Thank you to the wonderful women who answered the call to be interviewed. It takes a lot to open up about who you are. You are who you are and this process can be a little intimidating. Thank you to all of my volunteers. As women we all have unique situations that vary but collectively we go through much of the same things. Not just for this month or for the #METOO movement, let’s all bond as one.
Good morning all!
We should at this point have gotten our Valentine’s Day our of our systems and continue on showing love to the ones in our lives daily. If you didn’t have the Valentine’s Day you wanted I get it, at this point, refocus from this one day and find ways to use self-care to get through. You still have other days ahead that are going to need your attention.and dwelling on that one day past the 24 hours that followed means that you are allowing this to overtake you.
I wanted to do something different today to have a check in of sorts but instead of highlighting my highs and lows, let’s just talk about various aspects of our mental health. One this has NOTHING to do with the allegations of mental abuse with the recent school shooting. As much as I know mental disease played a part in it, I am one for calling a spade a spade and say that premeditated homicide is a different type of beast. That is a blog for a different day. However I send prayer and love to the community of Parkland and pray that with prayers, we have an action plan in place and sooner than later. I am one for prayer but faith without works is dead, we need action.
All of us regardless of where we are need to heal and have some closures in a few places. Let me be clear that this has NOTHING to do with your tax status. A hurting heart will not heal from a wedding ring. I know we have been conditioned to believe that marriage is the answer to love woes but it’s actually not. Marriage is like having a constant mirror walking around. A lot of wounds that you haven’t dealt with will come up during marriage. So if you are looking for marriage to complete you, this is misguided thinking. It will not. It will make you face yourself. The issue with having someone to face yourself is that not all marriages are strong enough for the depth of junk that people bring into them. So I would suggest that you work on the things that you need before.
Also there are some folks that would rather be single. There is nothing wrong with that. That’s not different then the folks that don’t want to be parents. Your life, your choice. Just be sure that wherever you want love not to go down the wrong path. If you constantly see a pattern in whom you are choosing, don’t blame the people you dated, take accountability. Remember self-care and self-love go hand in hand in your love journey it’s not something to attempt to do after you have entangled someone with you. Also have a plan or list that you have in the back of your mind but make the non negotiable things that deal with character above physical in your mind especially if you are dating and looking. I know women who have these laundry lists of their wants and needs and they are superficial to say the least. Often times they don’t take character into play. If you have a good-looking liar, you aren’t winning. However you should be attracted to the person you are with. So balance it!
I am in the process of weeding out a few bad apples. I find myself doing this often. As I take accountability for my own actions one of the actions is my actions for friendships. It doesn’t matter how long I have been friends with them either. Zero passes need to be given. Since I have gotten older, my desires have changed. With that some friendships were great for the phase of life I WAS in but not for where I am now nor for where I am headed. With that in mind let’s cut away the leech friends. The ones who have zero problems taking but do not ever give. It’s not cool and as everyone is working on themselves the excuses has to stop. You can have a million and one excuses but if you are out here being a bad friend, own it and decide do you really want to change? If yes then do so if not then be honest and let the friendship fizzle out. Also friends shouldn’t get so comfortable that you take friendship for granted. This means thank you, and please go a long way. I think above all we have to remember that when we deal with others in general. You’re not so much of my sis that you can forget that.
We want to be connected but having bad connections is bad for your life in general. Oh and be extremely leery of these friendship circles. I was invited to one that I accepted because I know they are about building up. But I declined one because it was really about selling stuff. Listen, sis I love to shop but I am also on team savings too. I want to help you build your brand but you can’t fill my inbox with let’s make money quick schemes and have me stay. Not one time was it about praying, lifting another one up, or even about making sure everyone felt loved and secure. I pass on these types all the time. This was one of the major pushes for cleaning up my social media. I had way too many groups talking about helping that turned into everyone thinking they knew everything, let’s talk crap about another sister, or finding out the tea in someone’s life. I got a healthy life, so I don’t have much time for the foolishness. I spend more time with solid relationships, my family, going to church, self-care and the gym that’s plenty for me.
What have you done this week for you? Literally I found that I was super agitated more this week wondering if and why someone else hadn’t poured into me. Totally selfish of me but it happened. One thing to note is never do anything for anyone and look for something in return. The second thing that it showed me is that I lacked something that is within myself and I sought after that instead of wasting time being upset at someone else. I have what I need inside of me. Do not tax others to do for you what you wont do for you. It’s that simple. Self care comes from various sources from free to lavish. You find where you can and what you can and you do it. You really should be finding something you can do for you daily not just weekly. If you have gotten to this Friday and can’t name one thing you did for yourself that made you better, than you have some catching up to do. Ladies and gentlemen, self-care is not an option its a must.
I can not stress enough getting ALL of your tests done. Have you made an eye appt? What about a gynecological exam? No physical? No follow-ups done either? What in the real world are you waiting for? You do realize that putting it off will not make anything go away? Be vigilant about your health and what you want. Be vigilant in making sure that you will be here in the future. Go and be seen. There is no reason to have something sneak up on you when we have the technology to do something about it.We need to make sure that our health is fully taken care of. How active are you? How many hours a week are you putting into an active lifestyle? Have you substituted the stairs for the elevators, maybe do a work out tape or a free YouTube exercise instead of constantly sitting in front of the television? Maybe substituted a bad snack for a better healthier option? Whatever you are not doing, let’s change that. Let’s get up and move a bit. Sitting is the new smoking so let’s end these bad habits and do it now.
This has been an interesting week to say the least and remember it’s February so all the hoopla from the New Year’s wears off this month. Don’t let the momentum stop you. Renew your mindset and refocus on your goals. Don’t let this super short month get you. I know even with the flu it was hard to recommit but I did it and so can you. Bad habits only last as long as you want them. Good habits can do the same. Make yourself a priority.
So I am hoping that with everything that is going on personally and professionally that you find a way to recommit to having the best life you can. No things aren’t perfect but you can have a better life if you make the right choices. Sometimes those choices mean that you may need to say no, turn a few things off, say no to a few invitations and maybe even cut off a few along the way, but whatever it is that you need to do, do it and do it well!
It is that time of the year. We are almost to Christmas and with that signal means that the New Year is soon here as well. Although this year like with every year has had its challenges, it also has had some very good points as well.
We will always love you Mom Mom
As we began 2017 we were dealing with the death of my mother in law and trying to get through with everything you can imagine going along with it. We were all over the place physically and emotionally. We pulled through and continue to make strides as we keep her legacy alive.
Also each of my children’s health has been A1! Let me insert a praise break here. Both of my older kids have asthma and if you have a child with asthma you know that any and everything can trigger things to go left. They were in school all year and they didn’t miss many activities and that in itself is a blessing. Also along with my kids, my son started his first year of grade school aka kindergarten. I am proud of his transition to grade school. He is doing a great job. For my youngest she has been able to transition between daycare and is doing well. My oldest is doing well and is super active in Girl Scouts. I can’t say enough I am proud of this year’s progress!
We finally was able to take a long needed baecation. We celebrated 5 years of marriage and although its had a lot of down within our marriage, we are glad to say that we are making it through and are at peace and in love with one another. We had a blast on our baecation. We were able to do what grown folks do, lounge around, sleep in, eat well, drink well, and enjoy some sun and fun. I pray that 2018 allows us to go to a few more places, but 2017 you did your thing. Shout out to my sister in love and brother for keeping our little people as we enjoyed some much-needed time away.
Also of trips and time together we also are getting on the same page. That in itself is a blessing. It’s hard to keep the love flowing from a place of contention. It’s one thing to argue but to have a continual flow of dislike or disagreement and nothing being resolved, it wears you down as a person and wears at your union. We have a few goals that I won’t talk about but just know that marriage is work and we are doing our work daily and checking in with one another more!
Our family have been good. Shout out to a new baby on the way. My brother and sister in love are having a new addition and I can’t wait for the Spring to get here so AT can love on another little. Also shout out to my brother and mom who both graduated this year!! Yall better keep on going and getting your education. Also to my twin who is making some awesome strides in her life and is doing an awesome job raising my niece. Also I am making sure to do all I can to open up more to family. I am not one usually to do that. I like being in comfort of others but there are times when I absolutely need my space. This is why it’s super easy for me to dismiss others quickly. My introvert ways creeps up way more than my extrovert ways will ever.
I have been able to maintain and keep my work out schedule tight. I actually have made changes to my settings on my Fitbit. If you have one you know that you can make it really challenge you to be super active. Shout out to my Fitbit family for the step challenges-yall motivate me to keep moving and claim that top spot. Also this year thanking God for getting that hysterectomy and FINALLY not being anemic. To be able to be cold when you’re supposed to be instead of all day long is a blessing. To be able to not have ice in your cup because ice is life is great too. Also just the general ability to be able to walk around knowing that you are healthy is a blessing. Please understand that so many wish this was their life and sadly it’s not.
For 2018 I will be making or should I say already making changes to the way I work out. When I first got my Fitbit this year, I only set it for 7000 steps even though I was doing more than that. I made the change to at least 10000 steps a day since I am confident with my history that 15000 steps is more likely what I will achieve daily. I also will be doing more challenges within the Fitbit community. I also will be signing up for barre classes instead of Soul Cycle. My doctor has suggested that this will alleviate some of the injuries that Soul Cycle has given me. Not to say that Soul Cycle isn’t a great work out because it is but with me working out 5 days a week, running one day a week, I need to add more core training to my regiment. So that is the goal for 2018 if I could set a fitness goal for the upcoming year. I still will be keeping a journal of my workouts and what I eat. This is not for calorie counting. This is to continue in my Weight Watchers. Any time that I haven’t written things down, I have noticed that I will not be accountable for what I eat. I am looking forward to some new menus for myself as well.
I have talked about this numerous times and I plan on opening up about it a lot more in the future. When I was in college I was the epitome of the college student. The one you could find on top of a bar, never missed a party, always ready for whatever and whenever. I find now that part of my life is downsized, that going out especially doing anything where I attend something by myself makes me freak out. This year, I have stepped out and attended a lot of events by myself. I have traveled a lot more alone and I have taken chances by being more visible. I have named 2018 my personal Eat, Pray, and Love year and with that in mind, I am in the works with a lot of activities that will allow me to attack this anxiety and get passed it.
People don’t even know that I suffer because once I am in a place and I am comfortable I am fine. However I get sick, I feel like I can pass out, I don’t want to go, I try to back out, I go through it often. I know that others like me are out there. Although I have found ways of pressing through it I never want to act as if I am just this bundle of joy all the time. Social anxiety is very real however I choose to be present and push past fear.
Listen, when I tell you I could tell you every tea on most of your celebrities trust I could. I could blog on that all day long since just like our lives, they are messy too. However I have taken such a huge step. Often times it doesn’t show up or isn’t trending I won’t really know about it. I have cut the fat on what I watch, what I entertain, who I engage in. This has been super helpful. I am not saying I am perfect but what I will say it has allowed me to be calmer in my own personal life. I don’t feel the need to clap back at things or people as much because I am not watching these images all the time. This is my PERSONAL choice and not one that I would say hey you need to do at all. This walk has always been personal but if you’re wondering the benefits of cutting back, they do exist. I also stop following a lot of pages, etc. I used to make sure I aligned myself with a lot of drama and lately the cut back has served my personal space well. This spillage has done well in almost every area of my life. I let a lot of battles go and just realized that not every battle is mine. Most of the time it’s almost like fighting air. Folks gon be folks.
I had the pleasure of reconnecting with my aunt this year. Again this has been over 30 years in the making. Since that reunion I make it my business to be sure that I communicate more with her and do what I need to do on my side when it comes to her. Also I have noticed that I have finally taken more steps to find that some relationships I had in the past have served their purposes. I am not saying that discovering that has been fun. I feel like there were a few snubs, a few disappointments, a few folks that I didn’t realize I missed and will attempt to reconnect with soon. This is a part of adulting that people don’t talk about. Letting go is hard. It is not always easy but it is always necessary. So to the chapters that got closed, I don’t understand it but soon I am sure I will or maybe I won’t. To the new chapters that have opened, I have found some awesome new contacts. There are a few relationships that I closed that I am soul searching to discover if it was me closing it just to be petty or was the pain that was caused needing this close. There is a large chunk that will remain closed. I have made sure that I keep in contact with those that I needed to. I really used to have a bad history of just being a one-sided friend. I have stepped it up because in reality its necessary not just for what those friendships or relationships give to me, but what I give to them as well.
I will be starting a new position within the same company starting at the beginning of the year. Won’t he do it! It’s a bit bitter-sweet but welcoming new challenge. I also interested in continuing to learn more, grow, and always secure my coins. I got a lot of things to do and planned for 2018 and its going to take all of my coins to do it.
This year has been like I said filled with some ups and downs. There are things that have happened that has caused me to figure out my life more. I really just want to drink water, mind my business, keep that credit score going up. continue to be debt free, be an awesome mother, a dynamic partner and wife to my husband, a great daughter, awesome aunt and sibling, make sure my career takes off, and be a great blogger! That alone along with keeping this body fit is more than enough to get me through 2018. So as we soon say good-bye know that I have a lot of goals that are an extension of the work I have been putting in from 2017. I have some travel goals, some more me time activities planned, and just looking for the yearly renew. I have always said and its true, birthdays and New Year Day is always the best time to hit the reset button. I also practice hitting that reset button daily as well.
I have unfortunately been around a lot of people who have had life changing occurrences in their lives. It could be that they are sick, they were at the brink of death, or sadly have lost their life. The one thing that resonates with all of them that NOW is the time to live. They want to live their best life because their life is in a balance. The time to live is everyday you wake up.
No life isn’t perfect. It’s not supposed to be but if you have a bucket list, don’t wait until your moments away from kicking the bucket to live. Live on purpose now. What are you waiting for? If there is a trip you want to take, start actively saving. How much will it cost? Research all aspects of the trip. What can you cut to get you there? Is it a few Starbucks trips, or maybe it’s spending less on others. Whatever it is, be active towards those goals. Wake up every day with purpose. Wake up with direction and desire to be better than the day before. Today is the best motivation you can get, start now to do what you need for you.
You have life. You are here for a purpose. Don’t sit idle waiting for greatness to drop out of a sky, take control and crush your goal list!
The issue from the follower was where the co-worker had been irritating them to the point where the coworker wasn’t communicating well if they had been offended by the reader’s actions and stormed off…… Should the co-worker apologize or let it go?
Yes and no. If at any time there was an act done that you are aware of then apologize to the co-worker on the act that was committed. I know some of my readers are saying but how do you know, you know. You know you spoke out of turn, was disrespectful, etc-apologize for your actions. If the co-worker is just in a mood and being reactive, I would say leave it alone especially if it’s not stopping productivity. Some people are just pissy people. Pissy people tend to be upset if the sky is not the right shade of blue. There could be other factors going on that is making a co-worker be reactive. It could not even be work related. I think that as adults if its something is going on it needs to be discussed if its work related at the work place and then moved on. This could be that the upset co-worker may not be able to communicate what he or she needs however in 2017 we have to be able to speak openly even in professional settings and move along so the end result of work can be accomplished. You are at work to work, not to be friends. Never kriss cross the two unless you have a real relationship that is outside of work, and even then learn to separate the two. Only mature adults will have that ability to do so.
I went to Penn State and at no time before or after my time was there a mind reading class. So if you haven’t done something you as the possible offending co-worker can think of, than you need to leave it be until the co-worker communicates. If its something that is stopping productivity, give it a day and see if the work will pick up. ONLY after the offended co-worker has calmed down and productivity has stopped would I approach a co-worker to take any steps.
Did you know that as it gets colder outside that people’s mood shifts? This is super true and super real. People start to go down and depression is at an all time high. It could be the weather, it could be the changes in the leaves and things slowly doing their dying/vegetation stage or the fact that as it gets colder the closer we get to the holidays.
I am generally a holiday person but I notice too that I have to be mindful of my moods more often during the colder months. My kids are what balances me. They don’t allow for me to have too much of a down time and that’s super great. Although I know my husband and I are great parents and we push through, let’s get it real I get in the dumps often. So what do I do during the months leading up to the holidays? I get aware like never before of my triggers.
My personal triggers:
- My mother in law being gone has been one. The year is slowly approaching like in a few days, and that alone has me shifting as I watch my husband and kids shift. I can see pain and I am dealing with my own. For that reason, we have made sure to be careful of any extra drama into our home. This means in conversations, deeds, petty arguments etc. We are aware.
- Holiday commercials. I think they are great. But the onset of them being super early even for me who is a planner gets to me. I was in the store and I am still grabbing things for Halloween and I saw Christmas stuff and I am like are you serious? The reason is it sets my anxiety and now I am trying to focus on meal planning for Thanksgiving and these stores and shoving Christmas at me and I can’t take it.
- Drama-Any onset of drama gets me. To elevate that, I don’t allow it. This is major. Had this been a few years especially before my kids were born, I would have popped popcorn, and starred in it.
- Cold gloomy days-rain is a mood downer on its own, but… cold rainy days or snowy days that don’t produce enough snow to get me or the kids a day off is a downer. I do not like snow. I do not like cold. So I really make sure that I am upbeat, play different music, whatever it takes to get through. Perception is always key to get through.
- Black or dark grey-it works great in the Winter to layer but I will intentionally add color even if it’s in scarf to avoid my mood shifting.
- Complaining-I could be a professional one however even I get sick of it. So now instead of complaining or being around complainers, I just figure out what the core issue is and handle that.
- Lack of physical activity-take that how you like. I try to keep my workout strong because with all of the comfort foods you kind of have to. I tell myself that working out allows me my wine moments. When activities get low as snow piles up I get my wine in. This is why babies are born conceived the most during the Winter months. So be careful.
- Social events-I love the idea of dressing and getting ready to go somewhere until its time to go. Days before my stomach starts to hurt. The day of I start to get sick or my head starts to hurt. To push past that is simple as going, but pushing past my thoughts are harder to do than slipping on a pair of heels.
Whatever your personal triggers are, be aware. Have a plan in site. Speak to someone you trust. The list of mine may seem trivial but if I let myself go, the outcome of that can be devastating to myself and my family. I know for a fact I am not the only one. This is why you need to be connected to the right people who can recognize that you are spiraling or you are withdrawing too.
Make sure that you find what makes you happy. Get healthy. The second I get sick, it doesn’t help my mood. Not only am I focused on getting better but it takes me 3 times harder to get out if I am having a depression trigger right before I get sick. Sometimes I can get sick, if I allow myself to get too boggled down.
Even after you notice your triggers and work really hard not to allow them to get to you, it still may. Knowing what you like that can get you out before you get in is key. Not everyone is the same. Sometimes music does it. Sometimes being outside helps. You may need to get counseling during the Winter months. Whatever it is, get it and make sure you are clear on what that looks like and get it.
Things you can do to get ahead of it:
- Write and keep a gratitude journal
- Buy flowers for yourself
- Meet up with a special friend once a month
- Purchase a special drink
- Have a certain go to song
- Do something for others
- Wear a color that reminds you to stay focused
- Bright Nail colors or color art
- Keep healthy
- Eat right
- Do not-self medicate
- Talk to someone
- Reach out to one person
- Check in on others
IF you experience at any time not just when the Winter months come a slight or even worse case of suicidal thoughts please contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline
So you got the job, now what? It’s time to for your yearly review. Cue in the celebratory music and toss some confetti. You made it through and its now time to ace the review.
There are a few things you need to do before the review to ace it:
- One never get too comfortable. You know how you dressed when you first got the job verses after you been in your position let’s say 6 months after, cut it out. Always dress to impress. I do not care if you have been at your job for years. Dress accordingly. How you present yourself matters.
- Be on time. Have a track record of being on time. Life happens to all of us but trust and believe if you have a track record of being the “late one” it will come up. Get to work on time. Remember what you prayed for when you were in the faith line, get there, be on time, and work.
- Know your job and do it well. You can’t ace your review when you haven’t been doing your actual job. If you find in the midst of your job that there are areas where you aren’t doing your best, ask for help immediately and before your review. The amount of people who fluff off inconsistencies makes no sense. You do realize that your boss knows it and sees it. If training isn’t available then get yourself some. There should be a wealth of friends that you can call on that can assist you in getting a few areas on point. If not, get new friends. Either way your employer will appreciate the effort.
- Come to your review with areas that can be improved whether it be for yourself or for the company. Make sure it’s not a list of complaints only. This is called taking an initiative. Take it. Coming with suggestions even if it is secretly complaints will look better than just having complaints.
- Be on time for your review if not early especially if you are meeting in an area of your office or your boss’s office. Do not be late.
- Watch your tone and your language. You should be authentic but keep it mind it’s a job. I am a direct person but in certain arenas knowing the climate of your company matters.
During your review please bring a pen and a pad to write down notes. One of the most irritating things you can do is come to your review unprepared. This will come off badly. Smile, and look your boss in their eyes. Communication starts as soon as the meeting starts. If you find there is an area of improvement, take the criticism graciously. Do not try to over explain. Just note it and improve. If you disagree, wait until its your turn to speak without cutting off your boss. If they have you write your comments down on your review sheet then do so. Make sure especially if you are asked to write anything to check your emotions before you write. You do not want to come off in a negative tone.
If you know that going into your review there are some areas that you KNOW you didn’t do well, think of ways to spin it. Reviews are like mini interviews and you should always treat it as such.
Lastly ask questions, ask if there is anything that you can do to improve even if you are a model employee. Never get comfortable in your position that you aren’t looking for ways to do better.
Congrats you have made it through another year!!