No Dads Allowed, If You Believe the BS!

So a few weeks ago I asked several followers who had kids under 10 to help me with today’s blog. I want to thank all of the women who responded. I needed women who were considered the main primary care giver to their children even with men, fathers, boyfriends, husbands, etc that are stand up men assisting.

So what I have found is that even with the most hands on men often times it is still being viewed as the “woman’s job.” Let’s que in today’s news story where a mom of 2 took her oldest child to his or her sporting event. While there she got a call from her boyfriend who was sitting with their 4 week old daughter. The boyfriend got frustrated with the baby and shook the baby. The baby was rushed to the hospital and after 2 days in the ICU, the baby passed away. Prayers go out to the family at this time!

In the comments sections was uploads of women who said the mom was responsible for allowing her 4 week old to be left with their dad. The mother was interviewed and didn’t have an idea that the child’s own father would cause harm. So my issue is two-fold. There are some men that shouldn’t be left with kids. However with my same thought process with it I feel a woman shouldn’t have a child with a man she doesn’t trust.  There are horrible people in general and becoming a parent won’t always change the evil in their heart if it’s there.A woman can be a primary care giver to her children. However in 2017 men are stepping up and out when it comes to being hands on with their kids.

No kids…What I wouldn’t do edition

So the part of child raising goes to mostly people who have no kids who make the comments of what they would allow or wouldn’t allow if and when they have kids. Their comments aren’t the issue as the delusion that they seem to have. I do believe that you can set up in your home where both mom and dad do for their kids. We have that in our home. It’s not on me to do it all. My husband willingly jumps into his role and does what is necessary. However the ones who have no children who say I wouldn’t allow my husband to not do…..

Listen, no one knows how things will pan out UNTIL you are in a situation. The things I even said I would or wouldn’t do or allow when I had kids has been tested.

He should just know….

The kids become the primary focus. If your husband is hands on but not as hands on enough will you allow your kids to go without to prove a point? I would hope not. Would you continue in an argumentative state and have the home filled with hate and yelling just because for example the man in the home won’t put a load of laundry in not because you asked but because he “should have just known” to do it but didn’t.  The “my husband or boyfriend would know better” is a lie. Explain to me how new parents who are new to the parent game can play mind games are supposed to also know what to do? Women who are supposed to have natural instincts to take care of kids need help and learn as they go. But not your knowing man he just knows. Raising kids take patience and is one of the biggest learning curves that a human will ever experience.

I can speak as a woman who is a mother and wife and say that often times even from most of the women who I interviewed is that women don’t speak up and say exactly what they need. No man is a mind reader. If you’re the main care giver does that mean that you can’t ask your mate or child’s father for specific help? No you can and you must.

The women who beat that mother up about the child’s father killing the baby are displaced. A man can be with their child. It is the actions of that horrible man who killed the child. Unless the women who were in the comment sections have PROOF that the mother had known he was a killer or had these tendencies to harm than it goes to show you how women are programmed to belief that men should only procreate leaving women alone to raise their kids. This is BS. Raising a family takes the same two people who laid down to make sure their needs are met. If one or both of them do something right or wrong it’s a team effort.

So how about we monitor who we first have kids with. Be the best parents we can be to our children. If you’re a mom who is drowning with children and you have their dad in their life, speak up. Ask specifically for what you need and ultimately about what your child needs.  Your child deserves to be raised by a mom who isn’t always super stressed. Sometimes by not asking puts you and your kids more at risk for more stressors. Ask the single mom with no help.  She is under pressure. A married mom or a mom with help that doesn’t ask, is acting under the same guise.

Being a mom is hard work. I personally can go to work all day and come home and think man work was a piece of work in comparison.  Then even as a stay at home mom which I did for 3 years, no job combined was more than being a mom.

Ladies with men helping allow these men to help. Ask for what you need and the bigger issue is do not nit pick how it was done. Our men won’t have the same instinct or know how like we may have but if you want to foster a give and take relationship than ask for what you need. You aren’t less than a mom to do so. It wasn’t meant to be your shoulders alone. Women can raise these babies by themselves but a good man won’t allow you to. However they also don’t want to be killed by your rolled eyes, deep sighs, and berating either.

Mommy wars…mind your uterus

Ladies single or not if you’re a mom stop these mommy wars. We are all trying to figure it out. When you hear a woman who makes claims that you have already tested and no won’t work just smile, you know when their time comes that life will hit the most organized, well put together woman and child-birth is the testing grounds should they WANT to do so. Also for my moms stop asking women with no kids when and if they are going to have a baby. Some women don’t want any. Guess what?! They don’t have to either.

Let’s mind our own uterus and get our men to help us more. Ask for help. Don’t do it all and still look for help where you won’t allow that man to help by simply asking and letting him do it.

Lastly to the men, it’s simply not enough to have your presence in the home. You work and your wife or girlfriend did too whether in the home or not. If you see toys that needs picked up. Do it. If you see your lady needs help you can ask or do a few things to assist her. You can send her for some time alone while you help with the kids you both made. The little things add up!

However raising kids should be a joint ever when it can be and if you are a man you have the same need to be hands on not just a financer for your children. Kids need to be supported and it’s not just a woman’s job it’s the parents job to raise them!!

Ask Toi: How do I tell my mom that she can’t smoke in my house when she visits?

You just have to take a deep breath and tell her. You don’t ever have to be disrespectful in telling her. The flip is that you don’t have to feel that by telling her means you are being disrespectful towards her.

Often times parents establish respect from the gate as they should. However when you become an adult you sometimes you go back to the child like mindset in thinking that speaking up means disrespect. It’s not true. Your house your rules. You have to know that in telling your mom she either has to accept that rule and still visit, she can get a hotel of her own and still visit or she can choose not to visit at all. 

My hopes is she will visit regardless if she stays. I know plenty of others who have that as a rule and most times it’s understood. Smoking is a personal choice. Just because she’s your mom doesn’t mean her personal choice has to go over your rules. You’re an adult and being an adult means you have to be able to handle difficult situations. I know plenty of parents who taught that if you live in their house you play by their rules well the time has come to flip it to your mom honoring your rules in your home. And no it can’t be on the notion that her visit is only temporary so you can enforce the rules once she leaves. Even if a person who smokes outside will still bring the smell of smoke inside of the home. For a non smoker that smell can be too much. I know for me there is no smoking in our home nor around my kids.

I respect all who choose to smoke I just won’t even allow it around me and mine. Your mom is adult she can handle not smoking in your home. You just need to realize that you need to speak up without feeling like she is going to disown you for it. If she does it really reveals bigger issues that I’m sure you have been dealing with all along. 
Good luck!

Silent Treatments is Abuse 

I got a letter or email I should say from a reader who is experiencing this. Holidays are great but the holidays regardless of what it is for brings out the worst in others. My prayer to my reader as I’m turning your question into a full blog is for you to get the strength to know that silent treatments of any kind is a form of abuse. That you know that the silent treatment should never be okay in a relationship of any kind…

Silent treatment will work if you want to break a person down. What will you do once you have them broken? Reprogram them to fit your miserable mold?! Than what happens when they figure out you ain’t worth the dirt they walk on? Your hold won’t last forever. 

There is a unique difference in taking a cool down period when dealing with others. Sometimes as a parent you have to take a cool down so that when you attempt to actively deal with a child you are doing it in the correct spirit. Sometimes in relationships you have to take a cool down to allow you effectively communicate. However the art of ignoring a person to break them is a form of abuse. I literally do not care in how it is being done there is never good will when using the silent treatment. Oh and by the way it doesn’t matter if a man or woman does it. It goes both ways! 

If you want to break a person to see just how loyal they can be it works. A person who is being silenced will go above and beyond to get you to talk to them. It’s a way of feeling this sense of love from a person. You plead with the aggressor and want them to talk to you only to fall on death ears. The aggressor knows you want their attention.  They play this scenario until you are about ready to cry because it’s a point of control. So you plead some more. Finally the silent treatment is broken temporarily until the next time. You feel better so you walk on egg shells in hopes not to upset the aggressor again. This is a cycle that can only be broken by You who is being treated this way.

News flash adults are not kids. Even kids should never be treated this way. But if two consenting adults have to be treated like kids the relationship can last 20 years but it won’t be a happy relationship. Your mate isn’t your child no matter how childish they make act. It’s a pet peeve of mine to hear couples talk to their mate like kids, tell others their mate is a child, or to berate them in public or private. You don’t own another person. People aren’t puppets. 

Some parents pull these stunts too and it works. However I’ve never known for it to have long lasting effects of positivity. You aren’t teaching the child to comply to gain your love or do to what you say. You are simply at the point of inflicting a silent pain that is almost effective as hitting them. The sad part and the statistics don’t lie it’s just as equal. So you think you are handing the child well? You case the child out. Go out of your way to be in that child’s presence just so you can ignore them. You win but really you lose. You have just made this child reach down into themselves to figure things out without you. Sounds like good parenting skills until that child realizes you are a negative point of contact.

Eventually for the stronger child they are able to recover. They turn off emotions to the aggressor and sometimes go towards others in a romantic relationship who employ this same sense of “love.” We teach our kids now a days that love doesn’t hurt.  We push this to make sure the child doesn’t get into an abusive relationship but we fail to remember that emotional abuse is just as bad if not worst.  So what happens to your precious little girl goes for the man who uses these same tactics and has your little girl doing the most just to see if that man loves her? Yes she’s not being beaten but she is being emotionally abused and under the man she ran to who gave her the same love you did.  

Silent treatment in any relationship is bad news. It needs to stop. It’s abuse. You are attempting to break a person.  A broken person is no good to you or to themselves. This is why people gravitate from this form of emotional abuse to physical because the lines are almost blurred to be the same. We say why would a woman or man allow someone to control them? The mind is a very powerful gift and sometimes a curse. To break them inwardly is to control how a person thinks and therefore it’s the first part of how an aggressor works. This is why so many say the man or woman they were with didn’t appear to be bad news. They wine and dine and say the right things until they start to employ these tactics. 

If you are in a relationship and are of age get far away from this type of personality. Most times this is the type of person who can’t be satisfied. Nothing won’t be okay because they themselves have either been broken or lack the ability to go after what they want without tearing down others along the way.  There is no reason to ask another adult a question more than twice and for them to look you in your eyes or you know right well they aren’t deaf for them to ignore you until they feel like you are worthy of an answer. Or until they feel like gracing you with an answer or dealing with you. If you are giving them the vibe of not wanting to be bothered more than they like to be around you, get out. Why stay? What is going to change? Oh yeah you will say or do what they want and then be good enough to be around? You know the answer is you will NEVER be enough, do enough, or act accordingly. 

Get out! Get a plan to be out but get out!! 

Surgery update 2.0

So thank you to all who tuned into my first update. I have read your messages and trust me I can feel the love and support. It’s love and support that gets most surgery patients of any kind through.

Since my first update I have gone back to the doctor. He has found a few things. One they did the pathology and concluded there was no cancer. Can we say amen?! However what he did discover is that one I had a few fibroids that I wasn’t aware and never showed up on any ultrasound I have ever had. Another issue is that my uterus would hemorrhage every time I would have my cycle. So when I would have a period I would bleed out and internally as well.  So that would explain why I was having blood issues and couldn’t figure out after I had done all the lifestyle changes it was still messed up.

These are issues that my Obgyn before him didn’t push and I being my own advocate didn’t until 2017 and I was determined to end all of these issues. So to my ladies or to the men who have special women in your lives push them to take their feminine health very seriously. This could be the wake up call. If something doesn’t add up as it didn’t when I changed, I refused to leave until we figured it out. That is how we came to my personal and medical choice to have a hysterectomy. I’m not saying run out and get it done but for someone who was in my health crisis and already had her tubes tied this is what was best for me.

So he of course encouraged me to work out. I have no problem with that except it ain’t going down until I am no longer in pain to the touch. I am not doing the most during this healing time. He has encouraged me to walk 3 times a week for 30 minutes and that’s more doable than straight workouts. I am still managing pain. So one goal at a time.

He has me on hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  For me the choice was in the form of a patch. I absolutely hate taking pills. Plus with the patch it’s the lowest dose possible.  I like the idea of that. The second I put it on I could feel the medicine. Not like some time warp machine type of feel but like a slight rush of medicine.  My hopes is that it will stop my hot flashes and night sweats.


The pain has become more manageable in the last few days. I have switched over to full Motrin.  I am more comfortable with that as I do not like the way that Percocet makes me feel.  I am hoping to have less pain and begin to get back to my normal life. In the meantime I am enjoying my husband and kids make sure I am good. It’s almost like when I was pregnant except without the lifetime responsibility of a child in the end.

I have driven since my doctor has allowed me to. It’s not something I want or will just do to do. I’m talking about a few minutes from the house type of driving.  Again my pain levels need to be better before I drive off into the sunset.

A few more things I am noticing:

1. I was about to schedule a pap when I thought wait, I don’t need to come back to see my doctor for a year. This will take getting used to because my yearly appointments are usually made in July.

2. Mood swings are less right now.  I don’t feel that rush of emotions that takes place as my cycle would be normally about to start. Ladies you know right well what I mean.  I did cry when I dropped my frozen coffee but I think I would have done the same without the surgery. If you have had one from Dunkin you know how amazing they are. No I’m not cheating on Starbucks but there isn’t a close one around me like it was near my job.

3. I have a lot of sanitary pads that I will be giving away to family. I don’t need them and no need to have a bunch not being used.

4. During this process my kids haven’t been able to be super close to me. The one affected the most is my 3 -year-old is struggling with the most. She is used to snuggling every night. She has asked me when this is over? If you remember in my birth story of my 3 year old, my son who was barely 2 at the time jumped on my belly when I had her. This was after my c-section. I was in the hospital and the now 3 year old was with her dad until I recovered. Once home she wouldn’t go to anyone including her dad. She is super close to me especially at night but to avoid another internal bleed we kept the kids at bay.

5. It’s much harder to parent from the bed or from the chair.  I am used to doing it all and working full-time. However my husband has had to step up. So now I can’t say a thing about what he is doing even though I want to. Right now my vote isn’t a veto but it is more silent.

6. Sleep. I haven’t slept this much in a long time. My mom told me sleep was the best way to heal. I get up and get cleaned up and walk around but other than that I have yet to be up a full day. Sleep is my new bestie. I am getting okay with that.


7. Phone calls-they have been limited to my family. I have texted more to my close friends. The reason is I’m not used to having free time to talk. Before all of this I wasn’t one to be on the line outside of my husband and mom.  Now I have time to be and everyone is doing their normal things and I’m okay with the lack of calls.

8. Hair I haven’t seen hair falling out and I pray I don’t. I have researched that some people’s hair thins out. If it should happen I’ll update but now it’s still curly and thick as it was when I went to have my surgery.

9. Stomach-ladies if you ever had a baby and remember leaving with that bulging baby belly that irritates you that is what I am working with. Again with several cuts on my upper belly, and all the work below that it is still tender and very bloated.  So ice packs and warm compresses have been helping.  So loose clothing works. Since I lost weight it’s been shorts and a t-shirt type of life.  I’m not going places. Other than that I use my night-gown shirts that my girlfriend sent me. No need to have anything touching me if I don’t have to.


10. I have lost about 5 pounds even with my extended swollen belly. So yay for that. The one thing my husband said the day after surgery is that I looked skinnier and my doctor said the same thing when I saw him the other day. So win for me!

Let me continue to give a shout out to my husband for all he’s done. For all of the food runs and hand holding. Listen I have wanted to do more and he’s given me the side eye like you better lay there and no get up for stuff you don’t need. So I don’t. I’m grateful that he has gotten me just about whatever I have wanted and has ignored me when I say I don’t need medicine.

The recovery time for this surgery is 2-8 weeks. So I will see how long it takes me. Every woman is different and how their bodies reacts is different. However for basic recovery that is the standard and it’s really around 6-8 weeks to be honest. The same as when you have a child. And to be totally healed like when you have kids can take more around a year to really know where you are.  We tend to rush back to life and most like me, work is calling and life doesn’t just sit and deactivate just because you have had surgery.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I have gotten from women from different walks of life who have been through this is that you will immediately feel better but take the time to heal. Feeling better and being better takes time.

Ask Toi: What should I do if someone from my past or new love interest knocks and I’m already connected?!

If you’re already connected and the interested person doesn’t know you need to tell them. If they know but still pushing up than know they just like the chase and want to see if you will take the bait.

As an adult it’s your choice who you are with period. This means even if you just want a one night or one time physical relationship as an adult it’s up to you. Not everyone wants a commitment but be true to yourself. Don’t say you don’t want a commitment in hopes that you can later change a person’s mind. 

If you are already connected either by dating or marriage than you know that the answer is a no for now. With that being said it’s best to thank the person for the interest and move along. In a dating situation boundaries need to be made. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t have anything to entertain another person.  If you’re married the boundary was made on your wedding day and you end it. 

The past is the past. It can be a beautiful reminder of what was but it takes a lot to dig the past up, revive it and make it work. Ask anyone including me how much work it takes to date someone from your past.  It’s not super easy.  It’s never a good idea to open the door to a past or new interest because if you do it says more about you than the person knocking. People don’t realize that a person who will cheat or entertain someone else but expect loyalty from the person they were originally connected to shows they have NO loyalty at all. You want what you can’t or won’t give. This goes for men and women. So if you’re connected say thanks, nice talking to you, and seal the door of communication. 

Let me guess you can handle it right? Wrong. You start catching up. Then you exchange emails at first, then phone numbers, than social media and now you can’t get this person off your mind.  You absolutely not giving the person you were connected to any of your valuable time because your sharing space with someone else. Now if your just dating and no commitment with anyone than that’s your right. However don’t mess over another individual while taking space with another while connected or committed to a person. You might lose on both relationships. 

Ask Toi: I recently overheard a song that I used to share with an ex, my current boyfriend thinks I should stop singing it, what should I do?

Nothing.  It’s a song.  There is nothing that your current boyfriend can do with the fact that you have a memory with an ex.  It’s life.  We all have them.  I have them.  The point is to see it as a memory only and keep moving.  As long as you aren’t throwing the song or any memory in his face, he will be okay.  He may just be upset because he feels that another man has shared something he hasn’t.  My thing is that is the way dating works. You will never really share everything with one person.  There is space although small that we all bring in from someone else.  It’s no different from a cologne or perfume smell.  It’s all a memory.  It reminds me of the song by Jill Scott, “Cross my mind.”  In the song she talks about a memory in the form of her ex’s cologne and she attempted to have the next one smell like the last but it stunk.  Everything isn’t for everybody.  It really isn’t. Your boyfriend has memories of other women he just happened to know about one of yours and it stung him a bit.  He will be fine.  Let him know that there is nothing to be worried about and let that be that.

To the part where you should stop singing unless you have a mic or a made up mic and are literally in his face with it, he will deal.  Songs come on.  I know of one of my husbands songs for his ex and I just mention it and move on.  I have songs for my exs and it is what it is.  I don’t sing it like I am attempting to make American Idol but its a memory good or bad and it fades.

Ask Toi: My husband cheated and now wants to go to counseling after months of asking. I don’t want to go now because I feel like it’s after the point. I also don’t want to sit and hear about how sorry he is now when I don’t believe him….

Well first of all let me say how sorry I am that you have been put in this situation.  First of all let me acknowledge that how you feel is real and honest.  I am quite sure that was your rated G version that you expressed.  Cheating is horrible.  It hurt.  It cuts.  The wound that cheating brings is not easily fixable.  My thing is for you is not just not simply not go. I would go ONLY if you really want to.  You may not want to hear the sordid details of what happened.  That may be just how you feel now.  Cheating can and will give you so many emotions at one time and then those emotions will be ever-changing.

I would go just to see what he wants to put on the table.  Him not going before now and now wanting to go means that he believes this will save your marriage.  If you have a good counselor they will let you both know that simply showing up for the sessions will not fix your marriage.  Counseling doesn’t erase pain.  It actually takes the band-aid of your relationship off and makes you look at it.  You can after you do that decide that cheating is a deal breaker.  You may decide that you don’t want your husband back.  Cheating changes the person who does it but also the one holding the emotional bags afterwards.  That’s why usually the one who cheated wants you to hurry up and process this and move on.  It’s easier to say you want to be done with it after you create it.  I will tell you one thing if you can’t get over it and after time has gone by and you still feel the need to bring it up due to real unforgiveness you have to do what you have to do.  We tell women to forgive.  We tell them that they should deal but reality is that NO ONE deserves to be cheated on.  To men it’s simply an act, to women it’s an act of betrayal.  There are relationships that claim they forgive but bring it up all the time because they think they are in the right to do so because they are hurt.  You can forgive and love still and still want to be out of that type of disrespectful relationship.

I can’t say I know his why.  He knows his why and maybe he finds a way to communicate that to you.  I would say what you feel is real.  It’s like having to watch him pour out his heart NOW but didn’t want to do a lot of communicating that could have saved this pain from your life before it began.  It feels as if you are being punished.  Relationships are hard but the one thing you did when you say you are marrying another person is to find a way to be an adult and communicate and if you can’t stay married for the right reasons, speak up to those sentiments.  One thing I can tell you is that counseling can help you heal even if that means healing together is not going to take place.  I pray for your healing.  I pray that you and your husband can get to a better place together even if you don’t end up together. This journey is yours as much as it is his.  Feel what you need to, this too is a part of the process.  NO one can tell you how to go through this.  You will feel alone, angry, hurt, sad, and sometimes at the same time.  You may not even be able to tell those that are closest to you how you feel or what is going on.  Be careful in who you confide in.  Remember that those who you speak to will push you one way or the other.  You hold your own spirit.  It doesn’t matter what others think, you ALONE have to stay in this or leave.  No one will be there to get you through the way you are going to want them to be.  Friends say they will be there but have their own lives.  Do not make a decision based upon what your friends say they would do because when they get it in they have no idea how they will really respond.  Love on yourself.  Regardless of what took place, his cheating was HIS doing.  He alone is wrong and you don’t have to take on HIS cheating as your own. He is grown and made a choice.  This didn’t happen by accident.  He is wrong.