Ask Toi: Holiday Edition

I am afraid to tell my parents that I do not want to stay at their house during the holidays.  How do I do it?

I would have the conversation now before the holidays really shift into gear.  Try to talk to them about the why.  Your why is the biggest reason as to why you made your decision and you need to be clear about it.  Also be prepared.  Some parents will be fine with it and will still want to spend time with you regardless.  Some parents are petty and unfortunately may take it a step further and cancel you even dropping by altogether.  You know the climate of your parents but being an adult means sometimes you have to do what’s best for you.  You not staying at their house doesn’t make you any less their child. Its going to come down to you being okay with their response, show respect always but not letting them or anyone tell you or convince you that your decision is wrong.  Usually unchecked emotions and conversations that should have been had will creep up during the holidays and this is why you need to break the news to them now.  You don’t need to create issues during the actual holidays if you don’t havea to. It will be easier to get it off of your chest and heart.  It may not be as bad as you think, the stress of having someone over during the holidays could be relieved for you and them.  You won’t know until you do it. Put your big girl panties on, talk about it and go from there.

Will my boyfriend propose?  It is making me nervous and I don’t know how to deal.

I don’t know if he will propose.  I would think that you know the status of your relationship.  Are you ready to be wife is the question.  Are you ready to take in another person because you have done all the work to be a whole woman?  You can have the proposal in the back of your mind.  Holidays are a perfect proposal time but don’t play your feelings to be all ready for it and it doesn’t happen. I always tell women to be ideal in the timeline of their relationship. If you haven’t at the very least been with a man through all of the seasons, have been past the honeymoon stage, seen him angry, seen how he does with his family, been around his family and know the dynamics that WILL affect you in your relationship down the line, pump your breaks.  You need time to get there.  Also if you feel that you have are you ready to be a wife vs a bride. There’s a difference.  There are many who love the idea of a big party, and pretty dress, flowers, and photos but don’t want to be a wife that has to deal with when your man for an example loses his job and needs to lean on you.  Be careful that your ideology of what marriage looks like isn’t taking over.  Also have a time in mind that you refuse to sit and wait.  Yes create your own ultimatum but do not tell him.  This isn’t be secretive this is real.  If you won’t honor yourself in what you will or won’t tolerate than you won’t make him honor you either.  Make your moves and stop waiting around for him to do anything.  We put so much pressure on the man and not enough on our own happiness.  This will be key if you want to be a wife so you can be that bomb wife but still complete and go after your own goals.


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Leap Year Proposals

Happy leap day.  I hope you are doing something wonderful on this extra day you were given.  Well not only is it leap day-shout out to all the leap day babies but did you know it’s the day where women are allowed to propose to their man?!

Say what? No lie this is a real thing.  Many moons ago it was determined that women who were single who were tired of waiting on their man to propose could.  Sigh.  Now I know this is 2016 and women can do all that a man can do, but I draw the absolute line on proposing to a man.

Say what you will but I find that any woman who has to propose to a man is desperate and doing too much.  Yes I get it, we should be able to do what we want and I agree.  My issue is if you are the one proposing to him, how does he then lead?  Now for my feminist I know I won’t get your support.  We as women can wear the pants and bring home the bacon too.  I’m not against that however in this independent women world, some women take it just a bit too far.  Maybe I just need to catch up to the times but I’m not there yet.  Pray for me.

I don’t see anything empowering with a woman getting a man an engagement ring and asking for his hand in marriage.  I just don’t and that’s where I am.  Now let’s get to the meat and potatoes of what proposing to a man because you are tired of waiting on him.

You and your man have been together for awhile.  You have talked about marriage and he seems to be on board but hasn’t made any plans towards proposing.  Let’s look at some other factors of marriage.  Even if you and him haven’t gone to the jewelry store to see the rings you would like let me offer my check list.:

1. Is he preparing a place, home, living quarters, or even a clean card board box for you?

Yes love is an amazing feeling but you can’t always eat potential.  Now let’s keep it real.  Not all men come with a home but what are his plans towards one? What are his goals? What is he actually doing towards them?  He can have a dream but is he working his dream at the same time? No, not yet.   He wanna own a home one day but hasn’t cleaned up his credit.  He wants a place but hasn’t saved a dollar towards a down payment for an apartment? No?!

2. Does he take care of his responsibilities?

If he has kids and don’t take care of them, he won’t take care of you.  Let me repeat that for you, if he’s not making sure his flesh and blood has the things they need no matter if it’s court ordered or not, surely he won’t take care of you.  Yes I know some women make it hard for good fathers to be involved, but a man who wants their child to be taken care of will pursue all avenues to make it happen.  Does he pay his bills on time.  Things happen.  Life throws curve balls but if he’s not generally on top of what is coming in or out how will he do when you combine finances? Just a question.

What are his personal goals? Does he have any?

A man without a vision can’t be a husband.  I didn’t say a man has to have his entire life planned.   However he should have some aspirations to get to a certain destination and that’s something that comes from the inside.  You will not and can’t not make him obtain a vision.  If he lacks vision for himself, he will surely lack one for you.

Now as you propose to him, what are you promising?  Are you promising to be a good wife? How? He’s not even husband material.  Are you promising to be there foreva in my Cardi B voice? How? You aren’t even sure if he’s gonna be there next year?

Marriage isn’t for everyone.  Matter of fact marriage is the one ministry that takes the most work.  So if he or you aren’t ready, don’t jump in it too quickly.  Some women are more concerned with the wedding day then they are for the marriage.  You will have bad times even with all of your “ducks” in a row.  What are your plans to weather it with a man that didn’t have a vision for you in the first place?

Rings are expensive if you are into and are asking for 2 carats. Let me say it would be better for you to buy your own ring and get the thrill over with than for you to be on your knees proposing to a man.  Please understand that you need to make sure the man you love is ready to walk in being a husband.  A husband has to do more than work and have sex.

Ladies don’t you dare buy him a ring.  Let him have a vision.  If you’re tired of waiting for him to make a move maybe you are wanting to be married for the wrong reason.  Maybe you are with the wrong man and you know it.  Have a mature conversation about marriage with your boo.  Make in your mind what your threshold is for waiting.  Tell yourself that date and then honor yourself by making the necessary moves when it doesn’t happen.  Be realistic as to where you are.  If you are dating 3 months but your “internal clock” is ticking and you want “at least a proposal” maybe it’s just you that needs to make better decisions.

You may just get an “at least” proposal but no marriage.  Have you met a couple that’s been engaged for like 10 years? Not all but a lot got that hush ring to silence the complaints of “when we gonna get married” talk.  If you allow they can and will string you along.  Men can see weakness.  They will prey on it.  Matter of fact not even just men, but people in general.  When you put out in the universe that you will take a man no matter what, you may just get any ole man.  Be careful for what you ask for.