So tonight I pushed past my anxiety. Yes I deal with social anxiety at times and it’s annoying but it’s apart of my life for right now. I never went through this in college weird enough but a lot of that had to do with being a freshman and trying to do it all. You know that wild college student that would be on a table that was me.
Fast forward to after college Toi and now at times I find that meeting up with others is a chore. The kind of chore where I back out quickly and because I have kids sometimes it’s real and other times my kids are my get out of jail free card. My husband is the polar opposite. He’s always been super outgoing and still is. It’s crazy when we go to places. It seems that he’s more inclined to be in the front and I’m content with disappearing. So although I am not the wild child that I once was when I was trying to find myself in college, I’m still just as easy-going as I remember and I am finding that instead of allowing my anxiety to get the best of me, I’m pushing past it and getting out. Maybe not the type of college crazy but the essence of who I am is still there.
A bigger issue with getting out was adjusting to motherhood. My first daughter was a preemie and with asthma too. There were more hospital trips than anything. I kept to myself because no one seemed to understand how I balanced working full-time, being at the hospital all night and with literally no sleep pushing through. I learned how to keep my circle tight. Moving to Philadelphia like I’ve blogged about many times was overwhelming. I relied on my husband for everything. I didn’t even drive for the first months even though I had my own car.
Fast forward to my life now I’m pushing through. Losing weight, being a good mom, working full-time, blogging, and meeting new friends. Slowly but surely I’m getting out and enjoying life. Tonight I had the opportunity to meet up at Painting with a Twist with Mocha Moms. Mocha Moms is an organization that is a support for women of color who are mostly stay at home moms. Now you know that I work full-time and there are other moms who work as well. When I first moved to Philadelphia I wanted to join. I was a stay at home mom then but my anxiety kept me from being apart. Tonight I crushed that fear that I had almost 5 years ago.
Tonight’s meet and great while painting and sipping of course was everything. These women are like-minded, warm and I was myself from the beginning and didn’t feel the need to put on airs. I’ve been in group situations and you find yourself in the back and connect with maybe one another person, but not this group of women. Plus who can’t have a good time painting and sipping on wine?!
I am truly grateful for not backing out tonight. I’m super happy to have met these great women. As I drove him thinking of the night, a huge smile came on my face. I turned on my adult music, maybe I could let pre mom Toi out every now and again!! Just maybe!! Oh and who won a gift certificate for the next visit to Painting with a Twist?! Oh yeah!!
So it’s no secret that I don’t always make it to church. I would love to be there every week and do make an effort, but life happens and sometimes we miss the mark. Today I was able to get into the building. Today was the 100 year celebration of the church and school. It was a lot of people today. Standing room only type of crowd.
What I noticed most was this woman to my left who inspite of what everyone else was doing was tapping in for what she needed. Growing up I was always taught that if you can’t hear from the preacher, then maybe the choir will move you. If the choir won’t move you then maybe a greeting or hug will. I’ve been that woman in church today where life is going on but with tears streaming down my face I needed something more. I don’t pretend to know what that woman was praying, crying, or seeking for what I do know is I get it.
In the world of wants there will come a time where you will have a need. We all have had those times. You are no longer worried about the things that don’t matter as your mind and heart is bogged down that you shift your thoughts to only what you need. While you are in this mindset, you could care less who’s talking and why, who don’t like you or agree with you-you just have a need. Life has a way of humbling everyone to this place. Like that woman, you get quiet, and the issues of your heart start to overflow.
Learn to tap into what you need more often. We are taught to be not be selfish but you will have to learn to have selfish moments. This is why women and mothers struggle with the balance of giving and pulling back. The struggle of the word no is important. Doing more for others who need to do for themselves, being a support to someone when you need support, giving your last and never being able to receive in your time of need are all examples of times when we have to learn to not always give in but find what we actually need.
Today you need a nap-take it. Today you need a break-take it. You need a bill paid and no money in sight but you can shift some things around and be a better steward of your finances. You need companionship but you really need to find out who you are, what you need and that will guide what you want.
Like that woman who tuned the service out; tune out negative vibes, negative folks, even negativity that you bring to the table and focus!! This is why self-care and self-love is super important. Practicing this daily helps for when life knocks you down. You’re better equipped to be able to tap into your needs. When you’re off balance you have to be reminded of what’s important than if you had actually only focusing on the necessary things in life.
Happy Monday to you. I’ve been missing in action and I stated that I would be. I’ll give all of the updates from my trip later this week. However I am back and back in the blog flow. I wanted to talk about this Monday is about support.
Support is the act of being there for a person. Support is supposed to be unconditional. If you have the right people in your life that show love without question it is an amazing feeling. Everyone in their own way wants to feel supported. Keep in mind that support in numbers may be super small. Support isn’t about a number but about quality of the support received.
For me support looks different now that I have changed my perspective of what I thought it was supposed to look like. It’s no surprise that when I moved from my family, I wanted support to mimic what I had left. Now on the real the man power of people I had readily available was scarce however I had to get to the point of learning that I could accomplish anything on my own. I felt after I learned that lesson slowly but surely my support system shifted.
I am not interested in people who just want to be a spectator in my life. The world can do that from a safe distance. However to give someone a front row seat in my life who didn’t earn it makes no sense. I had to learn that through break ups with people, getting hurt, and disputes. I had to get to the point of realizing those who support you don’t mimic that negative behavior. So now although my circle is super small it’s occupied by the right people who have been tried and true and that I give the same level of support in return. I couldn’t be a bad friend and expect to get superior friendship in return. Also with family yes they are supposed to be there no matter what but that’s not always the case either. Sometimes you have to love family from a far as well. I feel too with family you can’t take people for granted. Treat people well. I can say that I haven’t treated people well, in return have lost friendships and relationships with family. If you have ever found yourself in this situation the best way is to change. You may not get the relationships back but if you treat others right you can find others to replace what you lost. A lost isn’t truly a lost unless you don’t learn from the situation.
So to the group of folks who feel like there isn’t anyone in your corner, don’t wallow in what you don’t have. Do for you and in time those who are supposed to be there will be. Be honest about your mistakes. Learn from them and focus on what you need to do. I honestly know that the way life is set up if you try to drink water, workout, get healthy, be kick assed in your relationships, find your passion, and try to be your best version of yourself you won’t have time to do the extra things that don’t produce greatness. Stop wasting your time and energy into the things that will not get you to your next level. People are always talking about a glow up but won’t grow up and be their best selves.
Support real people. Be there like you want those to support you. Admit where you fall short. Be okay with making amends for where amends need to be made. Drink water, eat right, raise good kids, be a blessing instead of a headache and you will continue to grow!
The only time we talk about gratefulness is around Thanksgiving. You hear everyone repeat what they are grateful for. If you come from a big family as I do, by the time Aunt Sally speaks her gratefulness you’re almost tapped out. Do you know the power of speaking what you are grateful for out loud? It refocuses what you have and less on what you don’t. It will renew your mind to go after what you don’t have without negativity. It will allow others around you to get good vibes as well. When you see grateful people they seem to smile more. There lives may be in shambles but they know that trouble don’t last always. They seem perkier. They seem almost too unreal. The reason they seem unreal is because the world is full of life suckers and negative vibes. Choose to be the light in a dark world. Sometimes a simple smile can do it for someone. I watched my kids energy in a simple Snapchat video and it reminded me to slow down and relax. Or when I see my daughter accomplish a goal she thought she couldn’t its gratefulness that makes me stop and reflect. I look and see the Vegas devastation and some of the stories of heroism or the stories of how a man lost his wife but he was grateful for her smile everyday. Can you say the same? Will someone look back at the time you were here and say, they were genuine and loved life? If not you can change it. Life sucks no doubt, but if you change the lens you will be able to conquer anything thrown.
So I’ll start it out for you, what are you grateful for?
I am grateful:
- My life
- My health
- My husband
- My kids
- My job
- Good credit
- No debt
- Ability to love
- Ability to receive love
- This day
- My friends
- For my grandparents still being alive
- For my nieces
- My siblings and siblings in love
- My parents
- For working my marriage
- For good food in my home
- For the ability to have gas in my car
- For healing
- For a sound mind
- Loving love
- Being quirky
- For loving to celebrate daily days
- Being an organized person
- For being creative
The list can go on for pages and pages, what are you grateful for? Speak it and sit back and enjoy the blessings that God gave you as you speak it and list it. It changes you when you learn to live from a grateful heart. Be grateful!
I finally get it. Shout out to my parents, Charles and Rhonda but I finally get it. All the times I was yelling out how “grown” I was and my parents would come behind my rant, and burst my bubble, I would feel some type of way, I was wrong and they were totally right. But the reality is they were teaching me an invaluable lesson. A lesson I need to share with some of my adults who have yet to walk in what it is to be a grown man or woman.
As an adult its easy to think you have arrived when reality you have not. You think that age has finally granted you the right to speak up and do whatever it is you want until life hits you and find out real quick the difference between grown and an adult. After many conversations with other adults let me help some of you fake grown adults out a bit.
An adult by definition according to the law is anyone who is 18 years and up. How many 18 year olders are supporting themselves? Not many. However when they get in their feelings and want to talk they throw grown around and quite frankly not living up to it. There are 50 year olds that are doing the same. Your age doesn’t make you grown, its how you live your life that makes you grown. Just like when I was in college with a car but had a scholarship I was feeling myself except that my parents were still insuring my car. See if I really wanted to be grown I should have been fitting ALL of my bills. Yes I had two jobs and taking 19 credits and doing well, but the reality is I would have been financially supporting myself without their help then I could have hollered I was grown. My parents would have respected it. Trust and believe they awaited the day for me to be grown. All I had to do was use the energy of wanting to say I was grown and really be grown to get there.
Grown is when you can finance and deal with the repercussions of ALL of your actions. So if you fake grown and are pregnant with a baby that others will have to help you to support you just made an adult decision but ain’t grown enough to handle it. See now I can say I am grown. No one can say that they had to support me. When I had my kids, my parents didn’t shell out money for my children. They could just be grandparents and not feel like they were second parents in command. As much as anyone could have had so much to say at the end of the day, no one had to support me financially. I made a grown and an adult decision and still do this day.
See adulting will have you thinking the best of yourself when you aren’t in that place. Grown people do grown things. They can handle rejection, they can handle fall out from their decisions, they can stand on their own. You can’t call yourself grown when at the very sign of pain or hurt, you fall apart. You are just an adult that can’t take things. Grown folks are just grown and handle life has it comes. Now that isn’t to say that things won’t knock you down, but there are childish adults that whine and die if any one thing happens. Please understand where you are.
Here are examples of you being an adult but not grown:
- Someone having to pay your rent for you. Grown people provide for their housing. So if you are in the category of having to borrow money ALL the time you are an adult you are not grown. Grown people make an assessment of where they are financially and get their finances in order. If that means cutting back, not spending on things they don’t need, etc.
- If you always have to call someone else to fight your battles. Why can’t you hold an argument or disagreement? If you find that you always need someone to speak for you, or you only say what you need to say when your support system is there, you are not grown you are an adult. Grown people do as Kevin Hart, they “say it with their chest” and move on.
- If you have credit issues but refuse to deal with it, be grown open them past due bills and handle it. You may take forever and a day to get it together but you do it because you are grown and have to face the music.
- If you have offended someone, apologize. Yes this is hard to do but as an adult and one who wants to be grown be humble in my Kendrick Lamar voice.
- You lack accountability. Yes you are an adult. Yes you can do certain things, but accountability leaves from parent to child so you can become stable. The fact that you think of yourself as an island just because “nobody can tell you what to do” shows your lack of maturity. Handle your business but have the maturity to know when to let others into your space and when to let them go.
- Skipping responsibilities such as fathering a child you had, being a good mother, skipping work, not paying bills, etc this is an adult who isn’t grown. We ALL have been an adult that may have been messy in one or more of these areas, but when you are grown you are constantly trying to improve. Not going to work is not being an adult, that’s stupid. Yes stupid. If you don’t work you don’t eat. Stop relying on others to bail you out until you get your check next week because you don’t want to work and do what you need to do.
So to all of my adults that haven’t started walking in grown up things, get there. It’s going to take discipline. No one should have to carry another adult’s load. Things happen in life, that someone will have to help others but when this is your everyday life than you need to accept that although you are by age an adult, you are not a full-grown woman or man. Get there! Thanks to my mom and dad for busting my chops many a day. Especially when I wanted to make decisions that they would have had to deal with the fall out. I teach this lesson to my own kids. We can be friends when you can pay these bills is not just a thing that parents say but its a way of life. You can’t keep talking the talk but not walking the walk. You really have to be able to handle YOUR decisions. If YOUR decisions become a community response and it’s not just because you got sick, or unable to work, maybe you need less “grown” talk and more “grown” actions.
Many times we are all asked to donate to a cause. Especially in these last few months where disaster has seemed to take over. About 5 years ago I was presented with a decision to walk for Light the Night and I haven’t stopped since.
My co worker and friend Jen was diagnosed with cancer. This is someone who turned from merely a co worker to close friend and although I had moved from the city I had always known, our friendship didn’t end with distance. I had never really known too many people with cancer but I knew that being there to support her family was on the top of my agenda. Even though I was almost 2 hours away, I had to do my part. Seeing Jen change physically was a lot. It kept me humble. Her sons are around the same age as my 2 oldest kids. Thinking of what they had endured made me appreciate life more. I thought about Eric, Jen’s husband and how hard it was to help but at times feel helpless. Any time I saw Jen she smiled. I know she had dark days but she kept moving. It is with her strength that she has survived and kicked cancer’s ass. Simply donating to Light the Night wasn’t and still isn’t enough. When she formed the Lymphomanics years ago I knew I had to be apart and we as a team have been strong ever since.
Light the Night is more than just an organization that wants to raise money to bring awareness but it’s on a mission to find a cure. Jen had at her diagnosis, family and friends supporting her but what about the many others who do not! I have personally heard some amazing stories of survivors I wouldn’t have even known existed had I not gotten involved.
So again we organized. We came together and with various others we lit the night. It was an amazing experience. Seeing people from all walks of life set aside their differences. All of us having either been in support or others who had cancer, were a survivor, or were there in memory of someone who had unfortunately lost their fight.
I was glad to see that a lot had changed from last year. One was that the crowd was much bigger. The second is that the amount of sponsors had increased. Lastly the stage was bigger. The stage being bigger meant we are raising more money and that means that until we have a cure more families are being supported. Seeing the many lanterns lit was truly breath taking as we walked.
The walk isn’t something too grueling. I believe we cover about 2 miles. However it’s the stories, the energy, and the sense of leaving for just a moment our own lives and coming together that is overwhelmingly beautiful. From the kids to the adults everyone has a great time.
This year I want to shout out our team member Holly whose husband, Chadd who is kicking cancer’s ass this year. They welcomed a beautiful baby girl, Ellanora who to date is the youngest and newest member of the Lymphomanics.
Every year they end the walk with fireworks. It’s always a special treat to see. It reminds us that we completed the walk, we worked together and no one fights alone.
So the next time someone comes and asks you for a donation, consider helping. It’s not just about the money but it is about helping one another in this thing called life. Until next year!! Love you Jen and the Lymphomanics!!!
So you got the job, now what? It’s time to for your yearly review. Cue in the celebratory music and toss some confetti. You made it through and its now time to ace the review.
There are a few things you need to do before the review to ace it:
- One never get too comfortable. You know how you dressed when you first got the job verses after you been in your position let’s say 6 months after, cut it out. Always dress to impress. I do not care if you have been at your job for years. Dress accordingly. How you present yourself matters.
- Be on time. Have a track record of being on time. Life happens to all of us but trust and believe if you have a track record of being the “late one” it will come up. Get to work on time. Remember what you prayed for when you were in the faith line, get there, be on time, and work.
- Know your job and do it well. You can’t ace your review when you haven’t been doing your actual job. If you find in the midst of your job that there are areas where you aren’t doing your best, ask for help immediately and before your review. The amount of people who fluff off inconsistencies makes no sense. You do realize that your boss knows it and sees it. If training isn’t available then get yourself some. There should be a wealth of friends that you can call on that can assist you in getting a few areas on point. If not, get new friends. Either way your employer will appreciate the effort.
- Come to your review with areas that can be improved whether it be for yourself or for the company. Make sure it’s not a list of complaints only. This is called taking an initiative. Take it. Coming with suggestions even if it is secretly complaints will look better than just having complaints.
- Be on time for your review if not early especially if you are meeting in an area of your office or your boss’s office. Do not be late.
- Watch your tone and your language. You should be authentic but keep it mind it’s a job. I am a direct person but in certain arenas knowing the climate of your company matters.
During your review please bring a pen and a pad to write down notes. One of the most irritating things you can do is come to your review unprepared. This will come off badly. Smile, and look your boss in their eyes. Communication starts as soon as the meeting starts. If you find there is an area of improvement, take the criticism graciously. Do not try to over explain. Just note it and improve. If you disagree, wait until its your turn to speak without cutting off your boss. If they have you write your comments down on your review sheet then do so. Make sure especially if you are asked to write anything to check your emotions before you write. You do not want to come off in a negative tone.
If you know that going into your review there are some areas that you KNOW you didn’t do well, think of ways to spin it. Reviews are like mini interviews and you should always treat it as such.
Lastly ask questions, ask if there is anything that you can do to improve even if you are a model employee. Never get comfortable in your position that you aren’t looking for ways to do better.
Congrats you have made it through another year!!