National Family Day

Families are wonderful to be involved in. Families don’t have to be the set parents and siblings that we think they should be.  Family dynamics change all the time. What is important for any family structure is love being in the center. Being in a family and being in close proximity is the fact that there are times when you will be irritated, hurt, or angry with a family member.   How you pick up the pieces is what defines what family means to you.

No One Wins when the Family Feuds

I have been in arguments with family members.  It’s a part of life. Not all family members mesh well. If you are blood related just because you are angry won’t change that you are family.  The issue sometimes comes from when you aren’t.  Not all step families are super welcoming.  Shoot, blood members act fun too so let’s be super clear.  Families feud. I am not just talking about a fight over who is making the mac and cheese for the holiday dinner, I am talking about the types of fighting that would make Love and Hip Hop blush.  Family members can be super messy.  It would be super nice if you’re able to dust yourself off from family spats and pick up as if none of the issues ever happened. People are left bruised and battered by family members and its hard to navigate yourself back into the fold.  The reality time is the biggest thing that you lose when family members fight. You don’t get that time back.  You could be interacting and enjoying one another’s company but a rift can be super damaging. I encourage everyone to attempt to make peace with those that you can. Be aware there are times that even with the best intentions, some folks run out of chances and distance may be the best solution. Learn to wish folks well and don’t speak ill will towards them.

Family Breaks

Some folks opt to take a break or a breather. Some opt to break away altogether and wipe their hands clean.  This is a personal decision. Kids don’t get to know members of the family and the family use the kids to bring the adults back.  There are times if we are honest that some family members are super toxic. Bringing a kid into toxicity if you can avoid it, please do.  It’s one thing to simply not deal with a Family member but to know that if you left your child in a room with a person that all that venom inside of them would spew on a child, those types of things you disconnect from.  I would personally never allow my children around any side of the family if I thought that would be the case.  Why would I as a parent set up my kids who can’t defend themselves around that?  Why would I as an adult want to be around that? If you need a break, take a break.  If you break completely than at least make sure that if you talked it out, you said all that needed to be said. If you can say to yourself I mean whomever no harm and if something happened to them you would be of a clear conscience than so be it. If you can’t there’s work to be done to hopefully reconcile. Toxic situations we should all strive to remove ourselves from them. So no you don’t go around violence, abuse, etc in the name of nobody family or not.  Let’s not ever do that!

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Marriage Anyone?

Once you get married, you leave your original family structure and become your own unit.  This doesn’t wait until kids are in the midst.  A husband and wife are their own family now.  As tight as a family can be, if you are getting married be prepared to leave your original and cleave to your spouse, this is your new family. You will always be connected to both of your original family but you shouldn’t be at the point where you can’t find health boundaries in how you interact. Marriages have been in shambles because if the original family has the presence made known in the couple’s lives and then dictates their every move, animosity sets in. You should be able to do things as your new structure like vacation, go on date nights, have fun between both sets of family members etc without your original family having to sign off.  I know of couples who were lets say for argument’s sake, the bride only deals with the brides’ side. This is not cool.  Find a way to fuse both sides.  Start your marriage where the couple make decisions together and find ways of agreeing and learn to keep family as a focus but keep them out of your union.  This means stop running your mouth every time something happens and then get mad when the family is mad at your spouse. Your husband shouldn’t feel like you still need your parents or family to agree on decisions and vice versa. You married into, you didn’t marry the individual bonus members of each other’s new family. Make sure your marriage is strong and have fun and do things with each side. No one side should dominate anything. If you aren’t mature to do that, I would advise not getting married.

Now What? Framily?

If you say, but ToiTime I took a break, I walked away from some folks, I keep folks out of my business but continued to enjoy the ones that were willing, but there is a void and I need it filled and my family is just too much.  I would say, look in your inner circle. I always believe we truly do not lose, there is fulfillment with framily. Framily are friends who become family. This doesn’t mean you don’t have family. This doesn’t mean you do more for your friends than your family. The flip to that is too, family will say you are doing too much for your framily but forget the times they weren’t there and a friend had to step in.  This is so real! I have had friends jump quicker than my family members.  This didn’t take away from my family, it meant that who was supposed to be there for me at that time. If there is a pattern of family not being involved, a conversation needs to be had. I would say, if a family member is mad at a friend for stepping in, to the family member ask yourself how often have you stepped in.  Even if the family member in question shuts you out, how often did you pick up the phone, check in, etc?  I was always taught than regardless of how another person acts that you have to be willing to try. So for me that means, I will call when no one answers. I have sent cards to family members and never got a thank you. I sent gifts and never got a thank you, but my heart is clear knowing one I didn’t do it for the recognition and two I have done all I could and if they are okay with doing nothing on their side, I am okay waiting for them to reach out and my reach may temporarily stop.

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Family I don’t Deal with

Even with all of this wisdom basically from being burned by folks over the years, having my family aka my parents teach me how to handle bad situations there are still family members that I haven’t seen, talked to, or associated with in years.  I will never go into the why especially on an open forum. Regardless of what may have said or done I only can own my part in it and say that anything said I meant and I take full responsibility for my actions.  I take full responsibility because I can never blame a person for what came out of my mouth or what was done.  I don’t live my life waiting to play the blame game.  Those situations were unfortunate but it revealed things about me mostly.  It revealed how easily upset I was.  It revealed parts about things that I thought I had healed and discovered I wasn’t truly healed. So it allowed me to go back into counseling to deal with them.  Its been enough years that whatever sting or grudge I carried and carried it well then is NO LONGER an issue now.  The distance and quietness and simply my own refusal to be apart of the equation was what I needed. It had nothing to do with being mad.  I never want to give anyone the opportunity to ruffle me to the point where I am not in control of my own emotions and responses. However what I am learning is that removing myself and dealing with only me allowed me peace and it made me deal with the negative things that the very family members brought up.  There was truth to the things said so I owned it.  There was lies and misjudgments too. Now that I have owned it no one can roll up and say “but you aint..”My response would be simply, you were right on a few things but now I am good should I ever see them again.  Will I ever see them?  I am sure I will! Am I looking for an apology? Nope I gave myself permission to forgive them and me without getting one.  I dropped the charges at least a year after the big blow up.  Should I have done it sooner? Maybe but I wasn’t ready!  I needed that time to live in that and it forever changed how I operate as a person.

The Incredible Storr 5

What I love about my little family now is that we apologize.  Especially my husband and I towards each other, and with and to our kids. I learned a lot from them as a whole. We get to see the good and the bad sides of each other but we also see each other daily striving to be our best version.  There are a lot of people who would love my portion and I am grateful everyday that we wake up together and get to try to get it right!

My husband and I come from good families.  They aren’t perfect either but we have made up in our house that we will always be a family that keeps the drama to a bare minimal, we keep space in our home and keep peace, we allow our kids to be around same like-minded families, we have fun, we serve and love God, and we try our best even when it looks like we are failing to get it right!  We will always protect the 5 in that home at all cost and that’s from a mental, emotional, and physical standpoint. I have seen my husband take stands with others concerning me and I do the same for him.  And you can pretty much forget it if you think the 3 littles in our home will be in the middle of some mess.  Like Jay’Z said:

“And I don´t have to worry, only worry is him
She do anything necessary for him
And I do anything necessary for her
So don´t let the necessary occur, yep!”

jayz

Save the Drama for your Momma

You ever hear that when you were a kid?  Absolutely you have.  That was the cry when you wanted someone know from the gate you wasn’t here for their crap.  This was before it became popular to say “you tried it” or “boy bye.” A few years ago I got caught in some drama with some family members and decided they or anyone else would never get the chance again to try me.

Now I can admit that my mouth is pretty blunt. I pull no punches. I don’t say to someone  behind their back what I won’t say to their face.  If I said it, I own it.  My mom has raised me on that premise.  As much as folks can say what they want about her, they know what you see is what you get.  So when you’re a young girl you have to walk real close and not say what you want.  However when you become a woman and a real adult, you speak and say what has to be said period.  Do you know how many times I was super respectful in school but I would be the one to school a teacher and have my parents back me?  I had learned to reserve that go off when it was appropriate.  My parents definitely taught me to hold my tongue when I had to but when it was warranted, don’t have them looking crazy but make it a good one.

Well today before someone could even try to drag me I had to hit them with the save the drama for your momma pose.  I am not here for it.  I am not the one. I do not want to hear no issues because I have learned that people love to dice up a story and add stuff that ain;t happen and for me, if you gon quote me, quote me right.  I had to shut down the young lady and let her know from the gate, that I do not subscribe to banter so if that is what she came for keep it moving. She was mad trying to justify why I should listen but mid sentence I walked away. Just like that no questions asked, no let me go, just simply walked away.

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In my mind, I don’t care what you wanted to add, it becomes a choice if I sit there and listen and I definitely knew better.  A few years ago I allowed another person to make me mad enough that the anger was so super explosive I had to retreat for an entire day.  I had to count up the cost if that foolery was even worth it. It wasn’t.  So from that point on I make it my business to live in peace with the 4 other folks aka my immediate family ie, my husband and kids and live our lives without drama.  No drama in the home, so none to go out.  This has caused a rift with others but it works for me and my household.  Outside of getting blamed recently out of association since I had to be explained as to why I was in the last drama fest, I live quite a quiet life.

People are funny that way.  They can’t get to you in another way so they tag you with who you associate with. Let’s keep it real, they don’t like the person and it is what it is.  They didn’t hear me say, they didn’t see me do anything, but they have to add me in.  It’s quite laughable. But I laughed at the little mini altercation this morning as the person was just trying everything to get me upset. My are you done yet face still in tact as she reminded me of a tantrum that a child throws.  It was cute but not cute enough for me to attach any emotions to it and give her what she wanted which was attention.

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If you ever want to make someone mad, don’t pay them any attention.  Don’t subscribe to anything they dish.  Do not talk, don’t break bread, do not entertain that. That doesn’t mean from a far you can’t show love but until some things are worked out on both parties it’s a no for me sis.  As I watched this tantrum from this wayward adult unfold, I thought bless your heart, you just need some friends, some D, a nap, a drink, a vacation, anything but what you won’t get is a high-five on your mess.  She couldn’t do anything but stop talking to herself.  I was a mere distance from her, and her hollering had to stop at some point right?  Right.  Kill folks with a look, ignore them, walk away, but protect your spirit at all cost.  Every time something jumps off I remind myself of that promise I made a few years back, folks ain’t worth my time, energy, my bail money, or my life.  Focus on what matters, and keep it pushing folks, keep it pushing.

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Protect your Spirit

Happy Monday to you.  Happy I am just making it Monday.  Happy I am alive Monday. Whatever your Monday looks like to you, make it that and rise above it.  Yes the weekend has left some of us dry.  If it wasn’t the news that is constantly being pushed in our faces, to relationships, situationships, kids, jobs, etc you may be at wit’s end.

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So we all know that we need to protect our spirit.  Your spirit is your essence.  It’s your wits.  It’s you in a nut shell. I know there are many times when I have to take a time out. I give my kids one and have no shame in taking one.  You need to protect your essence. All of life’s drama can take the beauty out of you if you let it.  Today I am even more guarded to keep being informed but to filter some of the junk to avoid getting too overly emotional or let things take me out of my element.

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Life is hard but cover yourself today and everyday.  Cover your children who don’t fully understand but are in the presence of the same junk you are touched with.  Never underestimate that they are able to pick up on negative vibes just as much as you do. Protect what they see and hear.  Protect who they are around.  Who you allow your kids to be around speaks volumes as they take on what on who is around them.  Protect what words you say around them as well.  Words have life and death in them and you have to be careful that the tearing down isn’t occurring in-house.  We are worried about the outsiders but truth be told you can cause more damage in house than you will ever know if you aren’t careful.

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Filter what you take on when it comes to social media. I love social media but the down size is that it doesn’t always allow you to be social.  It can become battle grounds.  It can become warfare. It can zap your energy.  It can take up so much of your time.  It can allow you to not be able to disengage with those around you.  It is a choice and you must make good choices on what you entertain on social media.  Everything isn’t worth a response. Everything doesn’t need a clap back.  You have to clean your social media act up. Delete some accounts you don’t need.  Take a few folks off that you allow to get you all up in arms.  Learn to take a step back with who you call friends on your social media accounts.  Never post anything you don’t stand by 100% and be prepared to live with any backlash.  Learn that some things that inspire you may just be for you.  Learn that you can choose to spread hate or love.  Love on yourself.  Practice self-love everyday.  Mental illness is real and it can be elevated by social media because when the mind is weak it allows the defenses of everything to be low.  Be careful.  Speak life today.  Speak life into your situations and find ways to make your bottom line better.  Reach out to help others when your able.  It’s no different from when you’re on a plane, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on you first.  Same rule applies in life, stop handing out all of your resources to others and leave yourself depleted.  Help you than you can help someone else.  Have a great Monday and practice self love and love on others around you.

When Basics are Celebrated

Please do not get me wrong.  I think anyone doing anything positive is good news.  I love that people are attempting to move past the backward thinking that has seemed to take this world over.  However, can we just be real for about a few seconds?  When basic behavior is like the best thing since sliced bread than we have a problem.

You are in a dating situation the man of your dreams is wining and dining you and pulls your chair out, etc now you are like see my man loves me?  I don’t doubt he does.  In a world where men and no not all men are too busy getting caught up in the negative things, playing video games and no job, making babies with no responsibility this could seem like a breath of fresh air.  However the issue isn’t in the mere manners, it needs to be our own personal standards that have gone on a decline. Even when I dated the most thugs of boyfriends they pulled my chair out.  It was the way I carried myself that lead them to know from the gate that if they never pull a dime like myself they was going to step it ALL the up.  So opening up doors is normal for me during my dating processes. Opening doors was basic.  It wasn’t because I carried myself in a stuck up way, I didn’t I was laid back but my mere demeanor said hey buddy, this is going to be a classy outing. Now this didn’t always mean I was at 5 star restaurants all the time either.  I could go to a night of dancing in the hole in the wall but still be treated like I wasn’t living in the hole of the wall.  I set the standard!

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If you are married and your husband is super caring, we uplift them. We start labeling relationship goals right off the bat because a husband kissed their wife.  Okay I get there are sexless and boring marriages (all by choice) but a simple kiss even a romantic passionate one making relationship goals only means that there are a lot of married couples who do not enjoy the union they are in. Kisses are done simply at the altar or union as a seal of commitment.  So….yeah we have got to raise the standard.  I had a conversation with my own husband and we acknowledged the highs and lows of our relationship and how outside things and distractions are often celebrated when we lack the self-sufficiency to love on each other and ourselves in the way it should be.  A husband who simply comes home is celebrated as if he isn’t supposed to return home after his outside of the home obligations are done.  He is celebrated and the phrase, “well at least he’s not cheating” comes into play. Like is he supposed to be cheating?  I know cheating is big but let’s not give more respect to the cheater than the faithful?  We live in a messed up world.  The only way to make the world smaller is to learn to leave the outside world OUTSIDE. Spend more time making YOUR world what YOU want it to be.

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If you are married and have kids and your husband doesn’t lift the finger to assist you with the kids some of it on you because you won’t speak up and other reasons is because he doesn’t think he should, I hear well at least he’s in the home.  So many men are locked up or leave after they make the babies.  This is true.  However him being in the home still living like an absentee father is even more crazy.  You do know they exist.  They are simply bodies but they don’t do a thing but get the greatest father in the world book just because they stayed.  Um, if you have a baby and make a baby it is YOUR responsibility to be there, provide, and dare I say interact and assist in the raising of that child.  It is simply not okay to come in the home, say hi, watch tv and send the child to bed and think you have arrived in parenting.  NO you need to be a force in the home.  You need to be helping with whatever it takes to make sure you have healthy, loved and supported children.  Ladies, if you have a man who is simply there don’t expect it.  Also speak up and don’t berate him because he doesn’t do things like you do either.  It’s give and take once ALL parties pay their part.

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I believe in rewarding kids but kids are supposed to do good things if they are influenced in the right way.  For instance every time your child does something he/she will NOT always be rewarded.  Teaching integrity means that at some point they learn to do the right thing simply because it’s right and not because someone is watching them or will give them something.  This is why some kids feel a sense of entitlement because you love your little love muffin and use rewards for everything.  Reward systems are awesome.  It can be used to motivate but should not be in the place of all parenting techniques. These little angels grow up and think the world owes them something and you and I both know that really isn’t how it works.

Like I have always pushed, balance is key.  Never do more on one side over another. I know this whole not wanting to be “basic” is a thing but the reality is there are times when going back to the old landmark really does still work.  The standard you set in your life and how you work through it should still be set by a measurement.  If a person is worth your time they will know what your standard is.  That is why some people go ga ga over things like good sex.  Is sex supposed to be bad?  Yes there are some sexual partners that don’t always do it right off the bat and you have to set the standard even in that on what you will accept or not.  However some folks get one strong sexual partner and will throw caution to the wind over some wet sheets and weak knees.  It’s like having a stack of cards and as long as one suit is good, you don’t pay any attention to anything else.  Set the standard.  Know you are worth to be treated the way you want and make no excuse for it.  In time once your basic needs are met the other items will line up because you are looking through balanced eyes.

Why are you dragging La La over Carmelo’s alleged affair?

So the tea is circulating that Carmelo Anthony may have gotten another woman pregnant.  I could care less her profession.  My thing is why are you dragging La La for not staying with him?  Did I miss where in the vows it states to honor?  Where is it honorable to sleep on your wife with anyone regardless if you get them pregnant?  Now I know a lot of basketball players and people in the industry get blamed for cheating but it sort of comes with the territory.  Look at all of the examples where these women who marry into this deal with the ups and downs of the many women who just want a piece of the action and slide into the hotel rooms of these men?  Everybody ain’t telling the same lie!

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If and I say if because as much as these stories hit the airways, at the end of the day marriage is between 2 people, that this is true than she shouldn’t have stayed and high-fived his raggedy behavior.   I do however believe where there is smoke there is fire.  So something other than the stress of his NBA career is happening.  The reason I say that is simply due to the fact that when kids are involved people are more than cautious to not play games with separation with kids in the middle.  Even if it’s just this one public story do you know the other things that have taken place between them?  No you don’t but like any married couple who is real and honest, I bet you it was more than just one thing.  It’s never one thing.  If you want to make a marriage work, it boils down to give and take, and going through the mess and wiping it off, working it out and trying.  However when enough is enough you walk away.  Marriage is forever when both parties are in it for the forever.

You not going to convince me that it don’t still take 2 to Tango.  So we gonna need the ones dragging La La to just stop.  Stop the foolishness of this misconceived notion that wives are supposed to be dumping bags for junk.  She didn’t leave Carmelo high and dry. She did what was best for her and her child after the many sacrifices to her had been taken.  Carmelo will be fine.  It’s unfortunate that after so long with the Knicks but career stress isn’t a valid excuse to be out here slipping.  The most disrespectful thing you can do to a wife is to cheat and have a child with another woman.  Some women deal fine with it and others only deal because they have to but that don’t mean they stay.  No different if the shoe was on the other foot. La La would be called every hoe and bitch there ever was.  You won’t be able to drag her for leaving a cheating man over here at ToiTime.  I am a wife and I don’t play those games.  I will never go on record talking about what my husband won’t or will do but I will snatch your edges if you try to drag me for walking away from some crap like cheating like that’s supposed to be happening in a marriage.

The best thing that can be done is one, make sure you ain’t still with Ray Ray that has been knowingly sleeping with your friend for years.  It amazes me the amount of hate within women who have been in the same situation or worst that tell others what they should do, talk about them, and then go home to do the same thing.  We are women we can be better than this.  I know it a bunch of men blogging and dragging La La and making comments.  Not that men don’t talk because they do, but this is some insecure women crap.   My thing and my stance is you don’t know what is going on behind doors and until you have been in the trenches, leave folks alone about what they do with their lives. Secondly there is a child in the middle of this very adult situation that will get older and have to read about both of his parents.  How they handle it needs to be handled with delicacy.

Ask Toi: What is the Worst Part about being Married?

Well let me put some thought into that question.  Marriage is beautiful but since I stay on the keep it real train, I have to say there are some drawbacks.  A lot of women can’t wait to be married.  They have no idea that it’s work.  They have no idea that often times it can distract you from what you want to do.  The days of just getting up if you remove the kids from the equation and just doing my own thing don’t fully exist. I miss the days where I didn’t have to have a plan.  I miss the carefree days of not having to wonder did I feed another person let alone myself.

Marriage makes you have to think of another person and their needs and how it will all fit in a larger setting. This isn’t something that I would want to exit my marriage for but it does make it hard when you want to do just do you and you can’t.  I don’t have a worst part but I can highlight some of the challenges we faced during our marriage that we have overcome.  One of those challenges was in the beginning we lived with his mom to do a 5 year plan to pay off bills.  In one regard it benefitted us financially to save and pay bills. The draw back was that we were in someone else’s home.  It didn’t mentally or emotionally work out in our favor.  I know now that I am unwilling to live with another person outside of my husband and kids.  The mental anguish that it gave was too much and in order for us to stay married that’s how it has to be.  Again others have done the same thing and have survived and have even liked it.  I have been an independent flower all my life. I watched my mom has us in shelters and from other folks’ home.  Once you get your own going backwards to someone else’s rules and the way they do things just doesn’t work for grown people.  Most people will act on the surface that it works but since people are people will always push their agendas.  The same happened and because of it, I now know that if we should be in the same situation it could be a breaking point for us.  I know that isn’t something to say but he and I are honest about that.  We won’t sugar coat it.  One thing I appreciate now that we are out is now my husband is more aware of my needs.  He is one to be sure that if I am even going into a challenge to check on me often.

Another challenge that I know I personally had in my marriage was not communicating well.  I think most couples go through it.  There are better days but some days are truly the type of days where you have to really push yourself to keep entering your home.  Its like having all this love for a person but still wanting to slap them and their parents at the same time for having to deal with whatever the issue has thrown.  I am sorry but that’s about as real as its going to get.  Everything in marriage ain’t lingerie and smiles.  There are times when fights occur.  You will have moments where you have to stop dishing the silent treatment and deal with things.  Those moments make you cry.  It can make you mad but it will produce growth.

Lastly the use of the word divorce.  We had moments when that was our reality.  I would caution all couples that are married or planning to be married to NEVER use that word unless you ready to sign that day.  Being mad is one thing, but being mad enough to threaten the word or the use of divorce is never a good thing.  We were headed for disaster. We had to come to the realization that the kids weren’t going to hold us together.  Either we were in or continue being out.  There was no middle.

I have nothing but love for my husband.  He is my college sweetheart.  The love is there but the knowledge that the work lining up with the love is more apparent.  I was one of those sugar cookie kids who got married and had all of this high hopes of what my first year would be. I imagined me leaving love notes all over the place.  I imagined myself just skipping off to the sunset.  I can’t say I didn’t leave  notes in that first year but I probably said more curse words than I had ever before too.  We fought and we fought hard.  I had moments when I thought I would have been better off with an ex.  He and I have talked about this so don’t act like you getting a fresh brew of tea.  You aren’t.  We are human and flawed but perfect for one another.  We have made it through things most people would have been packed up and left. Did I mention my suitcase of clothes for me and the kids that stayed in the car?  Yeah I found myself being a runner.  I run naturally but I found myself running for every little thing.  He came home late, I’m out.  He spent more time with his friends than me, I was out.  Any excuse would tip me over the edge.  I wasn’t ready and if you are like I was, you better count up the cost.

Please know that you can weather the storm through babies, depression, lost of jobs, etc. It will happen.  There’s no escape.  But if you love and truly have love for the woman or man of your dreams, you can do it.  Our motto is “its he and I against the world.”  We know that and live by that.    We had to learn that we were and are on the same team.  Instead of trying to win all the time and seeing the person as an enemy we had to change the mindset.  If you are married you know what I mean.  You know that moment that you ASSume everything.  You know what that usually leads to.  Assumption can lead to more martial strife than anything.  You think you know the person so well that you use what your mind has already told you about what “may” happen and then you go off on that.  I have had plenty of I thought you said arguments than a little bit.  Be clear on what your goals are.  If not than you will find yourself battling for days, weeks even months for something that wasn’t even to be.

Ask Toi: My husband is in the way, how do I end this?

The back story is that whenever the couple goes out especially in groups the wife feels like the husband is the third leg type of person since he has no relationship with her friends.

My answer to this is why are you married to your husband if you can’t take him around other crowds and enjoy his presence.  I mean husbands nor wives have to be at all functions.  You and him aren’t tied at the hip and if you are you shouldn’t have to be.  You both have your own friends and things you enjoy. However the flip to that is if EVERYTIME you go somewhere with him and YOU feel that, than the person to question isn’t him its you.  I am the type that suffers from anxiety so if your husband had felt that he was a third leg to you that would make sense.  I get anxiety even around people I know let along people I see on an occassion.  I would completely get that but if your husband is enjoying himself and you just plain old don’t want him there than that’s a YOU issue.  He doesnt have to know your friends or have a relationship with them to have a good time.  He can be cordial.  He can just be light and really get into whatever everyone is talking about.  You don’t want your husband to share in all aspects of your life?  You want your friends to be off-limits in a way.  My thing is are you going out with other couples?  I have friends that are in relationships some married and some not and when it’s just me and the girls time we do just that but if it’s a couples thing it’s not an issue to ask our significant others to come along.  If you don’t want him around for none of it than there’s a red flag.

It may be that you don’t want certain things to get out.  Being married means sharing life with your partner and it means the parts you like and the ones you don’t as well.  I feel like maybe you have another life you don’t want your husband in on. You need to deal with this within you and if you are feeling that think of one thing, would you be okay with it if the shoe is on the other foot?  If you husband had friends and NEVER wanted you around them regardless of the circumstances, how would that make you feel?  If you saw bad, or any other negative tone than you have to take a step back.

Marriage means enjoying life together.  It means that you may do things apart at times. Again I do not believe its healthy for a couple not to balance relationship, work, family, me time, and friend time and do all of that together ALL the time.  It is healthy for you to venture out and come back to have something to talk about.  It’s unreasonable for your paths never to cross when it comes to friends.  There are some of my husband’s friends I don’t vibe with well but I still cross paths and I am still cordial every time. Unless you provide more information that makes me understand your thinking than I am going to have to say this issue is on you to process and it may be deeper things going on that may have been a red flag long before you said your I do’s.  When you are building a life together you pick the one that you want to be around for all of it.  Your friends being off limits will only work if you are okay with him doing the same and most women woudlnt’ be.  You would want to know who your husband is around and being influenced by.  There isn’t a friend that my husband has that I don’t at least know of if not met.  Sad to say for me though its most of the time I just forget who they are.