Ask Toi: When should you disclose your sexual status to someone?

I think the earliest that you can before any sexual lines are crossed. I know people have casual sex but if you do it’s still important to have that conversation with someone early. Never wait.

For anyone who takes on the responsibility of sex, condoms are number one. You must protect your own life at all times. Condoms are not 100% either. They break or can slip out-of-place, be vigilant. No one ever looks “dirty” as people used to call it. You must remember this is the age of information. It’s not dirty it’s about knowing your status and the status of your partner. If you are having casual sex you take on an incredible risk to yourself and someone’s life. Sex can kill you. You don’t have to be afraid but you do have to be vigilant. This is why I never tell married woman not to continue getting tested. I told my readers how a doctor told me that because I am married I carry a smaller risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease. In theory he was right in real life I will never take that chance. Love and responsibility are two different things. My quality of life can easily be interrupted by one slip of myself or my mate. Protect yourself at all times.

Do not let the heated moment of sex ever put your life at risk. Not everything can be cured with a pill or a shot. Don’t play Russian Roulette with your life. Know your status, speak up early, and wrap it up and married or not always know your status and constantly get checked!

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Check Your Own Body

I have so many tips for doing different work outs but I am not a professional so I really have what works for me.  I don’t even act like my fail proof plan is a Godsend for all, however there comes a time when you have to be on top of things because let’s face it, who else will?  I remember a reader asking an Ask Toi about gynecological exams and if they should continue to have them done after they were married. My answer then and now is an absolute YES!

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Marriage doesn’t mean you sexual health is perfect. You as a woman need to be aware that now that you got the ring and are one, you can still be one at risk woman.  I always wish happiness and great sex for married couples but if anything you should know right now, everyone ain’t on the up and up.  Not only that outside of getting an unwanted and unexpected non gift from a mate, is the risk of ovarian cancer. It is your job to do all you can to live a happy and healthy life.  Part of living a healthy life is to be about your health and sexual health is important.  No ring or marriage certificate will keep you safe.  So my advice is simple, get checked.  I’ve told the story before how when I was pregnant with my youngest, my OBGYN asked me if I wanted to get the STD panel done.  My answer was hell yes. Her response is well you’re married and you have kids.  I asked her who licensed her again because if you are giving me of sound mind this advice what in the holy hell was she telling other women.  Ladies get checked regardless of your status even my born again virgins that ain’t had none since Jesus was a baby, you need to get things checked too.

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No married woman should be told, you good and that’s it. Again the amount of women who die from ovarian cancer is enough for me to check.  Also like I said I do not subscribe that my husband is so perfect that there is a chance that I am going to be okay. I do trust my husband but how many women rely on trust alone and find out after it’s too late that there husband was on the “down low” and they have contracted something that a pill or a shot can’t cure.  I have told my husband plenty of times that I love me and my kids enough and I get that sometimes men take chances on getting some new %ussy but I refuse to live my life where I just throw caution to the wind. One of us has to love themselves enough to get things checked out.  So far after 5 years there hasn’t need to put the “man” between us.  I do not live my life on the edge.  If something is wrong I want to know, get a plan and keep it moving. This is why I encourage my ladies and my men to know what is going on with your health.  Avoidance is a sure fail way to not live your best life.  In order to have a good life you need to be here.

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So find what works for you in general.  I would also encourage all to see your doctor as well as a nutritionist.  These two are key to getting your health on track.  What you eat is literally a large component to how healthy your life is.  Eating the wrong things can contribute to high cholesterol, weight issues, etc.  Overall health seems so overwhelming. I think when I am trying to drink enough water, exercise, take care of my kids, go to work, have a good sex life, be good to my husband, and anything else life throws how much it takes to be on point in each other.  This is why I believe in balance.  However when it comes to my health, I believe in going in, getting things checked and then attacking each area.

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Keep Your Knee Pads

I want every lady to hear me.  I need you to hear me loud and clear this morning.  We as ladies have to have respect for ourselves.  I had a discussion with my husband and we talked about the male and female ratio.  We know that women for the most part out number men.  However just because of those numbers doesn’t give a man a right to disrespect women and settle or put up with foolishness either.  Think about that for a second.  You are a woman who is waiting on Mr. Right but instead Mr. Right Now comes and wants to ask you to do things that you aren’t comfortable with just because he thinks he can.

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I in my own young life have done things to disrespect myself.  Let’s keep it all the way 100. I can’t blame relationships, situationships or down right just doing things that were disrespected myself on others.  I can take my L where the L is needed.  However think about all of the times I turned down the foolishness too.  I know for women we all have been approached in less than honorable ways from co-workers, bosses, the man cat calling us on the corner, etc.  Women are constantly having to make someone respect our NO.  In the last years it’s getting out of hand that you can turn down a man’s advancement and get killed.  I think about all of the times someone grabbed my hand or my butt and because I spoke up for myself and said NO I could have been hurt or even killed.  It scares me as a mother because the reality is that I am teaching my daughters to be confident and direct.

I had men do some things in my time.  I had a male boss tell me that the only way I would get ahead is if I sucked his dick.  Now let me just say for all you too churchy folks that I have reading this blog I will never sugar coat a thing.  If you looking for a flower blog this ain’t one.  The thought that ran in my head is my education, my long nights, my hard work and it comes down to sucking dick to get ahead?  Naw I will pass.  I could have just went with the flow.  However what wouldn’t have gotten me-nothing.  Any waves I make in my career won’t be gotten by short cuts, feel ups, or knee pads.  I know there are women forced in these situations every day.  But before I get on my knees I will quit a job.  Before I lower myself and have a random man’s penis in my face let alone in my mouth I will be on welfare before I take that kind of L.

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Men think that because statistically they make more money than most women they can literally sexually black mail women to get anything from us.  The only way it stops if we put aside the superficial benefit and understand that everything cost.  I had a friend who had a relationship with her boss.  She had to come running into his office anytime he called.  It got so bad he would show up at her house unannounced.  The issue was that you will never pay that type of debt in full.  The more you do the more they want.  It’s much harder to get out of these types of things.  The same way you were offered raises, and cash to get into it you end up paying with your dignity and sometimes life to get out. She had to start filming him doing things, saying things, etc.  Even then the humility to admit that she once did these and consenting was embarrassment enough.

I have a few friends who struggle to make ends meet.  They are on the cusp of pushing to do the basics.  However one thing I learned from the strong women in my family that life with struggle is better than life with handouts any day.  But on the flip of that keep in mind that you better know that man you entertain as well.  It don’t have to be some horned up boss that disrespect you.  It could be the one you lay up with and the one you feed as well.  These boyfriends and husbands aren’t always loyal.  Women can and are raped and forced to do sexual favors from the men they trust the most.  Anything that is done that doesn’t make you comfortable should stop.  I know we hear as women that when you get married you are supposed to be freaks in the bedroom.  You are supposed to always be on.  However its more important to have a connection and relationship built on mutual respect even in the bedroom.  As a wife no husband should be asking for sexual acts and favors under the guidance that we are married especially if the wife doesn’t feel comfortable doing them.  I’m sorry every sex trick ain’t for everybody.  Why as a husband can you see the fear on your wife’s face and be okay with that as long as you get your release? Where do you as a husband or boyfriend feel the need to push this mess on the women you claim you are here to protect.  Women aren’t blow up dolls.  If you want one of those to manipulate and do whatever you want, than go and get you one.  Your bedroom should consists of both consenting adults and not just consenting only on the strength because of title or so you as a husband or wife won’t stray.  I have said it before an I will say it again, you can’t hold a man’s dick in your hand.  You can’t stop him from doing what is in him to do.

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Respect for women needs to return.  The things I see men post about women disgust me. These boyfriends and husbands will disrespect you quick if you allow it.  Do NOT allow anyone to disrespect you.  Do not take an advancement for sexual favors.  Do not allow someone to tell you what you can’t get accomplished just because you won’t do either. There are women in other countries who don’t even have a simple voice.  Why in the United States do we allow the same thing in our homes or at our place of workplace?  Oh and let me say to my socially woke folks as well, you can’t be woke and disrespect women. Sorry you can’t wake and sleep to what you want and call yourself woke.  I saw a man on Facebook make a statement about women and then say he wants us to be respected.  How Sway?  How can that happen when you contradict yourself.  I spoke up and he told me that he meant that for the women who look good.  Oh so respect is only earned if a women’s heels are of a certain length?  Or let me guess, if her skirt is of a certain length as well? Nope not only did I unsubscribe to his foolishness but that is not the man I want in my circle or one that will have the opportunity to be around one of my daughters. A man’s arrogance will never be an excuse for the crap he deals.  I am learning now that arrogant men and I do not click well.  Ladies let’s end this on all levels. Stop the foolishness you allow and kick a knee pad before you allow yourself to be degraded.

Ask Toi: My Husband Gave Me a Sexually Transmitted Disease

Good evening reader,

I apologize that I’m like 5 behind on my Ask Toi.  When I read yours I wanted to respond to yours first.

Let me start by saying I have no idea what this betrayal feels like.  I can’t begin to imagine what you felt like when the results of your exam were echoed in your ear.  Marriage is supposed to be the deepest level of love, giving, and respect that one is supposed to experience here on earth.

I also know that no matter how many times you go to the gynecologist it is one of the most awkward times a woman has to deal with.  Yes even with 3 children I still dread the annual visit.  This particular last time I was there and we did the exam she asked me if I wanted to  have all the tests completed or not since I was married.  I said to her, marriage means I wouldn’t have been exposed?  She said not to her but when she has suggested that women get offended by the full panel.

I said to her any time I come in I always want a full panel.  You never know and I always to know what is going on with my body.  I’m a married woman and if I got the results that you did I would be devastated.  I would be angry.  I would be sad.  I would be embarrassed.  I would be hurt.  I want to start off with your answer by saying whatever your responses and they will change-are normal.

I definitely do not judge you.  I honestly think whatever measures your doctor and you have discussed is what you should do to ensure you take prompt care of your health.  Please take this time to get your body and mind healthy.  You asked me what I would I do and I would have a very serious talk with my husband,  You aren’t going to be able to bypass this conversation,  I would be prepared for him to point the blame to you.  A STD doesn’t come with clear track on its origin so it opens up the blame game.  My hope is that honest dialogue would come from this.

After you address the elephant in the room, I would take some time to think of your next step.  On the surface it would be easy to say leave your husband.  If it was me I’m sure I would definitely have that high on my lists of ways of handling it.  I know some of my readers would agree.   The problem with matters of the heart is that our mind says one thing, our body says another and the heart usually has the final say.  Don’t be too quick to walk away even if in the end you do.  What I’m saying is you may leave him but do it or stay on your own terms.

You have nothing to prove to me or any other woman reading this.  I don’t have to tell you that a man who is careless with your life doesn’t love you like he claims.  Hopefully within medical regards this is curable, but what if it wasn’t?  What if your life is forever altered?  Isn’t it already?  Getting a STD single or married is a problem.  I do not lack empathy.  However marital vows were broken and that is an ultimate betrayal.  How can you build with someone after that?  Can you get past it I’m sure one can but women generally don’t forget.  I know you will always hold it over him even when you think or say you won’t.

IT would be wise to leave however that’s a personal decision.  ToiTime will be here to support you.  Whatever you do make sure you take care of you.  I do belief that you will guide you and that what you need is already inside of you and I wish you well.