Protect your Spirit

Happy Monday to you.  Happy I am just making it Monday.  Happy I am alive Monday. Whatever your Monday looks like to you, make it that and rise above it.  Yes the weekend has left some of us dry.  If it wasn’t the news that is constantly being pushed in our faces, to relationships, situationships, kids, jobs, etc you may be at wit’s end.

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So we all know that we need to protect our spirit.  Your spirit is your essence.  It’s your wits.  It’s you in a nut shell. I know there are many times when I have to take a time out. I give my kids one and have no shame in taking one.  You need to protect your essence. All of life’s drama can take the beauty out of you if you let it.  Today I am even more guarded to keep being informed but to filter some of the junk to avoid getting too overly emotional or let things take me out of my element.

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Life is hard but cover yourself today and everyday.  Cover your children who don’t fully understand but are in the presence of the same junk you are touched with.  Never underestimate that they are able to pick up on negative vibes just as much as you do. Protect what they see and hear.  Protect who they are around.  Who you allow your kids to be around speaks volumes as they take on what on who is around them.  Protect what words you say around them as well.  Words have life and death in them and you have to be careful that the tearing down isn’t occurring in-house.  We are worried about the outsiders but truth be told you can cause more damage in house than you will ever know if you aren’t careful.

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Filter what you take on when it comes to social media. I love social media but the down size is that it doesn’t always allow you to be social.  It can become battle grounds.  It can become warfare. It can zap your energy.  It can take up so much of your time.  It can allow you to not be able to disengage with those around you.  It is a choice and you must make good choices on what you entertain on social media.  Everything isn’t worth a response. Everything doesn’t need a clap back.  You have to clean your social media act up. Delete some accounts you don’t need.  Take a few folks off that you allow to get you all up in arms.  Learn to take a step back with who you call friends on your social media accounts.  Never post anything you don’t stand by 100% and be prepared to live with any backlash.  Learn that some things that inspire you may just be for you.  Learn that you can choose to spread hate or love.  Love on yourself.  Practice self-love everyday.  Mental illness is real and it can be elevated by social media because when the mind is weak it allows the defenses of everything to be low.  Be careful.  Speak life today.  Speak life into your situations and find ways to make your bottom line better.  Reach out to help others when your able.  It’s no different from when you’re on a plane, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on you first.  Same rule applies in life, stop handing out all of your resources to others and leave yourself depleted.  Help you than you can help someone else.  Have a great Monday and practice self love and love on others around you.

When Basics are Celebrated

Please do not get me wrong.  I think anyone doing anything positive is good news.  I love that people are attempting to move past the backward thinking that has seemed to take this world over.  However, can we just be real for about a few seconds?  When basic behavior is like the best thing since sliced bread than we have a problem.

You are in a dating situation the man of your dreams is wining and dining you and pulls your chair out, etc now you are like see my man loves me?  I don’t doubt he does.  In a world where men and no not all men are too busy getting caught up in the negative things, playing video games and no job, making babies with no responsibility this could seem like a breath of fresh air.  However the issue isn’t in the mere manners, it needs to be our own personal standards that have gone on a decline. Even when I dated the most thugs of boyfriends they pulled my chair out.  It was the way I carried myself that lead them to know from the gate that if they never pull a dime like myself they was going to step it ALL the up.  So opening up doors is normal for me during my dating processes. Opening doors was basic.  It wasn’t because I carried myself in a stuck up way, I didn’t I was laid back but my mere demeanor said hey buddy, this is going to be a classy outing. Now this didn’t always mean I was at 5 star restaurants all the time either.  I could go to a night of dancing in the hole in the wall but still be treated like I wasn’t living in the hole of the wall.  I set the standard!

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If you are married and your husband is super caring, we uplift them. We start labeling relationship goals right off the bat because a husband kissed their wife.  Okay I get there are sexless and boring marriages (all by choice) but a simple kiss even a romantic passionate one making relationship goals only means that there are a lot of married couples who do not enjoy the union they are in. Kisses are done simply at the altar or union as a seal of commitment.  So….yeah we have got to raise the standard.  I had a conversation with my own husband and we acknowledged the highs and lows of our relationship and how outside things and distractions are often celebrated when we lack the self-sufficiency to love on each other and ourselves in the way it should be.  A husband who simply comes home is celebrated as if he isn’t supposed to return home after his outside of the home obligations are done.  He is celebrated and the phrase, “well at least he’s not cheating” comes into play. Like is he supposed to be cheating?  I know cheating is big but let’s not give more respect to the cheater than the faithful?  We live in a messed up world.  The only way to make the world smaller is to learn to leave the outside world OUTSIDE. Spend more time making YOUR world what YOU want it to be.

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If you are married and have kids and your husband doesn’t lift the finger to assist you with the kids some of it on you because you won’t speak up and other reasons is because he doesn’t think he should, I hear well at least he’s in the home.  So many men are locked up or leave after they make the babies.  This is true.  However him being in the home still living like an absentee father is even more crazy.  You do know they exist.  They are simply bodies but they don’t do a thing but get the greatest father in the world book just because they stayed.  Um, if you have a baby and make a baby it is YOUR responsibility to be there, provide, and dare I say interact and assist in the raising of that child.  It is simply not okay to come in the home, say hi, watch tv and send the child to bed and think you have arrived in parenting.  NO you need to be a force in the home.  You need to be helping with whatever it takes to make sure you have healthy, loved and supported children.  Ladies, if you have a man who is simply there don’t expect it.  Also speak up and don’t berate him because he doesn’t do things like you do either.  It’s give and take once ALL parties pay their part.

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I believe in rewarding kids but kids are supposed to do good things if they are influenced in the right way.  For instance every time your child does something he/she will NOT always be rewarded.  Teaching integrity means that at some point they learn to do the right thing simply because it’s right and not because someone is watching them or will give them something.  This is why some kids feel a sense of entitlement because you love your little love muffin and use rewards for everything.  Reward systems are awesome.  It can be used to motivate but should not be in the place of all parenting techniques. These little angels grow up and think the world owes them something and you and I both know that really isn’t how it works.

Like I have always pushed, balance is key.  Never do more on one side over another. I know this whole not wanting to be “basic” is a thing but the reality is there are times when going back to the old landmark really does still work.  The standard you set in your life and how you work through it should still be set by a measurement.  If a person is worth your time they will know what your standard is.  That is why some people go ga ga over things like good sex.  Is sex supposed to be bad?  Yes there are some sexual partners that don’t always do it right off the bat and you have to set the standard even in that on what you will accept or not.  However some folks get one strong sexual partner and will throw caution to the wind over some wet sheets and weak knees.  It’s like having a stack of cards and as long as one suit is good, you don’t pay any attention to anything else.  Set the standard.  Know you are worth to be treated the way you want and make no excuse for it.  In time once your basic needs are met the other items will line up because you are looking through balanced eyes.

Protect your Babies-Step it up!

I was watching a video of a judge that was reprimanding a couple.  The mother of the child that was brutally beat and killed was held responsible too for the heinous death as she should be.  However the part that stuck out to me is the fact that while the mother was working the man was home not working.  Now do not confuse this with men being stay at home dads because the wife has a higher paying job. I understand that.  I was a full-time stay at home mom for many years.  The cost of daycare can be a person’s whole salary or very close to it.  Sometimes it’s not cost-effective to have two people working if the income coming in will not put a dent to anything.  If the man is the one making the less money it makes sense to have him stay at home and keep his kids no different from it is for a woman.  I do not think it makes him any less than a man to do so.  I would rather somebody be financially responsible than struggle any day when you don’t have to.

My issues aren’t with the stay at home dads but the fake stay at home dads we have in the society is who I am coming for.  You are not a stay at home dad because you don’t want to work and are comfortable with your woman taking care of you.  I don’t know where we strayed with the next generation but if there was ever an epic fail like it is today, men are missing it.  This is not a hate men blog.  No this is hey get it together blog. There is no need for any man sitting at home waiting on his woman to bring home a check while he does nothing.  You not even selling lemons on the highway?  Not flipping a burger?  My husband has worked 2 jobs to make things work.  Not because he wanted to but because he had to. You won’t be able to convince a real woman to a man not working is a good thing.  I have a wonderful father who barely took 5 days off of work since I was a preteen.  That speaks volumes.  My grandfather is in his 80s and he is “retired” but still works and does odd jobs like busting concrete and ground work.  For lazy men let me school you that means the government says you have earned your keep you can relax and he says naw son let me get out here so my wife can relax and make sure she good. His kids are grown.  He is still out here doing what needs to do to make sure there is steady money coming into his home.  I spoke to him last week and told him he really could give a few young cats a lesson on what hard work looks like. So from where I sit I am not here for no non working, sitting on his ass, don’t want to work but would rather play video game man.

The toddler was mostly in this do nothing man’s care as she endured over 50 injuries and most of the injuries were brutal even for an adult.  So this man didn’t work was a monster and decided to beat the hell out of a child.  Too much idle time on his hand.  A job would have not given him that much access to that child.  Would he still be a monster?  Most likely but damn he literally day in and day out over a short period of time beat a child.  I can’t even fathom that baby’s last moments.  I look at my kid and they frustrate me like no one can. To think I would lose control and inflict pain is unimaginable.  I barely beat their behinds let alone abuse them.  We have to step it up. Both the mom and dad was wrong if that was her dad.  The amount of men who are beating and killing our kids don’t even be the dads.  It’s usually a no account boyfriend that we freely turn over our kids to so they can rape and hurt them.  Let me school you like my momma would school you, there ain’t that good of the D to allow me to put my kids in harm’s way.  I will not turn a blind eye to my child over a man.  These babies are defenseless and we are the ones leading them to the foolishness.  We already have to wonder if a stranger is going to manipulate and mess with our children however its the monster you know.  Let me say I can’t tell you as a woman how long you should date a man before you allow them around your child.  I do say you need to spend some seasons with him before you leave them unattended.  Watch how he looks at your child.  Watch and see what he does when he gets angry.  Listen to your child.  Check your children.  Be prayerful.  Stop getting a new man and being so head over heels that you leave caution to the wind.

What can you say if you aren’t mindful of your child when something happens.  Yes its the monster who did wrong but if you didn’t pay attention you bare the responsibility. The mom knew that the child had at least one serious head injury.  This man with blunt force hit this baby so hard that she had at least 10 dents in her skull.  Think about that for a moment.  She was hit that hard and no one noticed negative signs from that?  Or it was noticed but the care level wasn’t there.  I shutter sometimes when I read these headlines about abuse and death of children.  Everytime one of these precious babies die it only shows the potential the world loses for these beautiful lights to have given something back to it.  We need our babies but the only way to guarantee that is to do better and screen who we allow them to be around.  Let me also tell you that you got to watch friends or family.  There is not one member of my family or set of friends that I would put anything past.  That doesn’t mean I have them pegged as anything that simply means that I will never allow my relationship with them cloud my judgement. If my child said something happens I got their back first and foremost.  I will never take anyone else other them as they were given to me to protect.  I won’t even allow them around folks who I have tested myself and see they don’t add up.  I do not make one apology for that.  I could care less about your spoiled adult feelings on that.  They are mine and my husband and there are no do overs.

Relationship Overhaul: Asking for too much too soon

Well here we go with more relationship questions from my Ask Toi.  Again if you want to ask an anonymous question please do so on toitimeblog@gmail.com

Today’s question comes from a young lady who wants to know how to deal with a man who wants her to put her cards on the table but refuses to do the same.  This is relationship sabotage.  You can’t keep asking and never giving no matter the relationship status.  You have to understand that if you want to receive you can’t be selfish. There’s no such thing as a one-sided relationship. A lot of people think that’s how it works but it doesn’t.

I have a friend she is dating a guy who doesn’t have his stuff together.  He always wants for her to do things for him.  He doesn’t initiate things and he doesn’t do anything for her. Wants her to call him but doesn’t call her.  Wants to borrow money from her but never has a dollar for her.  This is a relationship disaster.  A relationship should be fun, make you feel secure about yourself and be safe and healthy.  A one-sided relationship is an Atm machine.  You only “tap mac” when you need something.  You only tap your mate when you want something.  There are no flowers.  There is no romance.  There is no hey how are you doing I just wanted to hear your voice.  Nothing.  Only the one voice saying hey boo, can you feed me, cloth me, give me, take me, want me, me, me.  Only grown folks should be in a relationship.  Grown isn’t depicted by your age it’s depicted by how much you can handle responsibility.  If you are male or female and ready to embark in a relationship there are a few things to consider.

Can you handle the responsibility of a relationship?  Are you ready to look out for another person’s well-being?  This is emotional, physical, and spiritual.  If you can’t safely answer then its best to be upfront with someone and casually date.  Enjoy dinners, walks in the parks, but don’t start building when you don’t have the tools to make anything work nor if you don’t have the desire to.  You can get what you temporary want from several places. I’m not advocating people go out and screw everyone but let’s keep it real sex ain’t hard to get.  If you are wanting something meaningful do the work on you before you lock another person’s life with yours.  This is way before you can even get to the marriage stage.  If you are dating to be exclusive that means the person you were dating has shown you that they have the qualities that you are looking for and you ready to invest exclusive time to take it to the next step.  Why give all that time, love, and support to someone who you don’t plan into really taking things serious with.  Why should a man or a woman give of every resource they have and you just sit there collecting and never leaving a deposit?  If you don’t want to do the work, don’t mess over a woman or a man for the next one.

How can you proceed if you find you have invested and the person you were dating seemed like a winner but now they are a dud?  Simply cut back.  Stop giving.  When people can’t get what they want whether that be in responses, attention, resources, etc. they tend to show you who they really are.  A lot of actors can pretend but every actor got to lay his part down.  However this is the biggest key.  If you are writing in then the back of your mind you know the answer.  It’s easy to have knowledge of what to do but harder to implement it.  You are going to have to pull back.  The person you are dealing with has shown you their true colors.  How much more time and money do you have to invest in the one-sided relationship that you know isn’t going to work?  It doesn’t matter if every now and again they are nice.  Nice and being who you need is another thing.  Sometimes we excuse nice moments and forget about the tears you cried.  Your pillow shouldn’t be soaked with tears more than your happiness jar.  If a person is making you question their intentions, maybe the person to need to question is you.  Do NOT settle.  Yes its hard.  I can’t imagine dating in 2016 I honestly would be single and keep batteries.  I know that’s deep but that’s the reality of how it would be.  However choose yourself above another person’s leftovers. You are more precious than to receive trash and you given out the very best of you.

 

 

Is Your Want To Broke?

Well, well, well its one of those days where I feel like I can literally float on water.  It’s that good of a day.  I’m glad about that.  I was talking with my mom this morning and the conversation of if our want to was broke.  Now we weren’t talking about ourselves but the reality when you think about it applies across the board.  When your want to is broke it’s not a matter of can’t it’s a matter of won’t.

What do you do if your want to is broke. I would love to be deep and make up so many different scenarios and lists because that’s what I do, but when your want to is broke, you make yourself do.  I know, I know I was supposed to insert a cute little word choice that was going to inspire but I’m fresh out of it today.  You got to get up off your behind and get it done.  Let me guess, your resources are limited? Join the club.  You will most likely not have enough of anything to do much with.  The folks that have the greatest testimonies are the ones that do with nothing.  Trust me it can get done.  Whatever you are facing it can be changed but it’s going to take you getting your want to fixed.

Your want to has a lot to do with your inner struggle.  We all love and crave companionship.  Even if you don’t want to be tied down to anyone in marriage you still want another pair of legs in that bed with you sometimes.  But the truth of the matter even with the desire of companionship which goes well above relationship, sometimes you won’t have someone to walk in every area of your life with you.  Newsflash even if you are married there will be many times when you will have to do some things alone.  No one person was designed to be your everything.  Sorry to have to be the one to bust your bubble but your mate don’t even want to be your everything.  Let’s break up that misconception right now.  I had to learn that lesson the hard way.  We are programmed that to think that we have to someone helping us every step of the way and then we face these alone times we get scared, frustrated, angry, and sad.

Fix your want to.  Turn it on.  Wake it up.  Shake yourself.  Life is hard.  I’ve fallen on more hard times than good at least in my mind.  I have had moments where I felt so defeated that I felt that if I made no adjustments life would adjust itself.  Guess what I found out?  It will adjust but just adjust around me.  I wasn’t going to be saved.  I wasn’t going to be rescued. I was going to be just another person with goals and dreams stunting my own growth.  We all get in a funk.  If you live long enough you too will find yourself in a funk but if you take one step, then you will see you can take two.  All it takes to wake up your want to is to make a plan and work the plan.  Yes you can’t simply write the words down. You need an action plan and then even after that you must do.  Get an accountability partner. This is someone who calls BS when you aren’t moving. This is someone who isn’t going to say you are alright.  You need someone who says hey did you, when did you, and then say you better do.  We all need someone who pushes us.  However don’t get too carried away with your partner. Your partner has a life too.  They are pushing too so your want to needs to be fixed so you can push yourself when your partner gives out.

Fix your want to today.  You can’t afford another moment lost to your pity party.  You can’t miss another moment with your tears.  Bring your tears as you make moves.  Tears is cleansing and we all need a good cry.  But after a while you need to wipe your tears and move.  Let’s move. No more excuses today.  Wake up your want to.  Oh and by the way often times you hide your want to with I can’t.  Stop giving can’t life.  Can’t doesn’t hide well when your want to is awaken.  Kill cant with your want to and will.  Half the battle is in your mind.  You will fight that battle often.  The best thing you can do is keep going. Find someone going in the same direction that you want to be in and learn from them. They will tell you that the struggle is worth it but it will cost you something.  Nothing in life is free.