National Make A Difference Day

How can you make a difference? This is such an open-ended question. We always have a tenacity to go to what we don’t have before we answer. You start listing all of the things you aren’t before you can just simply find ways to be the difference in someone else’s lives.

Whatever gifts and talents that are inside of you is more than enough to make a difference. Here are a few ways you can give back and make a difference:


Home Life

One charity starts at home. I hate to see people who are super bomb to everyone around them except their own family. I hate to see it with parents who go out and win everyone else’s child but ignore the issues with their own. I hate to see husbands and wives flex on social media but behind closed doors, give silent treatments and ignore the needs of their spouse. We all have to do better.

  • Spend more time with your children. Yes you work to provide. Provision is responsibility. Taking time away from your phone, to sing a song, or play one of their games, or sit and ask them what they like and what’s bothering them makes a difference for a child. Try it some time.
  • Love on your mate. Whether it’s a boo, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, take some time and spend it on them. Yes gifts are great, but how about watch one of their shows actively with them. How about talk and make sure the air is clear? You can also make a dessert together. These are inexpensive ways to show the ones you love that you are one with them.
  • Check in on loved ones. We say we love folks but the only time we check in on them is if we have the tea about another family member. Change that. Call and ask if all is well and mean it. Than when you find out it’s not if you can help, help. Also unless someone told you to tell another person, build trust and just listen and not take their issues to another family member so you “can pray about it.”

Work Life

  • Show up and be on time ready to work. That’s a ministry all in itself.
  • Don’t be apart of the office gossip-remember the same lips bringing you the tea, is the same one taking your tea to stir at another pot on you
  • Be the change in the office you want to see
  • If the job no longer serves you, don’t stay get an exit plan. This may take time, but be proactive in leaving
  • Find ways to be more productive even if that means changing the scenery. When work starts to get to me sometimes I redecorate to fit a new mood. It helps me about 60% of the time

Social Media Life

  • Don’t go back and forth with them……. (in my Lil Duval voice) if you find yourself having to respond to more than one comment just stop. You aren’t going to win an argument on social media with trolls
  • Be who you post to be. Yeah that’s right. Align your social media to reflect who you are. On my social media I highlight me as a mom and wife. I don’t create doors to let anyone think they have space to slide in the DM. They do but at that point they just are trying to do the most.
  • Make sure you don’t do subliminal post. This is hard even for me at times. You see a post and it speaks to you but post it cause it spoke to YOU. You can’t be out here taking shots at folks you don’t even @


We all have things that we can give to the world. I came across a young lady on social media that is a hair dresser and she feeds the homeless. This is her life work. She literally gets out there with the folks that many would snub their noses at, and she feeds them and cleans them up and does their hair. She has a whole team of folks that assist her. Think about how her being there does for them. She treats them with dignity and respect. I know if I was down and out the last thing I would want is someone kicking me when I was done. What about those who raise money for others?  They are making a difference in the causes by which they are raising it for. How about those who set up camps at the bus stops for kids to make sure all of the kids have breakfast. You don’t know what someone may be going through at home. Everybody ain’t sitting at home collecting checks. Some middle class folks work everyday and still can’t make ends meet. How about the men who go into the community to pray over the city. There are a few groups here in Philadelphia who do it consistently. What can you do? Whatever gift is inside of you can help make a difference.

I said it before but around thanksgiving I see so many companies give back to others and it warms my heart. If you cut hair, how about offer your services to people who can’t afford to maintain their cuts on a regular basis? If you are a financial planner, offer your services to a few families for free to get them out of debt?  The sky is the limit. Whatever you do, do it well. Someone needs the very thing you have and complain about. Make a difference today and everyday!


Evaluate Your Life

I think doing check ins with yourself is important. It’s not just something you do when the New Year hits or on your birthday. A life check up and check in helps to reinforce your goals. T

So what do you do when you check in and discover your life is heading left and you are off task of completing your goals?

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You take a deep breath. You find out what caused you to lose focus. Was it not investing enough time into yourself. This happens more often than most people think. If you aren’t doing a monthly or even weekly check up you can find that on your lists of importance you are on the bottom. You can’t give to someone when you have nothing to give of yourself. Take the time to put you back on the top of your list and make your dreams come true.

What if you don’t have enough resources?

A lot of us don’t have enough resources. We simply are acquiring them as we go along. Join the crowd. End of day, you can still make things happen. If you work your plan and find hiccups, set some intentions. Research what you need and how others in your same position got them. If it worked for them it can work for you. The difference is when you don’t have resources you have to learn to make them. Ask a mom who has limited resources but her children have many needs. If she loves her kids, she gets up and makes it happen.

What if the list are long and overwhelming?

Take that list and put them into categories. What can you do right now? What will take time? List them in order of the time you think it will take to make it happen. Not all dreams if not most are build over night. You have to be doing the work and being consistent. Its like the stories of those who are looking for a job and interviewing. They may hear a thousand Nos until they get to that Yes. Be consistent and keep moving.

What if you lose hope?

Hope isn’t lost its just shifted. You have to be able to refocus yourself. How do you refocus yourself? Look at what you want. Is it something that no matter how many times you put it down, you keep coming back to it? Is it a passion that you feel on a daily basis. If you are at work is it always on your mind? This is where your hope is. Just because you laid your dream down, it didn’t die its crying out to you to pick it up. This is why you talk about it all the time. This is why the desire is burning so bright. It has a hold of you tighter than you have a hold on it. Tighten it up. Get back out there. Be ready for a few Nos. Be ready for times when you feel overwhelmed.

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Evaluating your life can be exhausting. It can be mentally draining. All you do is focus on what you don’t have, where you aren’t, the time wasted, etc. you will find it hard to keep going. Find the little victories along the way. Get back up, dust yourself. and get back into your life. Don’t quit on life, make your life happen. Even if that dream takes years as long as you keep moving you will get there. Everyday there is at least one more thing you can do to make your dream happen. If you aren’t doing something everyday than you aren’t working hard enough or smart enough. If you want to lose weight, everyday you should be drinking your water, increasing your exercise, substituting better food in place of bad food. This is daily. If you want to go to school, you need to prepare. Have you gone to the school of your choice and spoke to a counselor? Have you applied for grants online and in your community? Have you filled out the application? Are you working hard in the day to finance school? This is called an action plan. The part where you take your dreams from off the paper and push them into the atmosphere of action so you can see the reward!


Ask Toi: How Do I Tell my Wife About Her hygiene?

Okay to my male readers let me just say I am so glad that you stop by and visit with ToiTime.  I know a lot of my topics seem to be more generated towards women however I do try to mix up a few male perspectives but not acting like I know what’s it like being a male but getting men to speak for themselves.  This answer will be very detailed with things you may not want or need to know.  However when a man reaches out to me about things he needs to understand and in this case on such a sensitive topic I have to dive in.

Now for one I was always taught that you can smell yourself before someone else.  A few weeks ago I had a wife write in about a husband.  Ladies and gentleman how you smell affects intimacy.  How you smell affects how close someone wants to be around you. Please stop using the excuse if you loved me.  No the real is if you loved yourself you would clean yourself better plain and simple.  This is not a cookie cutting blog so to pretend that an adult is funky and to make an excuse for it won’t happen here.

Although there are medical reasons as to why a woman may not be as clean as she needs to be the end result is often time in the delayed response.  I have heard things like someone can’t help the way they smell.  Nope that isn’t always the case.  It usually has to do with the lack of handling business that is the culprit. It can come in the form of not washing or even just not going to the doctors to seek help and it went unchecked but still is noticeable.  Even homeless people know that they smell and some don’t want to be that way that is why we who are able-bodied and can do for themselves have to do it.

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For you kind husband to seek help in discussing a hard topic has to be hard.  No one wants to go to a spouse and tell them that they smell.  I would definitely talk to your wife when things are calm. Try to do it as soon as possible.  The more upset that you get will make it harder for you to speak to her.  Also be honest use words like I noticed, is there anything going on that I can help…

Know that no matter what you say she may come off defensive.  She may need to see a doctor.  She may need to change how often she is taking care of her hygiene.  We can go back and forth on product choices but at the end of the day she needs to find the products that work for her body and use them.  Let her know that you love her and that you want to be closer to her but the body odor is making that hard to do.  If she doesn’t correct it I know some other blogs will tell you that you are supposed to give a person time but in reality on body odor the amount of time it takes to enter the shower is not that much time. Some people can make things bigger than they need to be.  If my husband told me I smelled I would be mad at myself but I would be hitting that shower fast.  This husband isn’t dealing with someone who occassionaly smells sweaty we are talking about someone who just isn’t handling their business on the regualar.

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There are a few things that as ladies we need to be aware of:

  1. During that time of the month be vigilant in showering if you need to more.  Invest in adult wipes that can aid during the day. Change your pad or tampons regularly.  Also if you choose to keep your vaginal hair long then understand that hair holds odors and during that time of the month blood too.  Powders don’t mask odors.  Do not use powders in the place where simple washing needs to be done.  Also dry your vagina so that you aren’t having water, in areas that can hold smells as well.
  2. Make sure that if you are a heavy sweater that if you need to make changes in your underwear to combat that then do so.  On the same lines please do not wear the same bra daily.  Bras are to cover our breasts and if you sweat under your breasts and keep wearing it often all you are doing is wearing a sweaty bra that is holding odors as well. Nothing good can come from this.
  3. Throw out old underwear.  This should be a given but if you are grown holes in your drawers is not the business.  That hole is making it easy for more sweat and then the cycle of sweat and smells start over again.

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These are just a few things that women need to be reminded.  Some women scare me. I know for a fact that women aren’t as on top of their game as they should. How do I know go into a public bathroom. Women leaving pads without wrapping them first or disposing them properly, women using the bathrooms but leaving their “presence” behind,etc. We are not perfect however if you are constantly having hygiene issues please get help before a husband has to write in.  Once a husband has to write in this means that things have gone left.  No man wants to sleep with a funky woman unless they are desperate and if so that speaks more of them than the funky woman.  You can’t expect initmacy in a funky situation.  Every reader reading this knows this.

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Lastly while we are on topic I mentioned it briefly above but we can’s use the committment to make excuses for where we aren’t.  You can’t tell someone if they love you they have to put up with your flaws.  They do but you have to be accountable for your actions as well.  Love covers a multitude of sins but let’s be vigilant in checking ourselves too.