September is a lot of things. I don’t know what it is about September but its a jammed pack month. However this month is self-care and self-improvement month. So if you follow this blog, and on any social media feed I am always pushing self care. I think it’s becoming a thing or a term that is thrown out a lot but not a lot of people understand what that means. Although it can mean different things to the person who is using it, the bottom line is you have to care and love yourself enough to engage in what YOU need or disengage in the things YOU don’t want to be involved in.
The opportune word is YOU. That is essentially what self-care is all about. Only you can determine what you need or what you don’t need. For instance I can go to an event and if I am ready to go I position myself to know what type of environment I am going to be in to know if I should drive myself or not even for family events. I try to in the instance of family events to stay as long as possible especially since my husband attends my side of events without issue and I do the same for his side of his family events. However depending on what the event is he and I have it set that if one of us is not wanting to stay longer to communicate and make an exit. If the individual wants to stay than its fine too but we make sure that no one person can put pressure to stay longer than mentally capable. Sometimes walking away, leaving, or excusing yourself is self care. I literally refuse to stay in a place I do not want to be in. I used to feel guilty however I have learned to do whats best for me. Self care may be not attending an event. I can’t tell you how many times I have not gone to something because I may have needed to relax or do my own thing. I may have needed not to be in an environment that is toxic. I happily will decline an invitation at this point. If asked I will say sorry but not sorry I can’t attend. A part of self care especially for me is realizing I am an adult I don’t owe individuals an explanation. If someone sends an invite its my decision to politely decline.
Another part of self-care is knowing when enough is enough. I had someone contact me. I didn’t even respond. I knew I may have responded wrong or come off as if whatever was done in the past was an issue when reality is the person didn’t add or take away from my life. However silence is always golden and I didn’t even need to engage so I didn’t. It doesn’t have to make sense but it was to continue in my peace. Anything that will have you mentally up in arms I don’t engage in. Anything where I would give more than 15 minutes to hash out is probably not for me. That’s why I am clear and don’t go back and forth with adults. There is no need to. That is a right that I have earned from stepping into adulthood. I can’t think of a reason for back and forth at this point in my life. I can agree to disagree and still go home and love on the ones I interact with daily. I can even disagree with the ones in my home without messing up the atmosphere of my home.
Self care may look like disconnecting. I am a lover of social media but I take small breaks away from it. Yes its great for pushing my blog, interacting with family, but sometimes it can be doing the most so I disconnect. I had a situation where I was arguing with a family member that I would have argued with offline but the point was, online for what? That one was on me. I was offended, but so what offenses will come. The world didn’t need to know that I was mad. I could have handled that better so I take ownership of it and will not allow it to happen again. I simply state what I feel and if someone comments, oh well. There are probably screenshots of that very conversation floating around and for what? So sometimes I don’t delete my social media that’s just crazy. I am in control. I never understood why adults can’t simply just not get on an app but that could be a part of their self-care so it is what it is. It’s no different from deleting or blocking. I could just not engage but for me blocking works. For me its simple my rule is simple I don’t socially block who I wouldn’t block in real life. I check my block lists every now and again and if I sit and engage with you than no need to block you. If I don’t and don’t plan on breaking bread with you, and I block your access to my real life, you can stay blocked on social media. I don’t need a door opened where I wouldn’t give you access to me otherwise. So no you don’t need to know about what me and my kids do when I don’t even reach out to you, talk to you, text you, email you, etc and don’t want to. Its simple. My life is simple these days because of the steps I take to keep it that way. Do you know the quietness but fullness of life I still have? Trust.
Self care and self-improvement by far is the biggest goal in life outside of raising healthy children and having a good marriage between my husband and I. It’s self-care daily practices that I use ALL the time. I buy myself weekly flowers, I love them and they make me happy. I journal daily because it keeps me grounded. I work out 2-3 days a week because I am maintaining a healthy lifestyle and it keeps stress down. I will go to bed and be okay with my husband putting the kids to sleep because I don’t have to do it all. I can take a mental time out because that is what is necessary for me. I can make sure that I am engaging in the little things that make me strong and healthy. Please find that out for yourself and instead of engaging in bad behavior. Find and engage in what is going to make you a better person. Also remember it may not make sense to a single soul, but if it makes sense to you, is keeping you grounded, positive, and hurts no one else than do it.
For self-improvement we all can improve on ourselves, daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. Everyday you should be striving to be better than your last. With that in mind I don’t really ever feel like I have fully accomplished my goals. I may complete some of them but there’s always another goal right in its place. Even in relationships I know there will come a time where the relationships that need mended will mend. The ones that don’t won’t. Everything is up to be changed and I am more than willing to walk in that change. You have to do the same for what your life needs.
So again as this month is supposed to encourage you to be about self care and self improvement.
So it’s national grandparents day. A day to say thank you to all of the grandparents for the things they have done. Salute to all awesome grandparents. Being a grandparent from my perspective of watching my own can be a very great ordeal. As a parent you work hard to establish boundaries and spend so much time raising kids but grandparents have already done it so often times they can be a wealth of knowledge, love, support, and fun times.
I want to send a message to heaven to my mother in law who was an awesome grandmother to my 3 kids. She always had their best intentions in mind. She loved on them as their own. She gave them all she could. So today in her absence we honor her. My kids adore her and her not being here is still affecting them. However with the crazy times she and I had the one thing I am super glad that although not ideal living with her gave my kids the best time with her. Love you Mom Mom.
Grandparents are such a stepping stone to life. However let’s talk about relationships that aren’t so glittery with grandparents. Sometimes it’s an extension of torn relationships with parents. I know of parental issues that trickle down to kids causing generational struggles. Not every grandparent has memories with their grand kids where cookies are being made or sweaters knitted. Sometimes there are constant fights and struggles that keep relationships stagnant. These fights can put a hamper on a relationship and make them non existent. Both kid and grandchild loses!
Listen there are grandparents that are in their 30s who still club and go out and don’t even see themselves as a grandparent. Thus the term glammom is now a thing. Grandparents don’t look like big momma anymore. It’s not my place to judge. However coming from someone who had that big momma spirit in her life it’s important. Grandparents should teach you by example. They don’t usually have to yell and act as a parent. You usually want to glean from their wisdom. Big momma was the foundation of a family even when grandfather was there.
I do want to shout out my great grandparents who were the ones who gave me extra cake. They took me fishing and showed me how to plant a garden. They let me stay up late to watch tv just as long as I was up and ready for church on Sunday. I’ve never met more genuine people like my great grand grandparents. They prayed for me and loved me and on me as long as I could remember. I can still hear their voices calling me their sweet baby. I don’t even know how many of us there were but trust me it’s a lot of us and the number is still growing. They gave us collective and individual love. Thank you Mom and dad who allowed us the Summer to spend with them. Those memeories I cherish in their earthly absence.
I also want to shout out my grandparents as well. Let’s start with my mom’s Mom who helped raise us. She is one of the people I can call who will not judge me. Her love is unconditional. If I called her and said I had a body she wouldn’t even blink and would know what to do. Her conversations are rough and to the point and she doesn’t sugar coat. This is most likely why my Mom is to the point like I am. However I remember having the best spaghetti this world has ever had. I have great memories with her. I’m glad she’s still here to continue making more. My kids call her GG!!
Also to my dad’s parents who are great too. I was in a car accident in 2001 where I dislocated my left shoulder. I had to stay with my grandparents who lived a mere few houses away from my parents so I can sleep in their reclining chair. My grandfather woke up all through the night to get me medicine and we would eat black cherry vanilla icecream just he and I with his famous homemade cake. This was nightly. I was feeling some type of way when I knew my icecream runs would stop and I had to go back to Penn State. Oh and my grandma makes the best rice. They both have had their times when they went out of their way to make sure something I needed was taken care of.
To my parents who I love. They are grandparents to 5 and I hold my breath on that number. However Hanmom (my oldest couldn’t say grandma when she was a baby and now the name has stuck with the rest) and dad dad as they are called do great things with all of the kids. Just the summer they turned their yard into a slip and slide and all summer long there wasn’t a cookout that wasn’t had. Christmas is super fun with all of the kids ripping presents, eating food, and having the best cousin time. Memories are being made. I hope when they look back at their child hood that they too will have great memories especially now that my parents are the only grandparents they have between my husband and I. I am only speaking on them as grandparents as my kids still have their set of great grandparents from my dad and mom’s side still here as well.
My hope is that for the estranged grandparents and there are many, to make it right with your kids or attempt. As much as I hear that things should be in the past the real reality is that you have to deal with the past to move forward. You can’t simply throw it under the rug or act like it’s not a big deal just because you don’t want to deal. There are grandkids who have never met their grandparents because of that reason.
To the surrogate grandparents aka the honary grandparents who has shown extreme love to someone that they have invited you into their heart, salut!! You have no idea what that says about your character as a person. I am not one who takes in people often but when I do they have to be so dope of a person that I feel I would be losing not to take them in as my own. I have been fortunate to meet some of those awesome people. Their value is amazing. If someone calls you grandma or grandfather especially if not by birth walk in that beautiful calling.
To all grandparents near and far even the ones in heaven ToiTime salutes you!! Enjoy your day!!
Happy Monday to you. Happy I am just making it Monday. Happy I am alive Monday. Whatever your Monday looks like to you, make it that and rise above it. Yes the weekend has left some of us dry. If it wasn’t the news that is constantly being pushed in our faces, to relationships, situationships, kids, jobs, etc you may be at wit’s end.
So we all know that we need to protect our spirit. Your spirit is your essence. It’s your wits. It’s you in a nut shell. I know there are many times when I have to take a time out. I give my kids one and have no shame in taking one. You need to protect your essence. All of life’s drama can take the beauty out of you if you let it. Today I am even more guarded to keep being informed but to filter some of the junk to avoid getting too overly emotional or let things take me out of my element.
Life is hard but cover yourself today and everyday. Cover your children who don’t fully understand but are in the presence of the same junk you are touched with. Never underestimate that they are able to pick up on negative vibes just as much as you do. Protect what they see and hear. Protect who they are around. Who you allow your kids to be around speaks volumes as they take on what on who is around them. Protect what words you say around them as well. Words have life and death in them and you have to be careful that the tearing down isn’t occurring in-house. We are worried about the outsiders but truth be told you can cause more damage in house than you will ever know if you aren’t careful.
Filter what you take on when it comes to social media. I love social media but the down size is that it doesn’t always allow you to be social. It can become battle grounds. It can become warfare. It can zap your energy. It can take up so much of your time. It can allow you to not be able to disengage with those around you. It is a choice and you must make good choices on what you entertain on social media. Everything isn’t worth a response. Everything doesn’t need a clap back. You have to clean your social media act up. Delete some accounts you don’t need. Take a few folks off that you allow to get you all up in arms. Learn to take a step back with who you call friends on your social media accounts. Never post anything you don’t stand by 100% and be prepared to live with any backlash. Learn that some things that inspire you may just be for you. Learn that you can choose to spread hate or love. Love on yourself. Practice self-love everyday. Mental illness is real and it can be elevated by social media because when the mind is weak it allows the defenses of everything to be low. Be careful. Speak life today. Speak life into your situations and find ways to make your bottom line better. Reach out to help others when your able. It’s no different from when you’re on a plane, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on you first. Same rule applies in life, stop handing out all of your resources to others and leave yourself depleted. Help you than you can help someone else. Have a great Monday and practice self love and love on others around you.
Happy Sunday to you. I’m hoping that this blog finds you at peace but in case it doesn’t let’s have our Sunday talk. Today is national friends or national friendship day. It’s a day where you celebrate friendships but let’s keep it real not all friendships are one in the same. Your friends should be a reflection of you. It shouldn’t be forced. It should be a welcoming part of your social life.
Friends are human and they are capable of change. This can sometimes hurt if you are holding on to what once was. You may find yourself in a friend drought where you have friends but they may be scattered leaving an emptiness in your heart. You may be rebuilding friendships so the closeness may not be there yet. Whatever the reason days where friendships should be celebrated may leave you in your feelings. It’s okay.
Here are a few lessons I’ve learned about friendships along the way:
1. Long time friends aren’t always real friends
Just because you have known someone forever doesn’t mean they are your friend. A friend is someone you can count on, encourages you and is there. Sometimes length of friendships may not allow you to fully see if that person is genuine. Friends don’t hurt you, leave you high and dry, or are cruel. Get clear on who you call or have been calling friend.
2. Keeping it real needs turned off
We all have different things going on in our hearts. Sometimes the keep it real friend can cross a real boundary. Anything that is being said should always be said in love. I’ve had friends who had to tell everyone what they “need” to do but the delivery is always bad. If an encounter with your keep it real friend has caused more harm than good you need to evaluate the friendships. You also need to speak up. People do what you allow. Sometimes you have to tell the keep it real to keep it quiet. Sometimes your spirit don’t need another I told you so moment but hey I’m here for you moment. A friend pushing their agenda over the hurt of a friend is not cool.
3. Gossiping to non real mutual friends is never okay
Mutual friends means that all parties equally hang out or talk. If all the parties don’t call each other on the phone and the only denominator is you than gossiping and giving other friend’s tea is off limits. You are not operating a prayer circle. You are not keeping others informed. You are running a gossip train. Sorry not sorry. If you’re the mutual friend and the others don’t talk there could be a reason. The friendship is based on you the mutual friend and the others aren’t automatic friends because of it. Separate the friendships. Unless abuse is happening there is no reason why one person should be handing out the tea in the name of friendship. How do you think when everyone comes together your friend will feel knowing that all of the other girls know their personal business before they had a chance to tell it?! Stop this practice. The reality is if it all good than have the friend whose business it is on the line and let them tell their own business. If you can’t do that than 9 times out of 10 you are just gossiping.
4. Friendships do end
As hard as it ends not everyone is meant to ride out to the end. This is a hard lesson when dealing with friends. We are conditioned to believe that if the friendship doesn’t continue until the grave it’s not a good relationship. What makes it a wrong relationship is how mutual respect is shown and given during whatever period of time it’s granted. You will always have good times but the times have ended and you can still look back at it and learn from it.
5. Everyone should be able to win
You ever have that one friend that makes it like they are the only one to have good happen? News flash good happens to all when you’re open to it. One friend attempting to deflect from others to stand out is a clear sign that you aren’t a friend you need an entourage.
So as you celebrate friendships today take stock of who you chose to be friends with. Remember it speaks volumes about who you are. If your friend is always whatever negative attribute and you feel the need to down then than maybe do a reality check on what about you allows the same type of stuff into your own spirit.
Celebrate friendships near and far today. But don’t carry a friendship longer than the expiration date. It may hurt to lose a few along the way but it will hurt you more carrying someone to a new level where they don’t belong
So today is the day. Do you know what today is? It’s our anniversary. Yes finally we have made it to year 5 and whew God is merciful because we almost didn’t get here. Marriage is hard work. People make it like a fairy tale where you are just so super in love and everything works out. Well I can’t speak for everyone else’s marriage but that isn’t how it works.
Let me break down the years. Our first year we already had our oldest daughter and son. I personally went through the worst post-partum of my life. Between the arguments and threatening to take the kids every other second the first year wasn’t a good year. I thought that since we had known each other forever and a day and was friends first that we wouldn’t be hit with the normal first year drama. I was hella wrong. It was so bad we even went to counseling after 3 months and it was then when I was ready to roll. The dreaded “divorce” came up and we were both ready to end it. Looking at the one that I loved and feeling defeated was humiliating even if a large people had no idea we were at a brink.
I could blame it on the new baby, living with his mom, being a stay at home Mom, and moving to a new city with no support system in place. The reality is I put forth no effort even though if I could go back to my journal entries I was just angry, tired, and unfulfilled. The reality is that although I loved my husband I wasn’t ready to be a wife in the fullest extent. We had too much going on at one time but I knew when I took my vows that I wanted to be the best wife. What is a good wife? I had no clue no more than he did on what made a good husband.
Years 2-5 were up and down. I remember that the drama from year one spilled into year 2 for sure. I wasn’t sure if going to counseling where I felt like it was on me to suck it up and deal with it all had taken its toll. Our counselor was great. I’m not painting it all bad let me be clear that the Lord knows the many days we went without talking, not on the same page, or was plain sick of each other.
What turned it all around for me personally was at year 3, we had been on the down side of our marriage and Marques looked at me, grabbed my face and asked me was I in or out? He said we can’t threaten to divorce or even attempt it because had we gone down that road again we would be done and not turning back. He said he wanted us to get it together. No more hitting below the belt. No more talking disrespectfully. No more yelling and definitely no arguing in front of the kids. No more planning on leaving or taking the kids. No more craziness from either one of us.
Here are the 5 lessons I learned so far:
1. Happy Wife, happy life isn’t true: I think we as women use that phrase to our advantage sometimes to get what we want. However the key is having a wife who is happy in her own skin. You can’t make a miserable, hurting or unfulfilled person happy. I choose now after the smoke has cleared to get and keep my life grounded and not make it about my relationship alone.
2. I’m not always right.
3. Quietness is good at times.
4. Having my own activities, friends etc is key. Being one doesn’t mean that we have to be joined at the hips. Balancing being a whole woman is key before I can give to my husband or my kids.
5. To laugh-I was too serious trying to be perfect that I became the wife that I never wanted to be.
Marques’ Lessons learned:
1. Communication is important
2. Give respect to get respect
3. Better to listen than to speak
4. Don’t jump to conclusions
5. Don’t harp on things that don’t matter
Marriage life isn’t perfect. However we both are better at balancing. He does the things that make him solid and I do the same. We both don’t put pressure on each other to be who we aren’t. We are learning to accept each other’s flaws. We have gotten super solid as a team. Since year 3 we made it clear to those around us that we are a real team. No nonsense will be accepted and we don’t give others front row seats to play us against one another. We shut the door. If you see us we work more behind the scenes without having to be open to listen to all advice from everyone without listening to each other for what we need. I respect all marriage but we no longer mirror our marriage in compassion to what works for another couple. We are different and what works for another couple doesn’t work for us and vice versa.
Relationships goals are what we set between us during pillow talk and not just cute pictures to display a falsehood of love and admiration. We are our own relationship goals!!
So happy anniversary to us, Mr. and Mrs. Storr!!
I want to introduce this week’s guest for the blog and that is none other than my husband Marques. We are going to take you back to the first times, the good times, the bad times and the intense times as we celebrate one whole hand of marriage.
Dating is a beautiful thing. It lets you know if you have what it takes to make it. We definitely know what that’s like. Dating in 1999 and then separating and coming back together with a child in tow, getting engaged, second baby on the way, moving in together with his mom, getting married, having a 3rd baby, moving out and the big D (divorce) all in the middle, no wonder we made it. It’s no secret to love. It’s hard work and for us, unconventional. We have bruises and scars but we pressing.
How did we meet?
In August 1999 Marques was coming out of the Shields Building, at Pennsylvania State University and I was going into the building. We were introduced by our mentor at the time and I was with my roommate who happened to have the same name. Marques made a joke about our names and made me laugh. Laughter was probably one of my first memories of him. Marques was witty and definitely caught my eye physically.
Marques: She was cute. Well a little more than cute and we were introduced by our mentor. I went home and called my best friend and told him that I would look her name up on campus. I knew I would see her on campus since we were in the same scholarship program. I told her at some point that she was going to be my main chick.
Latoi: I was clear that there would be no main anything. I was either one and only or nothing.
We went out parents weekend. It’s a big time on campus where parents came and see the progress that their kids were making.
Latoi: Now let me back up to how the date was being prepared. My parents and I had an interesting day. My cousin was in a fraternity so we stopped by their apartment and my dad about had an entire dad attack. I had the shortest mini dress on so I can understand why my dad wasn’t feeling the attention he saw me getting. Being a PK aka a preacher’s kid doesn’t allow for you to have your own identity. I asked my mom to do my hair. She did. She thought she was doing my hair so I could be “right” on campus but I was trying to get right for Marques.
Now here’s where it gets tricky and especially since we met in 1999 dates seem to fuse themselves together. I say our first date was the movies he says it was Red Lobster. The one thing we agree on is he was late. Wasn’t no Bey biscuit situation going on at that time either.
Marques: I was late since I had been with my mom earlier and time went over. I borrowed my moms car and came to get her but I admit I was late. Another thing we agree on is that we were both nervous. We were good friends and did the whole talking on the phone for hours at a time. There was definitely a comfortable feeling but since we met within the scholarship program only our closest few friends knew we were going on a date.
We became official in January but not without our share of drama or I should say mine (Toi). I felt at the time I was under pressure from myself to maintain this picture of a perfect child that often times when asked by my parents I would lie about dating Marques. I lied so much about the relationship that it spiraled out of control and I was caught between lying on the intensity of our relationship or being transparent and I choose to hide.
I didn’t think the relationship was able to survive it but it did and in January we were officially a couple. It wasn’t peaches and cream but we made it through. It was the first of many trials that would touch our relationship.
First Year of Dating
Marques: In the first year of dating it was the perfect honeymoon. It was the most fun that I had. We did everything together. Latoi was the perfect blend to my life until she chose her family over me. I was hurt, disappointed and upset.
Latoi: Our first year of dating was intense. It was the first adult relationship I had. He was my first in all aspects and that dynamic alone and trying to figure out my first years away became problematic. I learned early on that if Marques and I was going to work I had to let my guard down of who I was and fuse that to who I had become and be okay with the fall out either way.
Marques: Latoi called me and apologized. I was willing to talk and work it out. Latoi invited me to come down and spend time with her family and we attended several churches. Although it wasn’t about the services, it was more of going public and setting the tone that we wanted to go the distance.
Latoi: I really didn’t want him to attend church with me on the basis of it making things better. I was changing and knew how my church family was and knew that he could have preached in those churches and it still would have been a thing. Everything at the time was about appearances and not being real. I learned not to let other’s opinions change who I had chosen to love. From then on I enjoyed my relationship and let us have our own issues without everyone’s hand in it.
Even thinking about the first years of dating, it would be a piece of cake compared to our first year of marriage….
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