Securing the Bag, Secure it All!

Ladies are securing bags everyday. The term securing the bag is in the context of getting your money or closing deals. I battle back and forth on using the term in the everyday life of just working since in my mind everyone is supposed to work, but again it’s my own personal thought. While your securing your bag be sure to secure your own emotions and definitely your body.  How many women worrying about securing the man, the job, the car, the section 8 payments sorry I had to go there because there are many who think that is life.  Ladies, being healthy, working out, eating right, drinking water, talking right to your kids, traveling, etc is a full-time job.  All of the things that we do to be secure in life comes at price points. What’s more pricey than you body and sexual health?  How many times does a woman have to lay down with a man thinking he is the bag.  He is not if you had a doubt.  He is not. What you secure on your own by hard work is but don’t in heat and not remember that.  Sex is great but its better in the right way.

Nothing in, Nothing Out

So back in the day the old mothers would tell you to save yourself for marriage. They meant it! Not the new way of saving yourself where you do everything but sex! If you don’t have nothing going in, won’t nothing come out. That’s a given. Now that goes for traditional virgins and born again virgins. If this non sex life is your life be sure that’s a decision you want. Don’t do it cause you are afraid of what someone will think. You’re the only one that has to combat them urges when they come. You can say what you will but you alone are in charge of that. Don’t let peer pressure to give it up or hold it move you one or the other. Sexual health is a personal decision-more on that later!

If you aren’t of that mindset then you better play by the rules of the land where you secure some birth control. The pull out method is one of the weakest methods. So don’t be found out here with a new boo telling you that it will work. Don’t even let the old boo tell you that mess either. It don’t work like you think. Many a baby has been made from that weak move.

We decided…

It’s so nice to have a partner that will agree or support your decisions. Please understand as a woman who you and you alone will have that child. All the support in the world hasn’t stopped women from having to take care of babies alone. Every woman didn’t lay down with a jerk or at least what they thought was one in the beginning. Some of these men have been Prince Charming!  Some have been husbands who have decided for whatever their reasons are, they don’t want to be apart anymore.  You the woman have to decide that if you aren’t ready to be a single mom at any given point in life, do not at that point or continue to have babies with any man.  Be careful.  This is a lifetime commitment that society has allowed men to be able to walk away from.  Note to my men this isn’t to bash you but to bring awareness.  This is the conversation that regardless of status you should be having.  Married women aren’t exempt.  My mom told me the realist message after I got engaged.  Marriage isn’t the end all be all.  You could be single at any moment.  The life you have built, can change and you better be sure that you are able and ready to take on that life by yourself should something change.

So yes go in with the we with the mindset of an I at any time am willing to bring this life on and take on all it takes on.  If you can’t say that with the partner you are with, then that’s your number one issue and your second issue is that if you say this will work, I can do this than be sure your anchor holds or you have the ability to mindset to push past any hindrances that may come.  Yes we know women are strong they can take it but the number one thing divorced women or women who partners have walked off or may have passed away say is that they never thought about this moment.  Life is beautiful but keep those moments in the back of your mind. Secure your future.  One more note, do NOT let a boyfriend or a fiance push you into any decision. This means no tubes tied, no having babies if that is not something YOU can live with.  Listen husbands don’t get a full pass. I know of many husbands who force their wives to continue in childbirth and at the end of the day those same men weren’t supportive after the baby is born.  It’s cute to have a baby with your husband until you’re in the house bare feet and pregnant with no job security, going through depression and can’t get that same husband to change one diaper.  Count up the cost.  Your mental piece is worth it.  Not to mention the physical needs…  The one thing I didn’t do was secure my own sexual health with my own husband. Gasp.  I alone should have taken my birth control, gotten my tubes tied before I did because that’s what I wanted to do and should have done.

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Don’t look for the tea.  I am good.  There’s no of my goodness what if her kids read this and think they didn’t want them.  STAWP!!!!!!! That is nowhere near the case.  However as much as I loved my boyfriend who turned my fiance who turned my husband,  it wasn’t his decision to make on the continuance of childbirth.  When my second child came it was what it was.  I was in-between decisions and careless on making a decision for birth control when my 3rd came.  She wasn’t a mistake at ALL.  None of my kids were regardless of how much the church folks was whispering.  NONE of my kids were a mistake but I failed myself in how I secured my sexual health.  I love the family that my husband and I have built. I wouldn’t change it but I can help other women be wise. That’s about real as it can get. It is what it is.  Thankful to my husband who he was the one who made me see it that way.  Yes he had his part we both get that but if we can get the younger generation to see the big picture from this, then it was all worth it.  Secure your sexual health married, divorced, seeking, not in the sex game, don’t know where things stand, whomever you may be secure everything not just the bag.

 

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Holiday Reminder-Watch your Children

This blog is meant to educate not to scare you.  As parents we are doing the best that you can to raise great kids but as long as evil exits we can always do better, and be warned of the dangers that our kids face:

Now I am a mom and I think a pretty good one. Having kids in this world these days has created the most anxiety as our entire purpose is to raise children that are healthy, supported, and safe.  Now what I am about to talk about is super serious.  As we progress into holidays and gatherings its important for all parents to be vigilant about your children.  Know where they are, who they are with, and stop having familiar relationships that you put a wall up because you think your friend, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc would never. I do not prescribe to that notion. Everyone is a suspect as far as I am concerned.  Not that I have ever had to wonder about anyone around my kids thus far, but just know I am not a blind parent to put more stock on relationships with folks over my kids.

First of all raise your children with the proper names of their body parts.  If you ask my kids they not only know all of the cute names parents give their kids but they know the names of their body and especially their sexual organs. Man-mans can only take you so far when you are teaching your son to know where his penis is and to know what a good touch and a bad touch is. Same for my girls they know they have a vagina and have been able to say it properly since they could talk.  I read a story a few years ago about a man who raped a girl who was around 3 and he got less time because the girl couldn’t properly say if she was penetrated vaginally or anally.  How sick that someone’s lawyer was able to get a child molester less time with that notion?!  It forever changed how I raised my kids and this was before I even had them.  I might have been pregnant with my oldest. I know some parents don’t agree but for me its important to empower them to know from the gate that anybody who touches them in a bad touch way is going to get the business from me and their father and I mean on site.

I check my kids when they come from other people’s house, have open and honest age appropriate conversations, as well as make sure they know that anything they tell me I believe. I also don’t force them to hug and kiss people to spare adults feelings. No they don’t and won’t sit on your lap cause you bought them a gift.  The appropriate response is thank you, not a lap sit. They don’t and won’t be made to be feel as if they owe you a kiss regardless of your relationship just so you can feel like an outstanding adult. Work on your own emotions. I have had family members say they need to give (insert relationship) a hug and as their parent I step up to the plate and kindly and politely let folks no, they don’t have to. I teach my kids to acknowledge them so in our house a hi, a hand wave is good and appropriate until they are comfortable.  Some kids need time to warm up.  Whatever the reason there is apprehension from my child, I just watch.  Kids have more sense than some adults and the vibes they feel is often not wrong.

The number one reason why I don’t force my kids is that I want them to know they have power over their bodies at all times in hopes they keep that power and if God forbid someone tries to take their power from them, it won’t be because they were being groomed by me to allow certain behaviors to continue that they were uncomfortable with from the gate.  I do not devalue their feelings on vibes they receive from adults.  my kids have said, why did (insert family) act like that, say that, etc.  They know.  We tell them there is no secrets policy as well. So we have told them that if someone says don’t tell, they need to be open to us and tell us anyway and realize that as children they aren’t wrong for speaking up.  Now with all of that background there could be an adult male or female that may try to take their precious innocence. I pray that it NEVER happens but will publicly state that my husband is licensed to carry so let’s keep it at just that.

Sometimes as you venture to homes to celebrate the holidays, you start to let the kids roam off. Be careful of that.  Not to scare you but you’re number one job at ALL times is to protect your kids.  So be vigilant in where they are, who they are with and around, and not to be so intoxicated, miscalculating, etc that you let your guard down.  I know of children and we all read of children who daily are being sexually abused, mistreated, preyed upon, missing, etc and I just want to be sure that my kids won’t have that story to tell.  I know I can’t protect them every second of the day, but I along with my husband are doing the best we can to ensure that they know they matter, they should be respected, and just because they are kids no one will just do anything.  I am more than willing to end relationships with anyone who challenges me about their safety. Our kids are precious, all kids are, and you can bet we will try not to allow foolery to happen.  So enjoy the holidays, but be careful that someone doesn’t prey on their innocence and use this jolly time as an occasion to take what didn’t belong to them.

Check Your Own Body

I have so many tips for doing different work outs but I am not a professional so I really have what works for me.  I don’t even act like my fail proof plan is a Godsend for all, however there comes a time when you have to be on top of things because let’s face it, who else will?  I remember a reader asking an Ask Toi about gynecological exams and if they should continue to have them done after they were married. My answer then and now is an absolute YES!

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Marriage doesn’t mean you sexual health is perfect. You as a woman need to be aware that now that you got the ring and are one, you can still be one at risk woman.  I always wish happiness and great sex for married couples but if anything you should know right now, everyone ain’t on the up and up.  Not only that outside of getting an unwanted and unexpected non gift from a mate, is the risk of ovarian cancer. It is your job to do all you can to live a happy and healthy life.  Part of living a healthy life is to be about your health and sexual health is important.  No ring or marriage certificate will keep you safe.  So my advice is simple, get checked.  I’ve told the story before how when I was pregnant with my youngest, my OBGYN asked me if I wanted to get the STD panel done.  My answer was hell yes. Her response is well you’re married and you have kids.  I asked her who licensed her again because if you are giving me of sound mind this advice what in the holy hell was she telling other women.  Ladies get checked regardless of your status even my born again virgins that ain’t had none since Jesus was a baby, you need to get things checked too.

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No married woman should be told, you good and that’s it. Again the amount of women who die from ovarian cancer is enough for me to check.  Also like I said I do not subscribe that my husband is so perfect that there is a chance that I am going to be okay. I do trust my husband but how many women rely on trust alone and find out after it’s too late that there husband was on the “down low” and they have contracted something that a pill or a shot can’t cure.  I have told my husband plenty of times that I love me and my kids enough and I get that sometimes men take chances on getting some new %ussy but I refuse to live my life where I just throw caution to the wind. One of us has to love themselves enough to get things checked out.  So far after 5 years there hasn’t need to put the “man” between us.  I do not live my life on the edge.  If something is wrong I want to know, get a plan and keep it moving. This is why I encourage my ladies and my men to know what is going on with your health.  Avoidance is a sure fail way to not live your best life.  In order to have a good life you need to be here.

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So find what works for you in general.  I would also encourage all to see your doctor as well as a nutritionist.  These two are key to getting your health on track.  What you eat is literally a large component to how healthy your life is.  Eating the wrong things can contribute to high cholesterol, weight issues, etc.  Overall health seems so overwhelming. I think when I am trying to drink enough water, exercise, take care of my kids, go to work, have a good sex life, be good to my husband, and anything else life throws how much it takes to be on point in each other.  This is why I believe in balance.  However when it comes to my health, I believe in going in, getting things checked and then attacking each area.

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Ask Toi: How Do I Tell my Wife About Her hygiene?

Okay to my male readers let me just say I am so glad that you stop by and visit with ToiTime.  I know a lot of my topics seem to be more generated towards women however I do try to mix up a few male perspectives but not acting like I know what’s it like being a male but getting men to speak for themselves.  This answer will be very detailed with things you may not want or need to know.  However when a man reaches out to me about things he needs to understand and in this case on such a sensitive topic I have to dive in.

Now for one I was always taught that you can smell yourself before someone else.  A few weeks ago I had a wife write in about a husband.  Ladies and gentleman how you smell affects intimacy.  How you smell affects how close someone wants to be around you. Please stop using the excuse if you loved me.  No the real is if you loved yourself you would clean yourself better plain and simple.  This is not a cookie cutting blog so to pretend that an adult is funky and to make an excuse for it won’t happen here.

Although there are medical reasons as to why a woman may not be as clean as she needs to be the end result is often time in the delayed response.  I have heard things like someone can’t help the way they smell.  Nope that isn’t always the case.  It usually has to do with the lack of handling business that is the culprit. It can come in the form of not washing or even just not going to the doctors to seek help and it went unchecked but still is noticeable.  Even homeless people know that they smell and some don’t want to be that way that is why we who are able-bodied and can do for themselves have to do it.

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For you kind husband to seek help in discussing a hard topic has to be hard.  No one wants to go to a spouse and tell them that they smell.  I would definitely talk to your wife when things are calm. Try to do it as soon as possible.  The more upset that you get will make it harder for you to speak to her.  Also be honest use words like I noticed, is there anything going on that I can help…

Know that no matter what you say she may come off defensive.  She may need to see a doctor.  She may need to change how often she is taking care of her hygiene.  We can go back and forth on product choices but at the end of the day she needs to find the products that work for her body and use them.  Let her know that you love her and that you want to be closer to her but the body odor is making that hard to do.  If she doesn’t correct it I know some other blogs will tell you that you are supposed to give a person time but in reality on body odor the amount of time it takes to enter the shower is not that much time. Some people can make things bigger than they need to be.  If my husband told me I smelled I would be mad at myself but I would be hitting that shower fast.  This husband isn’t dealing with someone who occassionaly smells sweaty we are talking about someone who just isn’t handling their business on the regualar.

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There are a few things that as ladies we need to be aware of:

  1. During that time of the month be vigilant in showering if you need to more.  Invest in adult wipes that can aid during the day. Change your pad or tampons regularly.  Also if you choose to keep your vaginal hair long then understand that hair holds odors and during that time of the month blood too.  Powders don’t mask odors.  Do not use powders in the place where simple washing needs to be done.  Also dry your vagina so that you aren’t having water, in areas that can hold smells as well.
  2. Make sure that if you are a heavy sweater that if you need to make changes in your underwear to combat that then do so.  On the same lines please do not wear the same bra daily.  Bras are to cover our breasts and if you sweat under your breasts and keep wearing it often all you are doing is wearing a sweaty bra that is holding odors as well. Nothing good can come from this.
  3. Throw out old underwear.  This should be a given but if you are grown holes in your drawers is not the business.  That hole is making it easy for more sweat and then the cycle of sweat and smells start over again.

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These are just a few things that women need to be reminded.  Some women scare me. I know for a fact that women aren’t as on top of their game as they should. How do I know go into a public bathroom. Women leaving pads without wrapping them first or disposing them properly, women using the bathrooms but leaving their “presence” behind,etc. We are not perfect however if you are constantly having hygiene issues please get help before a husband has to write in.  Once a husband has to write in this means that things have gone left.  No man wants to sleep with a funky woman unless they are desperate and if so that speaks more of them than the funky woman.  You can’t expect initmacy in a funky situation.  Every reader reading this knows this.

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Lastly while we are on topic I mentioned it briefly above but we can’s use the committment to make excuses for where we aren’t.  You can’t tell someone if they love you they have to put up with your flaws.  They do but you have to be accountable for your actions as well.  Love covers a multitude of sins but let’s be vigilant in checking ourselves too.

 

We got to speak up about the boys club!

So if you follow me on Facebook you know that I recently read an article published by Essence.com regarding Jamal Bryant who is a pastor in Baltimore, Maryland.  He was married at one point and cheated on his wife and as a result of the cheating fathered children outside of his marriage. His wife left him and he almost lost his church.  He made every declaration that he was a changed man.  Then flash forward to now where he is in the midst of yet another scandal where although not married he has fathered another child.  So….where do I begin?

I am fully aware of God’s grace and even though God can do a quick work still on Mr. Bryant the truth of the matter is that I think we more accountability in the house of God.  I know this conversation is going to go left fast.  I have received so much backlash that I decided to write about it today.  I have grown up in the church my whole life.  Being the case, at the end of the day being a Preachers Kid I will not sugar coat where Jamal is right now.  Had this been a woman pastor and she cheated on her husband and had a baby the conversation would have been over.  She would have been sat down, put out the church, and that would have been the end.  Well not in the boys club.  In the boys club men are allowed to not step down from position and continue in the same behavior after everything dies down.  Wow so a man can use the member between his leg to defile his marriage, disrespect God and his call, and continue to use that same member between his legs like nothing happened?  That’s good stuff right there.

The boys club has no place in the world let alone the church.  So we are okay with the man of God who is full of lust to speak over our souls day in and day out.  This same man of God is allowed to tell us where we are wrong and need to get it together or else, right?  Wrong. What I am saying is simple.  Sit him down.  He needs to get in control his desire to have sex.  Let’s keep this real and I mean all the way real, he cheated on his wife and now is fathering a baby out-of-wedlock and he ain’t get that nor the rest of the kids simply by reading the Bible.  No, he got that from having sex to whomever would allow it.  So if he likes sex that’s fine but his desire don’t line up with what the good book says so he needs to either line up with the good book or sit down and wait until he does.  Oh and you know he ain’t lay down with the new baby’s mother one time, that means he was having sex with her and anyonelse but just got caught.  You up to speed now.  That’s how it works. Okay, lesson over.

Bishop Eddie Long is another mega church pastor who used his money and influence on boys and is accused of having sex with them.  We already know from the mere fact that Jamal Bryant is still in position that Long is too.  Who woulda thunk it?  So he’s allowed to be out here doing his thing.  Now it hasn’t come out if he still bending over little boys but end of story there was no accountability.  I’m overly exhausted by this. I just had a friend online get “dragged” for wearing a bathing suit to the beach.  Yes you read that correctly the beach but the same men who came for her were married men with kids who you guessed it are pastors.  Another tidbit openly they drug her for not being saintly but was in her inbox sliding her their number.  You get the point.  We need to stop.  I’m so tired of men getting away with this mess.  Like I said on Facebook it’s not all pastors and its not all men before my male crowd go left.  But if you as a man high-five your boys, sons, cousins etc. for getting it with a woman but want to lock up your precious little girls you are apart of the problem.  You are teaching a double standard. The same men you tell your daughters to avoid you mass produce these same men for them.  Yup the boys club isn’t all chummy when your daughter is crying on your shoulders and you want to get shotguns to handle it. It’s only okay as you sit and slide in in-boxes and emails of women that aren’t your wives for that quick gratification.  It’s only good when you find yourself with a young woman in your bed when you should have been home putting your kids to sleep.  Or wait the boys club is only good when you take on someone else’s kids but you leave yours at home with their mother.  I’ll wait.  Before you get all self righteous you should talk to your daughters but talk to these boys not slide them a condom and tell them the whole world is theirs to conquer.

Sex is good don’t get it twisted but its supposed to be in the right context.  I’m not going to be all holier than thou when 2 of my 3 kids were conceived out-of-wedlock but I also don’t go around telling young mothers that they are worthless or call them hoes like so many of even women who forget their hoe miles don’t have an expiration.  So let’s be clear never throw stones out of a glass house.  The boys club needs to end.  We need to hold all of us on the same lines.  No separate rules for men and then we want to spiritually lock the women up.  Nope.  Any and all pastors male or female who thinks that this backward way of thinking is okay be bold, drop the name of your church so we can all know where not to go. All I am asking is to keep it on the same lines and make these men sit down with the women not the women sit while they have to listen to the same male pastor preach knowing right well at the end of the sermon he going over to sister Watermelon’s for some “fellowship” later.