Hurt People Hurt People But You Can Do Better

It would be nice if we lived in a world where we all could uplift one another.  This is simply and unfortunately not the case.  We live in the world where with the change in political climate we spend hours of a date arguing and tearing one another down. Even politics aside the nature of the human spirit is tested to do the right thing and help one another.  Listen outside of religion and race we are do really share a lot of common experiences.  Think about a new mom who is struggling with life for those first weeks. I don’t know a mom who either experienced or not doesn’t understand what that feels like. What about a new marriage?  A couple unites and struggles with the fusing of this new life.  This is a common experience.

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We need to do a better job in uplifting one another not just when things go wrong like for instance the example of Hurricane Harvey.  Although it’s a beautiful thing to see and is needed, we need to learn to not allow a disaster to come along and THEN we step up.  We have a human right to extend the very best to our fellow sisters and brothers all around the world.  Let me also put things into perspective.  I have some folks that I have a general disdain.  I do not like them, they do not like me, but I give them and anyonelse respect.  I do not have to break bread with some folks to show respect. This costs me nothing. However at the end of the day if I was in a fire, or sick, or drowning would it matter at that moment who saved me?  Most likely not.  My disdain would only come into play when I can control the playing field. With that in mind, I try to make sure that although I may close the door of fellowship based upon personal experience with others that I do not do that with people who have done nothing to me.  Meaning for some when they are hurt they take out on the rest of the world their pain.  Pain is very overwhelming.  However pain I am having with family doesn’t need to spill into my social life.  It’s hard too when that pain resembles and is reminded.  It’s like having a band-aid on and having it peeled off temporarily and the wound hasn’t healed.

I win when I show in spirit, thought, and deed in others’ winning with me or around me. I can’t tell you the countless times as a blogger that I have been asked questions about what to do in a situation.  I am about to celebrate 3 years I don’t even consider myself to be the best, YET, but helping someone get to where I am in hopes that they take off with their site, makes me happy and fulfilled.  Uplifting and wanting what’s best even for those that I may not know is important.  To the ones I don’t vibe well with, I never practice ill will towards them.  It’s a hard balance at times when you have been hurt but me holding onto hurt does nothing but brings me down.  I am not perfect in that category but I am definitely working towards being a better version of myself.  With this in mind, there may come a time when I get to a place where I can sit in their presence and enjoy it.  I can sit in anyone’s presence when I have to and not let it get to me but to be willing to do so when I don’t have to is called personal choice.  I feel that it shouldn’t be forced.  It should be natural.  I can be in a room and say hello, and keep it moving. However to be in the room and chat it up unnecessarily is a personal choice.  I can uplift them and want what’s best for them without interacting outside of the need.

As I see stories of families, friends and strangers coming together during Harvey I am hoping that this continues to spread after the effects of Harvey dies.  I hope this continues in how we interact with one another even on social media.  I am a professional debater but I refuse to tear someone down just because we don’t agree.  Now I may decide to keep it real and not interact with someone who I don’t have to, wish them well and move on but I am at a point that I am not going out of my way to be malicious.  I am going to show support of who you are and your right to be who you are.  No different from knowing a person who is nasty in their spirit.  From a far I can not interact with you, show you respect, but make a personal choice that the vibes you send isn’t right for my spirit and not interact on a personal level.  However I have no right to dislike you and treat you badly, and then say I am a positive person.  Closing a door to a person who means you ill will doesn’t mean you are wishing them ill will either.  You have a right to protect your spirit.  You don’t have a right to be indirectly or directly mean and bash a person for being who they want to.  So I pray for all of those who is reading this blog, that they would be in a place to deal with hurt but don’t continue to hurt others or tear them down.  You have a responsibility to do the right thing towards even your enemies even when you choose to not interact with what they bring to your life.

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I am practicing these things and I am constantly checking myself so that I don’t respond when it’s not pure in heart.  I trust that even if I get it wrong that I can make it right by just doing what works for me and allowing others to do the same.

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Ask Toi: Have you ever spoken about a significant other and it turned from bad to worse?

Yes.  I’ve been completely guilty of stating how I felt about my husband when things were hard. I’ve also painted him in a pretty bad light in the past as well.  It’s not something I’m proud of but it has happened.  One of the things that I have learned from that is that people are less likely to move on as quickly as I do.  In a nut shell I love my husband. There’s no other way of getting around it but just because I love don’t always mean I like all the things said or done.  So in those moments I’m more cautious of why I felt the need to share information and when I share it.  Now I may only share it with a close friend or two and usually if they tell me about something that they are going through and we have already gotten through.  I try not to share every argument because others aren’t equipped to separate issues from venting.  When you are venting you aren’t gathering your friends for an intervention you are simply getting some things off your chest.  Be careful of the audience you share things with.  Not everyone cares or even wants to hear your drama but reality is some people only want to hear your drama because it makes them feel like their life is better than yours.  Sadly it really can come down to simply that.

Did you know that often times the way you present your spouse to your friends and family has so much to do in how they are received and perceived?  It’s true.  If you tell your family and friends all the negative things that happens in your relationship do NOT wonder why they are standoffish.  Yes we know people should treat others based solely on their actions but unless you live on another planet people aren’t built like that.  Find ways to speak positively about your mate.  You don’t have to be extra with it but if its good its good. Newsflash often times people can tell by the glow of love on your face.  Now keep in mind EVERY relationship will be tested but be careful who you feed information because there are many snakes in the grass waiting to see if you are unhappy to get their chance to bite and that’s the truth.

Yes I have opened my mouth spilling my pains of relationship to the right people, people who will say girl, OK but if you love him work it out.  I have spilled the same information to others who will say let’s get em.  You got to know that either one of the responses are possible so think about what you are okay with others knowing.  One other flip to that is not even just for your significant other but about you as well.  You can come off looking bat crazy for love.  Sometimes you will be and sometimes you won’t be.  I guess that’s why its called crazy in love.  Just don’t be a fool there’s a difference.

We all have that friend that paints their relationship so bad that it makes you want to break them up.  You have to be understanding of your friend that they may be going through a rough patch.  But if you are in a situation and they are being harmed and I’ve been in the place where I have gotten those calls to, empower the person to do the best for them.  Sometimes even with a painted picture, a sign, a t-shirt, and a banner they will not see the right way out for themselves.  I know some people who have cut their friend off for not leaving someone because it became too much for them to comprehend.  To me that’s a bit much.  If you cut your friend off because they are dealing with someone you think is a loser, what does that say about you?  People have to get to good places in their lives at their time and pace.  I’m not one to cut off but I may limit calls but won’t dismiss that friend simply because they are living with a bad decision.  Their decision doesn’t affect me and as much as I have been hurt watching a friend hurt, I can maturely separate their issues from my personal life.  If you find you can’t tell them you encourage them to do what’s best for them but that you aren’t equipped to handle their challenges.  That’s more honorable than just cutting them off.