Weekly Wrap Up: March 24, 2017

So I want to start doing a weekly wrap up with my readers.  I first want to say thank you for rocking out with me.  Some of you have been loyal since day one 2 years ago and some are brand new.  Even if you came to see what I am doing and have something to say about that, either way you are here.

With this new weekly wrap up I will attempt to wrap a few news stories as well as personal highs and lows that went down this week.

News

  1. Missing black girls in the DC area.  I have a 7-year-old and to know that these young girls are missing and not much coverage is being done to bring them or any lost child home is most disturbing.  I need our men to step up and assist our single mothers in DC and all over the world.  Men make such a vital part of our community especially in homes where no male is present.  So let’s say a prayer that these young ladies make it home safe and sound.
  2. Violence breaks out outside the UK Parliament-it is the sad day that we live in where these senseless acts of violence and terrorism takes place.  My prayers to those who were injured or lost their lives.
  3. The United States government as a whole.  It’s no secret that Trump is in office. There are a lot of laws and a lot of back and forth taking place that affects and will affect of the everyday life.  My suggestion is that we need to all start pulling resources together.  We need to look out for one another.  I have been saying this since I started this blog, we need to take it back to the old land mark where we would watch over our elderly, feed the kids, and help the single moms and dads where we can.  A little can go a long way and not just around the holiday times either.  Step it up all year-long

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Personal Highs

  1. Lost 2 more pounds this week.  Even managed to almost loss my clothes on the treadmill.  Contemplating if I should buy smaller size clothes as I have gone down one and a half but I am attempting to wait it out.
  2. Made some time for myself and I have a few things for myself this weekend. I am on a mission to attempt to balance my life as much as possible to not give more than I need to in any one area and pour back into my own life like I pour out into others.
  3. Daughter’s report came home and we are loving her new confidence.  We are working with her on not just hearing what we say but applying.  We want her to be strong and confident and speak up for herself respectively.
  4. Concurred the water demon aka drinking water more.  I do not like water however its one of the best components to losing weight is increasing water.  I can actually drink it whether its flavored or not and that’s major progress.
  5. Keeping up with my new natural hair style.  I thought it would be harder especially with the fact that I work out at least 3 days a week but so far so good.  See my blog on my natural hair, Natural is not a phase

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Blogs for this week:

If you missed anything and you I hope you haven’t but if you did this is what we were talking about this week:

  1. Marriage and medical deal breakers.  We helped a married couple navigate should they leave their marriage over a medical problem.  You have to read my answer.  It’s not always a flat-out no.  Yes we have vows but sometimes……
  2. Rapper Future is not on my top list of greatest rappers.  I do not like this just learned how to read, cookie cutter, make money off of stupidity rap.
  3. Open marriage in the communication lane and taking trips without your mate
  4. Whether or not you should leave a significant other who refuses to wash.  The short answer is going to a yes…..
  5. We highlighted KJM a blogger that keeps it straight no chaser.  Let me say she gets the nitty and gritty of where I leave off.  I blog light but my mouth is just as sharp.  Don’t know who KJM is, catch up
  6. Spring must do

Personal Lows

So this has been a trying week for me in that I am still dealing with the aftermath of my kid’s school.  I really am trying to find the appropriate way to start communicating and liking it to my kids teachers.  I believe in keeping decorum but the struggle is in having to save face after I am clear that personalities no longer mash well.  Parenting is not an easy road.  I as always taught to handle my business but I find that I am on a hi and bye level and I am not sure if that will be enough to salvage the broken relationship.  I do not play when it comes to my kids.  Once I see someone lie, discriminate, or even not give them the basic education they deserve my first step is to get through the year and think ahead on new schooling.  I know that sounds like running but it’s not.  I believe every child needs to have a good education. I believe they should be safe, and be in a welcoming environment. My kids do not go to school for free.  So once I start shelling out rent payments and car notes I expect a high level of expectation to be met period.  So I am still figuring things out and weighing out all options.  The trick is putting my issues to the side for the better of my children but not taking no junk from anyone regardless of title or position.

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This past weekend wasn’t a very good one for me.  I had a hard time coming out of a funk. No I am not super positive every moment.  I can go left real quick.  It is something that I am aware of and try to stay away from others and retreat if I need to.  My patience can become quick and the only ones I am not short with for the most part are the 3 that call me mom.  I am working on getting better on working through my triggers.  But hey I am human and I bounced back fine.

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Self Love

Self love will look different, sound different, taste different, etc to different people. Self love means by the very definition is about loving yourself.  The broadest definition of self-love is learning how to care for you, what you need, how much you need, and being okay to not limit how often you love on yourself. How you achieve the goal will be the unique marker for each individual person.

If you are in a relationship and you are finding that the person that YOU selected isn’t loving on you the way that you want, do some things about it.  For instance, if self-love looks like you taking some me time, that’s what you need to do. In relationships we all need our own time but when you don’t have enough self love and aren’t being active in your self love, the second your mate isn’t doing what he or she needs you get upset.  What you haven’t recognized is that you may not have loved on yourself and therefore what you lack isn’t love from an outside source but from yourself.  Your personal love cup is empty.

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This is a new journey that I am taking.  When you start to love yourself even the mundane everyday interactions that you tolerated before will cause your eyes to open.  You start setting limits on how much time you are in one place because you see that the person or location no longer serves you.  This is the by-product of loving you.  Our society always seems to put more on an emphasis on what others do, how they do, and when but not enough on what you require, how often, and when.  Change the way you look at yourself.

When you self-love you can see your flaws, work towards making them better, but still embrace them. Self love isn’t always a come to Jesus moment either.  Self love also involves making some drastic changes and changes that sting and hurt in the beginning. For instance, how can you love on you but don’t care what you consume?  These type of bad habits have to stop when you love on you more. Tap into what YOU need and not what people have set limitations for what THEY think you need.  If a part of you needs to finish school so that can be a goal that you cross off for you, than do that.

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I was walking in the store this morning.  I heard a woman tell the cashier how her husband doesn’t like it when she reads.  First thing that came to mind was what in the unholy hell is that?  How can a man tell his wife that he doesn’t like her reading. Then I stopped because I have no idea what is going on in their home, if it’s a cultural thing, or if she really is in an unsafe environment.  What I did hear is that she said that what he wanted didn’t stop her. She gets up early almost an hour before he does and reads anyway in another room.  She takes books to her job and uses her lunch time.  She uses her E-reader to read and he thinks she is web surfing.  I could go in on her oppressed like home, but she did something about it that made her happy in spite of the environment she was in. What about you who aren’t living in an oppressed environment.  Are you willing to get up early, stay up late, change your schedule, make yourself temporarily uncomfortable to give YOU what you need?  I mean apart of the process of self-love is learning how to tune out the negative thoughts that come from you and those who you seem to want approval from.

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Self love should be the first love you master and re-master over and over again.  This will take loveless relationships and end them fast.  You can’t dip yourself in love and allow someone to give you less than what you give yourself.  Maybe you need to re-check your self-love meter.  If you compromise on you than don’t go off on someone else who does what you allow them and you to do to yourself.  Have you ever been asked what makes you happy but don’t have an answer to give?  I am not talking about winning the lottery.  I am talking about the type of things that make you happy that money can’t buy yet when asked you go blank.  Your self love bank is empty and you need a refill.  What makes you happy? What are your passions?  What makes you at peace when the world is going to hell in a handbag?  I am going to clue you in even as a wife and mom although I love my titles, it’s going to have to be more than changing some diapers and loving on my husband to make me happy.  Relationships change and kids grow.  Simply and only being caught up in either title will leave my self love meter empty.  Why do you think the divorce rate is high when couples get into the empty nest phase.  One they may have not put in enough energy in their relationships or themselves.  However it rolls out to be, self love is the MOST important love you will ever encounter.

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Action Do Something

So let me just say that I have about had all I can take but I know that is not true because as time goes especially in the next day or so the complaints are going to take off.  I am referring to the swearing-in of Donald Trump, which artists or celebrities will be in attendance and even those who aren’t.  This is about the family and friends that are about to go into social media war…. Do Something!

Yes I said it.  There.  There will be countless of those who will have just about every complaint in the world but that will be where it stops.  You don’t like one of your celebrities or artist who is performing or going, than have an action plan.  One of the best ways is to stop following them on social media.  It’s like the Kardashian affect, people say they hate them but they have over 1 million followers a piece.  Yes some folks just follow to get the tea to someone’s life but you aren’t getting how that makes you the person look. You are literally watching a person you wouldn’t even otherwise care for and you aren’t even benefitting from it.  That is a sad part of life.  We ALL have better things to do than to allow the cycle to continue.  Although the media sometimes controls the images that are out, you personally can control what you take in.  I followed Chrisette Michelle an artist that has agreed to attend and sing at Donald Trump inauguration celebration.  Now whether or not I agree with her reasons or not, I sat and watched all the comments made and thought to myself, we have the power to evoke change.  The best way is in the pockets of any artist, socialite, etc.  They thrive on media interaction, and financial backings of their product.  It doesn’t just apply to this now political storm that has been brewing for quite some time now either.  This is a principle.

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If you have people in your own personal life that you don’t deal with don’t just block them on social media but block their access to your spirit and life.  I have done this and trust me the peace to just live and not worry about the foolishness is priceless. So before you go gangster social media arguing, just end it and cut you out of it.  I had a disagreement with a family member.  I found myself getting all upset and going back and forth via social media than I thought, what is the point?   Just stop it now and deal with them on a personal level if you need to and move on.  Or not and just keep on pushing.  We give our energy to do many things and wonder why we are zapped out.  Even in your emails, you can unsubscribe correct?  Unsubscribe in real life.  There is no need to have things and people pulling on you to the point where you are up in arms.  Will Donald Trump being in office cause issues even for those who supported him?  I am sure it will. Learn to deal with what is for you and leave the rest.  If you are going to make a stand I say go for it but do it with more leg work and action and a lot less mouth.  We need a world of doers and not just good ideas alone. Protect your spirit and especially if you are a parent or help in the parenting of your children.

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Moving in Silence

So you are moving along on your goals but you find you are getting discouraged.  A part of that could be life.  Another part of reaching goals that makes things a bit difficult is when you don’t master the art of moving in silence.  Think about it.  A lot of distractions come from outsiders.  It comes in the form of questioning or feeling as if you have to justify your moves to others.  You are going to have to make some moves that don’t require an amen corner. Learn to guard what you are doing.  This doesn’t mean you have to walk through life in total quietness it just means be careful who you share your stuff with.  Not everyone is legitimately rooting for you.  Some are looking for you to fall or fail.

So when you need to pull back on how much you talk is one when you find yourself justifying your actions.  Its one thing for someone to have a difference in opinion on something you are doing.  They may be able to offer insight to help you get there quicker, but when you find yourself having to justify the plan than check yourself.  Let me give you an example, if you are working on a project where all is well but you have your naysayer in the background asking, well can you finish it?  What about the way I did it?  I think you are off base.  I think you can only go this far since that’s what I did….these are all things that are clear indicators you need to walk in silence.

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When you walk in silence only the key players are on a need to know basis.  You don’t directly or indirectly have to let anyone know what or where you are going.  Now I used to work for a company and they all would announce their goals to each other.  Did some fail? Absolutely more failure than success at times.  However they were all of the same mind. You share your dreams with others who don’t want to expand, aren’t looking to do better, and don’t want to make moves outside of choosing a new topic to complain and wonder why you feel like your energy has been sucked out of you.  Stop sharing things with everyone.

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Oh and on another note.  I love the ones who use subliminal messages especially on social media.  Don’t do it.  First do not kid yourself that you have a following of folks that want to know every step you take.  There are a million people doing the same thing you are doing. If you don’t want folks in your business than stop baiting people and then say mind your business.  Don’t post what you don’t want others to know.  You know the post you post a picture of you holding your significant other’s hand that you haven’t revealed, but get mad when someone says who is that. It amazes me the millions of don’t ask me about my life after I posted what I ate, who I am with, who I hate, who I love…..This year move in silence and let your goals speak for you.  Trust me your goals will do a better job.

Fake Marriages and Why?

So every last relationship on this planet is different.  Not one is the same no matter how many similarities may exist. So my thing is that women do NOT need to be married.  I know men are measured by their careers and women by their relationship status but this is crazy.  The number of spiritual ceremonies and fake marriages is getting out of hand.

Now let me tell you where this is coming from.  I read a blog that stated that Yandy and Mandeecees from Love and Hip Hop New York after the lavish wedding they had on national television is actually not real.  I don’t know if it is or not but let’s say for argument sake it’s not.  I don’t get the point.  It’s technically not my point to get but let’s draw on a few things.

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Do we have to have these fake marriages?  It’s one thing if you have a spiritual ceremony and everyone knows hey we don’t want the necessary papers but we doing this because it feels right.  The other flip is to attempt to make it appear that you are indeed married when you are not.  Like what are you proving to others?  I have never felt the need to do things for an audience.  Like for instance the terms wifey and hubby irks the hell out of me.  I know its cute to say but let’s keep it real.  There are a number of couples that believe in their little hearts that they are that man’s wifey when in reality you are indeed not.  You are a girlfriend that likes pet names.  I don’t mean to burst your bubble but that’s how it works.  Let’s give a scenario, you are in an accident and your “hubby” dies, you are not the one they seek to make decisions .  Sorry you are not.  They are looking for next of kin. Bummer all that hubby talk doesn’t give you legal rights unless you were smart enough to get power of attorney and other legal documents lined up.

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I love when I hear people say they don’t care about a piece of paper but be the same ones posting memes about how men get licenses for their dogs and won’t do the same for their relationships while laying next to their “hubby.” If you don’t want to be married than so be it.  It’s not for everyone. I can respect it.  I am married and I don’t ever paint this happily ever picture like I lay in bed of roses and balloons all day.  Marriage is work and not everyone is cut to make it work.  So stand by it.  Please stop sending out messages to people to make it appear that your relationship is more than it needs to be and then want people to respect you as such.  Just stop.  Now Yandy and Mandeece may decide to be married after his stint in jail is over.  Business wise it makes sense but it poses a very important question.  If you can’t fully take on your mate’s issues on paper because it will cost you than what does it show you about the cost of your relationship for real.  Like I get it.  Legally Yandy would be held liable for paying back his fines and cost possibly for the financial responsible for his kids too.  However they paint this picture like she is more than able and wants to take on his kids.  I can’t wait to see how this comes out.

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As a woman who want to be a boss, can you just be in a relationship and satisfied or have you already given into the societies desire for you to be married so faking it gets others off your back?  It in all reality says you love a man but at the end of the day legally you are no different from any other woman in that man’s life.  I am sure she has gotten her paperwork in order that if she needed to take care of his affairs she can, but for the average woman how long you gonna play house if you really want to be a permanent house mate?  This isn’t for the women who swear off men and would NEVER marry.  This is the ones that lie to themselves and are just okay to be entangled with a man.  This is for the woman who is marriage hungry to take on a man’s name.  Be smart.  Find out what works for you and stick to it.  But stop the lies.  Stop lying to yourself as if you are more to that man than the pretty picture he has painted.  He just wants that milk for free and is “trying to get his shit together.”  How long that takes?  Let me guess its 10 years and you are crying inside and lying to your mom and girlfriend just like he lies to you.  You want marriage but don’t want to rock the boat or “hubby” will leave.  You better get in your own spirit what you want and take the fake mask off.  If you want marriage, make sure is for YOUR right reasons.  However don’t waste a quarter on a fake ceremony. I have said it before and I will say it again if it’s a ring you want, buy yourself one.  Do NOT however stop feeding a bunch of lies about that paper you really do want.  Be smart.  Be honest. Be clear.

Women shouldn’t have to fake it in 2 places and that’s the bedroom and to an audience of folks who could care less.  Speak up about what you need in and out of the bedroom.  Too many woman having to fake a lot of things and let with empty shells and dry sheets.  Do better.

Ask Toi: Do I have to give someone a thank you card for a thank you card?

No you don’t ever need to give a thank you card for a thank you card. If you want to acknowledge that you received it than do that.  You can do that with a call that is brief or a text or email is fine too.  Thank you once sent is understood so do not put too much energy into it at all.

With the holidays if you receive a gift from someone it’s always best to make sure that you call first and say thank you.  Honor the person with a thank you for taking time and money and energy to gift you.  Times are hard so any gift big or small should be simply acknowledged.

Keep in mind that when you say your thank you that you keep it light and simple.  If you are dealing with someone who feels that you need to do a grand gesture for a thank you, you may need to re-evaluate your friendship with them in its entirety to be honest with you.  I had someone I used to be friends with get upset because she wanted a thank you card, a call, a shout out on Facebook, and Instagam.  I do not live my life to those standards.  I send friends cards of love and check ups all the time. I also send small gifts to if I know it will cheer them up.  I do not need shout out on all social media for that.  The other clear case that I had to take into consideration was often times I was being gifted for a purpose. It wasn’t to make my day or bring a smile in my face it was a back up for a favor. I would hear, well I got you A, B, or C a few weeks ago.  I simply am not the one to barter with.  I ended that friendship rather quickly. I love to do for others but at no time would I be okay with someone doing anything for me to hold over my head.

So happy gifting and receiving.  Make sure you say thank you and be light.  Do not make thank you into anything more than an acknowledgement of appreciation.  Thank yous are not life support.

Hurting the Babies

So with the holidays in full swing we need to have a discussion about mixing families. It’s no secret that people are master manipulators.  There is no fail proof way to determine if the new boo you have is the one that will honor you all of your days as well as do right by you and your children.  Even for those who aren’t married or have kids you really don’t know.  Love is about leaps.  However while you dip yourself into new love and mix families let’s talk about some of the drama with kids that we tend to forget.

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Growing up I was taught about being unequally yoked.  That had a lot to do with religion. However the principle is a good one to examine.  How do you link yourself up with a man or woman and don’t know their core values?  You aren’t going to agree on every little thing but let’s be  real, having kids or not is important.  How you will raise them is important.  I know of some men who marry women who have no intention of having children then bam they get side swiped and most end up leaving their wives for it.  The same holds true for men who make it appear they want to have a family but do things to ensure they can’t like get a vasectomy and never tell their mate. It’s a cruel and evil world out there.  Let’s organize how we need to protect ourselves and our children and future children from the foolishness.

Stop Marrying These Disagreeable Men and Women

How does it come off?  You have a man or woman who doesn’t like your family.  Then if something happens to you can you be sure that your child will have access to both sides of the family?  I know of evil families.  I really do.  However you deprive kids of having a relationship.  I am not going to act like there aren’t reasons to withhold kids from being around one side of the family over another.  There are.  But we as ADULTS have to be sure to separate our petty feelings over the kids.  My thing is at least try.  That’s key.  You should always be willing.  If after a sincere try to it doesn’t work then I can high-five a pull back. You knew from the time you were dating them and as time went on the person you were attempting or had attempted to yoke up with would not honor you or your kids by making things easy for your kids.  This isn’t just for folks with kids.  This is for the childless and wanting to be parents too.  Let me give you an example, my mother in law and I at one point of our relationship wasn’t on the up and up.  However whenever her and her son got into something or her and I did the same, I NEVER stopped the kids from being around her. That’s not my call.  It isn’t your call unless that parent will cause harm to the child. Then be around but don’t stop.  My mother in law isn’t here and although it was tough when we lived together I would have deprived my kids of their short relationship had I been in my bag all the time.  I am glad that my kids had the limited time that they had with her.

You know who you are married to or want to be with.  You know that they will not do right by you or your family. What is it about these disagreeable women and men that makes you throw caution to the wind and proceed.  Like most people will reveal a part of their hand if you are listening and really watching.  Instead we let sex, looks, stature determine more than it should.  Then we say I don’t know why this person is like that?  You knew it deep down.  I am not suggesting that all in-laws are evil, mine wasn’t either but what I am saying is stop bringing kids in the midst of your mess.  And you can say well I don’t have kids so I am good, you’re not.  You set the tone now for how you will do when you get kids. It’s true.  I was talking to a friend.  She made some ugly comments about her boyfriend’s kids and now they aren’t together.  She was devastated.  But I kept telling her you can’t say mean things about folks kids and think they will link themselves up to you.  If they were smart, they wouldn’t.  You have to be careful.  Sometimes the way you speak about your future especially where kids are concerned is important.  People don’t realize if you want to find out what someone is thinking just plain old listen.  People allow their heart issues to come out just from bringing up the same issues.

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Yes things happen that make disagreeable women and men come off as off but they are protecting themselves.  I know of a few but that is a small amount of folks.  Some people keep things going on.  Somebody has to be an adult.  Please stop allowing these issues to affect kids.  They do affect them no matter how much in your head you are telling yourself that it doesn’t.

Now unless you have made it clear that you don’t plan on taking kids around your mate’s family  and your mate is crystal clear than you are creating issues.  Why?  Children are a product of both sides.  To be honest.  You can keep kids from a side of a family and they will still exhibit some attributes of the other side.  You can’t keep kids away from folks just because you don’t want them to be like that side of the family.  If it’s in them you will be seeing parts of their unallowed family.  You haven’t solved anything.  Some family are toxic this is true.  However you have to teach kids how to be in the world and not take on everything about others.  I have friends who attend family functions with their kid to protect them from certain sides of families that may be toxic.  But guess what?  They tried. They didn’t just automatically cut off.  Being a parent means at times setting our issues aside for what’s best for the child.  Try with kids even if before things were bad.  Always be willing until people prove to you that you can no longer take your children around.  When kids grow up and you have tried, they will see things for themselves.  But can you say you tried when deep down you haven’t.  Kids will form resentment towards the parent that withheld them from their family when you don’t at least try.

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I think people hear what they want to.  There is no way my mate could tell me our kids are not allowed to have a relationship with my family without real warrant.  And I wouldn’t have yoked myself to someone who would be like that.  You better know that you know that the person you take vows is really on the same team.  Everybody hollering Team (insert last name) is really on the same team.  Some will be on the team as long as its beneficial.  That is why being who are gold diggers end up creating at times family households that causes more harm.  Yes I said gold diggers and let’s be clear gold diggers are both men and women. I don’t care what society says there are some greedy men who want what they want to.  You bring kids in the midst and treat kids like pawns.  Kids aren’t bargaining chips.  Please stop having kids just to shut your mate up.  Yes I said it. You didn’t want kids so I will have this one just so they can get off my back.  Many parents don’t even form bonds with these bargain kids because of it.  Kids need sound households not perfect ones.  Make sure the well-being of your kids is the vocal point.

How people treat your kids is key

If you are married to someone who allows there to be separate treatment of your non biological kids versus the biological kids that you share, they are not the man or woman for you period.  Now when you are dating you will have bumps in the road, but once you marry a person and you HAVEN’T worked all of the kinks out you are creating a disservice to yourself and your kids.  Do you know of the petty things adults do to kids? Like get biological kids gifts for the holidays  but not the non biological kids? Do you know some ugly petty adults will make comments in front of non biological kids that makes them feel unwelcome? Let’s keep this 100.  You should definitely not be on the Earth messing with kids.  I really do believe that.  Kids don’t have a choice when adults decide to link together.  If you or your family treat a certain set of kids differently, mean or etc. that is the worst thing you can do. Kids may not understand why but they turn into adults that never forget.

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I have been in situations where I remembered how some folks treated me as a child.  My step-dad never treated me like step anything. He raised me from a young child and I would go to toe over him. I only highlight step to illustrate for this blog.  However the same can’t be said for the rest of his family.  I am not suggesting that I was abused, nor overtly mistreated, but I remember comments made in my presence.  I remember my mother making sure that no one would overtly mistreat my twin and I different from my brother. We need parents to step it up in this category.  There are some adults that I still don’t vibe well with.  However as an adult now I make sure that no one does it to any of my children. I also don’t have to entertain the same adults now.  I remember getting into a conversation with my dad and he made it clear to me that I could just be an adult and withdraw.  He wasn’t encouraging me to disengage but he made it clear that instead of getting more and more upset, walk away.  It was the best idea.  I never wanted as an adult to put my dad in the middle of any issue with another adult at this point.  What is done is done.  But like the saying goes, you will never forget the way someone treats you.  Be careful of how you treat step kids.  You got grown adults walking around being hurt now over the way step families treat them. I did my job by going to counseling and anything else I needed to do to deal but most do not.  And it matters to a step child to get it right within themselves. If you are a step child (adult) still hurt over folks that will never admit, never apologize please get help.  I refuse to let people who don’t influence my life for the positive to have a hold over me.

To any of my family that I am sure is or will read this, I am not opening up anything so miss me with the texts or the phone calls.  These are my experiences and nothing is going to change that.  I don’t need a pow wow, move on like I did and do what you need to do like I did for me.  No family no matter how perfect we all want to look like will get it right.  

Kid will pick up on the wrong

Every kid no matter how nice and perfect their households were will pick up on the things that aren’t right.  I know for me things didn’t come up for me until I had my own kids. I can’t say my childhood was bad because it wasn’t.  However things that most kids didn’t have to deal with we did.  It made us strong.  My parents did the best they could and as far as I am concerned I came out of it with the will and tenacity to be a good adult.  I am not perfect by any means but watching my parents struggle definitely made me handle tough situations now. I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon and it made me want to go that much harder in life to be great.  Kids pick up on the good and the bad no matter how you try to shield them.  You do your kids a disservice by not handling your issues.

The holidays are upon is.  It’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year.  However this is the time when adults do the most passive aggressive stuff to kids who are victims in the midst of couples who link together.  Please know your limits and be honest with yourself BEFORE you marry.  Stop getting married thinking time will work things out.  You can’t change who you really are when you really don’t want to.  You are just lying to yourself for the sake of marriage or having someone linked to you.  Just stop.  You are bringing in future kids and messing them up before they even have a chance to be in this world and be messed over.  I have had many talks with parents of mixed families before writing this piece.  The sentiments are different  but sadly the situations turn ugly. I have a friend that confided in me that he or she doesn’t want to be married due to the fact that they don’t want to have kids.  The sad part is they gave hope to a mate that they would have kids and now they don’t want to.  That isn’t fair to their hopeful mate. I couldn’t sugar coat it because they are a friend to me.  It’s a messed up situation.  There are years lost now.  I pray that their union can hold on because to me that is a place of betrayal that you can’t deny.  It’s one thing for both partners to be on the same page about not starting a family. However to lie and knowing you aren’t is devastating.

Please step families, stop mistreating kids. I know you really want to get back at the biological parent because you don’t like the fact that your biological family member could have done better in your eyes.  Stop.  Grown folks can be grown and make their decisions. Who someone links up with doesn’t stop your breath, doesn’t make you fat, or bring money into your home.  Leave kids out of your issues.  Let me say that karma never misses so if you intentionally hurt a child please do NOT think that you will reap that.  You and I both reap what we sow.  You get what you dish out so be careful of the servings you dish. Kids should always be respected at all times.  Be underhanded to the adult if that is what you want but don’t do it to a child.

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One last thing, be careful that you don’t fall in love with a monster and it cost your child their innocence.  Too many kids are killed and molested by “step” families and for what? There isn’t enough sex or money in this world for me to sell my kids over to a monster. Please be careful and listen to your kids.  Sometimes what you think is hate from a child could be a cry for help.  I would rather you get a vibrator or a blow up doll before you link up with someone who will mistreat or harm your child.  Oh and it’s sometimes not the step parent but some of these raggedy biological parents are a mess too.  No one is exempt.

Ask yourself the following before you link up with a person?

  1. Do you want kids?  Like actually birth or parent them? Be honest with yourself and the person you are with.  Do NOT give false hope.  Situations may  not be perfect so while you wait for that moment to happen, please be careful that you aren’t hurting your mate in the process.  No one should bring kids in mess, but be honest and open during the hard times too.  It’s not fair for someone to wait for you and you knew you weren’t going to be open to a family.  Allow that mate to make the decision if they want to be open to your maybe or no response.
  2. If you have kids from a previous relationship is the person you are thinking about marrying willing to be a full-time parent?  Are they treating that child with the same respect as if you and he or she birthed that child together? Does the family of your beloved treating the child or children with the utmost respect? Watch how people treat your kids in the bad times because the good times will not cancel out a hurt child over petty inconsiderate comments.
  3. Do you parent a mixed home with the same rules?  Having separate rules for one set of kids over another is creating issues.  Be clear that parenting is a dual partnership in every sense of the word.
  4. Do you have open communication?  Can you child come to you and tell you that one parent has hurt them and you set aside your love for your beloved and investigate? Love is blind.  You should never dismiss a child until you have found out what your child’s issues really are.