Save the Drama for your Momma

You ever hear that when you were a kid?  Absolutely you have.  That was the cry when you wanted someone know from the gate you wasn’t here for their crap.  This was before it became popular to say “you tried it” or “boy bye.” A few years ago I got caught in some drama with some family members and decided they or anyone else would never get the chance again to try me.

Now I can admit that my mouth is pretty blunt. I pull no punches. I don’t say to someone  behind their back what I won’t say to their face.  If I said it, I own it.  My mom has raised me on that premise.  As much as folks can say what they want about her, they know what you see is what you get.  So when you’re a young girl you have to walk real close and not say what you want.  However when you become a woman and a real adult, you speak and say what has to be said period.  Do you know how many times I was super respectful in school but I would be the one to school a teacher and have my parents back me?  I had learned to reserve that go off when it was appropriate.  My parents definitely taught me to hold my tongue when I had to but when it was warranted, don’t have them looking crazy but make it a good one.

Well today before someone could even try to drag me I had to hit them with the save the drama for your momma pose.  I am not here for it.  I am not the one. I do not want to hear no issues because I have learned that people love to dice up a story and add stuff that ain;t happen and for me, if you gon quote me, quote me right.  I had to shut down the young lady and let her know from the gate, that I do not subscribe to banter so if that is what she came for keep it moving. She was mad trying to justify why I should listen but mid sentence I walked away. Just like that no questions asked, no let me go, just simply walked away.

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In my mind, I don’t care what you wanted to add, it becomes a choice if I sit there and listen and I definitely knew better.  A few years ago I allowed another person to make me mad enough that the anger was so super explosive I had to retreat for an entire day.  I had to count up the cost if that foolery was even worth it. It wasn’t.  So from that point on I make it my business to live in peace with the 4 other folks aka my immediate family ie, my husband and kids and live our lives without drama.  No drama in the home, so none to go out.  This has caused a rift with others but it works for me and my household.  Outside of getting blamed recently out of association since I had to be explained as to why I was in the last drama fest, I live quite a quiet life.

People are funny that way.  They can’t get to you in another way so they tag you with who you associate with. Let’s keep it real, they don’t like the person and it is what it is.  They didn’t hear me say, they didn’t see me do anything, but they have to add me in.  It’s quite laughable. But I laughed at the little mini altercation this morning as the person was just trying everything to get me upset. My are you done yet face still in tact as she reminded me of a tantrum that a child throws.  It was cute but not cute enough for me to attach any emotions to it and give her what she wanted which was attention.

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If you ever want to make someone mad, don’t pay them any attention.  Don’t subscribe to anything they dish.  Do not talk, don’t break bread, do not entertain that. That doesn’t mean from a far you can’t show love but until some things are worked out on both parties it’s a no for me sis.  As I watched this tantrum from this wayward adult unfold, I thought bless your heart, you just need some friends, some D, a nap, a drink, a vacation, anything but what you won’t get is a high-five on your mess.  She couldn’t do anything but stop talking to herself.  I was a mere distance from her, and her hollering had to stop at some point right?  Right.  Kill folks with a look, ignore them, walk away, but protect your spirit at all cost.  Every time something jumps off I remind myself of that promise I made a few years back, folks ain’t worth my time, energy, my bail money, or my life.  Focus on what matters, and keep it pushing folks, keep it pushing.

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Ear Muffs

I respond to things that I am passionate about.  The things that affect my here and now or my and my kids future.  I respond to the petty things of the world sometimes and have to remind myself constantly to use ear muffs.  No my ears aren’t cold but they need to be shielded.  Sometimes we yell ear muffs to our kids and they know that means cup them ears mommy or daddy needs to express adult content.

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For adults the same technique sometimes needs to be used.  You are in control of what you entertain.  You are in control of what you allow to get into your spirit.  You’re an adult.  You have the ability to end the things that no longer serve you.  You have the ability to say no to images, sounds, and social media that do not line up with preserving you.  You have a right not to argue and debate a fool who will not listen to anything you or anyone else has to say.  You can be pulled in but as an adult you control the stops in your life.  You have to be willing to look wrong sometimes.  You have to be willing to look off when someone wants to engage you and you know it will lead no where.

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Even on social media. I told you about the time I allowed myself to be pulled into a debate.  Even though I felt I was being targeted or the person was saying things about my kids for one, I still had a right to end it early and deal with that person face to face. So you have the same power.  You have to evoke ear muffs to shield the very things that will cause you to be upset.  Anything that takes space in your mind that has you thinking of it for more than an hour that isn’t something centered around making you better, putting food on your table, getting you that much closer to your destiny-cut it off.  Disengage on social media, stop hanging around the family and friends who do not mean you well, stop arguing with your mate and getting no where, find another job so every day you aren’t crying in the parking lot or miserable at your place of employment. Control the parts of your life that you can.  Trust me I have been in that place before.  It tears your spirit down.  Activate your ear muffs so you can hear what you need to do, where you need to be, and how you are going to get there.  You don’t have time to entertain things that don’t build you.

How to Get Past the Annoying Co-Worker

So we all have them right?  Unless you are in business for yourself you have to work.  I was always taught if you don’t work, you don’t eat.  There are no handouts.  Let me say even if you have landed your dream job, having others who you have to interact with can get annoying.  It doesn’t mean you have to be at your wit’s end.

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I am a firm believer in life not to allow any one person to get into my spirit so much that the sight of them makes my eyes squint.  Now that is not to say that it hasn’t happened. It’s getting warmer out and although you would think that moods would be jolly people are people. These tips I am giving are the ones I use and reuse all the time.

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  1. Don’t take your work home-give yourself about 5 minutes or so after you get off or after you speak to a friend or spouse about someone at the job and then let it go. The more energy you give a person even if they are not in your presence the more they irk you.  Speak it and then release it and them.
  2. Know your supervisor.  Sometimes knowing who you have to report will help the situation.  There is always that co-worker that thinks he/she is your boss.  Speak up. You are only going to get more frustrated if you don’t.  You can professionally let people know where they can get on or off without being overly out-of-pocket. Little reminders of the such goes a long way trust me.  You have to professionally back people off of you.
  3. Don’t Speak what you won’t do.  If you are a talker and all you want to do is complain say that.  However never put out in the atmosphere what you are going to do if you don’t plan to do it.  People waste energy telling folks off and then don’t back it up.  In an office setting there should be protocol in how you handle conflict. Deal with the issue and attempt to set aside the emotions of the situation.
  4. Be cordial-stop thinking that you have to be your co-workers friend.  This false set of foolishness leads to more issues that can be squashed.  If you and the co-worker don’t hang out outside of the office, stop allowing them to be on your social media networks and crossing the friendship line with you.
  5. You are in control of you.  Adults should be their own person.  Learn that in some situations hi and bye works.  You are there to do your job or work on your projects.  When you forget that at times you get caught up.
  6. Don’t get caught up in office banter.  In order to have less problems learn when to disengage.

There will be tines when the list doesn’t work.  Gasp.  Yes people are people.  Find it inside of you to stay in control.  The biggest one is to learn to speak up.  It’s usually the ones who hold everything in, and complain the most who have the worst interpersonal skills.  They haven’t learned to walk in their adulthood.  That alone will solve a lot of office issues.  Never stoop to the annoying co-workers level.  Remain in control.  There’s a good chance they have rubbed others the wrong way as well.  Never let them see you sweat.  Since most of us don’t have bail money on deck, don’t lose control at work.  Walk away especially from work place violence-no one wins.  Take walks.  Take a break.

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How To Deal With a Jerk

So the other day I was driving behind a jerk.  I was on my way to work and I didn’t have my kids in the car which is a rarity in the morning.  Usually when I have the kids in the car I usually do an out loud prayer to prevent me from using “adult words” in my  kids’ presence and they get a kick out of it because they think I am trying to be a comedian and I’m really not.

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So this day I was able to get my car washed before work and make a Wawa stop which for me is under a Starbucks stop and I am in a good mood.  The man in front of me is going at least 15 mph in a 25.  So at first I turn my music up and rock out until he is going several blocks looking back at me in his mirror.  So the music is no longer loud to me because my focus was on the irritating man. I don’t want to tap into full road rage because in this day and time people are taking lives over this type of stuff. So a few deep breaths.  Than at some point I lose it and I am hollering at the car.  Why am I hollering as if this man can hear me?  I am all in my feelings.  The man sees it and drips down to 10mph.  Everyone is beeping their horn but he’s smiling in his mirror seeing the agitation and getting off on it if you ask me.  I couldn’t get around him at first.  So I am like Toi, what are you doing?  Don’t feed into his foolery.  So I realize I can make a turn and get around him so I do.  I turn on my Beyoncé and I get my smiles on because I know that its going to irk him to see me happy.  It works, he is waving at me as I get around me all besides himself as he catches the light.  I was able to get me together and not given into this brief encounter.  There was a way out.  There is always a way out when dealing with idiots.  We don’t look for ways out we like to indulge  into what jerks are doing. There’s a spot in us that likes to let others see that we are mad at them.  To be real folks don’t care.

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Don’t subscribe to their channel.  When someone sees you are ruffled you let them know that you are irritated and what spot to keep hitting.  Guess what?  They keep hitting. Stop allowing people who do not matter to have a front row in your life. This is easier said than done but once you shut out the extra folks and their mess that they create you will notice a peace in your own life.  Some baggage comes from our own minds, things we create, and some come from deposits that we allow others to drop off and then they walk away feeling fine and we are irritated, mad, sad, heated, and hateful.  Drop folks and their stuff off with them and makes waves to secure your own peace.  Peace is sometimes better than just having a solution to an issue.  You can solve a problem and still have no peace.  So today, to hell with a jerk…..

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Flex Your No Muscles

I have to share a little battle with ya’ll.  One because I need to get it off my chest and the other is because I just want to.  I don’t get it.  I have some really great friends.  It’s the associates that sometimes misinterpret their place.  For me the line is clear.  If I am not the one to have you around my kids, most likely you are an associate.  I take my kids and who they are around very seriously.

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So I got 2 invitations to do some things this weekend. The one is from a friend.  They are someone who knows how I am.  Asks me and my husband at the same time and can be around my kids by themselves because the trust levels are high.  The other is an associate. He or she has never been around my kids or in my home.  That in itself speaks volumes. It’s the holidays so I am all for gathering together.  It can be fun.  However don’t pull a stunt telling me anything.  I think it’s a glitch in how I work in general.  Respect lines can’t get crossed with me.  Once you do it’s an issue that I struggle with resolving. I am working on it which is why I also am direct.  It helps people and myself to stay in a certain place.  So as this associate told me she’s coming to my home.  I wanted to verbally bury her.  What house?  Whose house?  Clearly not mine.  This is how it was worded: “hey girl I want to see you so I am coming to your house and if you could make me some dinner that would be good since I will be getting off of work late.  How is 7?”  So I stepped back mentally.  Is this person joking.  So I straight up asked.  The associate said that they was tired and had me on their mind and knows I cook because of the kids.  I was baffled.  My best friend wouldn’t have even done that she would have at least asked.  Word choice matters to me.  I am quirky like that.  Take it or leave it.  However I barely know you.  I barely see you.  Catching up is a beautiful thing.  How about set a date up and make it happen.  This invite yourself thing doesn’t and will never work for me.

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I kindly informed the associate that no they would not be coming to my home.  They can’t simply invite themselves and it’s during the week which means we have a nightly routine that won’t be interrupted.  I asked why they felt like they could be so intrusive.  The response was because you seem like the person who wouldn’t care. I informed them that to come over unexpected especially during our week schedule to eat and we don’t have that type of relationship seems intrusive.  I barely know this person’s last name.  I also informed the associate that we should definitely have a built relationship before I start inviting them around my children.  I didn’t mean any harm but I do NOT let random people around my children.  Anybody I generally have around them are people who I have personally tested their spirits and are comfortable with.  I don’t even allow certain people in my own family access to my children let alone someone who can’t vouch for.

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The moral of the story is that some people believe they can occupy your space and they simply can’t.  I am okay with backing people out of my space.  We do not have drama in our home and if it is someone who I don’t know that is openly inviting the potential.  My kids are very open and welcoming and I will not allow them to be tampered with in their spirits by anyone.  Be careful who you invite in your space and their motives.  This associate may turn into a great friend but until that day happens, back up.

Ask Toi: If you wanted to throw a party for a friend that is married or in a relationship, do you have to ask their mate first?

I would say out of respect you would.  How do you know that the mate or significant other would want to be the one that plans it?  Or what if they were taking your friend out-of-town? Back in the days when your friend was single, planning surprises was easier but it doesn’t mean the element of surprise still can’t exist.  You just have to be creative.

I know in our house my husband usually is really good at planning great birthdays.  Now I do celebrate from May 1st until the actual day of May 10th.  So that leads plenty of time for friends to do their own thing. He however is always the one on my day with the major of surprises.  He welcomes others to do as they please but if its dinner, etc. he’s the one that makes that day special.  If others contacted him he would be willing to make things happen.

It’s about respecting your friend’s relationship.  You can still be spontaneous towards your friend.  I have had friends who send me things to my house or work place and it catches me totally off guard.  The ideal is to honor your friend and celebrate their Earth day.  You can do that and still give space for the special man or woman in their life to be able to do the same.  Who doesn’t like multiple celebrations?  Dinners, luncheons, happy hours, brunches these are a few ideals that still can be done to honor your friend.  You can do one day or in conjunction with the friend’s boo or separate and have a great time.  Now if you don’t like your friend’s significant other, well there’s not much that can be done with that.  However it cost you nothing to ask questions and clear the schedule.  The significant other can even assist you in getting your friend to the location of your choice for a great guy’s catch up or girl’s night or day out.

Now I have heard some vindictive signficant others who say they have no plans and then when you do, they make them for the same day that you set aside.  Keep in mind that your friend will in time see through this.  Do not sweat the small stuff.  Let your friend know way after their birthday what transpired.

Disclaimers

Now yesterday I wrote about hoe miles.  No that’s not a typo.  Catch the blog if you missed it.  For the ones who obviously read the blog and still was in an uproar I say roar on.  It amazes me the words that we choose to get upset over and break down about.  Clearly if you read the blog I wasn’t uplifting being a hoe.  Reading is fundamental.  I was simply talking about our past and let’s be honest there are a laundry list of past lives that many of us has led that could have been used.

Now let me also say that it proved my point when I said that folks work themselves over about petty things.  I got at least 5 emails and 2 messages about the blog.  Thanks for reading them that lets me know you are paying attention.  My husband doesn’t find my blogging disrespectful nor does he think yesterday’s blog was out of line. Me blogging about helping someone get over the very thing you are writing me about confirms that yesterday’s blog was on time and needed to be said.  If by some reason you need the type of blog that is stuffy and politically correct, you may want to keep scrolling.  I’m not against difference in opinions at all.  I think it makes for one hell of a debate.  What I won’t debate is me being my authentic self.  I blog about numerous topics.  Every blog have come from my heart and because you are stuck on the word hoe its an issue.  Its going to be an issue for you to get over.

I always make disclaimers because we live in a world where everyone is so super sensitive until you hit a sore spot or one of your secret sins than its an issue.  Think about the world we live in today where everything can be debated online and in forums.  I for one was captain of my debate team at one point so I don’t shy away from an argument and can hold my own in most cases.  Please learn to live YOUR life on YOUR terms.  My marriage should never come into question over a blog.  If there is something that offends you than you are most likely going to have to be offended.  I’m not taking the post down, deal with it.  You are probably the one that the post was supposed to hit, make you uncomfortable, and cause you to push for change.  Change the way you deal with the ones you encounter daily. Change how you look down on people but have the same or even worst little secret sins no ones knows about outside of you and God.  That’s where change starts from the inside out and not in my email.  Email me with a disagreement is fine, but leave my personal marriage up to me, my wonderful husband and God.  In case you didn’t realize that’s where the commit was made.  I’m not here to flash around a certain type of relationship to make yours feel better.

Now to my last little tea about the blog that I was messaged, no I do not think that having a child outside of marriage makes you a hoe, society does.  Your family members who quietly whispers about you having another baby with a man you aren’t married to.  Your friends who are preparing another baby shower for you but secretly talk behind your back. I know its not just me who have dealt with this.  I in no way judge folks who have a child out of wedlock when 2 of the 3 of my kids were born out of wedlock.  This society is the ones that’s messed up.  Yes having a child out of wedlock isn’t ideal.  If me or the numerous other women who have done so are hoes, then like I said my hoes miles don’t have an expiration date but your petty misguided had a baby years ago and don’t know who the father is self is too.  Please stop with the religious bashing with me.  I grew up in the church my whole life.  I know what the Scriptures say but just because you and Sis. Jenkins is married now, help the younger ones instead of throwing stones.

Disclaimers are really for the fickle and the ones stay clutching their pearls over petty stuff.  In real life we women and men just learn to deal and move forward.  If it wasn’t for the world we lived in word choices wouldn’t be an issue.  Now if you email me about your disgruntles at least you know my full stand.  I really do welcome disgruntled folks but leave my personal marriage or kids out of it unless I specifically blog about them and then maybe we can talk.  Outside of that, let’s continue to keep it classy and yes all of this blog is a read for you sip on your tea with.  You may want to read the blog just to catch yourself up but in reality no hoes was harmed in the writing of this or the original blog.  Enjoy your day.