Increased Self Care

Who doesn’t love getting a mani/pedi? How about a salon trip? It feels amazing to pamper yourself or just continue your up keep. As much as these activities are awesome and can be forms of self-care, do not limit that to your only self-care. Increase self-care to those things that bring joy into your heart and life.  What about that hobby that brings the type of smile that can’t be wiped away?  What about making time with friends a priority? What about going back to school to accomplish a goal you left sitting? What about making time for rest and unplugging? We all need to dip deeper into self care now more than ever.

brown couch near pillows and mats

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When I hear older folks make complaints such as “what is this self-care business, we didn’t have that growing up,” it irks me. Those be the same women that have the most insecurities, the most hard battles in their spirit that have gone unchecked. When you know better you do better. Why aren’t you practicing it yourself or encouraging the younger generation to focus on their mental health just because no one encouraged you? You remember them lonely battles you fought? Remember that feeling of being overwhelmed? Why would you want another woman or man to go through that?  Even it made someone 5 seconds better, it’s worth it. Encourage and then practice it yourself. 2019 is about accountability and that is even in how we treat ourselves. We can’t expect anyone to treat us well when we treat ourselves badly. Think about it from head to toe. What are you doing to make you whole? If you are still eating, drinking, not working out, have a thousand bad habits that contribute to your body and mind’s demise, these things need to be worked out.

adult art beautiful beauty

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Self care is about self-preservation.  It pulls you out of darkness and makes you alert. When you don’t practice self-care often times you are numb to things and people around you. It doesn’t stop bad things from coming but it can help you deal with it that much more. Think about the times you let yourself go mentally. You weren’t even ready for hits that life was about to throw. Self care is super important. I don’t care what you call it.  You can call it self-care, self-love, me time, whatever it is find it, be consistent, and then add some more. There is no such thing as too much self-care. That is impossible. Having joy in this world is what keeps people from feeling hopeless. That hopeless feeling leads people into paths that don’t bring about positive results. People need hope. Joy isn’t about walking around with a smile 24/7.  It means that you have things in your life that bring you real happiness no matter what. Self care is about preserving peace in a world full of chaos. Self care is about loving yourself even when the world wants to make you feel unlovable. Self care doesn’t care what your status is in life. Self care is important. Please invest in yourself. Practice some more self-care!

two woman doing exercise

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Sunday Message: Being Aware

One of the biggest things that we don’t always do is make ourselves aware of ourselves. This week I was super agitated. It wasn’t anything that anyone had done. I had to find a balance between the news and all of the events surrounding myself.  It was hard to balance. I found myself semi-triggered at times. Thinking to myself how hard it was to not be upset because whatever was going on around me was triggered.

I had to remove myself from conversations with certain people this week. I had to walk away and say I can’t do anymore than I am doing. As someone who is an ultimate care giver, I find myself in that mode all the time.  My kids can be at school all day and I am still over thinking about what has to be done as soon as I get home. It’s a part of my personality honestly to be on top of it all.  With wanting to stay up to date with current events especially with the elections around the corner, researching candidates so I can make an informed decision, self-care, eating right, working out, and training for this half marathon has been mentally draining. I swear my wrist got tired just typing all of that. Nonetheless taking a moment when I took a step back to see when I was breathing heavier trying to prevent myself from reacting, or watching my kids laugh instead of just walking around like a stress bomb made me take more account of myself.

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What do I need? It’s always okay to step out and grab what you need in the moments but we pretend that we have to have it altogether and we don’t. Being aware of my husband and the things he is processing is a learned skill. To know when he needs me to just let him talk so he can vent and I just listen has been a task this week.  It is hard because we all have stuff pulling on us.  Being aware when my kids just want more hugs instead of me so excited for their bedtime so I can decompress.  It was a challenge this week. It wasn’t this natural happy flow. I had to work at it. I had to step back and make myself be in the moments.

What are you needing to be aware?  What can being aware help you accomplish?  You will be surprised of the inspiration that comes from it. You will be more zen to handle your life instead of your life handling you. Take a moment and be in the moments of life. Don’t let time slip by and you don’t even know how you got there!

Ask Toi: My husband has told me he doesn’t want to go out on dates unless I can reassure him it will lead to sex…What do I do?

First of all you have to ask him why he feels that way. There is a reason.  If he doesn’t feel as if he is getting enough than maybe asking when you have special evenings is the reason.  You will need to find out why.  If the answer is lack of sex than what can you both work on to get to an acceptable level of sex for both of you.  This theory that sex is only for men is played out.  There’s no way you got married to have sex with one person forever and have it be with someone who isn’t willing to participate.  That isn’t fair or reasonable. It sounds like to me that he didn’t know how to ask you for sex and had a bad case of delivery.  This is common.  He wants something but is attempting to find the words to say and figured he would say anything and he has failed miserably.  Totally not right.  Let him know how that made you feel.  You are his wife, not someone he just met.  We know how it was in the dating world when a woman ordered from one side of the menu that meant that man was “entitled” to sex. However on planet reality, that’s not how it works.  If there is a man reading this sorry not sorry this is not how you get your lady, wife, girlfriend, etc to have sex with you

What you both need is romance and some intimacy that starts long before the bedroom and dates.  What your husband said is not setting right with me.  It’s too cold and to say that he won’t go out unless sex is on the menu too sound too pimpish to me.  For instance what if you had a night planned and then during dinner your head hurts. Does he end the date?  Does he not go out with you the next time?  I have so many questions.  Normally I would say be careful when you ask and not just because he came at you wrong but at this point its time for a reality check.  So no tip toeing around this topic.  You don’t have to be nasty but you do and will have to be assertive.  He needs to know you aren’t playing games and the comment was the last time it is going to be tolerated.  This give and take has to step up in a real way and it starts today.  So yes you will have to address him head on.  This will require you to speak up and be firm.

Marriage goes through many seasons.  The one season we see the most is when both couples still get goosebumps on their arms when they see each other.  Although that is super sweet and cute, the reality is that marriage is work. Marriage isn’t this lovey dovey feeling.  Sometimes you want to knock the other person out but your general love and a night in jail stops you.  Marriage can still be full of fire even when both or one of you are having a hard time but disrespect is never okay.

After you do, and you get to the bottom of it, this will tell you how to proceed.  Do you both just like to be around each other?  We all get sick of one another if we are real about marriage from time to time.  This sounds like you have been elevated to a blow up doll and that is something I am sure you’re not.  Do not let him treat you as such.  You are his wife, an equal partner.  Both of you need to step it up in the bedroom and establish what it means to be intimate with one another without it always having to involve sex.  That is the biggest way to increase sex as well as love between a couple. Also something tells me that your biggest issues aren’t even in the bedroom but in the general notion of respect. Respect once lost is hard to get back but it can be brought back if both of you are willing to work at it.  No respectable husband would even think to say this, think it yes, but say it hell naw.