Love Energy

If you ever worked out you know how it can feel. Sometimes you feel super motivated. Other times you have a love/hate relationship.  However if you are consistent in it you will notice how better you feel and eventually you will see results. When you are consistent and you see results it keeps you feeling amazing and keeps you going even when you have days when you slack off.

The energy behind that feeling of working out, eating better, or doing better is the same type of energy that needs to be put into your love relationship. You should feel loved on everyday. The days where arguments seem to be on a thousand, and you’re not getting along, should be way less than the days you and your partner spend loving on each other. One thing that I am realizing is the more energy into the relationship, the better the results. The times in your relationships where BOTH partners are attempting to meet in the middle is key to making it work.

Energy never lies. I don’t care what a person says, if the energy that a person is giving or lack thereof, is the key to how things hold up. You can never go on record with your spouse naming the things that you do in response to responsibilities alone if the energy in how you love isn’t being shown. I learned that in counseling on my own. I went to counseling about my life in general and if I am honest my marriage came up. My counselor was a man and he said to me that I know the energy in which my marriage is giving and if that energy is slacking, it won’t hold up. I either had to do my part, wait to see if my husband’s part would match, and if it don’t match, I knew what I had to do. This doesn’t mean my counselor was encouraging to divorce, etc, but he was making me aware of things that love blinds you to.

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Love is amazing. If you are being loved right, it shows. A woman glows better when she’s loving herself and her partner is loving her correctly. There is no denying that. Energy is all about what you give to your partner. If all you do is harp on what your partner does that is negative than don’t get mad when that person goes looking for someone to encourage them. Let me say it for the folks in the back, this is not a oh well if they cheat clause. I am saying if you’re honest and you know you aren’t speaking good into your relationship and over the person you claim to love and all you do is tearing that individual them, gaslighting them, and downing their every move, eventually that ugly side of you becomes less and less attractive. No ONE wants to be put down. You can’t come with a smile, ever? You don’t have not one nice thing to say, ever? There is something wrong, always? Don’t nobody got time for that. If you have an issue with something, speak up but it don’t have to be drawn into a picture with a neon sign everyday! Speak love. Speak encouragement. Put into the relationship what you want out of it.

One last nugget my counselor told me that we tend to say, if I was with “this” person whatever the “this” represents, we would….. If you don’t work out in yourself whatever negative issues you feel from what you get out of your mate, you can leave them and run right back into that same type of person later. Check your loves of the past, do they all share common traits? If so than maybe there’s something in you that needs to be worked out. Energy never lies. If you feel miserable and you’re working on yourself and find that the person you are with is not and its dragging you down, speak up. After awhile things will naturally take its course. Don’t ignore the warning signs cause you love this person!

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Nancy you have got to go…

You ever meet a real life negative Nancy?  The one who complains about the sun being in the sky.  They always have some rebuttal for everything you say.  They are dissatisfied in their own lives and the only time they have any joy is when they are needed or have any type of good happening in their life.  They also are the type to think that no one other than them has a good life even though in their life they complain.

So their name isn’t Nancy.  Insert whatever their names are.  I have been listening to people lately.  Not eavesdropping but just listening.  If you quiet your spirit and listen to the people you are in communication with you will notice the relationships that need to be cut.  You know getting cut hurts.  It may be a sad thing but having someone in your life that is draining is ever more hurtful.  You ever leave a conversation and then your life sucks even though before you were happy and content.  It’s the life sucker you just engaged yourself.  If you constantly are engaging in this type of behavior no wonder depression, hatred, envy, jealousy don’t leave you as quickly as it should.  You are drowning.

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You can be on top of the world and have Nancy comes and steals your happiness.  Note not all Nancy’s are life suckers.  The issue isn’t making them change because they won’t. Most negative Nancies don’t even see anything wrong.  They blame it on their personality.  Oh your personality calls for being a jackass to others? Being troubling? Always having something to say? Always giving unsolicited advice?  There’s a word and its called contentious.  I have been hearing this word for weeks and it wasn’t even being spoken. Some times contentious argumentative people like to talk and have anything to say just because they think they can.  If you say the sky is blue they will have something to say about it.  Like Lord, do you ever breath in happiness?  Also be careful if someone says you are that way, look at who you hang around.  9 times out of 10 that is your answer.  Like momma always said everyone ain’t telling the same lie.  So you can drop the fact that you aren’t liked by whomever.  The reality is your personality you want to hold onto so dear has rubbed them and probably a few of your cherished friends the wrong way too.  Admit it you are the Negative Nancy.

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Be honest about yourself before you start trying to figure out who amongst you is the negative Nancy.  If you know you could use a little more positivity in how you address life in general.  Then for Pete’s sake get there.  People are tired of your ways trust me.  The ones who don’t speak up to you know it too and they just limit their interactions to avoid the drama that is you.  I know what you’re thinking I stay to myself and I don’t cause problems, but you are wrong.  The mere fact that you are alone and already are negative when you do speak and interact you tear people down sometimes by your mere presence. You are being tolerated not celebrated.  That is an issue you can’t blame others for.

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I would love to give  you a step by step but you know what you need to do you just won’t do it.  There is no middle ground.  It’s different when you are trying to do better and you fall and keep trying.  But there are so many set in their ways and have this take it or leave it personality.  Like really you are just that awful that change is beneath you?  Oh wait the rest of the world is supposed to deal with your bad attitude and ugly disposition.  You can’t smile and be positive?  Oh then the world should leave it.  You hurt any chances of real relationships being this way.  So if you want its going to have to be from a real place on the inside of you.  However to all of negative Nancies, ain’t nobody got time for you or your antics.

 

Action Do Something

So let me just say that I have about had all I can take but I know that is not true because as time goes especially in the next day or so the complaints are going to take off.  I am referring to the swearing-in of Donald Trump, which artists or celebrities will be in attendance and even those who aren’t.  This is about the family and friends that are about to go into social media war…. Do Something!

Yes I said it.  There.  There will be countless of those who will have just about every complaint in the world but that will be where it stops.  You don’t like one of your celebrities or artist who is performing or going, than have an action plan.  One of the best ways is to stop following them on social media.  It’s like the Kardashian affect, people say they hate them but they have over 1 million followers a piece.  Yes some folks just follow to get the tea to someone’s life but you aren’t getting how that makes you the person look. You are literally watching a person you wouldn’t even otherwise care for and you aren’t even benefitting from it.  That is a sad part of life.  We ALL have better things to do than to allow the cycle to continue.  Although the media sometimes controls the images that are out, you personally can control what you take in.  I followed Chrisette Michelle an artist that has agreed to attend and sing at Donald Trump inauguration celebration.  Now whether or not I agree with her reasons or not, I sat and watched all the comments made and thought to myself, we have the power to evoke change.  The best way is in the pockets of any artist, socialite, etc.  They thrive on media interaction, and financial backings of their product.  It doesn’t just apply to this now political storm that has been brewing for quite some time now either.  This is a principle.

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If you have people in your own personal life that you don’t deal with don’t just block them on social media but block their access to your spirit and life.  I have done this and trust me the peace to just live and not worry about the foolishness is priceless. So before you go gangster social media arguing, just end it and cut you out of it.  I had a disagreement with a family member.  I found myself getting all upset and going back and forth via social media than I thought, what is the point?   Just stop it now and deal with them on a personal level if you need to and move on.  Or not and just keep on pushing.  We give our energy to do many things and wonder why we are zapped out.  Even in your emails, you can unsubscribe correct?  Unsubscribe in real life.  There is no need to have things and people pulling on you to the point where you are up in arms.  Will Donald Trump being in office cause issues even for those who supported him?  I am sure it will. Learn to deal with what is for you and leave the rest.  If you are going to make a stand I say go for it but do it with more leg work and action and a lot less mouth.  We need a world of doers and not just good ideas alone. Protect your spirit and especially if you are a parent or help in the parenting of your children.

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National Let it GO Day!

Well I am the master or at least the one who knows the national list of days.  Today is no different.  Today is national let it go day.  What a great day to let things go.  If you can read this blog today, than you are on the good side of life regardless of what your situations, relationships, situationships, etc. say.

You are in the right place at the right time.  I know that seems a little scary when you have your eyes on the things around you.  Letting go is hard.  I will not kid you.  It is allowing a charge that is usually rightfully placed and letting it go.  Now in letting it go it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bother you.  It means you are simply taking the sting away from your heart and mind.  You are not allowing the person or thing to drive you one way or another. Letting it go has many stages.  Sometimes you are mad as hell, and sometimes you cry. Sometimes you are sad, and often times want to scream or even hit something or someone.  Let’s be real.  Folks want to paint letting it go like its all flowers and roses and it’s not.  We ALL have been in situations where we have opened ourselves to something or someone and have been hurt, disappointed or even broken.  We vow never to allow it again but guess what hurt comes in waves and in many forms.

As you protect yourself from pain understand that it’s a necessary part of life.  One thing I need to say is this, in letting go you need to get it out.  Often we want to be tough cookies and are walking around cess pools of emotions because we don’t release it.  You have to get it out.  How you get it out is not by self medicating.  You need to talk about it, be honest about how what happened and how it made you feel, and then replace it with better things.  I’ve had to release some relationships that didn’t serve anymore but when I see those same people nothing moves on the inside of me.  It’s like seeing an ex and they are just a person.  You remember the good and the bad but it doesn’t make it uneasy to be around them because the sting of what they did, said or how they treated you has been released.  You can’t continue to hold onto bitter things.  It won’t yield anything positive in your life.

Any relationship that you cut off will come with peace especially if it’s for the right reasons.  When others feel like they are still stinging you, they will continue in the same pattern.  You can break it with your responses to them.  Some adults ain’t nothing but oversize kids.  Your age and stage in life doesn’t bring maturity.  Maturity is in your growth and how open to change you are.  I know 50 plus women and men still acting childish, still causing confusion like high school girls and guys, still sleeping around from bed to bed, and still ain’t got life figured out.  You have to see past people’s tactics.

Letting it go doesn’t benefit the other party.  It’s cleanses you.  It makes you whole.  It gives you peace.  Do you know of the many people who are dead and in shallow graves still got hold on folks that are alive today?  You still mad at someone from 20 years ago, how does that serve you?  How does that anger help make you better?  Don’t wonder why you still stuck in the same circle.  You know why.  It’s called not letting go.  It’s called un-forgiveness.

Let me end this nugget on forgiveness.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to entertain people or take the relationship back to the same place before the offense.  Some people think that if you don’t break bread with them or hang out with them, call them etc. you don’t forgive.  Your attendance to my life doesn’t mean anything.  People need that to feel like things are okay.  If you have said what needed to be said and you and another person have made peace but don’t interact it is well.  People can’t expect to do wrong and get a front seat in the arena of your life.  No you can love folks from afar.  That means you do not wish them negativity.  I refuse to allow folks a continued seat in my life knowing they are Judas.  Judas in Jesus day was necessary for us to know that if we had someone betray us we could handle it.  However the other lesson is that once Judas is found out in your life its okay to wish Judas well from the other side of the tracks but not invite Judas over for coffee.  You don’t have to mend relationships back to where they are made.

Another example, if you drop a cup but put it back together with glue, it works but it will never look like the orignal cup before the fall.  It may still be useful in allowing one to drink from it, but it won’t have the same value as it did.  Some relationships are like broken cups.  They are useful to an extent but the value of the relationship may not be the same.  You can move on, close doors, and leave peace with others.  Leaving them with peace is a lot better than leaving them in pieces.  I know I have moments where the latter was definitely an option or at least that’s how I felt in the moment.

Since we all have been hurt let me give you some reminders.  We all have been on both sides of hurt.  We have been the ones that have been hurt as well as hurt others.  Let’s remember a few things:

  1. Remember your words are life and death literally. You can speak things on and into folks that literally can change them for the better or spiral them into an out of control state. Be careful of what you say.
  2. If you are the offender, be honest about what you said or did.  For example, don’t do half apologies when you are wrong. Accept what you did and make it right.
  3. Stop trying to force relationships.  People can be seasonal and its okay.
  4. Family is not a reason to accept disrespect.  I get Ask Toi questions all the time the title that someone has is not an open invitation for foolishness.  You can respect someone’s title/place from a far.
  5. Walk in your age.  If you want respected for your age such as an elder, act like one. Yes I took it there but its true.  There are a slew of young folks that have been hurt by elders.  As a mom even with my own little people I apologize quickly. I know how it feels to be hurt by elders.  Age means nothing when you hurt others.  You just show you are an old fool.  You can do anything with tact and understanding and when you have been in situations where you have shown less than that make it right.  My great grandmother who passed away recently was 95 years young.  We gave her respect not just because she was an elder but she actually treated people well.  Others want the same but they lack tact in how they treat others.  No one will rise up and call you blessed just because.  You have to give respect in order to receive it and that’s across the board.

If there is an area you could use some help in letting go.  Work on it.  Talk to someone who can rightfully divide truth to you.  I have been in things where I was right in what I said but wrong in how it was delivered.  Be willing to take what someone said even if its said in anger and align yourself to be better.  Just cause someone called you something you didn’t like if it was true, say ouch and make it right.  Then you can deal with the delivery of the other person.  Life is shorter and shorter these days.  You need to let it go even if you have no desire to continue relationships like you once did.  You have that right to leave them with peace and move on.

Oh final piece, when you forgive remember you will hear others bring you stories and things that were said. I got a call just last week on someone from a source I barely speak to. Isn’t that how it works?  You been minding your business than bam, someone say, girl you know what so and so said about you?  My response was simple.  I said well thanks I’m sure there will be more lies before its all over.  I could have defended myself, but who was I proving myself to?  To the one who spoke ill of me, they won’t care they started the lies. Surely me saying, I didnt, it wasn’t me, wasn’t going to make me and the person come together and ride off into the sunset of love.  I knew not to even entertain it because the same person that brought it to me will take something back and at 35 who has time for the back and forth?  I don’t, too much live to life.  Let it go!

 

We got to speak up about the boys club!

So if you follow me on Facebook you know that I recently read an article published by Essence.com regarding Jamal Bryant who is a pastor in Baltimore, Maryland.  He was married at one point and cheated on his wife and as a result of the cheating fathered children outside of his marriage. His wife left him and he almost lost his church.  He made every declaration that he was a changed man.  Then flash forward to now where he is in the midst of yet another scandal where although not married he has fathered another child.  So….where do I begin?

I am fully aware of God’s grace and even though God can do a quick work still on Mr. Bryant the truth of the matter is that I think we more accountability in the house of God.  I know this conversation is going to go left fast.  I have received so much backlash that I decided to write about it today.  I have grown up in the church my whole life.  Being the case, at the end of the day being a Preachers Kid I will not sugar coat where Jamal is right now.  Had this been a woman pastor and she cheated on her husband and had a baby the conversation would have been over.  She would have been sat down, put out the church, and that would have been the end.  Well not in the boys club.  In the boys club men are allowed to not step down from position and continue in the same behavior after everything dies down.  Wow so a man can use the member between his leg to defile his marriage, disrespect God and his call, and continue to use that same member between his legs like nothing happened?  That’s good stuff right there.

The boys club has no place in the world let alone the church.  So we are okay with the man of God who is full of lust to speak over our souls day in and day out.  This same man of God is allowed to tell us where we are wrong and need to get it together or else, right?  Wrong. What I am saying is simple.  Sit him down.  He needs to get in control his desire to have sex.  Let’s keep this real and I mean all the way real, he cheated on his wife and now is fathering a baby out-of-wedlock and he ain’t get that nor the rest of the kids simply by reading the Bible.  No, he got that from having sex to whomever would allow it.  So if he likes sex that’s fine but his desire don’t line up with what the good book says so he needs to either line up with the good book or sit down and wait until he does.  Oh and you know he ain’t lay down with the new baby’s mother one time, that means he was having sex with her and anyonelse but just got caught.  You up to speed now.  That’s how it works. Okay, lesson over.

Bishop Eddie Long is another mega church pastor who used his money and influence on boys and is accused of having sex with them.  We already know from the mere fact that Jamal Bryant is still in position that Long is too.  Who woulda thunk it?  So he’s allowed to be out here doing his thing.  Now it hasn’t come out if he still bending over little boys but end of story there was no accountability.  I’m overly exhausted by this. I just had a friend online get “dragged” for wearing a bathing suit to the beach.  Yes you read that correctly the beach but the same men who came for her were married men with kids who you guessed it are pastors.  Another tidbit openly they drug her for not being saintly but was in her inbox sliding her their number.  You get the point.  We need to stop.  I’m so tired of men getting away with this mess.  Like I said on Facebook it’s not all pastors and its not all men before my male crowd go left.  But if you as a man high-five your boys, sons, cousins etc. for getting it with a woman but want to lock up your precious little girls you are apart of the problem.  You are teaching a double standard. The same men you tell your daughters to avoid you mass produce these same men for them.  Yup the boys club isn’t all chummy when your daughter is crying on your shoulders and you want to get shotguns to handle it. It’s only okay as you sit and slide in in-boxes and emails of women that aren’t your wives for that quick gratification.  It’s only good when you find yourself with a young woman in your bed when you should have been home putting your kids to sleep.  Or wait the boys club is only good when you take on someone else’s kids but you leave yours at home with their mother.  I’ll wait.  Before you get all self righteous you should talk to your daughters but talk to these boys not slide them a condom and tell them the whole world is theirs to conquer.

Sex is good don’t get it twisted but its supposed to be in the right context.  I’m not going to be all holier than thou when 2 of my 3 kids were conceived out-of-wedlock but I also don’t go around telling young mothers that they are worthless or call them hoes like so many of even women who forget their hoe miles don’t have an expiration.  So let’s be clear never throw stones out of a glass house.  The boys club needs to end.  We need to hold all of us on the same lines.  No separate rules for men and then we want to spiritually lock the women up.  Nope.  Any and all pastors male or female who thinks that this backward way of thinking is okay be bold, drop the name of your church so we can all know where not to go. All I am asking is to keep it on the same lines and make these men sit down with the women not the women sit while they have to listen to the same male pastor preach knowing right well at the end of the sermon he going over to sister Watermelon’s for some “fellowship” later.