Daily Women Crushers

As we continue to celebrate women’s history month, I want to shout out all women who are crushing their dreams.  Wednesdays are designated as #WCW or women crush Wednesday.  However daily women are failing, dusting themselves off and getting back out there and making it all happen.

Single women who are lonely and longing for relationship and finding ways to enjoy their single days and taking trips, starting businesses, becoming sound individuals without someone in their company. Those are daily women crushers.  They want to be with someone but aren’t allowing the lack thereof to stop them.  Until love finds them, they are out here making life happen for them under their own guidance, salute.

To the married woman who gives daily to her husband and attempting to be united, you are a daily woman crusher.  People think that marriage is a cure-all but it’s not.  It’s hard work to put someone else above your own.  It’s a union that actually makes you confront a lot of who you are or who you think you are.  Marriage is being there for someone and trying to keep the spark going regardless if that woman is tired or not, salute.  FYI the same should be done from her husband towards her.  If you find you are in a one way marriage, there are a few talks you and your husband need to have.

To the mother who is tired and feeling overwhelmed and still continues to get up before her house, getting things in order, and making it look effortless, you are a daily woman crusher.  To the days when those around you takes you for granted, and forget to say sorry or appreciate what you done, salute to you.  Salute to you when you lose yourself and literally have to pick yourself up before you can give again, salute to you.  Salute to you as you endure your body going through hell and back to deliver, salute to you.  Salute to you as you almost sometimes die on those tables waiting to hear that first cry, salute to you.  Salute to the women who have lost life many times and feel like their worth is tied to being a mother and can’t.  We salute you.  Just know that is a real pain. A real fear.  A real cry.  A real emptiness and I stand behind you and with you.

To the business woman who has to have her work checked twice just because she doesn’t have the same “member” as those on her team, salute to you.  Salute to the woman who is making moves after she was denied financing, salute to you.  Salute to the woman whose ideas failed many times before it took off, salute.  Salute to the woman who while accomplishing her goals, had the very folks who now want to stand with her after the fact and those same ones laughed, talked about, and ridiculed for that venture to pop, salute!

To the woman who has or is facing many demons and finding herself alone as she pushes towards getting her life together.  The ones that seem and feel like constant failures while others around her is flourishing.  The ones who say why not me too but they seem to be saying this only to themselves and there is no one around who understands you.  We salute you.  We get it.  We understand because as a woman regardless of what we have all accomplished we have all been public goals and secret failures.  Trust the process, understand that it will work out. Even in the dark, there will be light.  At the second you go to fail, you find a solution. At the moment you decide today is the day you will give up, light shines.  You are purpose and you were created for purpose.  The world has something that you have inside of you.  We salute the process of growing in the dark with limited water and resources.  The best flowers sometimes have thorns but are the prettiest in the end.  Don’t give up!

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Check On Others

So it’s that time of the year where people are hurting bad.  They are sad, depressed, angry, struggling and all kind of negative.  Check in on others without having to wait until you get the tea of someone’s life.  You know the type that wait until you post that your world is not right then all of a sudden they want to be captain save em…

Now with that in mind keep in mind a few things to watch out for as well when you are the one who is going through and wondering where others are:

  1. Others are going through at the same time.  You may not be strong to recognize that however don’t do passive aggressive and say if you support you would…. This can only be said if you have told others what you need and if they are in the same position to assist.  Sometimes we put pressure on others that we don’t even put on ourselves.  Everyone doesn’t have enough to give no matter how fabulous their life seems.  Another issues they may not be lead to give.  Just cause you have money or resources doesn’t mean you should be made to feel bad into giving.  Some things are meant to go the way they need to be.  I recently had a friend ask for money.  I may or may not have had it but I didn’t feel lead.  I got called all kinds of shade for it. Listen, everything ain’t for everybody. Understand that when you ask, it’s not a definite and not all have to give for your cause.  If you believe in it, it will work out.
  2. Sometimes seek help for what you need in someone qualified to assist. If you need a therapist stop getting mad at your cousin, friend or family because they didn’t take on that role.  They can only do but so much.  We need to learn that life is hard and this pressure is making things worst.  Call a professional.
  3. Stop the blame game.  There are factors that are making you the way you are no doubt, but realize that the salvation of what you need is up to you. Not you and your spouse, not you and your mom, not you and your friend simply you.  This isn’t being insensitive. Yes it would be nice if your man held your hand but it’s not up to you to make the determination that if it don’t look like you want it to that they aren’t.  You may really need to focus on some underlying issues that are making recent situations seem worst.  Dealing with your own stuff makes you better equipped. Not dealing with it can make you expect more than what is even possible.  An example of that is being super sick and only dealing with the symptoms but not the initial issue, you sir or ma’am will have temporary relief but not be healed. You need healing.
  4. I know everyone says talk about it, but there are professionals available to you even if it’s a hotline that are equipped to be better than your already drowning love one as they aren’t able to pull you both up.  Even on plane rides they instruct you to secure your own oxygen before you can assist a fellow passenger.  There are many folks operating on empty cups, empty wallets, and full of pain and brokeness.  They can’t help you.

Now even with all of that above we still need to check in on others.  Do so without needing a hook up.  People get tired of having to always give from depleted places.  Now with this statement comes responsibility.  IF you are allowing others to always take for the sake of relationship no matter what relationship may be then you are to blame for how the cycle of negativity is going on.

Yes you may have someone in your life that don’t want to assist you cause they simply don’t like you or don’t believe in you.  Trust me that one situation will not be the tale tell of that. They would have been getting consistent behavior that tells you so.  If so, is it their fault that you consistently knew it, felt it, received it but stayed in this going no where situationship?  No, its time to practice self-care and self-love as well as its time to know what help you need and who is equipped to give it.  Its time to check in on even the stronger ones too, they have issues going on in the inside that show up differently than the outside than most. Be your brother and sister keeper but sis and bro know that everyone can’t alway save you.  You bear a huge responsibility to make an initial step and focus on the right folks instead of all of the folks coming in your corner.

 

Now I know that are some that are broken who are reading this and thinking how insensitive this might come off but in reality is that we all have to be about our mental health.  It is real.  There are some at different levels of understanding and openness. If you’re at the place where you can help yourself but just feel entitled, please stop.  Read all of the above again.  IF you are so hurt with pain this is going to come off as not caring and its the furthest thing. this is simply reminding you that YOU have to make a step in getting the right folks.

Let me help you, have you ever been going through and been so disgusted at everyone that any sound, look, etc will set you off.  This is the wake up call because I too have been here before.  Getting mad at others and driving others away and then blaming them for walking away cause your place in life has pushed them away when you really needed help.  This is the time to be strategic and get the right help.  Sometimes the ones you pushed away will be there and will understand, but in reality the ones you taxed with saving you won’t.  YOU are the only ones who hears your thoughts, that feels what your pain, if nothing else open yourself to getting help in the right arena. No sense in you being in a cardiovascular doctor office for a broken bone and then raising hell in the cardiovascular office because they can’t mend that bone.  Tax yourself like you are hoping someone will see you mentally drowning and say what can I do right now.  Let me take my eyes off of people and see what the meat and potato is of my issue.  OR if I can’t then let me call a professional to help me sort. Let me call the suicide prevention line, to talk.  Let me call the depression hotline at my job and get someone on the line to assist. Let me take a break mentally and stop going a thousand on worrying about gifts and focus on my mental health.  Not let me keep buying, doing and hope along the way someone will catch me.  Sis, Bro you are your best help.  When that doesn’t work lets out source to the right place!  Here are a few resources that need to be in your phone on speed dial.  Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness.  Don’t let a soul tell you that!

National Suicide Prevention

Abuse Hotline

Mental Health Hotline

My Review of Disney Pixar CoCo

So because I am for sure certain that others haven’t seen the movie yet, I will not give out any spoilers.  I will instead tell you how the movie affected me and my family.  We went to see it on Saturday night (December 16).  We had a full day that day.  My son had a play date over that day, and just with some running around, we were looking forward to some family time.

Well one of the first things you will notice is that the movie is super colorful.  Its eye-catching and that alone kept my 3-year-old engaged.  The movie is about a young man named Miguel who wants to become a singer. His family has banned music and all of its influences.  He wants to sing so bad that he ends up in the Land of the Dead to get a blessing from his family.  So the beat marches on to see how this will end for Miguel. The adventure is all over the place. I loved it.  The kids loved it.  Now to the part you need to know:

  1. There is a lot of reference to the dead.  If you are not comfortable and wanting to have this conversation with the little people you may take with you, this isn’t the movie for you.  It can still be enjoyed beyond death but since the whole movie is around it, just be on alert!
  2. If you or your child has recently lost someone this can be a movie that helps or aids in healing. It really helped my kids in expressing the pain of losing their grandmother. I didn’t expect that response but crying is good for the soul, right?!
  3. It was good to see Mexican culture in a positive light.  I loved everything about it
  4. It was long enough to catch my attention and hold it but not too overwhelming long.
  5. It got standing ovation and the movie came out Thanksgiving day, and it’s still has a great impact on the crowds that are viewing it.

Now I am not a big crier but I will tell you this, seeing my 8-year-old with so much emotion got me. I mean she was crying and she doesn’t cry that often either.  I could not help but to be moved.  It helped us as parents as we were overcome with emotion to openly discuss her feelings.  This is why I have to say if you have kids that are of age but don’t want to open this emotional well, then be cautious, view it yourself first.

All in all this movie was solid, it had romance, drama, adventure, and culture.  This is a must see with the right audience.  My younger daughter didn’t tap into the emotional parts of the movie.  However my older two, ages 6 and 8 definitely understood.  We all needed to keep Mom-Mom continually in our hearts.  I have a feeling that her memory will be here in our hearts forever!

Check Your Own Body

I have so many tips for doing different work outs but I am not a professional so I really have what works for me.  I don’t even act like my fail proof plan is a Godsend for all, however there comes a time when you have to be on top of things because let’s face it, who else will?  I remember a reader asking an Ask Toi about gynecological exams and if they should continue to have them done after they were married. My answer then and now is an absolute YES!

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Marriage doesn’t mean you sexual health is perfect. You as a woman need to be aware that now that you got the ring and are one, you can still be one at risk woman.  I always wish happiness and great sex for married couples but if anything you should know right now, everyone ain’t on the up and up.  Not only that outside of getting an unwanted and unexpected non gift from a mate, is the risk of ovarian cancer. It is your job to do all you can to live a happy and healthy life.  Part of living a healthy life is to be about your health and sexual health is important.  No ring or marriage certificate will keep you safe.  So my advice is simple, get checked.  I’ve told the story before how when I was pregnant with my youngest, my OBGYN asked me if I wanted to get the STD panel done.  My answer was hell yes. Her response is well you’re married and you have kids.  I asked her who licensed her again because if you are giving me of sound mind this advice what in the holy hell was she telling other women.  Ladies get checked regardless of your status even my born again virgins that ain’t had none since Jesus was a baby, you need to get things checked too.

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No married woman should be told, you good and that’s it. Again the amount of women who die from ovarian cancer is enough for me to check.  Also like I said I do not subscribe that my husband is so perfect that there is a chance that I am going to be okay. I do trust my husband but how many women rely on trust alone and find out after it’s too late that there husband was on the “down low” and they have contracted something that a pill or a shot can’t cure.  I have told my husband plenty of times that I love me and my kids enough and I get that sometimes men take chances on getting some new %ussy but I refuse to live my life where I just throw caution to the wind. One of us has to love themselves enough to get things checked out.  So far after 5 years there hasn’t need to put the “man” between us.  I do not live my life on the edge.  If something is wrong I want to know, get a plan and keep it moving. This is why I encourage my ladies and my men to know what is going on with your health.  Avoidance is a sure fail way to not live your best life.  In order to have a good life you need to be here.

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So find what works for you in general.  I would also encourage all to see your doctor as well as a nutritionist.  These two are key to getting your health on track.  What you eat is literally a large component to how healthy your life is.  Eating the wrong things can contribute to high cholesterol, weight issues, etc.  Overall health seems so overwhelming. I think when I am trying to drink enough water, exercise, take care of my kids, go to work, have a good sex life, be good to my husband, and anything else life throws how much it takes to be on point in each other.  This is why I believe in balance.  However when it comes to my health, I believe in going in, getting things checked and then attacking each area.

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3 Years of Blogging-The Background Tea

Happy Anniversary! I love this time of the year.  It’s like a birthday and Christmas wrapped into one.  On a blogiversary I usually rethink what I want to do.  I get a vision together and I work with it.  I also think about what has taken place in the year during this blog  year.

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This has been an awesome year. Not just because today is such a high day either.  It is a good year because I took steps to make it great.  Nothing just happens. I had to put the work into my life in a lot of areas so I can attempt to live my best life daily.  With that in mind, I am super grateful for just life itself.  Now let me also say life hasn’t been a bowl of cherries.  So today I will spill the background tea.  A blog about yourself is super sticky.  You will get strangers who can resonate with your story.  You also get folks who know you, don’t like you and will stir the pot.  You will also get people who know of you, don’t know your full story and will contact you and say I had no idea you were dealing with whatever topic.  I put me out there because I can do it best and that comes with the good, the bad, and the ugly. Or the one thing I get is how do I know if I am putting too much of myself out. I know because I feel like I have to be 100% okay with what I put out and who that will affect. For the most part I only worry about my husband and kids.  This is why I limit what pictures I show of my kids.  I ask them for their permission too.  Respect towards them is important. My husband is my number one fan so his support is incredibly important to me.

What about backlash?

I do not change my blogs to prevent backlash.  This is because these are my stories, my experiences and most importantly my page.  I think it is clear that the human spirit will draw to those it needs to.  I don’t worry about backlash in the form of someone who I don’t or barely deal with having a “word” for me.  This is not a cocky attitude it’s just real. I have had family members say to me, you say this and that on your blog but then you are a different with me.  The reality with writing is you can focus your words to be nice or not-its called editing.   When I am talking I don’t have time to edit.  However whether or not I am qualified to speak on me and tell the good, bad and the ugly is not even up for discussion.  I like most people have a past. If I don’t vibe well with another person will not determine if I should shut down an entire blog.  I am not everyone’s cup of tea and I love my flavor so I will not water it down.  This is why self-care and self-love works.  I practice this daily so that while I give out I can keep my cup always full.

I am wrong, Admit it, Keep it Pushing

I can admit in my blogs when I am wrong. I do not attempt to paint a cookie cutter picture of my life. My life has ups and downs, fault, and failure like everyone reading this blog has.  I do NOT know of a person who doesn’t.  I talk about me because I can.  Do you know how many people in the last 3 years have reached out to me to say thank you. When I wrote about postpartum, do you think I am the only one who has gone through it? Absolutely not. I told on how I even got so bad I threatened to call the police on my fiance (now husband) because I was so far gone and couldn’t manage my emotions. I talked about the moments in motherhood where I feel like I am missing the mark and the frustration of managing my 3 kids with 3 different personalities and trying to figure out that balance.  I have talked about the times I personally wanted to give up on my marriage. I have talked about what its like as a woman in her skin to have those moments where you wake up and see your weight, your face, a mole, or whatever makes you feel less sexy, less confident and how to come out because I went through it and came out on the other side. I can’t tell you about things I haven’t experienced. That’s not real. I know me. I know what’s like to be deemed the perfect child but fail miserably in life.  It sucks. It hurts, but if I wait for approval from everyone I would still be failing.  Oh ps. to other bloggers, you know that folks gonna talk, I say talk on, because at the end of the day I give no front seats to my life to just anyone especially when it’s not earned.

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Dust yourself Girl and Keep Writing

So for me these blogs are the essence of who I am. I make the mark, get knocked down, fall back a few spaces, dust myself off but in the end sink or swim, I’ll make it.  Everyone loves the underdog and I feel like the ones who wished that I would just plain old stop are up for one miserable ride.  I am Lord’s willing gonna stick this out and see what the end is going to be.  For those who I will make amends with because there have been some issues that have come out that I will conquer I will get there.  The others, no love lost, I have love but it’s from afar and I make zero apologies for it.

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Distance is key

I have noticed the incredible amount of peace that has happened in my life. I try to keep my circles small. Even with distance I find that if something is stirring I don’t even answer it.  My family meaning my husband and kids schedules keep me on my toes.  I love it. I am venturing out, attending more conferences, so my life is going in a different directions these days.  It’s been a long time coming.  Like any woman I can be petty, but my life has evolved to the point where I keep it quiet, move in silence, and focus on the people who really matter.  I say this because if you stir some old mess, it usually stinks. I have had readers over the years say they keep putting themselves in situations and wonder why they aren’t getting different results. If you learn nothing more today, change how you move and who you are around. That in itself will change your life.  We have a zero drama policy in our home. We don’t even have conversations about much that includes drama especially around our kids. We won’t allow drama folks in there. Not one person who has visited us has been one to stir a pot and if they do, we have no issues with asking you to leave.  My husband and I started this a few years ago. I wrote about how I got into it with a person and it forever changed me for the better. I will not allow myself to get to the point where I am so mad, I need to curse folk out, go off, or check for gas in my car for a pull up.  Yes followers, I am human.  I post about change but there was a time when all of that negativity was in me.  I choose change. Distance allowed me time to cool off, work on me and make a decision if people need to be involved with me or not.  Some I am slowly working to get into the swing with some and others I haven’t written off I just chose to continue in quiet and distance.

Great Followers

I have had some amazing followers let me say.  You have been rocking out when I lose my blogging way which happens. I love what I do, but life throws a few curb balls.  Last year I had to refuel but I was never gonna give up. I had to find my own passion and it happens and writers block is real. I try not to pull too much from headlines unless I feel extremely passionate so this is why people ask me to recap a show and if I am not feeling it I just won’t.  I have been eliminating a lot of reality television by choice so if you see me recap a show its going to be because I really felt the topic was something I truly have knowledge of, it was something I had been through, etc

To my new followers, go through and spend some time on the page. There is a lot for all kinds of topics. There is something for everyone male and female.

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Ask Toi

I love my Ask Toi questions. I answer these at toitimeblog@gmail.com and when I do I keep my follower’s identity closed. There is no reveals around here.  People have messy and crazy lives and revealing who they are would be completely wrong. So if you have a question, send them to the ToiTime email and I will try my best to answer them.  I always give a more detailed answer to my follower and a condensed version to my followers.  The reason is that some details would reveal and I am all for keeping Ask Toi as discreet as possible.

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So I will continue in my blogging endeavors. I will continue to be transparent. I will continue to be who I am and make no apologies for who I am.  I will continue to push the envelope because I do that off-line as much as I do it online.  I try to match my social media life to of my real life. Too many fakes, but there is only one ToiTime.  I am unique, I am Latoi.  I love all of my ToiTime followers, so cheers to another year!  Never be afraid to take a chance on yourself.  NO ONE ELSE will, you can and should be able to depend on yourself.

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Weekend Recap: Monday October 30

I usually give a weekly recap but I was off from my daytime job on Friday and spent some time getting some things in order as well as attended some activities with my kids. So let’s recap:

Personal Goals:

So I am happy to report that after having my surgery I got a clean bill of health. I also found out that my blood has restored itself, is healthy and I am no longer anemic.  Let me insert a praise break for that news right there.

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I have STRUGGLED with anemia since I started getting a cycle.  I have had so many complications and I never would have dreamed of this day. But it is here and I am over the moon excited.  It’s a great feeling to have your health on point and it only took almost my whole life to get it there.  I am grateful for that!

As many as you know I went to the Together Live 2017 conference and had a time. You can catch up on that blog as it’s already posted. We celebrated my mother in law and it was just somber.  All of the emotions of the year before were so fresh. I personally remember the events and hold my kids close to me.  We do NOT know our time and I would hate to not think I was giving them all I could everyday.  I am super honored and humbled by my husband’s strength.  I also had a great weekend with my husband. We were able to get out and enjoy some time together adulting. As promised I am sharing this year’s costume so you can see the difference in what a year looks like.  We are still not finished yet. We are taking active roles in eating right, working out, and being intentional in our goals.  So yes it takes work.  I was over 250 in the second pic to my now of almost to my 150 goal. Thats a lot of weight to come off but I did it the right way, no short cuts.

This year’s costume:

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Compared to last year’s costume:

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Huge difference in weight for both of us and our overall health.  We are out here trying to live our best lives.

Blog Goals:

So in case you missed you blogged about: Sunday’s message-don’t duplicate someone else’s shine, Monday push through, wait your turn, the cold weather depression, 30 years in the making, an Ask Toi about apologizing to a co-worker, Together Live 2017, Never Forgotten, and lastly Sunday Message-Complaints do nothing.  A lot huh?  Absolutely.  We are out here blogging that’s for sure. There is always something for everyone. So to catch up, click the link; ToiTime Blogs

What’s Coming Up for ToiTime?

I will be attending this weekend the Starry Night which is an organization that helps in raising money for kids with brain cancers. I would hope that no child would ever have to go through cancer of any for let alone brain cancer.  So if you would like to donate to the walk, you can; Starry Night 2017

I will be adding other conferences and events as we get closer.

The biggest thing that is coming up is my blogiversary.  Yes 3 years this November.  I will be posting contests so please stay tuned to my ToiTime Facebook page.  All announcements on prizes and games will be on the Facebook page alone!  Only announcements of winners may be on the blog.

I hope you have a great week! Happy Halloween to all who celebrate it.  Please be safe! Google places to actually scan your kids candy.  They exist.  Please wear reflective gear when you travel and try to travel in groups.  Check your kids’ candy!