Ask Toi: What should I do if someone from my past or new love interest knocks and I’m already connected?!

If you’re already connected and the interested person doesn’t know you need to tell them. If they know but still pushing up than know they just like the chase and want to see if you will take the bait.

As an adult it’s your choice who you are with period. This means even if you just want a one night or one time physical relationship as an adult it’s up to you. Not everyone wants a commitment but be true to yourself. Don’t say you don’t want a commitment in hopes that you can later change a person’s mind. 

If you are already connected either by dating or marriage than you know that the answer is a no for now. With that being said it’s best to thank the person for the interest and move along. In a dating situation boundaries need to be made. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t have anything to entertain another person.  If you’re married the boundary was made on your wedding day and you end it. 

The past is the past. It can be a beautiful reminder of what was but it takes a lot to dig the past up, revive it and make it work. Ask anyone including me how much work it takes to date someone from your past.  It’s not super easy.  It’s never a good idea to open the door to a past or new interest because if you do it says more about you than the person knocking. People don’t realize that a person who will cheat or entertain someone else but expect loyalty from the person they were originally connected to shows they have NO loyalty at all. You want what you can’t or won’t give. This goes for men and women. So if you’re connected say thanks, nice talking to you, and seal the door of communication. 

Let me guess you can handle it right? Wrong. You start catching up. Then you exchange emails at first, then phone numbers, than social media and now you can’t get this person off your mind.  You absolutely not giving the person you were connected to any of your valuable time because your sharing space with someone else. Now if your just dating and no commitment with anyone than that’s your right. However don’t mess over another individual while taking space with another while connected or committed to a person. You might lose on both relationships. 

Weekly Recap: June 2, 2017

Happy national donut day!! I had one and I mean only one donut and couldn’t really eat much of anything else.  I forced myself to have a healthy lunch because that donut was definitely a lot of empty carbs.  Well I hope you all had a good week.  We are coming off a 4 day weekend some of us anyway from Memorial Day.  I hope you had a great holiday weekend.  We celebrated my daughter’s birthday and had a really good weekend.  No complaints.  So as far as this short week it has definitely been filled with a lot of ups and downs.  So let’s get into it.

Personal Highs/Personal Lows

This week I am going to put these two categories together.  There is a lot going on and I told you lovelies I would update you.  One we had a great time celebrating my now 8-year-old.  Time is flying when you’re having fun right?  We are also gearing up for my son’s preschool graduation. I know some people make a big deal that these types of graduations are pointless but it just gives the little people something to look forward to. I personally feel like celebrations are what makes life great.  Those who know me know I will make his day special.  That’s what I do.  I feel like life is about making memories that they can look back on.  It’s better than buying a bunch of material things.

Also this week I have been vigilant with my doctors to get me an answer.  I have been suffering with migraines for quite some time.  I am also anemic.  However with the new diet my doctor made sure I had all of the supplements that one would need and I increased all of the iron enriched foods so you would think I was good right?  Wrong.  I am not.  My doctors and I have decided that it was time to get a hysterectomy.  I know for some they get it done when they have fibroids.  I do not have them.  I am losing too much blood.  My blood volumes and levels are one step to more transfusions.  For some they would say, why not start a pill that would decrease your period. However the thing is that I have already done that.  I have been on pills off and on.  I got my tubes tied when I had my 3rd and last child.  I know some would say why put this out there?  One its MY BODY and my page.  Secondly being a woman going through women issues is not a place of shame and I refuse to hide like I did something wrong.  That is pure craziness.  Why would I keep it hush-hush when there are millions of women like me going through the same thing.

I am no wonder. I won’t be the first or the last.  Ladies my decision was about what was best for me.  I have to do what I need to do for ME.  Was my husband there? Absolutely.  I know my decision will have an affect temporarily on my home but I had to do what was best for me.  No need to lose this weight, do all of this work and still be underlying unhealthy.  That is sheer madness.  I know what I need to do and I know what can happen if I don’t.  I love me and I need to be here as well as I have little people who need to have a healthy mom.  So with that in mind in the next week that is what I will be doing.  Have I researched all of the options?  Absolutely. This has been an ongoing back and forth thing.  I am prepared for the steps after.  I do NOT claim to know it all. However I am fully aware that the steps towards self-love will help me through the down side of this procedure.  So with MY family’s support we will be fine.  I have learned to tune out some of the naysayers.  They will say don’t let them take nothing out. Meanwhile I can’t count on them to watch my kids when I am somewhere bleeding out.  I can’t slide them a bill when I am off of work and missing time off.  I can’t count on them to pick up a phone call to say how is it going.  You see that was a free nugget right?  I refuse to give folks who show you they are more concerned with their bottom line than mine make my health decisions.  Got to keep pushing towards what will work for me and the ones that have to live through all of this.

So with that in mind you may see an increase in blogs.  I will have more down time. Whenever I have downtime, I write and I read so be on the look out. I plan to blog the hell out of this situation.  Not to get sympathy. I am one strong cookie.  But to raise awareness.  My heart goes out to the women who are medically forced to make this decision and desire to have children and can’t.  I have 3 kids and already put in place the parimeters not to have more already.  There is no child birth loss for me.  So for the ladies with this loss, it is a loss.  I researched this and I find comfort in reading other blogs of women who have gone through this.  And with life we are all connected.  Keep me in prayer and stay logged on twitter (toitiemblog) and facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/toitimeladies/) as I will update.

News

  1. Kathy Griffin out here with a replica of Donald Trump being beheaded and it has set off this major storm on insensitivity.  I think for me and this is where MY opinion comes off.  It was a bit much.  However if the same ones were upset when the nooses was being shown with imagery of Obama was shown and not because he is Black alone but on the principle of right and wrong than okay.  If not than you just being extra.  What people don’t get is that your argument is more valid when it’s based on principle.  Meaning you would extend the same sympathy to another like you want it done for your favorite than you have merit.
  2. Ireland will have its first openly gay prime minister after Leo Varadkar was elected into the office.
  3. Withdraw of Paris climate agreement.
  4. Continuation of the Russian influence of the election.  Continue to stand by for breaking news of this ongoing legal battle.

So I pray you all enjoy your weekend.  There are some good movies. I saw Wonder Woman and as I thought without giving things away, I walked away feeling great about being a woman.  I may see it again if you’re looking for a quick should you go or not-there you go.  I am taking the kids to see Captain Underpants tonight.  Summer movies are really heating up.  I plan on some me time and I have to work.  So find an activity that you enjoy and make yourself feel like the beautiful gem that you are.

 

The Mirage is really A smoke Screen

People, good people, good morning.  Listen let’s have a serious talk about what appears to be and what is.  We ALL have put out into the atmosphere our very best self.  We post the best pics out of the 100 we took.  We use filters because let’s face it they are pretty. However there is one thing that we all need to be reminded.  Everything that glitters isn’t gold.  This isn’t the first time we have heard it but let’s talk about it some more.

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We get caught up in the ideas about of what people put out. Some people post about solid marriages and have the most flakiest ones.  Being real is about being loud and yelling instead of just being honest and transparent.  Just because you yell you keeping it real doesn’t mean you are.  That’s a free nugget of wisdom for someone.  People struggle. Relationships and marriages struggle.  People don’t air out their dirty laundry or rather they shouldn’t.  We base our lives off of others and do less work on our own.  If you see a woman get flowers, you go home and complain you aren’t getting them.  However you haven’t expressed you wanted them before.  You don’t go and get them yourself because you enjoy them.  You are waiting, hoping that the man you are with will finally take this initiative and do and missing out on the love you really do and can give yourself.  You realize that if that love won’t measure up and you practice self-love, nature will separate you from what you don’t need to be with.  Again another freebie for you.

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Please learn to take some stock in YOUR life.  I give great advice but I try to eat and nibble on it before I give it.  I hold myself accountable.  For instance let me give you some realness.  I was having the worst anxiety attack.  I didn’t want to go to an event because I knew some of the people there I don’t vibe with.  I had to be reminded that its more than talk, I will NEVER vibe well with them.  I can’t live with brakes on.  SO I got dressed and made it happen.  I wanted to be in my defeated world and just go to bed.  I ended up having an amazing time.  The point is simple, it’s about getting past the hiccups with action and not just lip service.

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We have to get past our favorites smoke screens.  I love LL Cool J and Morris Chestnut and both are married.  Like my marriage there are days even with all of their fineness that their wives are ready to trip them because of something they did or didn’t do.  No different from my own marriage. I have friends who I look up to but when they close their doors they have things they are working out in their lives.  So you have to understand that and learn to live life on your own terms.  A lot of people selling this message of love your spouse, or job or life to the fullest don’t always mean they receive it or live it everyday.  Be careful who you put your highest stock on.  Everyone on your pedalstool will disappoint you if you don’t keep things into perspective.  No different from when the report of  America’s sweetheart Jesse Williams called it quits with his wife.  Everyone like lawd if they can’t make it what we gon do?  You gon get over it and make your marriage work.  You need to use the information to make yours solid.  Love harder, listen more, don’t take things for granted, etc  That’s what you do instead of attributing everything good and going into doom and gloom when it doesn’t add up.

Live your OWN best life!!

 

 

The Dirty Mirror

Well good morning.  We are all coming off from either a good Mother’s Day or one we would not rather talk about. It is evident in the posts I saw on social media. However let’s shift our gears a bit to relationships this morning.

You ever found yourself admiring another couple?  You love how they love on each other.  Love is supposed to be inspiring.  However inspiration is only a small part in life. I have found myself really admiring a couple to the point where you forget that people are human and just like you are working stuff out on your end they are too.  So here is the dilemma. How much can you take in for face value?  How much of what appears to come from someone or a relationship can we take as the real?  Up to this point I thought I had the whole premise of admiring from afar down pact but I found out that I may not.

So here I go my emotions all over the place in what I thought another couple was showing me.  So here’s today’s nugget, the grass is never greener on the other side.  Yes water your own but stop looking at the grass altogether.  I have to admit often times when you are looking at someone else, what others have, what you don’t have is because of your own insecurities.  How many times had I argued with my husband on what he doesn’t do when in reality I could do it myself.  Not on the level of I don’t need him but doing it for myself to show what I needed from him or anyone to be honest.  People treat you the way you treat you.  So during this new focus on myself I have changed that about me.  I am not looking at what someone can do for me.  I am not looking at other couple and picking at the parts that I like about them because their struggle to get to what I think I see may be flawed.  That is the lesson that I learned over the weekend.

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I have asked myself before I got married what I wanted.  However I never really explored the actual question past fantasy and whimsical things.  The things that I had set up in my head never went as planned.  Nothing has gone as planned.  I could use that as an out and say well it wasn’t meant to be and there is someone else for me.  The reality is no one knows if there is someone else out there for me.  I am not looking let’s be clear.  I am not taking applications.  I am simply noticing that if I treat my mate the way I want to be treated that if he doesn’t treat me in the same high regard than that alone will be what I will use to determine any changes in my marital status and not because he isn’t doing what another man is doing for his wife for me.  That other man can be showing the world all this love and literally could be going through hell behind the scenes.  Same with the woman.  I am learning to have my own expectations.  I am finding out what I do like and what I don’t like.  How about I am doing all this NOW.  This is something I encourage the ones that are not married to do while single.  This is dangerous to do while married but its better to do than to keep going and lying to yourself.  I am not suggesting that while I am doing this, I am finding that my husband is not measuring up. Right now he and I are fine. We are stronger actually than we have ever been and that speaks volumes.  This is about me.  However some other couples can go through this and find that they are no longer suitable.  Please single people figure this out before you get married.  This will save you some time.

What happens if I get to the end of this and find out that my husband and I don’t mesh, I don’t need to worry about that right now.  I believe we will be fine.  We will be fine because this is an important part of maturity. I would hate to have been such a nag, and prolong this out without knowing myself.  Relationships will change. I used to be upset at the thought but they are supposed to change.  I am not the same as I was when we got married almost 5 years ago and 3 children in.  I am different.  I am expected to change. The work gets harder in love.  Love and lovey dovey feelings aren’t the glue to hold it together. It’s about knowing yourself and working things out inwardly.  It requires faith to believe that love is meant to be.  It’s being okay and not falling apart just because it may not. I am not overly concerned about getting to the end so I can feel as if we are okay.  We are okay and that is all that matters.

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So for the other couples that are finding themselves in this wave, ride it out.  Through the ups and down you will find out that the person you looked starry-eyed at will be there and maybe they won’t.  If you are really doing the work on yourself you will find that if things do end it can be amicable and you can move on without carrying the weight of the what ifs.  You will know in your heart that you loved hard and did what you needed to do.  I am not scared in this process.  Oh and for those looking for cracks in my marriage, there are none. My husband and I talk about this more now than ever before.  I am not looking to get out, this is just how it needs to be.  Is it uncomfortable? In the beginning it was because I kept thinking the worst was going to happen. Not that we were or are going to divorce.  Divorce wasn’t the issue, being miserable in my own skin was. Not because I was unloved but because I needed to set my personal parameter on what respect, love, etc looked like for me.  I thought no one can go through this shift and survive it.  No one can began to question marriage and still be okay.  However life is what it is.  Questioning is not an issue, doing nothing and simply existing is the issue.  I needed to take charge of my love life and I am.  I have had moments where I wanted to talk to my friends about it but I choose not simply because there wasn’t any advice they can give me.  Even my married friends this wasn’t about getting everyone’s opinion. This was about my voice, my issues, handling this OUR way.

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For any couple in this shift, it’s okay. Every fear you have someone else has had.  For every question you ask, someone has asked those same questions.  You can love someone to infinity and beyond, but you have to be able to know you are giving that same love to yourself.  This will either propel your husband or wife to do the same or show you that they aren’t and never was.  Could I honestly say that my husband was doing all he can if I wasn’t?  No and there was the issue it started with me not him.  I don’t have all of the answers but I love that I have someone who sees the shift, embraces the shift, and we are doing our work together and although it seems as if it may being done separately it’s not.

T.I.-Marriage is a distraction

I love T.I. but my love for him will never cloud my judgement on whether or not I think the words coming out of his mouth is right or not.  His marriage has been under fire for many years.  Recently it has come under fire when his estranged wife “Tiny” Tameka Harris filed for divorce.

I try not to believe everything in the tabloids.  For instance the reported infidelity on both sides no one really knows for sure but Tiny and TI.  However one thing that has been circulating is TI’s most recent interview where he states how he can be a better best friend to Tiny but not a good husband to her.  Now let’s explore this statement since I am a married woman if I heard that I was a distraction after giving my husband the best of me, having children and building a life regardless of what was going on I would be devastated.  I feel for Tiny in that aspect.

Should he stay just to save face?

However I wouldn’t have an issue with TI feeling and expressing the way he feels if he had this conversation with her privately and before the alleged affairs that took place. We tend to take the honestly out of marriage out. If your husband can’t come to you and be transparent even if it hurts that is an issue.  I know for my husband and I struggle in this area to be 100% vulnerable because we still feel the need to hold a person’s feelings when you discuss difficult situations.  It doesn’t mean someone is withholding information it just means that some things are difficult and may take time to bring to one another’s attention.

If TI feels that he can be a better friend over a husband as hard as those words are to hear, it’s better to have the words said than to prolong the inevitable.  However I do believe that tact should always be considered.  The timing on something like that is everything.  This means to Tiny that even if she thought they could reconcile things, he is not in the place to do so.  He no longer wants to do the things that husbands do.  She has to get pass that type of gut wrenching hurt. She could be doing that in her own way.  I think she is still struggling.  If my husband and I had that conversation and I saw him or thought he was entertaining someone I know for a full fact I would be okay to see that or have it thrown in my face all the time.  It would take some time to heal that the marriage was over.  Have my husband had some extremely hurtful things that hit and cut like that?  Absolutely if I am honest.

We tend to romanticize marriage.  We tend to think everything will just work out.  It doesn’t.  I do not like the ideal of divorce.  I didn’t marry to divorce but it happens.  You have to understand that going into it.  No you don’t look for it to happen but understand when it comes to the matters of the heart and will, things will never remain if the person you are working with stops working with you.  TI shouldn’t just stick it out for the sake of the kids, to make Tiny happy, or to prevent from divorcing altogether.  Somebody has to realize that a broken toy doesn’t always get fixed.  Women are lining their opinions on the matter and some not understanding what its like to be married.  Some are on team Tiny and reality is there is no need for Team anybody.  The team members that matter the most, one party doesn’t want to be married.  It sucks, it hurts, but I am sure like most strong women she is shattered but her pieces can be put back together.

I can’t imagine what it feels to be in Tiny’s shoes.  She can’t even grief the marriage because she is in the public eye.  I am sure that Tiny and TI have had good moments.  I am sure they keep things together for the children.  I am sure that they are trying to work on things to get them to the point where they can be cordial.  I am also sure that is not without pain and not without hurt.  Tiny has been there for TI even during the time of his incarceration.  He I am sure has been there during difficult times as well.  They lost a child together, they have been through Hell and back.  People think that in marriage you won’t change but marriage changes people.  Some for the better and some it can go left.  I know couples who take years to get to this point still holding on to what was. Loyalty is pricey.  This is why its hard for people to give it to just anyone.  They know that you put yourself out there and the return on investment can be everything or nothing at all. Marriage is work but it takes both partners willing to make it work for it to work.  I wish them both well.

Humble, my ass….

Okay unless you live under a rock it’s no secret that R&B singer, Tyrese Gibson has been making some not so good waves lately.  He has recently gotten married and with his marriage has come some back lash.  First let me say that when a person gets married they don’t own ANYONE an explanation as to why they choose who they choose.  Let’s get that out in the air right now.  Even if that person is the worst person for their entire life, no one can stop or is owed a reason.  We really need to let grown folks be grown.  Even if its your child and you don’t like the person they marry, you have to at some point let it go.  People have a will and a will to love is included in that.

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Tyrese and his 46% Black wife….

Tyrese has been said most likely to marry a white women or to have been expected to marry white because he has a hatred for black women.  I don’t see it as a hatred for Black women.  I see that he being a man in this world is being able to be loose with his lips because of this whole “man’s world ego.”  I think if we would have legally married a unicorn it wouldn’t have bothered me not one bit.  However his comments about what women wear and do with their bodies and hair is not sitting well with me.  The reason is men can say all day that they love natural looking women but then publicly praise all of the Instagram models.  No offense to the models but its hard out here for natural looking women.  Now what I mean by natural looking women has nothing to do with the natural hair vs relaxed hair argument at all.  It has to do with the women who weren’t blessed to find “sponsors” who keep them laced in the finest, have a team of people who follow them around for make up and hair, etc.  The everyday women who has to get it where she fits is who I am talking about.  The struggle to balance life and be flawless is a bit much.  I don’t wear heels and tight dresses everyday.  My life isn’t set up that way.  I am flawless on my own terms.  There is always room for improvement but it shouldn’t be for a man who will in return change this perspective of what should be in a few more fickle seconds either.

You Humble or you just like Kendrick Lamar’s line?

To uplift one set of women you don’t have to put down another set of women.  Which is why I say kudos to the women who have it like that to be able to be flawless every minute of the day that they are awake.  For the regular women please stop aspiring to be like what you see.  However its going to take men shouting out more than a verse on Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” song to make me think more.  Everyone out here shouting out how they love tiger stripes but go home and give their own tiger stripped woman a look of disgust but then spend more online time pumping up the ones with the photoshopped booty.  I am not saying you can’t admire the photo shop but don’t act all of a sudden interested in the regular tiger stripped women who you don’t even blink twice at them, won’t look twice at them, and pay them no types of mind.

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Get on the do betta…

I do blame some of this mess with Tyrese on the public.  We are so super consumed in celebrities that some of them are feeling the need to tell the world and justify their actions to us and for what?  We all trying to make it.  If I was Tyrese I would have married and let folks speculate.  But no, no we all had to contribute to this need of overshare.  Tyrese, your 46% wife is your issue.  My issue is that you needed to tell us as if any of us have a Heaven or Hell to put either one of you in.  We don’t and quite frankly I hope she good with all of the posting because I would be quite embarrassed.  I would want to know if you married me for me than what is the point.  You owe no fan base anything.  Your life, do you.  Just stop giving women advice that no one asked.  Your wrote your book and that time is done.  Unless you have women lining up asking you questions, than become a life couch and leave it at that.  Women don’t need advice and especially when you haven’t learned the art and finesse of speaking to a woman.  I don’t get it but women praise Tyrese.  Let’s be clear there are million other Tyrese’s.  Stop giving these men the airways to speak on us.  Stop giving them the action.  Use your voice to speak against it.  We have daughters that are going to have it much worst than us.  If men are calling us bitches and hoes now what you think they are going to be doing worst when my daughters are able to even understand it all.  I am teaching my daughters to be strong and confident.  I want them to be able to weed other people’s voices and learn to trust themselves.  I want them to know what they like, who they like and not take down because someone else doesn’t like what they have on and how sexy they appear to be. Their thigh gaps and what accessories they wear will only enhance what they have on the inside.  Our bodies weren’t meant to attract everyone but the one who is for them.

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Imma need all the ones who loving all these tiger stripes which by the way ain’t new to really embrace them.  Don’t just sing the praises of them because its an in thing to do. Most of our mommas got the same tiger stripes and we won’t even buy them a card for Mother’s day.  Our wives have tiger stripes and you ONLY wait for an anniversary and Valentine’s day to show appreication.  Our daughters will have tiger stripes but you already telling her and showing her she won’t be enough.  Get it all the way together or leave it to Kendrick and the real men who know what its about in this game call mature adulting.

What your Married Friends Won’t Tell You

So I am going to a wedding today.  I know without a doubt this union is just going to be a beautiful celebration of two people who really do love each other and who are both committed to being there for one another.  Going to weddings when you are married is supposed to remind you of your own vows.  You get that rush of feeling when you think of the nervousness of both individuals and you remember how you felt doing the same thing.  Marriage is a lifetime committment and that committment can be easy-going but filled with the ups and downs of life.  So here are a few things that married people don’t share but its true.

  1. You will get on each others nerves-I know in the fairy tales the man and woman marry and then they live happily ever after but in planet Reality, it’s not true all the time.  Your mate will get on your last nerve and then resurrect that nerve and get on it again and again and again.  Yes and some more.  This is the closest person to you and they know all of your ups and downs as well as your triggers.  Love is forever but staying in that forever moment take works.
  2. You will not be in a blissful state of euphoria every minute of your marriage.  Cue in the flowers, lingerie, and happy smiles marriage is work.  I think I said that before but marriage is work.  You will have to be intentional in creating happy spaces of your marriage.  You will also need to be prepared for the down times as well as make sure you are already on a stable foundation.
  3. Your first few years are the hardest.  You may find that your temperament will change as you ride the waves of this new life.  You may argue for the first time since you called your little baby boo, teddy bear, love muffin yours.  This will pass.  If you notice that you are having more trouble than most than seek counseling.  But know its normal to disagree.  Don’t stress and if you can’t find a solution than let an argument settle and come back to it.  Take a time out.  It’s okay. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither do all arguments.
  4. Sometimes you will crave your own space.  You got married to be one, but you don’t have to be joined at the hip.  However there will be time when life pushes you more and more together and if you aren’t careful can push you away from your own dreams.  You have a help mate which means someone to help you along the journey of life but not to be your life.  Make time to love on each other and still have to cultivate your own passions.
  5. Life changes.  This has to be said.  Marriage is not just a piece of paper.  It binds you in spirit and love.  That changes the game altogether.  You are no longer on an island you are responsible for each other and the family and life you have.  Going with the flow isn’t easy for everyone that is why the person you pick to spend your life with is super important.  You want to be sure that the person is willing to take care of you if you lost all of your limbs, lost your mind, or got severely sick.  Why pick a person who will run at the slightest sign of danger.  You are wasting the time you could be with the one who really wants to be just be there.  They should want to be there just because they love you and love doing for you and with you.
  6. Sex is important.  I know you hear stories of wives who only have sex 3 times a year: birthday, Christmas, and anniversaries.  Although it’s not my place to say how often a couple should be having it, if you ask the couple separately there will always be one that wants it more and the other who wants it less.  Whether you believe in sex before marriage or not, talking about sex and the expectations should be discussed before hand.  Why be married to the one person who is to fulfill your needs and find out that they aren’t going to or have no intention of doing so.  This is crushing, especially in lines of honoring your vows.  If you are to honor your vows and that means not sleeping around than you should be able to be sexually free with your mate.  This takes time and being on the same page outside of the bedroom.  Also be realistic.  Once babies, sickness or anything else life swings your way will change-up the rhythm.  It takes two to tango.  If you hear from a married friend that something is wrong in the timing of sex in their lives, always remember there are always two sides and in the middle is always a big misunderstanding. Communication and the lack thereof is always the culprit.
  7. Communication is a big issue in marriage and it can make or break the relationship.  Money is tied or sometimes seen as number one but communication is the culprit before money.  If you can’t communicate and if you struggle like I do at times than you must have someone willing to help you close that gap or is patient. You have to be able to open up.  Men you will definitely know you are marrying or have married the right one when you don’t want to communicate but its something about the lady in your life that pushes you past your comfort level of opening up. How you say what you say is actually more important than the words you say. Saying hey you lost yourself and you look horrible is way off track than saying hey what is going on and how can I help you get back to your happy place.  See the difference. I tell my husband all the time you can the same thing and use tact and tact will get you everything with me.  Its super true.  I love that man and if he comes correct 99% he can get whatever he needs within reason.
  8. Money is something to be on top of. I don’t like money talks. I hate them to be honest.  I always feel like I am being talked to like a child when it comes to money.  I am the type that is like just tell me what I need to contribute to and move on but it doesn’t always work that way.  You can’t be afraid to know where you stand. I encourage every woman who is reading this blog if you are in a marriage to know the ends and outs of what is coming in and what is coming out. You should have copies of every important financial document and know the status everything concerning you and your households.  Do you know how many women just because they are stay at home moms or aren’t working that don’t know this information.  If something happens to that man you can’t write a check, drive, or even know if you can bury that man-nothing. Change that.  You need to be partners in life which means that you must be partners who have full rights.  Every partner should have all the cards facing up.
  9. Happy wife, happy life is a lie and a truth at the same time.  Happy wife starts with a happy wife than you can do things to make her happy after her happiness is fulfilled.  Let me share a little confession, I am not that happy wife all the time.  This takes practice. I would encourage all soon to be wives and those wanting to be wives to do some work on yourself before you join yourself to someone.  It takes a lot of out of the marriage to constantly try to make a miserable person happy.  You can kill a person trying to do the most.  Once you have a happy wife than men its up to you to make sure you keep her love bucket full and vice versa the same applies to the ladies.  Love on yourself and never forget the reason why you got married is the key to keeping you as an individual happy therefore making a happy marriage.
  10. Marriage isn’t for everyone.  I know we know about the divorce rates but that isn’t supposed to scare you.  Marriage is what you and your mate put into it.  What people don’t tell you is to never judge your marriage off of what others around you do.  What makes one marriage work never applies to all marriages.  So be careful comparing and water your own garden.