So tonight I pushed past my anxiety. Yes I deal with social anxiety at times and it’s annoying but it’s apart of my life for right now. I never went through this in college weird enough but a lot of that had to do with being a freshman and trying to do it all. You know that wild college student that would be on a table that was me.
Fast forward to after college Toi and now at times I find that meeting up with others is a chore. The kind of chore where I back out quickly and because I have kids sometimes it’s real and other times my kids are my get out of jail free card. My husband is the polar opposite. He’s always been super outgoing and still is. It’s crazy when we go to places. It seems that he’s more inclined to be in the front and I’m content with disappearing. So although I am not the wild child that I once was when I was trying to find myself in college, I’m still just as easy-going as I remember and I am finding that instead of allowing my anxiety to get the best of me, I’m pushing past it and getting out. Maybe not the type of college crazy but the essence of who I am is still there.
A bigger issue with getting out was adjusting to motherhood. My first daughter was a preemie and with asthma too. There were more hospital trips than anything. I kept to myself because no one seemed to understand how I balanced working full-time, being at the hospital all night and with literally no sleep pushing through. I learned how to keep my circle tight. Moving to Philadelphia like I’ve blogged about many times was overwhelming. I relied on my husband for everything. I didn’t even drive for the first months even though I had my own car.
Fast forward to my life now I’m pushing through. Losing weight, being a good mom, working full-time, blogging, and meeting new friends. Slowly but surely I’m getting out and enjoying life. Tonight I had the opportunity to meet up at Painting with a Twist with Mocha Moms. Mocha Moms is an organization that is a support for women of color who are mostly stay at home moms. Now you know that I work full-time and there are other moms who work as well. When I first moved to Philadelphia I wanted to join. I was a stay at home mom then but my anxiety kept me from being apart. Tonight I crushed that fear that I had almost 5 years ago.
Tonight’s meet and great while painting and sipping of course was everything. These women are like-minded, warm and I was myself from the beginning and didn’t feel the need to put on airs. I’ve been in group situations and you find yourself in the back and connect with maybe one another person, but not this group of women. Plus who can’t have a good time painting and sipping on wine?!
I am truly grateful for not backing out tonight. I’m super happy to have met these great women. As I drove him thinking of the night, a huge smile came on my face. I turned on my adult music, maybe I could let pre mom Toi out every now and again!! Just maybe!! Oh and who won a gift certificate for the next visit to Painting with a Twist?! Oh yeah!!
As many of you know, I had a full hysterectomy. With that surgery it sent my body into menopause. For the most part it has been bearable. It has been 4 months since the surgery and I feel like I am just getting my body back.
So let me take some time to answer some questions that some readers have asked me regarding menopause:
- How long did the pain take to manage-I would say surgery wise that took about 3 weeks to heal. This is the initial pain that anyone who has had any uterus surgery goes through. It took about an additional 5 weeks to be able to move about without the pain being agitated during the healing process.
- Hot Flashes, are they controlled-I have to say I think not. I even with the hormone therapy replacement the flashes occur several times a week. It is annoying since before surgery I was a really cold person. The flashes can be overwhelming. I find myself stripping clothes off as soon as I get home. When I am at work, I immediately need my fan or I am in the bathroom with cold water compresses. However I will take it over bleeding every month.
- Sex after the fact was extremely hard in the beginning. I waited a little longer than I was cleared. It was painful and different. I think now I am doing a lot better and feel like my drive hasn’t changed from before surgery, but to say it was just so freely a great experience after surgery would be lie. Some women experience pan, dryness, and lose their desire to even have sex altogether. Every woman is different. Do not compare yourself to how you are reacting to another woman.
- Swelly belly-this is when no matter what you do, your body has told you how much you are doing is too much. You still at times look like a woman who has had a fresh baby. It’s annoying to say the least. I have come to terms that this is apart of the process. On days where my belly is normal, I celebrate with a great outfit.
- Mood Swings-they do exist but in my case I feel like its less than when I had a bunch of unruly hormones guiding me. I think the combination of self-care and the even dose of hormones through the hormone replacement therapy patch which gives me a low dose over time has helped. I have been better off emotionally.
Do I regret the surgery?
Absolutely not. I am 100% on board with my decision. For one physically I feel so much better. I do not have to be on guard about if a period is going to come or not. I do not have to carry unnecessary clothes in case of an accident. The lack of bleeding every month has decreased my previous diagnosis of anemia. I will get my final results by end of the month, but the test I had a few months ago was already looking great. I had already had my tubes tied before surgery so having more kids wasn’t in the cards. My husband supported that decision and to be honest it was the most selfish giving decision I could give myself. Shout out to the women who have had or will have the surgery or go through menopause naturally and unfortunately can’t or won’t experience motherhood. I do not take that gift of motherhood lightly. I do however love the fact that my sister in love is about to give me my baby fix this upcoming Spring.
I did what was best for my body. I do not regret it for a second even with the worst flash, or tiredness or even the feeling of being overwhelmed comes over me and sometimes at the same time, I find myself taking a deep breath and thanking God that I am on the path of healing.
To other menopausal women both young and old who may be reading this thinking how much of a negative experience you may be going through, or think I may be going through, remember that every woman experiences this change in different ways. I could have healed faster than another, doesn’t make me normal and you weird. What works for me may not work for you. I would say that if you are going through menopause I would applaud you to find out what self-care looks like for you both before, during and especially afterwards. Self care will refocus your thoughts as your body changes. It’s like going through the awkward teenage phase all over again. For some the changes in body odor, lost of hair or increase of hair, change in libido, lack of a period, or feeling like your body is experiencing a death from lack of having children even if children was never on your radar are all real experiences. How you navigate through will depend on you. Do not allow anyone to push what you should do. Always trust yourself and talk to your doctors.
One last thing is that going through menopause has made me realize that I can’t take my body for granted. This is why I try to be mindful of if I am doing the things that I need to keep my body at the best shape of my life.
Menopause is a phase of life that women go through regardless if it’s naturally or surgically induced know my fellow women I am with you and I understand.
So it’s no secret that I don’t always make it to church. I would love to be there every week and do make an effort, but life happens and sometimes we miss the mark. Today I was able to get into the building. Today was the 100 year celebration of the church and school. It was a lot of people today. Standing room only type of crowd.
What I noticed most was this woman to my left who inspite of what everyone else was doing was tapping in for what she needed. Growing up I was always taught that if you can’t hear from the preacher, then maybe the choir will move you. If the choir won’t move you then maybe a greeting or hug will. I’ve been that woman in church today where life is going on but with tears streaming down my face I needed something more. I don’t pretend to know what that woman was praying, crying, or seeking for what I do know is I get it.
In the world of wants there will come a time where you will have a need. We all have had those times. You are no longer worried about the things that don’t matter as your mind and heart is bogged down that you shift your thoughts to only what you need. While you are in this mindset, you could care less who’s talking and why, who don’t like you or agree with you-you just have a need. Life has a way of humbling everyone to this place. Like that woman, you get quiet, and the issues of your heart start to overflow.
Learn to tap into what you need more often. We are taught to be not be selfish but you will have to learn to have selfish moments. This is why women and mothers struggle with the balance of giving and pulling back. The struggle of the word no is important. Doing more for others who need to do for themselves, being a support to someone when you need support, giving your last and never being able to receive in your time of need are all examples of times when we have to learn to not always give in but find what we actually need.
Today you need a nap-take it. Today you need a break-take it. You need a bill paid and no money in sight but you can shift some things around and be a better steward of your finances. You need companionship but you really need to find out who you are, what you need and that will guide what you want.
Like that woman who tuned the service out; tune out negative vibes, negative folks, even negativity that you bring to the table and focus!! This is why self-care and self-love is super important. Practicing this daily helps for when life knocks you down. You’re better equipped to be able to tap into your needs. When you’re off balance you have to be reminded of what’s important than if you had actually only focusing on the necessary things in life.
Happy Monday to you. I’ve been missing in action and I stated that I would be. I’ll give all of the updates from my trip later this week. However I am back and back in the blog flow. I wanted to talk about this Monday is about support.
Support is the act of being there for a person. Support is supposed to be unconditional. If you have the right people in your life that show love without question it is an amazing feeling. Everyone in their own way wants to feel supported. Keep in mind that support in numbers may be super small. Support isn’t about a number but about quality of the support received.
For me support looks different now that I have changed my perspective of what I thought it was supposed to look like. It’s no surprise that when I moved from my family, I wanted support to mimic what I had left. Now on the real the man power of people I had readily available was scarce however I had to get to the point of learning that I could accomplish anything on my own. I felt after I learned that lesson slowly but surely my support system shifted.
I am not interested in people who just want to be a spectator in my life. The world can do that from a safe distance. However to give someone a front row seat in my life who didn’t earn it makes no sense. I had to learn that through break ups with people, getting hurt, and disputes. I had to get to the point of realizing those who support you don’t mimic that negative behavior. So now although my circle is super small it’s occupied by the right people who have been tried and true and that I give the same level of support in return. I couldn’t be a bad friend and expect to get superior friendship in return. Also with family yes they are supposed to be there no matter what but that’s not always the case either. Sometimes you have to love family from a far as well. I feel too with family you can’t take people for granted. Treat people well. I can say that I haven’t treated people well, in return have lost friendships and relationships with family. If you have ever found yourself in this situation the best way is to change. You may not get the relationships back but if you treat others right you can find others to replace what you lost. A lost isn’t truly a lost unless you don’t learn from the situation.
So to the group of folks who feel like there isn’t anyone in your corner, don’t wallow in what you don’t have. Do for you and in time those who are supposed to be there will be. Be honest about your mistakes. Learn from them and focus on what you need to do. I honestly know that the way life is set up if you try to drink water, workout, get healthy, be kick assed in your relationships, find your passion, and try to be your best version of yourself you won’t have time to do the extra things that don’t produce greatness. Stop wasting your time and energy into the things that will not get you to your next level. People are always talking about a glow up but won’t grow up and be their best selves.
Support real people. Be there like you want those to support you. Admit where you fall short. Be okay with making amends for where amends need to be made. Drink water, eat right, raise good kids, be a blessing instead of a headache and you will continue to grow!
Yes and no. I am human. I have bad days and good days. I can be up emotionally up and ready to take on the world one minute and having to be put on the prayer list to get out of the bed the next.
Positivity is overwhelming when you only focus on the low moment. I have so many goals that I’m working on that even in the busy days I get extremely overwhelmed myself. My husband is probably the only one who sees my lowest moments. They can be small to severe. He’s a trooper. We’ve been together and as a team he knows what to say to snap me back. I also push to be positive. The world has enough negativity that I try not to add more to it.
I also have expressed that I’ve suffered from depression. I have been in my past on medication during post partum and I’ve gone to professional counseling. I was taught the tools to come out of a negative jam. Also honesty is the best policy. See the way my life is set up I don’t have time to wallow. But I get how you would be overwhelmed. You are looking through the lens of your own life and try to measure. Don’t do that. We have different paths. You have no idea what things I’ve been through to get to where I am. Never compare what you think you see. I’ve learned this the hard way. You will be super disappointed if you do.
This is why I blog. So you can change the lens and direct it from the inside out and not the other way around. Try writing what it is about your life that you don’t like. Put it on paper than write what your grateful for. Then make a plan for each thing that you are struggling with and then work your plan. In doing this alone you won’t have time to focus on others. People including me will be in your rearview mirrow instead of in front of your windshield. Change your perspective!!!
It’s a good thing to be overwhelming positive if I could describe what my life was like years ago, it might scare you!!
The only time we talk about gratefulness is around Thanksgiving. You hear everyone repeat what they are grateful for. If you come from a big family as I do, by the time Aunt Sally speaks her gratefulness you’re almost tapped out. Do you know the power of speaking what you are grateful for out loud? It refocuses what you have and less on what you don’t. It will renew your mind to go after what you don’t have without negativity. It will allow others around you to get good vibes as well. When you see grateful people they seem to smile more. There lives may be in shambles but they know that trouble don’t last always. They seem perkier. They seem almost too unreal. The reason they seem unreal is because the world is full of life suckers and negative vibes. Choose to be the light in a dark world. Sometimes a simple smile can do it for someone. I watched my kids energy in a simple Snapchat video and it reminded me to slow down and relax. Or when I see my daughter accomplish a goal she thought she couldn’t its gratefulness that makes me stop and reflect. I look and see the Vegas devastation and some of the stories of heroism or the stories of how a man lost his wife but he was grateful for her smile everyday. Can you say the same? Will someone look back at the time you were here and say, they were genuine and loved life? If not you can change it. Life sucks no doubt, but if you change the lens you will be able to conquer anything thrown.
So I’ll start it out for you, what are you grateful for?
I am grateful:
- My life
- My health
- My husband
- My kids
- My job
- Good credit
- No debt
- Ability to love
- Ability to receive love
- This day
- My friends
- For my grandparents still being alive
- For my nieces
- My siblings and siblings in love
- My parents
- For working my marriage
- For good food in my home
- For the ability to have gas in my car
- For healing
- For a sound mind
- Loving love
- Being quirky
- For loving to celebrate daily days
- Being an organized person
- For being creative
The list can go on for pages and pages, what are you grateful for? Speak it and sit back and enjoy the blessings that God gave you as you speak it and list it. It changes you when you learn to live from a grateful heart. Be grateful!
There are so many things going on. Look on the “What’s Coming Up” section on this site for all of the month observances. With the shocking Las Vegas shooting that took place October 2, 2017 it is more important for us to develop some sense of emotional health.
Emotional health doesn’t always mean that your life is in order. Most times it may be the exact opposite. However in order to have your wits about you, you have to take time to get your emotions in check in order to proceed with your goals. So how does one get their emotional wellness in order? Here are a few ideas on how to maintain good emotional health:
- Know what your triggers are. Triggers are things that automatically send you into a tail spin. These triggers can come from loved ones, yourself, or strangers. They are words that are said, vibes that are given, and actions that take place that make gets you all kinds of upset or off your game. Know them and try your hardest to avoid them.
- Watch your company. Sometimes its in our company that we end up finding ourselves in the worst situations. Not everyone means you well. Once you realize this it will not always be easy but it will be necessary to make sure that you weed out those who no longer serve the bigger picture in making sure you are healthy from the inside out.
- Watch how you talk? Did you know that you can speak things into your life without even knowing it? It’s true there is power in your tongue so be careful how you speak to yourself, you are listening. This morning I had the cutest outfit but because swelly belly came out today I was thinking oh no I look ugly, fat, etc I had to change how I felt and speak the correct words. I do not need all of that negativity to follow me throughout the day.
- Say no-this is powerful. The two letters in NO can make people back off and up. If you are asked to do something that you will complain about later, than don’t do it. It’s like someone asked you for a ride but you don’t want to. You give them the ride in the thought of being nice, but others around you has to hear about how you didn’t want to, how they didn’t give gas, etc. Saying no will not harm you or them. They will find another way. You do not need to be the one who does everything for everyone.
- Take a time out-I say this with every self-care, self-love piece that I write but its true. You need a time out to regroup and gather your thoughts. There is something that will enlighten you when you learn to take some time to yourself. This doesn’t mean it will be an entire day but if you can take it. Sometimes it may be a few moments. It reminds me of the times I have to lock my bathroom door to prevent my kids from just walking in. Sometimes I am in there having a snack I don’t want to share, saying a do not kill prayer, or just reading a magazine without interruption. Take a break.
- Turn off electronics. I love my phone and laptop, but there are times I have to say no and not even engage. The way social media works, it can bombard you at a moment’s notice. A social media tune out is necessary to connect with others or those around you.
Your emotional health is just as important as your mental and physical health. Having hurt and pain follow you and yet you are doing nothing about it makes no sense. Tap out so you can tap in. Go see a psychiatrist if you need it. Go speak to an unbiased 3rd party if you need it. Deal with past hurt and pain so you and the people in your present and future won’t have to deal with what you won’t heal. Confront some things. Sometimes we think things are no big deal but I know for experience, bottled pain is the worst pain.
I had a friend recently share about her failing marriage and the concept of loving safely. People think that because your life from the outside looks perfect and you have things that you are in a lovingly safe environment. That could be furthest from the truth. Many hide from emotional abuse and do not speak up for themselves. God forbid if you are being financially abused on top of that and this is why so many stay in situations because they see no way out. Please make sure that you are loving safely. Loving safely no matter who you are with, or what your life looks like. Deal to heal.