Ask Toi: How to Forgive a Cheating Parent?

Reader’s father cheated on their mother and reader needs help….

It’s hard to not have your parent on a peddlestool especially a father. As a kid you may have been sheltered from the things that were really going on. That’s understandable, that’s what adults should do. They shouldn’t be as open as they want with their lives for the sake of children. We know in these times some folks don’t care and do whatever they want to do. With that in mind, you’re an adult now. The wounds don’t hurt any less by finding out about your dad’s infidelity. Keep things in perspective. It’s okay to feel like you have lost respect for him. That’s actually quite normal. You’re not a kid you can express how you feel. You can also make a decision if you want to continue a relationship. I am not on team cut him off in any way. I don’t know him enough. I know in time it can be repaired if he’s willing to do the work to do so. If you’re willing to forgive and move forward is going to be key as well.

Also keep in mind that at the end of the day, your dad has to live with his decisions and most importantly your mother is dealing with it mostly. Take some time to process it. Deal with it and do not wave it under a rug like it’s no big deal.  As an adult it may help to speak to your dad one on one. Remove him from your mom and have an adult conversation. Speak candidly and maybe even go to a public place to keep you in aligned to attempt to remain calm when you speak. Remember you don’t have to take his issues on as your own but you can be verbal about where you stand.

You may hear, I am your father respect me. You can respect title and lose respect for your dad. He has to work through earning respect as harsh as it sounds.  Keep in mind that his pain doesn’t just sit with your mom and him but the kids adult or not feel the brunt of the betrayal of the family too. I don’t get why people don’t see the other side of it. Talk to someone you trust that can be a sounding board to help you through and not just someone who wants the details of what happened. If your mom and him work it out that’s great.  If they do not, that’s their marriage to work through. Support your mom in what she needs too. She is hurting too. Take a break from trying to fix it all. You are their child but not a child. You do not need to bandage this in any way to make it okay. It’s not your fight.  Be firm when you speak, say what you mean but don’t be mean when you say it.

I pray you receive closure. I send love your mom’s way and clarity to your dad. I pray he is remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to restore balance in the family structure without taking offense to the responses. I find men tend to think that once the cheating comes out, the children and women are to GIVE this level of instant respect without ever acknowledging the pain. I find it hard to understand the lack of understanding of the pain of the betrayal. Your dad can’t shrug this off like no big deal. The family ideology has been broken. He needs to be in the forefront to fix it. Everyone will need grace during this time!

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Ask Toi: My husband has told me he doesn’t want to go out on dates unless I can reassure him it will lead to sex…What do I do?

First of all you have to ask him why he feels that way. There is a reason.  If he doesn’t feel as if he is getting enough than maybe asking when you have special evenings is the reason.  You will need to find out why.  If the answer is lack of sex than what can you both work on to get to an acceptable level of sex for both of you.  This theory that sex is only for men is played out.  There’s no way you got married to have sex with one person forever and have it be with someone who isn’t willing to participate.  That isn’t fair or reasonable. It sounds like to me that he didn’t know how to ask you for sex and had a bad case of delivery.  This is common.  He wants something but is attempting to find the words to say and figured he would say anything and he has failed miserably.  Totally not right.  Let him know how that made you feel.  You are his wife, not someone he just met.  We know how it was in the dating world when a woman ordered from one side of the menu that meant that man was “entitled” to sex. However on planet reality, that’s not how it works.  If there is a man reading this sorry not sorry this is not how you get your lady, wife, girlfriend, etc to have sex with you

What you both need is romance and some intimacy that starts long before the bedroom and dates.  What your husband said is not setting right with me.  It’s too cold and to say that he won’t go out unless sex is on the menu too sound too pimpish to me.  For instance what if you had a night planned and then during dinner your head hurts. Does he end the date?  Does he not go out with you the next time?  I have so many questions.  Normally I would say be careful when you ask and not just because he came at you wrong but at this point its time for a reality check.  So no tip toeing around this topic.  You don’t have to be nasty but you do and will have to be assertive.  He needs to know you aren’t playing games and the comment was the last time it is going to be tolerated.  This give and take has to step up in a real way and it starts today.  So yes you will have to address him head on.  This will require you to speak up and be firm.

Marriage goes through many seasons.  The one season we see the most is when both couples still get goosebumps on their arms when they see each other.  Although that is super sweet and cute, the reality is that marriage is work. Marriage isn’t this lovey dovey feeling.  Sometimes you want to knock the other person out but your general love and a night in jail stops you.  Marriage can still be full of fire even when both or one of you are having a hard time but disrespect is never okay.

After you do, and you get to the bottom of it, this will tell you how to proceed.  Do you both just like to be around each other?  We all get sick of one another if we are real about marriage from time to time.  This sounds like you have been elevated to a blow up doll and that is something I am sure you’re not.  Do not let him treat you as such.  You are his wife, an equal partner.  Both of you need to step it up in the bedroom and establish what it means to be intimate with one another without it always having to involve sex.  That is the biggest way to increase sex as well as love between a couple. Also something tells me that your biggest issues aren’t even in the bedroom but in the general notion of respect. Respect once lost is hard to get back but it can be brought back if both of you are willing to work at it.  No respectable husband would even think to say this, think it yes, but say it hell naw.

“My married friends are worst than my single ones…”

I want to knock on wood, pray to baby Jesus the Black and the White one, go in a trance that I never have to know the betrayal of a husband in the form of another woman having my husband’s baby.  We have planned not to have any more children.  By we I mean I made the decision and my husband supported it.  I don’t know what would have happened if we weren’t on the same page.  For me it came down to the lack of wanting to go through the newborn phase, being pregnant in the first place and my health.

Cheating is not an option to me in marriage let alone a baby.  I feel like everyone has a right to their list of what they will or will not tolerate and for me cheating is a deal breaker.  I think you end up pouring salt in the open wound if by cheating whether male or female and a baby is formed from that sexual bond.  I can’t even begin to explain the level of disrespect and how that would send me into a fit.  Have I been cheated on before? Yes. Am I with the man who cheated?  No.  It is just not tolerable for me.  I keep seeing stories on television, and in real life of this happening.  Let’s keep it real, men and women been cheating since Jesus was a baby.  I try my best not to judge as I don’t really know what I would do if I was in the same situation.  Can people change? Absolutely they can if THEY want to.  I watched a woman go off on a man who fathered a child outside of their union. The way she was giving him the business I had to remember that it wasn’t my issue because I was on the low feeling some type of way. The type where I had to put down my own pitch fork and not attack my own husband on sight for another man’s discretion.  The hurt in her eyes and voice was enough to break me and I am not even in a relationship with the woman.

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How can a man or woman who sees this devastation continue the pattern of hurt and abuse.  I know the answer is hurt people hurt people but the reality is we have to call a spade a spade.  People once they see you will tolerate certain bad behaviors will continue to do the same as they have always done.  A baby is nothing to play games with.  Think about the couple who has been trying and then that man or woman goes and gets pregnant or impregnate another woman leaving the one in the relationship feeling hurt and empty. A baby is a lifetime bill, and lifetime responsibility.  I can’t say even with all of my knowledge I  would be able to just blend another family to mine like that? Call me Petty Wap because I just can’t see it. Babies cost money so that means that the child fathered or mothered outside of the marriage or relationship is taking away from the central home. It’s never the child’s fault. However I have heard people jump on others for not willing to accept the child and go on like it’s all good.  Some can’t get over it to the point where they function as a unit and just simply move on.  I think every situation is different.  I mean in times where this even comes up in the back of my mind I hear whoop ass.  I would hear divorce papers.  I would hear taking the kids and rolling.  I mean you can’t tell me you wouldn’t think of at least one of those scenarios.  Its human nature.

Why do we tend to forget that especially ladies?  We judge harshly if a woman stays but often times we are dealing with our own issues and stay even when things don’t look or sound right in our own situations. How do we forget that?  Love is simple but the repercussions of taking and engaging in love aren’t always so black and white. When you love you take on some grey from time to time.  This is not an argument to just take whatever is dished.  I think we all have our breaking points and at some point we end things.  It may take a few frogs to get there.   For my ladies as much as we want to blame the other “heifer” remember there were two people involved.  If you are married the one to go after is your husband.  You have no idea what lies were told to her to get her in the bed.  Men will say things like I am leaving my wife. Ladies, its cheaper to keep her always remember that.  Most men aren’t going to elect to break up their home for a side piece. They just wanted to know if they still got it and for most men ain’t nothing better than some new……

Yeah i am trying to spare the church mothers who may read this the ending of that last line.  I am not saying that if you have a friend that betrayed you and slept with your man you wouldn’t feel a certain way.  However I am saying we give men passes and go straight for the woman involved.  Why give your man a pass? Why? So he gets off free and only sustains a few silent treatments, arguments, and a few yelling matches, and he’s good?

Marriage is respectable.  I really would rather my husband divorce me to be with someone else than to cheat on me.  I really would.  Like hey come tell me you want out and let’s get you out than for me to find out that you out here making romantic getaways, bending some woman over in a car or some sleazy hotel or even in her home while I am at home with your kids.  I can say that for me because that’s how I would feel.  I am not the built-in sitter while you go and do your thing and leaving me with the possibility of a baby or even worst a STD.  Let me warn some of my men and women who play dumb. A condom is a barrier which is not 100%.  Let me repeat that, condoms will not protect all of your sexual organs.  I want to live a healthy life so if my husband put my life in jeopardy that’s the disrespect.

I was on a social media one day and a newly single friend of mine made the comment that his married friends were “worst” than his single friends while they were out.  I believe that. It makes me nervous because in love there’s always room for betrayal.  I am not suggesting they should go hand in hand but I do believe you open yourself up to that hurt by loving someone. Married men or women to be honest feel the need to fight to be free. Why not just get out?  Oh yeah you don’t want to pay to play. You don’t want to figure out child visitation schedules.  You don’t want to have your family ripped up because your clit got hot or your penis got stimulated.  Interesting.  You would rather roll the dice and hope the love of your life is just one of the ones willing to play Russian Roulette with you?

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Let me speak on reconciliation.  Even though cheating is my deal breaker it doesn’t mean that I don’t have 5 seconds belief that people can work hard from the point of divorce and make it work.  It can happen.  Trust me it can.  However that is a lot of work. Most people will not be willing to do the work.  I spoke to a friend who I won’t mention by name but she told me that her husband cheated.  She said that in the beginning, he was all in.  They were in counseling.  He took the lock off his phone. He wined and dined her.  He brought her gifts.  Then when he felt like he had paid his debt and she should be over it, he went back to the same things that lead to the infidelity in the first place.  He no longer opened up in counseling.  He locked his phone tighter than a national bank.  He began taking calls on his cell away from her.  He went back out and coming home at 6am with no calls as to his whereabouts.  If you cheated on someone if you really mean to change you keep the change.  You don’t get to put an expiration on it.  If you do it only shows you were attempting to give a band-aid instead of the necessary surgery to provide real healing. She said it was at that moment that she filed for divorce and let it stick.  He came back with the same tactics when she filed.  He wanted to be a better man. However better wasn’t in him. You can’t get what’s not in a person to give.  Every actor has to lay their part done.  He laid his down and she left.

IF you are a cheater and haven’ been caught please understand the old saying, nothing hidden that won’t be revealed.  It simply means what’s done in the dark will come to the light.  If you think you are above slipping you are sadly mistaken.  When you get caught if you know you have no intentions on changing with real change than say that and give that man or woman who so they can then do what is best for them.  Do not bring your mate on a journey wasting yours and their time when you know you still want to do your dirt.  Do your dirt and figure out a way to be a family under the new terms of a separate house.  If you cheat it’s not meant for you to live harmonsly like nothing happened. You have to suffer.  For every action there is a reaction.  You can’t be looking for a loving response after that.  Both spouses need to be willing to work.  If you say you forgive but you still bring it up than you haven’t forgiven.  Let me break one thing down on the forgiveness talk, if you are the one who cheated and you are still doing questionable actions than YOU can’t use the whole forgive me response when you know you still acting suspect.  Align your actions to be honorable that way when it comes up you have an answer that is satisfactory. You can’t still creep and tell your mate stop treating me like I cheated but your actions say you are cheating.  Accept that.  Stop trying to win the fight when you already lost the war.  Do better and knock it off or decide to part ways and then find someone if you can find them who will be okay with you having more than one sexual partner. That is key.  You can’t just find someone who is okay with you being newly single and not committed.  They have to understand that you intend to be in other sexual relationships and be okay with it too.

Dreams can be messages!!

So how often do you dream?  Not just the type of dreams where you write down your heart’s desire.  I am talking about the type of dreams where you lay down and visions come to you.  Often times if I am dreaming it’s about little quirky stuff and most of them I do not remember.  However this past weekend that wasn’t the case.

I had something on my heart and mind and it had been bothering me all day.  So when I went to sleep I expected the same as I’ve always had and that was just to go to sleep and nothing more and nothing less.  This weekend I had a dream where I was visited by influential people in my life who all had a message about self-preservation.  I mean it was vivid and I can still remember all of the details and specifically the conversation.

The dream wasn’t about how I can get another person back but how to get me back on track.  I don’t feel as if I have fallen off the wagon but I do know that I have had severe moments of allowing my environment to dictate my attitude.  The whole house can then be subjected to how I feel.  So in the dream the message was simple, find out what is making me unhappy and deal with it.  Don’t deal with it to evoke change in the other person but deal with things that will evoke peace in my personal life.  We all have moments where we allow the lack of change we see in others to deter our spirits when in reality we need to be the change we want to see.

This message can be applied all over in so many different ways.  Stop allowing others to move you to the point where you give them the very ammunition to be able to say the negative things that you actually do.  For instance stop allowing others to pull on you to the point where you have an adult tantrum.  Then get mad and say well they are judging you.  No.  They aren’t judging you.  You are showing them your behind because you couldn’t get your way.  You have an ugly disposition about you.  You are all ruffled up over things you can’t even change, just stop.  It’s time to keep your sense of wit.  It’s not easy to allow things around you to happen and feel like you have no control.  I know I am a control freak but that makes others around you feel a certain way.  Do not keep allowing people to change your atmosphere.  You really can’t control everything but there is one person that you can and that person is in the mirror.  You can control your responses.  You can control your attitude.  You can control how you interact with others.  You got you.  Oh by the way I definitely felt a thousand times better when I woke up.  I had fallen asleep on the couch which is not what I would have generally been happy about except I felt so super rested that it didn’t matter.  I wanted to do the running man after gettting the very answers and how to proceed in my life.

I swear to you when I woke up from that dream I thought I was in a total different location. It was so super real to me.  However it was all a dream in my Biggie voice.  That dream was one of the most defining moments in my life this week. It is the drive that will get me to complete a few goals.  What do you have answers for?  Where do your answers come from? If you are open often times, the answer are right inside of you.  You know the answers it’s just a matter of making it happen.  What are you going to do?

Single and Married

The title seems to be misfits, right?  It should be but in this society often times people take relationships as a joke.  They want their cake and eat it too.  They want a main and a side jawn but yet they want loyalty from their mate all wrapped in one package.  My thoughts on this is, how can you ask for something you can’t and won’t give?  These are the sad tales of what it means to be single and married.

It’s nothing new. Men and women been coupling up since Jesus was a boy.  However when you look at what it takes to be in a solid relationship these days it makes you either line up or play an unfair game.  Like I said in the introduction of this piece, people want it all but don’t want to give their all.  I mean like my mom would tell me don’t get into any relationship if your intentions are to mess over somebody.  Let me hip you real quick to some thoughts.  I do NOT take kindly to excuses.  The whole, I fell on his dick, I wasn’t trying to cheat, it was an accident, I fell out of love.  NOPE!! Sorry to be blunt but that’s how I roll.  You meant it because there were stop signs in your mind and heart and you yielded to your “other” members.  Now I don’t want a woman to think I’m only talking about men because I’m not.  Our little members are just as hot as these men, don’t kid yourself. Cheating is a choice.  I know things happen that can drive it but end of day if you didn’t attempt to work it out before that point you alone are responsible for your ways.

If you are separated, you are married.  If you are married, you are married.  If you thinking about cheating but you are married, you married and need to be honest with yourself but you are still married.  Same thing in relationships if you made a commitment honor yourself first to do the right thing.  You got someone posting lovey dovey pictures of you, talking about how great a guy or woman you are but then there’s another woman or man who shouldn’t be in your 2 person relationship knowing you ain’t about that life because they just got a “hey beautiful” text from you.  Just stop!  Yup happens all the time.  Back in the day when my parents were young if you cheated it was something where you had to pick up a phone, meet at your special meeting spot, but you didn’t have the audience of social media to help you.  I get into debates all the time about does social media ruin relationships and I say no.  It’s the people who readily use social media to slide into DM(s), etc.  Convenience is not the excuse its the person who desired it, entertained it, and then when about their way to turn it into reality.

 

Either you is or you ain’t my baby.  There is no in-between.  If you want to play those type of games than be single and mingle but don’t take and allow another person to be hurt by your betrayal.  Let me hip you to a little game for both men and women, if you housing and financing and feeding someone you KNOW is cheating on you, DO NOT be fooled by the baby I’m sorry line.  People will say anything for a meal and a roof over their head. Study them actions.  When you dealing with someone who doesn’t have their personal life together its easy for them to hold on to you with whispers of lies. They need you.  Be with someone who wants to be invested due to their love and not what they can obtain from you.  For some of you that alone will weed out them busters in your life.  You won’t need to ask a psychic, your bestie, or anyone else about if you should leave him or her alone.

Now I get that marriages go through things. They do. I know when you get married you expect the honeymoon to be an ongoing enterprise.  It can be but be honest about your expectations and know that there are times when things get hot and heavy and there are times when you have to remind yourself of your vows.  The hard times isn’t an open door to do what you want to do.  Do the right thing or be grown enough to speak to your mate.  I know the whole don’t tell thing works for some but there are people dying for their choices.  There are STD’s that don’t even have names attached to them and all the condoms in the world and spermicide can still get you caught up.  So stop playing Russian Roulette with your mate’s life.  There are more people undercover then the men we want to blast for being on the down low and that’s real.  Many of wives and husbands hiding secrets from each other that cost the ones they thought they love hell.  Oh and by the way you ain’t got enough coin to maintain two relationships.  One of them or both of them to be honest are suffering.

I admonish my single and married to pick a team and stick to it.  I would rather be hurt by a mate who left me and was honest with me than to share a man any day.  No community peen or vagina is allowed.  You need to make a decision that you are married and in this thing for the long haul.  Oh to my secret lovers out there who love glorifying the side piece life, a side piece of chicken ain’t ever going to fulfill a grown person like a whole meal. You ain’t winning no matter how many trinkets and wet sheets you get along the way.  So be clear on who you want.  If you want to be in a committed relationship let your actions line up with your lips.

Little cheating, Run like hell or nah?

So I swear the Internet is a real bona-fide  trip.  So the meme that I’m using as you can see is very direct that women stay in questionable relationships if the money bags is right.  Now let me say that is a very fair statement to say but not always true.

Disclaimer: I don’t agree with calling a woman a bitch.  Let’s get that out the way from the top.

The other examples used in a discussion I was apart of said Cookie Johnson stayed with Magic Johnson even with HIV for money.  The counter argument was that Cookie couldn’t have stayed with Magic just for money because she would have made out more in divorce.  To be honest no one knows that for sure.  For the record loyalty is important so for me if my husband is bringing home some life altering sexual disease home, best believe I would have to protect my bottom line.  I don’t judge Cookie.  Her tolerance level is different from mine.  But my husband knows to risk my life is risking the lives of my 3 superstars and momma ain’t having it.

The next example used was Camilla Cosby with Bill Cosby and the rape allegations against him.  I have publicly said and I’ll say it again no one knows what Camilla is doing and where she stands with Bill.  To be honest she could be legally married and living separate from him.  The point in these examples is there is no one size fits all.  How do we not know Camilla ain’t in the house having a Madea (I can do bad by myself) moment behind closed doors?

Every last one of us as people have breaking points as well as deal breakers .   For some cheating isn’t at the top. Some of our own mothers, grandmothers, and other maternal figures have stayed in less than stellar situations.  What I will say is that I think no one should be in a situation that doesn’t honor them, disrespectful, or filled with violence either.  What one woman chooses especially in a marriage is a personal decision.

There have been women who have been in raggedy relationships and walked away without much to little financial gain.  You can be with a man with all the money in the world and decide enough is enough.  You can be with a broke man and decide that you have had enough as well.  In marriage it’s not black and white.  There is some gray. I know people’s Facebook or Instagram would give a false ideal that marriage is a perfect union but it’s not.  Sometimes it boils down to what you end up tolerating.  Tolerance is subjective.  No I’m not minimizing marriage in the least bit, but after you ride and continue to ride the waves of marriage, real love comes with test.  If you pass or fail it’s a decision that is made on your wedding day and renewed daily even when you ready to roll.  Oh wait that’s right marriage never has moments when you ready to pack up and leave or mentally check out but you come back, right? Oh sorry you have the wrong mental picture of marriage.

Free nugget: stop measuring your marriage or relationship against another’s.  You are the one that has to live with your decisions no one else’s.

Money does rule the world but how it runs your relationship or not is up to you.  If I was you but I’m not, I wouldn’t bank on a man as a financial plan.  If you think if he acts up you will be so paid you will be good forever, rethink that plan.  Many women before and after have had to deal with men who run and evade the court to prevent paying, they will leave a good paying job, move in with they momma or friend just to avoid it, or you could go to court and the judge side with the man.  The options are endless and endlessly could leave you with a broke face and an even more broke bank account.  Some women even with kids involved have had to start all over again.  So be careful with the money will heal my pain all the way to the bank.  You could easily be on your way back to mommas house with your kids having to make it work.  I personally know of a few who this has happened to and happily it ended well for them.  They didn’t depend on the men for a financial plan but they we’re able to leave and make it work with hard work.  Divorce isn’t a paycheck.

Know your own deal breakers and never make a decision to end things on the tier of the  financial gain.  Never stay with someone to save face, protect kids feelings or just because you just too comfortable to leave.  Stay or leave because you want.  I do believe in doing all you can to save a failing marriage.  If there are options still to be pursued than do so.  Hopefully its being pursued by both parties.

Cheating is bad and I think we can all agree to that but if you stay or if you leave is up to you.  Money will not change the hurt and disappointment or embarrassment.  Yes it will temporarily give you a feeling of winning but what have you won? A little bank roll and a do not pass go pass?  Congrats!

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We got to speak up about the boys club!

So if you follow me on Facebook you know that I recently read an article published by Essence.com regarding Jamal Bryant who is a pastor in Baltimore, Maryland.  He was married at one point and cheated on his wife and as a result of the cheating fathered children outside of his marriage. His wife left him and he almost lost his church.  He made every declaration that he was a changed man.  Then flash forward to now where he is in the midst of yet another scandal where although not married he has fathered another child.  So….where do I begin?

I am fully aware of God’s grace and even though God can do a quick work still on Mr. Bryant the truth of the matter is that I think we more accountability in the house of God.  I know this conversation is going to go left fast.  I have received so much backlash that I decided to write about it today.  I have grown up in the church my whole life.  Being the case, at the end of the day being a Preachers Kid I will not sugar coat where Jamal is right now.  Had this been a woman pastor and she cheated on her husband and had a baby the conversation would have been over.  She would have been sat down, put out the church, and that would have been the end.  Well not in the boys club.  In the boys club men are allowed to not step down from position and continue in the same behavior after everything dies down.  Wow so a man can use the member between his leg to defile his marriage, disrespect God and his call, and continue to use that same member between his legs like nothing happened?  That’s good stuff right there.

The boys club has no place in the world let alone the church.  So we are okay with the man of God who is full of lust to speak over our souls day in and day out.  This same man of God is allowed to tell us where we are wrong and need to get it together or else, right?  Wrong. What I am saying is simple.  Sit him down.  He needs to get in control his desire to have sex.  Let’s keep this real and I mean all the way real, he cheated on his wife and now is fathering a baby out-of-wedlock and he ain’t get that nor the rest of the kids simply by reading the Bible.  No, he got that from having sex to whomever would allow it.  So if he likes sex that’s fine but his desire don’t line up with what the good book says so he needs to either line up with the good book or sit down and wait until he does.  Oh and you know he ain’t lay down with the new baby’s mother one time, that means he was having sex with her and anyonelse but just got caught.  You up to speed now.  That’s how it works. Okay, lesson over.

Bishop Eddie Long is another mega church pastor who used his money and influence on boys and is accused of having sex with them.  We already know from the mere fact that Jamal Bryant is still in position that Long is too.  Who woulda thunk it?  So he’s allowed to be out here doing his thing.  Now it hasn’t come out if he still bending over little boys but end of story there was no accountability.  I’m overly exhausted by this. I just had a friend online get “dragged” for wearing a bathing suit to the beach.  Yes you read that correctly the beach but the same men who came for her were married men with kids who you guessed it are pastors.  Another tidbit openly they drug her for not being saintly but was in her inbox sliding her their number.  You get the point.  We need to stop.  I’m so tired of men getting away with this mess.  Like I said on Facebook it’s not all pastors and its not all men before my male crowd go left.  But if you as a man high-five your boys, sons, cousins etc. for getting it with a woman but want to lock up your precious little girls you are apart of the problem.  You are teaching a double standard. The same men you tell your daughters to avoid you mass produce these same men for them.  Yup the boys club isn’t all chummy when your daughter is crying on your shoulders and you want to get shotguns to handle it. It’s only okay as you sit and slide in in-boxes and emails of women that aren’t your wives for that quick gratification.  It’s only good when you find yourself with a young woman in your bed when you should have been home putting your kids to sleep.  Or wait the boys club is only good when you take on someone else’s kids but you leave yours at home with their mother.  I’ll wait.  Before you get all self righteous you should talk to your daughters but talk to these boys not slide them a condom and tell them the whole world is theirs to conquer.

Sex is good don’t get it twisted but its supposed to be in the right context.  I’m not going to be all holier than thou when 2 of my 3 kids were conceived out-of-wedlock but I also don’t go around telling young mothers that they are worthless or call them hoes like so many of even women who forget their hoe miles don’t have an expiration.  So let’s be clear never throw stones out of a glass house.  The boys club needs to end.  We need to hold all of us on the same lines.  No separate rules for men and then we want to spiritually lock the women up.  Nope.  Any and all pastors male or female who thinks that this backward way of thinking is okay be bold, drop the name of your church so we can all know where not to go. All I am asking is to keep it on the same lines and make these men sit down with the women not the women sit while they have to listen to the same male pastor preach knowing right well at the end of the sermon he going over to sister Watermelon’s for some “fellowship” later.