Love is….Misunderstanding

Whew! That’s all I got! It started off tonight in so much love! Then it dipped into the abyss of foolery and real quick.

End of day when you are in a relationship and one or both are unfulfilled it breeds problems. It don’t matter if you are a popsicle stick licker or a CEO of a company, being unfulfilled will damage you both! I’ve never believed that you can’t be with someone from different parts of the pond but make sure that your partner is on their way to finding their passion!

Let me take a moment to shout out Angela in owning her moment. Black women getting the chance to be in the “boys club”and be successful was unheard of! Nuri needed to focus on her career and choose. Choose between love and relationship. Sounds familiar?! Even now the tax to be a woman, mom, and a great employee or a business woman is always up for debate….

It’s undeniable when you finally get your moment the glow up is real! Nuri is shining but Yasir……

Sometimes Love is….Triggers

We think that once we find love that it’s so intoxicating but one part of intoxicating love is that it brings to the surface things that you try to repress. Love makes you address yourself. This is why even when you become a parent, this new love for your child can do the same thing.

Love triggered Nuri to address some dark parts of her past. It made her the most vulnerable with Yasir in a way she wasn’t prepared for. I can definitely understand that love. I know for myself when I met my husband back in 1999 being able to let my guard down was great, scary and unfortunately fortunately (yes I meant that) uncovering.

So understand that I would encourage a lot of singles to work on themselves more than just seeing the world, more than securing the bag, but taking the time to address mental, physical, and emotional issues as much as possible. This is the work that will continue throughout your love relationship. This is why you don’t want to interlink yourself with just anyone. Don’t give your vulnerability to just anyone who doesn’t have the ability to openly love on you but love you through………..

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Holiday Reminder-Watch your Children

This blog is meant to educate not to scare you.  As parents we are doing the best that you can to raise great kids but as long as evil exits we can always do better, and be warned of the dangers that our kids face:

Now I am a mom and I think a pretty good one. Having kids in this world these days has created the most anxiety as our entire purpose is to raise children that are healthy, supported, and safe.  Now what I am about to talk about is super serious.  As we progress into holidays and gatherings its important for all parents to be vigilant about your children.  Know where they are, who they are with, and stop having familiar relationships that you put a wall up because you think your friend, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc would never. I do not prescribe to that notion. Everyone is a suspect as far as I am concerned.  Not that I have ever had to wonder about anyone around my kids thus far, but just know I am not a blind parent to put more stock on relationships with folks over my kids.

First of all raise your children with the proper names of their body parts.  If you ask my kids they not only know all of the cute names parents give their kids but they know the names of their body and especially their sexual organs. Man-mans can only take you so far when you are teaching your son to know where his penis is and to know what a good touch and a bad touch is. Same for my girls they know they have a vagina and have been able to say it properly since they could talk.  I read a story a few years ago about a man who raped a girl who was around 3 and he got less time because the girl couldn’t properly say if she was penetrated vaginally or anally.  How sick that someone’s lawyer was able to get a child molester less time with that notion?!  It forever changed how I raised my kids and this was before I even had them.  I might have been pregnant with my oldest. I know some parents don’t agree but for me its important to empower them to know from the gate that anybody who touches them in a bad touch way is going to get the business from me and their father and I mean on site.

I check my kids when they come from other people’s house, have open and honest age appropriate conversations, as well as make sure they know that anything they tell me I believe. I also don’t force them to hug and kiss people to spare adults feelings. No they don’t and won’t sit on your lap cause you bought them a gift.  The appropriate response is thank you, not a lap sit. They don’t and won’t be made to be feel as if they owe you a kiss regardless of your relationship just so you can feel like an outstanding adult. Work on your own emotions. I have had family members say they need to give (insert relationship) a hug and as their parent I step up to the plate and kindly and politely let folks no, they don’t have to. I teach my kids to acknowledge them so in our house a hi, a hand wave is good and appropriate until they are comfortable.  Some kids need time to warm up.  Whatever the reason there is apprehension from my child, I just watch.  Kids have more sense than some adults and the vibes they feel is often not wrong.

The number one reason why I don’t force my kids is that I want them to know they have power over their bodies at all times in hopes they keep that power and if God forbid someone tries to take their power from them, it won’t be because they were being groomed by me to allow certain behaviors to continue that they were uncomfortable with from the gate.  I do not devalue their feelings on vibes they receive from adults.  my kids have said, why did (insert family) act like that, say that, etc.  They know.  We tell them there is no secrets policy as well. So we have told them that if someone says don’t tell, they need to be open to us and tell us anyway and realize that as children they aren’t wrong for speaking up.  Now with all of that background there could be an adult male or female that may try to take their precious innocence. I pray that it NEVER happens but will publicly state that my husband is licensed to carry so let’s keep it at just that.

Sometimes as you venture to homes to celebrate the holidays, you start to let the kids roam off. Be careful of that.  Not to scare you but you’re number one job at ALL times is to protect your kids.  So be vigilant in where they are, who they are with and around, and not to be so intoxicated, miscalculating, etc that you let your guard down.  I know of children and we all read of children who daily are being sexually abused, mistreated, preyed upon, missing, etc and I just want to be sure that my kids won’t have that story to tell.  I know I can’t protect them every second of the day, but I along with my husband are doing the best we can to ensure that they know they matter, they should be respected, and just because they are kids no one will just do anything.  I am more than willing to end relationships with anyone who challenges me about their safety. Our kids are precious, all kids are, and you can bet we will try not to allow foolery to happen.  So enjoy the holidays, but be careful that someone doesn’t prey on their innocence and use this jolly time as an occasion to take what didn’t belong to them.

Any of US Could be Kenneka?

Unless you live under a rock you have heard the story of Kenneka Jenkins, the young lady who was found in a freezer in the Crowne Plaza hotel in Chicago.  This story has had twitter and social media in a frenzy.  She left with a group of friends to attend a party and never came home.  Follow any of the hashtags to follow the story.  Regardless of the distorted facts one fact remained is that she had some extremely horrible “friends” and that she was being brought there to be raped.

Now I have seen the memes floating about how her death and rape has sparked the whole be careful of your friends movement but it makes it seem as if the rapist and murdered of Kenneka deserves a pass?  My thoughts are on what planet?  Just because people are using this story to remind others about their choice of friends that doesn’t mean that the rapists and murder whomever they may be are fine.  The way the information is spilling, the rapists and murders can be her friends.  Everyone in that hotel room should be charged.  Hands down.  I will not dispute that.  It’s not a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Everyone who live streamed it, turned the music to muffle Kenneka’s cries, participated, set it up, and carried it out should be charged.  AND you should STILL watch your friends.

I placed myself in the place of a mother.  I am a mother in real life.  I have two daughters. My oldest child is very lovable and already possesses the thoughts that her friends are great.  However as her mother teaching her right from wrong I am the voice until she has a voice on whom is not for her.  Yes, even at 8 I have had to call out a few of the mean girls.  My daughter goes to private school which means for the most part her classes are small and most of the kids in her class have already been together since Kindergarten.  They hang together in and out of the classroom. If you think that I as a mother am not in her ear telling her, pointing out, and calling out her fake friends you are sadly mistaken.  We ALL have had to deal with those who we thought was real and found it wasn’t remotely true.

I was asked this week have I ever had to deal with fake friends and the answer is HELL YES.  My eyes were opened AFTER something went down.  Whether that was hearing of stories being said tabout me, being left at a party, etc, it has happened.  Or the times I have had a circle of friends who were really friends because we had one mutual friend involved and heard some crap about me that I didn’t tell the group.  These are the very recipes for fake friends.  I do not think Kenneka realized that until her unfortunate death.  I said on my SnapChat and I will say it again, its not just the teenagers we need to worry about it’s the young girls that are my oldest daughters age that already show mean girl attributes.  It’s the grown women who keep stuff going well into their 40s and up. This mean girl mentality can begin at any age.  It doesn’t discriminate so while others are pointing their fingers at Kenneka, remember to re-evaluate your own circle.

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Listen cutting off friends is hard.  It hurts.  It makes your circle smaller.  Here are a few things to watch for:

  1. The “leader” that likes to control off the cards aka the information that is given to the group.  My rule of thumb is that just because we share a mutual friend don’t bring me no news about someone I don’t pick up the phone and call myself.  Do you know how many people talk that let’s pray for her crap and ain’t been in church a month of Sundays.  Stop believing the that’s my sis crap. That same sis is the same one when you get on hard times will give your information to people who don’t even know you.  Rule of thumb even in a group setting, let others tell their own business.  Stop giving in the name of friendship other’s information unless you have permission.
  2. When one or more lie about inviting another but talk about how that one don’t come.  I had that happen recently.  I found out that after all this talking about one “friend” went down the girl wasn’t even invited but the “leader” told everyone they were and then talked bad about them for not coming.  IF they will do it to one they will do it to all
  3. Be still sometimes.  We go to things without asking the right questions.  If you feel something isn’t right, trust what you say and have your own mind.

These are the lessons that even at 8 I have had to share with my daughter.  These will NOT solve fake friends problems but it will open eyes.  We believe anything.  Just because you know someone for a long time don’t always mean they have your best interest in heart. Also to my men you play a HUGE part in some of this.  For the men who use women as bait, stop.  Start having conversations with your son and other young men about respect. Too many women trying to protect each other but not having men stand and rally behind them to do the same.  Sorry your fragile egos can’t take a no but remember at some point, this could have been your daughter, mother, cousin, etc. Keneeka is all of us and I have the deepest sympathy for that mother and family.  I pray that the ones who did this, will come forward and take responsibility soon.  R.I.P Kenneka Jenkins!!

Safety First Halloween Edition

Well in this day and age this list I am about to bring to you really should and could be enforced all year-long.  There are way too many stories of people doing the most and you say to yourself and yourself says, Huh?!  Why?  Really its due to people losing it.  So for this Halloween season, let me help you stay safe.

  1. Stay off your phone as you are going to your car, or out trick or treating.  I am bad at this and have been trying to do better.  The reality is often times being on your cell makes you a target because we aren’t aware of our surroundings.  Think about when the Pokemon game came out.  People were crashing cars, falling off bridges, and running into parked cars because they were distracted.  If you are taking young kids out stay off your phone.Image result for get off your phone gif
  2. Turn your location off on your phone.  Do NOT live chat while you are out.  Why does others need to know your location and what you are doing.  You’re sending a message to anyone who wants to find you that you aren’t home.  I live the live feature for others I just don’t know how much I will use of it myself.
  3. Do NOT let your kids eat the candy until you checked it.  We know that unfortunately bad people exist.  It’s one of the reasons that I didn’t take my kids out in past years. Check for things like drugs, razors, pins, etc.  Especially with heroin on the rise there are some ugly people willing to let kids get sick to make them feel good.  Kids don’t know any better they love candy but be vigilant about protecting the little people who are in your care.
  4. If you choose to dress like a clown, may the force be with you.  Let me tell you now if you come in my neck of the woods I am not taking any chances. There is a greater chance that if you even make the slightest of advances to even scare my kids I am whoopin your ass.  Let’s just be clear on that right now.  I know my response was supposed to be that I should pray but sorry not sorry not today.  I will take a clown down so its best for you to pick another costume and stay in your lane.Image result for homey the clown gif
  5. Follow up to that is stay in your lane.  Leave families alone.  Let little kids enjoy this holiday.  Go to adult parties and act a fool but leave folks and their kids alone.  And let your older teens know the same.  I don’t care what age you are if you knock and I got candy I will give you some, but let’s be real knock and act a fool well we know how that will go.
  6. Makeup doesn’t have to be perfect.  It’s Halloween so some folks regular makeup with finally blend in for the occasion.  However try to get as close as to what you are trying to be.  No need to look like Elsa and you were really going for a pumpkin.
  7. Uber and Lyft are great means of transportation especially if you are going to be drinking and partying. Make sure that you pay attention to the car you are getting in.  I always tell others and send them the information as well so in case I don’t get to my destination they will know.  I know that with all of this technology it would appear that I wouldn’t have to do that, but I always am more safety conscience than anything.
  8. Know your limit.  This again is something that you should know all the time.  You shouldn’t have to drink to have a good time.  It should be you like your drinks.  So be very choosy on what you intake.  Do NOT drink to the point where you don’t know who you are or where you are.  Too many people sit and wait for you to be in this state to take advantage of you.Image result for know your limit gif
  9. If you feel uneasy about anything trust your gut.  Do NOT advance.  Sometimes things within you have more sense than you allow.  If if don’t feel right stop and retreat.
  10. Have fun, be safe, but be aware!!!

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Keep Your Knee Pads

I want every lady to hear me.  I need you to hear me loud and clear this morning.  We as ladies have to have respect for ourselves.  I had a discussion with my husband and we talked about the male and female ratio.  We know that women for the most part out number men.  However just because of those numbers doesn’t give a man a right to disrespect women and settle or put up with foolishness either.  Think about that for a second.  You are a woman who is waiting on Mr. Right but instead Mr. Right Now comes and wants to ask you to do things that you aren’t comfortable with just because he thinks he can.

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I in my own young life have done things to disrespect myself.  Let’s keep it all the way 100. I can’t blame relationships, situationships or down right just doing things that were disrespected myself on others.  I can take my L where the L is needed.  However think about all of the times I turned down the foolishness too.  I know for women we all have been approached in less than honorable ways from co-workers, bosses, the man cat calling us on the corner, etc.  Women are constantly having to make someone respect our NO.  In the last years it’s getting out of hand that you can turn down a man’s advancement and get killed.  I think about all of the times someone grabbed my hand or my butt and because I spoke up for myself and said NO I could have been hurt or even killed.  It scares me as a mother because the reality is that I am teaching my daughters to be confident and direct.

I had men do some things in my time.  I had a male boss tell me that the only way I would get ahead is if I sucked his dick.  Now let me just say for all you too churchy folks that I have reading this blog I will never sugar coat a thing.  If you looking for a flower blog this ain’t one.  The thought that ran in my head is my education, my long nights, my hard work and it comes down to sucking dick to get ahead?  Naw I will pass.  I could have just went with the flow.  However what wouldn’t have gotten me-nothing.  Any waves I make in my career won’t be gotten by short cuts, feel ups, or knee pads.  I know there are women forced in these situations every day.  But before I get on my knees I will quit a job.  Before I lower myself and have a random man’s penis in my face let alone in my mouth I will be on welfare before I take that kind of L.

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Men think that because statistically they make more money than most women they can literally sexually black mail women to get anything from us.  The only way it stops if we put aside the superficial benefit and understand that everything cost.  I had a friend who had a relationship with her boss.  She had to come running into his office anytime he called.  It got so bad he would show up at her house unannounced.  The issue was that you will never pay that type of debt in full.  The more you do the more they want.  It’s much harder to get out of these types of things.  The same way you were offered raises, and cash to get into it you end up paying with your dignity and sometimes life to get out. She had to start filming him doing things, saying things, etc.  Even then the humility to admit that she once did these and consenting was embarrassment enough.

I have a few friends who struggle to make ends meet.  They are on the cusp of pushing to do the basics.  However one thing I learned from the strong women in my family that life with struggle is better than life with handouts any day.  But on the flip of that keep in mind that you better know that man you entertain as well.  It don’t have to be some horned up boss that disrespect you.  It could be the one you lay up with and the one you feed as well.  These boyfriends and husbands aren’t always loyal.  Women can and are raped and forced to do sexual favors from the men they trust the most.  Anything that is done that doesn’t make you comfortable should stop.  I know we hear as women that when you get married you are supposed to be freaks in the bedroom.  You are supposed to always be on.  However its more important to have a connection and relationship built on mutual respect even in the bedroom.  As a wife no husband should be asking for sexual acts and favors under the guidance that we are married especially if the wife doesn’t feel comfortable doing them.  I’m sorry every sex trick ain’t for everybody.  Why as a husband can you see the fear on your wife’s face and be okay with that as long as you get your release? Where do you as a husband or boyfriend feel the need to push this mess on the women you claim you are here to protect.  Women aren’t blow up dolls.  If you want one of those to manipulate and do whatever you want, than go and get you one.  Your bedroom should consists of both consenting adults and not just consenting only on the strength because of title or so you as a husband or wife won’t stray.  I have said it before an I will say it again, you can’t hold a man’s dick in your hand.  You can’t stop him from doing what is in him to do.

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Respect for women needs to return.  The things I see men post about women disgust me. These boyfriends and husbands will disrespect you quick if you allow it.  Do NOT allow anyone to disrespect you.  Do not take an advancement for sexual favors.  Do not allow someone to tell you what you can’t get accomplished just because you won’t do either. There are women in other countries who don’t even have a simple voice.  Why in the United States do we allow the same thing in our homes or at our place of workplace?  Oh and let me say to my socially woke folks as well, you can’t be woke and disrespect women. Sorry you can’t wake and sleep to what you want and call yourself woke.  I saw a man on Facebook make a statement about women and then say he wants us to be respected.  How Sway?  How can that happen when you contradict yourself.  I spoke up and he told me that he meant that for the women who look good.  Oh so respect is only earned if a women’s heels are of a certain length?  Or let me guess, if her skirt is of a certain length as well? Nope not only did I unsubscribe to his foolishness but that is not the man I want in my circle or one that will have the opportunity to be around one of my daughters. A man’s arrogance will never be an excuse for the crap he deals.  I am learning now that arrogant men and I do not click well.  Ladies let’s end this on all levels. Stop the foolishness you allow and kick a knee pad before you allow yourself to be degraded.