The Worst Advice I Have Ever Received…

So I think bad advice is any advice that is strictly from another person that doesn’t take into account your life. There is not one word that fits everyone. We think that just because it seems like good advice that it will work out all the same. But that is not the case. Just like with life advice seems to be work out differently and varies from person to person.

So let’s get to it…..having children is so super natural that after you birth them you know exactly what to do. It is not as natural as everyone makes it out to be. At least not for me. I knew how to do the basics, but there are a lot of things that comes with having children that didn’t feel as authentic as the books and folks makes it sound. Let me squash all the folks that would love to try to “go up on Tuesday,” I love all 3 of my children. So let’s squash that now. It was never lack of love but lack of mothering skills that I thought I wouldn’t be enough for them.

mothers

My pregnancy with each of my children were all different. Each pregnancy came with their own sets of issues. The bonding with each child also was different too. That is fine as I believe to this day that the difference with having 3 kids should always be taken into consideration with how they are raised. However when you add in the birthing experience and nursing, pumping or bottle feeding and all the things you must quickly learn, the natural instinct didn’t kick in like folks tried to sell me. Some folks said once the baby was out of your womb you would just feel like you had been having kids all your life. I have to STAWP you there, that didn’t happen. I felt like I was tired all of my life. I felt like I was overwhelmed all my life. I felt like I was not prepared all my life, but not one time did I feel like a champ of motherhood just from birthing my kids. I needed so much guidance. I got to shout out the mothers.  I don’t mean just women who have babies. I am talking about the old mothers that we lack today. It’s rare to find a mother of Zion like the old folks used to call them that would give you advice, had enough tenacity to listen, and be there for younger mothers. You see that, teach AND listen. It’s a lost art.

We love to tell folks that don’t have kids how great it will be. It is great if you are talking about the overall sense of accomplishment. We fail to tell folks the real of what to expect. Handing me my oldest child in the hospital came as a shock.  I didn’t get to connect with her right after birth due to her being premature and that made me feel like I had no clue who she was. I felt more connected to her in the womb than outside. Reality hit me like a ton on bricks. I knew how to feed her and told myself well the other things would come. It did but those first few months as she was sick, listening to everyone tell me what I was supposed to do didn’t feel as organic as everyone suggested.  I really wish I could go back and set a few folks straight about a few things. Having a baby is an outer body experience. There are more times that I felt like I didn’t know what to do or who I was becoming. That has nothing to do with the actual child but the preconception of what I believed as a mother in the early years. News flash, even after the 3rd child I still wondered if I having another one was a good idea. It was obviously, but that feeling of natural instinct is always shuttered by doubt and lack of information.

crescent moon and cloud wind chimes

Photo by NIKOLAY OSMACHKO on Pexels.com

I really hope that other mothers who I KNOW FOR A FACT have gone through this, would be honest. It’s not a lack of love for your child (ren) but its a lack of trusting in yourself or lack of information to the new expectations of motherhood. So let’s mark false to all mothers having this natural nurturing ways about them as soon as they birth. Overtime you get better. Over time you develop what your child needs. So although our womanly body is “made” to birth babies, the mind and the body and the emotions have to link together to make the whole experience better.  I applaud all women to understand that above thinking that it will all just come together like a jigsaw puzzle on its own.

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Fight Procrastination Day

I’m really glad that there are days like this. They help us to get our minds together and what a day than fight procrastination day. We all at some point have procrastinated about something. From weight loss to grocery shopping to laundry, procrastination takes many forms.

Fighting procrastination means making an attempt to do the things that we all need to do but have been putting off. What do you need to stop putting off? Have you completed your 2018 resolutions if you made it? This is something you need to get back on track. All of the promises made to yourself need you to bring life into them. It’s easy to let a few goals slide. However depending on the level of procrastination, the guilt that comes from it can be unbearable.

Waiting and putting off grocery shopping until you have literally no food may not stop the world but depriving yourself for example your education, and making excuses year after year could affect your quality of life. Not washing your hair a few extra days may not end world hunger, but putting off going to the doctors could put your life as risk. Counting up the cost of what you choose to ignore is a part of prioritizing. Some of the little things we ignore can add up.

Take some time to make new list and instead of ignoring, avoiding, or crossing off altogether prioritize what matters to you in the long run. Sometimes procrastination comes from putting yourself last. You are important and nothing you do for others will matter if you can’t find a way of pouring into yourself first! Your goals and dreams need you and you need to fight procrastination and make it happen!

Here is a small helpful listing of what you can do to help fight procrastination:

  • Make smaller goals from large goals
  • Reward yourself
  • Make realistic goals
  • Eliminate people or things around you that are triggers of distraction
  • Set time restraints around your goals
  • Write your goals down

I hope that today and everyday you take the time to make one step towards each goal you set. We all can get caught up in life . What we do once we get caught off guard, matters. Fight procrastination and hit it hard!!

Better Breakfast Month

There are so many holidays in the month of September. I do think it’s a good idea that they whomever makes these days made better breakfast to be in September. It’s a good idea because it correlates to kids going back to school!

food gourmet on top of brown table

Photo by Life Of Pix on Pexels.com

We no that in the United States unfortunately some kids struggle with meals. This really ought not be but it is a reality for some. Breakfast is super important. As an adult it’s hard for me to concentrate when I’m hangry. (Angry + hungry) how much more for our children? I know some folks really can’t eat breakfast. I am not one of those people. I would encourage the non breakfast eaters to at least eat fruit.

Eating better starts with choices. Having a variety of choices comes down to being prepared. Instead of sugary foods invest in whole grain options. I would suggest prepping it ahead of time. Time is the biggest issue with breakfast.  Not having enough because the stress in the morning and trying to be on time sometimes clashes. I get that!It’s easier to grab on the go.  The same breakfast sandwiches you can purchase at a fast food place can be made at home. Invest in fruit. Invest in cereals with less sugar and be creative. You can have fresh fruit in your oatmeal or cereal as an alternative.Make the time to prepare things at night meaning packing bags can help cut down on time.  If you have lunch and breakfast prepared you can be more in charge with what you place in your body.  Often times we shove food into our body and grab food from vending machines because of not being prepared.  If you have a family if you mirror the change you want to see it makes it easier for others around you to align.  Not all food that is grab worthy is bad.  You can grab yogurt and eat that with some granola and fruit and have that be better than a sugary donut a diet soda.

Even if you say come on “I can’t do that,” commit to a few days a week of making healthier choices. Once you see how much better you feel it may be an easier to make that change stick!  The benefits of eating a better breakfast:

  • Better Concentration
  • Aids in weight los
  • Helps in portion control for the day
  • Better productive day

Can you step your game durng breakfast?  Give it a try!

Back to School Prayer

Within the last few years the increase in violence on school grounds have been too much. I don’t remember having my parents worry if I would come back home after leaving. It was understood I would have a long day, work hard, and then go home. Today parents like myself are doing what they can to make each moment count. No longer do we take for granted that our children will return. That breaks my heart. To all the parents who would have had children starting this school year, my heart goes out to you!!

Another aspect of our children going back to school is for their education. So many students fall through the crack that my prayer is that they will have the necessary tools to be successful. I pray that the teachers who are already underpaid are there for the right reason. So many teachers and no not all, are there for a check. It comes out in how they govern their classrooms daily. They are in neighborhoods they don’t believe in and they take away from those amazing teachers who give beyond their means to see that no student is left behind in school or life.

I pray that the students would be successful and make strides this year! I pray that all students no matter what they face will be successful. So many students who don’t have lunch money, no rides to school, having daycare issues for those who are parents trying their best to graduate, may they have the resources necessary to make it happen! May the teachers have supplies! May they have cooperative parents! May the administration be understanding and stop discriminating, power tripping and have the students in mind when they make decisions that will affect them! May the parents have the resources necessary to meet their student’s demands. May the parents have the patience to go back in time and remember math work it’s been a thousand years that they had to do so they can help their kids.

All of theses blessings and more I extend to all students, parents, administrators and teachers!!

Ask Toi: How do I deal with my Parents thinking I’m not following old school parenting with my own kids?!

This is multilayered. This could have come up if you’re making comments about new school parenting is better. It can come up if you do something that an old school parent thinks is too new school. It could come up if you ask for advice from old school parent but then do the opposite.

Depending on when it comes up is how you proceed. There’s no doubt that old school parents believe and hold to their old school values. That can be from diapering to discipline. So if you are stating how better the new school way is better often times old school parents hear “you think you’re a better parent,” or they hear, “you think my ways are wrong.”

If the argument of who is better comes up during a time when the new school parent does something in front of an old school parent that could mess with the new school parent and you think you’re not good enough. You may feel pressure for approval and it can mess you up if you aren’t feeling it. If you ever ask an old school parent advice and then don’t take it, it could come off as a “why you ask?!” This is probably the most irritating interactions.

So here’s the thing:

1. Parenting is subjective: you won’t ever get to the point where you feel 100% feel that you are quite finding your rhythm and old school parents are super high fiving you! It would be nice but not everyone has that happy mesh.

2. Old school and new old school ways are within you. You will fuse them but only how much depends on you.

3. Try not to take everything said to heart. Between your own parents and finding your way and the world with their long laundry list of to dos and not to do it will be hard to find your actual way. It’s okay!

4. Trust your instinct-this is hard but necessary

When I had my first child she was born 6 weeks early and had to stay a few days in the NICU. I was fortunate that it wasn’t a longer stay. I relied on my own mother to guide me. She gave me basic parenting skills. However my child had a lot of health issues therefore I had to rely on the doctors for a lot that first couple of years. Probably more than I would have all things considered. A lot of folks was knocking me for it. I trusted my instinct, and did some give and take with those around me. I pushed through! You’re not choosing one side over the over. You’re choosing what you need to feel successful in parenting. Also it’s okay that old school won’t agree. Parenting comes with thick skin. Take things with a grain of salt. No the things that our parents did when we were younger will work now, times have changed but what’s the same is wanting better for your child, keeping them safe and healthy, and working hard to provide. Be gentle with yourself but stand strong in your decisions.

Heat Ain’t Stop the Show

So Philly is experiencing a heat wave. We are in a Red alert. So with that being said hydration is our friend. Staying cool and protected is the name of the game.

There are several events happening this weekend. I took the liberty of researching the options for the month and have linked my husband and I’s calendar to be in sync with the activities. This doesn’t mean that we will attend them all but at least we are aware. Today we decided to attend #phillyscoopfest. It is an ice-cream festival that has many vendors, some samples, music from all diversity, and it was located this year inside the Reading Terminal.

Little secret, I have never been to the Reading Terminal before. I know, I know why?! I’m not sure. But that is a thing of a past. I was there which is super surprising as much as I love my hometown market and one would think I would have ran to the Reading Terminal but nope! I finally made my presence known.

My family and I walked around and our first stop I tried a pineapple basil from Mom Pops. I loved it. They were dairy free, gluten free, everything free but what wasn’t free? Taste. I loved it. Since taking dairy out of my diet I’ve always on the hunt for non dairy dessert. The gentleman gave me a lot of coupons that I’ll be using going forward.

My kids all had a strawberry banana popsicle and I doubt they heard everything that was taken out of them and finished it before we made it to Bassett’s and we had such great ice-cream. I elected to have sorbet for the reasons already stated. It was good. The kids enjoyed their cups and my husband his cone. The staff was super organized and treated us well.

We made our way to enjoy our icecream and listen to music which was my personal highlight of the event! They also had prizes, a kid spot, tables to enjoy your icecream and food and it was great to see the diversity and fun without drama!!

Also if you purchase something at a vendor for at least 10 dollars they validate your parking for a discount. So all together it costs us 5 dollars for parking, for almost 30 of ice-cream, and memories were made for a family of 5 that is a win!!

After going to a friends house warming we decided to give the kids a break and recoup before heading to the Fireworks at Penn’s Landing. Naps went over and we missed the Army Band’s performance. Listen parking in Philadelphia is no joke and definitely during a holiday weekend. It took about 20 or so minutes to find a non paying spot but we found one.

The crowd was plentiful. From Spruce Street Harbor to the actual fireworks it was a great night!

So here’s to more events, family time, and not letting anxiety hold me into the house!

Weekly Recap Friday June 22, 2018

Hey ToiTime followers!!

I hope all is going well. We just celebrated the first day of summer! Yes a new season and this one is one of my favorite ones. I hope that you have a few plans of your own for the next upcoming weeks!

I encourage you to find activities in your own backyard. I know my fam bam will be doing more local events but that doesn’t mean that our fun will be any less! Just the other night we started our summer movie series where we watch movies outside with snacks, ice-cream and snow cones, etc. There are several locations throughout Philadelphia and for us it’s a great way to make memories, get outside and have a little fun during the week. Our kids are on their Summer sleep schedule. I know some folks talking like let the babies stay up late but um that’s a nope! They are in camp while we are at work and the wake up times haven’t changed!

Personal Goals

I am making sure to do my self-care daily. Say what you will if you don’t with all the news alone can make a person go nutty! I am running in a night run on Saturday for S⬆️2C Stand Up to Cancer so that should be lots of fun. Also going into next week I have a lot of projects before the 4th of July coming up. I also will be training as if I really stopped for some Fall running events and will keep you posted! Of course I will be scheduling at least 2 beach days for myself and at one for my kids. The verdict is still out if my husband who doesn’t enjoy being at the beach will attend!! Nonetheless the beaching must go on!!

Blogs

I’ve been emailed and asked if I’m taking time off in the summer and the answer is no. I took time off in April so unless something comes up I will let you know. Remember if you have a question for Ask Toi to send an email to ToiTimeblog@gmail.com I will always email an answer privately and then do it for the blog anonymously. Also as I attend events I blog them more in the Summer! So be on the look out.

Summer Blessings

I pray that you get out and have a great time. I also hope that you stay safe. With summer is more drinking and one of the most avoidable causes of death is drunk driving. In 2018 with apps such as Uber and Lyft there is no reason to ever get behind the wheel of a vehicle and put yourself or others at risk. Also for my single and dating, be careful that you aren’t getting catfished or let your guard down when meeting new people. Stay visible and be vigilant.

May the sun be present more this season. May you be able to enjoy the hotter months and have the best time. Have a great summer and we are looking forward for to more blogs!!