Passive Aggression only Serves You

Being passive aggressive in your personality only serves YOU.  Think about it, passive aggressiveness is the ability to avoid confrontation.  So this is the type that will say little slick things out of their mouth, will indirectly snub a person or just dance around the issue because they want to save face or they don’t like to deal with the consequences if they would just be direct.  They know if they are direct that they will have to put it all on the table but they want to dance along things to keep things brewing.  Do NOT ever let this personality type get under your skin.

This personality type have themselves believe that if they were direct that they “would hurt someone’s feeling.”  However that isn’t the truth.  Most adults being adults should be able to hear the words no and adjust.  This starts from childhood.  So withholding yourself back like you’re in a fight but can’t fight shows lack of maturity.  Being direct would stop and end a lot of unnecessary back and forth.  Passive aggressive personalities actually keep things going.  Let me explain how:

  1. It’s like being bumped by “accident” but scared the person who you bumped won’t call you out. You will know if you are dealing with a passive aggressive personality because they will jump bad but then revert to the “I was just joking” phrase to act as if what they just said they didn’t mean.  Trust me they meant it but they don’t want you to take them serious because they will have to deal with the outcome of their actions.
  2. When dealing with a passive aggressive person they will continue to under cut you just to see if you will respond.  When you don’t it doesn’t make them stop.  They will continue to poke the bear until they get a response.  Continue to not respond.  Trust me they need that to irritate themselves.  Don’t let them irritate you.
  3. They are nice/nasty.  They will say things in a nice mean way to on paper appear that they are being nice but reality they are trying to under cut.  Smile at them and let them know you will have a good day.  Passive aggressive people are actually mad at themselves for not being bold and if they catch on that you see it too, they will get even more upset.

Passive aggressive people do not like bold people.  They come off as shy but they are the ones that have to feel “pushed” to speak up.  They wait for you to tick them off because they need justification to be adults and speak up.  Learn to spot them, mark them mentally and always make sure you are clear.  You don’t have to allow a person’s passive aggressive behavior to make you upset in any way.  Passive aggressive avoid in a lot of areas too not just a one on one with others.

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Oh the biggest passive aggressive sign is indirect posts on social media.  These folks will ever speak to the person (s) they have issues but they will hit them with a meme.  Stop. Don’t fall into this and then respond.  Let this adult act childish and learn to move on. Reality is they are just not sure how to speak up, don’t want to, or just like drama. Either way they are not serving anything of value in your life and you will live if you didn’t have that type of back and forth going on.

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I have had plenty of passive aggressive people who I have had to deal with it and when I ask them directly what is the issue the first response is there’s nothing wrong.  They are right there isn’t anything wrong with how they choose to conduct themselves because they want to hide.  However with my direct personality I would rather just end the back and forth and talk.  Most passive aggressive folks want to hide.  My response to this situation when I hear an undercut is that until something is brought to my attention from the source, all is fine. I do not care if I hear about a person’s issues from a 3rd party.

When Basics are Celebrated

Please do not get me wrong.  I think anyone doing anything positive is good news.  I love that people are attempting to move past the backward thinking that has seemed to take this world over.  However, can we just be real for about a few seconds?  When basic behavior is like the best thing since sliced bread than we have a problem.

You are in a dating situation the man of your dreams is wining and dining you and pulls your chair out, etc now you are like see my man loves me?  I don’t doubt he does.  In a world where men and no not all men are too busy getting caught up in the negative things, playing video games and no job, making babies with no responsibility this could seem like a breath of fresh air.  However the issue isn’t in the mere manners, it needs to be our own personal standards that have gone on a decline. Even when I dated the most thugs of boyfriends they pulled my chair out.  It was the way I carried myself that lead them to know from the gate that if they never pull a dime like myself they was going to step it ALL the up.  So opening up doors is normal for me during my dating processes. Opening doors was basic.  It wasn’t because I carried myself in a stuck up way, I didn’t I was laid back but my mere demeanor said hey buddy, this is going to be a classy outing. Now this didn’t always mean I was at 5 star restaurants all the time either.  I could go to a night of dancing in the hole in the wall but still be treated like I wasn’t living in the hole of the wall.  I set the standard!

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If you are married and your husband is super caring, we uplift them. We start labeling relationship goals right off the bat because a husband kissed their wife.  Okay I get there are sexless and boring marriages (all by choice) but a simple kiss even a romantic passionate one making relationship goals only means that there are a lot of married couples who do not enjoy the union they are in. Kisses are done simply at the altar or union as a seal of commitment.  So….yeah we have got to raise the standard.  I had a conversation with my own husband and we acknowledged the highs and lows of our relationship and how outside things and distractions are often celebrated when we lack the self-sufficiency to love on each other and ourselves in the way it should be.  A husband who simply comes home is celebrated as if he isn’t supposed to return home after his outside of the home obligations are done.  He is celebrated and the phrase, “well at least he’s not cheating” comes into play. Like is he supposed to be cheating?  I know cheating is big but let’s not give more respect to the cheater than the faithful?  We live in a messed up world.  The only way to make the world smaller is to learn to leave the outside world OUTSIDE. Spend more time making YOUR world what YOU want it to be.

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If you are married and have kids and your husband doesn’t lift the finger to assist you with the kids some of it on you because you won’t speak up and other reasons is because he doesn’t think he should, I hear well at least he’s in the home.  So many men are locked up or leave after they make the babies.  This is true.  However him being in the home still living like an absentee father is even more crazy.  You do know they exist.  They are simply bodies but they don’t do a thing but get the greatest father in the world book just because they stayed.  Um, if you have a baby and make a baby it is YOUR responsibility to be there, provide, and dare I say interact and assist in the raising of that child.  It is simply not okay to come in the home, say hi, watch tv and send the child to bed and think you have arrived in parenting.  NO you need to be a force in the home.  You need to be helping with whatever it takes to make sure you have healthy, loved and supported children.  Ladies, if you have a man who is simply there don’t expect it.  Also speak up and don’t berate him because he doesn’t do things like you do either.  It’s give and take once ALL parties pay their part.

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I believe in rewarding kids but kids are supposed to do good things if they are influenced in the right way.  For instance every time your child does something he/she will NOT always be rewarded.  Teaching integrity means that at some point they learn to do the right thing simply because it’s right and not because someone is watching them or will give them something.  This is why some kids feel a sense of entitlement because you love your little love muffin and use rewards for everything.  Reward systems are awesome.  It can be used to motivate but should not be in the place of all parenting techniques. These little angels grow up and think the world owes them something and you and I both know that really isn’t how it works.

Like I have always pushed, balance is key.  Never do more on one side over another. I know this whole not wanting to be “basic” is a thing but the reality is there are times when going back to the old landmark really does still work.  The standard you set in your life and how you work through it should still be set by a measurement.  If a person is worth your time they will know what your standard is.  That is why some people go ga ga over things like good sex.  Is sex supposed to be bad?  Yes there are some sexual partners that don’t always do it right off the bat and you have to set the standard even in that on what you will accept or not.  However some folks get one strong sexual partner and will throw caution to the wind over some wet sheets and weak knees.  It’s like having a stack of cards and as long as one suit is good, you don’t pay any attention to anything else.  Set the standard.  Know you are worth to be treated the way you want and make no excuse for it.  In time once your basic needs are met the other items will line up because you are looking through balanced eyes.

Protect your Babies-Step it up!

I was watching a video of a judge that was reprimanding a couple.  The mother of the child that was brutally beat and killed was held responsible too for the heinous death as she should be.  However the part that stuck out to me is the fact that while the mother was working the man was home not working.  Now do not confuse this with men being stay at home dads because the wife has a higher paying job. I understand that.  I was a full-time stay at home mom for many years.  The cost of daycare can be a person’s whole salary or very close to it.  Sometimes it’s not cost-effective to have two people working if the income coming in will not put a dent to anything.  If the man is the one making the less money it makes sense to have him stay at home and keep his kids no different from it is for a woman.  I do not think it makes him any less than a man to do so.  I would rather somebody be financially responsible than struggle any day when you don’t have to.

My issues aren’t with the stay at home dads but the fake stay at home dads we have in the society is who I am coming for.  You are not a stay at home dad because you don’t want to work and are comfortable with your woman taking care of you.  I don’t know where we strayed with the next generation but if there was ever an epic fail like it is today, men are missing it.  This is not a hate men blog.  No this is hey get it together blog. There is no need for any man sitting at home waiting on his woman to bring home a check while he does nothing.  You not even selling lemons on the highway?  Not flipping a burger?  My husband has worked 2 jobs to make things work.  Not because he wanted to but because he had to. You won’t be able to convince a real woman to a man not working is a good thing.  I have a wonderful father who barely took 5 days off of work since I was a preteen.  That speaks volumes.  My grandfather is in his 80s and he is “retired” but still works and does odd jobs like busting concrete and ground work.  For lazy men let me school you that means the government says you have earned your keep you can relax and he says naw son let me get out here so my wife can relax and make sure she good. His kids are grown.  He is still out here doing what needs to do to make sure there is steady money coming into his home.  I spoke to him last week and told him he really could give a few young cats a lesson on what hard work looks like. So from where I sit I am not here for no non working, sitting on his ass, don’t want to work but would rather play video game man.

The toddler was mostly in this do nothing man’s care as she endured over 50 injuries and most of the injuries were brutal even for an adult.  So this man didn’t work was a monster and decided to beat the hell out of a child.  Too much idle time on his hand.  A job would have not given him that much access to that child.  Would he still be a monster?  Most likely but damn he literally day in and day out over a short period of time beat a child.  I can’t even fathom that baby’s last moments.  I look at my kid and they frustrate me like no one can. To think I would lose control and inflict pain is unimaginable.  I barely beat their behinds let alone abuse them.  We have to step it up. Both the mom and dad was wrong if that was her dad.  The amount of men who are beating and killing our kids don’t even be the dads.  It’s usually a no account boyfriend that we freely turn over our kids to so they can rape and hurt them.  Let me school you like my momma would school you, there ain’t that good of the D to allow me to put my kids in harm’s way.  I will not turn a blind eye to my child over a man.  These babies are defenseless and we are the ones leading them to the foolishness.  We already have to wonder if a stranger is going to manipulate and mess with our children however its the monster you know.  Let me say I can’t tell you as a woman how long you should date a man before you allow them around your child.  I do say you need to spend some seasons with him before you leave them unattended.  Watch how he looks at your child.  Watch and see what he does when he gets angry.  Listen to your child.  Check your children.  Be prayerful.  Stop getting a new man and being so head over heels that you leave caution to the wind.

What can you say if you aren’t mindful of your child when something happens.  Yes its the monster who did wrong but if you didn’t pay attention you bare the responsibility. The mom knew that the child had at least one serious head injury.  This man with blunt force hit this baby so hard that she had at least 10 dents in her skull.  Think about that for a moment.  She was hit that hard and no one noticed negative signs from that?  Or it was noticed but the care level wasn’t there.  I shutter sometimes when I read these headlines about abuse and death of children.  Everytime one of these precious babies die it only shows the potential the world loses for these beautiful lights to have given something back to it.  We need our babies but the only way to guarantee that is to do better and screen who we allow them to be around.  Let me also tell you that you got to watch friends or family.  There is not one member of my family or set of friends that I would put anything past.  That doesn’t mean I have them pegged as anything that simply means that I will never allow my relationship with them cloud my judgement. If my child said something happens I got their back first and foremost.  I will never take anyone else other them as they were given to me to protect.  I won’t even allow them around folks who I have tested myself and see they don’t add up.  I do not make one apology for that.  I could care less about your spoiled adult feelings on that.  They are mine and my husband and there are no do overs.

Ask Toi: My husband has told me he doesn’t want to go out on dates unless I can reassure him it will lead to sex…What do I do?

First of all you have to ask him why he feels that way. There is a reason.  If he doesn’t feel as if he is getting enough than maybe asking when you have special evenings is the reason.  You will need to find out why.  If the answer is lack of sex than what can you both work on to get to an acceptable level of sex for both of you.  This theory that sex is only for men is played out.  There’s no way you got married to have sex with one person forever and have it be with someone who isn’t willing to participate.  That isn’t fair or reasonable. It sounds like to me that he didn’t know how to ask you for sex and had a bad case of delivery.  This is common.  He wants something but is attempting to find the words to say and figured he would say anything and he has failed miserably.  Totally not right.  Let him know how that made you feel.  You are his wife, not someone he just met.  We know how it was in the dating world when a woman ordered from one side of the menu that meant that man was “entitled” to sex. However on planet reality, that’s not how it works.  If there is a man reading this sorry not sorry this is not how you get your lady, wife, girlfriend, etc to have sex with you

What you both need is romance and some intimacy that starts long before the bedroom and dates.  What your husband said is not setting right with me.  It’s too cold and to say that he won’t go out unless sex is on the menu too sound too pimpish to me.  For instance what if you had a night planned and then during dinner your head hurts. Does he end the date?  Does he not go out with you the next time?  I have so many questions.  Normally I would say be careful when you ask and not just because he came at you wrong but at this point its time for a reality check.  So no tip toeing around this topic.  You don’t have to be nasty but you do and will have to be assertive.  He needs to know you aren’t playing games and the comment was the last time it is going to be tolerated.  This give and take has to step up in a real way and it starts today.  So yes you will have to address him head on.  This will require you to speak up and be firm.

Marriage goes through many seasons.  The one season we see the most is when both couples still get goosebumps on their arms when they see each other.  Although that is super sweet and cute, the reality is that marriage is work. Marriage isn’t this lovey dovey feeling.  Sometimes you want to knock the other person out but your general love and a night in jail stops you.  Marriage can still be full of fire even when both or one of you are having a hard time but disrespect is never okay.

After you do, and you get to the bottom of it, this will tell you how to proceed.  Do you both just like to be around each other?  We all get sick of one another if we are real about marriage from time to time.  This sounds like you have been elevated to a blow up doll and that is something I am sure you’re not.  Do not let him treat you as such.  You are his wife, an equal partner.  Both of you need to step it up in the bedroom and establish what it means to be intimate with one another without it always having to involve sex.  That is the biggest way to increase sex as well as love between a couple. Also something tells me that your biggest issues aren’t even in the bedroom but in the general notion of respect. Respect once lost is hard to get back but it can be brought back if both of you are willing to work at it.  No respectable husband would even think to say this, think it yes, but say it hell naw.

31 Days and Change is Coming!

Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news or good news depending on how you see it, but a new Year is coming soon.  I know everyone will wait until after Christmas to start their new me, new this and that but wouldn’t be nice to do things a different this year?

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Instead of waiting, actually put an action plan in place.  How many years have gone by and you say the generic I want to do (insert desire) but you say it but don’t make a sure plan to do it?  I am sure quite a few.  It’s time to change that mentality and actually make a real plan.  Get things in order.  Get your house which can be the place you lay your head as well as your personal house the place where your soul and heart dwells together too.

Either way its time to do and not just talk.  I am serious.  Anything worth having is worth some work.  I know we are used to instant.  We want an update, instant.  We want food, drive through-instant.  We want to shop-instant.  Now you can shop without even having to get out of your car to pick it up.  We are used to the right now.  Let’s take that same mentality and put some action behind it.  For my house we do a vision board party.  We go and get some supplies, use my old magazines and get it done.  Some people are visual like me and it helps to see what I need to do.  So for instance my house has their vision boards in their rooms.  So we look at it often and talk about what we can do to complete a certain goal.  We have completed quite a few individually and collectively.  Yes the kids have their own too.  Now for them it may seem more of an art project, but can you imagine them getting in their spirit now how to get a plan and work their plan? They are going to have the potential to be great in their own rights.  It’s never too early to get the little people thinking in the right direction.

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So what say you?  You spending time only getting things right for the holidays?  Your future can wait right?  Nope.  Get a jump-start now.  For instance the dreaded lose weight that people want to do yearly.  You only go hard for the first 2 weeks maybe month in January but that’s it.  Why not hang your ideal wish outfit at your eyesight.  Get a new gym bag and actually pack it.  Get you a new water bottle.  Get you some indoor videos or work out gear so that when it snows or rains you can still push.  Hope about use the holidays the time to get it.  Catch the sales.  Give others who ask your list and go from there.  Again you can work it if you are about a little action.  Get a new work lunch bag that you love. It will help you plan ahead so you can begin packing healthier snacks instead of change for the vending machine or not eating at all.  See how that works?

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How about the new job plan?  Have you had someone take a fresh pair of eyes to your resume?  Have you printed new copies to go into your padfolio for the upcoming interviews you are going to score?  Have you gotten a new interview outfit and shoes?  Sales people. Use this time wisely.  Even if you hate the holidays you can still love these discounts.  Have you updated the many useful job search websites?  Have you gone to a few networking events that are held now during this holiday season?  No.  Then you have not exhausted all of your means.  Finding a new job is sometimes a full-time job.  You need to be spending your time working a new plan now and not wait until the influx of resumes start loading up on New Years day.  Will people hire during the holidays?  Not necessarily but they so start looking and putting their plans into place.

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This new way of thinking can be applied to all areas of your life.  So its time to get moving towards your new future.  It’s all in how you create it. One can’t simply pray without works.  What are you worth?  I hope you see the value in yourself so others can see the same thing.  Put your action to where you mouth is….

Hurting the Babies

So with the holidays in full swing we need to have a discussion about mixing families. It’s no secret that people are master manipulators.  There is no fail proof way to determine if the new boo you have is the one that will honor you all of your days as well as do right by you and your children.  Even for those who aren’t married or have kids you really don’t know.  Love is about leaps.  However while you dip yourself into new love and mix families let’s talk about some of the drama with kids that we tend to forget.

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Growing up I was taught about being unequally yoked.  That had a lot to do with religion. However the principle is a good one to examine.  How do you link yourself up with a man or woman and don’t know their core values?  You aren’t going to agree on every little thing but let’s be  real, having kids or not is important.  How you will raise them is important.  I know of some men who marry women who have no intention of having children then bam they get side swiped and most end up leaving their wives for it.  The same holds true for men who make it appear they want to have a family but do things to ensure they can’t like get a vasectomy and never tell their mate. It’s a cruel and evil world out there.  Let’s organize how we need to protect ourselves and our children and future children from the foolishness.

Stop Marrying These Disagreeable Men and Women

How does it come off?  You have a man or woman who doesn’t like your family.  Then if something happens to you can you be sure that your child will have access to both sides of the family?  I know of evil families.  I really do.  However you deprive kids of having a relationship.  I am not going to act like there aren’t reasons to withhold kids from being around one side of the family over another.  There are.  But we as ADULTS have to be sure to separate our petty feelings over the kids.  My thing is at least try.  That’s key.  You should always be willing.  If after a sincere try to it doesn’t work then I can high-five a pull back. You knew from the time you were dating them and as time went on the person you were attempting or had attempted to yoke up with would not honor you or your kids by making things easy for your kids.  This isn’t just for folks with kids.  This is for the childless and wanting to be parents too.  Let me give you an example, my mother in law and I at one point of our relationship wasn’t on the up and up.  However whenever her and her son got into something or her and I did the same, I NEVER stopped the kids from being around her. That’s not my call.  It isn’t your call unless that parent will cause harm to the child. Then be around but don’t stop.  My mother in law isn’t here and although it was tough when we lived together I would have deprived my kids of their short relationship had I been in my bag all the time.  I am glad that my kids had the limited time that they had with her.

You know who you are married to or want to be with.  You know that they will not do right by you or your family. What is it about these disagreeable women and men that makes you throw caution to the wind and proceed.  Like most people will reveal a part of their hand if you are listening and really watching.  Instead we let sex, looks, stature determine more than it should.  Then we say I don’t know why this person is like that?  You knew it deep down.  I am not suggesting that all in-laws are evil, mine wasn’t either but what I am saying is stop bringing kids in the midst of your mess.  And you can say well I don’t have kids so I am good, you’re not.  You set the tone now for how you will do when you get kids. It’s true.  I was talking to a friend.  She made some ugly comments about her boyfriend’s kids and now they aren’t together.  She was devastated.  But I kept telling her you can’t say mean things about folks kids and think they will link themselves up to you.  If they were smart, they wouldn’t.  You have to be careful.  Sometimes the way you speak about your future especially where kids are concerned is important.  People don’t realize if you want to find out what someone is thinking just plain old listen.  People allow their heart issues to come out just from bringing up the same issues.

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Yes things happen that make disagreeable women and men come off as off but they are protecting themselves.  I know of a few but that is a small amount of folks.  Some people keep things going on.  Somebody has to be an adult.  Please stop allowing these issues to affect kids.  They do affect them no matter how much in your head you are telling yourself that it doesn’t.

Now unless you have made it clear that you don’t plan on taking kids around your mate’s family  and your mate is crystal clear than you are creating issues.  Why?  Children are a product of both sides.  To be honest.  You can keep kids from a side of a family and they will still exhibit some attributes of the other side.  You can’t keep kids away from folks just because you don’t want them to be like that side of the family.  If it’s in them you will be seeing parts of their unallowed family.  You haven’t solved anything.  Some family are toxic this is true.  However you have to teach kids how to be in the world and not take on everything about others.  I have friends who attend family functions with their kid to protect them from certain sides of families that may be toxic.  But guess what?  They tried. They didn’t just automatically cut off.  Being a parent means at times setting our issues aside for what’s best for the child.  Try with kids even if before things were bad.  Always be willing until people prove to you that you can no longer take your children around.  When kids grow up and you have tried, they will see things for themselves.  But can you say you tried when deep down you haven’t.  Kids will form resentment towards the parent that withheld them from their family when you don’t at least try.

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I think people hear what they want to.  There is no way my mate could tell me our kids are not allowed to have a relationship with my family without real warrant.  And I wouldn’t have yoked myself to someone who would be like that.  You better know that you know that the person you take vows is really on the same team.  Everybody hollering Team (insert last name) is really on the same team.  Some will be on the team as long as its beneficial.  That is why being who are gold diggers end up creating at times family households that causes more harm.  Yes I said gold diggers and let’s be clear gold diggers are both men and women. I don’t care what society says there are some greedy men who want what they want to.  You bring kids in the midst and treat kids like pawns.  Kids aren’t bargaining chips.  Please stop having kids just to shut your mate up.  Yes I said it. You didn’t want kids so I will have this one just so they can get off my back.  Many parents don’t even form bonds with these bargain kids because of it.  Kids need sound households not perfect ones.  Make sure the well-being of your kids is the vocal point.

How people treat your kids is key

If you are married to someone who allows there to be separate treatment of your non biological kids versus the biological kids that you share, they are not the man or woman for you period.  Now when you are dating you will have bumps in the road, but once you marry a person and you HAVEN’T worked all of the kinks out you are creating a disservice to yourself and your kids.  Do you know of the petty things adults do to kids? Like get biological kids gifts for the holidays  but not the non biological kids? Do you know some ugly petty adults will make comments in front of non biological kids that makes them feel unwelcome? Let’s keep this 100.  You should definitely not be on the Earth messing with kids.  I really do believe that.  Kids don’t have a choice when adults decide to link together.  If you or your family treat a certain set of kids differently, mean or etc. that is the worst thing you can do. Kids may not understand why but they turn into adults that never forget.

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I have been in situations where I remembered how some folks treated me as a child.  My step-dad never treated me like step anything. He raised me from a young child and I would go to toe over him. I only highlight step to illustrate for this blog.  However the same can’t be said for the rest of his family.  I am not suggesting that I was abused, nor overtly mistreated, but I remember comments made in my presence.  I remember my mother making sure that no one would overtly mistreat my twin and I different from my brother. We need parents to step it up in this category.  There are some adults that I still don’t vibe well with.  However as an adult now I make sure that no one does it to any of my children. I also don’t have to entertain the same adults now.  I remember getting into a conversation with my dad and he made it clear to me that I could just be an adult and withdraw.  He wasn’t encouraging me to disengage but he made it clear that instead of getting more and more upset, walk away.  It was the best idea.  I never wanted as an adult to put my dad in the middle of any issue with another adult at this point.  What is done is done.  But like the saying goes, you will never forget the way someone treats you.  Be careful of how you treat step kids.  You got grown adults walking around being hurt now over the way step families treat them. I did my job by going to counseling and anything else I needed to do to deal but most do not.  And it matters to a step child to get it right within themselves. If you are a step child (adult) still hurt over folks that will never admit, never apologize please get help.  I refuse to let people who don’t influence my life for the positive to have a hold over me.

To any of my family that I am sure is or will read this, I am not opening up anything so miss me with the texts or the phone calls.  These are my experiences and nothing is going to change that.  I don’t need a pow wow, move on like I did and do what you need to do like I did for me.  No family no matter how perfect we all want to look like will get it right.  

Kid will pick up on the wrong

Every kid no matter how nice and perfect their households were will pick up on the things that aren’t right.  I know for me things didn’t come up for me until I had my own kids. I can’t say my childhood was bad because it wasn’t.  However things that most kids didn’t have to deal with we did.  It made us strong.  My parents did the best they could and as far as I am concerned I came out of it with the will and tenacity to be a good adult.  I am not perfect by any means but watching my parents struggle definitely made me handle tough situations now. I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon and it made me want to go that much harder in life to be great.  Kids pick up on the good and the bad no matter how you try to shield them.  You do your kids a disservice by not handling your issues.

The holidays are upon is.  It’s supposed to be the happiest time of the year.  However this is the time when adults do the most passive aggressive stuff to kids who are victims in the midst of couples who link together.  Please know your limits and be honest with yourself BEFORE you marry.  Stop getting married thinking time will work things out.  You can’t change who you really are when you really don’t want to.  You are just lying to yourself for the sake of marriage or having someone linked to you.  Just stop.  You are bringing in future kids and messing them up before they even have a chance to be in this world and be messed over.  I have had many talks with parents of mixed families before writing this piece.  The sentiments are different  but sadly the situations turn ugly. I have a friend that confided in me that he or she doesn’t want to be married due to the fact that they don’t want to have kids.  The sad part is they gave hope to a mate that they would have kids and now they don’t want to.  That isn’t fair to their hopeful mate. I couldn’t sugar coat it because they are a friend to me.  It’s a messed up situation.  There are years lost now.  I pray that their union can hold on because to me that is a place of betrayal that you can’t deny.  It’s one thing for both partners to be on the same page about not starting a family. However to lie and knowing you aren’t is devastating.

Please step families, stop mistreating kids. I know you really want to get back at the biological parent because you don’t like the fact that your biological family member could have done better in your eyes.  Stop.  Grown folks can be grown and make their decisions. Who someone links up with doesn’t stop your breath, doesn’t make you fat, or bring money into your home.  Leave kids out of your issues.  Let me say that karma never misses so if you intentionally hurt a child please do NOT think that you will reap that.  You and I both reap what we sow.  You get what you dish out so be careful of the servings you dish. Kids should always be respected at all times.  Be underhanded to the adult if that is what you want but don’t do it to a child.

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One last thing, be careful that you don’t fall in love with a monster and it cost your child their innocence.  Too many kids are killed and molested by “step” families and for what? There isn’t enough sex or money in this world for me to sell my kids over to a monster. Please be careful and listen to your kids.  Sometimes what you think is hate from a child could be a cry for help.  I would rather you get a vibrator or a blow up doll before you link up with someone who will mistreat or harm your child.  Oh and it’s sometimes not the step parent but some of these raggedy biological parents are a mess too.  No one is exempt.

Ask yourself the following before you link up with a person?

  1. Do you want kids?  Like actually birth or parent them? Be honest with yourself and the person you are with.  Do NOT give false hope.  Situations may  not be perfect so while you wait for that moment to happen, please be careful that you aren’t hurting your mate in the process.  No one should bring kids in mess, but be honest and open during the hard times too.  It’s not fair for someone to wait for you and you knew you weren’t going to be open to a family.  Allow that mate to make the decision if they want to be open to your maybe or no response.
  2. If you have kids from a previous relationship is the person you are thinking about marrying willing to be a full-time parent?  Are they treating that child with the same respect as if you and he or she birthed that child together? Does the family of your beloved treating the child or children with the utmost respect? Watch how people treat your kids in the bad times because the good times will not cancel out a hurt child over petty inconsiderate comments.
  3. Do you parent a mixed home with the same rules?  Having separate rules for one set of kids over another is creating issues.  Be clear that parenting is a dual partnership in every sense of the word.
  4. Do you have open communication?  Can you child come to you and tell you that one parent has hurt them and you set aside your love for your beloved and investigate? Love is blind.  You should never dismiss a child until you have found out what your child’s issues really are.

“My married friends are worst than my single ones…”

I want to knock on wood, pray to baby Jesus the Black and the White one, go in a trance that I never have to know the betrayal of a husband in the form of another woman having my husband’s baby.  We have planned not to have any more children.  By we I mean I made the decision and my husband supported it.  I don’t know what would have happened if we weren’t on the same page.  For me it came down to the lack of wanting to go through the newborn phase, being pregnant in the first place and my health.

Cheating is not an option to me in marriage let alone a baby.  I feel like everyone has a right to their list of what they will or will not tolerate and for me cheating is a deal breaker.  I think you end up pouring salt in the open wound if by cheating whether male or female and a baby is formed from that sexual bond.  I can’t even begin to explain the level of disrespect and how that would send me into a fit.  Have I been cheated on before? Yes. Am I with the man who cheated?  No.  It is just not tolerable for me.  I keep seeing stories on television, and in real life of this happening.  Let’s keep it real, men and women been cheating since Jesus was a baby.  I try my best not to judge as I don’t really know what I would do if I was in the same situation.  Can people change? Absolutely they can if THEY want to.  I watched a woman go off on a man who fathered a child outside of their union. The way she was giving him the business I had to remember that it wasn’t my issue because I was on the low feeling some type of way. The type where I had to put down my own pitch fork and not attack my own husband on sight for another man’s discretion.  The hurt in her eyes and voice was enough to break me and I am not even in a relationship with the woman.

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How can a man or woman who sees this devastation continue the pattern of hurt and abuse.  I know the answer is hurt people hurt people but the reality is we have to call a spade a spade.  People once they see you will tolerate certain bad behaviors will continue to do the same as they have always done.  A baby is nothing to play games with.  Think about the couple who has been trying and then that man or woman goes and gets pregnant or impregnate another woman leaving the one in the relationship feeling hurt and empty. A baby is a lifetime bill, and lifetime responsibility.  I can’t say even with all of my knowledge I  would be able to just blend another family to mine like that?  Call me Petty Wap because I just can’t see it. Babies cost money so that means that the child fathered or mothered outside of the marriage or relationship is taking away from the central home. It’s never the child’s fault. However I have heard people jump on others for not willing to accept the child and go on like it’s all good.  Some can’t get over it to the point where they function as a unit and just simply move on.  I think every situation is different.  I mean in times where this even comes up in the back of my mind I hear whoop ass.  I would hear divorce papers.  I would hear taking the kids and rolling.  I mean you can’t tell me you wouldn’t think of at least one of those scenarios.  Its human nature.

Why do we tend to forget that especially ladies?  We judge harshly if a woman stays but often times we are dealing with our own issues and stay even when things don’t look or sound right in our own situations.  How do we forget that?  Love is simple but the repercussions of taking and engaging in love aren’t always so black and white.  When you love you take on some gray from time to time.  This is not an argument to just take whatever is dished.  I think we all have our breaking points and at some point we end things.  It may take a few frogs to get there.   For my ladies as much as we want to blame the other “heifer” remember there were two people involved.  If you are married the one to go after is your husband.  You have no idea what lies were told to her to get her in the bed.  Men will say things like I am leaving my wife. Ladies, its cheaper to keep her always remember that.  Most men aren’t going to elect to break up their home for a side piece. They just wanted to know if they still got it and for most men ain’t nothing better than some new……

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Yeah i am trying to spare the church mothers who may read this the ending of that last line.  I am not saying that if you have a friend that betrayed you and slept with your man you wouldn’t feel a certain way.  However I am saying we give men passes and go straight for the woman involved.  Why give your man a pass?  Why? So he gets off free and only sustains a few silent treatments, arguments, and a few yelling matches, and he’s good?

Marriage is respectable.  I really would rather my husband divorce me to be with someone else than to cheat on me.  I really would.  Like hey come tell me you want out and let’s get you out than for me to find out that you out here making romantic getaways, bending some woman over in a car or some sleazy hotel or even in her home while I am at home with your kids.  I can say that for me because that’s how I would feel.  I am not the built-in sitter while you go and do your thing and leaving me with the possibility of a baby or even worst a STD.  Let me warn some of my men and women who play dumb. A condom is a barrier which is not 100%.  Let me repeat that, condoms will not protect all of your sexual organs.  I want to live a healthy life so if my husband put my life in jeopardy that’s the disrespect.

I was on a social media one day and a newly single friend of mine made the comment that his married friends were “worst” than his single friends while they were out.  I believe that. It makes me nervous because in love there’s always room for betrayal.  I am not suggesting they should go hand in hand but I do believe you open yourself up to that hurt by loving someone. Married men or women to be honest feel the need to fight to be free. Why not just get out?  Oh yeah you don’t want to pay to play. You don’t want to figure out child visitation schedules.  You don’t want to have your family ripped up because your clit got hot or your penis got stimulated.  Interesting.  You would rather roll the dice and hope the love of your life is just one of the ones willing to play Russian Roulette with you?

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Let me speak on reconciliation.  Even though cheating is my deal breaker it doesn’t mean that I don’t have 5 seconds belief that people can work hard from the point of divorce and make it work.  It can happen.  Trust me it can.  However that is a lot of work. Most people will not be willing to do the work.  I spoke to a friend who I won’t mention by name but she told me that her husband cheated.  She said that in the beginning, he was all in.  They were in counseling.  He took the lock off his phone. He wined and dined her.  He brought her gifts.  Then when he felt like he had paid his debt and she should be over it, he went back to the same things that lead to the infidelity in the first place.  He no longer opened up in counseling.  He locked his phone tighter than a national bank.  He began taking calls on his cell away from her.  He went back out and coming home at 6am with no calls as to his whereabouts.  If you cheated on someone if you really mean to change you keep the change.  You don’t get to put an expiration on it.  If you do it only shows you were attempting to give a band-aid instead of the necessary surgery to provide real healing. She said it was at that moment that she filed for divorce and let it stick.  He came back with the same tactics when she filed.  He wanted to be a better man. However better wasn’t in him. You can’t get what’s not in a person to give.  Every actor has to lay their part done.  He laid his down and she left.

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IF you are a cheater and haven’ been caught please understand the old saying, nothing hidden that won’t be revealed.  It simply means what’s done in the dark will come to the light.  If you think you are above slipping you are sadly mistaken.  When you get caught if you know you have no intentions on changing with real change than say that and give that man or woman who so they can then do what is best for them.  Do not bring your mate on a journey wasting yours and their time when you know you still want to do your dirt.  Do your dirt and figure out a way to be a family under the new terms of a separate house.  If you cheat it’s not meant for you to live harmonsly like nothing happened.  You have to suffer.  For every action there is a reaction.  You can’t be looking for a loving response after that.  Both spouses need to be willing to work.  If you say you forgive but you still bring it up than you haven’t forgiven.  Let me break one thing down on the forgiveness talk, if you are the one who cheated and you are still doing questionable actions than YOU can’t use the whole forgive me response when you know you still acting suspect.  Align your actions to be honorable that way when it comes up you have an answer that is satisfactory.  You can’t still creep and tell your mate stop treating me like I cheated but your actions say you are cheating.  Accept that.  Stop trying to win the fight when you already lost the war.  Do better and knock it off or decide to part ways and then find someone if you can find them who will be okay with you having more than one sexual partner.  That is key.  You can’t just find someone who is okay with you being newly single and not committed.  They have to understand that you intend to be in other sexual relationships and be okay with it too.