How Long Should You Continue to Make Excuses for Adults?

I saw this question posed and it intrigued me. So examples of excuses for adults could be that family member that is always in and out of jail. The notion to say well they had a rough up bringing so that is why they are like “that.” I do agree your childhood and upbringing if left not dealt with will constantly come back to your memory and life. Butttttt when is enough, enough? When is that family or friend held responsible for their actions? Does everyone have to make excuses to soften the blow of the act committed? I would say no. I would say adults should be held accountable for thier actions and if you choose to make excuses due to your heart strings being attached that is fine. Please don’t make that a matter of fact for others to follow suit.

So let me dip into myself because its safer to speak on me than for me to give examples of others. If I have been dealing with issues in life and continue to make excuses and rebuttals for bad behavior, eventually the man-made grace that we extend to those around us will run out. This simply means that my friends and family will to a certain degree get tired of the mess that I continue to implode on others. As an adult I can have validity in my past as reasons to go back and mark a yes check mark on my actions. However as an adult it is also my personal responsibility to deal with myself so that what is going on inside of my life doesn’t spill out to others.

Many people believe that their issues are contained and it doesn’t spill out to others. This is false. Often times whatever you have on your heart will always spill out. This is why I personally take accountability now regarding what I say and do. I try to teach my kids the same. Instead of saying I didn’t mean it say I meant what I said and I apologize that I haven’t dealt with my issues. Everyone I know literally hates when you don’t take responsibility for mean things said. I think its insulting to others not to. So adults if you can read this we ALL have things that we need to deal with. Its our responsibility to deal with them. You can not continue to walk in absurdity and make everyone the scape goat for your issues and problems.

How long do you give an adult accountability for their problems? Immediately. How long do you make excuses for them is your heart issue. Sometimes you defend out of love and embarrassment. You can make that decision for how long you want to give, but the world is giving age to adulthood for understanding of right and wrong. I read a story of the daycare worker who smothered a baby and killed the baby because she was frustrated and didn’t have help that day. She can be forgiven I am sure. We all want and need it in some form, but she forever changed a family and an innocent child is no longer here. She is responsible for her actions. How the family chooses to forgive her is their right to take. However she bears the responsibility for that precious life that she took. So if you heart chooses to give your family and friends many excuses but after a while the reality is we can’t expect those around us to be willing to accept excuses just because another adult choose to give the “that’s just how they are excuse.”

It is imperative that you have to be able to understand that the stand you take with other adults in what they do may not be the same stand that others will support you on.  If i have hurt a friend and that friend chooses to forgive me and another one doesn’t, its their right. I can move in forgiveness and show a turned life by actions. My actions require me to accept responsibility because there was a part of me that in whatever was done I knew better. We teach kids to say sorry for wrongs. We then wait for them to be adults and then think now we have to atone for them. We don’t. It takes a lot to forgive and we should be working towards forgiveness. However you can forgive and not make excuses for the behavior too. Forgiveness may not always mean reconciliation. It may mean peace to live without staying in an offended state.

Lastly whether we want to admit to it or not, we all have the ability to make the necessary changes that we need. We all have the same 24 hours in a day to choose to walk in negativity, positivity, old habits, or make new choices. We all have the ability to know that we are wrong and make right living solutions. So when you see someone wasting them, know too that is also their choice. Know that you can cover them in grace but you don’t have to a blind eye to their mess. I think that’s the biggest thing you can do is be honest with yourself even if you choose to not openly tell others that they were right about their choices. A few years ago I came to grips with myself in so many forms. I had to take responsibility for my actions and in addition to that I had to be willing to change. Even if I never personally thank the people, places and things that were used to hold that mirror of reality up to me, I know that it exists and I choose to take actions daily to support a better mental, emotional, and physical way of being better in my own skin.

 

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Monday Motivation: Mario Kart Life

Today is a day like any day to make the best out of our situations. Let’s not front and act as if everyone woke up with their affairs in order. You might have gotten up this morning with stress on your heart and feeling overwhelmed. I sympathize with you. I want you to know that no matter what’s going on in your life, mind, or heart we have to press through. There may not be someone to come and save you but don’t have to let your situation overtake you.

I know you’re saying that it may be easy for me to say but it’s not. Most days lately have been pure crazy. If I could touch on the things you would be like wow. I know that life happens to all of us. I know that even with crazy life circumstances, what will pull me through is resetting myself daily. It’s going to take me being in charge of what I entertain in my mind and who I allow around me. Your thoughts matter. It’s the first line of defense in how you continue in your day. If all you speak is negativity and worry that’s all you look to see. Even in bad situations I’m like what’s the lesson and where is the good that can come out of this. I know I’ve been in worst situations and I know some how I’ve come out. That’s the reassurance that motivates me to wake up and intentionally push.

Some mornings especially in this holiday season I can feel grieve and sadness around me. So I do what I need to do for me to push out of it. Prayer is how I start, music and speaking to my children is also how I push through. Sometimes journaling. Whatever you need, grab it while your situations work themselves out. Take care of you while life happens. The worst thing you can do is fall apart and while life is happening to you. The stress of life is going to be there. Losing your mind or losing yourself is not worth it.

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Take Monday by the horns and have a great day on purpose. You ever play Mario Kart?  In the game all kinds of objects are being thrown. The objective is to dodge the objectives and keep going. Sometimes life is like that. I think about that when I am driving in Philly and trying to avoid the potholes. Life is like that sometimes. You have everything being thrown to you at one time only to find that some you miss and others you don’t. The objective is to keep going and win. It didn’t say it would be easy. It didn’t say it would work out, life is about not quitting. Usually regardless of skill set, resources, and help the person who wins in life is the one who doesn’t give up. They are the ones that push through.  How about you?

Sunday Blues

Am I the only one who spends their Sundays trying to get their entire life together? Literally from running around getting the house cleaned, meal prepping, church, relaxation  (whenever I can), laundry, etc there are not enough hours in one day. So as I shuffle around trying not to lose my composure I decided to let what can be, be.

The reality is that I have gotten to the point where my kids can assist. That means I wash and fold and they put away. They clean their own toys and we employ “help mommy time.” Help mommy time is when the kids do the chores that are age appropriate at the same time and that cuts my clean time down dramatically. Yes it works every time. I make the “church announcement” and bam things are set in motion. I did this after years of burning myself out while others were enjoying themselves.  Nope not going to happen.

So what are ways you enjoy your Sunday? Since I meal prep I like to do my Target and my Produce Junction run. I’m from Lancaster so fresh fruit and veggies are a must. Produce Junction is the closest to that home feel without going to Whole Foods and handing over my whole paycheck. No disrespect to Whole Foods but I got to plan my trips. My trips to get fresh fruit and veggies ensures that I cut down on buying food during the week and my food is prepped the way I want. 

Tonight is the Grammy’s so I will most likely still be shuffling around getting it done and rocking out to music. I do not put anymore pressure but believe before I go to bed, it will be done. I love Sundays and I know I’m not the only one wishing I had a little more Sundays in the weekend. Something about Sunday relaxes my spirit. I intentionally try to grab me a hot drink to sip and take it in.  So take a moment out of the hustle to enjoy the ones around you. Laundry will be there but loving yourself and keeping your wits is priceless.  

My Thankfulness

I know that is clichéd but the reality is for those who celebrate it, it really is about being grateful.  It’s the one time of the year where you hold all the sour faces would perk up.  We know you can’t control everyone and sadly there will be some who are still going to find a way to complain but when I think and look back on this year that is almost over I have to be grateful.  Please take a moment to realize your blessings.  I know in my family we usually go around the table and tell each other what we are grateful for.  Even if that is not what you and your family does, take a moment to acknowledge your blessings.  Even if you are dealing with the most lowest part of your life and you feel like you can’t have another thing fall, trust me I have been there take a deep breath and hold on.  You are still blessed. There is a lesson in your struggle.  You won’t see it if you aren’t open to learning.  If you take your eye off the problem and find what is that you aren’t getting that you need for your next phase the answer will reveal itself.  Take my word for it.  I have been in things I thought no way I would make it.  I got calm.  I opened my ear and spirit, prayed and the answer came.  Refocus your eyes.

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One of the recurring themes in our home is that we can do nothing of ourselves but everything together.  When it’s just been us 5 we have remained strong in the darkest of hours.  I am grateful for all that HE has done for me and my family.  I am grateful for my little people who keep me grounded.  They are little bundles of joys to be around.  They really are a blessing.  Even if they work hard to do the opposite of what we ask.  They are still our gifts.  I was going over the story of the children in Chattanooga and my heart got so heavy.  If I got a call that my children were taken from this Earth over some dumb, prideful, irresponsible adult I would be losing it right now.  My heart goes out to each and every parent that is dealing with the tragedy of that lost and any loss of a child.  The pain is overwhelming I can imagine.  I had nothing but tears in my eyes as I hugged and kissed my kids last night.  That has to be a hard pill to swallow.

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I am grateful for my husband.  I have seen him take some amazing stands this year in his life, our relationship and as a father.  I can’t even begin to complain about him.  He really is a great man.  He was so super thoughtful and continues to be even with him dealing with his own tragedy this year.  He is still pressing on.  I know his mother would be proud of him.  She loved him more than anything and that’s not just a statement.  As an only child he was her world.  And he honored her until her last breath I can surely attest to that. I love you Marques.

I am grateful to my extended family on both sides.  I am so blessed for my family wrapping their loving arms around us.  They have been such a great support system during all of this year.  The ups and downs and all the late calls and texts.  You guys are the real MVPs.

To my amaze balls friends you guys rock. To be honest my friends are really just family. The ways that you have stepped up this year and have continued to help us in ways that I couldn’t even imagine.  Thank you all!!

Please again count your blessings, name them one by one.

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5 years down!

Well on Friday I was completely overwhelmed with emotion.  I left work early and on the outside I seemed fine but on the inside it wasn’t a very good day for me.

As I drove to pick up my oldest it hit me.  It was 5 years since I moved from my hometown to Philadelphia.  The tears started streaming down my face. The move was strategic and not random at all.  A lot of my extended family and friends all seemed to believe that I moved to build a life with my fiance but that wasn’t the case.  It was true that we had just gotten engaged but the truth was life has begun changing and changing fast.

I had an almost 2 year old and my job had downsized.  I was in and out of specialist offices and hospitals with my daughter who struggled with asthma, seizures, and acid reflux.  I was at my wit’s end.  It made sense to move since my job had ended and it wasn’t holding me back.  The catch was when I moved, it was with my fiance and his mother.  I tossed and turned for about 2 weeks coming to the decision to move.  I’ve lived on my own for so long and to take a back seat to someone’s home and ways was giving me major anxiety.

However at the time I did what any good mother did and that was made the move because I felt at the time it was in the best interest of my child.  Well it wasn’t smooth sailing.  I found out I was already pregnant with my 2nd child and the transition wasn’t easy for me.  Between pregnancy hormones, anger at myself for not equipping myself with options, and resentment I struggled.  I kept coming home weekly to “visit” and I only unpacked the necessary stuff because I was sure I was going to just come back home.

However reality had set in that moving back home wasn’t going to happen.  My parents sold their home soon and I felt anger again.  I should have bought their home and came back to my comfort zone but I didn’t.  Shortly after having my son I experienced post partum and episodic depression.  I suffered in silence and for the first few months I had no idea I had a problem.

My relationship suffered and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to get married anymore.  We ended up putting our large wedding on hold just because the living conditions had changed and I was no longer able to cope.  The turmoil was real.  With a relationship on the edge and almost non-existent I felt like I had lost complete control.

The fight to step out of that fight was one of my hardest fights I’ve had in my young life.  I had to make it in my mind that if I was going to be whole I had to do the right thing within myself and let God take care of the rest.  It wasn’t like I could say some great words and bam I was out.  This is my 5th year of moving to philly and it took me 2 years to get through the depression.  It’s taken almost 4 years for me and my family to be under the same roof.  Yes we were on our way to divorce and Co-parentng.  It wasn’t a great time even though from the outside looking in we were the ideal family.  The reality was we were both dedicated to shielding the kids as much as we could and providing them as much outlets as we could.  I thought how could the love I have for my college sweetheart and the love of my kids not be enough to get me out of this? It was because I had a lot of growth that needed to be done.  I also had to see that I could make it.  I had to limit my support system and lean on God and not resources.

Here are my top take away from my 5 year ordeal::

1. When you make a decision if you don’t have peace with it don’t move.  There will be times when things don’t feel well and you need to listen to it. Anything gained from lack of peace will not stay.

2. If you need help get it.  Don’t be afraid of how others will look at you and treat you.  Trust me they are already talking anyway.  Don’t worry about them and silently watch your own demise.

3. Be honest.  I wasn’t honest with my ability to handle a lot of the trials that took place.  Even the strong need to keep it real with themselves the most.

4. Not everyone who says “what’s the matter” really cares.  I would have friends and family that only wanted to get the tea.  Other than that not everyone is equipped to help you through.

5.  It’s a test.  It can be a few moments, weeks, months, or even years but it’s a test.  You can make it you just have to believe even when you can’t see the other side of peace, happiness, or contentment.

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Filter Please

As much as I try not to use many filters when I’m on social media the reality is that often times we need filters in our lives to keep us respectful and use tact.  Some people use filters to make themselves look better, trust me Instagram has some of the best ones I’ve seen.  My issues with filters and people is that they will use them on pictures but wont use them on an everyday basis to guard the things they say or do.  Why?

Let me give you an example of when its a good time to use a filter, work.  You may have the worst boss in the world.  One that is completely disrespectful.  Your boss may be the devil incarnate but you must exercise the ability to choose your words carefully.  There’s nothing worst than being in a situation and just because you are “keeping it real” you start saying anything and every thought that comes to mind.  Listen I’m all for not allowing others to take advantage of you.  There will be times to speak up, but not every time do you need to give someone a piece of your mind.  You don’t have enough to give out in the first place.

Another example when you should use a filter, speaking to a spouse.  I know that spouses, live in companions, or boyfriend/girlfriend situations you feel the need to speak freely. You should be yourself around the one you love.  There are times when tact over being right is key.  As much as I love my husband and I feel strongly about a topic sometimes the best approach is to be quiet and wait until what I have to say, what I mean to convey is done in taste.  Have I ever said something I shouldn’t have to my husband of course, but sometimes what we say has more damage than we expect.  I’ve had moments that the repair was costly.

The point is that we all need filters.  You can be grown and can say what you want but doesn’t mean you should.  I’ve gotten into many confrontations (arguments) and have said somethings that have hurt those around me.  I was in the right to say it.  I was making a point.  I was saying what I felt, but end of the day it hurt the other person.  I can’t say that all situations you aren’t going to offend someone.  As long as you’re on Earth, someone isn’t going to like the way you said and what you said.  You have to be the bigger person and make sure you take a second to think about what you want to leave with someone.

Filters are going to be a personal choice.  What I think someone should use a filter for will vary person to person.  The problem with that is you have to begin with general respect towards others.  Once respect is lost it’s hard to even think to use a filter with someone.  I know from personal experience how lost of respect will change everything.  There are times although rare where I get to the point where I do not want to be in a person’s presence so much that it becomes a chore to show love or respect to them.  Trust me these are rare instances and I’ve been fortunate not to have many, but it has happened.

Respect is earned.  You should give others a general line of respect to begin with.  I think that’s a working slate to begin with.  After that how someone treats you may sway the amount of filters you use.  Sometimes in life we have to use more filters when you find yourself in a situation where like at work, you can’t just go off for no reason.  You may have to use more filters with family and friends especially if you want to keep the relationship in tact.  The issue when you don’t use a filter and you hurt someone you take the risk to where they may not be so forthright in extending grace towards you.  Once filters aren’t used you don’t always get 2 and 3 chances to mess over people.  I think we as humans have been programmed to belief that sorry fixes things and they don’t.  Sorry is the first step but at times sorry isn’t enough.  Sorry doesn’t wipe away the history either. You can forgive but you will never fully forget.  So the next time you find yourself in a situation and you want to not use a filter when engaging with someone, think about what damage it will and if you are willing to cut all ties.  If you aren’t willing to accept what you say and the consequences that it brings it may be a good suggestion to keep quiet until you find a better approach. For every action there is a reaction.  So practice safe filters you don’t want to get in a situation where you end something before it can begin.
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National I’m Not Going to Take It!!

Today is national I’m not going to take it anymore day.  Yes if you follow me on my social media pages, I love days.  I love celebrations small or large.  Now today we get to all celebrate what we won’t take anymore.

Let me be clear as much as most of us have a set list of things we won’t accept or take from others let’s flip this and look inwardly.  We all talk about disrespect, hurt, etc from others but the reality is if you are allowing certain actions to be taken by you towards you-don’t point outwardly point the finger to you.  Yes it begins with us.  We are responsible for how we allow others to treat us.  So if you have a man in your life that does disrespectful stuff to you, it’s completely wrong however if you keep allowing him back it’s on you.  I know its not the blog you wanted to hear. Not all days are always about fun and games.  Some days we need to take responsibility for us.

What are you tired of today and not going to take?  Now take that list and find ways you can make yourself responsible and make the change.  Its like having your phone ring and not answering it.  You can’t stop folks from calling but you don’t have to answer it.  Some things are in your hand and power to control and there’s not much someone can do if you’re willing to accept it.  Some times we need to call a spade a spade and not sugar coat it.  You like the attention, the drama, the negativity.  When you don’t guess what happens, come hell or high water you make the necessary changes to stop it.  It may not be simple, it may cause a few back slides but overall you can stop it.  So what do you need to stop within you? Make a conscience decision to do so.  Even if it hurts or feels uncomfortable to do so-do it.  The most uncomfortable thing is stopping a bad habit but when you do, it’s a great feeling.

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