Ask Toi: Is it Right that my Boyfriend of 3 years Family Didn’t Invite me to His Birthday Dinner?

Yes this is wrong.  You are not a random girl that he has been dating.  3 years is more than enough time for them to have included you in a birthday dinner.  I would talk with your boyfriend as he knows his family more than you would as to the snub.  Was it assumed you would be there therefore no formal invite took place?  When I was dating my husband they just told me where it was going to be since I was a fixture in his life it wasn’t a discussion of if but when.

How is the relationship with the family?  What underlying issues are happening that you are aware of?  Sometimes we not there is salt in a wound and if given an oppportunity would snub them just the same.  If that is the case and you want to be included than you have to sit down and have a talk with whomever is the matriarch or patriarch of the family and iron out some differences.  However if your boyfriend has any sense than he has already spoken on your behalf. My personal rule is to always allow the person whose family it is to talk it out at first.  I am hoping it was just an assumption.  How did you hear about the party?  This is key too.  If his mom told you but sent no formal invite by mail then its safe to say you just need to go and celebrate your man.  Is it a surprise? Then speak again to whomever is throwing the party and go from there.  Sometimes taking the first step in communication will be beneficial.

Ask Toi: I recently overheard a song that I used to share with an ex, my current boyfriend thinks I should stop singing it, what should I do?

Nothing.  It’s a song.  There is nothing that your current boyfriend can do with the fact that you have a memory with an ex.  It’s life.  We all have them.  I have them.  The point is to see it as a memory only and keep moving.  As long as you aren’t throwing the song or any memory in his face, he will be okay.  He may just be upset because he feels that another man has shared something he hasn’t.  My thing is that is the way dating works. You will never really share everything with one person.  There is space although small that we all bring in from someone else.  It’s no different from a cologne or perfume smell.  It’s all a memory.  It reminds me of the song by Jill Scott, “Cross my mind.”  In the song she talks about a memory in the form of her ex’s cologne and she attempted to have the next one smell like the last but it stunk.  Everything isn’t for everybody.  It really isn’t. Your boyfriend has memories of other women he just happened to know about one of yours and it stung him a bit.  He will be fine.  Let him know that there is nothing to be worried about and let that be that.

To the part where you should stop singing unless you have a mic or a made up mic and are literally in his face with it, he will deal.  Songs come on.  I know of one of my husbands songs for his ex and I just mention it and move on.  I have songs for my exs and it is what it is.  I don’t sing it like I am attempting to make American Idol but its a memory good or bad and it fades.

The Mirage is really A smoke Screen

People, good people, good morning.  Listen let’s have a serious talk about what appears to be and what is.  We ALL have put out into the atmosphere our very best self.  We post the best pics out of the 100 we took.  We use filters because let’s face it they are pretty. However there is one thing that we all need to be reminded.  Everything that glitters isn’t gold.  This isn’t the first time we have heard it but let’s talk about it some more.

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We get caught up in the ideas about of what people put out. Some people post about solid marriages and have the most flakiest ones.  Being real is about being loud and yelling instead of just being honest and transparent.  Just because you yell you keeping it real doesn’t mean you are.  That’s a free nugget of wisdom for someone.  People struggle. Relationships and marriages struggle.  People don’t air out their dirty laundry or rather they shouldn’t.  We base our lives off of others and do less work on our own.  If you see a woman get flowers, you go home and complain you aren’t getting them.  However you haven’t expressed you wanted them before.  You don’t go and get them yourself because you enjoy them.  You are waiting, hoping that the man you are with will finally take this initiative and do and missing out on the love you really do and can give yourself.  You realize that if that love won’t measure up and you practice self-love, nature will separate you from what you don’t need to be with.  Again another freebie for you.

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Please learn to take some stock in YOUR life.  I give great advice but I try to eat and nibble on it before I give it.  I hold myself accountable.  For instance let me give you some realness.  I was having the worst anxiety attack.  I didn’t want to go to an event because I knew some of the people there I don’t vibe with.  I had to be reminded that its more than talk, I will NEVER vibe well with them.  I can’t live with brakes on.  SO I got dressed and made it happen.  I wanted to be in my defeated world and just go to bed.  I ended up having an amazing time.  The point is simple, it’s about getting past the hiccups with action and not just lip service.

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We have to get past our favorites smoke screens.  I love LL Cool J and Morris Chestnut and both are married.  Like my marriage there are days even with all of their fineness that their wives are ready to trip them because of something they did or didn’t do.  No different from my own marriage. I have friends who I look up to but when they close their doors they have things they are working out in their lives.  So you have to understand that and learn to live life on your own terms.  A lot of people selling this message of love your spouse, or job or life to the fullest don’t always mean they receive it or live it everyday.  Be careful who you put your highest stock on.  Everyone on your pedalstool will disappoint you if you don’t keep things into perspective.  No different from when the report of  America’s sweetheart Jesse Williams called it quits with his wife.  Everyone like lawd if they can’t make it what we gon do?  You gon get over it and make your marriage work.  You need to use the information to make yours solid.  Love harder, listen more, don’t take things for granted, etc  That’s what you do instead of attributing everything good and going into doom and gloom when it doesn’t add up.

Live your OWN best life!!

 

 

I Got You Ma…

Well where I live it’s about to be a nice 90 degrees.  This is a signal to every female of what to expect in the coming months.  It doesn’t matter if you’re single, married, or an alien, if you are female the foolery is going to happen.  For my single ladies, this cat calling will confuse you if you don’t have your wits about you.  For some we can get cat called on daily but for those who may be a little rusty and looking to step back in the dating field, let me give you a few details to remember.

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I got you ma personality-this is the man with all of the promises in the world but NEVER comes through. Also watch for the ones who are hit and miss with the promises.  They were waiting on you to drop your drawers and didn’t want to go all in-trust me. I met a guy a million years ago that was like, I got you: nails, hair etc I ain’t seen him in a million years.  He was all talk.  It may seem like part of the game but there are a lot of cues to this type of man.  Look at if you get that far how he interacts with those around you.  If he is the flashy type of guy that makes it rain in the club but ain’t making it rain in his own home, there is a problem.  We all love to go out and have a good time but if you find the man you are entertaining is the type that don’t have his stuff together, run.  In your 20s living it up is what folks do,  but anything past 20s is screaming “run the hell away.” If this man can’t get your nails and hair done but keeps promising you, what are you wasting your time for? Not that you need him to do it. Let’s keep this real during the time I met the I got you ma man, I was at the nail and hair salon bi-weekly.  So his donations weren’t needed. I wasn’t the woman looking for a come up.  My momma already taught me how to maintain without a man.  So for the men on some oh she trying to get the ladies to be a gold digger you can relax that’s not even the case.  Be clear that a LOT of men will approach a woman especially when they think she and he are comfortable with the let me get you lies.  Women don’t even have to give it up.

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How many times has a man said I don’t care that you’re married?  Trust me a lot.  How many of them said I can get you whatever and you can look in their eyes and see they full of it?  A lot.  Ladies, you know I am telling the truth.  The problem is once you have gone out on a few dates we tend to forget that it’s all about the chase.  The I got you ma man isn’t staying around to really wine and dine you past getting the “cookie.”  So you have to see if that man’s words have weight. The game doesn’t change.  The issue is that some women will find that man who does make good on what he says and messes him over.  This does happen.  Be careful in the world of scammers.  Not all men are scammers but trust there are some.  Some men, will put only a little bait to see what you are willing to do.  You want the expensive restaurant, it’s going to cost you.  You want a new handbag, it’s going to cost you.  The cost to them is mere pennies to what it cost you to think you finally found the one and are left with a broken heart.  Unless a wet spot on some sheets is all you need than I say go for it!!

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I had a guy tell me he was going to buy this and that I have yet to see it but guess what, I bought it myself.  End of the day its simple, be your own boss.  Go to the table with more than hips and thighs.  You are not a value meal.  Learn to smile and give them a little snazziness back when they start talking that game.  Learn to weed out the losers that really just want to get laid.  Always remember as a woman when you walk away from one there is another so don’t waste your beautiful times on a bunch of lies.  Its warm, Summer is coming and skirts and dresses make these men lose their mind.  Don’t lose yours….

The Dirty Mirror

Well good morning.  We are all coming off from either a good Mother’s Day or one we would not rather talk about. It is evident in the posts I saw on social media. However let’s shift our gears a bit to relationships this morning.

You ever found yourself admiring another couple?  You love how they love on each other.  Love is supposed to be inspiring.  However inspiration is only a small part in life. I have found myself really admiring a couple to the point where you forget that people are human and just like you are working stuff out on your end they are too.  So here is the dilemma. How much can you take in for face value?  How much of what appears to come from someone or a relationship can we take as the real?  Up to this point I thought I had the whole premise of admiring from afar down pact but I found out that I may not.

So here I go my emotions all over the place in what I thought another couple was showing me.  So here’s today’s nugget, the grass is never greener on the other side.  Yes water your own but stop looking at the grass altogether.  I have to admit often times when you are looking at someone else, what others have, what you don’t have is because of your own insecurities.  How many times had I argued with my husband on what he doesn’t do when in reality I could do it myself.  Not on the level of I don’t need him but doing it for myself to show what I needed from him or anyone to be honest.  People treat you the way you treat you.  So during this new focus on myself I have changed that about me.  I am not looking at what someone can do for me.  I am not looking at other couple and picking at the parts that I like about them because their struggle to get to what I think I see may be flawed.  That is the lesson that I learned over the weekend.

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I have asked myself before I got married what I wanted.  However I never really explored the actual question past fantasy and whimsical things.  The things that I had set up in my head never went as planned.  Nothing has gone as planned.  I could use that as an out and say well it wasn’t meant to be and there is someone else for me.  The reality is no one knows if there is someone else out there for me.  I am not looking let’s be clear.  I am not taking applications.  I am simply noticing that if I treat my mate the way I want to be treated that if he doesn’t treat me in the same high regard than that alone will be what I will use to determine any changes in my marital status and not because he isn’t doing what another man is doing for his wife for me.  That other man can be showing the world all this love and literally could be going through hell behind the scenes.  Same with the woman.  I am learning to have my own expectations.  I am finding out what I do like and what I don’t like.  How about I am doing all this NOW.  This is something I encourage the ones that are not married to do while single.  This is dangerous to do while married but its better to do than to keep going and lying to yourself.  I am not suggesting that while I am doing this, I am finding that my husband is not measuring up. Right now he and I are fine. We are stronger actually than we have ever been and that speaks volumes.  This is about me.  However some other couples can go through this and find that they are no longer suitable.  Please single people figure this out before you get married.  This will save you some time.

What happens if I get to the end of this and find out that my husband and I don’t mesh, I don’t need to worry about that right now.  I believe we will be fine.  We will be fine because this is an important part of maturity. I would hate to have been such a nag, and prolong this out without knowing myself.  Relationships will change. I used to be upset at the thought but they are supposed to change.  I am not the same as I was when we got married almost 5 years ago and 3 children in.  I am different.  I am expected to change. The work gets harder in love.  Love and lovey dovey feelings aren’t the glue to hold it together. It’s about knowing yourself and working things out inwardly.  It requires faith to believe that love is meant to be.  It’s being okay and not falling apart just because it may not. I am not overly concerned about getting to the end so I can feel as if we are okay.  We are okay and that is all that matters.

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So for the other couples that are finding themselves in this wave, ride it out.  Through the ups and down you will find out that the person you looked starry-eyed at will be there and maybe they won’t.  If you are really doing the work on yourself you will find that if things do end it can be amicable and you can move on without carrying the weight of the what ifs.  You will know in your heart that you loved hard and did what you needed to do.  I am not scared in this process.  Oh and for those looking for cracks in my marriage, there are none. My husband and I talk about this more now than ever before.  I am not looking to get out, this is just how it needs to be.  Is it uncomfortable? In the beginning it was because I kept thinking the worst was going to happen. Not that we were or are going to divorce.  Divorce wasn’t the issue, being miserable in my own skin was. Not because I was unloved but because I needed to set my personal parameter on what respect, love, etc looked like for me.  I thought no one can go through this shift and survive it.  No one can began to question marriage and still be okay.  However life is what it is.  Questioning is not an issue, doing nothing and simply existing is the issue.  I needed to take charge of my love life and I am.  I have had moments where I wanted to talk to my friends about it but I choose not simply because there wasn’t any advice they can give me.  Even my married friends this wasn’t about getting everyone’s opinion. This was about my voice, my issues, handling this OUR way.

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For any couple in this shift, it’s okay. Every fear you have someone else has had.  For every question you ask, someone has asked those same questions.  You can love someone to infinity and beyond, but you have to be able to know you are giving that same love to yourself.  This will either propel your husband or wife to do the same or show you that they aren’t and never was.  Could I honestly say that my husband was doing all he can if I wasn’t?  No and there was the issue it started with me not him.  I don’t have all of the answers but I love that I have someone who sees the shift, embraces the shift, and we are doing our work together and although it seems as if it may being done separately it’s not.

Fake Marriages and Why?

So every last relationship on this planet is different.  Not one is the same no matter how many similarities may exist. So my thing is that women do NOT need to be married.  I know men are measured by their careers and women by their relationship status but this is crazy.  The number of spiritual ceremonies and fake marriages is getting out of hand.

Now let me tell you where this is coming from.  I read a blog that stated that Yandy and Mandeecees from Love and Hip Hop New York after the lavish wedding they had on national television is actually not real.  I don’t know if it is or not but let’s say for argument sake it’s not.  I don’t get the point.  It’s technically not my point to get but let’s draw on a few things.

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Do we have to have these fake marriages?  It’s one thing if you have a spiritual ceremony and everyone knows hey we don’t want the necessary papers but we doing this because it feels right.  The other flip is to attempt to make it appear that you are indeed married when you are not.  Like what are you proving to others?  I have never felt the need to do things for an audience.  Like for instance the terms wifey and hubby irks the hell out of me.  I know its cute to say but let’s keep it real.  There are a number of couples that believe in their little hearts that they are that man’s wifey when in reality you are indeed not.  You are a girlfriend that likes pet names.  I don’t mean to burst your bubble but that’s how it works.  Let’s give a scenario, you are in an accident and your “hubby” dies, you are not the one they seek to make decisions .  Sorry you are not.  They are looking for next of kin. Bummer all that hubby talk doesn’t give you legal rights unless you were smart enough to get power of attorney and other legal documents lined up.

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I love when I hear people say they don’t care about a piece of paper but be the same ones posting memes about how men get licenses for their dogs and won’t do the same for their relationships while laying next to their “hubby.” If you don’t want to be married than so be it.  It’s not for everyone. I can respect it.  I am married and I don’t ever paint this happily ever picture like I lay in bed of roses and balloons all day.  Marriage is work and not everyone is cut to make it work.  So stand by it.  Please stop sending out messages to people to make it appear that your relationship is more than it needs to be and then want people to respect you as such.  Just stop.  Now Yandy and Mandeece may decide to be married after his stint in jail is over.  Business wise it makes sense but it poses a very important question.  If you can’t fully take on your mate’s issues on paper because it will cost you than what does it show you about the cost of your relationship for real.  Like I get it.  Legally Yandy would be held liable for paying back his fines and cost possibly for the financial responsible for his kids too.  However they paint this picture like she is more than able and wants to take on his kids.  I can’t wait to see how this comes out.

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As a woman who want to be a boss, can you just be in a relationship and satisfied or have you already given into the societies desire for you to be married so faking it gets others off your back?  It in all reality says you love a man but at the end of the day legally you are no different from any other woman in that man’s life.  I am sure she has gotten her paperwork in order that if she needed to take care of his affairs she can, but for the average woman how long you gonna play house if you really want to be a permanent house mate?  This isn’t for the women who swear off men and would NEVER marry.  This is the ones that lie to themselves and are just okay to be entangled with a man.  This is for the woman who is marriage hungry to take on a man’s name.  Be smart.  Find out what works for you and stick to it.  But stop the lies.  Stop lying to yourself as if you are more to that man than the pretty picture he has painted.  He just wants that milk for free and is “trying to get his shit together.”  How long that takes?  Let me guess its 10 years and you are crying inside and lying to your mom and girlfriend just like he lies to you.  You want marriage but don’t want to rock the boat or “hubby” will leave.  You better get in your own spirit what you want and take the fake mask off.  If you want marriage, make sure is for YOUR right reasons.  However don’t waste a quarter on a fake ceremony. I have said it before and I will say it again if it’s a ring you want, buy yourself one.  Do NOT however stop feeding a bunch of lies about that paper you really do want.  Be smart.  Be honest. Be clear.

Women shouldn’t have to fake it in 2 places and that’s the bedroom and to an audience of folks who could care less.  Speak up about what you need in and out of the bedroom.  Too many woman having to fake a lot of things and let with empty shells and dry sheets.  Do better.

Ask Toi: Why is it seem my married friends always down me because I am not married?

There is a sense of accomplishment when a woman gets married.  I’m not saying all women but a lot of them think that having a wedding ring and a marriage that means they have arrived.  What you have arrived to being married is dealing with another individual through tough times, having to put your own stuff aside at times to support another and another responsibility.  I am a married woman I think it’s a great thing because I want to be married. What about the women who are super secure and don’t want to be married? Let me guess the wives club think that because they are married they can snub their noses at people? Some do.  I am not speaking for all wives, I can’t.  However I know plenty of women that as soon as they got engaged make it seem as if they have made it and then everything becomes about when they get married.  It’s natural to do so because it’s a new season in your life.  I know plenty who did that and never married.  I know some as soon as they married it only took that mentality to another level.

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Which woman who act like they have their behinds stuck in a tree because they are married?  Women who already think they are better.  Women who treat other females badly will be the ones to gravitate to this behavior.  The “I am a wife” mode activates at the altar.  Marriage is for the couple.  As much as I can wave my ring in another woman’s face, no one really cares that you are married but the folks that took the vows.  I am not belittling the wives club at all.  But a lot of women rant about they are the wife as if someone can come and snatch their title like folks snatch chains.  You can’t make anyone hold you in high regard because you decided to make a lifetime committment to one person that you chose.  Marriage is a beautiful thing and many people love when you see a solid example of how to make it work but let’s keep it real, marriage is work.  Marriage is for the couple and a family.  It is not for the my singles friends can’t get on my level crap that I see time and time again.

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No wife needs to treat an unmarried friend badly over a ring on your hand.  I know plenty of women who are married to single-minded men.  I know plenty of women whose husbands talk down and badly about them due to this type of behavior.  Let me give you an example of what I mean especially if you watch Love and Hip Hop LA.  Brandy is married to Max Lux.  She barges into the studio on the most recent episode and because of a beef that another cast mate had with her best friend she thought that her husband shouldn’t work with that female.  Instead of pulling him to the side she makes a scene.  Yells I’m his wife I can shut down a studio session down if I want.  Que?  You can. Where do they do that at? You can’t come to someone’s place of employment and stop things just because you are a wife.  That’s not going to work.  But this is the premise of how some wives act. You are a wife and you are entitled to all the benefits that your husband and you make. This isn’t an act a damn fool card that you can wave in other people’s face.  Although I agree that single women have no bearing on what they can tell a wife in some regards I do not believe in cutting off my friends because of my left hand accessory either.  Every woman who is your friend has a value to add to your life no matter what stage you are in.  If a woman friend that you are dealing with acts like you may want to think a few times if this woman married or not should even be on your team. Oh and let me cut the well as a wife I’m not going to let someone disrespect me either claim, who are you around that is doing this?  If it’s that bad whomever these people are, you need to cut em.  No friend who is a friend would be doing disrespecful things to mess up a marriage so no need to use that excuse.

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Let me say to my single readers, I would never write something demeaning to you just because I am married.  Marriage is a status.  It changes your tax bracket and your life personally however you choose to make that happen.  It’s not a time for me as a married woman to act like being married is so grand when in reality if married folks would keep it real its one of the most demanding things to do outside of having kids.  It is time-consuming to not be able to just get up and do what you want but to think of another person.  Is it easier when you are with the one you love? Absolutely but in this divorce driven world, marriage and making it work comes at a price that if you are single be prepared to pay and know what you are getting into.  I applaud my friends who take their time and wait there is so much I learn from their wait.  Married women do better and knock this foolishness off.  Like my mom always tells me, you never know when you will be one step away from being single again so cut the crap and honor your marriage, your relationships in general and yourself.