is that we don’t have enough women who are more interested in first building themselves and then other women.  Think about that. How many women know deep in their hearts that they see another beautiful woman and just automatically compliment her?  Think about how the beauty of another woman doesn’t take away from you but because you don’t even believe you alone are beautiful this woman who you 9 out of 10 times don’t even know intimidates you.  She makes you feel less than you are.  She makes you second guess what you have on. But SHE isn’t the issue the issue is more self-reflective.

Image result for catty women

Let’s give you some examples. If you watch just about any reality television and it doesn’t matter what race of women are involved the formula is always one and the same.  You get a group of women together and pin them against each other and bam you have instant ratchet and success.  So we love to watch it but say we would never act like that in real life. The real reality is that just because you aren’t throwing drinks in someone’s face doesn’t mean you don’t dabble in cat fights.  You dabble every time you engage in meaningless conversations where you tear down another woman.  Some people like to disguise it as “lifting another one up” like you’re in a church click.  Some disguise it as keeping it in the circle.  The best way to know if you are catty is that if you can’t and won’t repeat what you say about another woman to her face especially a stranger you are officially catty.  Let me say to my I can dish it out and I don’t hold my tongue ladies, you do.  You don’t ever say things in the same intensity that you described it to another person like you would to the actual person’s face.

Image result for catty women

Another example you and your man is out.  Your man glances not the whole look down of the woman.  Instead of acknowledging even if it’s within yourself that she is beautiful, is dressed nice, or has a nice body, the first thing is you slap him for glancing. Let’s not confuse this with the out right stare.  We are talking about a glance.  So deal with your man’s wandering eye but don’t knock the fact that the woman he saw is attractive in some form or else he wouldn’t have looked.  Unless your man is a scumbag and remember you choose him, than that woman isn’t getting his number just because of her attributes. She is not coming home with you unless you’re into that sort of thing.  There’s nothing she can do to your well-being or your relationship unless you allow it or your man allows it. She doesn’t take away from you.

Image result for catty women

Another example its hard to date or marry anyone with children.  We all know that baby moms and dads can be a handful but the reality is that they are going to be apart of your life.  I know plenty of women who fight their significant other.  For instance if you watch Love and Hip Hop New York you have Yandy, Samantha and Erica fighting over who was first, second or last.  Who had Mendencees heart etc.  I could go all day on why it’s not even apart of anyone’s need to fight over Mendencee but the reality is this is a common fight among women.  If you are on the scene now with the love of your life and the other past women isn’t currently involved, etc than just build your relationship with the one you are with.  No need to worry about who was first unless you are the current in the relationship getting cheated on.  Always deal with your man and not the other woman. Cattiness will keep you on team petty and at the end of the day 9 times out of 10 either you are making you look stupid or the man you ready to bust someone one’s head to the white meat is making you look even more stupid.

Let’s talk about ways to be less catty.

  1. Grow up-sorry no cute little saying to make it easier to read.  You need to grow within yourself.
  2. Build self confidence-this is something we all need a dose of anyway.  The more confident you are the better at reacting and engaging with other women you will be. Confidence makes a huge difference in how you see others.  The lens of perception gets clearer.
  3. Tell women when you see something you like about another woman i.e  a nice pair of shoes, a cute handbag, or outfit that you like it.  This is called a compliment.  Strong women are able to offer these freely because they know it doesn’t take away from who they are, what they have.
  4. Smile more.  When you smile more it really does help keep your focus on what is important in your life at any given moment.  Women who are miserable tend to strike against others the most.  Misery loves company never forget that.
  5. Disengage in negative behavior from other women.  We are the best at ending cattiness by dismissing it in our own circles.

I am not suggesting that changing cattiness is super easy because it’s not but it can and should be done.  You will find that uplifting each other is the best thing for all of us.  Take for example the Women marches that have taken place since Trump has been office.  If we united like that on an everyday school we all would be winning.

Nancy you have got to go…

You ever meet a real life negative Nancy?  The one who complains about the sun being in the sky.  They always have some rebuttal for everything you say.  They are dissatisfied in their own lives and the only time they have any joy is when they are needed or have any type of good happening in their life.  They also are the type to think that no one other than them has a good life even though in their life they complain.

So their name isn’t Nancy.  Insert whatever their names are.  I have been listening to people lately.  Not eavesdropping but just listening.  If you quiet your spirit and listen to the people you are in communication with you will notice the relationships that need to be cut.  You know getting cut hurts.  It may be a sad thing but having someone in your life that is draining is ever more hurtful.  You ever leave a conversation and then your life sucks even though before you were happy and content.  It’s the life sucker you just engaged yourself.  If you constantly are engaging in this type of behavior no wonder depression, hatred, envy, jealousy don’t leave you as quickly as it should.  You are drowning.

Image result for i'm not changing gif

You can be on top of the world and have Nancy comes and steals your happiness.  Note not all Nancy’s are life suckers.  The issue isn’t making them change because they won’t. Most negative Nancies don’t even see anything wrong.  They blame it on their personality.  Oh your personality calls for being a jackass to others? Being troubling? Always having something to say? Always giving unsolicited advice?  There’s a word and its called contentious.  I have been hearing this word for weeks and it wasn’t even being spoken. Some times contentious argumentative people like to talk and have anything to say just because they think they can.  If you say the sky is blue they will have something to say about it.  Like Lord, do you ever breath in happiness?  Also be careful if someone says you are that way, look at who you hang around.  9 times out of 10 that is your answer.  Like momma always said everyone ain’t telling the same lie.  So you can drop the fact that you aren’t liked by whomever.  The reality is your personality you want to hold onto so dear has rubbed them and probably a few of your cherished friends the wrong way too.  Admit it you are the Negative Nancy.

Image result for i'm not changing gif

Be honest about yourself before you start trying to figure out who amongst you is the negative Nancy.  If you know you could use a little more positivity in how you address life in general.  Then for Pete’s sake get there.  People are tired of your ways trust me.  The ones who don’t speak up to you know it too and they just limit their interactions to avoid the drama that is you.  I know what you’re thinking I stay to myself and I don’t cause problems, but you are wrong.  The mere fact that you are alone and already are negative when you do speak and interact you tear people down sometimes by your mere presence. You are being tolerated not celebrated.  That is an issue you can’t blame others for.

Image result for whatever gif

I would love to give  you a step by step but you know what you need to do you just won’t do it.  There is no middle ground.  It’s different when you are trying to do better and you fall and keep trying.  But there are so many set in their ways and have this take it or leave it personality.  Like really you are just that awful that change is beneath you?  Oh wait the rest of the world is supposed to deal with your bad attitude and ugly disposition.  You can’t smile and be positive?  Oh then the world should leave it.  You hurt any chances of real relationships being this way.  So if you want its going to have to be from a real place on the inside of you.  However to all of negative Nancies, ain’t nobody got time for you or your antics.

 

Sunday Blues

Am I the only one who spends their Sundays trying to get their entire life together? Literally from running around getting the house cleaned, meal prepping, church, relaxation  (whenever I can), laundry, etc there are not enough hours in one day. So as I shuffle around trying not to lose my composure I decided to let what can be, be.

The reality is that I have gotten to the point where my kids can assist. That means I wash and fold and they put away. They clean their own toys and we employ “help mommy time.” Help mommy time is when the kids do the chores that are age appropriate at the same time and that cuts my clean time down dramatically. Yes it works every time. I make the “church announcement” and bam things are set in motion. I did this after years of burning myself out while others were enjoying themselves.  Nope not going to happen.

So what are ways you enjoy your Sunday? Since I meal prep I like to do my Target and my Produce Junction run. I’m from Lancaster so fresh fruit and veggies are a must. Produce Junction is the closest to that home feel without going to Whole Foods and handing over my whole paycheck. No disrespect to Whole Foods but I got to plan my trips. My trips to get fresh fruit and veggies ensures that I cut down on buying food during the week and my food is prepped the way I want. 

Tonight is the Grammy’s so I will most likely still be shuffling around getting it done and rocking out to music. I do not put anymore pressure but believe before I go to bed, it will be done. I love Sundays and I know I’m not the only one wishing I had a little more Sundays in the weekend. Something about Sunday relaxes my spirit. I intentionally try to grab me a hot drink to sip and take it in.  So take a moment out of the hustle to enjoy the ones around you. Laundry will be there but loving yourself and keeping your wits is priceless.