Boyfriend Drama

Having a boyfriend or girlfriend should be a nice welcomed addition to your life.  It can be fun, exciting, and new.  Sometimes when the newness wears off you may have a few things that lust allow you to check in the beginning.

love couple sunset sunrise

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Are You a Real Couple?

Huh? Yes did you know that some folks get together and think its all love between them but in the end you may not even have had the talk.  You actually need to communicate that you and your boo are really an official couple.  Do NOT ever miss this step.  Even if you two had this conversation over sex, have the conversation again outside of the actual bedroom.  This will save you a few weeks in and possibly a heartache.  Being on the same page is the biggest thing that couples will need to be sure they are on.  Also what is your dating goal?  Casual? Dating towards a future? Kicking it?  FYI kicking sometimes means kicking it for sex alone, so be clear!

Jealousy

There is a healthy dose of jealousy in any relationship but when you find that the jealousy leads you not to both be able to live active lives separately and come together then, sis you get a problem.  No relationship should have micromanaging as part as criteria.  This is unhealthy.  I am married and the thought that I would be micromanaging my husband or he me makes me tired just thinking of it.  Two individuals need to be that-two individuals that are dating to see if they are compatible or just dating to date. Also micromanaging someone is a lot of work.  Its draining! This energy could be used to start a business, get physically fit, make money, something other than knowing where another individual physically is.  I am not taking time to smell body parts, checking mileage, checking phones, etc

Cheating

Cheating isn’t everyone’s deal breakers.  I think it should be.  The amount of disrespect it takes to do the most against the one you claim you are in love with or even a strong like, is sheer madness to me!  Also keep in mind the amount of STD that are out here in world makes zero sense to put my life at risk for a relationship.  Let me plug that no relationship is cheat proof.  Please manage your sexual health.  Do not tell me how long you have been with your love a reason not to get checked on a regular basis.  I wrote a blog on a previous doctor telling me that as a married woman who I didn’t need to be checked regularly.  She got the business.  I would be less worried about body count and more concerned with clean sexual health and great health practices.

Space Please

When I met my husband back in 1999 he was my first and my first adult relationship.  Not having someone manage our time we found ourselves up under one another all the time.  In the beginning I thought how great it was but there came a time where it became unhealthy.  Being up under someone all the time will wear down one or both of you.  Back up! Give space.  Even if you and your boyfriend have decided to live with one another, space is necessary.  Go and still hang with friends, continue the same dreams you had before you got all Ella Mai “Boo’d up.” Did you go to work?  Yes still go and get work done.  Don’t mess up your coins just to be on your phones, losing focus, or taking off to spend days with no love interest.  Being employed and in love is better than Broke and in Love!

bed blanket female girl

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All up in The Business

Learn to keep folks out of your business.  The more hands on deck, the more complicated things can and will be.  Everyone doesn’t need to know every time there is an argument or fall out.  You do know everyone is going  to be as forgiving.  People wonder why there friends and family members can barely have descent relationships with their significant others and one answer is they know all the tea.  It’s hard not to give a side eye to someone who keeps off as raggedy human beings.  So to keep the drama down, keep folks out of your business!

If you are embarking on a new love take precaution.  Get to know the one you are taking this chance on.  Keep your life as rich as it was! Take your time.  Get to know how this new person reacts when they get mad with you and others around them.  Also if they have kids but aren’t active with them, find that out too.  No man should be out here making a whole new life and neglecting their kids.  No man who won’t care about his own flesh and blood won’t care about the things that concern you.  That’s a word! Too many women letting me dick them down that don’t even know what grade their kids are in.  If your new love doesn’t want you to be healthy, run! A man should want to get his life together and definitely would want their new leading lady to live her “best life” too!

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Love is….Misunderstanding

Whew! That’s all I got! It started off tonight in so much love! Then it dipped into the abyss of foolery and real quick.

End of day when you are in a relationship and one or both are unfulfilled it breeds problems. It don’t matter if you are a popsicle stick licker or a CEO of a company, being unfulfilled will damage you both! I’ve never believed that you can’t be with someone from different parts of the pond but make sure that your partner is on their way to finding their passion!

Let me take a moment to shout out Angela in owning her moment. Black women getting the chance to be in the “boys club”and be successful was unheard of! Nuri needed to focus on her career and choose. Choose between love and relationship. Sounds familiar?! Even now the tax to be a woman, mom, and a great employee or a business woman is always up for debate….

It’s undeniable when you finally get your moment the glow up is real! Nuri is shining but Yasir……

Sometimes Love is….Triggers

We think that once we find love that it’s so intoxicating but one part of intoxicating love is that it brings to the surface things that you try to repress. Love makes you address yourself. This is why even when you become a parent, this new love for your child can do the same thing.

Love triggered Nuri to address some dark parts of her past. It made her the most vulnerable with Yasir in a way she wasn’t prepared for. I can definitely understand that love. I know for myself when I met my husband back in 1999 being able to let my guard down was great, scary and unfortunately fortunately (yes I meant that) uncovering.

So understand that I would encourage a lot of singles to work on themselves more than just seeing the world, more than securing the bag, but taking the time to address mental, physical, and emotional issues as much as possible. This is the work that will continue throughout your love relationship. This is why you don’t want to interlink yourself with just anyone. Don’t give your vulnerability to just anyone who doesn’t have the ability to openly love on you but love you through………..

Breastfeeding Month: The Real

So happy breastfeeding to all the mommas who have chosen to embark on the journey. Let me say now that my only major concern for babies is that they are healthy and are fed. I have 3 kids and they all have been breast and formula fed. I’ve never been the type to advocate so much for breastfeeding that I’ve mommy shamed another woman for choosing what works for her. Breastfeeding is not just about getting milk to a baby but it takes a toll on a woman’s body and mind. Do what’s best for you, your baby, and your mental health. Let me break down from my experience the real behind the scene issues:

My eldest baby

My eldest is now 9 and won’t remember if I gave her formula or not but when she was born 6 weeks early I wasn’t sure what method of feeding I would do. I considered formula for the convenience. Soon as she was born I was encouraged to breastfeed to help her get stronger. I wasn’t able to have her latch so I pumped her milk. I was doing well but even with a lot of production she wasn’t gaining a whole lot and I was told to put her on a formula that was specifically for premature babies. If you have ever paid for formula you know that it’s not cheap to begin with. So this new formula was even more expensive.

I didn’t feel a sense of guilt for stopping the breastfeeding journey. The delivery was so traumatic that as long as she was healthy I didn’t care. I didn’t have a lot of folks shaming me and to be honest she was in the NICU and between visits, healing from a c-section, and my emotions all over the place I might have given out a 2 piece to folks. My body was doing the most but I do remember being super engorged, in pain, etc. Getting past the pain and making the choice I did for her worked out for us.

The Middle Child

My son, whew he was the picture perfect pregnancy. He was due September 20th and came September 12. So having gone full term I was just happy. I wanted to breastfeed right off the bat because when I had the eldest the nurses was so good at helping me that I wanted to try again. So I embarked on the journey again. He was 7 pounds 4 ozs. at birth and yet I was told he was too small and I was pretty discouraged to breastfeed from my nurses and told to formula feed him. This was not what I had experienced the first time. I think because I was dealing with serious postpartum depression I didn’t even speak up for what I wanted.

Guilt set in. But the guilt was being hammered by the postpartum and I gave into the formula feeding to be honest. My son went from newborn clothes straight to 3-6 months clothes. He was huge. All of the doctors saying “see what I said.” Let me say what I know now is that I should have asked for a Lactation consultant. I should have trusted my intuition. I could have kept on going but I allowed other voices to be my guide.

My littlest

My younger baby boo and I had a traumatic pregnancy and delivery. From the blood clot in my brain to hemorrhaging and having to be readmitted for internal bleeding I was still determined to breastfeed. The extra week in the hospital I was readmitted the same day I was discharged and that was when my milk came in. The nursing staff actually had to pump me physically. I had too many things going on and was focused on living. Shout out to University of Penn for the amazing nursing staff!

My husband had all three kids and I pumped what I could and supplemented with formula. The week came and went and I was discharged and went home nervous that after a week my newborn wouldn’t latch. She did and that started out our journey!!

However let me highlight a few things that most if not all breastfeeding moms know:

  • My daughter wouldn’t take a bottle. It didn’t matter if the bottle was shaped to be close to an actual breast or not. When I first had her I had her at work with me for 6 months and when I took her to daycare despite having a ready supply of frozen milk she wouldn’t take it. She would literally not eat all day until I picked her up. I took her to a Lactation consultant and her pediatrician and eventually had to stop working to nurse her on demand.
  • Yes I tried the give her a bottle with her dad or another family member, she wouldn’t even take it not even from me.
  • I spent more nights worrying about her intake
  • I was worn out and stressed out
  • I was a human pacifier and bottle
  • The Benefits

    • Not having to worry about making a bottle and always ready
      Weight loss I went down to my pre-pregnancy weight with nursing before my 6 week check up
      Baby was healthy and is my healthiest child now
      Bonding was immeasurable-til this day she’s super close to me

    What folks don’t talk about:

    Nursing is a mental and emotional job! I say job because outside of general care of a baby, there are cluster feeds aka when your baby can and will want to eat more than the 2 hours apart. There are growth spurts. There is mastitis. The pain and agony to get passed that has my breast hurting as I type. Also if you don’t have a lot of encouraging family surrounding you it makes it hard. You have support systems that say mean things like, “you’re not giving them enough.” “That baby would sleep if you gave him/her cereal.” “You’re doing this so nobody else can hold the baby.” “Cover up.” These are the types of reasons why breastfeeding involves more than that just feeding a baby. It is mentally and emotionally demanding.

    Pumping mothers

    This is just as hard to do as it is to have a child directly breastfeed. Some women are hard pumping at work all day and that is a lot of work! Some women prefer pumping over the traditional breastfeeding. It is not easy. You see pictures of women who have these stashed or milk that look like they could feed an army or babies and then you second guess what you are producing. Some women naturally over produce. Some do not! A women especially if she’s going back into the work force after maternity leave are stressed out trying to prepare as much milk as they can!

    Saying things like eeew that’s gross, just stop! Even if you never had a child learn to mute your words if you can’t find something positive to say! Mommas are our here giving life to our future! Formula or breastfeeding it don’t matter. What you don’t understand don’t always need a clap back! Learn to support one another no matter!

    Would I do it again? Absolutely but luckily I don’t have to!! I enjoyed the time with each child in their journey and it didn’t matter that I had to supplement, pump exclusively, or have that time cut short. I made it through and did what was best for me at the time.

    Grateful for my time!

    I was about to go 2.5 years with my youngest and that is a super power well within itself! All of the crying I did over spilled milk! Yes this is a thing. After I worked hard to get milk together having it spill will evoke real tears! All my breastfeeding mommas know what I mean!!

    So to all moms do not mommy shame someone else for their choices. If you breastfeed you know the mental and emotional anguish you have chosen. As natural of a process its supposed to be, there are women who can’t and women who feel bad for not choosing the option! All women who are taking care of babies could use a little extra love for its not as easy as we mommas make it!

    Recently the law was passed that all mothers in all 50 states can breastfeed in public. Regardless of where you stand on the covering up of a mother or not she has a right to feed her child. I personally never breastfed my child in public without a cover but I’ve seen other moms do it and it doesn’t bother me. I usually give a smile or head nod to let them know that I understand!

    Little side note: most babies burn up under those cute little cover ups and they will pull themselves out of it but still nurse! So sometimes the babies are letting you know let them alone!

    If you have chosen to breastfeed, congrats on your journey!

    Extra Nugget: Let me end by saying to all women or men please mind business when it comes to asking a woman whether she’s having a baby or not. It’s her decision and you don’t get a choice in meddling in someone’s uterus. If you see a woman and she looks like she put on weight, it’s disrespectful to ask are you pregnant? If she wanted you to know she in her time would announce it! It’s actually disrespectful to ask how far along are you?! You don’t know what’s going on with that woman! Let us be our brother and sister’s keeper and be mindful of our words and gestures!

    Happy national breastfeeding month!

    To Toi or Not to Toi…Throw her back edition

    My kids when see me jamming out to an “old skool” jam always ask how was I before kids? I always laugh and tell them I was super fun. I was but I try to incorporate that into my present life as well. However my life from its blast from the past until now is not quite one in the same.

    Social Butterfly Natasha

    Back in the day especially in college I was a lot more adventurous. I remember coming home from college that first semester and being super disappointed because the clubs weren’t the same. The people I was around wasn’t as outgoing as they were at Penn State. I was bummed out. I actually like a true nerd walked around Walmart crying when I saw the back to school supplies and knew I wasn’t going back to school. Either way without alcohol I still was the type to not miss a party and not miss the opportunity to dance the night away! Now I have moments when that happens. I’ve exchanged my dancing shoes and that’s fine too!!

    I had an alter ego like Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce and her name is Natasha. I say is because I can call on her in any moment. She’s definitely ruthless and more cut throat in her techniques. She’s outgoing and doesn’t care. Natasha is on standby ready to be tagged teamed in.

    Drama Queen

    Depending on who you ask I still have residual drama queen tactics and will call upon my petty when necessary. Back in the day I never came out of petty mode. I used to be dripping in petty. I could pop off without being provoked. Now a days I stray away from that instinct because it really isn’t necessary. No more days fighting and arguing with folks over stuff that don’t matter. Momma I’ve made it!! Super far cry from the past! Now I just watch people more and if something doesn’t seem right I just disengage. I try not to get too involved with things that no longer serve a greater purpose. I know that sounds cliche but the reality is I don’t have that kind of time like I had or gave into!

    Who got feelings?!

    I definitely had feelings but a lot of times I would be the one to say what I needed first, oh how dumb I was in my early 20s. Hurting people’s feelings should have been a class cause I would have aced it!! I wasn’t always as diplomatic or politically correct as I try to be now. Such a defense mechanism to hurt first so the other person wouldn’t realize they hurt me. As a full adult who takes credit for her wrongs I know that isn’t the way to handle things.

    Sharp as a whip

    My mouth really is a two edged sword. I really can end people or at least that’s how I came off. First of all I like to argue. I like to go back and forth and in the right energy which most times were the worse energy I could end you without breaking a sweat. I definitely grew up around no nonsense parents and they ain’t play and I felt like I definitely took that and ran with it. I could appear the good girl and catch you off guard and come for you. It’s funny how all of these reality shows show this type of woman and I could have given any network major ratings before it became a style. Now I’ve stopped watching these shows and moved on from this behavior.

    All of these things could be seen as negative. I could hear someone say why even tell people this?! Simple it’s what made me, ME! Flaws are a spice of life. Although the parts of me that are deemed negative, I’ve worked constantly on. This is how you have growth. When I could have read someone for filth but I have to eat it, I know that’s growth!! This doesn’t mean that I won’t ever tap into any of these parts when necessary. I will and do. If Natasha has to come out then so be it. She can make an appearance but she has to go back in the vault. I don’t live in negative spaces like it’s a full time job.

    Oh and by the way even if you never blog about it, you too have to live with the private and public persona and challenges. You too have to make a decision to allow what’s made you over take you! We all are flawed I’m just the first to admit it!

    So for today’s #tbt (throw back Toi) I can admit that my life has changed from my younger immature days. I am constantly proud of my life and I’ve come a long way when I was taking over from the 99 and the 00! (I know you read that in your best Juvenile voice)

    Love is…A Reality Check

    Momma can call your shit out like no one else. You can pretend for anyone but yo momma and this episode sweet Jesus didn’t come to play.

    Man that don’t take care of his family….

    One kudos to Nuri for making Yasir was accountable to his child. No one on this planet should ever be with a man who doesn’t take care of their child. Period! If you’re dating a man with a child and you aren’t helping him be a better man, and father you are trash. Men have to be better at being there for their own kids. I was always taught by my own momma a man who won’t take care of their child, won’t take care of anything in regards to you.

    So let’s talk about the big blow up with Nuri, Destiny (Yasir baby mom) and Yasir:

    Momma called a spade a spade. Although she is one who contributed to a fault with how Yasir ended up she was still willing and able to let Yasir know to knock it off and respect his child’s mother. Nothing is sicker to me than a mother who enables h r son then plays dumb when the ish goes left!!! Sorry but the reality is you know your son ain’t worth the dust on the ground either help him to be better but don’t cradle him in his mess. I can’t even respect a mom who does that. Thankfully Loretta Devine, held no punches and had me standing up like get him momma!

    Destiny showed depth to her small role as Yasir’s son mother. The anger and the pain she portrayed. Listen when you see a woman who laid down and gave her all even in child-birth to a man and that man leaves for whatever reason; that pain is incomparable. It’s almost too strong for words. She is doing the work to give life to his dream while she slowly dies…. no wonder the anger we think we see in black women is misplaced. The weight of the world is sometimes too much.

    Passion of Black Women

    Listen, the hard work, long hours, etc are a lot. However after going into work and having to deal with stereotypes, and people being passed up, etc for a job that you can’t even be passionate about is something that WE know oh so well. Being told that as a woman you’re not good enough or you’re too much maybe next time, is debilitating. It’s hollow, senseless and numb that we can be the vision that a job needs and sometimes the favor of a department and still not be enough… whew the hypocrisy.

    I was sooooooo happy to see that a project came up for Angela but the roles were so scarce in the 90s. All of this black girl magic and we are left to find ways to create in places that wasn’t made to hold our creativity?!

    There may be more blogs from this one episode cause I plan to re watch it again!!

    Fizzle Chronicles

    Oh love you are amazing! You give me goosebumps! You make me feel like I can do anything! Ever have that feeling? It’s amazing isn’t it?! However if you really been in love with the right one you know there are times when things can go left and quick! So how do you deal with the fizzle of love?!

    What’s love got to do with it?

    I think one of the many faces of love is work. We have been conditioned from society and movies that a man finds a woman and they live happily ever. So sweet! What we know is that happily ever comes from two happy, sound and whole individuals who arrive at a balance and work together. Love is amazing but without keeping it balanced will lead to this false sense of what love looks like. This can be super damaging.

    Love stories vs Real Life

    When I first got married I had every intention of having anything and everything say wife. Wife shirts, wife socks, cups anything. I was going to wear lingerie at least 3 days a week and make extravagant meals. Oh how television can be a real drag when real life hits! Can you do all of those things yes you can but keeping it spicy means getting spice and being realistic. I definitely didn’t meet that expectation I put on myself in our first year! However truth moment: I didn’t put any effort at all. So between being a sex kitten and sleep deprived there is a happy medium.

    Celebrate the Moments

    When I first got married I asked seasoned married folks what they did to survive. I got all kinds of answers but the one that stuck with me the most was celebrating moments. I talked to my husband and we decided to incorporate that in our own marriage. So we celebrate man-made holidays, our own fun and we celebrate each other’s successes and laugh and cry together at our failures. So that may mean a glass of wine for landing a new client, to celebrating each other individual success such as when I hit 1000 followers on Twitter for the blog. Every little thing is celebrated as much as possible. This keeps things light even in the dark days that come and go! The way you celebrate can be super small from a favorite treat to a great day night.

    Women can plan date nights

    My husband is A1 on dates. That’s always been his thing! From our first date to the most reason he knows how to plan a night for two. As I’ve gotten more secure in my own skin, I’ve stepped up to the plate. This means planning and organizing dates from the sitter to the drop off. I definitely feel like a boss when that check comes to me and I can happily pay for it! I also just like he does me make sure he knows he got to put out at the end! It’s fun! It’s fun planning and watching him enjoy a night just like he does for me!

    Sex

    We all know the one area that love can fizzle and that’s in the area of sex. I don’t know about you but whether married or not if I’m in a committed relationship, sex is happening. There are a millions reasons as to why sex becomes an issue. The solution is connecting outside of the bedroom so it can be lights out in the bedroom. If your partner isn’t getting what they need outside of the bedroom then the couple AND individual have to do their part to set it straight. Ladies I get it, but don’t let that man suffer in the bedroom because you and him aren’t willing to do the work outside and same for the men!

    It Takes Two

    Thanks to Rob Base we know a lot of things takes two and it definitely takes two to make a thing go right! Two individuals bear the responsibility in their individual and coupled success. Work needs to be done! Fizzles happen the most when you take your eyes off of the balance in life. Kids are a handful, work can be draining, and life well it can suck! However you have the power to balance yourself and balance the love you and your sweetheart have made!

    Take the time to focus on the fizzle and spark it back up! You owe it to each other!!

    To church or not to church… your choice but heal from past hurt!

    I get a lot of people are hurt by the church body. If you don’t understand what church body that means that 9 times out of 10 they went to a church who has left a bad taste in their mouth and now feel like the church as a whole has failed them. This isn’t one of these blogs that says you have to go to church. This is for the folks that I know that are like me who have been burned and want to go. So miss me with the whole “omg I don’t want to listen to a sermon.” That ain’t how this blog is rolling!

    There are a lot of truth to the pain that folks have endured especially depending on where you go and who you are under. Every church body that identifies themselves as whatever they choose have certain rules and regulations that can be harmful for people who are hurting to begin with. I grew up in church all of my life. I’m talking about that bible study twice a week, usher meeting, choir rehearsal no family time on Saturday and all day Sunday type of church. Being a child and not able to govern what I wanted to do in the case of church or spirituality there were zero options. I was in the building even even I didn’t want to be.

    A lot of principle I have taken with me. I choose now not to take like the be in the building every day principle. I think that is team too much but I don’t knock those who insists that works for them. I too have been burned by church folks aka the folks in the building. It’s no secret. I’ve had to block many of the folks I’ve once attended services on social media. Why? Real simple any time I’ve spoken on my experiences it’s been an issue. No harm no foul I get it they are deep in. Kudos to you. I choose to live with balance. I choose to make sure that with all of the hours of being inside of the building that my life outside of the building looks right on and off social media. Most importantly I am grown. As much as I want to blame God or the people in a particular church, I’ve since moved on from that target of pain. I still don’t deal with my old pastor however I have said my peace about it and him. I wish him well but he’s not my spiritual leader. There’s nothing wrong with that it is what it is.

    Disclaimer: I have a lot of my home family and friends who will read this blog and would love to spin this into a thing. I have like a lot of my blogs edited it. I will not edit myself in person if you attempt to try me and make this into more than it is.

    People we’re all in their feelings with gospel singer Le’ Andria went left but she spoke no lies it was her delivery that folks was up in arms over. We have to stop thinking that folks hurt and pain can be wiped away with a prayer alone with the ones who are out here hurting don’t take responsibility for their actions. Charity or love starts at home and needs to be brought back in the households of faith. If the world is hurting, surely coming from dysfunction into a spiritually dysfunctional place will not heal them just cause you use Jesus name. That was a word for some that didn’t catch it. Also leaders are flawed. Leaders are men and women and outside of Gods hand will do, and do things they shouldn’t. We got to stop setting these pastors on peddle-stools. A lot of folks know what the pastor said and none on what God says. We don’t even study we just go with the flow. We don’t ask questions because asking questions is disrespectful. This mindset is one tootsie roll to that of a cult!

    I no longer use my old church, the folks in it and anything that happened while I was there in my youth to sway me from my spiritual journey. I used to use that excuse but after awhile even I had to come to the realization that folks is going to be them. If they off at home no wonder they spew offness over a whole congregation and their people live off lives outside the building. Listen I got a slew of flaws. I got folks that would be deaf to anything I say or do based upon old interactions. I could give them the opportunity to start over again but the reality is when folks don’t like you no matter what you say or do they won’t receive it! So I choose to live life in balance.

    If you are struggling with going into the house of God or at least where man has placed his name, dont go back to the place that hurt you. You don’t have to vomit and go back to it! If you’re sick, there are a million and one other hospitals to go to. Find your spiritual path. Make sure not to drag the pain with you forever. I promise you, you can live a balanced life, and still find what you need.

    To the past church members that I have offended let me say I’m sorry for my actions as well. However when I wish you well I mean it. To the ones who have offended me I have dropped the charges mentally and emotionally.

    I know that Sunday morning plays all kinds of games on those who struggle to find their way! I am a living witness that you can move past pain that the good “church folks” have given you! It doesn’t have to end your church career. However I would caution you from church hopping to avoid what you left. I would employ you to deal with it. No matter how messy it is, or how painful it is. You deserve to be made whole and understand that may not come from the ones who hurt you! Don’t do like me and attend Bedside Baptist to avoid folks! Folks is folks they gon be them until the end of time. Find what works for you that is your initial direction. It’s not about having “itchy ears.” It’s about finding a place that will guide you and that won’t put a stamp of approval on your stuff but also isn’t afraid to admit when they too aren’t aligned and then do the work to get aligned!

    Happy Sunday morning!!