Increased Self Care

Who doesn’t love getting a mani/pedi? How about a salon trip? It feels amazing to pamper yourself or just continue your up keep. As much as these activities are awesome and can be forms of self-care, do not limit that to your only self-care. Increase self-care to those things that bring joy into your heart and life.  What about that hobby that brings the type of smile that can’t be wiped away?  What about making time with friends a priority? What about going back to school to accomplish a goal you left sitting? What about making time for rest and unplugging? We all need to dip deeper into self care now more than ever.

brown couch near pillows and mats

Photo by Kevin Menajang on Pexels.com

When I hear older folks make complaints such as “what is this self-care business, we didn’t have that growing up,” it irks me. Those be the same women that have the most insecurities, the most hard battles in their spirit that have gone unchecked. When you know better you do better. Why aren’t you practicing it yourself or encouraging the younger generation to focus on their mental health just because no one encouraged you? You remember them lonely battles you fought? Remember that feeling of being overwhelmed? Why would you want another woman or man to go through that?  Even it made someone 5 seconds better, it’s worth it. Encourage and then practice it yourself. 2019 is about accountability and that is even in how we treat ourselves. We can’t expect anyone to treat us well when we treat ourselves badly. Think about it from head to toe. What are you doing to make you whole? If you are still eating, drinking, not working out, have a thousand bad habits that contribute to your body and mind’s demise, these things need to be worked out.

adult art beautiful beauty

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Self care is about self-preservation.  It pulls you out of darkness and makes you alert. When you don’t practice self-care often times you are numb to things and people around you. It doesn’t stop bad things from coming but it can help you deal with it that much more. Think about the times you let yourself go mentally. You weren’t even ready for hits that life was about to throw. Self care is super important. I don’t care what you call it.  You can call it self-care, self-love, me time, whatever it is find it, be consistent, and then add some more. There is no such thing as too much self-care. That is impossible. Having joy in this world is what keeps people from feeling hopeless. That hopeless feeling leads people into paths that don’t bring about positive results. People need hope. Joy isn’t about walking around with a smile 24/7.  It means that you have things in your life that bring you real happiness no matter what. Self care is about preserving peace in a world full of chaos. Self care is about loving yourself even when the world wants to make you feel unlovable. Self care doesn’t care what your status is in life. Self care is important. Please invest in yourself. Practice some more self-care!

two woman doing exercise

Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

Advertisements

Today is Self Renewal Day

What do you do to self renew?  There are a million and one ways to renew.  Renewal of any kind means to reset. This is taking deliberate time out for yourself to get your body, mind and head in the game of life. Although it is celebrated as a holiday for today I like to think this goes along with self-care which should be done daily.

For me I try to do self-care and self renewal daily. I like to switch it up it may be with changing the scents of my bath bombs, using my body exfoliation and turning shower time into a home spa. Sometimes it’s shutting the bathroom door and listening to an uplifting song. It may be going to the nail salon and coffee shop.  My self-care rituals can be as a big or as small as I need them. How you preserve your mind is important. Sometimes it may come in the form of no. I have had to cancel plans if I feel overwhelmed. It happens!  I have a lot on my plate. However what I have learned is saying NO without explanation. This is a big one even to elders. You can be respectful even with a NO.

african american woman black girl black woman chair

Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com

So renewal is necessary. It really should be a part of your daily process that its normal. So many times I hear things like I don’t have time. Make time. I make me a priority while I jumble a busy schedule. I take time out for me because I know the second I don’t everyone around me is going to catch it. Why have the folks around you suffer and to be honest, why would you have yourself suffer?  If you know you can’t do more, don’t take on more. It sounds more simple than it sounds because you have allowed the notion of more is better. Sometimes less is more. Don’t over exert your energies where it’s not being replenished. You can’t fill someone up from an empty cup.

When I feel like I can’t tap into myself, I ask why?  What is going on inside of me that makes me feel like I can’t take a break. My husband is good at saying, sit down it will be there later. Often times I give him a look but the reality is others can see sometimes what we can. Do not sit and think that by asking for help you are less than who you are.  Help is great. Help allows you more time not to find things to put in its place but to be sooner so you can do something you enjoy. I often now have it so that when the kids go down I like to have my kitchen cleaned and food put away so that remainder of the night I can focus on what I like.  That is my time to get my wine glass should I want or take an extra long shower or even go to bed early. Getting rest is self-renewal too. Naps are a blessing that blesses those around you!

Take time today to renew. You hold the power. Today I will be taking some magazine and wine down time. Its quiet and I can shut the door and enjoy my me time. Renew yourself today!

Ask Toi: Do you think people should go to counseling before having Children?

Yes and no. I think that if you have had things happen in your childhood that affects your ability to raise your children then yes. If once you have children you notice things that come up, by all means run don’t walk and go to counseling. If you feel like your childhood wasn’t an issue than no. Not everyone has bad childhoods. If you feel like you did or as an adult even before having children, you yourself know or can feel triggers. Also regardless of being a parent or not, you can see a counselor to help you get better at self-care. Everyone I believe can benefit if that is a choice they take from speaking to a licensed professional.  Having children will test you in ways that no one can prepare for. It takes a lot more than knowing how to keep a child alive, feeding, or housing them to be a parent. Each child is here on this Earth for a purpose but some people don’t realize that the child rearing years can push them further away from their purpose if you don’t keep a clear mind and watch how you treat them. What we say, how we talk, what consequences we give matters. They aren’t just dolls for us to take care of and show off. They are humans who need guidance and we as parents are responsible in how we do it.

What I know is that regardless of children or not, I for one felt triggered having my kids. Part of that was going through postpartum depression. I have said openly that I went to counseling and took medication to work through my own issues.  During that time of counseling things that I hadn’t talked about or dealt with came out. I worked through them and continue to work through them. It doesn’t necessarily mean that my childhood was awful.  It meant that I found as an adult things that I would rather deal with to be a better parent.  For me my ultimate goal is to be the best parent for my kids. All three of them have different needs. I didn’t have to feel after going to counseling that I had to treat them the same as far as giving them the same exact method in how they receive correction.   It’s my job to find out what works best for them to be their best. It’s not about me, my ego, what my parents said goes, what my husband’s mom said goes, it’s about them and being to them what they need, period.

I for one don’t like yelling. However as a parent I find that if I am not mindful I will do it. I don’t want my kids raised in a home with yelling so when I was in counseling its something that I worked on to eliminate it. I don’t even take my kids around folks that do a lot of arguing or fighting. Should I find that we are in that type of environment I will immediately remove my kids from it. I think yelling is unnecessary. As a parent I can speak to my kids and give them respect and expect it from them without yelling to get my point across. It doesn’t mean that my patience tank as I call it is always full. When I find that it’s not I apologize and work with my kids to be understanding. This I found out how to do in counseling. I had to let a friend of mine know who was keeping my kids why one of my kids responded the way they do to yelling. It’s not that I want to keep my kids in a bubble but I do feel an in control parent can watch how they speak and that’s just as important to the message.

I have talked to other parents who stated that things in their childhood didn’t come out until they had children. I would say be proactive in dealing with it. I know I am not perfect but if I am constantly checking myself and willing to tweak what I do where my kids are concerned, I know and pray they have a good outcome from that. Sometimes I also think, if my voice is their voice would I want my kids to yell unnecessarily to my grandkids in the future?  If I am putting them down, who is going to pull them up?  There are parents who belittle their kids and then when their kids do “great” things they take the credit? I don’t want that. I want them to shine because their support system behind them helps them shine! All adults need to have an outlet whether they are parents or not. If anything is on our heart and mind and talking to a licensed professional is a good thing for self-care.

Having kids will bring out things in your childhood if its left unchecked. That is a good and bad thing. To fuse two different upbringing from my husband and I and knowing that we can take from both and find what works for us with our own takes a lot of finesse. I would say if you are talking about having kids that you have some real conversations on how those kids will be raised. It’s not the time to wait until they arrive.  Counseling is another way of helping to deal with those difficult decisions for any part of your life not just parenting. Also be prepared for those around you specifically parents to say things like you weren’t raised that way. It is true.  A lot of the things that we do for our children don’t mirror my parents or his mom. However end of day you have to take into consideration resources available, times, and your kids personalities and they way they learn. I would rather support their way of learning and have them find ways to be that much better than to only do what I was taught to please any one of the sets of parents. Parenting for where my husband and I are right now is a lot of meshing. We mesh both sides and what we see and what we deal with when dealing with our kids.

If you are concerned with if counseling will work, I would say go to a few sessions and find out for yourself. I find that I feel better equipped for the time I went to counseling. I was given tools to work through me which in the end of the day will help in how I deal and heal with my kids. They are the best parts of me. I see myself in all 3 and I would hope the things that I didn’t master they master. I would hope that the things I wanted in my childhood I make sure they have and its beyond material things. I want them to feel secure in being them. I want them to be able to not hide who they are. I know they will not fit what I think they should be. I hope as they figure out who they are that they can count on me and my husband to love them through it. I pray constantly that I would choose my words carefully when interacting with them.

People give counseling a bad name. Going to counseling doesn’t mean you have issues with everyone, you’re weak, you are unstable and any other negative word choices people give it. The notion of keeping your business to yourself is the reason why people respond to life the way you do. You should be open to speak honestly about things without fear that if you do something is going to happen. Getting help is not a problem. You should be getting help and in that shows strength. If you are someone who needs a counselor regardless if you are a parent or not or if you are being triggered or not, go and get that help. I would rather someone be in counseling than to treat a child wrongfully indirectly because they were taught not to speak up.

Boyfriend Drama

Having a boyfriend or girlfriend should be a nice welcomed addition to your life.  It can be fun, exciting, and new.  Sometimes when the newness wears off you may have a few things that lust allow you to check in the beginning.

love couple sunset sunrise

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

Are You a Real Couple?

Huh? Yes did you know that some folks get together and think its all love between them but in the end you may not even have had the talk.  You actually need to communicate that you and your boo are really an official couple.  Do NOT ever miss this step.  Even if you two had this conversation over sex, have the conversation again outside of the actual bedroom.  This will save you a few weeks in and possibly a heartache.  Being on the same page is the biggest thing that couples will need to be sure they are on.  Also what is your dating goal?  Casual? Dating towards a future? Kicking it?  FYI kicking sometimes means kicking it for sex alone, so be clear!

Jealousy

There is a healthy dose of jealousy in any relationship but when you find that the jealousy leads you not to both be able to live active lives separately and come together then, sis you get a problem.  No relationship should have micromanaging as part as criteria.  This is unhealthy.  I am married and the thought that I would be micromanaging my husband or he me makes me tired just thinking of it.  Two individuals need to be that-two individuals that are dating to see if they are compatible or just dating to date. Also micromanaging someone is a lot of work.  Its draining! This energy could be used to start a business, get physically fit, make money, something other than knowing where another individual physically is.  I am not taking time to smell body parts, checking mileage, checking phones, etc

Cheating

Cheating isn’t everyone’s deal breakers.  I think it should be.  The amount of disrespect it takes to do the most against the one you claim you are in love with or even a strong like, is sheer madness to me!  Also keep in mind the amount of STD that are out here in world makes zero sense to put my life at risk for a relationship.  Let me plug that no relationship is cheat proof.  Please manage your sexual health.  Do not tell me how long you have been with your love a reason not to get checked on a regular basis.  I wrote a blog on a previous doctor telling me that as a married woman who I didn’t need to be checked regularly.  She got the business.  I would be less worried about body count and more concerned with clean sexual health and great health practices.

Space Please

When I met my husband back in 1999 he was my first and my first adult relationship.  Not having someone manage our time we found ourselves up under one another all the time.  In the beginning I thought how great it was but there came a time where it became unhealthy.  Being up under someone all the time will wear down one or both of you.  Back up! Give space.  Even if you and your boyfriend have decided to live with one another, space is necessary.  Go and still hang with friends, continue the same dreams you had before you got all Ella Mai “Boo’d up.” Did you go to work?  Yes still go and get work done.  Don’t mess up your coins just to be on your phones, losing focus, or taking off to spend days with no love interest.  Being employed and in love is better than Broke and in Love!

bed blanket female girl

Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom on Pexels.com

All up in The Business

Learn to keep folks out of your business.  The more hands on deck, the more complicated things can and will be.  Everyone doesn’t need to know every time there is an argument or fall out.  You do know everyone is going  to be as forgiving.  People wonder why there friends and family members can barely have descent relationships with their significant others and one answer is they know all the tea.  It’s hard not to give a side eye to someone who keeps off as raggedy human beings.  So to keep the drama down, keep folks out of your business!

If you are embarking on a new love take precaution.  Get to know the one you are taking this chance on.  Keep your life as rich as it was! Take your time.  Get to know how this new person reacts when they get mad with you and others around them.  Also if they have kids but aren’t active with them, find that out too.  No man should be out here making a whole new life and neglecting their kids.  No man who won’t care about his own flesh and blood won’t care about the things that concern you.  That’s a word! Too many women letting me dick them down that don’t even know what grade their kids are in.  If your new love doesn’t want you to be healthy, run! A man should want to get his life together and definitely would want their new leading lady to live her “best life” too!

Recovery Day

Things have been going well. I am not complaining at all. But today, was a day! Usually I feel I am good at dealing but today tested that theory.  As much as I talk about the good days, I’ve also said that I would highlight the bad ones.

Image result for doubt

It wasn’t one thing that made my day bad it was a combination.  Without getting too deep into it and boring you out of your mind, let me just say that I had to think quick on my feet on how to attack each issue and today was the day I allowed every negative thought, self-doubt, etc attack. Shout out on being able to call my husband on days like today where I felt I needed support.  I could have easily reached out to friends but I just didn’t have the energy to do so.  My husband was there to listen to each thing, and offer many suggestions that he knew I wouldn’t take initially.  You sir are the MVP.

Image result for mvp

Walk it Out

I finally got some mental relief by taking a walk in the sun.  Something about being outside even for a few minutes that boosts the spirits.  I took a drink of water with me, made to apply some sunscreen and sat in the sun with my music on and looked around. I didn’t go on my social media to look at what others was doing, simply minded my own business and enjoyed a few minutes of sun and reflected on the pep talk my husband and I had.  Soon as I came back, things lined right back in place.  I realized that at this new job I have been running non stop for days and I haven’t had a break.  I will incorporate a break daily going forward.  This job is super demanding but I will do some work self-care to get me through.  I also noticed that break helped me work on my personal goals that I needed to attack and line up for the weekend.  Trying to manage time and get everything in with a full household full of folks that all have to be places is not always as easy I make it look and that’s with my husband’s hands on help.

So today, take a break! Simply get some air.  Clear your mind and do take a social media break even if it’s for a few moments. Do not let anything rob you of peace of mind and definitely don’t be the one who gets on your own last nerves.  You got this!

Wellness Tuesday Check In

So I wanted to do a quick check in with everyone. I don’t know about you but I do know that the happiness I felt in the morning is starting to dwindle.  I still have joy but the tiredness from the day before and the fact that I am weaning my body off of caffeine for the last few weeks is starting to catch up to me. Say a prayer for me.  I have not had caffeine for about 3 weeks!

Normally when I feel like this I get rejuvenated by the fact that I know my workout is coming around noon but today I am making it my rest day.  Well I’m not my trainer is making it my rest day.  It feels weird not being active and I find that I try to substitute other things when I am not working out.  Nothing bad but little things.  So to relax and veg out makes me feel like I am going to possibly be more tired than I am now.

So with all of these thoughts and a little anxiety that I am feeling I thought I would share that.  I talked to several friends and they are already over today.  I am not alone, you are not alone.  The key will be in pushing through and channeling my thoughts. So please don’t take this as a complaint blog because its’ not. It’s about recognizing where I am and being okay with it until this feeling transitions. It’s okay to be uneasy.  It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to feel blah but until an answer that is on your heart or mind comes, it’s also okay to keep moving forward and past how you feel!

Until this passes, keep pushing! Make the best of your Tuesday!

Power in the Clouds…..

So I am feeling a lot better. I was under the weather taking care of my sick husband and I ended up getting what he had.  I do not think it was the flu as I was able to recover a lot sooner than he did.  I am grateful for being able to have a little down time but now as I get better its time to work.

There has been a lot going on in the world. So let’s dive in. I  was able to catch the 60th Grammy Show this past Sunday. There were a lot of great performances and of course the Me Too movement continues on as it should.  I haven’t made a public statement on it but it’s about time that these men who are using their power against women be stopped.  So many women endure so many things ranging from sexual harassment to rape to get ahead or simply exist. I wish above all that young ladies and women weren’t subject to this type of behavior.  It sickens me to think of my own daughters having to endure such abuse in any form.  However the down side to it too is that there will be a few women use this movement for the wrong reason. My prayer is that all women would be safe no matter where they are.  Shout out to all the ladies in the world taking a stand in public and in private! May the fight continue!

Image result for janelle monae me too

So I wasn’t able to do a Sunday message or a Monday motivation message due to me not feeling well.  Let me say that discouragement is always around us no matter what.  It’s hard to do but we must all constantly check the messages we surround ourselves around.  What we listen to and entertain is super important.  No matter what type of journey in life you are on, discouragement is always in our faces.  Look at how the world is shaped, you log onto your computer and negativity is always present.  I try my best to be sure that I change what I take in and especially what my kids take in. I shield my spirit first.  This way I can assist them in what they need.  Be careful to clean up your social media actions.  Stop debating with everyone. Everything ain’t a fight. Sometimes letting someone have that last word is necessary for your own growth. Do you know how many people get off on saying they told you off? A LOT. Let them eat cake! You got enough time on your hands to build you.  You don’t always have time to build others.  I am not saying don’t be inspirational, I am saying your cup has to be full.  Drink from your cup.

I find that the mind is the playground of excuses too.  Sometimes you are having a bad day not because of the outside elements but because your mind is telling you something is going to be a certain way.  Doubt and fear are festering in an unchecked mindset.  You and you alone have the power to check that.  So check it! This may be a Tuesday but to someone they struggled hard during their Monday not because it was a Monday but because they are overwhelmed emotionally and spiritually and feel lost. Feeling lost is real.  It’s a feeling of despair.  It robs you of joy and happiness and it makes you scared.  Fear is debilitating. I have felt that pain many times.  That pain that makes you want to stay in bed and cry.  Getting up is easy but hard at the same time but you have to get up.  This isn’t just in the physical sense but the mental and emotional sense of the word too.  Whatever you lack can be fixed.  It can be achieved.  It is there inside of you.  Just do what you feel you must and try. If you woke up your answers are going to come to you as you make moves.  You were given a unique opportunity to make today better than yesterday.

I have had times when trying was all I had and then something happened, I got stronger. I had one situation line up and then slowly sometimes like a crock pot slow, things lined up.  It wasn’t a fast fix.  It wasn’t a microwave, convenient fix, it was a slow fix. The light didn’t shine when I woke up, sometimes only a few clouds move. If you are there you know what I am talking about.  The same power that comes in the sun is the same power in the clouds. never forget that!  Be encouraged today and everyday!