Anxiety, Balance, and Relationships

People always says that when you meet the right person you will be able to navigate anything with them.  There is a lot of truth to that statement.  However in life you may not have that someone in your life, you may really be struggling, or the person in your life struggles with understanding you in the way you need them to understand.  This blog will be super personal but not meant to paint the people in my life as horrible individuals.  However it is a reality that I know many lke me experience.

Expectations vs. Reality

Expectations tell you that if your partner loved you they would know how you feel as your anxiety mounts.  Reality says no matter how much empathy they might have, they aren’t going to understand if they don’t go through it themselves.  This is why you in reality need someone who has a high level of empathy while you in return are going to have to do active self-care.

Expectations says that if you have a partner they will have a higher level of understanding to help see you through. Not always true. There are movements when you find that your partner misses the mark. What they see as ungrateful, anger, fear, is masked as anxiety. When you have anxiety often times you have a thousand questions, you don’t deal with unknowns or you may not be able to express yourself correctly. These feelings are complex.

Let me give you an example. In college freshman year I was learning myself. I came in the door strong willed and able to articulate myself extremely well. Over the course of those first years through fault of my own, I was made fun of, talked about, and had to withdraw from many social circles. On top of that I already lacked social skills even though I had great academic skills. I found myself not able to be bubbly and I felt alone. I started to figure out once around certain people what I should or shouldn’t say. As the years went on I became more and more reserved that once I graduated although I was happy to be away from some of the dismissive crowds I had managed to just tolerate; I greatly couldn’t navigate even in my small town outside of my set crew. This is when my anxiety took off.

In college my coping mechanism was to be loud or angry just so it would make more sense that if someone didn’t want to be around me I would already have an outlet. I started being only around my 4 friends for the most part but even with the them I felt I had lost a little respect.

I’m learning how to get back to myself. When I had my kids and moved to Philadelphia which made sense it still mentally stripped me of a lot of independence. I had already moved from my apartment to my parents home. The only reason that wasn’t a total bummer was because they wasn’t there and I was living in the home with my siblings. Being able to secure my own bag, right or wrong pay my bills, and live on my own terms always made me feel stronger. Moving to Philadelphia didn’t make me feel secure on my terms. Everyone told me how great it was to have my needs met by someone else but by then my episodic anxiety had already kicked in. I moved away from what I knew and only expressed it outside of fights with those around me. See how that anger as a coping mechanism was the band aid that didn’t help me in the long run? Once again I was around people who were smiling in my face, talking behind my back, but wanted to have a private relationship while publicly bashing me felt like college all over again.

It’s funny how that type of mess didn’t bother me in high school because I was too focused on my academics. Now my focus was on my kids but without outlets I was feeling alone. I’ve called alone stuck many years because I didn’t understand it. It wasn’t stuck it was feeling alone and honestly let’s call a spade a spade; I was. I didn’t understand my anxiety and by this point I hadn’t been seen by a counselor. I moved away from familiarity, and I couldn’t articulate what I was going through but that didn’t stop the talking. It didn’t stop my anxiety either.

Let’s flash back to now, anxiety is better managed but it doesn’t change how I am perceived. If I’m having a hard time and stay to myself I’m perceived in my mind and by the things or situations as ungrateful. If I express myself, I’m angry. Now this is why having anxiety is hard. That line between real and expectations slide into one other. Have I been told I’m ungrateful-at times yes. I have to be đź’Ż. I’ve walked in on conversations that my husband has had about me and my anxiety with his friends that made me not want to be around the same friends he spoke ill about me too. Some to this day I speak but mentally side eye. Having anxiety has stripped me of the ability to have peace while I actively take ownership of it. I had to talk to my counselor many times and her advice I took but not all of it. As I work through that why not, I’ll reveal it at a later time.

When I blogged about going to counseling I was told by some how brave it was to speak openly but often times people I wouldn’t have told were told anyway. I grew up in a home that if others were going to speak about something about me; let me tell it in my own words. Again this isn’t to throw anyone under the bus. These are real situations that have happened and I have to work through those scars and how anxiety has robbed me at moments to control who I allow into my inner circle and who doesn’t. People make it seem like it’s not a big deal but if you’re left vulnerable, having someone not want to talk to you because you’re getting on their nerves or not wanting to go out because you feel like people are whispering about you because they know things that you would never tell them is debilitating.

I’ve missed cues on friendships because of my own anxiety. However because I was used to certain people and their antics I allowed disrespectful behavior too. How I was able to figure things out was to go to therapy to find out who was who and what people’s words, actions and behavior means to me. A lot of that is to speak truthfully about where I am. So when you see a personal blog and I’m writing it comes from a very real place.

How you perceive how people treat you can very much be clouded by anxiety. However you have to know yourself and trust your instinct. As much as I wanted to carry the anger of my husband’s friends the reality my issue was with him and not them. How I felt they were responding was based on my anxiety. And it was up to me to work through that.

I can’t say that I’ve conquered my anxiety. I have and do manage it better. I struggle with perception because when actions say someone would rather not be around me and I know I’m super dope individual, I know it has to be a few reasons, they really don’t like me or my anxiety has me perceiving the situation one way.

To those who suffer with anxiety that has caused break ups, lost of jobs, or feeling alone know that I understand. All I can offer is understanding as you work through it! Don’t give up on yourself! Don’t think you’re alone. Don’t think you aren’t worthy of finding love that will help you in getting towards your goal of controlling your anxiety. It will get better!!

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Valentine’s Day Snub

This day can be so super dramatic. Between the movies that make it bigger than life. So often, we even I get caught up in this day. What I think is important is to be honest about where you are and your expectations.

When my husband and I dated in college he really outdid himself. Without even having to say anything he really did a good job. Before him I really was blessed to date and whomever I dated just naturally got it right. I love holidays of all kinds. I love the art of celebrating. It breaks up life. It gives you small victories to look forward to. So for me it’s another celebration. It’s not just above saying well as a married couple he should show love so this one day doesn’t matter. I post holidays of all kinds and everyday I get excited to find a way to celebrate one of those holidays so Valentine’s Day is one as well.

I used to not be so vocal in my love for the day because everyone would make these claims of how commercial they were. As a preachers kid holidays depending on which ones you celebrated were deemed wrong. As I came into my own, I realized how happy celebrations made me feel. So I don’t allow others’ feelings to fall on me. I won’t allow people to say that a commercial holiday doesn’t matter. I’ve heard it all from what if your husband wasn’t able to make the day special?! How is that possible when he and I can make heart shaped cookies and watch a movie feel special?! End of day I enjoy his presence and I enjoy celebrating these types of holidays with him. It’s a perk of having him in my life.

So there’s never a Valentine’s Day snub for me. Although I understand that some don’t feel the same as I do or as blessed as me in regards of having someone to share the day, I don’t want to snub my feelings to appease others. I can have empathy without dissing my own love of the day!

I respect everyone no matter where they are. There were many years that I spent with family, by myself or just with my girlfriends. Some years in my singleness I felt fine and other times I was heartbroken. Admit where you are. Own it! But be okay if you like me love these love holidays!!!!!

Monday Inspiration: Be Free Stories II

I had the opportunity to attend yesterday the Be Free Event yesterday! Although I could never nor would I ever attempt to retell their stories I can tell you how inspired I left!

Brian Terada started Be Free as he began the journey to come out to his family and friends. Being able to create a safe place jump started this mission of hope, love and acceptance. It has opened the doors for others to “free” themselves in many ways. Opening up others to tell their stories of freedom in their way.

I had the elite privilege to stumble upon Be Free by way of Saxbys. I’ve found such a warm welcoming from Saxbys a few months ago and since then anytime I get the opportunity to relax and enjoy their amazing coffee shop I do. Saxbys has always allowed me a conducive working space to blog and enjoy my me time. I would encourage you to give them a try you won’t be disappointed!

I saw the link for Be Free first in Saxbys Instagram story and scrolled past. I believe in timing and was drawn to relook at the story again. I saw and read the information and decided to RSVP! I still didn’t have an idea of what to expect! I purposely didn’t log onto Be Free’s website because I wanted to walk in and get my own sense of experience. Let me tell you because I believe in timing and divine calling, everything tried to deter me. However surpassing my own anxiety that attempted to rise as each hurdle came along, I knew I had to be there!

Once inside I was greeted by warm smiles and my anxiety was also calmed by Saxbys cold brew! Ryan Lewis my Soul Cycle instructor, gave me the look of relief and I knew whatever hurdles I had gone through to get there was worth it. Y’all remember the last time I blogged about Ryan. As I sat and listened to the stories of strangers I had never met, one reoccurring theme hit me. No matter what they had been through what made them “free” was their ability to not quit even when quitting was all they had. Each person including me was not at that moment by chance. We all needed to hear each other’s story. Stories of amazing strength from life. Stories of pressing through pain and heartache, everyone wants to be free to live, to love, to be whole!

I encouraged Brian not to stop the Be Free Stories. This safe space is necessary. This may be the only therapy, the only space of love, the only space of encouragement that someone receives. There are so many who need Be Free’s movement! If you could be in a space of complete freedom, love and knew you wouldn’t be judged, would you go to that space?! If the answer is yes, Be Free is that space!

I am grateful for the moment to be present in watching, listening, and participating in other people’s breakthrough and triumphant. Shout out to Lululemon for sponsoring this amazing event along with Saxbys.

To get more information on how you can participate, donate, and support to Be Free, Be Free Stories

Inis Nua Theatre presents the American premiere of Box Clever by Monsay Whitney

I had the elite privilege of attending Box Clever for my Friday night fun. This play directed by artistic director, Tom Reing was outstanding.

Let me set the stage for you:

Marnie is living in a women’s shelter in London with her 4-year-old daughter. She is headstrong and says whatever comes to her head. While attempting to protect her daughter she is also dealing with her past boyfriends and the drama that ensues from their lives. This is a 2 women show. Ruby Wolf plays Marnie and Rachel Brodeur plays all of the other roles. This isn’t simply two ladies talking back to each other. Both of these ladies put so much passion into their interactions that they made me believe I was in London with them and entangled in Marnie’s frustration.

Now for those who would want to attend this production let me forewarn you, Marnie doesn’t mince her words. There is some cursing. However when you take a step back if you’re a mother trying to keep space for your daughter nothing Marnie said I didn’t want to stand up and verbally co-sign. This play hit a personal moment for me. Growing up and being in a shelter for a bit I saw what I remember seeing in my own mother. It took me back and it was done so well that it tapped into that part of my past. I didn’t feel ashamed. I did feel slight sadness thinking of the lack of resources available to her. I felt proud of my own mom for doing what she had to do to get us settled. Every emotion of upset, pain, frustration and anger I felt and so will you.

I’ve grown up around the arts and I will tell you Ruby and Rachel are professional and more than exceptional in their acting. By the end if you didn’t laugh, get mad and cry (some moments at the same time) you aren’t human. I would love to see the play again. I encourage all of my readers to attend this show if you’re able.

Box Clever will be showing up until February 24, 2019. Tickets are from 25-35 dollars a piece. All of the performances will take place at the Louis Bluver Theatre at the Drake, 302 South Hicks Street in Philadelphia. Thank you to the cast, and all staff who from the door to the theatre floor showed care to all of their guests. Thank you again for the reception afterwards as well.

A little more about Inis Nua Theatre:

  • Inis Nua means New Island
  • They produce provocative contemporary plays from Ireland, England, Scotland and Wales
  • Based in Philadelphia, they have been in production for 15 years
  • They have produced 17 American premieres, 13 Philadelphia premieres, and 1 world premiere
  • They won 6 Barrymore including the prestigious June and Steve Wolfson award for Evolving Theatre Company in 2014

To purchase tickets, Box Clever

Weekly Recap: Friday February 8, 2019

Blog Life

So this past week has been a great one. I was able to attend the preview for Theatre Week here in Philadelphia. Remember theatre week started yesterday, February 7 and will end February 17th! So take some time if you’re in the area to attend one of the shows. Tickets are free, to $30 so definitely affordable.  Also Valentine’s Day is the next week so we are going to be throwing back a few blogs within the week and not just on Thursday. So with that said make sure you are following me on Facebook so you don’t miss anything as well as we are having a blog fresh a day. Thank you to everyone who has been following the blog! We are definitely growing.  Tonight I will be attending the American Premiere of Box Clever by Monsay Whitney. I will be at this year’s Be Free II that is being held at Saxby’s on Sunday night.  There is time to register.  There will be speakers telling their stories and providing inspiration. There will also be cold and hot drinks and small snacks provided by Saxby’s! Register, Be Free II

One final announcement, all participants of the Women’s history blogs for next month your interview is due today!  Thank you so much and ladies let’s shine but especially during our month!

Fit Life

I have been sick this week but still managed to hit 10k and usually more steps in a day as well as do my 3 days of working out this week. I think that in my mind I know April is around the corner. So that is what is helping me to eat a lot better and getting my rest. I haven’t even been able due to being sick to enjoy a few adult drinks. So whatever is motivating you to show up for yourself-keep it up!  Also this week I won a giveway given by Phillyfoodgal included was snacks by Rind Snacks which is a company that specilizes in dried fruit snacks. The snacks are amazing. Follow my Instagram to see me reveal them.

Kid Life

My kids have been doing super well. I have been doing their love notes a day on their door. They have been loving the notes. I love finding ways to show them love everyday and during love month I usually do more outward manifestations. My kids are real jewels. When I was sick, they worked together to make sure I could sleep.  I am glad they are the age that they can assist.  Also shout out to my oldest for being selected for the Girl Scouts regional choir! My youngest will be 5 next week and my son is killing it in his soccer games! I am really blessed!

Personal Life

This week has been about timing. It has been about taking it easy and resting my body in-between eating right and working out. I am grateful for getting sick because it allowed me to slow down a bit. This week has been challenging me to show up to blog events and I had to take a time out. I will be back in gear today for a play which I will blog for Saturday. However early in the week I had to decline a few invitations which hurt but it was necessary. Working, working out, mom and wife duties is a lot. Blogging is a joy but I can’t go to them all. I am grateful for every opportunity. I also look forward to increasing a few more therapy sessions. As my birthday comes in May I always make sure that I am okay by attending more therapy. It’s always important for me as my schedule becomes more jammed to take care of my inside self. I want to encourage others to do the same!

Monday Motivation: Stay Consistent

Another Monday has come upon us. You may be in your feelings about it deeper than Drake. The best way to combat a Monday is to be prepared for it. If you woke up unprepared for it then it’s time to hit it with consistency.

Consistency can assist you mentally in achieving a successful week. Attempting to get up at the same time, making sure I prep certain aspects of my week helps to better settle my mind and home. Consistency allows you to control certain anxieties that may come along with getting through my Monday,

We attempt to teach kids to be prepared yet we wake up each week unprepared and not ready. We know life will bring whatever curve balls that will come yet we don’t do enough to be ready for the parts that we actually cultivate. If you know your constantly not prepared to have the proper food as an example ready how can we be upset that “we end” up making bad food choices during the day?! We played a huge part in not being ready for our day and for the week.

Let’s start our week with consistency. Wake up on time. Try not to snooze. Meditate and pray! Be consistent in it and not just as a fall back to when life starts giving you a bad hand. Be consistent in your prepping. Make your lunches ahead of time, pack your breakfast, prepare your clothes ahead of time, and get your kids to do the same.

Consistency will cover you on the days when life attempts to make you fall. Consistency will help you guide your Monday blues. It’s hard to start a week you lack in preparation to be successful in. Wake up determined to have a good week where you were ready for it! Also if you woke up and you weren’t prepared, reset! Turn your mindset! What can you do NOW to get it all aligned?! Do that and don’t stress yourself! Have a knock out Monday and an awesome week! You got this!

Philly Theatre Week; February 7-17th

Theatre week is back.  A 10 day festival of some of the best that Philly has to offer in theatre.  81 organizations will host 100 events with 315 performances.  All of the performances are either free, $15 or $30 dollars making it affordable to experience these performances.

There are performances for everyone from Valentine’s Day themed, Black History themed, regional theatre and the classics as well.

Philly Theatre Week was the brainchild of Goldenberg and her team at Theatre Philadelphia. The idea dates back to 2017 when Goldenberg was in search of a new flagship program that would focus on inclusivity and reducing barriers to participation.

“Theatre Philadelphia wanted to create a new signature program that would draw even more attention to the region’s theatre organizations and artists,” added Goldenberg. “We wanted to make a big and impactful statement about the importance of theatre in our city and region, and bring artists together in a collaborative and equitable format. Like Philly Beer Week, Center City Restaurant Week or Philly Tech Week, this festival celebrated theatre alongside our city’s other flagship events that are nationally known and recognized.”

Philly Theatre Week is presented by Theatre Philadelphia in partnership with TodayTix and sponsored by the National Endowment for the Arts. Additional Theatre Philadelphia funding is provided by the WIlliam Penn Foundation, Pennsylvania Council on the Arts, the Philadelphia Cultural Fund, and the Dolfinger-McMahon Foundation.

Theatre Philadelphia has partnered with the international ticketing platform TodayTix for 2019 Philly Theatre Week to offer reduced-price tickets exclusively through the app. For select performances with participating theaters, $15 and $30 tickets will be available for purchase. Reservations for free events can also be made through TodayTix. Download the TodayTix app or visit the website for more information.

For additional information, please visit www.phillytheatreweek.com or call 267-761-9950.

Kids at the theatre

So today I took the kids to the preview of Philly theatre week at the Cherry Street Pier. I didn’t tell them where we were going because I wanted to be sure that they went in and experience it all on their own. After making sure that once we got there they weren’t disrespectful to the actors of which by the way they weren’t, I was delighted to see how much they enjoyed. We got a preview of ENAensemble. What I liked about this particular theatre group is that they were from the time we entered the door and until we left their presence, were extremely interactive.

Anais Navarro-Murphy caught my youngest daughter’s eye. A lot of people don’t realize that although my youngest is assertive she’s just as shy. However she comes alive through music and dance. I just sat and watched the way she didn’t take her eyes off of her. Anais must have seen her too because she took the time to come to her and show her how to read sheet music. Now I know my youngest didn’t really understand fully, but she was mesmerized. I appreciated Anais taken that time with her. Didn’t help that the kids were able to do a little face painting afterwards!

I explained to my children how behind the scenes it takes a lot of work and dedication to put a show together, perform in front of people and how dedicated they are in their craft. I love exposing my children to new things and I was honored for them to see a variety of performances.

ENAensemble allowing audience members to direct the piece

Take the time to enjoy this 10 day treat!! Get your tickets and get out to these wonderful pieces!!