Sunday Message: “What She Said”

So today is turning out not quite how I had in mind. I’ve finally ate breakfast yet it’s clearly late lunch time right now. I woke up with the worst headache. I haven’t had a migraine like this in quite awhile. I’ve noticed my hormone levels have been all over the place. Thankfully I have my first “yearly”check up since hysterectomy surgery, tomorrow.

I was looking at my Facebook memories and a picture came up that was so innocent but made me do a little thinking. I started thinking about my past dating life and being single in general. Let me pump all of your breaks now I am not wishing or hoping for any old thing! I am not taking applications, my home life is super secure. But I thought about the woman I was. I would say I was strong and confident. I did what I felt like I wanted to a point.

I was talking to a friend and she asked me at any time while dating did I feel like I had regret. I told her the truth overall no of course. However individual situations many times. I definitely struggled with wondering what everyone was saying or thinking of me. I’ve only come to the knowledge now that folks will say whatever about you or even make up what they want so you have to just live.

I remember one time when I was visiting some friends in Atlanta a man I had been romantically connected to wanted to rekindle but I was so caught up in what those who were with me thought I declined. He told me I would go back home and be “wifed up” and he was almost right to the point. I’m not saying anything would have come from that encounter but there’s no way of counting that out. Again I’m not in a what could have happened mode but as my friend and I talked there were other missed opportunities that I missed aligning my life with the crowd.

I

I missed job opportunities too! I got a job offer in Omaha and didn’t take it because I was worried about leaving my family and feeling I would be isolated from friends. I wasn’t thinking about how much of a life I could have created. My dad was like girl get out and enjoy life. But nope I was like I’ll stay.

Listen, having people around is great. Creating a new life is scary. Taking a chance on love, can be nervous however don’t ever make a decision on the basis on what others would think. Whatever the “she” is speaking, saying, or thinking, it only affects them not you. I’ve missed on things because my inability to separate support from permission. I didn’t need permission but during that time I wasn’t able to distinguish the two and set boundaries.

Everyone is talking about “living their best lives.” I’m doing that now. I’ve wasted time and didn’t enjoy moments due to not being able to understand what that meant. I didn’t have the capacity to shut the naysayers out. I didn’t have the capacity to say regardless of what my entourage thinks, I’m making a decision on what I want.

Whatever the “she” may be whether a friend, a strong glare from a stranger, your church family, a boyfriend or even a potential dater, be sure to balance what they say to what you want and be able to live with yourself after the fact. Anything that may create a regret means don’t do it. I wouldn’t go back to that life now but I can learn and teach my girls and my son not to let other whispers stop you. You can’t live your best life under the guidance of hoping for acceptance from everyone around you! You may not get it. You better be sure you can accept you. You are okay with the outcomes. You are okay with walking away! What “she says” means nothing if it doesn’t align to what you say or what you want! Remember support isn’t permission. Give yourself permission to be happy! Define what that means to you!

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My Reactions to Jennifer Lewis’ Breakfast Club Interview

So I watched the interview with Jenifer Lewis and it had my full attention for over an hour. Let me forewarn a few that she is who she is. If you have ever seen her or listened to her then you know she talks the way she wants to. She serves it with no sugar and her mouth slips when she wants it to. Some may find it offensive, I didn’t. I felt like the tone of her voice was real and it made her points even more valid. I will post the link so you can view it for yourself but I wanted to touch on the parts that spoke out to me. Again I shouldn’t have to say but I will that these are my views on what I received from her interview:

30 Summers Left

She speaks about time being short and how with that short time she doesn’t allow folks with negativity to dominate her space. I love that. I think it’s easy as she has done the work to be in that place AND she has gotten to that age where she can say and do as she pleases. She makes note that she’s saved her money so she really isn’t worried about someone coming for her. What a place to be in?! I was like well say that! How many of us can say the same?

It’s like watching that smart mouth Aunt say whatever the Hell she wants and everyone got something to say to her but you got cash money on her cause you know not one person gonna try her. That’s what I felt. Now while I watched I wrote my points down in a notebook. I carry one on me at all times and she mentions having a journal to write down your feelings. She also talks doing this practice of writing things down since the 7th grade and how that is how the book she wrote came to be. I have it and will spend some time over the weekend diving in.

So what will you be doing with however many summers you have?! Will you be using that energy giving to folks who don’t need it? How about wasting your time on things that at the end of the day aren’t necessary? Wasting your time talking about the same folks and what they have or don’t have or where they are going?! Evaluate a few things, use your time better. Folks tired of hearing it. Speak about a few things that matter!! Move on!

Mental Illness

What’s I liked was her candid conversation about mental illness. She has said she is bipolar and suffers with depression. It is uncommon for anyone is show business to tell their business when it comes to this disease. People don’t want to admit it in fear that others will not book them for being in their truth. I like it because I stand with others in that mental illness is something that we need to stop making taboo and actually deal with it. She talked about how she was being perceived and how she handles it. She is not ashamed as she tells it. She calls out a few including Kanye West that she feels is suffering as well. Taking care of yourself is important and being honest where you are is even more important. You know something is wrong deal with it.

Multiple Friends

The notion we tell ourselves that we don’t need friends or we only need one friend has to stop. Not one person has what you need. Stop this island life. You need others around you. You are the issue as to why you can’t exist with others. Change it!

Beating your Kids

Now this is a subject that will ruffle feathers. Let me explain why! It’s not just because of the argument of violence towards kids and how that affects them. I think it has more to do with doing things “just because that’s how you were taught” is more of the discussion. She advocates for parents to stop doing it all together and spend some time disciplining them and talking to them. She talks about even in her age she still has scars on her from being beat as a child. Any beating or popping that is done to a child that leaves a mark is abuse. So have your thoughts or do what’s best but be open to that discussion when listening to her points.

Millennial

She stated she wrote the book for millennials and I can definitely see that. Too many times this new way of thinking which is fine on certain points wants to discredit things that have shaped the world as it is today. As she goes through this book tour she is also making sure she reminds people of where they come from and to respect those who came before them. This message here is necessary especially in regards to the many young people who are losing their lives daily and accountability seems to take a back seat.

So I’m enclosing the link so you can view and come to your own conclusion. However I think it’s a great watch for all. She keeps everyone laughing even through tough dialogue about rape, sex addiction and even sexual abuse. Please give it a look or watch!!

Jennifer Lewis the No Chaser Edition

Weekly Recap: May 17, 2018

So it’s been a minute since I’ve done a recap. The last one was April 6, 2018. Time flies when you’re having fun! There has been quite a few updates since the beginning of April. So here we go:

Personal Vibes

So since the last time I’ve started a new job! What?! Yes it legit fell into my lap and was an opportunity of a lifetime and I had to leap. Was I scared? Absolutely. I like feeling secure and there’s nothing secure about starting over trust me! However the move is a great one for me professionally and for my family. So I’ve been trying to adjust to the new blessing. I’m still not there yet but I’m getting there. I need to fit in more workouts and get that life/work balance together but I’m confident I will get there!

Also thanks to everyone for the birthday love. The gifts were great and my family was even better! I can’t complain those who showed love definitely put a lot of thought into it! Thank you for all the love!

Thanks to my husband for my gluten-free cake and dairy free ice cream request. Don’t worry the kids had regular cupcakes and what I ate healthy on dessert I made up for it in a few birthday drinks!

The great thing about my birthday is that it’s around Mother’s Day and my day was low-key but let me tell you regardless of how that nap I had, it was everything that I could have needed and didn’t know!

I finished the Broad Street Run in under 2 hours look at God!! Yes I trained and definitely did that! I’m still in awe. However I haven’t done another run since then but plan on hitting the pavement on Sunday with my girls! I had to let my body recover and get aligned! I did suffer an ankle injury, a minor one and my knees have felt tried but I’ve been doing all that I need to do to keep my body together!

Blog Goals

So we are about to hit the Summer months. So I will be blogging all of the fun. I usually have zero issues being social in the Summer. I look forward to meeting up with friends, celebrating life, and having the best family time! The way the Storrs move in the Summer is amazing oh and in case you’re wondering we do it on the cheap. I love that Philadelphia is rich in activities so you definitely won’t see us bored! Plus with a Pinterest mom you can best believe I’ve got the rainy days on lock!

So make sure you’re following and keeping up! I will be on the move!!

Monday: Restore

It’s another Monday upon us. Depending on how your weekend went makes a difference in what you see going into a new week! Sometimes when you have a bad weekend and you don’t reset, it makes you speak badly about your new week!

Do not allow the frustration from your weekend make you talk badly about this or any other Monday. Mondays are what you make of it. You can take control of any bad day and turn it around. Get determined to do what needs to be done. Set yourself up for success!

Change what needs to be changed by being active. This means if you dislike your job, be active in looking and applying. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes that is a full time job searching for a new one. However the benefits will be worth it. If you don’t like where you are living and money is tight, seek for what you can do to change it. Look at your spending habits. What can you change?! Where can you cut? Do you have a hobby you can use to make money from? What about selling a few things you don’t need? All of it will take participation from your part to change where you are!

Take courage today to make today that much better. You got this! Good morning Monday!!

Ask Toi: Was I Wrong for calling my husband a child?!

Yes.

For my readers women all over call their husband an “extra child.” However that shouldn’t be a serious conversation and not in front of other people. This wife made a scene at a restaurant and then called him a child causing the entire restaurant to stop. This is a very black and white situation where anything that is said that demeans your mate, should not be done period. You don’t get to justify that bad behavior and it works both ways.

It doesn’t matter that you as a wife feel its not a big deal. It’s a big deal because it was said and it was embarrassing. A Husband being an additional child is really the fault of the wife. It could be you married a man who is co-dependent or you take on everything and then get mad when you are too overwhelmed and have him spoiled. Trust me I had to learn to work with my own husband not berate him. So I’m telling you from experience how detrimental it is in how you speak to, and how you handle each other with care and respect.

Either way you have to admit that outburst was completely uncalled for and speaks to you needing to have a conversation about the reality of what you need in your life from him. You can’t just have outbursts in public or private and not deal with the actual issue. If you don’t know what it is then spend sometime with yourself. You however have no right to use your issues as reasons to come at your husband and if he’s done this to you, will do this to you, etc he would be just as wrong. That’s for the ones who like to point the finger out instead of in when a situation goes down.

The respect in your relationship is gone to be flat out honest with you and it needs some repair. I might even suggest that you may need to work on your issues before suggesting that you both to go to counseling. He may be more adapt to receiving if he sees some change in you! It’s going to take some time before the embarrassment wears off he won’t forget it even if he forgives you. Be careful with your words even in the heat of the moment.

Good luck!!

Monday Motivation: Count you blessings

Today is April 30th. That means that the end of the month is here and we are about to step into a new month.

Often times we judge ourselves on what others have done in comparison to what we have done. Learn to count your blessings! Invest in what you need and want to do!

I’ll start off the list and you feel empowered to write down the things you did this month that was a blessing to you or towards someone else. When you have it done be grateful for the opportunities. We haven’t arrived so you can once you’re done make a new list of things you want to do for May!!

April blessings:

  1. Celebrated my dad’s bday
  2. Met my new Niece
  3. Celebrated my Grandma’s bday
  4. Celebrated my Aunt’s bday
  5. Celebrated my Sister in Law’s bday
  6. Survived my kids’ changing schedules
  7. Had an amazing dental check up
  8. Completed my sleep study
  9. Maintained my weight
  10. Went on a solo vacation
  11. Consistent with the blog
  12. Offered and accepted a new job
  13. Supported friends
  14. Kept financial goals
  15. Attended all social events while maintaining my anxiety
  16. Ran into an old friend
  17. Reached out to a few friends via phone calls
  18. Mailed letters to 2 friends
  19. Went on date nights
  20. Practiced self-care

Again the point is to highlight at the end of the month the blessings in what you have achieved without bringing what others are doing to compare. Will you find a few things that you still have yet to achieve? Absolutely! However once you get used to writing down what you have done you will use that good energy to set your next month up! Shine your own light! Be your own kind of blessing! Crush your goals!

Ask Toi: How do you survive the argumentative double date?!

So the back story is a reader is married and friends with another girl and her husband and they often go out on double dates except the dates have become uncomfortable due to the invited couple arguing and making a scene every where they go!

My advice is speak to the friend aka the wife. But before you speak to her go into the situation knowing that you will not change how that husband and wife interacts. You really shouldn’t want to. The second you go into that conversation with any other expectation you are setting yourself up for failure.

You being married already know that the second you attempt to explain that the arguing and fighting is wrong it at least wrong while on dates the wife will take offense. You don’t have to be around a bunch of yelling and drama just because it’s their right to be the type of couple they choose to be! I know some folks reading this is thinking maybe the friend will be receptive but the truth of the matter is that other friend knows her and her husband are doing the most and they don’t care. There’s no way you can be out with folks being loud, arguing, making a scene and it keeps happening and they just don’t get it?!

So you need to let her know that it’s uncomfortable and the next time they ask you to go out say no. If the wife asks you why just say you needed a break from the drama. This sends the clear message and gives you the power to make it about you and not them. They can be and interact any way they want but what they can’t do is expect you to be okay with it especially in public. Not only that who wants to be around that all the time outside of them?! If they love it then kudos to them but folks hate being out and attempting to be about fun and uplifting marital bliss and having to have all eyes on them cause one part of the party is doing the most. My thing and this is a little extra information to anyone who knows they are that argumentative couple, stay home. I get that things can pop off at any given time but at some point that has to get old. You will lose friends and other couples who want to be around you because you can’t shut it down for a few hours! If you have that much dysfunction go to counseling. Seriously!

You as the friend do need to speak up since it’s bothering you or you and your husband but friend or not you don’t have to subject yourself to that behavior double date or not. To be honest double dates are fun but telling your friend no can allow you and your own husband the ability to go out without being embarrassed or uncomfortable!