Thank you to the wonderful women who answered the call to be interviewed. It takes a lot to open up about who you are. You are who you are and this process can be a little intimidating. Thank you to all of my volunteers. As women we all have unique situations that vary but collectively we go through much of the same things. Not just for this month or for the #METOO movement, let’s all bond as one.
I have unfortunately been around a lot of people who have had life changing occurrences in their lives. It could be that they are sick, they were at the brink of death, or sadly have lost their life. The one thing that resonates with all of them that NOW is the time to live. They want to live their best life because their life is in a balance. The time to live is everyday you wake up.
No life isn’t perfect. It’s not supposed to be but if you have a bucket list, don’t wait until your moments away from kicking the bucket to live. Live on purpose now. What are you waiting for? If there is a trip you want to take, start actively saving. How much will it cost? Research all aspects of the trip. What can you cut to get you there? Is it a few Starbucks trips, or maybe it’s spending less on others. Whatever it is, be active towards those goals. Wake up every day with purpose. Wake up with direction and desire to be better than the day before. Today is the best motivation you can get, start now to do what you need for you.
You have life. You are here for a purpose. Don’t sit idle waiting for greatness to drop out of a sky, take control and crush your goal list!
The issue from the follower was where the co-worker had been irritating them to the point where the coworker wasn’t communicating well if they had been offended by the reader’s actions and stormed off…… Should the co-worker apologize or let it go?
Yes and no. If at any time there was an act done that you are aware of then apologize to the co-worker on the act that was committed. I know some of my readers are saying but how do you know, you know. You know you spoke out of turn, was disrespectful, etc-apologize for your actions. If the co-worker is just in a mood and being reactive, I would say leave it alone especially if it’s not stopping productivity. Some people are just pissy people. Pissy people tend to be upset if the sky is not the right shade of blue. There could be other factors going on that is making a co-worker be reactive. It could not even be work related. I think that as adults if its something is going on it needs to be discussed if its work related at the work place and then moved on. This could be that the upset co-worker may not be able to communicate what he or she needs however in 2017 we have to be able to speak openly even in professional settings and move along so the end result of work can be accomplished. You are at work to work, not to be friends. Never kriss cross the two unless you have a real relationship that is outside of work, and even then learn to separate the two. Only mature adults will have that ability to do so.
I went to Penn State and at no time before or after my time was there a mind reading class. So if you haven’t done something you as the possible offending co-worker can think of, than you need to leave it be until the co-worker communicates. If its something that is stopping productivity, give it a day and see if the work will pick up. ONLY after the offended co-worker has calmed down and productivity has stopped would I approach a co-worker to take any steps.
So you got the job, now what? It’s time to for your yearly review. Cue in the celebratory music and toss some confetti. You made it through and its now time to ace the review.
There are a few things you need to do before the review to ace it:
- One never get too comfortable. You know how you dressed when you first got the job verses after you been in your position let’s say 6 months after, cut it out. Always dress to impress. I do not care if you have been at your job for years. Dress accordingly. How you present yourself matters.
- Be on time. Have a track record of being on time. Life happens to all of us but trust and believe if you have a track record of being the “late one” it will come up. Get to work on time. Remember what you prayed for when you were in the faith line, get there, be on time, and work.
- Know your job and do it well. You can’t ace your review when you haven’t been doing your actual job. If you find in the midst of your job that there are areas where you aren’t doing your best, ask for help immediately and before your review. The amount of people who fluff off inconsistencies makes no sense. You do realize that your boss knows it and sees it. If training isn’t available then get yourself some. There should be a wealth of friends that you can call on that can assist you in getting a few areas on point. If not, get new friends. Either way your employer will appreciate the effort.
- Come to your review with areas that can be improved whether it be for yourself or for the company. Make sure it’s not a list of complaints only. This is called taking an initiative. Take it. Coming with suggestions even if it is secretly complaints will look better than just having complaints.
- Be on time for your review if not early especially if you are meeting in an area of your office or your boss’s office. Do not be late.
- Watch your tone and your language. You should be authentic but keep it mind it’s a job. I am a direct person but in certain arenas knowing the climate of your company matters.
During your review please bring a pen and a pad to write down notes. One of the most irritating things you can do is come to your review unprepared. This will come off badly. Smile, and look your boss in their eyes. Communication starts as soon as the meeting starts. If you find there is an area of improvement, take the criticism graciously. Do not try to over explain. Just note it and improve. If you disagree, wait until its your turn to speak without cutting off your boss. If they have you write your comments down on your review sheet then do so. Make sure especially if you are asked to write anything to check your emotions before you write. You do not want to come off in a negative tone.
If you know that going into your review there are some areas that you KNOW you didn’t do well, think of ways to spin it. Reviews are like mini interviews and you should always treat it as such.
Lastly ask questions, ask if there is anything that you can do to improve even if you are a model employee. Never get comfortable in your position that you aren’t looking for ways to do better.
Congrats you have made it through another year!!
So because I haven’t been doing a good job in answering questions that come in publicly so today is an Ask Toi drop. I am answering a series of questions publicly that I have already answered readers privately. Looks like some of you had some personal ones for me too, that’s fine. If you have a question remember you can ask it at email@example.com
- Have you ever gotten into a fight with a woman over your husband? No and yes. When I was in undergraduate school I have gotten into some verbal tussles even though I knew basically my husband aka boyfriend at the time was the one who had gotten me into the situation in the first place. There was a girl on campus who he tried to talk to in the very early stages of our situationship at the time. We were not an item but my thing is I didn’t take too kindly to him pushing up on the girl and the girl and I lived in the same dorm. I didn’t verbally attack her, she was pretty and I definitely saw what he saw. However I let the both know at the same time in front of others that I wouldn’t be the one playing a back and forth game. He must have agreed because as far as I knew it stopped that day. Another time on campus he took a number from a woman and the woman knew we were dating. I blamed him for that and let him have it. However my friends and I still call her a little nick name and I let her know that I wasn’t the one for the undercutting. Since then its been little petty things prior to marriage. At this point in my life, we have known each other too long, I ain’t fighting. I’ll go Lemonade and he will “lose his wife.”
- Have you ever lost a job and if so how did you handle it? I was only laid off on one job when I had my daughter. They laid off about 40 others at the same time. It was hard. My oldest daughter had asthma and I had to be off a lot to take care of her. I believe in my entire heart that is why they allowed me to be in the number to be let go. However it was the best thing in the way to happen to me. I got engaged a week before, I was able to take care of my daughter full-time, and it pushed the move to Philly that helped to shape me into a better version of myself today. Now back to how I handled it, at first I was pissed. Technically I could have gotten an attorney. I just completed my paperwork to protect me from the very thing they were doing but at the time I had too much on my plate and didn’t feel like going back and forth.
- What should I do if I feel like I am burned out from my job? First you need to do some soul-searching. Are you burned out due to the fact that you shouldn’t be there any longer? Sometimes we stay in places we shouldn’t and then wonder why we are burned out. You may have stayed longer than you need to be. It may be time to find a new career path or a new job. Anytime you are in a parking lot crying or willing yourself to a place you are in the wrong place. You may just need to take a few days off. Even if you can’t go anywhere, a staycation is what you need to get your spirits together. Over working yourself is never a good thing. So make sure you place breaks and stops in your work and home balance.
- If your man hasn’t proposed should you stay? This is something that ONLY you can determine. You have to balance what makes sense. If you have only been together for a few months, marriage shouldn’t be in your horizon so soon. I truly believe staying with a person through at least all of the seasonal changes is ideal. You need to get a sense of how that person deals when they are angry, upset, hurt, or feel betrayed as a few examples. These things still look like Power Puff Girl cartoons in the early stages when men are still in the impress you stage. So get to know a person. I am not one for giving an ultimatum. I think as a woman you need to give yourself one. If you say that you have been with this man long enough and you have stayed through the tears and fears and he just won’t put a ring on it, make a date in your mind and stick to it. Do NOT share this date with anyone but yourself. You don’t need your friends in your ear telling you a bunch of stuff they WON’T do if they were in your shoes. You don’t need a please don’t leave me ring either. It should be genuine. I had a date in my mind and my now husband never got to it. We have been married for 5 years. If you can’t keep a promise to yourself on a date and stick to it, telling him won’t change that either. That is why the ultimatum to yourself is more important. If you tell him the date you will leave if he don’t do, you will regret it because you will always wonder if he did it for you to stay or not.
- If sex is a deal breaker how can you tell a man this without hurting his ego? You can’t. Sorry but not sorry a man and his sex is a package deal. For some men its there one go to. So to tell a man who the sex isn’t good and he’s not pleasing you will not go over well. I am not saying that many people haven’t had this talk and it worked out, I am saying is that they will be bruised. IF they love you they will try to step it up. However when you say that sex is a deal breaker this means to me that you have had the talk and no matter what is being said it’s not working in the bedroom and now you are ready to leave and find the one where sex is amazing with. Be careful and make sure that is what you want. Sex is important. I don’t buy into the whole sex is secondary bit especially in a committed relationship or marriage. When you speak of staying with one person and not cheating than sex should be satisfying and it should be for both partners. I have dated a man in the PAST where sex wasn’t even close to be satisfying. I left. It was a personal decision for me and I was fine with making it. I was honest and I tried to make it work after I had “the talk” but it didn’t work. I was crystal clear in letting that man know that if I stayed knowing the sex wasn’t working I would cheat and I felt it more honorable to leave than to stay. He may not have liked it or agreed with me but again it should be satisifying for both.
So we all have them right? Unless you are in business for yourself you have to work. I was always taught if you don’t work, you don’t eat. There are no handouts. Let me say even if you have landed your dream job, having others who you have to interact with can get annoying. It doesn’t mean you have to be at your wit’s end.
I am a firm believer in life not to allow any one person to get into my spirit so much that the sight of them makes my eyes squint. Now that is not to say that it hasn’t happened. It’s getting warmer out and although you would think that moods would be jolly people are people. These tips I am giving are the ones I use and reuse all the time.
- Don’t take your work home-give yourself about 5 minutes or so after you get off or after you speak to a friend or spouse about someone at the job and then let it go. The more energy you give a person even if they are not in your presence the more they irk you. Speak it and then release it and them.
- Know your supervisor. Sometimes knowing who you have to report will help the situation. There is always that co-worker that thinks he/she is your boss. Speak up. You are only going to get more frustrated if you don’t. You can professionally let people know where they can get on or off without being overly out-of-pocket. Little reminders of the such goes a long way trust me. You have to professionally back people off of you.
- Don’t Speak what you won’t do. If you are a talker and all you want to do is complain say that. However never put out in the atmosphere what you are going to do if you don’t plan to do it. People waste energy telling folks off and then don’t back it up. In an office setting there should be protocol in how you handle conflict. Deal with the issue and attempt to set aside the emotions of the situation.
- Be cordial-stop thinking that you have to be your co-workers friend. This false set of foolishness leads to more issues that can be squashed. If you and the co-worker don’t hang out outside of the office, stop allowing them to be on your social media networks and crossing the friendship line with you.
- You are in control of you. Adults should be their own person. Learn that in some situations hi and bye works. You are there to do your job or work on your projects. When you forget that at times you get caught up.
- Don’t get caught up in office banter. In order to have less problems learn when to disengage.
There will be tines when the list doesn’t work. Gasp. Yes people are people. Find it inside of you to stay in control. The biggest one is to learn to speak up. It’s usually the ones who hold everything in, and complain the most who have the worst interpersonal skills. They haven’t learned to walk in their adulthood. That alone will solve a lot of office issues. Never stoop to the annoying co-workers level. Remain in control. There’s a good chance they have rubbed others the wrong way as well. Never let them see you sweat. Since most of us don’t have bail money on deck, don’t lose control at work. Walk away especially from work place violence-no one wins. Take walks. Take a break.
So one of my favorite cousins had a conversation about no accounts. When we first started talking it was about no account mammies. Yes I said mammies. No account mammies are the moms who have kids and don’t take care of them. The moms who drop they babies off to big momma’s house and be in the club every weekend. The ones that don’t ever even check on big momma to make sure she need anything. Always expecting somebody to raise their kids but don’t raise them themselves. The no account mammies are the ones that have kids and expect the state to take care of them. These are the kids that get fished into homes other than the one they should be in. No accounts have a reason for why they do what they do but most don’t take into consideration that at the end of the day a choice was made and a choice was taken.
My cousin and I have these talks all the time. However the no accounts can really apply to anyone to be honest. it’s not an attack on women or mothers. It’s the reality of what happens when people who are too selfish to care about how choices and actions actually interfere with others. So for the sensitive you might as stop reading now. I will not sugar coat no account people. They are all around us. They could be in your close circle. This is not to say that you must have a perfect life. I know myself and others who have had lives that have been filled with tragedy, regret, etc but the choice to end up as a no account person is a personal choice. I had a conversation with a person yesterday. They said something that clicked to me. Without getting into the details it boiled down to level of relationship. Some people appear to be no account with you because they don’t even value you as anything worth doing better by. Is that the person’s fault? Some of it can be. However could it be the way you allow certain things to be said or how you carry yourself in that relationship that makes the difference?
We give the no accounts so much credit. For instance the cash me outside chick. She is a no account. Sorry not sorry. She is slated to make millions of this ghetto vernacular that black folks been accused of acting like but we get the wrong end of the stick. To be honest she is a disrespectful child that needed her behind kicked a long time ago. Yes I said it. I will not watch a reality show that glorifies her bad behavior. She needs the right set of parents. Now she making club appearances. How? She isn’t even 21 to enter these premises and making more than most hard-working citizens. But the dummies of the world put their stamp of approval on her and bam she’s an instant hit. Miss me with her and her antics. I am not a hater. I am on team make your money but if the only claim to fame is because you out here threatening to hit folks but every other time you getting your ass beat than I am in the wrong field. She is out here making disrespect and foolishness cute.
No accounts care but mostly about themselves. Have you dated a no account? The one who every time you bring up stuff they disregard you? The one that can’t seem to be on time except if it affects him or her? The one who seems distant but you still working on him? How much working on him or her do you need to do before you clock out permanently? Even doctors get in and do what they have to do in surgery. If the person you like has that much work to be done it may be time for you to consider that surgery time is not even worth it. Like what are you really going to do with this person? Convince them? How is that working out? Even in marriage the piece of paper that governs and holds your benefits of marriage together can’t make a husband or wife do what you want them to do. After awhile working on the marriage becomes just exhausting but I know we aren’t supposed to say that because the ones striving towards marriage will feel some type of way. This is real life. The glitter and gold of all things eventually wear down.
Let’s talk about the no account job you have. Who makes it no account? Does working at McDonald’s make it no account. Absolutely not. I really have to say this. Nothing in this world irks me more to hear people who finally get a piece of job saying the most demeaning thing about fast food workers, or janitors. Do you realize that people need to work. Where they work has no bearing on who they are or what they can or can’t do. I hear people say when people don’t have a job that they could have worked at (insert job) but the minute they do they have to deal with the most uppity attitudes because they sold you a burger. Stop this mess. You have no idea where you can be doing what you have to do for yourself and your family. This uppity mentality of telling people “he or she better pass me my damn sauce” needs to stop. No matter where you go you will find folks with bad attitudes that’s from the high-rise job to the lowest as well. So don’t attribute raggedy to someone just because of their job title. If you treated others well no matter what they do or who they are you yourself would be a lot further in life than where you are and that’s the truth.
No account friends exist. I am struggling in this department. The reason for the struggle is that it has nothing to do with cutting people off. It’s seeing the shift of friendship and waiting for the shift to complete itself. No account friends are the ones who never have nothing nice to say. You bring up something they make it about them. Or tell you that they been there and then go into the ME fest. Sometimes you need to just hear “let me know how I can help you.” Just because you did it one way doesn’t mean you have to speak ill about something and someone you call a friend. No account friends start when friends forget to treat each other the way you want to be treated. Not just when you feel needed and have a god complex that you are now saving the world. No account friends have to be dealt with by cutting them out of your life. Getting cut hurts. So the emotions you feel behind it is real. However what can you do with a no account friend? Nothing if your honest. They don’t serve a purpose but frustrate the gifts, talents, and love you could be giving to another human being and get the same in return.
You have the power to end the no account cycle. It doesn’t matter what your title in life is trust me being a no account person or continuing to deal with a no account person will only lead you into a place of continued frustration. You will be dark and angry without knowing why and all along it was because you had all of the negative energy around you. Take your life into your own hands in that you do what is absolutely best. You have a right to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind. However your struggle with the factors that you don’t think you can change. Its going to hurt. You will miss the negativity. Yes you will. You are used to it. Like for instance I was used to certain behaviors from others. So the minute I took charge and ended it I still longed for it. This is the part about change people don’t talk about. They make it seem as if you change and then you just keep on trucking. That’s not true especially when you been around something for so long. However like my grandma would say to hell with it and folks. You have to keep walking away, stay away, and command respect in your own life and how you deal with others and especially in how you allow others to handle you. How you allow others to handle you is super important. Often times when you allow folks to do anything the only one mad is YOU. You know better. You feel it’s not right. You know you don’t like it than stop it. It can be on a little scale or large one, end the mess today. Take into account the no accounts in your life.
People are walking around full of sorrow. Some of it is from what they have done. Let me give you a nugget for your past. If you DID it already and have made strides to do better and changed your life around know two things.
- It’s over
- People do not have to validate your change. You do not need an amen corner to push you along to the best parts of your life. Walk alone if you have to but stop waiting for acknowledgement of change that may not come.
If you are walking around with sorrow in your heart because you lack friendship and you want to be connected as most of us do, put out the very personality and love you want to receive. When it comes back to you tainted know that who you attempted to connect with or have been connected to is the wrong one. Another free nugget of wisdom, the amount of time you have been connected with a person or group of persons is never a reason to stay in a no account relationship. Why do you think that people who have been married for 25 years end? It could be they held on for selfish reasons like making the kids happy. It could be that they weren’t financially in a place to end things. This happens more often than you think. Walking around in the wilderness of any relationship being faithful to it because of amount of years knowing it no longer served you is craziness. Don’t get discouraged. Keep on going. The right ones with the right spirit will link up and it will be like being thirsty in a desert and finding water for the first time. Your issue is in the mean time of that happening. Continue on your goals, fine tuning your crafts, finding your gift to the world and taking care of your home. Your home also means your spirit, your well-being, and what makes you whole.