Love is…..First Take

Sooooo so much to unwrap. Let me say that I hate to be the one to ruin the first episode because maybe you wanted to watch it later. This show although you may read it on the blogs is worth your own watch. It can’t really be placed in a box although I will do my best to give you my first thoughts.

Messy

So my thoughts even though I watched the preview show is that it was messy but not in a ratchet way. No disrespect to any reality show. This was real but it wasn’t the man finds a woman, falls in love and then bam they run into issues, solve it and live-in bliss. This was based on two individuals, Nuri and Yasir who were already connected with other people and other energy coming together. Connected is code switch for they had other men and women they were already messing with!

A few nuggets Nuri, is connected to several men and at the same time. She is dating the way dating should be where you juggle but you don’t have to give up and the goods. This was super refreshing. Most times women are told that this is taboo but Nuri is doing what she wants. She has a mother who supports her and encourages her to do what she will until she is ready to settle down. Nuri’s mom walks in on Nuri while she’s laid up with one of her work boos. She’s better than me. Say what you will but as a grown woman I’m not about to be dry humping a man who I’m dating! This might be why I have 3 kids?! 🤷🏾‍♀️. Momma as encouraging as she was needed to have her key taken since she came in that house while Nuri was laid up and spills the tea and gets all in their sexual or lack of sexual relationship. The only issue I had was with Nuri wasn’t that she was messing with too many men but that some of them was one of her work buddies. Dating a man where you work can be an issue and super delicate. It’s not for everyone. I too dated a man at work back in the day and talk about super slippery slope?! Don’t do it!

Nuri meets Yasir while at a bookstore by Yasir’s friend who first found Nuri attractive. They go their separate ways until one year later they meet up at the exact bookstore. Timing is everything and the reality is that everything that Yasir is everything a mother would have taught her daughter not to fool with. Like my mom Yasir got too many “ain’t gots.” He is literally walking around in his drawls. He ain’t got nothing but a dream and most women aren’t willing to unpack that type of baggage. We are conditioned to keep it moving and avoid the Yasirs of the world. I think that is good advice except when the connections is this strong and you try to make it work. I want to see how this dynamic alone continues.

Nuri on the other hand seemingly has her stuff together. So how this breaks down will be interesting. Both Nuri and Yasir do have amazing mothers. I’ve already touched on Nuri’s mom but Yasir’s mom is equally a force to be reckoned with. Immediately I didn’t get mama’s boy vibes but the love that most mama’s boys are known to share she gives him that without overstepping. She lets Yasir know that he’s going to have to keep working hard and that she believes in him and his dreams.

Timing

As I stated above their timing couldn’t be more off but so magically right. Yasir is living with his live in girlfriend and baby mom Ruby. He gives Nuri his number to the house and this was before cell phones and even so if they had been out he was too broke to have one. Nuri calls the house. Wait!! What?! Yes. Listen please inject every black woman clap because no way you can call the house for someone’s man and then said man leaves the house and comes back home at 4am and live to tell your story! Not a one!!!! So I knew at that moment Yasir was going to be put out and that it would not end well.

There are a lot of deep things to unroll such as statements about light-skinned women and long hair and God forbid they cut it. Men and their standard of beauty. It is definitely brought up. This thought process of beauty and what is acceptable I will definitely unravel as time goes on.

Love is Highlights I Related to

  • The newness of love when you talk for hours and loss concept of time is so magical. Just that heightened sense of new love is nostalgic
  • Having conversations with your girlfriends trying to get clarification only to turn around and do what you want or feels is right for you is something most have been through
  • Trying to figure out dating and feeling lost in the sauce
  • Realizing in dating and in life that what you make time for is where you are
  • Love can be a saving grace

So this is legit a surface reaction to the new series Love is. As this series continues there will be many more moments. I will say that the story is relatable and has real moments that if you just live or have lived a little you can find yourself in.

Can we shout out the playlists and shout out to those 90 classics television shows and music?! Downloads will be up tonight! To help you here is the playlist to Love is on your favorite stream:

Love is weekly playlist

Also I said I would live tweet so to my surprise I would get a reply by Will Catlett who is none other than Yasir himself!! Night made!!

So if you haven’t watched it. Watch it! Let me know what you thought and of course stay with me as I will be live tweeting each episode! It’s that good so trust me you won’t be disappointed!!

Love is…..you fill in the blanks weekly by tuning into Own on Tuesdays at 10/9c

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Take the Step out of Stepdad; Tribute to my Dad!!

Stepdads especially when they are great dads should be treated with the same respect as a regular father. Stepdads who take on the responsibility of a father are admiral. So today we salute the men who stepped in stepped up.

Stepdads from Hell

So before we get all gushy in our feelings let’s deal with the stepdads who only play their part to pretend for the women they marry that they are really there for the kids. This is awful. Many of these men can create more issues and make it hard for the marriage or relationship they entered. The kids are isolated. Many develop feelings of anger. Now if a mom is about her kids first she would get to the bottom of it. Sadly there are some who are concerned with keeping a man and won’t even on the surface look into the situation.

Stepdads who Step it Up

So I’m going to make it personal. My mom met my dad who is my step dad legally but my real dad in real life. I was around 5 or even younger so for me, my dad (I’ve yet to call him step anything) was and still is the only father I’ve ever known. There have been many things up and down that has occurred in our relationship but let me publicly say THANK YOU! My dad is an amazing man! He is active duty military, he has been to every function my sister and I have ever had, he helped us with our school work, took us on vacations, and has been an outstanding father and man!! He’s been in our lives so tight that some of my friends wouldn’t have ever known that he was my stepdad. The only time I talk about step is for things like this or if asked. It’s not a secret in anyway. He has just been a pillar in our life.

I can say that he set the bar high for any dad. His dad my grandfather is an amazing man and I’m not hyping them for the blog either, offline they are both amazing!! When I grew up I couldn’t use the I ain’t know my real dad as an excuse to act up, make a scene, or be less than I needed to be. My dad slipped in my life as if he had been there from our very existence. He was tough and it’s those tough moments that I’ve ever was really mad at him. Now with my kids I get it! He had to be stern. I was definitely the handful out of my siblings. I always appeared to be the one who didn’t give issues but it wasn’t true.

If you have a step dad make sure you make him feel that he is the most amazing father. Do your best to salute him the best way you can for Father’s Day. My real dad has never been in the picture and because of the love of my step dad the only thing I’ve ever have had was curiosity and never a lack of love. I never felt empty. I’ve never felt like as a daughter I needed anything. I think when I moved from my hometown to Philadelphia the only thing I’ve always remembered as I got older was my dad and I’s dates. It would be our time and it was the time he would let me pick his brain about men and relationships. Trust me it made for interesting conversations.

I’m sure as a daughter I have hurt him. I know I have. The time when I was younger and gave him an issue because I was a kid trying to figure it all out. I’m extremely head strong. He definitely pushed me to be vocal. That can be a blessing and a curse. I know that I’ve had moments where I’ve embarrassed him. For all of those moments I hope I have given you all of the apologies you were due!

My dad and I when we talk we never say goodbye we just say see you later. If he would say goodbye I would be like what’s going on? See you later leaves it up that we are just waiting for the next conversation or meet up. My dad makes me feel like the best daughter in the world.

I love you dad!! Happy Father’s Day!!

Father’s Day Pain

As we approach Fathers Day we must talk about the pain of the day. There are a lot of amazing fathers that have passed away. It makes days about honoring a father hard just like it was for Mother’s Day. It’s unbearable feeling for many. The pain of the day has to be talked about because it’s unsettling and real.

Absentee Father

Unfortunately the way life is set up it makes it easier for men to be absentee fathers. Like the old folks would say mamas baby, fathers maybe! This is the time to note that not all men run from their responsibilities. There are some outstanding men who not only honor themselves and their children but some men who are stand up men and father and raise children who are not theirs biologically. Kudos to you wonderful men and we will be celebrating you all week. However there are children who regardless of having male influences in their lives or having a mother who attempts to play both roles still need and long for their fathers love, admiration, and respect.

I don’t know why a man would leave. I can’t answer for men in that regard but I can answer for the children who are stuck between this adult world and child life. Normally there is never an explanation. They have no choice to rely on what they are being told. Depends on their mother if they are told the real story without bias. I hear men saying well that child is being tainted by their mother. You are right to a point except often times when the father leaves it opens the door. Let’s not act like there are mothers who use their kids as pawns. You can open your local paper and read how some kids are even being murdered because the father won’t comply to the mother’s demands. We know it exists. However a child can’t understand and as that child gets older they will continue to see the absence of the father as something that is about them. The child thinks I’m not good enough! Kids need both parents!

Fathers raising other families

This could mean that the original set of parents have broken up, the father has left, etc and instead of that man keeping and maintaining a relationship with his kids, he leaves and starts a whole new family. This is the ultimate disrespect to a child. What was it about that new family that made it okay for you to leave and never look back. No calls on birthdays. No time spent on holidays. Nothing. But a new life with a new family and the father that your child longs for is now being done elsewhere. It’s heart breaking. Even grown kids feel a sense of pain.

Single moms as fathers

I will say this and I know a small amount of folks will get mad. Kudos to the single moms doing all the work. You are not mom and dad you are mom doing it alone. Your child may respect the hustle but they still want their father. You can give a child everything but it will never erase the void of that father. The child can even live a settled life but hear me clearly my sister, your child will still want their dad. It’s hard. The pain of trying to make sure that child doesn’t miss a beat only to think your child is not affected by the absence of that father is setting yourself up.

Salute to my single mothers. You get a bad rap! There are a million reasons why you are single and raising a child or children alone. You have the world on your shoulder and you’re doing the best you can! My hat off to you but do understand your child needs their dad. You might try all you can to get the father to participate and he won’t. You can’t make him! Love on your child but do understand how your child feels. I heard a mom tell her child “you don’t need that fake ass father of yours. I’m all you got.” I understood the pain. I get it! That’s how you feel when that father makes promises and leaves you with the pain from that child and the pain you feel everyday with no help! That child even if he or she understand will still want their dad. It’s natural. Thus the pain on the day!

What can fathers who have placed pain do?

Attempt to be there! Apologize and show up. I would rather know my dad cane and tried and was stopped than to think he just knew I existed and just kept living a life as if I was never apart of it. If you have a child then do right by that child. Do not tell me that the mother of your child makes it hard so you stopped only at her. Yes the courts do make it easier for women then men but if you stop at that you are to blame. Does it cost? Yes! But stop at nothing to be apart of that child’s life. There are organizations that assist men in being in their kids life. If you can google the little dumb stuff that we all google, google information to assist in being involved. Any reasons you try to give me will never be acceptable not to me but to your child. End of the day that child is the one losing.

As we continue to celebrate Father’s Day we will talk about all of the pain associated around the day. We will hit it strong and make sure we balance the pain along with the joys of being a father. I know how being loved on by your father and how that love pushes you through relationships or even with your own kids.

National Compliment Day

Today is national compliment day.  I am sure you knew that right?  Well let’s talk about them.  I know we all love to get them.  They make you feel warm, beautiful and confident.  However there are a few things to consider:

  1. Be okay with receiving them. If someone says nice shoes, don’t say oh, these old things. This is taking away from the compliment.  You are worthy of it. Do not deflect and bring in any negativity to overshadow the gesture. This is harder than you think. Notice how often you do this.  Your special someone in your life, you can’t just say thank you.  You have to say thank you and deflect.  Things like you have to say that, or you’re playing games, stop this behavior.  This 2018 and everyday accept compliments.
  2. Be okay with giving them. Ladies especially it doesn’t take away from you to give another woman a compliment.  It doesn’t matter if you are alone or in a crowd, show another woman just how brilliant and beautiful she is. If you’re going to rally about women’s rights and I truly support that movement then be okay with being a little more sisterly in how you treat others around you at ALL times. We as women especially are connected in some way whether you want to receive the message or not. What you are going through someone else has so we don’t have time to look down on others.
  3. Give them often.  This doesn’t mean you have to be extra with it, but a compliment does something to the receiver AND the giver.  This world is already filled with so much hate, you don’t need to add to it.  Show love
  4. Be courteous to your fellow-man/woman. This should be common place.  Slow it down.  Do not think that it takes anything away from you. Did you walk past someone and not say hello?  Stop that, it don’t add or take away from your credit score to say hello.  Did you not allow a person to cut in front of you while driving?  Stop that.  Be courteous.  If you’re that much in a hurry you should have left the day before.  Slow down. Did you hold the elevator for your co-worker? No, stop that.  You aren’t that much in a hurry that you couldn’t wait.  Be courteous, give compliments to whom they are due and spread love!

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Martin Luther King Jr. would be Disappointed

So today is MLK day. The day we remember the teachings and words that Dr. King’s legacy was supposed to enlighten us to do. Dr. King faced adversity and his message was clear that we change how we interact with others for the chance for us all to live a life of equality.

On paper it’s the best message that we ever could have. The problem with Dr. King’s message is that it with all of its national and worldwide playback the message can only go so far if we don’t just recite them on today. There will be people who recite it just for the moment but don’t apply his words and how he lived each and every day to their every day life.

Another issue that we have to talk about is racism. The ability to hate and show hate to a group of people who do not look like, nor do they align with your personal measurement of acceptance based on race. So yes even those who state they have a black friend how can they be racist, yes you too can be racist. Having acceptable Blacks but hating the other Blacks isn’t about preference. This is hatred and this is racism. That acceptable black person you have welcomed into your fold still has to deal with the same overt racist actions that others like them have to face. Black folks don’t get to claim they have an acceptable white friend and dodge racist reactions.

Dr. King didn’t want us to have the Travon Martins of our time. He simply wanted any child and adult to be judged on character and not color of skin first while their character was used to later justify the hate. He didn’t want our young black men or women to be assaulted before they could even be determined to have been a criminal first or not. You do realize no one has made signs that our black men or women can carry that identifies whether or not they are good or bad when approached by cops.

I think about my own son. He’s 6 years old and is taller than most kids his age. Hopefully he will make good choices, but even if he does the way the world is set, what makes him so different that he won’t face racism?! I was called a Nigger by a child in elementary school and was told that I wouldn’t be anything even though I had maintained a 4.0 from practically 2nd grade.

Dr. King’s message of acceptance and equality is necessary. We need to hear it and live it. We have come far but the way history shows itself it’s definitely repeating. That makes me scared. My great grandmother before she passed away was able to live to see a Black president. That is hope and dope at the same time. (Dope means awesome FYI!) However we need more hope in order to raise our kids and the kids that come behind them to do more then repeat Dr. King’s speech. We need the Dream to be our reality and we need it now. The increase in race based deaths and hate speech is no longer secluded events. They are no longer happening to a select few. It’s common place. As much as we don’t watch the news with our kids to control a little bit of what they take in, they still are getting the negative messages. We as parents are still having to have more adult conversation due to questions surrounding inequality.

If you’re reading this blog today, make a declaration to do better. Please treat yourself and others around you with dignity and respect. Respect the differences of those around you and embrace people’s uniqueness. Spread love but make each other respect one another. This is a unified message. If not the very pain that our ancestors was killed for and shed blood for will continue to spill today.

Dr. King didn’t just give you a day off. His message was greater then just an awesome African American lesson. This lesson is and should be the very spirit of our own lives. We are connected regardless of how much we want to fight it! Don’t let Dr. King be disappointed that he may if he was here think his fight was in vain. Don’t let his good work be taken advantage of. The times his wife and kids didn’t know if he would return home, or the times all of their lives was questioned for nothing! We are the Dr. Kings of our time! Let’s do our best to spread love! Lets also continue to call those out who spread hate. Why? The ones who hate but are undercover are more dangerous then the evil you know, acknowledge and are prepared for.

So do community service today and everyday. Get out and learn about others history. Get out and extend your services without discrimination to all regardless of race, sexual preference, etc.

Don’t snub your nose at people because you had one bad experience with one person. Allow a sea of different people into your neighborhood without them fearing retaliation on the back end. Let your children play with one another without fear. For those in high power jobs and responsibilities, do your job without these prejudices making your judgement a top priority over your oath of office.

Let’s remember Dr. King everyday!

When 2018 Comes…

Every year we run the same list. When the New Year comes I’mma do this and that. I’mma give folks what they give me. I’mma lose the weight. I’mma, I’mma …..

You know I’m all for goals. However you can start now. You don’t have to wait to give anyone the same energy they gave you later. That can start right now. What are you waiting on?! For them to continue to do some mean and ignorant stuff, trust they will do that no matter what if that is in them to do.

Whatever your goal is for the New Year, do that now. You are important enough to extend the energy into your own life. Don’t wait to be that more upset, that more motivated, or that more encouraged before you can make a move. You know what I am talking about. You wait until a person does one more thing and then you will feel it’s okay to handle it or them. If you know like I know, that the list of wrongs has been long since Jesus was a baby. You don’t need anger to motivate you into cutting off folks that rightfully deserve it. You just need to remember that you don’t want that same treatment in return. Sometimes you can let it naturally cut off while not doing any extras. If you would simply stop giving folks you’re all when they keep showing you that you’re only an option and not a priority it would naturally end.

They can’t get anything from you or even the things they once got from you, the little value they saw in you they won’t see anymore and will move to the next person that will give them what they want. Don’t ever feel that you are the end of the story. Trust me what you won’t do someone else will. They run that you’re the only one; they have no one else game simply because you allow it to be ran!

You don’t need to be made fun of due to your weight to start later. Start now. Start making changes to your diet now. Thanksgiving isn’t an automatic ear until you get sick move. It’s going to come no matter what. If you start pushing back from the table now you may just have the energy to eat in moderation during the holiday as well. So many people say imma wait until the holidays are over to start. You do realize that you could be working on your goal while going into into the Nee Year instead of just starting at the New Year. Make your goals within the holidays. The holiday doesn’t have to rule you. You are tired of how you look in your own skin is more than enough motivation or will you just be disgusted and settle?! You really want results but you don’t want to work. How is that working for you now?! 2018 is going to be filled with the same drama, the same effort and the same lack if you don’t learn to honor yourself.

So on this Monday don’t wait until tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. Make the steps today. You are in charge how you are handled by the people in your life including how you handle yourself. Keep talking down to yourself telling yourself how unworthy you are and don’t be surprised when others treat you the same. Keep taking negatively and putting failure and pain into the atmosphere but keep looking to receive success where you haven’t sown it. News flash it ain’t coming. You’re going to get out of life the very things you put into it.

Take this moment to get clear your goals and work them now. 2018 isn’t promised to any of us. There’s a lot of folks That left this earth in 2017 with ideas that were never accomplished. Some goals that wasn’t even started. I think failure isn’t when you start but don’t finish it’s not honoring yourself enough to start in the first place.

Ask Toi: Can I monitor his weight as his wife?

No. In my mind when I hear you say monitor especially with everything else you have said in your letter you come off as motherly. Your job is to influence and encourage not to mother. When you use words like he’s too stupid, he’s too childish your role doesn’t need to be wife you are acting as if you’re his mother.

If you wouldn’t allow him to speak to you the way you describe yourself as speaking to him than you are out of line and out of order. If he’s so stupid doesn’t speak on his intelligence that speaks volumes on your character. You sound as if you chose him on the basis of control. There’s a part of him that likes your motherly ways. But all good things come to an end. He’s going to realize that the way you’re treating him is wrong and when he does and has enough strength to leave he will.

Monitoring his weight should be his desire. If you think he’s overweight than be the change you want to see. Do you eat right? Even if you’re small and in shape you still need to make sure their are ample healthy choices for both him and you. If you prepare the food are they healthy? Even beyond that you can’t portion control him he needs to do that. Do you work out and offer to work out with him without judgement and name calling? In the letter you have used far more names to describe the man you chose to marry that are negative and condemning. If you are doing this with me who you don’t know then what are you saying to him or your friends?! If you can’t not seriously answer these question he’s not the one with the weight issue, you are. So what is your real issue? He could lose the weight but you are the one with the issues.

No husband needs another mother. Even if you think his mom did the worst job ever, it’s not your job or place to re-raise him. One thing is people don’t even respect the wife that belittles her husband. They can see you ain’t all that you portray. The women who do that usually have some internal issues that need to be worked out. I would suggest you influence your husband and while you’re doing that be sure you find ways to love your husband, love yourself, and return your husband son so one day he can just be your husband only.