Securing the Bag, Secure it All!

Ladies are securing bags everyday. The term securing the bag is in the context of getting your money or closing deals. I battle back and forth on using the term in the everyday life of just working since in my mind everyone is supposed to work, but again it’s my own personal thought. While your securing your bag be sure to secure your own emotions and definitely your body.  How many women worrying about securing the man, the job, the car, the section 8 payments sorry I had to go there because there are many who think that is life.  Ladies, being healthy, working out, eating right, drinking water, talking right to your kids, traveling, etc is a full-time job.  All of the things that we do to be secure in life comes at price points. What’s more pricey than you body and sexual health?  How many times does a woman have to lay down with a man thinking he is the bag.  He is not if you had a doubt.  He is not. What you secure on your own by hard work is but don’t in heat and not remember that.  Sex is great but its better in the right way.

Nothing in, Nothing Out

So back in the day the old mothers would tell you to save yourself for marriage. They meant it! Not the new way of saving yourself where you do everything but sex! If you don’t have nothing going in, won’t nothing come out. That’s a given. Now that goes for traditional virgins and born again virgins. If this non sex life is your life be sure that’s a decision you want. Don’t do it cause you are afraid of what someone will think. You’re the only one that has to combat them urges when they come. You can say what you will but you alone are in charge of that. Don’t let peer pressure to give it up or hold it move you one or the other. Sexual health is a personal decision-more on that later!

If you aren’t of that mindset then you better play by the rules of the land where you secure some birth control. The pull out method is one of the weakest methods. So don’t be found out here with a new boo telling you that it will work. Don’t even let the old boo tell you that mess either. It don’t work like you think. Many a baby has been made from that weak move.

We decided…

It’s so nice to have a partner that will agree or support your decisions. Please understand as a woman who you and you alone will have that child. All the support in the world hasn’t stopped women from having to take care of babies alone. Every woman didn’t lay down with a jerk or at least what they thought was one in the beginning. Some of these men have been Prince Charming!  Some have been husbands who have decided for whatever their reasons are, they don’t want to be apart anymore.  You the woman have to decide that if you aren’t ready to be a single mom at any given point in life, do not at that point or continue to have babies with any man.  Be careful.  This is a lifetime commitment that society has allowed men to be able to walk away from.  Note to my men this isn’t to bash you but to bring awareness.  This is the conversation that regardless of status you should be having.  Married women aren’t exempt.  My mom told me the realist message after I got engaged.  Marriage isn’t the end all be all.  You could be single at any moment.  The life you have built, can change and you better be sure that you are able and ready to take on that life by yourself should something change.

So yes go in with the we with the mindset of an I at any time am willing to bring this life on and take on all it takes on.  If you can’t say that with the partner you are with, then that’s your number one issue and your second issue is that if you say this will work, I can do this than be sure your anchor holds or you have the ability to mindset to push past any hindrances that may come.  Yes we know women are strong they can take it but the number one thing divorced women or women who partners have walked off or may have passed away say is that they never thought about this moment.  Life is beautiful but keep those moments in the back of your mind. Secure your future.  One more note, do NOT let a boyfriend or a fiance push you into any decision. This means no tubes tied, no having babies if that is not something YOU can live with.  Listen husbands don’t get a full pass. I know of many husbands who force their wives to continue in childbirth and at the end of the day those same men weren’t supportive after the baby is born.  It’s cute to have a baby with your husband until you’re in the house bare feet and pregnant with no job security, going through depression and can’t get that same husband to change one diaper.  Count up the cost.  Your mental piece is worth it.  Not to mention the physical needs…  The one thing I didn’t do was secure my own sexual health with my own husband. Gasp.  I alone should have taken my birth control, gotten my tubes tied before I did because that’s what I wanted to do and should have done.

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Don’t look for the tea.  I am good.  There’s no of my goodness what if her kids read this and think they didn’t want them.  STAWP!!!!!!! That is nowhere near the case.  However as much as I loved my boyfriend who turned my fiance who turned my husband,  it wasn’t his decision to make on the continuance of childbirth.  When my second child came it was what it was.  I was in-between decisions and careless on making a decision for birth control when my 3rd came.  She wasn’t a mistake at ALL.  None of my kids were regardless of how much the church folks was whispering.  NONE of my kids were a mistake but I failed myself in how I secured my sexual health.  I love the family that my husband and I have built. I wouldn’t change it but I can help other women be wise. That’s about real as it can get. It is what it is.  Thankful to my husband who he was the one who made me see it that way.  Yes he had his part we both get that but if we can get the younger generation to see the big picture from this, then it was all worth it.  Secure your sexual health married, divorced, seeking, not in the sex game, don’t know where things stand, whomever you may be secure everything not just the bag.

 

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Ask Toi: My fiancé wants to invite a “friend” that she friend zoned in her past, how do I tell her no without looking jealous?

For those who don’t understand the concept of friend zone that is when someone male or female has pretty much politely rejected any advances that you give off. This is the polite way to keep the buddy and the booty separate so that lines don’t get crossed.

One tell her that if the shoe was on the other foot that would not be okay. I don’t know too many women who would want a friend zoned “friend” to be on deck when their saying their vows for their soon to be husband. If we want equal rights and disclosures then the answer is simple, the “friend” is a no go! It’s not a jealousy issue it’s a respect issue. To have been friend zoned often times there is an attraction and that friend has let you know it’s a no go. Other times you’re not attracted to your friend and that makes it easy to friend zone. For my readers this particular “friend” has professed his feelings for the fiancé and she classily rejected him.

This isn’t about being jealous. It’s about having those who share in your love and want the best for you two as a unit to be a witness. Not a man who may have jumped at the chance to be with your fiancé and got rejected, to witness. Don’t get me wrong there are some awesome men who are the most respectful and then there are some who if the mix was right would stir the juice and sip! And if your fiancé’s friend was honest he would understand.

This is something that can be made simple. Your new life together will encounter these bumps in the wedding planning phase. Have the conversation when both of you are relaxed and not super stressing or even take a night or two off from planning and come back to it. Weddings and stress seem to go hand and hand. I hope though you invest in some form of premarital counseling. It’s not a total fix of an impending marriage but it definitely will help to clarify the hard hitting questions that sometimes those lovey dovey feelings can miss.

Also FYI above the wedding this “friend” isn’t really a friend and not only should he not be invited to the wedding I would be questioning why he has such an active role in your fiancé’s life that she had to bring him up and add him to the list to begin with. Unless you had an all expense paid wedding and money was no object there has to be a real friend who doesn’t want the booty and the girl that she can add?!

This isn’t someone who she was good friends with that she’s had in her life for years! This is a man she has met in passing in the last 2 years before she met you who tried to push up and she said no. This man isn’t worth making an issue for a soon to be husband in my book! He also hasn’t been active in her life since she met the fiancé or has interacted with the bride and the groom as a unit. Focus on who matters. Just you and her! Everyone is negotiable and only those who really matter should even be considered!